Archive for PTSD

Time Theory, Heathenry, and Past Suffering

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2013 by Tyrienne

AA036979Of all the religions I have come into contact with during the course of my studies, to me, Buddhism is the most incomprehensible and at opposition with my beliefs and experience.  Please, don’t take this to mean I hate Buddhists, quite the opposite, I married a Shaolin monk for Christ’s sake- and I have been fortunate enough to meet many excellent Buddhist (or half Buddhists) over the years that have shown me the religion itself may actually be more full of kind, considerate people than any other… my favorite advisor in college was half Buddhist as well, and often, he was the best person to speak to when everything in my life was crashing down around me.  Buddhism is the belief there is no moment except for the present moment- the past is a memory, the future can only be inferred.  By living in the present moment we free ourselves from attachment to both the pains and joys of the past and also of anticipation for the future, striving, instead, to live within the present moment
One of those things that haunts me is my physical knowledge of time theory.  Picture a train, if you will- you are standing in front of one window of that train so you can see within the cabin- because you entire view of the train is limited to just seeing inside one window of the cabin, you can neither see the engine nor the caboose.
However, I want you now to picture a mountain, at the bottom of this mountain is the same train- only now from your vantage point you not only can see the train, but all the tracks, the surrounding countryside, and the entire route of the object from beginning to end.   This is time theory.  The idea that time is not linear, but rather all existent in one plane all at once (the 4th dimension) however, we can only perceive the smallest portion of it due to the lack of our perception.  However, even in the analogy of the train we find that we are dealing with two forms of perception-  Grand (Macro) or vague perception, and small (Micro) or specific perception.  From the top of the mountain, we cannot see within the cabin of the train without limit our perception of the rest of reality with a set of binoculars, nor can we perceive from the base of the mountain at the train station without similar means.

To me, this is why Sufism is such an intellectually accessible religion; in Sufism, instead of a train we have a book- some grand book that encompasses all that ever was and is to be, however, we live page by page and do not get to see this book until, MAYBE, our deaths should we have lived our lives in accordance to certain humane principles and ideals such as honesty, hospitality, charity, prayer, fasting, pilgrimage, etc.   Instead of the “Now” centeredness of Buddhism, in Sufism, we have focus on the future, and that all deeds performed in the present are entirely in preparation for some perhaps unattainable future goal.

Heathenism, surprisingly enough, appears to be unique in lacking a present focus in favor of both past and future- our rituals are focused on the values and accomplishments of our ancestors, where our deeds are meant to sow the seeds for the future- making us rather cross-eyed in the present as an entirety of a people.   This makes perfect sense to me, having PTSD because I feel the affects of the actions of myself and others from the past vividly daily in the form of flashbacks; however, I also strive to live a pure and honorable life in the present- which is actually made easier by being Lokean/Tyrian rather than more difficult because both my nature of being Lokean and my Tyrian ethics keep my circle of people I interact with commonly small either out of fear of me or by my repulsion of them.   I love Heathenry because there is no credo of accepting “everyone” there are people who are not worthy of my time or presence, and also, there are people who receive no benefit from my existence either.   This truth is missing from other world religions- this is not to say to be inhospitable- far from that, however, after introductions are made and the nature of the person is assessed; we are given the choice to either continue to allow them to affect our wyrd or orlogg (which I will spell every imaginable way in this post) or to avoid them.   9 out of 10 times my choice is avoidance- humans lie, they cheat, they abuse others and they do not care about the consequences of their selfishness- they intentionally inflict pain and act with cruelty then justify their actions by claiming to be part of some sub culture or another, or worse, their Godly nature allows for certain breaches.   In my case, the pain and damage I cause is by being a truth-teller…. not exactly the sort of person you want at your parties, and worse, I am a truth teller with a selective memory so that whatever is unimportant falls through like a sieve where the things that “stick” nag at me for months until they are released via this blog into the open so I can remove the metaphorical itching of witnessing the pains caused by others- how they can act in ways I personally find appalling and would never commit myself and yet, people avoid that elephant in the room with our still-puritanical politeness of decades of Christian indoctrination into our American culture.

Until “Hey, you’re an asshole.” is as acceptable now as it was back in some indeterminate ancestral halcyon time we all seem to claim- the Lokean and the Tyrians will continue to be the least desirable among all Heathens to share a horn with- Lokean truth is seen as disruptive- and outside of leadership roles, the judgements of those who follow Tyr come across as overly harsh an insensitive- if not Neanderthalic in black/white reasoning of what constitutes the good and the bad- the line is clear.    (Which should be to be expected considering records of Tyr predate records of Woten by at least 6000 years, according to Wikipedia)  With Tyr, the line is clear- cheating is always “bad”, whereas being initially hospitable to all people upon first meeting them is “good” until they are proven unworthy of it…should they prove unworthy, they are to be avoided until sufficient progress is made on the part of the offending party to make amends; but more often then not- the severing of ties is permanent- for the more you beg, the more pathetic and useless you are viewed so reconciliation cannot be “bought”; but must be proven by inherent worth to the community at large to once again regain favor…if then.   (Anton LeVay and Tyr would have an interesting relationship, for instance- for where their ideologies meet- they meet exactly, but where they differ, there could not be more extreme differences in point of view….worth a different post, perhaps)

So, anyway back to time theory.  So here we have the proof of physicist and philosophers that time is merely an a-priori perception of the mind, that we cannot see more than three pieces of the puzzle called “life” at a time, and those pieces we have labeled our “past, present, and future”.  The Buddhist is to sit on the piece that is “present” and ignore all else; the Sufi is to discard the past, use the present, keep their eyes on the future for a pleasant afterlife (all monotheistic faiths are similar in this regard), and the Heathen falls into the the trap of ignoring the present moment being stuck with one foot in the past and the other focused on the future- lending ourselves to a faith that is overall confused on a National and International level as those who favor the past are called “Folkish” and those who look forwards almost to the exclusion of the past are labeled “Universalists”  However, in both sets of Heathen practice we find that it is commonly believed that our present actions, especially during sumbel/blot/ritual are timeless and can positively affect the luck/wyrd/oorlog of the past and that of our ancestors by how well we live our lives this moment.

If I were to take my troubled mind out of the equation of my life, I lead an exceptionally blessed existence,  I have a handsome and loving husband, I not only do not have to work, but I am not permitted to on account of illness, I am free, I am well provided for, have companionship of good animals and people- and even a few reliable, honorable family members I can relate to.  However, my mental condition consistently traps me in past experiences and hurts me relentlessly- I am not haunted so much by things I did or did not do-thankfully, I live a life with few regrets, however, I am haunted by lack of proper foresight in those past situations that allowed for my life to spin wildly out of control as I could not step out of the way in time of the train bearing down on the tracks.  Metaphorically speaking, I have been hit by several trains-  lesson learned is to stop playing on the tracks- which, for the most part I have.  If “playing on the the tracks” is interacting with unstable people, then after 31 years of experience, I have finally learned to determine that everyone is unstable to a degree and that the only people worth interacting with are the ones who can fully embrace their own madness with honesty-(throw decorum out the window, please.)   The harder we strive to hide our inner chaos and madness, the harder it bears down upon us and those in our lives- to the point at which some people will even sacrifice innocent peoples lives and reputations to maintain their own facades of dignity and faux-decorum.  This is called gas-lighting, and is often employed by narcissists and sociopaths.  Be very, very careful about the person who desires recognition, fame, money, or achievement- often, that is indicative of a sickness that can drown and maim even the strongest of men around them; in the pursuit of such meaningless accomplishments or feats- integrity and honor often fall by the wayside as other needs are not met and vices are procured to fulfill the inner emptyness that a life set on these things creates.  The vacuum of loss of friends as time is devoted to putting resources together to appear more impressive in exchange for false friends who only serve to boost the ego- making those who speak of moderation into the enemy.   I abhor the person who seeks grandeur for its own sake- but love the quietness of the footsteps of the person who achieves notoriety for doing good deeds for their own sake without any desire for recognition.

I write a great deal, I think, but I don’t make money off of this blog-  I do it as part of an oath I made with Tyr and by extension Loki to prove that Loki and Lokeans are human beings, not to be categorized and dismissed out of hand- just as Loki is not to be dismissed out of hand. In this journal I have shared and will continue to share my personal experiences publicly- I have nothing to hide.  I will show my prejudices- my strengths, and my short comings- but as time passes, my “public” experience of the community becomes less as I draw my shades and focus more exclusively my own life and that of my husband.  When I began this blog, I was very much “in” the community and a consistent attender of events all over- but now, I am much more content to stay home more days often than not and enjoy the company of my new husband.  Some places have rejected us, other places we have rejected- and honestly- it’s about 50/50 as to which is which- even still, we have more invitations than we expect between the two of us, and I have more reception to this blog than I anticipated.  However, Tyr never gave me a timeline here so I have no idea if this is a “forever” thing or if one day I get to ditch this format in favor of a new chapter with a different URL where I just get to go back to simple, personal journalism once more…where I am not intentionally putting the gross details of my life out there for everyone to see.

So, anyway- the solution I have found to my present dilemma came from therapy, I am involved in something called EMDR where I am supposed to remove the emotions from the negative memories and be able to contain them away from my psyche- the only possible way this can be accomplished for me (and apparently, for most with my condition) is to focus on the living conditions of the present moment rather than the traumatic episodes of the past.   In my case, I spend a great deal of time focusing on the time I get to share with Eddie.  From the view of time theory, and from Heathenry, the reason why my life is so good at this present moment is BECAUSE I have already paid the price for it with my past.   Ed found me through another journal I used to write, and without writing we would not have our marriage.  Without keeping record online of everything I have experienced from my life in Spain to College to my poetry- I would have no record of my past except for negative memories.  However, if I take a more Buddhist approach and focus entirely on the ethic of the present moment, then I realize the need for productiveness and the sharing of my personal revelations.

Without writing, I would feel much more guilty about having such an easy life now-  I would feel more lonely, and I would feel purposeless.  If not a single person reads this blog but my husband- I am fine with that.   However, since I know that is not the case let me tie all the loose ends together into a format that makes this coherent to the rest of those who read my rambling thoughts…

PTSD- (Tyr is likely the God most accustomed to it outside the Rokkr), forces one to live in the past-  however, the past is not detached from the present or future.  The “present” is simply a term for the point of view or perspective we hold on our lives at the present moment, or what “eyes” we use to view our lives-  are we viewing remotely or intimately?  Do we look at the greater picture or the minute details of our daily experiences, (if we pay attention to our daily experiences at all…?)

The view from the mountain is lovely, but we miss detail- and although the details of the train are captivating, if we are standing on the tracks to look in the window of one train, anticipating boarding it, we risk being run down by another on a faster track if we do not watch where we place our feet.

The solution is mindfulness- the ability to live, right now, and in the present- to not focus on anticipation or to dwell in regrets OR past glory.   If life is good RIGHT NOW- then it is fair to say you earned the right to that goodness.   If your life RIGHT NOW is chaos, then it is fair to say that you have been negligent and the sum of that negligence is insecurity.   When I look at the times of my life when things were at their worst, it has meant one of two things:

1. This is only a test- make it through this and things will get better.
2. I have ignored all the warning signs and gone “my own way” despite the advice of those wiser than I, leading me into untenable situations…. to get out, I need to extract myself carefully, live ethically, and all will be okay in the eventual future.

Whether or not I am “Okay” at this time is dependent on my state of mind; always, I am materialistically okay; but I have been homeless, lived in an unfinished concrete and drywall room with nothing more than a spare lightbulb- or by the charity of strangers for food and the roof over my head.   I got through those times by a great deal of prayer, sacrifice (including my entire altar to a lake at one point- 15 years of my life- given to four cardinal directions of water)  It took patience, it took waiting. suffering, and asking for help, even when asking for help meant becoming estranged from those I cared for (who, I had to accept, were NOT helping).  It was a matter of putting aside my pride and TALKING both in writing and out loud about what was happening and had happened…. realizing that as long as I use my voice, as long as there is a record of my thoughts and my writings, then it’s a lot easier to clear up misunderstandings, and MUCH harder for people to lie about who I am and where I stand for their own personal gain.

Writing in journals like this has saved my life, my degrees, and my reputation in some regards- everything I write is honest to the best of my perceptions, and keeping records of what I have thought, said, and believed shows a progression.  No one person is supposed to stay stagnant, and, ideally, my favorite people are the ones who admit to striving to learn something new, experience something new, or do something to further their intellectual and spiritual growth daily- even if it just means watching a movie they have never seen before on Netflix or taking a new way home from work.

Time theory at one time lead me to an institution for 10 days, because my life was so fucked up I couldn’t understand why and how if there is no “reality of serial time” that I could suffer so miserably at that moment.   I suffered because either I was either not living in the present and mourning the past too acutely, or that I could not see the larger picture that time had to offer- the Heathen way- that perhaps I brought it on myself by not being as Tyrian (honest) as I should have been, and in lying to save another person, I had ruined my own Wyrd for that moment.

My life improved when I stopped trying so hard to protect a man not worth my protection, by bringing Tyr’s influence back into my life into a place of prominence where I could once again claim with honesty I was no liar.  It involved a great deal of pain; and still, my honesty causes me loss of friends- however, I have lived the other way. I have lied for who I thought was a friend and almost lost my literal life over it….by placing the needs of a narcissist above my own without the consciousness of realizing I was doing so.  I was told by Loki to protect my professor, and I did.  I saved his life by speaking up and preventing him from being assassinated in Turkey.  My responsibility was not to lie for him to cover up why he was not properly doing his job, nor was it to lie to make him appear better than me and disgracing myself in favor of his reputation when he was the one who was behind on our joint work, not I.

Should I have listened to my inner instincts, I would have known lying at all is never the correct solution to anything at all- and even with the best of intentions, one lie can damage the Wyrd severely.

Kant was wrong in that regard, bad actions with good intentions still lead to ultimately negative outcomes.  Furthermore, there is no such thing as a negative intention- there is reactionary intentions, sure.  But few set out intentionally to cause harm without reason or purpose.  With that being said, if the action is good, the result will likely follow to be good as well.

Be productive
Be Honest
Live in the present
See life from both the micro and macro perspectives
Be frithful
and be grateful and happy for what you have been blessed with.

…and if you can’t bear to raise the horn to Loki- raise it to Woten.  Loki gets some of that honor anyway.
…and if you cannot raise the horn to Tyr in good conscious, realize you fucked up massively in life and need to do some serious self assessment.
🙂

Hail!

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Living With a “Broken” Heart- and Why I Think it’s Hilarious….

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 21, 2013 by Tyrienne
Artist unknown- But It's Loki! With a Raven- in red stuff.  Think Neil Gaiman's "Desire" from "Sandman": Loki at the threshold of the heart, perhaps?  :)

But It’s Loki! With a Raven- in red stuff. Think Neil Gaiman’s “Desire” from “Sandman”: Loki at the threshold of the heart, perhaps?
🙂
Artist-“Loki transforming into falcon” by spanielf on deviantArt (here is a link to the illustration: http://www.deviantart.com/art/Loki-transforming-into-falcon-120901782).

So, a long time ago and far far away (according to my memories, anyway- I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday)…I was in and out of hospitals for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  This was actually a year or two ago-  I’m pretty open about it, I learned a great deal.

Firstly, I learned that the vast majority of “mental” patients are sensitive, intelligent people who are simply victims of extraordinary levels of abuse.  Then again, in “The Horsham Hotel”, as we called the clinic- they did their very best to put people with similar conditions in the same ward- honestly, out of meeting 40 people over the course of 9-12 days each time, I MIGHT have met 2-4 people who were legitimately insane in the way you would typically imagine…and out of those 4, as soon as 2 of them were medicated, they were NORMAL.  I learned that a schizophrenic on medication can out-clever almost any PhD student, and I would sit in awe of the intelligence of some of the people I met whose conditions were so much more socially stigmatized than my own- but, fuck-all if they weren’t brighter, more perceptive, and more “crippled” by living in a society where innate genius is suspect unless channeled into academic achievement or government service.

Anyway, before I get off topic too badly.  On a scale from 1 to pancake as far as “crazy” goes-  I average out somewhere on the “pancake” side of average…but I am pancake enough that I still have far to go, recovery-wise.  I try too hard, I write too much, I break the rules and read up on current events and get all guilty feeling and upset because I could have/should have/would have/ might have been someone who could have been a voice of reason in the well of Crazy they call American media: then subsequently,  I lose my mind on occasion, I forget where I am, I have flasbacks- the whole 9 yards- I’ve said this all before- yadda, yadda, yadda….

So, to the meat and bones of this post- over this time, the majority of my family disowned me- because PTSD was not considered “real” enough to them- despite the fact that most of these same people were there to witness first hand the initial abuse that started the chain reaction of events that lead to being put on SSD- started with physical child abuse and ended in a police interrogation where I was cuffed to a chair and interrogated for 5 hours while denied legal council…

Look, I just wanted to be a diplomat to Iran. (Don’t worry, I don’t anymore.  Hell, I hardly leave this apartment.)

You try and sit through a full police interrogation with PTSD already,  and see how sane you feel after that.

I believe the quote from my grandfather was to the tune of: “It would have been better if you did kill yourself instead of stealing OUR Social Security WE paid into- besides, it’s not a REAL disease like a Heart condition.”  When he so kindly called me when I was released from the hospital.

Well, I have some news!……drumroll please….

I have a heart condition!  (Also, I paid into Social Security just like every other American from 15 years old onward- and made decent money for most of my 20’s- that section of my family is wealthy and newly judgmental since moving into their retirement cult community of tea-partying psuedo-Libertarians)

Anyway, so- it’s Tachycardia-  It seems to have almost the exact same physical symptoms as a panic attack- which means I can not discern when I am truly “Panicked” or if it’s just my heart losing rhythm- they both amount to the same symptoms in the end.   I also have asthma, but that’s old news.  This will require surgery- I am ineligible for pills since most of my normal prescriptions are on the “sedative” side anyway- and my heart rate is still 110-150.  Without sedatives?  We don’t know- but they rejected my idea for me to go off my normal routine medications for a few days for fear of breaking 200 bpm at-rest.

I said “I think that sounds neat, actually.”
They were not amused.

They still won’t give me a straight answer on a scale from “Common cold” to “Deadly Cancer” as to what Tachycardia translates to- but they will not medicate me for it since my blood pressure is 80/60.  Because, really- they still don’t know.  They know it’s above “Common cold”, though with the blood pressure taken into consideration.

They said, if medicated, I would likely faint often-  I replied “I’m terrible at sleeping anyway- I don’t mind, really!”  Again, they were not amused.

I don’t feel a thing, I was diagnosed by a nurse at the local blood center I was donating my platelets to regularly. Without a dose of Valium immediately prior to entering the building, I would get kicked out 2/3 days in a row for my high pulse.  I joked about it.  I wanted them to put up a chart of records for everything I used to get kicked out for:  High heart rate, low blood pressure, low iron, high iron, etc.   Mostly, it was my heart rate.  I thought it was a giant joke, really.  My heart has been like this for YEARS.  I do not feel a damned thing.

The nurse didn’t think it was funny either which is why I got sent to the cardiologist.

Anyway, so I have never felt so utterly Lokian/Lokien as I do at this moment with this situation: I have a condition which I can’t feel distinctly from my typical daily madness… and the cherry on the icing is that it makes my family look like complete ASSHOLES (even more so than before.) AND they will have to face the masses of people who love me, who all know what they said to me and what I am going through.

Delicious.

In pulling my records- it is clear that the Tachycardia was present but undiagnosed for at least 5 years at minimum…and my heart on account of this is “larger” than it should be- this is apparently a problem too.

I’m not dying of this, but it could be PART of the fabric of my psyche that I just became so accustomed to I cannot discern it from anything else- from asthma attack to flashbacks-  It could be Tachycardia, It could be my lungs, or I could be crazy.

For everyone who hoped I ended up “broken hearted”-  Hah! Loki rules.

If you ever ask for Loki to make you a milkshake, be prepared to be put in a blender and covered with whipped cream, asshats.  Loki is not the God I personally go to for favors, for curses, etc.

For me, he’s the one I go to to say “Thank you” or more appropriately “Hey, check out this humorous insanity here…”

I figure there are more than enough people asking Him for the wrong things-  Thinking he is some Asatru version of Satan.  I imagine there is some cult kindred out there wearing upside-down Valknuts and chanting in backwards German to Loki, Sutr, and Hel- and making complete and total asses of themselves.

I look up to Loki, I abide by His example- and right now, I think I am handling this with the humour He would expect out of such a situation.   I have made my friends and  family aware of all the little gory details of this new development so even if they are incapable of feeling shame for their treatment of me- I know others will look on them with further disgust at their negligence and ignorance- which satisfies me.

And to anyone who “cursed me with a broken heart”, if they exist at all-  Way to fuck that one up! 🙂

So, I call a cardiologist- all total I have had 6 days in testing and all that has been concluded is mine is in no way connected to my mental condition whatsoever- and I still have 2 more weeks of testing to go; which they are graciously allowing me to wait until AFTER my wedding to complete, grudgingly.  The blood center called today too-  I am banned from returning without a doctor’s note giving me “permission” to donate again.

Most people they beg…me?  They need a permission slip.  Only a Lokian.

I’m sorry, but a heart monitor on a sling will NOT be my “something blue”…. and I promised I would try not to die. By the end of August, though- I should have an idea of what this all means, as in- “Will insurance cover the surgery now…or do I need to wait until I am of a certain age like my hysterectomy?”

I’ve been working on finding personal immortality, so far so good…. however, in typical shamanic process I have been slowly having parts of my body surgically removed since I was 19.  In the Dreamtime, they usually put crystals in there or something- last time I had something removed they gave me a pump full of penicillin- Cool, except I was allergic to Pennicilin and ended up on 3 months worth of burn-patient meds.

It was the best summer I can’t remember-  except to recall my military buddy fighting with a 19 year old over who got my excess tampons- he wanted them for bullet wounds….and I recall a lot of pills, trying to read “Dune” repeatedly, and writing a tripped out report on the movie “Gattica” for a class I only physically sat through two sessions of.  I got an A for the semester.  Great professor, Dr. Falla; I’m still sad I missed his lectures, but I have been to his church services where he is a pastor.

(Do you have any idea how hard it is to sit through a church service lead by one of your college professor…?  I wanted to raise my hand so badly and ask for clarification when he was using the scriptures of Paul… why not the gospels? Council of Nicaea approved texts?=bad news!  C’mon sir, you’re UCC!  I want to hear some Gnosticism! )

Speaking of religiousy things- The Wedding festivities are all of July-still…. and it’s open invitation to all who wish to come and bring food to the picnic on the 28th.  Plenty of time for the news of my “broken heart” to make the rounds, I’m sure.

We are excited to meet with our favorite Braucher on the 29th of June and his Universalist cohort to plan the ceremony itself. 🙂

Go team Jotun-born-  You guys did me a solid once again- there really isn’t anything bad to say about me at this point, except in that I might be just a TAD bit too smug that in the end, people have to eat the their own unjust words, or at least- guard their mouths more carefully for what they ask for might come true and turn the tables on them…

….and if I “need” anything, I ask Tyr.   Justice?  In a way that doesn’t bother me physically in any way but makes other people look foolish and exposes them as inconsiderate?  Sure, I’ll take it.

But again, what Lokian would not be this way?

🙂
(P.S. I have no idea why people spell it “Lokien” vs. “Lokian”; does anyone out there in cyberspace have an answer? Does it even matter?)

On Disgrace

Posted in About me, Justice with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 9, 2013 by Tyrienne

A wolf and his God…. (artist unknown)

Disgrace-  two words  “Dis” indicating the negative, and “grace”- that which is benevolent and flowing.  To dis-grace is to go against the benevolent, the flowing, the beautiful if you want to be poetic.

I love reading the posts of my Lokian mystic compatriot Myriad in Germany- her words always always serve as an excellent kick start for what I wish to say allowing me to organize my thought processes a little more coherently to share with the public at large.

Yesterday, I lit candles for both Loki and Odin, only to extinguish them minutes later…. I was angry, I realized-  I was having flashbacks again… a domino effect of every terrible moment experienced in the last several years- the loss of my grandparents as they called me a “disgrace” for committing myself for  psychiatric help, the love letters from a professor that were used to manipulate me for months, being the dirty secret of my ex-fiancee after he found out his ex was pregnant with his child, intentionally, knowing they were breaking up.  The people who betrayed my fiancee and blamed me for their own selfish intentions.   Then, add in entire communities worth of people- like small packs of wild dogs who tear at me and my reputation- to the point where I have learned that reputation cannot be such an important thing since it is fragile enough for any liar to create any story to smash it like a snowflake made of thin glass.

I searched my old email address yesterday for over 400 letters that were exchanged between myself and a man writing under an alias- I gave up, I was going to forward them to a friend of mine to “clear my name” with his father who ran the department in my old college….only to find that apparently during another episode of flashbacks I had deleted them all well over a month ago.   Copies still exist-my psychologist has some, the guidance office, the deans, as well as the last letters posted publicly in my old journal as a “cease and desist” when I desired no further communication.

But then, what purpose would it serve?  Clearing my name is great, but at what price?   I am strong enough to recognize sickness in others- and I realized I don’t have the strength (or weakness) for vengeance.   My friend made it through his last year of college without coming to harm, and our friendship is still intact despite what his father thinks.  Isn’t that enough?

I found myself in an argument two days ago with a friend of mine I see as vastly more intelligent than I am- however- his only flaw lies in his absolute disgust with any of the LBGTQ movement.   When I was a child, I wished to be a boy- I dressed up in my superhero pajamas’s and tried to make a zipline from my “rainbow brite” canopy bed to my high bookshelf- I refused dresses, I wasn’t nurturing, I wanted to jump from the top of the playground equipment and roar like a wildcat chasing, and outrunning others- wanting to be the best boy who was not a boy….to the point of arguing with the gym teacher to teach me to throw a spiral football rather than learn field hockey.  Back in the day, that was considered “disgraceful”- and I was put into therapy where they attempted to force me to play with dolls, fix my hair with lace barrettes, and other female-approved activities.

I indicated to my friend that the dissolution of gender roles has been one of the few boons I have experienced in life; thinking as a child I would have to get massive surgeries to change my gender as I got older- only to reach my 30’s and realize that I am perfectly fine expressing my natural personality in a female body without the fear of repercussions that existed even through the 1980’s of what defines male vs. female.  I learned in Anthropology classes in my late teenage years that what is expected of gender roles changes from culture to culture, decade to decade.  In my late 20’s, I learned that if I were born in Iran- gender reassignment surgery would have been free- rendering the argument my one professor posed against me moot.  “You would survive five minutes if you were born in Iran.”  No, I would have thrived- I would have taken Ahmadinejad’s  offer at the age of consent and RAN with it….and would be living as a man by 21- uncovered, free, and likely on my way to the life of either a mystic or a scholar.

So, what is disgrace?  Going against what is commonly considered “acceptable”- here, I have never NOT been in disgrace by some person, group, or family member no matter how I look at it- which is likely why Loki turned out to be one of my most steadfast of influences on me today.  Eventually, one becomes immune to the vast majority of the opinions of others- I did years ago, barring the opinions of those who are very closest to me.  I keep consistent friendships that last for decades….and for every person who disparages me, there seem to be at least one or two people who respect me, or at very least, find my writings insightful.

The hardest truth I am learning to come to terms with is that one who is prone to telling lies can say ANYTHING.   My mother was an atrocious human being to the point of which I cut off all contact with her nearly a decade ago- and the one thing that stands out most in my abusive childhood is the constant, unrelenting screaming of being called a “liar”- by a schizophrenic who would punish me until I told her what she believed was “truth”…. basically meaning I would have to lie to avoid further punishments.  That altered me so fundamentally that in my adult years I have become transparent.   If I have skeletons in my closet- the closet has an open door and they party in my living room.

I am a disgrace-  But I am an honest one.

I can tell you I slept with my ex-fiancee the day before I “officially” broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 6 years….despite the fact that I told the man I was going to Canada specifically to explore that relationship possibility and that our relationship had already fallen into abusive ruin.  Does that make me “officially” a cheater despite the fact that I told the man I was with our relationship was not working to the point of misery months before I left and that I was going to Canada EXPRESSLY to explore if I was in love with someone else?

I can tell you I outright LIED to save the reputation of the faculty member I mentioned above for the first two years of knowing him….people would ask me where he was, why things weren’t turned in on time, and what he was doing and I played dumb.  I did this because I was told to protect him.  I learned later that in such “protection” I likely harmed the man by enabling the self depreciating behaviors and lack of spirituality on his part that lead to the demise of our working relationship and friendship.  I predicted my youngest friend would be the next person to become his “confidant”-and he did- but to my immense relief, not anywhere close to the sick, twisted interactions I had with the that professor.

He was the only person I would lie for- and I learned again that lying gets me nowhere….  what would have happened if I had allowed him to be held accountable for his actions his first year of employment?  I overheard everything others said about him, and dutifully reported all that was said back to him- he might not have lasted his first year; he was unreliable, unpredictable, and uninvolved.  I was told to “protect” him, and I did, I saved his life once….but I was NEVER told to sacrifice my own morality and sense of honor and honesty on his behalf-which is my regret.

Now, for what?  A year without breath as I worried myself sick for my young friend who I feared would become a new target… I was right and I was wrong.  My friend was not harmed, to my immense relief;   Just a simple, intelligent, and  insecure young man feeding an older, intelligent, insecure man admiration for his thoughts-nothing more; and to his credit- I was not even brought up in conversation or gaslit as I thought I would be.

There is a difference between sickness and sociopathy…. and I derived a small comfort that both these people, one of which I still care about profoundly and the other I used to care for as well found mutual support without any of the apparent disease associated when I was in a similar position.

However, I have also learned that in speaking truth, there is consequences; especially regarding the actions of others.  There are times where I feel morally responsible to bring wrong-doing to light- and in each instance it causes extraordinary discomfort for the parties involved- leading to, most cases, lies on their end to try and recover that elephant in the room.   I told an open hall outright that the local AFA leader asked my fiancee to “represent” the organization by telling him which Gods he may or may not hail.   I told the kinsbrother of a situation of oathbreaking  in his own kindred involving three members- after several months of allowing them the chance to do so themselves.   Why did I do the latter?  Because I was drunk and it actually mentally hurt to keep it a secret when it affected the wyrd of her group so profoundly since I could put myself in my friends’ shoes….knowing I would want to know if I were him.

It has lead me to pull away from the community at large and simply focus on Freyja’s Hall exclusively and on my writing.

If you want to call me a disgrace, here is the ammunition you need:

– I am mentally ill with C-PTSD which causes daily, insufferable flashbacks.
– I am collecting disability
– I am non-cisgender- the more I dress like a “lady” the more I feel like Mrs. Doubtfire-  Every day is Halloween to me- the more feminine the outfit- the more drag I feel.
– I support our troops with all my heart, but do not condone most of the actions of my government.  I fear my government.
-I had my license suspended for two months (currently) because I had a flat tire- was interrogated for 5 hours, and my blood test revealed that my “standard” dose of anti-anxiety medications is several times higher than what is considered normal.
-I have committed myself to psychiatric hospitals three times- I do not regret it.
-I have had at least 3 unsuccessful suicide attempts (likely more, but the memory is hazy)- including being pulled off a bridge in Saskatoon… each time was because I was harmed unfairly by another so badly I felt I was too flawed to continue existing.
– I worship Allah and have several Islamic tattoos (which is heresy, btw)
– I believe that Islam has been hijacked in the name of violence in the same way Christianity was for the crusades and inquisition.  Neither of which are real religions anymore.
– I don’t follow ANY religion anymore- I am not Asatru, and I am not Muslim. I have learned that religions are simply a way of creating packs of wild dogs who bark and fight with one another; Instead- I walk my own path- which is a combination of shamanism, sufism, panpaganism, and heathenry.
-However, I also understand there are beings more powerful than I and less powerful than He- meaning I also adore Loki, Tyr, Odin, Inari, Inanna, Hanuman, and others who have come to me in my dreams and meditations as teachers, guides, leaders, and friends…and I have even more tattoos indicating this.
-I want our government to cease all violent overseas activity.
-I want our currency to be backed by a metal standard.
-I believe forming exclusive “survivalist” groups is hysterical; you are making yourselves into human targets and/or scapegoats for future atrocities.
-I no longer vote- since I realized my vote means nothing and that both parties are owned by the same corporations.
-I believe whole-heartedly in marijuana as a viable painkiller/anti anxiety drug (though I do not smoke currently for fear of my government, despite the fact that it helped me immensely with my symptoms when I did.)
-I believe in premarital sex and the right to have an abortion and all humans the right to choose to be voluntarily sterilized. ( I have a hysterectomy, much of my gender issues resolved themselves after I stopped having periods.)
-I do not endorse or support the enslavement, subjugation, or servitude of any human to any other human- including sexually, academically, or spiritually. (To serve the Gods are a different matter entirely.)
–If you willingly allow yourself to come to harm by your own recognizance or be subjugated by another- you are weak and to be pitied; I feel compassion for you, but I do not condone your choices.
– I look at the world today and consider anyone who works for another human being as an indentured wage slave….regardless of how nice the compensation is.  Back in the old South, House Slaves were given better treatment than field slaves… however, neither were free.
-If I ran the world, it would be a limited geniocracy- like ancient Athens but lacking the gender discrimination… however, with the exclusion of those who exhibit sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies.  Alternatively, a society ruled by the kind and courageous.
– I do not believe gender is anymore important in today’s society than eye color. We already have too many people.
-I believe in kindness towards everyone until they have taken explicit action to directly harm you.
– I believe you cannot be harmed by any “bad magic” if you are truly innocent.
– I feel no guilt in directing negative intention to those who have intentionally harmed me, and I derive pleasure at their suffering. – – -Schadenfreude is my favorite word in German.
– I believe the universe is fair, but humans are not…. the Gods do not make our lives shitty, people do.
– I do not believe money is a “good” thing, I do not believe seeking riches is an admirable goal- I would rather be poor and kind than rich and selfish.
– If I have the money, I will give it to those who need it more than myself…. to my detriment.
– I feel if a person is wealthy and does not give most of their wealth to charity then they are poor in ethics and spirituality.
(My grandparents would literally give me hundreds of dollars when I was already wealthy- but disowned me when I was poor and sick.  This made me realize that they are not good people….they would also kill neighborhood cats and dogs that “annoyed” them)
– There is no such thing as a Good person who “dislikes” and/or is avoided by animals.
– I do not believe in race….but every culture has it’s own special brand of asshole.
– I understand that the “Aryan Race” is bullshit-  “Aryan” is a cognate of “Iran” and “Caucasian” comes from the Caucus mountains in Iran and Turkey.  Every person I see promoting Aryan/Caucasian “pride” I judge you as poorly researched, bigotted, and stupid.
-Latvia was NEVER fully Christianized, considering that my own grandmother sees Jesus as just one of many options out there.
-I believe killing a fetus is better than abusing a child….100% of the time.  Abortions should be free, easily accessible, and not stigmatized. I have taken several women to get abortions and I have never regretted it.  On the same token-  on the third abortion after age 18, it is indicative of poor enough decision making skills that the right to parenthood should be taken away via mandatory sterilization.
-If abortion is “wrong” because it “messes with the plans of the God(s)-” then fertility treatments are equally reprehensible.  God(s) obviously deemed you as unworthy of being parents.  Deal with it and become a foster parent.  Your genes are too flawed to be passed down.
– If you do not take care of your own children, protect them, love them, and give them the majority of your time when they are young and helpless, you are a terrible human being.
-If you have EVER knowingly harmed a child, an animal, or an innocent person- you deserve any and all suffering you experience.
– I cannot love my own mother and cannot even see her as human; after 17 years of profound abuse and neglect I view her as a rabid animal nothing more and she takes up little of my mind-space.
-Theft of someone’s livelihood is reprehensible.

-Yes,  I judge you for the decisions and actions you take in life….as I know I am also judged by those around me.   It doesn’t change much except in cases where active harm is being committed against the unwilling.

This is who I am.  This is what I believe.  Loki is a scapegoat, as is Lilith, Lucifer, Satan, Prometheus, Jinns/Djinns, demons, satanists,  or any other supernatural “bad person” you can think of, or simply people who you are supposed to “demonize” for having opposing values-  this is societies way of instilling values of what is not acceptable.  Currently, in the Asatru movement to renounce Loki, it indicates a lack of value in honesty, intelligence, diplomacy, and humor.  Too many Asatru have no sense of humor….except in racist jokes.   I like all jokes, really- even really filthy, dirty, inappropriate, racist, sexist ones.  I do not discriminate- but when the only thing that makes you laugh is a joke about a minority, you should reevaluate your priorities.  Also, stop calling yourselves “white” unless you are naturally albino.  Peach, light tan, oak colored, or beige is accurate.   White and Black make no sense unless you are literally those colors… your world view is flawed if you think otherwise.

Christians in despising Satan/Lucifer/The devil indicate they do not stand with rebellion, education (the snake in the garden who did not lie), or personal responsibility.   Please make up your minds if you are “children of God” or his slaves.   A child does not get on their knees in front of a parent unless the parent is extraordinarily abusive.  If you are “in bondage to sin” and have been since birth, why are you supposed to love the one who judges you?  It was my own mother who called me “evil” from a young age- does that make her a good parent?

Muslims-There is no other text but the Quran, and it was written over a thousand years ago-  first of all, stop reading the Hadithe materials, second, read the book yourself WITHOUT ADDED ACCENT MARKS ON THE ARABIC.  Then understand that as society grows and changes, so too, does the interpretation of the book-  it was written intentionally to be vague and for each person to read it personally and draw their own conclusions based on what is holy and what is simply historical within the text.  I doubt Mohammad recited the parts of the Quran that speak about his own actions- why would that make any sense?!

For those who believe there is an “Enemy” out there- there is, it’s called “ignorance” and the only remedy is thought, research, and conversation…  If you follow the words/beliefs/laws of another without even a single question as to the morality of said things you are not living a life, but following a crowd.

The most courageous people in our history have often been killed; Martin Luther King Jr. removed burning crosses from his lawn, John Lennon was shot, Kurt Cobain who spoke out against the record industry killed himself (questionably).

Our comedians speak more truth than our politicians:  the late George Carlin, Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, Robin Williams, Eddie Izzard, Margaret Cho, and so many others.

The best people our world has ever known, many do not know how good they were:
Fred Rodgers- spoke actively to congress on several occasions protecting the rights of children, education, and public broadcasting
Jim Varney- better known as “Ernest” from the Ernest movies spent most of his time and money visiting sick children.
Nikola Tesla- wanted to give the entire world FREE electricity; died penniless
Cyrus the Great of Persia – wrote the very FIRST codex on human rights, and allowed free practice of all customs and religions under his rule.
Dr. Jonas Salk- Invented one of the first Polio vaccines and refused to patent it…for the good of the people

…and so many others.

But, in all of this rambling, what comes out is what is it to be a “disgrace” but to be an outcast, abnormal, and unaccepted?  Does disgrace go against honor?  And can an honorable action for one person be considered dishonorable for another…well, obviously- yes.

I would like a world with a little less closet space, a lot more honesty, kindness, and a great deal less war.  In every video game I play- I notice that the objective to “kill” literally hundreds of depicted human beings doesn’t even give one thought to pause-  and yet, sex is still considered taboo.

Gods willing, people will have more sex than war in their lives… but sometimes, it seems that people are being trained for a thirst for blood, a clear “enemy” and someone/someones to demonize and terrorize as they see fit.  This, my friends, is dishonorable.   To disagree is fine- to abuse, degrade, lie about, and gain friends over a common “enemy” is dishonorable.

I have been through a lot, but I ultimately came to the conclusion I cannot blame the Gods for my bad experiences- but I can thank them for helping me get through them….and ultimately, I can thank them for their acceptance and protection of me- with the understanding that in exchange, I will do my best to be the most honest and caring person I can be… and the candles were re-lit today with my apologies.

A quote to sum this all up:

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” -Winston Churchill 

I find it no coincidence that Prometheus, Tyr, and Loki are all Gods of both fire and sky… all of which sacrificed, all of which brought much more good to mankind than evil- and all three of which have been punished accordingly for their audacity.

Screaming at the Gods

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 30, 2013 by Tyrienne
I'm not a fan of Marvel's Loki- but I know the feel in this picture. No idea who the artist is-random tumblr find....

I’m not a fan of Marvel’s Loki- but I know the feel in this picture. No idea who the artist is-random tumblr find..

If there is any theme that runs through my life among people who dislike me it’s been “Be yourself- but not the way you are currently doing it- we hate that.”

I am extraordinarily fortunate that I have found a friend of mine online who can translate contradictory human behavior for me- his name is Steve-  I call him “Smart Steve” to differentiate him from the hundreds of Steve’s I have known and have yet to know.  If I have a question about why life (and people) seem to be so contradictory, I know I can go on facebook and if Steve is on, he will answer my question;  any question.  He’s like my own personal cleverbot- but one with an actual consciousness and conscious…. and his best answer of all is “Don’t worry about what people think- they don’t do it very often.”  Over the past three days, I knew better than to ask him for help- some part knew he couldn’t help.

So, once again- I had found myself in a borderline abusive situation with an authority figure this week- despite protests from my fiancee, I persisted- it’s what I do.  ….and once again, when I could take no more of the abuse, I went to a trusted friend and asked for help.  Gods only know if the place was bugged or the asshole in question was in the next room- but the next thing I know I find I am unwelcomed to yet another place, this time a yoga studio- with another man in his mid-40’s making a screaming jackass of himself as I walk away never to return.

Replay: College
Replay: Childhood

There is a certain gnosis I seem to inspire in insecure men that makes me out to be more than I am….I become, like Loki, a demonized figure who is seen not as a human being, but rather as some sort of vengeful wraith created with the sole intention to vex the person in the position of power.   This person is someone I actually tried my damnedest to befriend. He was supposed to be a close friend of my fiancee’s.  I hand made his family gifts when his child was born, he considered himself a councilor, so I attempted to go  to him with my problems- only to find he was horrendous at giving advice.  I hugged him when he had all the warmth of a Tegu  (Think: unfriendly Gila Monster)

As my teacher, I copied him move for move- only to find that doing so was improper- although I was not informed of this until later.   I always assumed that yoga was a sort of “follow-the-leader” sort of activity, and I am in reasonably decent shape from a life lead of moderate to athletic activity…. How was I supposed to know his flourishes and extra moves were meant to “impress” and were not to be emulated?  My balance sucks, and my thighs are too large to really pretzel myself all that well…. however, I can do diamond push-ups with the best of the men.

But the last straw was he insulted my religion-  Saying he knew more about Heathenry because he spoke Swedish and married a Swede.   Well, okay then.  I used to be able to speak Spanish enough to get by when I lived in Spain- I suppose this means I should be able to make you a paella  from scratch, no?  (I can’t- I hate paella)

…and I sat there and I took it.  I explained Sweden is 90% atheist and that MY religion comes from a mixture of Latvian and Pennsylvania Dutch traditions.  Every answer I gave him angered him.  “Look at your ego,” said he ” You have an answer for Everything.”  said the man who was yelling at me…who also happened to be the ONLY student to appear for his class that day- in the studio he had informed us several times was the “hippest” in town.  (I was only there because my fiancee went there, honestly)

That was three weeks ago-  Last week we were kicking up into handstands…and to my own surprise, I made it.   Against the wall, supported by only my hands- I amazed myself.  I don’t have the greatest balance nor upper arm strength in the world.

The teachers reaction was to scream at the entire class that yoga is not a competition with others, but with the self…. When I was in that handstand, I couldn’t care less what anyone else was doing.  It was my hands- and frankly, I did not care for most of the people in the class all that much anyway after one night I was stalled from departing by two women discussing the virtues of $50 gloves.  (My gloves are bought as needed from the gas station/Wawa/711 when my hands are cold. 14.99 TOPS.)

So anyway,  I was kicked out after I asked a more congenial teacher where else I could find a more open and accepting yoga practice and I explained the behavior of the owner towards me in a non-ad hominem way.  Apparently, this is now known as “shit talking.”  I came home and lit incense and every candle in the house, completely wrecked.  The next 2 days after, my fiancee continued the practice.

Flash back and forward, my fiancee asked me to leave this studio when I was first torn down months before-  but I stayed.  Why?  Because this man was my fiancee’s friend.  In fact, when said man asked what I wanted from him- I answered “friendship”.  To which, he responded “I have no friends, I don’t ‘hang out’ with students”

I replied “I don’t think my fiancee would take that news so well, and it sounds like you live a very lonely life.”

His reply was LIVID….and I can’t remember the exact words, but I remember the anger…and I remember his pride in saying he didn’t tell anyone anything about his life- he just made people think he did.  It struck me as weird as fuck.

Flashbacks after flashbacks, after flashbacks.  the past 3 day have been hell on my psyche.  I have PTSD- and when I am accosted all I can conclude is *I* am the problem.

…I don’t see that a man in his mid 40’s made an ass out of himself, practically foaming at the mouth as he screamed at me outside of the yoga school- after a class he was not even teaching.   Only now am I coming back into myself and into the reality where I am not blaming myself for everything negative in my life.

Yesterday, I was even screaming at Loki  for letting me down- He promised I wouldn’t be hurt again, and there I was hurting and not knowing what I did wrong.  I was told to be myself, but apparently, being myself is “weird”.   According to this self-made yoga guru I am allegedly more “Myself” when I indulge in the idea that I have a chronic illness and find myself in an endless mind-trap that allows for absolutely no joy- but instead unanswerable hypothetical questions no one can answer for me…. that was the only answer of “self” that human accepted of me

“Why did this happen?  What did I do wrong?   All I did was ask for help!  Why am I hurting?  Why isn’t the hurting going away?  Why does it feel like nothing is getting better no matter what I do or think?”  The runes made no sense to me, I felt no deeper sense of connection to the universe, I felt adrift, alone, and frightened that my life as I knew it was ruined.

At which point I took 30mg of Buspar, 300 mg of Seroquel, and 140mg of Valium—– only to fall asleep for 2 entire hours uninterrupted in the middle of the day.  (Yes, those are the correct doses- I am extraordinarily high tolerances to everything since I had severe gynecological problems prior to my hysterectomy that required high doses of Vicodan and Dilaudid to control.)

…and here I still am.  Without knowing the extent of my inner torment, my fiancee first bought me iris’s, then he bought be roses…and then, an aloe plant…his dad even sent me an encouraging text message even though I tried my hardest not to look like anything was wrong with me in front of them.  So when my mind was finished with it’s uncontrolled cycle of pain and insanity I realized that there is nothing that a balding 40-something man with no college degree, and no “friends” can say to him or me that will affect our lives together.   The balding guru said yoga can cure cancer, I have seen him with the flu.

I guess yoga only works on the big stuff.

I had flashbacks of college- of my Sufi professor writing incensed emails when I would finally break from under the strain of his alternate neglect and abuse and ask for help….and he would break me- painfully, with his alternation of words, neglect, and gas-lighting.

…and in asking for help- I became the antagonist.   For the past three days I could not tell really where I was anymore-  Was this Reading, Pa-  or was I back in Moravian dealing with someone I loved who was incapable of loving except when I did exactly as I was told regardless of the personal cost?

Then, this morning, I woke up-  the flashbacks had stopped.  I wasn’t thinking of the yoga studio or Moravian college.   I was here, in bed, with my beautiful fiancee who still loves me.   I still had text messages from the other teacher at the yoga school from the other day where he spent paragraphs writing to me about comic books to make me feel better. I had friends and Ed’s family who cared for me.  I felt like I had finally escaped one negative illusion that seemed inescapable back to reality.  I felt sad, the sense of loss and confusion still- but I did not have the images of the past assaulting my emotions any longer.

I spent three days terrified of that man telling my fiancee lies—-only to learn that in the end, my fiancee loves me enough to not care what ANYONE has to say about me.  That man was not the same man at my college who did, indeed, do that very thing to everyone we mutually knew.

To his credit, the yoga-guru guy said nothing to my fiancee whatsoever.

I don’t really remember much, but at my worst, when I was in such deep pain I was difficult to be around- my fiancee excused himself to go out and buy me flowers.   I can now look around my apartment and see evidence of love everywhere, which would not have been so if the chaos did not occur.

Do I want anything like this to happen again: ABSOLUTELY NOT! But, we survived it, and Ed’s still asleep peacefully with his hand on my leg and his other hand at my hip.   My PTSD is likely not going to disappear soon, and all the wishing in the world will not make it go away—but now I have the reassurance that even at my worst, my love and the best parts of my life will not disappear forever when I get lost in my flashbacks.

In my opinion, Loki is not a God of chaos- but rather the one who understands it.  Loki’s actions are premeditated, and even in the worst case scenario, when it seems like nothing will ever return to normal again;  a Lokian will find things to be better than they were in the first place when the dust settles.

As for yelling at Loki as a Lokian?  Of all the Gods of the pantheon-  He and Odin would be the most used to it…..and Loki, the most forgiving considering people yell at him for far worse things all the time.   He doesn’t lash back, He doesn’t fight, He might say a cutting remark at worst, but mostly, He weathers all storms and keeps His promises….and from my best estimation- understands instead of making things worse.

When I was destroyed by my experience in college He promised I wouldn’t be hurt again….  I have PTSD.  He said nothing about being able to take away the pain of remembering or being reminded of my past.   The pain I felt this weeks wasn’t a new thing- it was a reminder of an old situation, and out of that situation, once I was sane and stable- Loki gave me a rose to let me know I would be protected so I would not be left alone again.  Now, in this particular situation  I look around me and I see a vase full of Irises in my favorite blue, a aloe plant, and an entire miniature rose bush filled with bright red rosebuds….and I realize that I am going to be all right.

Furthermore, all I want to do is just hold my fiancee and give him anything and everything I can for the rest of my life, because I love him, he deserves it, and out of all the gifts I have been given by the Gods- my fiancee is the very best of them all.

…and maybe next time I’ll be bright enough to listen when Ed tells me I need to save myself and go elsewhere if where I am doesn’t fit.   In fact, I think this week I might even have the courage to ask for a new therapist.  My previous one who helped immensely does not take my insurance, but my new one has done me no favors.

A good therapist is better than any yoga studio anyway- and covered by insurance.  I’m sure the $85 I’m saving can be put to better use elsewhere.

I can now think clearly again, I didn’t need to ask more questions that had no answers.  The episode is over.(…but now I’m out of Valium.)  From the place where we bought the aloe plant we picked up a few tootsie rolls to put at the feet of Loki-   a thank you for the end of madness.