Archive for Truth & Rumors

Respecting our Magical Legacy: Eastern Pennsylvania

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 30, 2015 by Tyrienne
Card from

Card from “The Wild Unknown” tarot deck… (which I only wish I owned…soon?)

One of the many ideas I agree with put forth by Anton LaVey is “Do not deny that which grants you power.”  Today, I attended a large Metaphysical expo in Reading, Pennsylvania and a small event is a inspiration for this post.   I was sitting in on the gallery being held by my very first teacher in metaphysics, when at the end of the presentation my husband “caught” a well-known reader I have known for over 20 years staring at my husband’s tattoo of the sigil of Saint Cyprion- generally considered to be “Dark” by New-Ager standards.   The gentleman, as soon as he was noticed, averted his eyes and looked away quickly, seemingly unnerved. However, in knowing this man as long as I have, I knew he was not unfamiliar with personal spiritual practices which are entirely NOT “New-Ager Approved”.

….What bothered me is this:  the fact that I know this man so well, but yet he did not want to be “caught” in recognizing that tattoo (and likely others) my husband wears even though he, himself has likely utilized many equally “dark” practices in his own life.  (I do not believe in the dichotomy of “light=good”/”dark=bad”.)

Instead of a great opportunity to share, ask questions, and share ideas: he turned away- and it dawned on me that this same action was endemic but in reverse with many well-known spiritualist in our local and national Heathen community of people who see themselves as “born again” into Heathenry… and do not pay enough respect to the people and traditions that brought them the wisdom and skills they apply to their personal religious practice as well as how they present themselves to Heathenry at large.

Heathenry out-in-the-open is new in Pennsylvania in comparison to other “out” pagan/metaphysical traditions in Pennsylvania.  I know this because I was actually around when Der Heidevolkstam, Hawkafel, and other kindreds rose and fell.  I knew ABOUT them, but I did not interact with them when I first became open about my Heathen background.  Instead, I joined the kindred run by a very close friend of mine I had known since I was 15 or 16 and we all decided it was best to not be involved with the larger community.  (My family wasn’t even truly comfortable with the amount I did expose of my family traditions even at that time, and with the exception of Grandma, still feel “cagey” about sharing.)

I was born in Eastern Pennsylvania- and if you look closely at the modern Heathen community in the United States, you will find that many of the most well known of our magical practitioners are either also from this general region if not from New England/other Mid-Atlantic states.  The reason for this, simply from my observation, is the very strong communities both in modern Wicca and/or Witchcraft as well as the prevalence of the New-Age movement in this area which is well-established and worked tirelessly for acceptance.  Just in the city of Reading alone, there is a plethora of shops where to buy candles, sage, Florida water, and other necessities.  (I personally prefer visiting the shop Celtic Myth and Moonlight and Bodega’s for such things locally- living in Spain for a semester helped immensely with the latter!)

Not to say that people who do not claim to have any spiritual gifts are any less gifted/necessary/important to the community- they are.  However, one problem I have never yet addressed is the lineage of teachings from which many of us truly owe our reputations, wisdom, and insights.

I’ll begin: I was raised on the Main Line for my elementary years; a block away one of the greatest witches I know had two children about my age and she and I enjoyed a pleasant relationship.  I lived in the same house as my Latvian grandma, and my Pennsylania Dutch grandparents were only five minutes away.  My mother was abusive, however, my neighbors were kind and my family was close enough nearby that I was fairly safe from being killed, except for being pushed down a staircase and a few times where my father would pull my mother off of my young body as she tried to choke me….but then, thankfully, would send me to Nana’s to recover.  My great-grandparents were also still alive- my Nana’s mother was a bit of a Braucher, and I enjoyed nearly monthly visits to see my extended family in Mount Penn, near Reading Pa.  It wasn’t ideal, but looking back- I was so incredibly fortunate to have that time of relative safety.  I was intuitive because I had to be; I read my mother’s Llewellyn books for protection (but often got punished for that as well)…and my grandma’s Latvian friends had taught me how to read cards, how to read the shaped of molten metal poured into cold water every New Year’s eve, as well as countless folktales about Latvia and the “Old Religion”.   We went to Lutheran churches, however, at home- the house I was raised in was a convoluted mess of strange traditions/customs, medicinal plants, candles, and what I was convinced was a haunted attic that terrified the shit out of me.

I was twelve years old when we moved, and the abuse increased…however, I was then “old enough” (according to my father) that I could “survive my mother”.

Again, I was fortunate… one of my neighbors, Linda,  was a New-Ager and she looked after me a great deal and allowed me to tag along to my very first experience of a  New Age Faire run by Rosemarie Moyer.  From the Latvian side of my family, I has learned how to read playing cards in a wheel pattern, so for fun, I was allowed to set up a small table.  From that table of only charging somewhere around the insane sum of somewhere between $5-$10 a reading, I gained the attention of the coordinator of the fair and the owner of the land: Rose.  Rose honestly took me under her wing- taught me the tarot and lent me countless books throughout my teenage years in addition to allowing me to come with her to almost every fair she attended and Rose was even able to talk my mother into submission at times.   I was a novelty: I read in faires from Rockville to Reading, Pa and I even developed close friendships that exist to this day among most of the other vendors….and learned about Bey’s rock shop, which I suppose I could call “The Vatican of all Rock Shops”.   If you ever bought a crystal or unusual stone from any Metaphysical type store- it either came from Bey’s or was ordered online.

From Linda’s best friend (also named Linda), I learned some Reiki before she passed on.  At each faire, I had no shortage of people to learn all sorts of interesting things from Geology (I always loved rocks- my mom couldn’t break them!) to every kind of divination one can imagine- I loved to barter the most of all!   I read card professionally from age 12 to about age 16, even going so far as to get certified by the American Tarot association (likely long expired) and procuring a cheap business license to allow me to read in even more places.  Despite the fact I did not drive, I either found rides from other local vendors, and later, from friends who were exploring Wicca.

In my late teens, I joined the AmeriCorps Vista program and was assigned to work for the Cherokee Heritage center in Tahlequah, OK.  I have been accused by native’s of “the ‘Quah'” That I tend to idealize this town more than it’s fair share…. however, in this place I was surrounded by so many differing forms of metaphysical spirituality, both Native American as well as any other type imaginable, that my six months in that town solidified the importance of the metaphysical as a necessary and fundamental part of my life, so much so, that to ignore it is actually harmful to my mental health.  Even those who claimed “not to be into all that woo-woo stuff”- were still more magical than “muggle” . (Thank you, J.k. Rowling, before you- the terminology for those who were non-intuitive was far more derogatory!)

In my twenties, I leveraged my reputation as an established member of the metaphysical community to score a job working in a “Witch Store” in New Hope, Pennsylvania- the spiritual nexus of Wicca for Eastern Pennsylvania work- while spending as much time as I possibly could learning as much as Ed and Eric down at Mystical Tymes a few doors down from where I worked.  I still converse with Eric frequently and endevour to make the long, complicated trek at least once a year from Reading to New Hope still.  There is no better source for homemade incense blends I can recommend commercially- in addition to them having every known sort of pendant for every kind of pagan religious practice without any form of discrimination.

The terms “light” and “dark” lost their biased meanings to me somewhere between Oklahoma and New Hope- I learned that some of the foulest people claim to perform acts “only in the name of light”- while some of the most thoughtful and caring claim to be “dark magicians”.   Truly, I do not believe anyone can be fully rounded as a sensitive without a basic understanding that both selflessness (typically seen as a “light” trait) can lead to martyrdom and “pity me” syndrome- the self-interest and introspection that is considered the foundation of the “dark” side of metaphysics is necessary to retain balance.

For a few years in my 20’s, like many others… attempted to be “normal”.  I blocked out almost everyone except for a select few people.  I was in a neglectful relationship at best and my contact with the “magic” world was minimal as I worked in dead-end retail jobs and I intentionally blocked out the synaestesia that helped me survive my abusive childhood.   Magic was my refuge from abuse-  by being able to help others with their problems and relying on my own intuition in that helping, I was distracted from my own troubles in my teenage life enough to function rather normally.  The times in my life I have strived for “typical” normalcy (i.e. financial success, material possessions, or base achievements) are the very same times in my life that I have been at my very lowest mental-health wise as well.
I felt like the fire in my heart had gone out from the difficulty of living on my own without a true safety net-  I had random roommates I met on Craigslist, and I struggled often to make ends meet by holding down up to three jobs at a time concurrently.  A “main” job in retail as well as  delivering pizzas- then a 2 week bartending class allowed for me to become a bartender as well.  Bartending brought back a small amount of spirituality to my life seeing my clientele at the VFW and local bars I tended were mostly veterans. At this time, I also discovered that Heathenry existed outside of my family and I became the Gythia of a small kindred in Pennsylvania- this was before I knew of the existence of any “national” organizations, prior to me meeting any Heathen leaders or any such thing.  The kindred was (and still is) self-sufficient as much as we are able to be.

At age 27, after a few years of living my life on emotional autopilot, I met a young man online, fell in love and moved in with him to Canada.  He and his family were UUC’s- a very liberal branch of Christianity that was rather Gnostic and very metaphysical in their beliefs- although the relationship failed, through the difficulties presented in a new country and adapting to the difficulty of living with and loving someone who relied on his spirituality so strongly but at the same time was so incredibly difficult to live with on account of his newly-diagnosed DID (multiple personalities).

I found myself forced to acknowledge everything I had ever learned spiritually to survive the experience…. including the synaestesia which I believes was “seeing auras”, was actually sound-based crossing of the senses.  I was tested by a Canadian doctor and my ability to see weird colors (which I blocked out out of fear of my family history of schizophrenia) was actually a very important tool that I simply attempted to “throw away” which allowed for me to not only survive my childhood, but thrive as a member of several communities when I was younger.  With my synaestesia, my inabilities to understand normal human interactions were more than compensated for with colors, and with those colors, I could perceive healthy from unhealthy situations to an extent which I could not when I intentionally ignored that trait.

I also suffered from a great deal of resentment, I was unable to attend University of Colorado (on full scholarship) at the age of 20 on account of my parents falsely claiming me on my taxes… which in the eyes of FAFSA, voided my legal emancipation at age 17- and brought my parent’s income into account.

When I was in the process of leaving Canada I was already 27 years of age (beyond the point where my parent’s income was a factor), my ex made me promise him I would at least TRY to attend the best college I could find for religious studies and apply to become a multi-faith chaplain.   I felt strongly this was the correct course of action, and there was only one school outside of Harvard that I knew of that held such a lofty reputation….which just so happened to be BACK in Eastern Pennsylvania, yet again: Moravian College.  The third oldest university in the USA as well as attached to a seminary with an exceptional reputation.   I promised myself I would breeze through undergraduate studies without any thought to the present and focus entirely on my goal of reaching graduate school.

I was surprised I was accepted, and with my acceptance to this (at the time rather selective) school, I found myself recovering from a traumatic break-up of a relationship and back in the abusive relationship I left prior.  At the same time I began my time at Moravian it was the same time Moravian was “trying out” a new professor: a self-proclaimed Sufi of the Khorasani school of Iran who also was suffering from the same form of PTSD I was.  We became close- from him, I developed a strong renewed interest in the works of Molavi (Rumi) as well as Muhammad Iqbal.   I became at odds with my kindred as I was rather diverted from my initial intentions of becoming “legally official” clergy into somehow now finding myself in diplomacy and language training in hopes that the Iranian Green Revolution would be successful and I imagined myself as playing a minor (but delusionally optimistic) role in helping to heal the rift between the USA and Iran.

Bethlehem, Pa is yet another stronghold for the pagan community-  I spent some time away from the Heathen community for two or three years and believed it held “nothing more” for me at that time. I became deeply involved with the local Baha’i, attended all open ceremony held by the Cabot-Butler tradition which dominated the town, and even found a niche with a very random group of Discordian chaos magicians who were only “passingly friendly” with one another.   Further, I spent some time devoting my energies to the Unitarian Church of Bethlehem, and following that, just as much time in the local Mosque and studying the esoteric aspects of the Qu’ran for my thesis on the connection between the Physics of Time Theory and the perception of Time as seen by Sufi mystics- which were eerily similar to me.

In a way, in college, I was a bit of a Heirophant (hence the card at the top)… I learned overwhelming amounts of knowledge in seemingly infinite directions.  Living in Bethlehem allowed me to reconnect with the New-Age movement friends I had been out of touch with since the MUM Expo was in nearby Allentown where I shared a table with other vendors in my teenage years (but did not return to reading professionally), I had a positive reputation among the local Wiccans/Witches on account of my time in New Hope, and everything else was just a sea of endless information- in which, frankly, I was drowning by my inability to recognize boundaries and respect my own emotional, spiritual, and intellectual limitations.  Through this, I ended up plagarized in college and deeply abused from my lack of center and mistaken focus on the goal of achievement for achievement’s sake- however, I also ended up secretly homeless my last year of college and lived mostly off of charity from lack of funds outside of my increasing student loan debt.  However, I did manage to graduate cum laude with two degrees and a published thesis: World Religions (with a concentration in Islamic studies), and Philosophy- under which I wrote my thesis on the relation between mystical experience and time theory as posited by quantum mechanics.  Despite all my work on Iranian Diplomacy (and classes taken outside of Moravian on the subject). I only ended up with a minor in “International Studies”- despite the fact that the majority of my work in college seemed to be focused in that direction above and beyond my two earned degrees.

To put it simply:  I drove myself into insanity with all of this.   I desired too much.  I became a perfectionist to the point of emotional overload and for the life of me could not meet a single deadline.   My other professors were overwhelmingly forgiving, and I graduated with two degrees, cum laude, honors, and all sorts of other (mostly meaningless) academic accolades.  I was accepted into an intensive language program with the University of Maryland for Farsi, but mentally/emotionally?  I deteriorated.

With the sacking of the Canadian embassy after the failure of the Green revolution, the program which accepted me lost funding, closed, shortly thereafter, I was arrested and interrogated for 5 hours without any cause given- forced to perform demeaning physical exorcises for over 5 hours as I was insulted and threatened- and denied legal council.

Some friends of mine at the time encouraged in the months preceding to spend time back in Heathenry- and it was through the help of one of the main clergy of the AFA that I sought help at Horsham clinic- entirely broken emotionally, and religiously spent.   Thanks to the Heathen community, (coming full circle), I was able to re-integrate into Heathenry…and also, because of Heathenry, ending up in the clinic for that last time was what was able to get me into SSDI (disability) for my out-of-control flashbacks and C-PTSD nightmares which would have likely ended me in suicide without extensive psychological help and later, medical help when it turned out part of the severity of my mental illness was complicated with a serious heart condition which went unnoticed for years until AFTER I was on SSDI.  (…as of this moment,  I have been accepted into a local program which gives me some hope of being able to contribute more than the occasional blog post or random appearance at events with the help of more appropriate therapies for my conditions and live a life OFF of disability in a few years after much healing.)

Through my college blog which detailed my religious and emotional difficulties, I attracted the attention of my now-husband through Heathenry….and with him, we joined both national organizations.  One of which I burned bridges with for their disrespect for some of the Gods my biological family worshiped (Loki and Hel/Holle in particular) and the other (although we do not pay dues) I still respect and attend what events we can.

What I am trying to say by this post is this:   To most of you, I am just “The Lokean”…. I’m some stranger on the internet writing one blog out of thousands on Heathenry.  However, before Heathenry was as open and understood as it is today, family tradition Heathens all over the world found education, support, and help via many other avenues.  The Wiccans/Witches know me, the New-Ager’s know me, the Baha’i know me, as do others- but all in different ways.   Not bad for an agoraphobic- as much as I am buoyed by seeing my friends on occasion in each of these different communities, I also feel rather like a failure for not being mentally able to do “more”.

Heathenry does NOT exist in a vacuum, and those same Goethe’s and Gythias (particularly one’s older than thirty) are ALSO as equally well known in other pagan communities as well. As much as we may put up the facade of “Being 100% Heathen” that is simply untrue- Heathenry may be “home base”, especially for many of us with Northern European or Pa Dietsch backgrounds….but also, many Heathens seem to be ashamed if they came first from explorations into Wicca, Thelemics, New-Age, Unitarians, Baha’i’, Theistic Satanism, or any other metaphysical faith.

Under the umbrella of both or either metaphysics or paganism, the leaders of other communities know well the leaders of our Heathen community, and seem to care more for OUR welfare than we do theirs in many cases. (Not all, of course…. as always, Robert and Michelle do an excellent job in Philadelphia running Pagan Pride!)  Their histories and travels throughout the world of metaphysics is still followed by the communities they abandoned, and it seems to be almost embarrassed about starting out as a “Wiccan” or as a “New Age Psychic Reader”.

The actual leaders of the Wiccans and New-Agers still remember you, though….The longest running Expo being the MUM Expo in Allentown, Pa- by far the largest and most well-known of this region as far as I am aware….and yet, each year I have attended (even though I am no longer a vendor) I do not see any table for Heathenry, but I do try my best when I notice certain tattoos of Valknuts and clearly identifiable runes/Gods to give them contact information to both The Troth as well as the AFA.

Ideally, the point of this post is to maybe give a hand-up and bring forth the suggestion that in every faire, expo, and event of that nature, there SHOULD be a table manned by Heathens who will help shorten the long process of people who either were raised Heathen as I was or have found themselves drawn to our Gods and Runes and do not know of our existence.   I would like to see certain people pay homage to those who came before “open” Heathen worship existed in this region, to admit that they learned from The Witches, Wiccans, New-Agers, Satanists, Unitarians, and/or any other number of metaphysical paths prior to finding their home in Heathenry, and I would like to see the false pedestal dismantled that many Heathens hold our faith upon.

I am personally an archetypalist, I call myself “Heathen” as a designation of my ancestry as well as to the Gods that I feel most comfortable- however, we do everyone a disservice by being ignorant of other spiritual paths while their leaders still follow us, watch us with amusement, and shake their heads at our collective forgetfulness of how very much we owe those who were brave and strong enough to carve this niche in society of legitimacy we now enjoy.

In conclusion, I want to state VERY CLEARLY this DOES NOT apply to ALL OF HEATHENRY.   Those to whom it DOES apply to…. you know who you are- and *I* know who you are because the Witches Eastern Pennsylvania remember you when you were still taking your first steps to who you are today.

Thank your local Pagan/New-Age elders…. sociologically speaking, if you live in Eastern Pennsylvania- they are ALSO your elders in addition to any Heathen person of note. 🙂

(Note: As of this entry, I am equally invested into both the Heathen community as well as the Discordian/Chaos Magic community and try to maintain my positive ties from those I learned from in Witchcraft, New-Age, and other assorted spiritualists.  Hailing Eris goes well with Hailing Loki 😉 )

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***APRIL FOOL’S DAY!****

Posted in About me, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 1, 2014 by Tyrienne
Mr. T

Gotcha!

The creators of “Cards Against Humanity” approved my request to be the author of the new “Official Heathen & Asatru Expansion” soon to be offered for free in .pdf on their website! They want me to submit a total of 200 cards for them to choose the best 50 or 60 from for the new expansion. This set will NOT stand alone from the original game- the original cards will be required for this expansion to “work”. These are the 50 I submitted to them as a sample…but I need to come up with more (I welcome suggestions!):

Black Cards:

1. Hail ______!
2. In apology to the Heathen community for the historical inaccuracies in the “Thor” franchise, Stan Lee has agreed to create a character based on the president of the Asatru Folk Assembly to be played by _____.
3. Kaldera farms will be celebrating _____ with _______!
4. The Troth is _____!
5. Folkish Heathens: We are not racists, We are _______.
6. My Patron God/dess is _______.
7. ______ brought ______ to the Faining.
8. _____ will unite the entire Heathen community at last!
9. The Sumbel will be held entirely in ________.
10. The difference between the Wiccans and the Asatru is ______.
11. My favorite Rune represents _____.
12. This regrettable tattoo of _____ was meant to represent _________.
13. I will never join any National organization since I do not agree to_______.
14. The amount of furries in Heathenry is directly proportional to ________.
15. I was kicked out of the National Heathen Gathering because of ________.
16. I found Asatru in prison via _______.
17. I converted from _______ to this?
18. Viking Death Metal is awesome except for the ______.
19. The latest in Heathen video blogging concerns _______.
20. ______ HAS NO HONOR!
21. ______ Oathed to ______ at Sumbel, do you think they will poison the Well of Wyrd?
22. YOU CAN NOT CALL IT A “BLOT” WITHOUT _______!
23. He died by _____. See you in Valhalla, brother.
24. I read the “Edda’s”, “The Hamaval”, and ______. I know what I am talking about!
25. The Gods have asked me to _____ so I am ________.

White Cards:

1. A murder of ravens….and some wolves.
2. A Kindred named after a house in “Game of Thrones.”
3. A well-armed Odinist with nothing left to lose.
4. Converting to Asatru after watching the show “Vikings.”
5. Giving Tyr a hand.
6. Several Ugly Virgins Claiming to be Godspouses.
7. Lederhosen and Kilts.
8. Two federal agents desperately trying to maintain their cover by Twittering obscenities against “The Man” to each other.
9. Lokeans, Rokkr’s, and Jotunatru.
10. Hanging upside down from a tree and losing your eye in a well….on purpose.
11. It’s 4/20!
12. Reclaiming the Swastika as a holy symbol of our people.
14. Spelling obscenities in the runes of the Elder Futhark.
15. White Pride.
16. Mead distilled from Honey, Psilocybin, Peyote, and Wormwood.
17. Knowing nothing about 1488.
18. A Marveltru mistaking wet dreams for UPG’s.
19. Death by Kub.
20. FUCK YOU-I’M MOVING TO ICELAND!!!!!
21. Licking Hitler’s asshole.
22. Someone desperately trying not to act racist.
23. The Northern Gods.
24. Universalists and Universalism.
25. The difference between Heathens and Asatruar.

Time Theory, Heathenry, and Past Suffering

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2013 by Tyrienne

AA036979Of all the religions I have come into contact with during the course of my studies, to me, Buddhism is the most incomprehensible and at opposition with my beliefs and experience.  Please, don’t take this to mean I hate Buddhists, quite the opposite, I married a Shaolin monk for Christ’s sake- and I have been fortunate enough to meet many excellent Buddhist (or half Buddhists) over the years that have shown me the religion itself may actually be more full of kind, considerate people than any other… my favorite advisor in college was half Buddhist as well, and often, he was the best person to speak to when everything in my life was crashing down around me.  Buddhism is the belief there is no moment except for the present moment- the past is a memory, the future can only be inferred.  By living in the present moment we free ourselves from attachment to both the pains and joys of the past and also of anticipation for the future, striving, instead, to live within the present moment
One of those things that haunts me is my physical knowledge of time theory.  Picture a train, if you will- you are standing in front of one window of that train so you can see within the cabin- because you entire view of the train is limited to just seeing inside one window of the cabin, you can neither see the engine nor the caboose.
However, I want you now to picture a mountain, at the bottom of this mountain is the same train- only now from your vantage point you not only can see the train, but all the tracks, the surrounding countryside, and the entire route of the object from beginning to end.   This is time theory.  The idea that time is not linear, but rather all existent in one plane all at once (the 4th dimension) however, we can only perceive the smallest portion of it due to the lack of our perception.  However, even in the analogy of the train we find that we are dealing with two forms of perception-  Grand (Macro) or vague perception, and small (Micro) or specific perception.  From the top of the mountain, we cannot see within the cabin of the train without limit our perception of the rest of reality with a set of binoculars, nor can we perceive from the base of the mountain at the train station without similar means.

To me, this is why Sufism is such an intellectually accessible religion; in Sufism, instead of a train we have a book- some grand book that encompasses all that ever was and is to be, however, we live page by page and do not get to see this book until, MAYBE, our deaths should we have lived our lives in accordance to certain humane principles and ideals such as honesty, hospitality, charity, prayer, fasting, pilgrimage, etc.   Instead of the “Now” centeredness of Buddhism, in Sufism, we have focus on the future, and that all deeds performed in the present are entirely in preparation for some perhaps unattainable future goal.

Heathenism, surprisingly enough, appears to be unique in lacking a present focus in favor of both past and future- our rituals are focused on the values and accomplishments of our ancestors, where our deeds are meant to sow the seeds for the future- making us rather cross-eyed in the present as an entirety of a people.   This makes perfect sense to me, having PTSD because I feel the affects of the actions of myself and others from the past vividly daily in the form of flashbacks; however, I also strive to live a pure and honorable life in the present- which is actually made easier by being Lokean/Tyrian rather than more difficult because both my nature of being Lokean and my Tyrian ethics keep my circle of people I interact with commonly small either out of fear of me or by my repulsion of them.   I love Heathenry because there is no credo of accepting “everyone” there are people who are not worthy of my time or presence, and also, there are people who receive no benefit from my existence either.   This truth is missing from other world religions- this is not to say to be inhospitable- far from that, however, after introductions are made and the nature of the person is assessed; we are given the choice to either continue to allow them to affect our wyrd or orlogg (which I will spell every imaginable way in this post) or to avoid them.   9 out of 10 times my choice is avoidance- humans lie, they cheat, they abuse others and they do not care about the consequences of their selfishness- they intentionally inflict pain and act with cruelty then justify their actions by claiming to be part of some sub culture or another, or worse, their Godly nature allows for certain breaches.   In my case, the pain and damage I cause is by being a truth-teller…. not exactly the sort of person you want at your parties, and worse, I am a truth teller with a selective memory so that whatever is unimportant falls through like a sieve where the things that “stick” nag at me for months until they are released via this blog into the open so I can remove the metaphorical itching of witnessing the pains caused by others- how they can act in ways I personally find appalling and would never commit myself and yet, people avoid that elephant in the room with our still-puritanical politeness of decades of Christian indoctrination into our American culture.

Until “Hey, you’re an asshole.” is as acceptable now as it was back in some indeterminate ancestral halcyon time we all seem to claim- the Lokean and the Tyrians will continue to be the least desirable among all Heathens to share a horn with- Lokean truth is seen as disruptive- and outside of leadership roles, the judgements of those who follow Tyr come across as overly harsh an insensitive- if not Neanderthalic in black/white reasoning of what constitutes the good and the bad- the line is clear.    (Which should be to be expected considering records of Tyr predate records of Woten by at least 6000 years, according to Wikipedia)  With Tyr, the line is clear- cheating is always “bad”, whereas being initially hospitable to all people upon first meeting them is “good” until they are proven unworthy of it…should they prove unworthy, they are to be avoided until sufficient progress is made on the part of the offending party to make amends; but more often then not- the severing of ties is permanent- for the more you beg, the more pathetic and useless you are viewed so reconciliation cannot be “bought”; but must be proven by inherent worth to the community at large to once again regain favor…if then.   (Anton LeVay and Tyr would have an interesting relationship, for instance- for where their ideologies meet- they meet exactly, but where they differ, there could not be more extreme differences in point of view….worth a different post, perhaps)

So, anyway back to time theory.  So here we have the proof of physicist and philosophers that time is merely an a-priori perception of the mind, that we cannot see more than three pieces of the puzzle called “life” at a time, and those pieces we have labeled our “past, present, and future”.  The Buddhist is to sit on the piece that is “present” and ignore all else; the Sufi is to discard the past, use the present, keep their eyes on the future for a pleasant afterlife (all monotheistic faiths are similar in this regard), and the Heathen falls into the the trap of ignoring the present moment being stuck with one foot in the past and the other focused on the future- lending ourselves to a faith that is overall confused on a National and International level as those who favor the past are called “Folkish” and those who look forwards almost to the exclusion of the past are labeled “Universalists”  However, in both sets of Heathen practice we find that it is commonly believed that our present actions, especially during sumbel/blot/ritual are timeless and can positively affect the luck/wyrd/oorlog of the past and that of our ancestors by how well we live our lives this moment.

If I were to take my troubled mind out of the equation of my life, I lead an exceptionally blessed existence,  I have a handsome and loving husband, I not only do not have to work, but I am not permitted to on account of illness, I am free, I am well provided for, have companionship of good animals and people- and even a few reliable, honorable family members I can relate to.  However, my mental condition consistently traps me in past experiences and hurts me relentlessly- I am not haunted so much by things I did or did not do-thankfully, I live a life with few regrets, however, I am haunted by lack of proper foresight in those past situations that allowed for my life to spin wildly out of control as I could not step out of the way in time of the train bearing down on the tracks.  Metaphorically speaking, I have been hit by several trains-  lesson learned is to stop playing on the tracks- which, for the most part I have.  If “playing on the the tracks” is interacting with unstable people, then after 31 years of experience, I have finally learned to determine that everyone is unstable to a degree and that the only people worth interacting with are the ones who can fully embrace their own madness with honesty-(throw decorum out the window, please.)   The harder we strive to hide our inner chaos and madness, the harder it bears down upon us and those in our lives- to the point at which some people will even sacrifice innocent peoples lives and reputations to maintain their own facades of dignity and faux-decorum.  This is called gas-lighting, and is often employed by narcissists and sociopaths.  Be very, very careful about the person who desires recognition, fame, money, or achievement- often, that is indicative of a sickness that can drown and maim even the strongest of men around them; in the pursuit of such meaningless accomplishments or feats- integrity and honor often fall by the wayside as other needs are not met and vices are procured to fulfill the inner emptyness that a life set on these things creates.  The vacuum of loss of friends as time is devoted to putting resources together to appear more impressive in exchange for false friends who only serve to boost the ego- making those who speak of moderation into the enemy.   I abhor the person who seeks grandeur for its own sake- but love the quietness of the footsteps of the person who achieves notoriety for doing good deeds for their own sake without any desire for recognition.

I write a great deal, I think, but I don’t make money off of this blog-  I do it as part of an oath I made with Tyr and by extension Loki to prove that Loki and Lokeans are human beings, not to be categorized and dismissed out of hand- just as Loki is not to be dismissed out of hand. In this journal I have shared and will continue to share my personal experiences publicly- I have nothing to hide.  I will show my prejudices- my strengths, and my short comings- but as time passes, my “public” experience of the community becomes less as I draw my shades and focus more exclusively my own life and that of my husband.  When I began this blog, I was very much “in” the community and a consistent attender of events all over- but now, I am much more content to stay home more days often than not and enjoy the company of my new husband.  Some places have rejected us, other places we have rejected- and honestly- it’s about 50/50 as to which is which- even still, we have more invitations than we expect between the two of us, and I have more reception to this blog than I anticipated.  However, Tyr never gave me a timeline here so I have no idea if this is a “forever” thing or if one day I get to ditch this format in favor of a new chapter with a different URL where I just get to go back to simple, personal journalism once more…where I am not intentionally putting the gross details of my life out there for everyone to see.

So, anyway- the solution I have found to my present dilemma came from therapy, I am involved in something called EMDR where I am supposed to remove the emotions from the negative memories and be able to contain them away from my psyche- the only possible way this can be accomplished for me (and apparently, for most with my condition) is to focus on the living conditions of the present moment rather than the traumatic episodes of the past.   In my case, I spend a great deal of time focusing on the time I get to share with Eddie.  From the view of time theory, and from Heathenry, the reason why my life is so good at this present moment is BECAUSE I have already paid the price for it with my past.   Ed found me through another journal I used to write, and without writing we would not have our marriage.  Without keeping record online of everything I have experienced from my life in Spain to College to my poetry- I would have no record of my past except for negative memories.  However, if I take a more Buddhist approach and focus entirely on the ethic of the present moment, then I realize the need for productiveness and the sharing of my personal revelations.

Without writing, I would feel much more guilty about having such an easy life now-  I would feel more lonely, and I would feel purposeless.  If not a single person reads this blog but my husband- I am fine with that.   However, since I know that is not the case let me tie all the loose ends together into a format that makes this coherent to the rest of those who read my rambling thoughts…

PTSD- (Tyr is likely the God most accustomed to it outside the Rokkr), forces one to live in the past-  however, the past is not detached from the present or future.  The “present” is simply a term for the point of view or perspective we hold on our lives at the present moment, or what “eyes” we use to view our lives-  are we viewing remotely or intimately?  Do we look at the greater picture or the minute details of our daily experiences, (if we pay attention to our daily experiences at all…?)

The view from the mountain is lovely, but we miss detail- and although the details of the train are captivating, if we are standing on the tracks to look in the window of one train, anticipating boarding it, we risk being run down by another on a faster track if we do not watch where we place our feet.

The solution is mindfulness- the ability to live, right now, and in the present- to not focus on anticipation or to dwell in regrets OR past glory.   If life is good RIGHT NOW- then it is fair to say you earned the right to that goodness.   If your life RIGHT NOW is chaos, then it is fair to say that you have been negligent and the sum of that negligence is insecurity.   When I look at the times of my life when things were at their worst, it has meant one of two things:

1. This is only a test- make it through this and things will get better.
2. I have ignored all the warning signs and gone “my own way” despite the advice of those wiser than I, leading me into untenable situations…. to get out, I need to extract myself carefully, live ethically, and all will be okay in the eventual future.

Whether or not I am “Okay” at this time is dependent on my state of mind; always, I am materialistically okay; but I have been homeless, lived in an unfinished concrete and drywall room with nothing more than a spare lightbulb- or by the charity of strangers for food and the roof over my head.   I got through those times by a great deal of prayer, sacrifice (including my entire altar to a lake at one point- 15 years of my life- given to four cardinal directions of water)  It took patience, it took waiting. suffering, and asking for help, even when asking for help meant becoming estranged from those I cared for (who, I had to accept, were NOT helping).  It was a matter of putting aside my pride and TALKING both in writing and out loud about what was happening and had happened…. realizing that as long as I use my voice, as long as there is a record of my thoughts and my writings, then it’s a lot easier to clear up misunderstandings, and MUCH harder for people to lie about who I am and where I stand for their own personal gain.

Writing in journals like this has saved my life, my degrees, and my reputation in some regards- everything I write is honest to the best of my perceptions, and keeping records of what I have thought, said, and believed shows a progression.  No one person is supposed to stay stagnant, and, ideally, my favorite people are the ones who admit to striving to learn something new, experience something new, or do something to further their intellectual and spiritual growth daily- even if it just means watching a movie they have never seen before on Netflix or taking a new way home from work.

Time theory at one time lead me to an institution for 10 days, because my life was so fucked up I couldn’t understand why and how if there is no “reality of serial time” that I could suffer so miserably at that moment.   I suffered because either I was either not living in the present and mourning the past too acutely, or that I could not see the larger picture that time had to offer- the Heathen way- that perhaps I brought it on myself by not being as Tyrian (honest) as I should have been, and in lying to save another person, I had ruined my own Wyrd for that moment.

My life improved when I stopped trying so hard to protect a man not worth my protection, by bringing Tyr’s influence back into my life into a place of prominence where I could once again claim with honesty I was no liar.  It involved a great deal of pain; and still, my honesty causes me loss of friends- however, I have lived the other way. I have lied for who I thought was a friend and almost lost my literal life over it….by placing the needs of a narcissist above my own without the consciousness of realizing I was doing so.  I was told by Loki to protect my professor, and I did.  I saved his life by speaking up and preventing him from being assassinated in Turkey.  My responsibility was not to lie for him to cover up why he was not properly doing his job, nor was it to lie to make him appear better than me and disgracing myself in favor of his reputation when he was the one who was behind on our joint work, not I.

Should I have listened to my inner instincts, I would have known lying at all is never the correct solution to anything at all- and even with the best of intentions, one lie can damage the Wyrd severely.

Kant was wrong in that regard, bad actions with good intentions still lead to ultimately negative outcomes.  Furthermore, there is no such thing as a negative intention- there is reactionary intentions, sure.  But few set out intentionally to cause harm without reason or purpose.  With that being said, if the action is good, the result will likely follow to be good as well.

Be productive
Be Honest
Live in the present
See life from both the micro and macro perspectives
Be frithful
and be grateful and happy for what you have been blessed with.

…and if you can’t bear to raise the horn to Loki- raise it to Woten.  Loki gets some of that honor anyway.
…and if you cannot raise the horn to Tyr in good conscious, realize you fucked up massively in life and need to do some serious self assessment.
🙂

Hail!

On Racism, Neo-Nazism, and Everything that Bunches your Panties!

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2013 by Tyrienne
I'm an equal opportunity hater.

I’m an equal opportunity hater.

Wow, that reaction to the last post was fast.   I was in the shower and it came to me “Great post, I’m proud of you- Now you need to quickly bury it with another on that other people want to hear about.”

Thanks, Loki.

So, this might come as a surprise to some of you, but did you know that each and every single member of the human race comes with a unique background, experiences, upbringing, education level, interests, and biases?  It is true!  Not only that, but most human beings HATE being classified into neat little boxes and discarded because they hold a point of view that is unpopular that thereby renders everything else they have to offer to the community as null and void!

So, the great, big topic in Heathenry these days is racism and the influence of the neo-nazi movement on our religion at large.  There are two sides to this great debate-  the “Folkish ‘ We’re not racists, we just hate black people'”  side, and the Universalist “Love everyone! Except for Nazi’s,  Or Else we’ll hate you!” side.

Hmmm.   Hard choice, there.   I would like to relay to you a prejudice that I have before I answer the question:

I DESPISE faux-blonde soccer moms in SUV’s.  I absolutely hate them.  Everytime I see one on the road, my blood boils- from their loud Ke$ha or KidsBOP music, to their screaming spawnlings in the back seats, to their inability to park in just one space.  I hate seeing them spend 20 minutes fondling their purses as I wait for a parking space at the China Buffet.  Bitch, I wear my keys on my belt with a climbing clip….if your purse is deep enough to fear purse coyotes sucking you into the depths of your Louis Vuitton special edition whore’s purse snatch syndicated bag ;  I will not only join organizations against your kind, but I will burn effigies of Life-size LaBoutin heels on your lawn until you move you and your hell-spawn back to some urban area where I never have to deal with the likes of your people again.

An older blonde. Purse Coyotes. I would pay to genetically engineer an army of them.

So, anyway, racists.   No.  I am not a racist.  I find the entire idea of race delightfully amusing in the “Aryan” community being a former student of Persian studies knowing that “Aryan” is a cognate of “Iranian” and “Caucasian” comes from the word “Caucus” referring to the mountain range which divides Turkey from Persia (aka Iran).

As in my last post there are people in this world I cannot stand- the above examples as well as the one in the previous post being on a list.  HOWEVER…this is how I actually feel.

I don’t care who you are friends with,  if you are friends with me, you can be sucking Hitler’s dick as long as you don’t expect me to do likewise.   Same thing goes for if you are friends with an Oathbreaker or a tiny blonde woman in a SUV.  If I am friends with you, I have no doubt made my stance on the matter clear-  I choose neither “Side”, but take each person as an individual to determine if they are worthy of my time. (Groupthink is bad, people…look it up). Your friends are not my friends.  You are my friend…unless I meet your friend and get to assess them with my personal judgement skills I have no right to judge them…. and even if you ARE friends with someone I dislike- guess what?

I DO NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK.

(again…friends with you, don’t care who you have lightsaber wars with your cock with)

Furthermore, the movement to annex the “Neo-Nazi’s” out of the community is a terrible idea considering that from an outsider’s perspective, the words of a Neo-Nazi Heathen are no less and no more viable than a non Neo-Nazi.

What I propose is this- if you want to make a difference in how people see the world…. TALK To THEM…but not with the express purpose of changing them, since that in underhanded and dishonorable.   The best way to deal with racism is to have an open dialogue about it.  If racist and non-racist mix, who knows?  Maybe we can all find something to hate together… like the war in the Middle East which has been eating all our resources in the US, or tiny little blonde women in great big SUV’s.

I have friends on both sides of this fence which would make both sides blanch in indignation.  “How COULD you?!”  I would be asked.  Easy… they run one hell of a sumbel/make awesome potpie/come out with interesting newsletters.

The key to unity and harmony is moving the focus AWAY from racism altogether and finding common ground- the more you focus on any difference, the more that difference shines and detracts away from any hope of reconciliation.

Politically, I belong to “The Troth”.  However, I have friends, good friends, who do not agree with “The Troth’s” stances on many issues…. and that is okay.

With that being said.  If anyone is interested in (metaphorically) burning down a Sephora store in a upscale shopping center (or even just zombie-flashmobbing one) let me know.

As for Loki- let it be also known that my Patron God has never singled out any group for hatred or spite- but instead has been both an equal opportunity lover and hater.

😉

Shedding Skin

Posted in Justice, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2013 by Tyrienne

I have learned many things in my 31 years on this Earth; the number 1 lesson is “No one likes the unvarnished Truth.”

The truth is, I’m likely more intelligent and articulate than most of you, truth is, I am more often right than when I am wrong- and when I am wrong I am honestly surprised and the first to apologize.  However, were I a concert violinist, no one would find it amiss if I were to state I am likely a better musician than you- however; should the topic change to thought processes, creativity, and pure reasoning power- well, there is a reason I have been plagiarized, feared, and harmed.   I can hold up a mirror and for my flaws in my memory, I can remember certain important facts that people do not want publicized.  In Green Lantern, even Synestro is known as a truth-teller and he’s the greatest enemy in the franchise (or at least the best known).  Like a snake, I am bored and I am listless…I itch as if I have skin I wish to shed….so I am going to do so in this post:

Fact #1.  I know locally famous “magician” who claims to work with light, but in fact was the same magician who introduced my husband and I to ancient Sumerian deities personally- and works with questionably “dark” sources without giving them their due.   Look, the whole light/dark dichotomy is an illusion in the first place- but to demonize both my husband and I for what is barely secret does nothing more than give Ed and I a sort of allure and Je ne sais quoi that makes us appear more exotic and desirable to get to know.  It’s backfiring; now we have people thinking we a couple of warlocks and more people want to meet us rather than less.  Baphomet and Lilith say “Hello ungrateful wretch,” by the by.

Fact #2.  I know a person who claims to be a College professor of Philosophy in a local technical institute who he himself has never set foot into a college for his own education….not only that, has disparaged my own education and does not even know the very foundations in Greek and Asian philosophy.  I would surprised if he could explain the analogy of “Plato’s Cave” without getting lost in the shadows, so to speak… and yet, he considers himself a great teacher and wonders why people blew off his classes.  Fact.  My husband also got him the job because he FAILED the personality test, then stole dozens of hours of Kung Fu lessons from my husband without compensation or fair exchange.  That is the fault of my husband; who was naive enough to allow it to happen.  Get with me; less naive, then the status quo changes.   Enjoy modifying your teaching style to your flavor of the week of people immensely more successful than you dyslexic, insecure, vitriolic fool.   If Yoga and macrobiotics are so good for you; please do, then, explain how your hairline continues to recede.  Unless you have compensated for that as well by explaining it gives your “Third eye more room to breathe.”

Fact #3.  Anti-Lokeans with no sense of humour.  My facebook audience is comprised of friends…and once it was friends and you.   So, we have a priestess and her oaf of a husband who have more reputation behind spreading rumors than they do for any positive influence they have contributed to the community.  Nice.  Enjoy holding fainings in bowl-o-rama’s and Starbucks’- Oh, wait, I forgot- nothing remotely Heathen is discussed at such events, but rather, it would be better served to be renamed the “Berks’c County Science Fiction Appreciation Society.”

Also-  A kindred with three people is a “Triad” not a “Kindred”.  Ed has debated appearing at one of your events for “old time’s sake” to see how you would all react to the “Great Necromancer” you have built him up to be- however, time is scarce when he is home as it is.

When I first moved to Reading I found my life to be entirely different- ignorance was bliss I suppose.  I didn’t lack for activity (we also had two cars then).  First after dealing from the backlash of the Dishonorable Oathbreaking Whore who shared her home with my husband and was upset I ruined her delusional plans to leave her husband for Ed.  Question:  If you want to leave your husband, why not leave him FIRST then pursue other men?   This is also a GREAT question for the other Oathbreaking whore I know.

Fact #4  I don’t like Oathbreakers.  At all.   I have had to single handedly combat the false stereotype of Lokeans everywhere being considered Oathbreakers by nature.  Loki is no Oathbreaker, I believe you have Him confused with Odin.  Where now there is a psuedo-academic running around on her new husband, making a huge show of it to the point where it is obvious to anyone with eyes, and I am told *I* should reach out to reconcile with the very thing that I myself am Oathed to combat?  Sweetheart,  being a Lokean doesn’t give your carte blanch to be a liar, nor a whore.   If you want to be a whore, Great!  I have no problem with whores, but don’t lie about it- release your husband from his contract made in bad faith, unpoison your well of Wyrd, and live polyamourously.   I don’t care how many papers you write, or how many events you create.

Oathbreaker, Oathbreaker, Oathbreaker.

I call you out and your community knows you.  Your husband is a hero and you are a little child pretending to be a woman pretending to be a edgy eternal collegiate whore.  I do not absolve you of your lies to me.  You did not break your oath by “Falling in love” with another man.  You broke your marriage vows by revolving your life around a man who is not your spouse.  Your kinsmen is little better for not confronting you directly as he oathed to US, but instead began the rumor mill surrounding you.   Keep proving to yourself you are clever enough to be a Lokean, but I don’t see it.
In fact, you are DIRECTLY IN MY WAY OF FULFILLING MY OATH TO IMPROVE LOKI’S REPUTATION AND THE REPUTATION OF THOSE WHO WORSHIP HIM, (Therefore, I have a right to be a little pissed off.)

So, anyway, back to Reading.  This place is a cesspool of twisted fucks, backstabbers, and pretentious fools with more money than sense- especially in Wyomissing.   I want change, but I am stuck here for an entire year more.  I have dipped my toes into the pool of other communities, but time constrains me, as does lack of transport as well as attempting to live without marijuana as a promise to my spouse until it is legalized, sadly, most communities that interest me are woven together with hemp threads which forces me to be more wary than I would like.

Do you want to know my flaws?  Read my blog, I have listed them repeatedly-  I am a judgemental Tyrian with severe anxiety disorders seeking treatment.  I worry too much, I think more than I should and I trap myself in my own mind more often than I like.  But I am no liar, no Oathbreaker, nor am I twisted, hidden, or grossly attempting to hide my shame behind false legitimacy.

I seek help when I need it, and I admit when I’m wrong.  But after 31 years- let’s expedite this process a bit.  Instead of waiting a few years for the issues to have evaporated before you come before me with your hearts in your hands and your apologies, I challenge you to do it now- while things are still fresh, and I will take the parts pertaining to you down.

Little Lokeans, watch and learn.  THIS is flyting, and this is how to be a true Lokean.  Not by being deceptive, but by being the firelight before the mirror that exposes the weak to their own selves to where they cannot close their eyes and look away.

You know who you are.  I am bored, what better reason is there than that to stir things up a bit?  Also, I am in desperate search for a LEGITIMATE, kind Yoga studio, not in a gym, that does not charge an arm and a a leg for at least 3+ sessions per week.  If you are aware of one in Berks county, please advertize in the comments below.  There is no reason why yoga outside of this area goes for $60 a month and under- but here it averages to around $100 for the privilege of existing in this shitpit called Reading, Pa.

🙂

Attunement

Posted in About me, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , on August 14, 2013 by Tyrienne

Laura began the attunement, and I was to call in my guides.  AA036979

I closed my eyes, my feet on the floor and I grounded myself to the Earth, entering into a trance-state.  There He stood, that same red hair and black coat- those green-beyond green eyes… and He took me into His arms and asked me not to be afraid “Hey, you are really going to like this!”  He reassured me.  Before the experience went further, I asked him about the whole God-spouse thing everyone had been talking about-  and he simply laughed and teased me gently. “What, is one man not enough for you?!”  I knew from his tone he knew I wanted nothing of the sort from Him.  He then indicated, with His arms around me “It happens: Now.”

Black fog like smoke filled my vision completely blanking out the vision entirely until all I saw was solid blackness….then from that blackness, I saw a fire- blue, violet…then all colors- and as the fire grew it consumed the darkness until it seemed I was looking at a cloudless blue sky on the brightest summer day imaginable.

Another voice came to me, and a memory:  “Do you remember, Ren, that every yoga class you were told to dedicate your practice to someone other than yourself?  Do you remember who you dedicated it to?”

I assented, Yes, I remembered.  A former friend of my husbands who no matter what I did, it was always wrong…and I blamed myself for the deterioration of their friendship still.

“There is nothing to blame you for, Ren…. you Gave all you could- and he wanted more.  This is energy work, you did no wrong; in fact you did RIGHT.”

…and I felt at peace, like something inside of me released.  Earlier in the day, I was in class and we were looking up the meanings of animals- and a fly was landing on me-  Fly meant, according to the book my friend Wray possessed that I was holding onto past issues that needed to be released.  I am still upset over my cat (after everything in my life, I get upset about a cat and a somebody who was a jerk to me once….typical.)

But I never realized I was holding onto that particular issue still.  The other meditation, we were to meet our guides…. before us was a pine forest with ancient trees thick as sequoias. Barefoot, I walked a path cushioned by pine needles, leaves and moss-  I could hear a familiar chuffing noise from the branches to my side….and from the left side came my giant Red elk…his muscles clearly define as he touched his forehead to my own and allowed me to reach my fingers into his thick fur- he walked beside me a while…until we were interrupted as we sat in a green meadow.  A crow landed on his antlers and called to me.. “We’ll wait”, they indicated.  When we resumed- I was taken back through the woods- It looked like the same path but it ended up at an entirely different place than where I began.  I plateau-  or rather, an old cliff I used to sit upon overlooking a river near where I used to live in Easton.  On this, there was a seat for me- beside me the Elk gracefully layed and the crow perched on my shoulders to play with my earrings.

Before me was every student I had every taught, people I had yet to teach- and the weight of responsibility…. I felt confused and distressed.  Who am I to teach anyone?  I’m a nut job on SSD;  Who wants to read what I write?  Why do I have to write a book?  Why are people asking me for advice?

I was confused because on one hand, ego is bad for the soul- on the other, how can one be trusted with so many people?  There are plenty of people who hate me, sure- but I don’t usually care enough to notice.  But what about the people who respect me?  Am I doing enough?  Am I guiding them correctly?  Where do I have any authority whatsoever to be anything at all?

On this seat, I felt older, with the power and responsibility of a queen on a throne- each person who had guided me for good or for ill along the way, a piece of the throne itself- placed their by their own hands- making me who I am, who I was, and who I am going to be.  Reminding me I am never alone, I can only do what I feel is best with what resources I have available to me at any given time.

….and that is, apparently, enough.

Aaaaand….that was it.  I was brought out and I was attuned for Reiki II, over a decade after my last teacher passed away only a month after she told me and her daughter that she was “Given the choice to stay here or to leave, but she chose to stay for her children.”

Then I remembered, sometimes, things only look like choices.  Things are what they are.  She passed away in a house fire- and only her eldest daughter escaped.

You can listen to me, but you do not have to follow me- and I would never ask anyone to do so.

You can ask my advice, but you are never beholden to take it if you choose otherwise.

I can teach you what I know, but only if you understand that not even the Norse know everything….and I know even less.

I will not force you into anything unless you put me into a situation where I would violate any Oath I have made, then I will do what is necessary to keep my honor intact.

I am not beholden to be anyone’s friend, nor am I beholden to be any person’s enemy.  You can love me or hate me- that does not mean you are entitled to my energy in return if I do not wish it.

…and overall, I will do what I feel is right, what I feel will lead me to happiness.  I have no other goals other than to live to be free to pursue my happiness, secure the happiness of my spouse, and to live honorably, personally, regardless of however many rumours or lies may fly around regarding me.

I am me.  That is enough…because that is all I have to give to the world.

I cannot be more or less than who I am at this moment to anyone.

Three Tiers: Wedding plans

Posted in About me, Justice, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2013 by Tyrienne

Adriaen van Utrecht | Vanitas Still-Life with a Bouquet and a Skull

Warning: This blog post is likely longer and more boring than most I have written up until this point.  Real life often is.

After what felt like an hour of scrubbing, I have almost removed all that remains of the surgical tape that attached a heart monitor to me for 24 hours.  Man, that sucked-  however, I get to “enjoy” this ritual all over again tomorrow after my stress test on the treadmill.  More tape, more monitors….followed by my very first appointment with a real internist in several years where I get to drop a lifetime of medical history and subsequent legal paperwork on the poor soul to fill out on the first day I ever lay eyes on him.  La-de-da.

These are the hoops to jump through to get a single pill/surgery/whatever that will get my pulse from that of a hummingbird to a human…and yet, blood pressure remains corpse-like.   It’s been awkward; I have several specialists, but have not had an official “doctor” coordinating everything like most people in years.  So, instead of sending all the results in advance-I thought it would be wise to meet with the man first before he receives an onslaught of results from dozens of tests from all over Pennsylvania from every known type of specialist.

I have not met him, but I sincerely hope he is nice, intelligent, and has a sense of humour.   I was told he does have experience with cases like me-  however, most cases “like me” don’t usually have one day every few weeks of unusual competence nor steady spousal support resulting in remaining “on top” of the pile of endless tests, justifications, and prescriptions required to keep further deterioration at a minimum.  That, and I have religion  which allows for plenty of Deus ex Machina to cover me when I am barely treading water.

Good thing our last ritual was to healing Goddesses… Hail Mengloth and Eir, right? 🙂

So, it’s been an excitingly frustrating 7 days-
On the bright side, I was allowed to keep the “Time” magazine from the phlebotomy office at Quest Diagnostic which had the article on the second man to teach me Sufism via his students, as “One of the World’s 100 most influential people.”  This is the same man who taught me that any person who demands your respect deserves it the least. I was awestruck- and now have an answer for the wishful yoga “Guru” (Capital “G”, yo’.) who wanted my supplication and obedience to his ridiculous and under-researched take on Hinduism since he “sat at the feet of the wisest yogi’s on the planet…”

Krishna is NOT a pacifist.  I suggest the Bhagavad Gita as a resource considering the majority of the text refers to Krishna addressing his friend, Arjuna about the necessity of war.  I learned that in college from many religion courses… not from some mansion-living asshole wearing a burlap sack and ripping off rich Americans with more money than sense, and not enough book readin’ to know better.

Okay, asshat- My teacher was in “Time” magazine….was yours, Mr. Abusive, anorexic, autistic, paranoid, no-degree, vegan, pretentious, parent-funded jackass? 🙂

Also= I’m not a Hindu.,

(The urge to contact this character to say: “Bow to me, lowly peon…!”  exists, but just the satisfaction of this information is more than enough to humour me)

Our personal practices have become more interesting in the past few weeks as we seem to escape any and all boundaries or commonality with what people expect of us.   We have become frustrated that the most exciting things in our religious practices are likely to be the least understood; yet at the same time- we find ourselves surrounded by so many unhappy people that we both had to learn that we cannot please everyone, accept everyone, and be beholden to everyone.  Time is precious, spend it wisely on what you can influence positively.  Remove from your life what makes you unhappy, uncomfortable, and what does not bear fruit.-  This I learned years and years ago from a Native shaman who read me at another faire.  “Know when to hold them, know when to fold them, and let fields lie fallow when they don’t grow corn.”

I must say though- getting a Ouija board made by a Floridian priest out of Haitian wood decorated with tarot cards around the edges was the most interesting purchase made…. and also, the object in particular is 1/20 in the entire world, blessed, and works well.  We managed to channel a rather sarcastic author my fiancee is partial to who offered hysterical answers to our questions-
As well as indicating my dead grandpa was also in the room…by referring to him as “The Nazi”.
“Why would you say such a thing about him?”  We asked,
“Hello! Because He is”.  (Grandpa was temporarily in the SS during WWII- but defected to the British secret service) If you want an idea of what’s going on- check out Ed’s new blog Here.

Basically, to sum up Ed’s blog we have both lived lives where we have been extraordinary push-overs in attempting to please everyone, and we are currently working on rewriting both of our priority sets to honor ourselves more, care less about the games and dramas of others, and learn to discern where and when we can contribute the most good to the world and when to gracefully bow out and do our own thing.  Making everyone happy was making us anti-social and resentful.  It was time to take some of ourselves back for our own good.

Heathenly speaking: Nauthiz has been in full swing as my fiancee and I found ourselves forced to make concrete decisions regarding wedding plans.  I visited a psychic last week for a reading who gave better advice than my current therapist- basically, that even as the shell of a “Type A” personality- I need to learn flexibility and that if something isn’t going the way I envisioned, it is not to say all is lost- but rather, there are possibilities I was likely not aware of that will come to pass and to allow more competent and willing parties to take charge.  Which is exactly what occurred.

Every altar was given at least one new gift of a stone, candle, or both- including a huge terminated, irradiated smokey quartz on my fiancee’s main altar- some smaller black quartz  and blue Bornite for Tyr,  A citrine/quartz and a handful of Bornite for Loki.  An Amethyst raven for The Morrigan, a natural, jewelers quality quartz for Anubus, and Zinc quartz for the Gentleman’s Altar of Freyr/Janis and Cernunnos…. all with fresh, new candles….including refilling our box of tealights for the ailing, dead, and those who request honest, legitimate help from us.

The candle for the patron of our relationship has been lit off and on for days-  it might surprise some to know that it is Freyr we look to for relationship issues rather than any Rokkr.  We as a couple remain remarkably stable- however, the process of life regarding the wedding “clicking” into place around us needed a “spark” of discontent in our wedding plans- we had to defend our religious practices to another, which then triggered a chain affect of solidifying a much more complicated and satisfying wedding arrangement than even I imagined beforehand.

So- my idea of the picnic is the woods is still going to work; we have confirmed Ed’s favorite park with pavilion space enough for food and the possibility of rain.  Furthermore, in letting go of my innate habit of being the “planner” in the relationship-  Ed created a beautiful 3-tiered wedding process that never would have crossed my mind that solves a series of problems I was struggling to accommodate.

First, since we have to get our license from the state anyway, he wanted a private judge-wedding with just family followed by a nice dinner at the beginning of the month.  This way, we can take advantage of the next 10 days he has off for a honeymoon that is technically “real”….including some light day trips to places like the Mutter Museum and possibly Salem or New York.

Since we are doing this all ourselves- the day before our actual Braucher- officiated wedding; we are having a get together lunch with whomever wishes to join us at a Scottish restaurant near the majority of my friends the Saturday before- a sort of cross between the idea of a bachelor/ette party and rehearsal dinner….followed by an evening of cards against humanity and take-out cuisine for the evening as those out-of-towners and people who wish to help set up for the “big” thing stay overnight at our apartment if they want to.   Then, Sunday- as I get my hair done, (and possibly nurse my hangover) the men set up in the morning, then at 2pm we have a  family friendly picnic, Heathen ceremony- and at the end of the evening, whomever is left to help with clean up comes back to our apartment for sumbel, in the midst of all of our altars, our cats, and all the blessings one can want.

So, right now, I am waiting on the judge to call me back to confirm the first week of July for the “legal-ease” wedding, set up a hair appointment for the 28th, and now- I am looking for a cheap florist to provide a bouquet or two… as well as good, sturdy flowers to wear in my hair.  Looking at bulk prices, it appears miniature blue carnations and baby’s breath sent via some online site are currently the front runners.  20 bucks for 50 stems of each.  Not bad.

Still need to purchase shoes, a slip, and next week- my fiancee’s Scottish regalia.  The wax mold for our rings will be seen on June 22- then fabricated that week.  And I have learned that even a “simple” wedding still takes planning, time, and slightly more money than expected.

I also discovered my former roommate from over a year ago was apparently attempting to claim food stamps under my name- leaving me with a thousand dollar reimbursement to contest. (which I am not concerned about-I have a copy of my lease proving my residence here in THIS county)   I am beginning to seriously consider purchasing a small filing cabinet for our Tyr (Ziu) altar- since all my paperwork regarding “justice”, “injustice”, and anything “government” hath started running over…

I agree with the Christians when their book stated “Give what is Caesar’s unto Caesar.”  Meaning- let all political/government/legal matters be entirely separate from the rest of life whenever possible.  Tyr has been generous with guidance and help on these things, so I have faith Justice will be done.

So, our cake and our wedding will be three-tiered- but nine separate cakes for each realm of Norse.  We have done our best to minimize butt-hurt in this way and we have also learned that dealing with either religious politics or my family politics is exactly like a game of RISK:  By the time you have the board set up properly, you realize you have no desire to actually play the game.

So, I’m not going out of my way to contact extended family except very minimally, the same goes for anyone else estranged on either side, or religiously speaking- if they show up, they will be expected to be on their best behavior lest they be promptly removed by my brother’s friends who would enjoy the privilege.   My brother, sister-in-law, and best friends along with Ed’s family get their “Specialness” with the court wedding…(since there was possibility of offense being taken by not having attendants or a special “family” part some people love so much)…and We still get to have our religious Heathen celebration…

…and hopefully, the medical issues will be resolved in that time as well; one problem will be solved at least- in July, under new insurance, I will get to see my old therapist again who was better trained on my issues- which will very much help minimize any terror at the idea of a large crowd on the 28th.

So- need to hear back from the judge, make hair appointments for the two of us for the first week of July still, buy the Kilt/Highland shirt combo for my man, buy shoes and a slip, figure out where to get a garter and bouquet, and I think that’s about it….other than dollar store streamers to mark our pavilion as “Taken”.

Since so many of our friends are LGBTQ- Ed will be wearing the garter and throwing the bouquet- Bi/pansexuals reading this:  Pick ONE to go for.   The result of who-catches-which could end up anywhere from “typical” to awkwardly hilarious. 🙂

However, after the chaos of being accepted then rejected from location to location- I think the end solution turned out to be the best solution-  all I needed to do was let go and allow my fiancee the confidence to figure out solutions to problems that vexed me.  I’m not used to being with someone equally to more competent than myself:  But if he wasn’t, I wouldn’t be marrying him.

Weddings are usually the dominion of the “woman”-  after years of self analysis, I should have known that if it’s the domain of the “woman” I am likely the least equipped for the task out of anyone to attempt to navigate such waters.

I am willing to pimp Ed out as a wedding planner by the way- he’s remarkably good at creating elegant, clever,  and complex solutions… just pay him for his time.

That is for another post;  when to know when people are taking advantage of you for things they should be paying you for but don’t….