Archive for Tyr

***APRIL FOOL’S DAY!****

Posted in About me, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 1, 2014 by Tyrienne
Mr. T

Gotcha!

The creators of “Cards Against Humanity” approved my request to be the author of the new “Official Heathen & Asatru Expansion” soon to be offered for free in .pdf on their website! They want me to submit a total of 200 cards for them to choose the best 50 or 60 from for the new expansion. This set will NOT stand alone from the original game- the original cards will be required for this expansion to “work”. These are the 50 I submitted to them as a sample…but I need to come up with more (I welcome suggestions!):

Black Cards:

1. Hail ______!
2. In apology to the Heathen community for the historical inaccuracies in the “Thor” franchise, Stan Lee has agreed to create a character based on the president of the Asatru Folk Assembly to be played by _____.
3. Kaldera farms will be celebrating _____ with _______!
4. The Troth is _____!
5. Folkish Heathens: We are not racists, We are _______.
6. My Patron God/dess is _______.
7. ______ brought ______ to the Faining.
8. _____ will unite the entire Heathen community at last!
9. The Sumbel will be held entirely in ________.
10. The difference between the Wiccans and the Asatru is ______.
11. My favorite Rune represents _____.
12. This regrettable tattoo of _____ was meant to represent _________.
13. I will never join any National organization since I do not agree to_______.
14. The amount of furries in Heathenry is directly proportional to ________.
15. I was kicked out of the National Heathen Gathering because of ________.
16. I found Asatru in prison via _______.
17. I converted from _______ to this?
18. Viking Death Metal is awesome except for the ______.
19. The latest in Heathen video blogging concerns _______.
20. ______ HAS NO HONOR!
21. ______ Oathed to ______ at Sumbel, do you think they will poison the Well of Wyrd?
22. YOU CAN NOT CALL IT A “BLOT” WITHOUT _______!
23. He died by _____. See you in Valhalla, brother.
24. I read the “Edda’s”, “The Hamaval”, and ______. I know what I am talking about!
25. The Gods have asked me to _____ so I am ________.

White Cards:

1. A murder of ravens….and some wolves.
2. A Kindred named after a house in “Game of Thrones.”
3. A well-armed Odinist with nothing left to lose.
4. Converting to Asatru after watching the show “Vikings.”
5. Giving Tyr a hand.
6. Several Ugly Virgins Claiming to be Godspouses.
7. Lederhosen and Kilts.
8. Two federal agents desperately trying to maintain their cover by Twittering obscenities against “The Man” to each other.
9. Lokeans, Rokkr’s, and Jotunatru.
10. Hanging upside down from a tree and losing your eye in a well….on purpose.
11. It’s 4/20!
12. Reclaiming the Swastika as a holy symbol of our people.
14. Spelling obscenities in the runes of the Elder Futhark.
15. White Pride.
16. Mead distilled from Honey, Psilocybin, Peyote, and Wormwood.
17. Knowing nothing about 1488.
18. A Marveltru mistaking wet dreams for UPG’s.
19. Death by Kub.
20. FUCK YOU-I’M MOVING TO ICELAND!!!!!
21. Licking Hitler’s asshole.
22. Someone desperately trying not to act racist.
23. The Northern Gods.
24. Universalists and Universalism.
25. The difference between Heathens and Asatruar.

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Time Theory, Heathenry, and Past Suffering

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2013 by Tyrienne

AA036979Of all the religions I have come into contact with during the course of my studies, to me, Buddhism is the most incomprehensible and at opposition with my beliefs and experience.  Please, don’t take this to mean I hate Buddhists, quite the opposite, I married a Shaolin monk for Christ’s sake- and I have been fortunate enough to meet many excellent Buddhist (or half Buddhists) over the years that have shown me the religion itself may actually be more full of kind, considerate people than any other… my favorite advisor in college was half Buddhist as well, and often, he was the best person to speak to when everything in my life was crashing down around me.  Buddhism is the belief there is no moment except for the present moment- the past is a memory, the future can only be inferred.  By living in the present moment we free ourselves from attachment to both the pains and joys of the past and also of anticipation for the future, striving, instead, to live within the present moment
One of those things that haunts me is my physical knowledge of time theory.  Picture a train, if you will- you are standing in front of one window of that train so you can see within the cabin- because you entire view of the train is limited to just seeing inside one window of the cabin, you can neither see the engine nor the caboose.
However, I want you now to picture a mountain, at the bottom of this mountain is the same train- only now from your vantage point you not only can see the train, but all the tracks, the surrounding countryside, and the entire route of the object from beginning to end.   This is time theory.  The idea that time is not linear, but rather all existent in one plane all at once (the 4th dimension) however, we can only perceive the smallest portion of it due to the lack of our perception.  However, even in the analogy of the train we find that we are dealing with two forms of perception-  Grand (Macro) or vague perception, and small (Micro) or specific perception.  From the top of the mountain, we cannot see within the cabin of the train without limit our perception of the rest of reality with a set of binoculars, nor can we perceive from the base of the mountain at the train station without similar means.

To me, this is why Sufism is such an intellectually accessible religion; in Sufism, instead of a train we have a book- some grand book that encompasses all that ever was and is to be, however, we live page by page and do not get to see this book until, MAYBE, our deaths should we have lived our lives in accordance to certain humane principles and ideals such as honesty, hospitality, charity, prayer, fasting, pilgrimage, etc.   Instead of the “Now” centeredness of Buddhism, in Sufism, we have focus on the future, and that all deeds performed in the present are entirely in preparation for some perhaps unattainable future goal.

Heathenism, surprisingly enough, appears to be unique in lacking a present focus in favor of both past and future- our rituals are focused on the values and accomplishments of our ancestors, where our deeds are meant to sow the seeds for the future- making us rather cross-eyed in the present as an entirety of a people.   This makes perfect sense to me, having PTSD because I feel the affects of the actions of myself and others from the past vividly daily in the form of flashbacks; however, I also strive to live a pure and honorable life in the present- which is actually made easier by being Lokean/Tyrian rather than more difficult because both my nature of being Lokean and my Tyrian ethics keep my circle of people I interact with commonly small either out of fear of me or by my repulsion of them.   I love Heathenry because there is no credo of accepting “everyone” there are people who are not worthy of my time or presence, and also, there are people who receive no benefit from my existence either.   This truth is missing from other world religions- this is not to say to be inhospitable- far from that, however, after introductions are made and the nature of the person is assessed; we are given the choice to either continue to allow them to affect our wyrd or orlogg (which I will spell every imaginable way in this post) or to avoid them.   9 out of 10 times my choice is avoidance- humans lie, they cheat, they abuse others and they do not care about the consequences of their selfishness- they intentionally inflict pain and act with cruelty then justify their actions by claiming to be part of some sub culture or another, or worse, their Godly nature allows for certain breaches.   In my case, the pain and damage I cause is by being a truth-teller…. not exactly the sort of person you want at your parties, and worse, I am a truth teller with a selective memory so that whatever is unimportant falls through like a sieve where the things that “stick” nag at me for months until they are released via this blog into the open so I can remove the metaphorical itching of witnessing the pains caused by others- how they can act in ways I personally find appalling and would never commit myself and yet, people avoid that elephant in the room with our still-puritanical politeness of decades of Christian indoctrination into our American culture.

Until “Hey, you’re an asshole.” is as acceptable now as it was back in some indeterminate ancestral halcyon time we all seem to claim- the Lokean and the Tyrians will continue to be the least desirable among all Heathens to share a horn with- Lokean truth is seen as disruptive- and outside of leadership roles, the judgements of those who follow Tyr come across as overly harsh an insensitive- if not Neanderthalic in black/white reasoning of what constitutes the good and the bad- the line is clear.    (Which should be to be expected considering records of Tyr predate records of Woten by at least 6000 years, according to Wikipedia)  With Tyr, the line is clear- cheating is always “bad”, whereas being initially hospitable to all people upon first meeting them is “good” until they are proven unworthy of it…should they prove unworthy, they are to be avoided until sufficient progress is made on the part of the offending party to make amends; but more often then not- the severing of ties is permanent- for the more you beg, the more pathetic and useless you are viewed so reconciliation cannot be “bought”; but must be proven by inherent worth to the community at large to once again regain favor…if then.   (Anton LeVay and Tyr would have an interesting relationship, for instance- for where their ideologies meet- they meet exactly, but where they differ, there could not be more extreme differences in point of view….worth a different post, perhaps)

So, anyway back to time theory.  So here we have the proof of physicist and philosophers that time is merely an a-priori perception of the mind, that we cannot see more than three pieces of the puzzle called “life” at a time, and those pieces we have labeled our “past, present, and future”.  The Buddhist is to sit on the piece that is “present” and ignore all else; the Sufi is to discard the past, use the present, keep their eyes on the future for a pleasant afterlife (all monotheistic faiths are similar in this regard), and the Heathen falls into the the trap of ignoring the present moment being stuck with one foot in the past and the other focused on the future- lending ourselves to a faith that is overall confused on a National and International level as those who favor the past are called “Folkish” and those who look forwards almost to the exclusion of the past are labeled “Universalists”  However, in both sets of Heathen practice we find that it is commonly believed that our present actions, especially during sumbel/blot/ritual are timeless and can positively affect the luck/wyrd/oorlog of the past and that of our ancestors by how well we live our lives this moment.

If I were to take my troubled mind out of the equation of my life, I lead an exceptionally blessed existence,  I have a handsome and loving husband, I not only do not have to work, but I am not permitted to on account of illness, I am free, I am well provided for, have companionship of good animals and people- and even a few reliable, honorable family members I can relate to.  However, my mental condition consistently traps me in past experiences and hurts me relentlessly- I am not haunted so much by things I did or did not do-thankfully, I live a life with few regrets, however, I am haunted by lack of proper foresight in those past situations that allowed for my life to spin wildly out of control as I could not step out of the way in time of the train bearing down on the tracks.  Metaphorically speaking, I have been hit by several trains-  lesson learned is to stop playing on the tracks- which, for the most part I have.  If “playing on the the tracks” is interacting with unstable people, then after 31 years of experience, I have finally learned to determine that everyone is unstable to a degree and that the only people worth interacting with are the ones who can fully embrace their own madness with honesty-(throw decorum out the window, please.)   The harder we strive to hide our inner chaos and madness, the harder it bears down upon us and those in our lives- to the point at which some people will even sacrifice innocent peoples lives and reputations to maintain their own facades of dignity and faux-decorum.  This is called gas-lighting, and is often employed by narcissists and sociopaths.  Be very, very careful about the person who desires recognition, fame, money, or achievement- often, that is indicative of a sickness that can drown and maim even the strongest of men around them; in the pursuit of such meaningless accomplishments or feats- integrity and honor often fall by the wayside as other needs are not met and vices are procured to fulfill the inner emptyness that a life set on these things creates.  The vacuum of loss of friends as time is devoted to putting resources together to appear more impressive in exchange for false friends who only serve to boost the ego- making those who speak of moderation into the enemy.   I abhor the person who seeks grandeur for its own sake- but love the quietness of the footsteps of the person who achieves notoriety for doing good deeds for their own sake without any desire for recognition.

I write a great deal, I think, but I don’t make money off of this blog-  I do it as part of an oath I made with Tyr and by extension Loki to prove that Loki and Lokeans are human beings, not to be categorized and dismissed out of hand- just as Loki is not to be dismissed out of hand. In this journal I have shared and will continue to share my personal experiences publicly- I have nothing to hide.  I will show my prejudices- my strengths, and my short comings- but as time passes, my “public” experience of the community becomes less as I draw my shades and focus more exclusively my own life and that of my husband.  When I began this blog, I was very much “in” the community and a consistent attender of events all over- but now, I am much more content to stay home more days often than not and enjoy the company of my new husband.  Some places have rejected us, other places we have rejected- and honestly- it’s about 50/50 as to which is which- even still, we have more invitations than we expect between the two of us, and I have more reception to this blog than I anticipated.  However, Tyr never gave me a timeline here so I have no idea if this is a “forever” thing or if one day I get to ditch this format in favor of a new chapter with a different URL where I just get to go back to simple, personal journalism once more…where I am not intentionally putting the gross details of my life out there for everyone to see.

So, anyway- the solution I have found to my present dilemma came from therapy, I am involved in something called EMDR where I am supposed to remove the emotions from the negative memories and be able to contain them away from my psyche- the only possible way this can be accomplished for me (and apparently, for most with my condition) is to focus on the living conditions of the present moment rather than the traumatic episodes of the past.   In my case, I spend a great deal of time focusing on the time I get to share with Eddie.  From the view of time theory, and from Heathenry, the reason why my life is so good at this present moment is BECAUSE I have already paid the price for it with my past.   Ed found me through another journal I used to write, and without writing we would not have our marriage.  Without keeping record online of everything I have experienced from my life in Spain to College to my poetry- I would have no record of my past except for negative memories.  However, if I take a more Buddhist approach and focus entirely on the ethic of the present moment, then I realize the need for productiveness and the sharing of my personal revelations.

Without writing, I would feel much more guilty about having such an easy life now-  I would feel more lonely, and I would feel purposeless.  If not a single person reads this blog but my husband- I am fine with that.   However, since I know that is not the case let me tie all the loose ends together into a format that makes this coherent to the rest of those who read my rambling thoughts…

PTSD- (Tyr is likely the God most accustomed to it outside the Rokkr), forces one to live in the past-  however, the past is not detached from the present or future.  The “present” is simply a term for the point of view or perspective we hold on our lives at the present moment, or what “eyes” we use to view our lives-  are we viewing remotely or intimately?  Do we look at the greater picture or the minute details of our daily experiences, (if we pay attention to our daily experiences at all…?)

The view from the mountain is lovely, but we miss detail- and although the details of the train are captivating, if we are standing on the tracks to look in the window of one train, anticipating boarding it, we risk being run down by another on a faster track if we do not watch where we place our feet.

The solution is mindfulness- the ability to live, right now, and in the present- to not focus on anticipation or to dwell in regrets OR past glory.   If life is good RIGHT NOW- then it is fair to say you earned the right to that goodness.   If your life RIGHT NOW is chaos, then it is fair to say that you have been negligent and the sum of that negligence is insecurity.   When I look at the times of my life when things were at their worst, it has meant one of two things:

1. This is only a test- make it through this and things will get better.
2. I have ignored all the warning signs and gone “my own way” despite the advice of those wiser than I, leading me into untenable situations…. to get out, I need to extract myself carefully, live ethically, and all will be okay in the eventual future.

Whether or not I am “Okay” at this time is dependent on my state of mind; always, I am materialistically okay; but I have been homeless, lived in an unfinished concrete and drywall room with nothing more than a spare lightbulb- or by the charity of strangers for food and the roof over my head.   I got through those times by a great deal of prayer, sacrifice (including my entire altar to a lake at one point- 15 years of my life- given to four cardinal directions of water)  It took patience, it took waiting. suffering, and asking for help, even when asking for help meant becoming estranged from those I cared for (who, I had to accept, were NOT helping).  It was a matter of putting aside my pride and TALKING both in writing and out loud about what was happening and had happened…. realizing that as long as I use my voice, as long as there is a record of my thoughts and my writings, then it’s a lot easier to clear up misunderstandings, and MUCH harder for people to lie about who I am and where I stand for their own personal gain.

Writing in journals like this has saved my life, my degrees, and my reputation in some regards- everything I write is honest to the best of my perceptions, and keeping records of what I have thought, said, and believed shows a progression.  No one person is supposed to stay stagnant, and, ideally, my favorite people are the ones who admit to striving to learn something new, experience something new, or do something to further their intellectual and spiritual growth daily- even if it just means watching a movie they have never seen before on Netflix or taking a new way home from work.

Time theory at one time lead me to an institution for 10 days, because my life was so fucked up I couldn’t understand why and how if there is no “reality of serial time” that I could suffer so miserably at that moment.   I suffered because either I was either not living in the present and mourning the past too acutely, or that I could not see the larger picture that time had to offer- the Heathen way- that perhaps I brought it on myself by not being as Tyrian (honest) as I should have been, and in lying to save another person, I had ruined my own Wyrd for that moment.

My life improved when I stopped trying so hard to protect a man not worth my protection, by bringing Tyr’s influence back into my life into a place of prominence where I could once again claim with honesty I was no liar.  It involved a great deal of pain; and still, my honesty causes me loss of friends- however, I have lived the other way. I have lied for who I thought was a friend and almost lost my literal life over it….by placing the needs of a narcissist above my own without the consciousness of realizing I was doing so.  I was told by Loki to protect my professor, and I did.  I saved his life by speaking up and preventing him from being assassinated in Turkey.  My responsibility was not to lie for him to cover up why he was not properly doing his job, nor was it to lie to make him appear better than me and disgracing myself in favor of his reputation when he was the one who was behind on our joint work, not I.

Should I have listened to my inner instincts, I would have known lying at all is never the correct solution to anything at all- and even with the best of intentions, one lie can damage the Wyrd severely.

Kant was wrong in that regard, bad actions with good intentions still lead to ultimately negative outcomes.  Furthermore, there is no such thing as a negative intention- there is reactionary intentions, sure.  But few set out intentionally to cause harm without reason or purpose.  With that being said, if the action is good, the result will likely follow to be good as well.

Be productive
Be Honest
Live in the present
See life from both the micro and macro perspectives
Be frithful
and be grateful and happy for what you have been blessed with.

…and if you can’t bear to raise the horn to Loki- raise it to Woten.  Loki gets some of that honor anyway.
…and if you cannot raise the horn to Tyr in good conscious, realize you fucked up massively in life and need to do some serious self assessment.
🙂

Hail!

Shedding Skin

Posted in Justice, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2013 by Tyrienne

I have learned many things in my 31 years on this Earth; the number 1 lesson is “No one likes the unvarnished Truth.”

The truth is, I’m likely more intelligent and articulate than most of you, truth is, I am more often right than when I am wrong- and when I am wrong I am honestly surprised and the first to apologize.  However, were I a concert violinist, no one would find it amiss if I were to state I am likely a better musician than you- however; should the topic change to thought processes, creativity, and pure reasoning power- well, there is a reason I have been plagiarized, feared, and harmed.   I can hold up a mirror and for my flaws in my memory, I can remember certain important facts that people do not want publicized.  In Green Lantern, even Synestro is known as a truth-teller and he’s the greatest enemy in the franchise (or at least the best known).  Like a snake, I am bored and I am listless…I itch as if I have skin I wish to shed….so I am going to do so in this post:

Fact #1.  I know locally famous “magician” who claims to work with light, but in fact was the same magician who introduced my husband and I to ancient Sumerian deities personally- and works with questionably “dark” sources without giving them their due.   Look, the whole light/dark dichotomy is an illusion in the first place- but to demonize both my husband and I for what is barely secret does nothing more than give Ed and I a sort of allure and Je ne sais quoi that makes us appear more exotic and desirable to get to know.  It’s backfiring; now we have people thinking we a couple of warlocks and more people want to meet us rather than less.  Baphomet and Lilith say “Hello ungrateful wretch,” by the by.

Fact #2.  I know a person who claims to be a College professor of Philosophy in a local technical institute who he himself has never set foot into a college for his own education….not only that, has disparaged my own education and does not even know the very foundations in Greek and Asian philosophy.  I would surprised if he could explain the analogy of “Plato’s Cave” without getting lost in the shadows, so to speak… and yet, he considers himself a great teacher and wonders why people blew off his classes.  Fact.  My husband also got him the job because he FAILED the personality test, then stole dozens of hours of Kung Fu lessons from my husband without compensation or fair exchange.  That is the fault of my husband; who was naive enough to allow it to happen.  Get with me; less naive, then the status quo changes.   Enjoy modifying your teaching style to your flavor of the week of people immensely more successful than you dyslexic, insecure, vitriolic fool.   If Yoga and macrobiotics are so good for you; please do, then, explain how your hairline continues to recede.  Unless you have compensated for that as well by explaining it gives your “Third eye more room to breathe.”

Fact #3.  Anti-Lokeans with no sense of humour.  My facebook audience is comprised of friends…and once it was friends and you.   So, we have a priestess and her oaf of a husband who have more reputation behind spreading rumors than they do for any positive influence they have contributed to the community.  Nice.  Enjoy holding fainings in bowl-o-rama’s and Starbucks’- Oh, wait, I forgot- nothing remotely Heathen is discussed at such events, but rather, it would be better served to be renamed the “Berks’c County Science Fiction Appreciation Society.”

Also-  A kindred with three people is a “Triad” not a “Kindred”.  Ed has debated appearing at one of your events for “old time’s sake” to see how you would all react to the “Great Necromancer” you have built him up to be- however, time is scarce when he is home as it is.

When I first moved to Reading I found my life to be entirely different- ignorance was bliss I suppose.  I didn’t lack for activity (we also had two cars then).  First after dealing from the backlash of the Dishonorable Oathbreaking Whore who shared her home with my husband and was upset I ruined her delusional plans to leave her husband for Ed.  Question:  If you want to leave your husband, why not leave him FIRST then pursue other men?   This is also a GREAT question for the other Oathbreaking whore I know.

Fact #4  I don’t like Oathbreakers.  At all.   I have had to single handedly combat the false stereotype of Lokeans everywhere being considered Oathbreakers by nature.  Loki is no Oathbreaker, I believe you have Him confused with Odin.  Where now there is a psuedo-academic running around on her new husband, making a huge show of it to the point where it is obvious to anyone with eyes, and I am told *I* should reach out to reconcile with the very thing that I myself am Oathed to combat?  Sweetheart,  being a Lokean doesn’t give your carte blanch to be a liar, nor a whore.   If you want to be a whore, Great!  I have no problem with whores, but don’t lie about it- release your husband from his contract made in bad faith, unpoison your well of Wyrd, and live polyamourously.   I don’t care how many papers you write, or how many events you create.

Oathbreaker, Oathbreaker, Oathbreaker.

I call you out and your community knows you.  Your husband is a hero and you are a little child pretending to be a woman pretending to be a edgy eternal collegiate whore.  I do not absolve you of your lies to me.  You did not break your oath by “Falling in love” with another man.  You broke your marriage vows by revolving your life around a man who is not your spouse.  Your kinsmen is little better for not confronting you directly as he oathed to US, but instead began the rumor mill surrounding you.   Keep proving to yourself you are clever enough to be a Lokean, but I don’t see it.
In fact, you are DIRECTLY IN MY WAY OF FULFILLING MY OATH TO IMPROVE LOKI’S REPUTATION AND THE REPUTATION OF THOSE WHO WORSHIP HIM, (Therefore, I have a right to be a little pissed off.)

So, anyway, back to Reading.  This place is a cesspool of twisted fucks, backstabbers, and pretentious fools with more money than sense- especially in Wyomissing.   I want change, but I am stuck here for an entire year more.  I have dipped my toes into the pool of other communities, but time constrains me, as does lack of transport as well as attempting to live without marijuana as a promise to my spouse until it is legalized, sadly, most communities that interest me are woven together with hemp threads which forces me to be more wary than I would like.

Do you want to know my flaws?  Read my blog, I have listed them repeatedly-  I am a judgemental Tyrian with severe anxiety disorders seeking treatment.  I worry too much, I think more than I should and I trap myself in my own mind more often than I like.  But I am no liar, no Oathbreaker, nor am I twisted, hidden, or grossly attempting to hide my shame behind false legitimacy.

I seek help when I need it, and I admit when I’m wrong.  But after 31 years- let’s expedite this process a bit.  Instead of waiting a few years for the issues to have evaporated before you come before me with your hearts in your hands and your apologies, I challenge you to do it now- while things are still fresh, and I will take the parts pertaining to you down.

Little Lokeans, watch and learn.  THIS is flyting, and this is how to be a true Lokean.  Not by being deceptive, but by being the firelight before the mirror that exposes the weak to their own selves to where they cannot close their eyes and look away.

You know who you are.  I am bored, what better reason is there than that to stir things up a bit?  Also, I am in desperate search for a LEGITIMATE, kind Yoga studio, not in a gym, that does not charge an arm and a a leg for at least 3+ sessions per week.  If you are aware of one in Berks county, please advertize in the comments below.  There is no reason why yoga outside of this area goes for $60 a month and under- but here it averages to around $100 for the privilege of existing in this shitpit called Reading, Pa.

🙂

Unholy Scapegoats and Sacred Martyrs. Posting in Delerium.

Posted in On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 25, 2013 by Tyrienne

My gods  I have been utterly irresponsible towards myself the last 24 hours and I know it.  I itch, horrendously- all over, a long forgotten side effect of a medication I requested to help “cure” me of bronchitis.  The medication is a cough syrup containing Vicodan, a drug I have been well acquainted with for several years as it was used to treat my pain prior to my hysterectomy.

However irrelevant this may seem, I also know that it is also a consequence of me getting dangerously close to breaking an Oath I made to Tyr almost a year ago regarding Loki. That I would figure out a way to improve His name and reputation in the community, do or die.  I would figure it out, why, these two Gods out of several pantheons had decided to involve themselves in my life personally…and I have slacked off, not posting things and insights I have received in favor of doing other things.  Not because I do not love my Gods, but because occasionally, I just want out of the entirety of the community, to be honest.

In the last year, several changes have occurred overall, some worse, some for the better.  The Troth is now openly accepting of Lokeans, there are Lokean communities, support, and a networks all over the web that did not exist a year ago.  I have met several wonderful people, I have been blessed enough to be treated with deference I am not quite certain I have earned- and scorn I know for a fact I know I did not earn. However, a punch line needs to come out of somewhere and I have been meandering around it for months.

I know one other person off the top of my head who works with both Loki and Tyr extensively, Thor Sheil, and even he does not limit his conversations to those two Gods exclusively.  However, constantly, the two come up- oftentimes in the same conversations.

My husband is of the belief that our Gods represent more of a sacred archetype sort of structure; metaphors and thought forms created by human existence that gain power through cumulative centuries of belief.  I disagree with him, personally, and have a much more C.S. Lewis look on cosmology where everything that has ever been thought of exists and breathes with life.  That the act of creation itself is sacred- whether it be in parenting or in writing, and like Narnia- Gods of air, fire, sky, and water coexist and rule under some great universal consciousness.  I believe that all the time there has ever been has already been written; however, I also believe in extensive and perpetual editing as well.

Why am I itching?  I took too much damned vicodan. I am not blaming the illness, it was irresponsible- and instead of dealing with discomfort, I decided to double up on my dose last night hoping to sleep only to awaken itching first thing in the morning like a motherfucker.

So, back to the story line here.  There are two Gods, one is a scapegoat and one is a martyr.  I cannot accurately say they are “My” Gods, so much as I am one of “Their” people.  Which blows my mind and keeps me humbled that no matter what happens with my Earthly family here, I have Gods who specifically teach me and care for me- as well as other Gods as well.  I owe a debt of gratitude to Freyr, Inanna, Odin, Bast, Hanuman, and Ganesha as well- and likely countless others.

I am delirious at the moment with fever….but I need to get this point across:  A scapegoat is the same thing as a martyr- the only difference is the martyr willingly and consciously makes the decision to put themselves in harm’s way for the highest good.  The scapegoat, the “Highest good” places blame on to keep general unity and consensus among the community- for nothing forms tighter bonds than a hatred towards a common enemy.

Problem: Loki is no one’s enemy.  Loki’s crime is admitting he is imperfect, that he makes mistakes, he atones for them, he sacrifices, he creates anew, solves problems and through Him the vast majority of the symbols that represent our faith are directly through his work.  Every person who wears a Thor’s hammer, to Loki should be double grateful.   For it was Loki who commissioned it’s creation, as well as through Loki it was returned when it was stolen.  Odin’s horse, Sleipnir, is Loki’s son- to whom he is Mother….Odin’s Raven’s- are a gift from Loki’s daughter, Hel. Through Hel, Bragi survives Ragnorak to take charge of the new pantheon.  Freyr’s ship, Odin’s armband, Idunna’s sanity- Loki, Loki, Loki, again.

Then, when he isn’t invited to the feast of the Gods, he is rightly incensed. He flytes. He points out their flaws, and is condemned,  tied to a rock according to some accounts, as his sons are slayed before him.  Loki watched as his one wife was burned before him, not once, but three times as his other children were condemned as “monsters” as accounted by the Norn’s- who’s advice created nothing more than self-fulfilling prophecies that were listened to by the younger Gods.

Loki son of Jotuns, son of Farbouti, God of Lightning and illness as well as Laufey, the Goddess of needles or trees depending on how you look at it. Literally- Loki’s creation was the fire of lightning upon leaves.  He was born fire.

Which leads me to Edward’s post about Norse genealogy here.

Through the perversions of Marvel comics and Christianity we have created a false dichotomy that Aesir= good and Jotuns=bad.

Now, here is the second half of the story:

Tyr, older than all the other Gods combined, records predating most of the traditional stories- the God of Sky, war, and justice. The one handed one, the martyr God.  Also, son of giants, one frost, one fire who was disowned by his own family when He decided to throw in his lot with the Aesir.  Why?  Because the Aesir needed an incorruptible judge, an elder, and one to guide them to show them the meaning of justice.  Tyr is the greatest of all fighters, the most terrifying of all the Aesir from personal accounts.

If Loki’s truth is the difficult truth that needs speaking, then Tyr is master of the sacrifice- (Other than Kvasir), Tyr has had to give up/leave behind what has meant the most to Him to do “The right thing.”.  Tyr is never villinized, because Tyr is seen as perfect in his imperfection.  He could grow back his hand, but He understands that would make the sacrifice of it meaningless.  The loss of His hand is a constant reminder of the costs of breaking oaths to both humans and Gods alike.  Tyr suffers/ed to show the “right” thing is not the “easy” way to do things….and He has lost it all because of it.  His family, His hand, and eventually, his Life.

Tyr is the judge, the martyr, the one who fixes.  He is the wise old man who grieves the injustice of the universe alone on His mighty shoulders.  He looks at all consequences and leads by example.  If you break an oath, prepare to lose what is dear to you.  Unlike Christianity, we are free to judge who we may and may not allow in our lives.  However, there are consequences.   And He who seems to be friend of everyone has no friends at all.  Tyr has no family, he was disowned, and yet, he pays the price for the dishonor of the family to which He adopted, in the end, losing his life as a payment for all oaths broken- so that a new dawn may arise in Baldr- in peace, and Vanic prosperity.   To lose the Aesir to the Vanir is to go from the Ego of man back to the realization that we are part of all nature. Just as the Jotuns once were.  Tyr was the stop-gap- Tyr, the self-hating, Tyr the teacher of those to whom no one else would teach- he who taught Hel at His mighty feet and befriended Fenrir.  The one who kept the “old ways” alive as the “new religion” took over.

Loki, is seen as the fuck up, but fixed far more than he ever disrupted., he is “Liar” who never lies, the “oathbreaker” who broke no oaths, and a foil to Tyr in some strange way.  Loki points out the Aesir’s corruption, and is bound, He who takes chances and occasionally loses and then pays back threefold.

The problem with Loki is NOT that he is Jotun, it is that he is too human-  To understand Loki is understand we are all fallible.  That our best intentions and our best jokes can turn sour, and that no matter how much we pay to make amends. It’s easier to hate and fear than it is to accept that our Gods, like us, are imperfect and they know it….and like humans, they do not like to be reminded of their shortcomings either.

So, I agree with Edward to a point- our PERCEPTION of the gods is archetypal…but the reality it far from what we can begin to comprehend.   Like it or not, Loki is Thor’s primary traveling companion.  Like it or not, Loki is Odin’s blood brother- and each horn, stein or cup raised to Odin is also raised to Him as well, like it or not.

Loki is the cleverness we secretly covet, but do not possess ourselves.
Tyr is the God we look up to with the greatest respect- but never speak to for fear of what He may say.

It is been evident that those close to Loki in the human realm are often maligned, but I am happy to report it seems to become an increasingly rarer phenomenon; as we evolve as a community we realize we do not need to hide all of our mistakes along the way, that the clever man is not the same as dishonorable one.

But I can tell you this, for all the shit that I have been through in my life, it was not through Loki’s intercession that I experienced it. It was Tyr.  This is not blame…this is truth….and it was MY choice to follow this pathway. I was not forced to by any means- I was ASKED to, and I accepted this and all it entailed.

To be Tyrian is to be the one to say “You are wrong” when it could cost a friendship. It is to sacrifice to keep the greater whole healthy rather than to “Keep calm and carry on”. It is to correct injustice when given any opportunity to, regardless of who originally caused it initially.

Loki is kind, Loki is caring, Loki is the protector of the lost children, the comfort to the outcast and the clever.    Tyr is no comfort, but action.  Tyr is standing your ground, the life of Tyr is not one of polite lies- but of polite silence until the silence becomes injustice….then Tyr is the voice to cry “foul”….Tyr is the stop-gap that reminds us of our roots when we are rootless.  Tyr is also the one whose existence itself disproves many of the kennings against Loki since He, too, is a son of Jotuns and a God of fire.

Many people venerate Tyr, call themselves Tyrspersons, and then hide and lie constantly falsely believing that justice is the equivalent to “getting what one wants”.  Many call themselves Lokian but do not possess the cleverness nor the generosity to be truly His.

You don’t get to pick your God’s at the local God*Mart.   They pick you.

Some people call me self centered.  That’s fine…because outside of the Gods, I am the person who I interact with the most on a daily basis…but what you don’t see is the hours I spend on the phone or on facebook comforting strangers and friends…you don’t see how often I am a nexus that connects people to other people, nor do you see me as anything more than a girl who complains all the time about my health or my past.

However, I can say that in being open about my own troubles, in putting out my imperfections, I have been told countless times that I have helped others.  My metaphorical “missing hand” has comforted many people.  I might make some of you squeamish by talking about my trips to the psyche ward- but to someone else, I just gave them the courage to seek help they desperately needed.

If what I write does not apply to you, than perhaps what I have to teach does not apply to you…I can show you my life through this blog, and I can share my mistakes to help others from making the same ones.

Lesson of the day:  Do not underestimate the power of Tussionex- follow the dosage on the bottle or in the morning you will look like you came out the loser in a fight against a dumpster full of rabid ally cats.

This delerium was brought to you by Bronchitis, Tyr, and Loki.

Living With a “Broken” Heart- and Why I Think it’s Hilarious….

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 21, 2013 by Tyrienne
Artist unknown- But It's Loki! With a Raven- in red stuff.  Think Neil Gaiman's "Desire" from "Sandman": Loki at the threshold of the heart, perhaps?  :)

But It’s Loki! With a Raven- in red stuff. Think Neil Gaiman’s “Desire” from “Sandman”: Loki at the threshold of the heart, perhaps?
🙂
Artist-“Loki transforming into falcon” by spanielf on deviantArt (here is a link to the illustration: http://www.deviantart.com/art/Loki-transforming-into-falcon-120901782).

So, a long time ago and far far away (according to my memories, anyway- I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday)…I was in and out of hospitals for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  This was actually a year or two ago-  I’m pretty open about it, I learned a great deal.

Firstly, I learned that the vast majority of “mental” patients are sensitive, intelligent people who are simply victims of extraordinary levels of abuse.  Then again, in “The Horsham Hotel”, as we called the clinic- they did their very best to put people with similar conditions in the same ward- honestly, out of meeting 40 people over the course of 9-12 days each time, I MIGHT have met 2-4 people who were legitimately insane in the way you would typically imagine…and out of those 4, as soon as 2 of them were medicated, they were NORMAL.  I learned that a schizophrenic on medication can out-clever almost any PhD student, and I would sit in awe of the intelligence of some of the people I met whose conditions were so much more socially stigmatized than my own- but, fuck-all if they weren’t brighter, more perceptive, and more “crippled” by living in a society where innate genius is suspect unless channeled into academic achievement or government service.

Anyway, before I get off topic too badly.  On a scale from 1 to pancake as far as “crazy” goes-  I average out somewhere on the “pancake” side of average…but I am pancake enough that I still have far to go, recovery-wise.  I try too hard, I write too much, I break the rules and read up on current events and get all guilty feeling and upset because I could have/should have/would have/ might have been someone who could have been a voice of reason in the well of Crazy they call American media: then subsequently,  I lose my mind on occasion, I forget where I am, I have flasbacks- the whole 9 yards- I’ve said this all before- yadda, yadda, yadda….

So, to the meat and bones of this post- over this time, the majority of my family disowned me- because PTSD was not considered “real” enough to them- despite the fact that most of these same people were there to witness first hand the initial abuse that started the chain reaction of events that lead to being put on SSD- started with physical child abuse and ended in a police interrogation where I was cuffed to a chair and interrogated for 5 hours while denied legal council…

Look, I just wanted to be a diplomat to Iran. (Don’t worry, I don’t anymore.  Hell, I hardly leave this apartment.)

You try and sit through a full police interrogation with PTSD already,  and see how sane you feel after that.

I believe the quote from my grandfather was to the tune of: “It would have been better if you did kill yourself instead of stealing OUR Social Security WE paid into- besides, it’s not a REAL disease like a Heart condition.”  When he so kindly called me when I was released from the hospital.

Well, I have some news!……drumroll please….

I have a heart condition!  (Also, I paid into Social Security just like every other American from 15 years old onward- and made decent money for most of my 20’s- that section of my family is wealthy and newly judgmental since moving into their retirement cult community of tea-partying psuedo-Libertarians)

Anyway, so- it’s Tachycardia-  It seems to have almost the exact same physical symptoms as a panic attack- which means I can not discern when I am truly “Panicked” or if it’s just my heart losing rhythm- they both amount to the same symptoms in the end.   I also have asthma, but that’s old news.  This will require surgery- I am ineligible for pills since most of my normal prescriptions are on the “sedative” side anyway- and my heart rate is still 110-150.  Without sedatives?  We don’t know- but they rejected my idea for me to go off my normal routine medications for a few days for fear of breaking 200 bpm at-rest.

I said “I think that sounds neat, actually.”
They were not amused.

They still won’t give me a straight answer on a scale from “Common cold” to “Deadly Cancer” as to what Tachycardia translates to- but they will not medicate me for it since my blood pressure is 80/60.  Because, really- they still don’t know.  They know it’s above “Common cold”, though with the blood pressure taken into consideration.

They said, if medicated, I would likely faint often-  I replied “I’m terrible at sleeping anyway- I don’t mind, really!”  Again, they were not amused.

I don’t feel a thing, I was diagnosed by a nurse at the local blood center I was donating my platelets to regularly. Without a dose of Valium immediately prior to entering the building, I would get kicked out 2/3 days in a row for my high pulse.  I joked about it.  I wanted them to put up a chart of records for everything I used to get kicked out for:  High heart rate, low blood pressure, low iron, high iron, etc.   Mostly, it was my heart rate.  I thought it was a giant joke, really.  My heart has been like this for YEARS.  I do not feel a damned thing.

The nurse didn’t think it was funny either which is why I got sent to the cardiologist.

Anyway, so I have never felt so utterly Lokian/Lokien as I do at this moment with this situation: I have a condition which I can’t feel distinctly from my typical daily madness… and the cherry on the icing is that it makes my family look like complete ASSHOLES (even more so than before.) AND they will have to face the masses of people who love me, who all know what they said to me and what I am going through.

Delicious.

In pulling my records- it is clear that the Tachycardia was present but undiagnosed for at least 5 years at minimum…and my heart on account of this is “larger” than it should be- this is apparently a problem too.

I’m not dying of this, but it could be PART of the fabric of my psyche that I just became so accustomed to I cannot discern it from anything else- from asthma attack to flashbacks-  It could be Tachycardia, It could be my lungs, or I could be crazy.

For everyone who hoped I ended up “broken hearted”-  Hah! Loki rules.

If you ever ask for Loki to make you a milkshake, be prepared to be put in a blender and covered with whipped cream, asshats.  Loki is not the God I personally go to for favors, for curses, etc.

For me, he’s the one I go to to say “Thank you” or more appropriately “Hey, check out this humorous insanity here…”

I figure there are more than enough people asking Him for the wrong things-  Thinking he is some Asatru version of Satan.  I imagine there is some cult kindred out there wearing upside-down Valknuts and chanting in backwards German to Loki, Sutr, and Hel- and making complete and total asses of themselves.

I look up to Loki, I abide by His example- and right now, I think I am handling this with the humour He would expect out of such a situation.   I have made my friends and  family aware of all the little gory details of this new development so even if they are incapable of feeling shame for their treatment of me- I know others will look on them with further disgust at their negligence and ignorance- which satisfies me.

And to anyone who “cursed me with a broken heart”, if they exist at all-  Way to fuck that one up! 🙂

So, I call a cardiologist- all total I have had 6 days in testing and all that has been concluded is mine is in no way connected to my mental condition whatsoever- and I still have 2 more weeks of testing to go; which they are graciously allowing me to wait until AFTER my wedding to complete, grudgingly.  The blood center called today too-  I am banned from returning without a doctor’s note giving me “permission” to donate again.

Most people they beg…me?  They need a permission slip.  Only a Lokian.

I’m sorry, but a heart monitor on a sling will NOT be my “something blue”…. and I promised I would try not to die. By the end of August, though- I should have an idea of what this all means, as in- “Will insurance cover the surgery now…or do I need to wait until I am of a certain age like my hysterectomy?”

I’ve been working on finding personal immortality, so far so good…. however, in typical shamanic process I have been slowly having parts of my body surgically removed since I was 19.  In the Dreamtime, they usually put crystals in there or something- last time I had something removed they gave me a pump full of penicillin- Cool, except I was allergic to Pennicilin and ended up on 3 months worth of burn-patient meds.

It was the best summer I can’t remember-  except to recall my military buddy fighting with a 19 year old over who got my excess tampons- he wanted them for bullet wounds….and I recall a lot of pills, trying to read “Dune” repeatedly, and writing a tripped out report on the movie “Gattica” for a class I only physically sat through two sessions of.  I got an A for the semester.  Great professor, Dr. Falla; I’m still sad I missed his lectures, but I have been to his church services where he is a pastor.

(Do you have any idea how hard it is to sit through a church service lead by one of your college professor…?  I wanted to raise my hand so badly and ask for clarification when he was using the scriptures of Paul… why not the gospels? Council of Nicaea approved texts?=bad news!  C’mon sir, you’re UCC!  I want to hear some Gnosticism! )

Speaking of religiousy things- The Wedding festivities are all of July-still…. and it’s open invitation to all who wish to come and bring food to the picnic on the 28th.  Plenty of time for the news of my “broken heart” to make the rounds, I’m sure.

We are excited to meet with our favorite Braucher on the 29th of June and his Universalist cohort to plan the ceremony itself. 🙂

Go team Jotun-born-  You guys did me a solid once again- there really isn’t anything bad to say about me at this point, except in that I might be just a TAD bit too smug that in the end, people have to eat the their own unjust words, or at least- guard their mouths more carefully for what they ask for might come true and turn the tables on them…

….and if I “need” anything, I ask Tyr.   Justice?  In a way that doesn’t bother me physically in any way but makes other people look foolish and exposes them as inconsiderate?  Sure, I’ll take it.

But again, what Lokian would not be this way?

🙂
(P.S. I have no idea why people spell it “Lokien” vs. “Lokian”; does anyone out there in cyberspace have an answer? Does it even matter?)

Life is Fair.

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods with tags , , , , , on June 12, 2013 by Tyrienne
Fenrir and Loki as depicted (by signiture) by some person who goes by "Florbe 91" on Tumblr.com

Fenrir and Loki as depicted (by signature) by some person who goes by “Florbe 91” on Tumblr.com

This goes against everything you have ever been taught.  But I will explain in a long, convolted rambling way like I usually do, then Deux ex Machina the heck out of the end of this post to make it appear that a common thread existed all along through out my mad ramblings.

Got it?

Good.

(Speaking of “Mad Ramblings”, check out Eddie’s new blog post Here on Lovecraft)

In the Lokasenna, Loki found himself outside the great hall of the Aesir- uninvited to a party to which all others had been granted invitation.  He was outraged; was he not Odin’s sworn brother?  He entered, Bragi made room, Vidarr poured him some mead, and Loki then proceeded to tear apart each participant at the feast out of His frustration and rage at being excluded when He was promised a seat at each feast.

Tyr- silent for much of the poem, only spoke to defend Freyr’s honor, Loki attempted to Silence him basically saying “Well, your hand was taken by my son”  Tyr replies “So it was- and when the Gods fall, so will he” (loosely paraphrased)  Loki then insinuated that Tyr’s wife once cheated on him with Loki- which was undisputed, and Loki offered the man pity for the lack of recompense for Zisa’a infidelity.

But not a single word was uttered against Tyr’s honor… it was more like “Hey! You’re missing a hand! Ha ha- handless dude is handless!” in much the way I laugh at retards wearing helmets in the supermarket.  Disabilities are hilarious; including my own.  Watching me shriek after a loud noise or hearing about my over-the-top reaction to any nightmare to subsequently become the “human squid-monster” while wrapping myself around Eddie like a tentacled Lovecraftian ghoul is both pathetic and still a little funny to think about.  (He Likes squids.  He said so…  marrying one should be a dream come true)

Anyway…

Tyr is a God-  If golden metal can be grown from Sif’s scalp after a mere shaving- Tyr could create something to serve as a hand.  As for the infidelity; truly it does not say that Tyr was anything other than faithful- and his wife still remained his own.  Tyr keeps his own council- but he does not contradict Loki’s claim that Freyr had slept and born children with Freya, but rather, pointed out Freyr’s best qualities- that he frees those from slavery and no woman is ever harmed by the God, and Freyr is among the greatest of the fighters- no small compliment from Tyr, the God Battle and Justice.  So, Freyr slept with his sister-  So did almost everyone/everything else according to several sources, and it was consensual.  Icky even by Norse standards, however, still a private arrangement between consenting adults.

Loki moves on to easier prey to satiate his anger at this point, realizing the reaction of Tyr of: “Why yes, yes I did lose a hand- I miss it, and it’s going to suck for Fenris when the Gods fall.” was an honest answer, and not enough to get a “rise” out of him.  Tyr basically retorted with “Well, no one is going to win from anything regarding that situation.” in other words.

Loki did nothing that was contradicted in the Lokasenna other than point out the flaws of each person attending- none of them disputed as inaccurate, however some did come to the defense of others to point out the positive traits that contradicted the negative.

Loki in rage is not kind in words, but He is not untruthful.  He is hurtful, cruel, and even mocking.  He was also offended, hurt, and outcast despite promises made in blood with Woten, the All-Father, that not a drink would be poured without one also being poured for Loki as well.

His reaction is the same of that of any family member who finds themselves not on the guest list of any family event- so- He crashed the party.

There is something I have discovered with weddings called the “Maleficent Paradox”-  namely, that there are people who you KNOW will cause nothing but hard feelings whether or not you invite them, you might not even wish to SEE them, however, to NOT give them the respect they feel they are due will cause greater hardship in the long run.

As someone who is both of Tyr and Loki- I can understand that sacrifices and appeasements must be made for those people.  Our wedding is potluck; yet, it was announced to me by my father that “Formal, official” invitations were expected by certain family members personally written by yours truly.  However, Miss Manners dictates the actual, Socially Correct action is that the parents of the bride are meant to send out all invitations.   For my family’s attempt at pretension, they certainly failed the class on politically/socially correct means of correspondence regarding weddings in nouveau-wealthy charm school when they lived in the Main line, I suppose.  (I assume they MUST have one in Bala Cynwyd)

Official invitations to what amounts to a picnic?  Really?  Well- okay then.   Ed and I went out to Party City, he picked out something that looked reasonable and used his sister’s discount to get them for a grand total of $2 for 8.   I wrote them up in a day, and realized I still could use another pack:

Overall, in writing the invitations to the people I realized that it wasn’t at all a bad thing-   There were also people who I desperately want to attend who are elderly friends of mine who cannot operate a computer even with guided instruction, a tutor, and a Mac.  The same people who when you bought them an answering machine in the 1990’s created the classic message “HELLO?!  DO I TALK NOW?  HOW DO I GET THIS TO WORK?  WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO???  I THINK I BROKE IT…”  *BEEEP*”

/shakes head.

Anyway, because of having to appease the den of angry, rabid lions that share blood with me- I ended up calling up good friends, old neighbors, as well as making some people feel deservedly special for their role in my life; like the family that took me in when I moved out at 17…. they actually deserved something special; as did my neighbors from Haverford who called child services on my mother several times when I was very small- and gave me their back yard to play in to escape the worst days of my mother- even before they themselves had a child.

The point of our wedding is that (almost) EVERYONE is invited.  You come, great- you don’t come.  Oh well.  Bring food.  Bring Drink- dress however the fuck you want.

The exception to an invitation?  If either my future spouse or I have said, “Stay out of our lives, please.”  It’s actually a shorter list than one would expect.  On my side, well,  it’s just my schizophrenic biological mother who is about as sane as a sack of weasels and if the rest of my family can be compared to a pride of angry lions, she would be a rabid, obese rhino with the  face of Andre the Giant and all the good social graces of Hitler at a Bar Mitzvah.

Anyone other than her?  Fuckit. Love us, hate us, indifferent?  Unlikely-  whatever.  You are willing to make the drive to Gring’s mill and bring food?  Excellent.  Make a scene, and there will be a small army of large men with beards who will ever so gently usher you back to your vehicle.  Play nice and you get to meet a lot of neat people and eat copious amounts of delicious food.

This is actually the TRADITIONAL Pennsylvania Dutch way of handling such an event.  Generally, you invite the entire community, people show up with food, the couple is married, then food is eaten.   Easy.   Also, same for most other tribal cultures around the world.

We have received some criticism- all from people who don’t matter and likely will not attend, anyway:

So, our wedding is now “untraditional” for being traditional, we are  “a joke” or “offensive”….or are we?

I have a dress I modified and sewed myself from two dresses that came to $24 that shows off every single tattoo I have proudly (none are in sensitive areas), there will be people from all walks of life- in all manners of dress.  I have friends who own companies and people so poor they are on disability as I am-  There are people I haven’t seen in years as well as people I see regularly.  There will be college professors, former coworkers, close friends, as well as people I have yet to meet.

The religious wedding will be partially auf Deutsch/ part English….and hopefully short.  As for vows?  Anything less then from the heart and on the spot will seem contrived.

There will be a little girl dressed as a pink cat princess in a tutu as well as at least one professional wrestler in full ring makeup.  There will be at least one person in camouflage- maybe even a few with beards that would make ZZ Top look pitiful by comparison.   Throw in a couple of women dressed for a Renaissance faire- someone in a karate uniform, and several kilted Irishmen and it sounds like something “typical” that one would expect the two of us to throw.

My birthday parties at the hookah lounge usually had a similar turnout.  Only instead of coiffed like a drag-queen at Diamondz lounge in Allentown, I dressed like “Alex” a’la “A Clockwork Orange”.   The same amount of mascara will likely be used.  From the same tube I used last time:  Mascara used twice in 4 years.  Hot diggity.  I’m going all out here, folks.

Weddings in the United States have become not about the marriage of the couple anymore- but rather about impressing others as to your personal affluence.  People stress over guest lists, seating charts, who-gets-along-with-whom, and other bullshit.  Flowers?  Who needs flowers when you’re in a fucking park?  As for “favors”….I don’t know- take home some leftovers?  (either that or I’ll throw together the Ren-traditional glass-beads-covered-in-metallic-sharpie bindrunes by the hundred….as soon as I can convince Ed NOT to include “Ear” as his personal symbol)

We spent $100 for a pavilion that seats 100.  Take a plastic plate-  fill it, find a seat near people you know- or make friends.   Stay for just the wedding, or stay until clean-up and the after party back at the apartment…  Whatever floats your boat, skipper.

So, wow- this is not the post I expected to write today.  I have a million and one things on my plate and only 2 of them have anything to do with the wedding.  Most of them involve yet another identity theft case and the same legal wrangling I have faced for now over a year now.

Should I whine and say “Life isn’t fair…?”  Not at all,  because I have learned that in life we choose if our lives are “fair” or not.   The annoying bullshit I have to put up with regarding legal matters is actually helping people with similar problems suffer less in the future because I have the time, resources, and intelligence to combat injustice where others might not have such gifts.

Weird Shit will always happen to me, I’m Lokian/Lokean (pick your spelling)-   But if I am in the family of Loki- Tyr is my boss.   Tyr was the one who told the Norse not to trust self-fulfilling prophecies, He was the one to care for Fenrir the wolf when no other would approach him, and He was the one who bears a missing hand- as a reminder that WE have the power to make life, as a whole, fair for others through our own actions. My God is the eldest still, if he is not wisest- he cannot be denied that he has seen a great deal over thousands of years worth of human and deific folly.

Fenris was bound- but it broke Tyr’s oath to the wolf to do so- and the loss of the hand is a reminder of that oath.  Did Tyr’s wife cheat on him?  Well, Loki is a shapeshifter and known to be charming-  Tyr, as much of a judge as he is, has only broken ONE oath ever recorded in history- sure, you could pity the man, but respect would be more appropriate that if the marriage vows were broken- they were only broken on one end….and there is not enough other documentation on Zisa to make much of a determination on the matter except She is known as the one who can “untie the knots” in our lives and find solutions for difficult situations- and the Lokasenna is a disputed text at best anyway.

What is not disputed is Tyr as a God of justice, the reason for the loss of His hand, and why He chooses it to remain that way.

I have figured that the “bad” or “annoying” things that occur in my life generally are part of a larger picture….and usually, I am uniquely suited with both my words and my intellectual resources to sort things out in the end. In doing so, and in doing so in view of the public, apparently, I have helped others more than once who have experienced situations that could be mended by similar resolutions that I have discovered myself- which ultimately makes me happy in the end.   My life is based on feeling “useful” in some way.  Although writing to me is often cathartic and a way to blow off steam- it also shows that I am simply a person, like anyone else…. and I go through “person” things that many other people also go through.

I am far from “cursed” or “plagued” except, perhaps, mentally- but for that, I have also been compensated fairly in spirituality, love, experience, as well as in government aid – all of which help me address my problems in some form of both organization and support.

When the biggest annoyance I have is hand-sewing my own wedding clothing- I have it pretty good.  I know the flashbacks and nightmares will get worse before they get better…. I know my identity theft situation will bounce between a few more people in Harrisburg before being settled- However, I also know, ultimately, it will not even make a difference once I change my name and my insurance.

So, in conclusion….if you life “isn’t fair”- then look at the bigger picture, do the “right” thing regarding the greatest number of people you can, and MAKE it fair.  There are things in life that are out of our control- but our reaction to them is the key to the “fairness” of the entirety of all situations…. if you end up having to do uncomfortable, tedious things to make life easier for others who will eventually be in your shoes, then although you won’t see the fruits of your progress- others will suffer less because of your efforts.  That is fair, and there are likely people who came before me and experienced even greater “unfairness” than I did- which is now why I am able to be afforded the chances and advantages I have been given…. and I thank those nameless people for their hard work in making my life easier, not even knowing how much they had to struggle.

If life seems “unfair”- or the path ahead looks wrong; choose a better one.  If no better option appears: wait.  If you wait and run out of time and then are forced to travel the unsavory pathway anyway- you’re at least guaranteed to learn something along the way.   There is not one single experience in life where we do not learn SOMETHING, even if it is simply in which mistakes never to make again.

Three Tiers: Wedding plans

Posted in About me, Justice, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2013 by Tyrienne

Adriaen van Utrecht | Vanitas Still-Life with a Bouquet and a Skull

Warning: This blog post is likely longer and more boring than most I have written up until this point.  Real life often is.

After what felt like an hour of scrubbing, I have almost removed all that remains of the surgical tape that attached a heart monitor to me for 24 hours.  Man, that sucked-  however, I get to “enjoy” this ritual all over again tomorrow after my stress test on the treadmill.  More tape, more monitors….followed by my very first appointment with a real internist in several years where I get to drop a lifetime of medical history and subsequent legal paperwork on the poor soul to fill out on the first day I ever lay eyes on him.  La-de-da.

These are the hoops to jump through to get a single pill/surgery/whatever that will get my pulse from that of a hummingbird to a human…and yet, blood pressure remains corpse-like.   It’s been awkward; I have several specialists, but have not had an official “doctor” coordinating everything like most people in years.  So, instead of sending all the results in advance-I thought it would be wise to meet with the man first before he receives an onslaught of results from dozens of tests from all over Pennsylvania from every known type of specialist.

I have not met him, but I sincerely hope he is nice, intelligent, and has a sense of humour.   I was told he does have experience with cases like me-  however, most cases “like me” don’t usually have one day every few weeks of unusual competence nor steady spousal support resulting in remaining “on top” of the pile of endless tests, justifications, and prescriptions required to keep further deterioration at a minimum.  That, and I have religion  which allows for plenty of Deus ex Machina to cover me when I am barely treading water.

Good thing our last ritual was to healing Goddesses… Hail Mengloth and Eir, right? 🙂

So, it’s been an excitingly frustrating 7 days-
On the bright side, I was allowed to keep the “Time” magazine from the phlebotomy office at Quest Diagnostic which had the article on the second man to teach me Sufism via his students, as “One of the World’s 100 most influential people.”  This is the same man who taught me that any person who demands your respect deserves it the least. I was awestruck- and now have an answer for the wishful yoga “Guru” (Capital “G”, yo’.) who wanted my supplication and obedience to his ridiculous and under-researched take on Hinduism since he “sat at the feet of the wisest yogi’s on the planet…”

Krishna is NOT a pacifist.  I suggest the Bhagavad Gita as a resource considering the majority of the text refers to Krishna addressing his friend, Arjuna about the necessity of war.  I learned that in college from many religion courses… not from some mansion-living asshole wearing a burlap sack and ripping off rich Americans with more money than sense, and not enough book readin’ to know better.

Okay, asshat- My teacher was in “Time” magazine….was yours, Mr. Abusive, anorexic, autistic, paranoid, no-degree, vegan, pretentious, parent-funded jackass? 🙂

Also= I’m not a Hindu.,

(The urge to contact this character to say: “Bow to me, lowly peon…!”  exists, but just the satisfaction of this information is more than enough to humour me)

Our personal practices have become more interesting in the past few weeks as we seem to escape any and all boundaries or commonality with what people expect of us.   We have become frustrated that the most exciting things in our religious practices are likely to be the least understood; yet at the same time- we find ourselves surrounded by so many unhappy people that we both had to learn that we cannot please everyone, accept everyone, and be beholden to everyone.  Time is precious, spend it wisely on what you can influence positively.  Remove from your life what makes you unhappy, uncomfortable, and what does not bear fruit.-  This I learned years and years ago from a Native shaman who read me at another faire.  “Know when to hold them, know when to fold them, and let fields lie fallow when they don’t grow corn.”

I must say though- getting a Ouija board made by a Floridian priest out of Haitian wood decorated with tarot cards around the edges was the most interesting purchase made…. and also, the object in particular is 1/20 in the entire world, blessed, and works well.  We managed to channel a rather sarcastic author my fiancee is partial to who offered hysterical answers to our questions-
As well as indicating my dead grandpa was also in the room…by referring to him as “The Nazi”.
“Why would you say such a thing about him?”  We asked,
“Hello! Because He is”.  (Grandpa was temporarily in the SS during WWII- but defected to the British secret service) If you want an idea of what’s going on- check out Ed’s new blog Here.

Basically, to sum up Ed’s blog we have both lived lives where we have been extraordinary push-overs in attempting to please everyone, and we are currently working on rewriting both of our priority sets to honor ourselves more, care less about the games and dramas of others, and learn to discern where and when we can contribute the most good to the world and when to gracefully bow out and do our own thing.  Making everyone happy was making us anti-social and resentful.  It was time to take some of ourselves back for our own good.

Heathenly speaking: Nauthiz has been in full swing as my fiancee and I found ourselves forced to make concrete decisions regarding wedding plans.  I visited a psychic last week for a reading who gave better advice than my current therapist- basically, that even as the shell of a “Type A” personality- I need to learn flexibility and that if something isn’t going the way I envisioned, it is not to say all is lost- but rather, there are possibilities I was likely not aware of that will come to pass and to allow more competent and willing parties to take charge.  Which is exactly what occurred.

Every altar was given at least one new gift of a stone, candle, or both- including a huge terminated, irradiated smokey quartz on my fiancee’s main altar- some smaller black quartz  and blue Bornite for Tyr,  A citrine/quartz and a handful of Bornite for Loki.  An Amethyst raven for The Morrigan, a natural, jewelers quality quartz for Anubus, and Zinc quartz for the Gentleman’s Altar of Freyr/Janis and Cernunnos…. all with fresh, new candles….including refilling our box of tealights for the ailing, dead, and those who request honest, legitimate help from us.

The candle for the patron of our relationship has been lit off and on for days-  it might surprise some to know that it is Freyr we look to for relationship issues rather than any Rokkr.  We as a couple remain remarkably stable- however, the process of life regarding the wedding “clicking” into place around us needed a “spark” of discontent in our wedding plans- we had to defend our religious practices to another, which then triggered a chain affect of solidifying a much more complicated and satisfying wedding arrangement than even I imagined beforehand.

So- my idea of the picnic is the woods is still going to work; we have confirmed Ed’s favorite park with pavilion space enough for food and the possibility of rain.  Furthermore, in letting go of my innate habit of being the “planner” in the relationship-  Ed created a beautiful 3-tiered wedding process that never would have crossed my mind that solves a series of problems I was struggling to accommodate.

First, since we have to get our license from the state anyway, he wanted a private judge-wedding with just family followed by a nice dinner at the beginning of the month.  This way, we can take advantage of the next 10 days he has off for a honeymoon that is technically “real”….including some light day trips to places like the Mutter Museum and possibly Salem or New York.

Since we are doing this all ourselves- the day before our actual Braucher- officiated wedding; we are having a get together lunch with whomever wishes to join us at a Scottish restaurant near the majority of my friends the Saturday before- a sort of cross between the idea of a bachelor/ette party and rehearsal dinner….followed by an evening of cards against humanity and take-out cuisine for the evening as those out-of-towners and people who wish to help set up for the “big” thing stay overnight at our apartment if they want to.   Then, Sunday- as I get my hair done, (and possibly nurse my hangover) the men set up in the morning, then at 2pm we have a  family friendly picnic, Heathen ceremony- and at the end of the evening, whomever is left to help with clean up comes back to our apartment for sumbel, in the midst of all of our altars, our cats, and all the blessings one can want.

So, right now, I am waiting on the judge to call me back to confirm the first week of July for the “legal-ease” wedding, set up a hair appointment for the 28th, and now- I am looking for a cheap florist to provide a bouquet or two… as well as good, sturdy flowers to wear in my hair.  Looking at bulk prices, it appears miniature blue carnations and baby’s breath sent via some online site are currently the front runners.  20 bucks for 50 stems of each.  Not bad.

Still need to purchase shoes, a slip, and next week- my fiancee’s Scottish regalia.  The wax mold for our rings will be seen on June 22- then fabricated that week.  And I have learned that even a “simple” wedding still takes planning, time, and slightly more money than expected.

I also discovered my former roommate from over a year ago was apparently attempting to claim food stamps under my name- leaving me with a thousand dollar reimbursement to contest. (which I am not concerned about-I have a copy of my lease proving my residence here in THIS county)   I am beginning to seriously consider purchasing a small filing cabinet for our Tyr (Ziu) altar- since all my paperwork regarding “justice”, “injustice”, and anything “government” hath started running over…

I agree with the Christians when their book stated “Give what is Caesar’s unto Caesar.”  Meaning- let all political/government/legal matters be entirely separate from the rest of life whenever possible.  Tyr has been generous with guidance and help on these things, so I have faith Justice will be done.

So, our cake and our wedding will be three-tiered- but nine separate cakes for each realm of Norse.  We have done our best to minimize butt-hurt in this way and we have also learned that dealing with either religious politics or my family politics is exactly like a game of RISK:  By the time you have the board set up properly, you realize you have no desire to actually play the game.

So, I’m not going out of my way to contact extended family except very minimally, the same goes for anyone else estranged on either side, or religiously speaking- if they show up, they will be expected to be on their best behavior lest they be promptly removed by my brother’s friends who would enjoy the privilege.   My brother, sister-in-law, and best friends along with Ed’s family get their “Specialness” with the court wedding…(since there was possibility of offense being taken by not having attendants or a special “family” part some people love so much)…and We still get to have our religious Heathen celebration…

…and hopefully, the medical issues will be resolved in that time as well; one problem will be solved at least- in July, under new insurance, I will get to see my old therapist again who was better trained on my issues- which will very much help minimize any terror at the idea of a large crowd on the 28th.

So- need to hear back from the judge, make hair appointments for the two of us for the first week of July still, buy the Kilt/Highland shirt combo for my man, buy shoes and a slip, figure out where to get a garter and bouquet, and I think that’s about it….other than dollar store streamers to mark our pavilion as “Taken”.

Since so many of our friends are LGBTQ- Ed will be wearing the garter and throwing the bouquet- Bi/pansexuals reading this:  Pick ONE to go for.   The result of who-catches-which could end up anywhere from “typical” to awkwardly hilarious. 🙂

However, after the chaos of being accepted then rejected from location to location- I think the end solution turned out to be the best solution-  all I needed to do was let go and allow my fiancee the confidence to figure out solutions to problems that vexed me.  I’m not used to being with someone equally to more competent than myself:  But if he wasn’t, I wouldn’t be marrying him.

Weddings are usually the dominion of the “woman”-  after years of self analysis, I should have known that if it’s the domain of the “woman” I am likely the least equipped for the task out of anyone to attempt to navigate such waters.

I am willing to pimp Ed out as a wedding planner by the way- he’s remarkably good at creating elegant, clever,  and complex solutions… just pay him for his time.

That is for another post;  when to know when people are taking advantage of you for things they should be paying you for but don’t….