Archive for Madness

Time Theory, Heathenry, and Past Suffering

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2013 by Tyrienne

AA036979Of all the religions I have come into contact with during the course of my studies, to me, Buddhism is the most incomprehensible and at opposition with my beliefs and experience.  Please, don’t take this to mean I hate Buddhists, quite the opposite, I married a Shaolin monk for Christ’s sake- and I have been fortunate enough to meet many excellent Buddhist (or half Buddhists) over the years that have shown me the religion itself may actually be more full of kind, considerate people than any other… my favorite advisor in college was half Buddhist as well, and often, he was the best person to speak to when everything in my life was crashing down around me.  Buddhism is the belief there is no moment except for the present moment- the past is a memory, the future can only be inferred.  By living in the present moment we free ourselves from attachment to both the pains and joys of the past and also of anticipation for the future, striving, instead, to live within the present moment
One of those things that haunts me is my physical knowledge of time theory.  Picture a train, if you will- you are standing in front of one window of that train so you can see within the cabin- because you entire view of the train is limited to just seeing inside one window of the cabin, you can neither see the engine nor the caboose.
However, I want you now to picture a mountain, at the bottom of this mountain is the same train- only now from your vantage point you not only can see the train, but all the tracks, the surrounding countryside, and the entire route of the object from beginning to end.   This is time theory.  The idea that time is not linear, but rather all existent in one plane all at once (the 4th dimension) however, we can only perceive the smallest portion of it due to the lack of our perception.  However, even in the analogy of the train we find that we are dealing with two forms of perception-  Grand (Macro) or vague perception, and small (Micro) or specific perception.  From the top of the mountain, we cannot see within the cabin of the train without limit our perception of the rest of reality with a set of binoculars, nor can we perceive from the base of the mountain at the train station without similar means.

To me, this is why Sufism is such an intellectually accessible religion; in Sufism, instead of a train we have a book- some grand book that encompasses all that ever was and is to be, however, we live page by page and do not get to see this book until, MAYBE, our deaths should we have lived our lives in accordance to certain humane principles and ideals such as honesty, hospitality, charity, prayer, fasting, pilgrimage, etc.   Instead of the “Now” centeredness of Buddhism, in Sufism, we have focus on the future, and that all deeds performed in the present are entirely in preparation for some perhaps unattainable future goal.

Heathenism, surprisingly enough, appears to be unique in lacking a present focus in favor of both past and future- our rituals are focused on the values and accomplishments of our ancestors, where our deeds are meant to sow the seeds for the future- making us rather cross-eyed in the present as an entirety of a people.   This makes perfect sense to me, having PTSD because I feel the affects of the actions of myself and others from the past vividly daily in the form of flashbacks; however, I also strive to live a pure and honorable life in the present- which is actually made easier by being Lokean/Tyrian rather than more difficult because both my nature of being Lokean and my Tyrian ethics keep my circle of people I interact with commonly small either out of fear of me or by my repulsion of them.   I love Heathenry because there is no credo of accepting “everyone” there are people who are not worthy of my time or presence, and also, there are people who receive no benefit from my existence either.   This truth is missing from other world religions- this is not to say to be inhospitable- far from that, however, after introductions are made and the nature of the person is assessed; we are given the choice to either continue to allow them to affect our wyrd or orlogg (which I will spell every imaginable way in this post) or to avoid them.   9 out of 10 times my choice is avoidance- humans lie, they cheat, they abuse others and they do not care about the consequences of their selfishness- they intentionally inflict pain and act with cruelty then justify their actions by claiming to be part of some sub culture or another, or worse, their Godly nature allows for certain breaches.   In my case, the pain and damage I cause is by being a truth-teller…. not exactly the sort of person you want at your parties, and worse, I am a truth teller with a selective memory so that whatever is unimportant falls through like a sieve where the things that “stick” nag at me for months until they are released via this blog into the open so I can remove the metaphorical itching of witnessing the pains caused by others- how they can act in ways I personally find appalling and would never commit myself and yet, people avoid that elephant in the room with our still-puritanical politeness of decades of Christian indoctrination into our American culture.

Until “Hey, you’re an asshole.” is as acceptable now as it was back in some indeterminate ancestral halcyon time we all seem to claim- the Lokean and the Tyrians will continue to be the least desirable among all Heathens to share a horn with- Lokean truth is seen as disruptive- and outside of leadership roles, the judgements of those who follow Tyr come across as overly harsh an insensitive- if not Neanderthalic in black/white reasoning of what constitutes the good and the bad- the line is clear.    (Which should be to be expected considering records of Tyr predate records of Woten by at least 6000 years, according to Wikipedia)  With Tyr, the line is clear- cheating is always “bad”, whereas being initially hospitable to all people upon first meeting them is “good” until they are proven unworthy of it…should they prove unworthy, they are to be avoided until sufficient progress is made on the part of the offending party to make amends; but more often then not- the severing of ties is permanent- for the more you beg, the more pathetic and useless you are viewed so reconciliation cannot be “bought”; but must be proven by inherent worth to the community at large to once again regain favor…if then.   (Anton LeVay and Tyr would have an interesting relationship, for instance- for where their ideologies meet- they meet exactly, but where they differ, there could not be more extreme differences in point of view….worth a different post, perhaps)

So, anyway back to time theory.  So here we have the proof of physicist and philosophers that time is merely an a-priori perception of the mind, that we cannot see more than three pieces of the puzzle called “life” at a time, and those pieces we have labeled our “past, present, and future”.  The Buddhist is to sit on the piece that is “present” and ignore all else; the Sufi is to discard the past, use the present, keep their eyes on the future for a pleasant afterlife (all monotheistic faiths are similar in this regard), and the Heathen falls into the the trap of ignoring the present moment being stuck with one foot in the past and the other focused on the future- lending ourselves to a faith that is overall confused on a National and International level as those who favor the past are called “Folkish” and those who look forwards almost to the exclusion of the past are labeled “Universalists”  However, in both sets of Heathen practice we find that it is commonly believed that our present actions, especially during sumbel/blot/ritual are timeless and can positively affect the luck/wyrd/oorlog of the past and that of our ancestors by how well we live our lives this moment.

If I were to take my troubled mind out of the equation of my life, I lead an exceptionally blessed existence,  I have a handsome and loving husband, I not only do not have to work, but I am not permitted to on account of illness, I am free, I am well provided for, have companionship of good animals and people- and even a few reliable, honorable family members I can relate to.  However, my mental condition consistently traps me in past experiences and hurts me relentlessly- I am not haunted so much by things I did or did not do-thankfully, I live a life with few regrets, however, I am haunted by lack of proper foresight in those past situations that allowed for my life to spin wildly out of control as I could not step out of the way in time of the train bearing down on the tracks.  Metaphorically speaking, I have been hit by several trains-  lesson learned is to stop playing on the tracks- which, for the most part I have.  If “playing on the the tracks” is interacting with unstable people, then after 31 years of experience, I have finally learned to determine that everyone is unstable to a degree and that the only people worth interacting with are the ones who can fully embrace their own madness with honesty-(throw decorum out the window, please.)   The harder we strive to hide our inner chaos and madness, the harder it bears down upon us and those in our lives- to the point at which some people will even sacrifice innocent peoples lives and reputations to maintain their own facades of dignity and faux-decorum.  This is called gas-lighting, and is often employed by narcissists and sociopaths.  Be very, very careful about the person who desires recognition, fame, money, or achievement- often, that is indicative of a sickness that can drown and maim even the strongest of men around them; in the pursuit of such meaningless accomplishments or feats- integrity and honor often fall by the wayside as other needs are not met and vices are procured to fulfill the inner emptyness that a life set on these things creates.  The vacuum of loss of friends as time is devoted to putting resources together to appear more impressive in exchange for false friends who only serve to boost the ego- making those who speak of moderation into the enemy.   I abhor the person who seeks grandeur for its own sake- but love the quietness of the footsteps of the person who achieves notoriety for doing good deeds for their own sake without any desire for recognition.

I write a great deal, I think, but I don’t make money off of this blog-  I do it as part of an oath I made with Tyr and by extension Loki to prove that Loki and Lokeans are human beings, not to be categorized and dismissed out of hand- just as Loki is not to be dismissed out of hand. In this journal I have shared and will continue to share my personal experiences publicly- I have nothing to hide.  I will show my prejudices- my strengths, and my short comings- but as time passes, my “public” experience of the community becomes less as I draw my shades and focus more exclusively my own life and that of my husband.  When I began this blog, I was very much “in” the community and a consistent attender of events all over- but now, I am much more content to stay home more days often than not and enjoy the company of my new husband.  Some places have rejected us, other places we have rejected- and honestly- it’s about 50/50 as to which is which- even still, we have more invitations than we expect between the two of us, and I have more reception to this blog than I anticipated.  However, Tyr never gave me a timeline here so I have no idea if this is a “forever” thing or if one day I get to ditch this format in favor of a new chapter with a different URL where I just get to go back to simple, personal journalism once more…where I am not intentionally putting the gross details of my life out there for everyone to see.

So, anyway- the solution I have found to my present dilemma came from therapy, I am involved in something called EMDR where I am supposed to remove the emotions from the negative memories and be able to contain them away from my psyche- the only possible way this can be accomplished for me (and apparently, for most with my condition) is to focus on the living conditions of the present moment rather than the traumatic episodes of the past.   In my case, I spend a great deal of time focusing on the time I get to share with Eddie.  From the view of time theory, and from Heathenry, the reason why my life is so good at this present moment is BECAUSE I have already paid the price for it with my past.   Ed found me through another journal I used to write, and without writing we would not have our marriage.  Without keeping record online of everything I have experienced from my life in Spain to College to my poetry- I would have no record of my past except for negative memories.  However, if I take a more Buddhist approach and focus entirely on the ethic of the present moment, then I realize the need for productiveness and the sharing of my personal revelations.

Without writing, I would feel much more guilty about having such an easy life now-  I would feel more lonely, and I would feel purposeless.  If not a single person reads this blog but my husband- I am fine with that.   However, since I know that is not the case let me tie all the loose ends together into a format that makes this coherent to the rest of those who read my rambling thoughts…

PTSD- (Tyr is likely the God most accustomed to it outside the Rokkr), forces one to live in the past-  however, the past is not detached from the present or future.  The “present” is simply a term for the point of view or perspective we hold on our lives at the present moment, or what “eyes” we use to view our lives-  are we viewing remotely or intimately?  Do we look at the greater picture or the minute details of our daily experiences, (if we pay attention to our daily experiences at all…?)

The view from the mountain is lovely, but we miss detail- and although the details of the train are captivating, if we are standing on the tracks to look in the window of one train, anticipating boarding it, we risk being run down by another on a faster track if we do not watch where we place our feet.

The solution is mindfulness- the ability to live, right now, and in the present- to not focus on anticipation or to dwell in regrets OR past glory.   If life is good RIGHT NOW- then it is fair to say you earned the right to that goodness.   If your life RIGHT NOW is chaos, then it is fair to say that you have been negligent and the sum of that negligence is insecurity.   When I look at the times of my life when things were at their worst, it has meant one of two things:

1. This is only a test- make it through this and things will get better.
2. I have ignored all the warning signs and gone “my own way” despite the advice of those wiser than I, leading me into untenable situations…. to get out, I need to extract myself carefully, live ethically, and all will be okay in the eventual future.

Whether or not I am “Okay” at this time is dependent on my state of mind; always, I am materialistically okay; but I have been homeless, lived in an unfinished concrete and drywall room with nothing more than a spare lightbulb- or by the charity of strangers for food and the roof over my head.   I got through those times by a great deal of prayer, sacrifice (including my entire altar to a lake at one point- 15 years of my life- given to four cardinal directions of water)  It took patience, it took waiting. suffering, and asking for help, even when asking for help meant becoming estranged from those I cared for (who, I had to accept, were NOT helping).  It was a matter of putting aside my pride and TALKING both in writing and out loud about what was happening and had happened…. realizing that as long as I use my voice, as long as there is a record of my thoughts and my writings, then it’s a lot easier to clear up misunderstandings, and MUCH harder for people to lie about who I am and where I stand for their own personal gain.

Writing in journals like this has saved my life, my degrees, and my reputation in some regards- everything I write is honest to the best of my perceptions, and keeping records of what I have thought, said, and believed shows a progression.  No one person is supposed to stay stagnant, and, ideally, my favorite people are the ones who admit to striving to learn something new, experience something new, or do something to further their intellectual and spiritual growth daily- even if it just means watching a movie they have never seen before on Netflix or taking a new way home from work.

Time theory at one time lead me to an institution for 10 days, because my life was so fucked up I couldn’t understand why and how if there is no “reality of serial time” that I could suffer so miserably at that moment.   I suffered because either I was either not living in the present and mourning the past too acutely, or that I could not see the larger picture that time had to offer- the Heathen way- that perhaps I brought it on myself by not being as Tyrian (honest) as I should have been, and in lying to save another person, I had ruined my own Wyrd for that moment.

My life improved when I stopped trying so hard to protect a man not worth my protection, by bringing Tyr’s influence back into my life into a place of prominence where I could once again claim with honesty I was no liar.  It involved a great deal of pain; and still, my honesty causes me loss of friends- however, I have lived the other way. I have lied for who I thought was a friend and almost lost my literal life over it….by placing the needs of a narcissist above my own without the consciousness of realizing I was doing so.  I was told by Loki to protect my professor, and I did.  I saved his life by speaking up and preventing him from being assassinated in Turkey.  My responsibility was not to lie for him to cover up why he was not properly doing his job, nor was it to lie to make him appear better than me and disgracing myself in favor of his reputation when he was the one who was behind on our joint work, not I.

Should I have listened to my inner instincts, I would have known lying at all is never the correct solution to anything at all- and even with the best of intentions, one lie can damage the Wyrd severely.

Kant was wrong in that regard, bad actions with good intentions still lead to ultimately negative outcomes.  Furthermore, there is no such thing as a negative intention- there is reactionary intentions, sure.  But few set out intentionally to cause harm without reason or purpose.  With that being said, if the action is good, the result will likely follow to be good as well.

Be productive
Be Honest
Live in the present
See life from both the micro and macro perspectives
Be frithful
and be grateful and happy for what you have been blessed with.

…and if you can’t bear to raise the horn to Loki- raise it to Woten.  Loki gets some of that honor anyway.
…and if you cannot raise the horn to Tyr in good conscious, realize you fucked up massively in life and need to do some serious self assessment.



June 6, 2012 to present. For Loki.

Posted in About me, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , on July 21, 2013 by Tyrienne

I don’t remember walking in, but I remember being carted out; strapped to the gurney, I cried and the EMT held my hand and promised to undo the straps as soon as no one could see us, only leaving one remaining- the one on my waist- as he told me about his wife, his move from Florida to Pennsylvania- and anything else that would distract me from looking out the back window during the hour drive south.  They let me walk in- I somehow managed to pack my red bag with the right clothes- I don’t remember doing it
I had the same intake doctor as before.  He asked me about my studies of Muhammad Iqbal, and of Rumi once again- and I broke down. I just asked him for one thing:  Give me the same doctor I had before; the head doctor- the only one who would believe me- request granted.  But they would not give me the same nurses as before.
I went directly to my room- my brother had bought me all three books of “The Hunger Games,”  and my roommate was quiet and from Eastern Europe- brought in by her own mother when she would not disclose why she would no longer speak.  To me, she said, she had just ended a secret affair with a woman.  Her husband didn’t know- and since she was not there on her own volition, anything she said could be disclosed to her family.

In the morning, they asked for blood, I sat in the chair- and the rubber around my upper arm caused me to panic-  I felt trapped to the chair again, I closed my eyes, the phlebotomist was incompetent.  I met with Dr. C…. I listed off every single method one can kill themselves in under 15 minutes (the amount of time between being “checked on”)

“Is that really the best use of your intelligence you can think of?”  He sighed.  “You know, I told you if you kept going you would end up back here- but there isn’t much we can do for you except keep you as safe as we can for a little while.  What do you want?”

I wanted to erase the past three years…. I wanted the police borough that held me for 5 hours handcuffed to a chair to burn down,  I wanted the past 2 years erased from my memory.  I wanted to forget how to speak Farsi.  I wanted to be left alone, I wanted to be held, I wanted to die.

Instead, I said- “I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.”

He replied:  “Well, the same offer is on the table as last time…. Look- I can divide C-PTSD and make each symptom a separate diagnosis.  Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Severe Depression, Agoraphobia, Delusional disorder, non specified.”

“I’m not delusional.”

“Flashbacks are delusions.”

I always look people directly in the eyes- the opposite of most of my friends and family.  I don’t think I blinked.

“So, then what happens?”

“You take a break.  You stay in treatment- you stop applying to graduate schools for now and concentrate on getting better… If you don’t, you will keep ending up back here.  You know what’s wrong with you, I know what’s wrong with you- and we can’t do anything for you except give you a safe place to be for a while.”  He repeated.

“What if I never feel safe again?  Am I here forever?”

“Insurance wouldn’t take kindly to that.”


“When do I get to have a life again?”

“When you stop making decisions based on how you want to die rather than on how you want to live- Graduate school in Tehran was a ridiculous idea and you know it…. when your medical team can come to a consensus that you are healthy enough.”

“They rejected me anyway… after the Canadian embassy was sacked, they said it was unsafe for an American woman to enter any of their programs at this time.”

“So, then- go to group when you can- do what you usually do. At least out of everyone here I know you know how to keep yourself occupied.  Worry about the police thing later- I know it seems impossible- but try not to think on it too much.”

So, I went back to my room- the mattress creaked of plastic- I already knew how to steal extra blankets.  The weather outside was warm enough to spend an hour a day in the sunlight- I read all three books quickly and passed them on to other patients.

I listened to other people’s stories- I played and read cards.  Who was in and out is a blur-  after your third visit, you can’t recall who you met each time.   At night, I would pace the hallways until the sleeping pills worked.  I would wake up with the sun, cover my head with my stolen pillows from the released patients, and wait until 9am.   I sat through tediously boring sessions.  Dr. C would see me once a day and occasionally ask me, out of curiousity, what *I* would diagnose a new comer.   I was getting good at it by now- after 20+ cumulative days of three different visits- you can almost detect the patterns immediately.

The Borderline, The Bipolar, PTSD, Depression, Schizophrenia, OCD, Anorexia Nervousa- and the combinations of conditions.   The Schizophrenics would undergo swan-like transformations from raving lunatics to articulate, intelligent geniuses in a matter of days.   The borderlines would stay exactly the same- the center of attention- telling elaborate stories of their suicide attempts like one would speak about their time elected as prom queen.

This time, I had a Hamaval- I met a Swede who I lent it to, “This is a REAL religion- the Norse Gods are Real?”
I told him, to the best of my knowledge, they were- but hey, I was in here too- how much could you really trust what I believe?

After three days I noticed a pattern… despite auxiliary conditions- everyone in the ward this time was in for the exact same reason.  Each person had JUST suffered abuse at the hands of another, or several other, people.

The group sessions were centered on identifying how not to become re-victimized, the traits of sociopathy/psychopathy and how to identify them and avoid their webs.  One man was told to break up with the woman who held a knife to his throat three days before- he was in his 40’s and sat against the wall with his head in his hands, shivering.  I gave him my sweatshirt and asked him to keep it.  It was June, the air conditioner was malfunctioning and I raided the lost and found for warmer clothing.

A young man with Asperger’s gave me his shirt in exchange; his marriage at 22 was collapsing and he had the blue medical band wrapped around one wrist tightly that proclaimed he had second thoughts halfway up his arm.

A retired chemist with MS and I spent a great deal of time talking about Kevorkian….and the idiocy of how they would show a ward of almost-suicides a video about a man who wanted to row his boat into the middle of the ocean, hang off the side by one hand, and shoot himself.  A perfect, clean kill.

She wrung her hands…. “I just don’t know if my body would let me row far enough out for it to work for me- and my fingers.  And what if the gun got wet if the sea wasn’t calm?”  I suggested a dowel rod threaded into the trigger, a plastic bag to house the gun, and an outboard motor- rowing was unnecessary, and it wasn’t like she would have to worry about returning the boat.  Her laugh sounded like a cough.

My father visited and brought pizza- my best friend and my brother and sister in law took turns visiting.  A local folkbuilder and some friends made a trip out to see me.  On the phone I heard my friend Al’s voice for the first time in the 12 years I had known him from the think tank we had both been in when I was younger.

On the day I was released, my grandfather called me telling me I “had an imaginary condition, I couldn’t have PTSD- I was no soldier, it wasn’t “real” like a heart condition.  I would have done the family a favor by killing myself as opposed to shaming the family with my voluntary commitment.”

When I came home, I was in the process of moving from the woods to the city.  I had a guy I was dating casually (I never see more than one person at a time) who packed most of my things for me (not that I own much) out of machismo and I rented a room to wait out the next few months.   I stayed confined to that room for the most part, leaving only to use the bathroom or to eat when my roommate was not home.  I began to run out of food- because I did not wish to drive despite the grocery store being less than a mile from home.   On occasion, I could be coaxed to reading or to visit my brother or the boyfriend at the time- driving behind elderly drivers, tractor trailers, and older cars than my own.

Another friend became incredibly jealous and psychotic- spreading lies about the two of us- and I cut him out of my life without mercy.   The romantic relationship with my now ex-boyfriend at the time ended congenially by the end of June on account of irreconcilable political differences.  We’re still friends.

In July, there was a beautiful young redhead with bright teal blue eyes in Reading interested in me- but he was a little young, I thought, until he disclosed he was actually 29.

I had put him off for three months at this point and I agreed to meet him at Freyfaxi- July 28th.  I dressed up for the occasion, and oddly enough, as did he- in a kilt.  The relationship started immediately, much to the happiness of some and consternation of others.

Within a week, I had a dream-  I was in philosophy class but the teacher had red hair-  the test was wrong, the questions were on mico-biology and I was woefully unprepared.   I woke up, fell asleep again….the same teacher with the red hair was now gym teacher or some sort of sports coach….he wore a red and white track suit, his bright hair neatly slicked back and his face sported a perfect goatee.  He offered me candy, flavored tootsie rolls to be exact, and he seemed to be nervously happy that I wasn’t afraid of him.

“Most people don’t like me much these days,” he said.

I replied, “I don’t understand why not, you seem nice enough to me- are you nice?”

“I try to be- but it doesn’t always turn out for the best sometimes.” he looked down and smiled sadly.

“That can be said for anyone, don’t be so hard on yourself.  Kant would approve at least…he says that it’s the intention that counts.”

“Yes, but you also think that Kant is an asshole.” he smiled again, and teased at me a little- I can’t remember if he poked me or flipped my hair- something of that sort.

I woke up again, flipped the pillow over to the cool side, and passed out a third time.  My windows were dark with a tapestry- I stayed up late and woke even later most days.

This time, the same man met me in front of the statue of John Comenius in front of my old college.  There were no cars on either side of the road- and this time, he was dressed in a long black coat, dark jeans, boots, and a white shirt.  His hair was the same- tied back into a short ponytail and he asked me to sit next to him.  I had met him 3 years before in a dream- where he taught English and was Heathen- and told me to protect my mentor at the time…. the situation ended catastrophically- with the grand finale the 5 hour long interrogation by local police, handcuffed to a chair, as I was broken.

The red-haired man apologized. “I didn’t expect things to turn out this way-  I can see many things, but I can’t see everything- I can be many places, but I cannot be everywhere.  I honestly thought you would be fine.  Better than fine.  I am so sorry.”

Sometime during this conversation I said “So, you aren’t Bragi, are you?”- and he smirked despite seeming rather defeated looking overall.

“Look, I promise you- I will make this right.  I will protect you, and I will give you Eddie to protect you on Midgard- and this is my promise to you.”

From inside his coat, he pulled out a perfect red rose on fire with bright flames but did not burn.  I touched the petals with my fingers and felt only coolness, as if the flames were made of wind and breezes rather than fire.

He had his arm around me, protectively, like an older brother as I held the rose-  he looked forward into the distance with his green eyes at things I could not see and seemed to be paying close attention to countless things and thoughts I could not perceive.  I kept looking at the rose and I quietly thanked Him for everything.  I knew it wasn’t His fault, and I told him so.

He complimented me for my grace and understanding.

I shrugged.

How could I hold someone accountable for the free will of humans to do wretched things with deliberate purpose?

Not even a God can control a man, much less more than one whose only intentions and motivations were to cause irrevocable harm….

Right now, I am trying to learn how not  to blame myself for being too naive at the time to know otherwise, either.

This was my flashback today-  I rode it out, and it lead me back to Loki.  I feel better for writing this, and between His concern and the guidance of Tyr in particular I am in a much better place than I was a year ago.

Freyfaxi is Sunday- and I will be marrying that beautiful redhead for real- not just the stupid court thing, but the real thing, by Braucher and Universalist Pastor….and Loki’s statue will be on the altar. (among others)

On Disgrace

Posted in About me, Justice with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 9, 2013 by Tyrienne

A wolf and his God…. (artist unknown)

Disgrace-  two words  “Dis” indicating the negative, and “grace”- that which is benevolent and flowing.  To dis-grace is to go against the benevolent, the flowing, the beautiful if you want to be poetic.

I love reading the posts of my Lokian mystic compatriot Myriad in Germany- her words always always serve as an excellent kick start for what I wish to say allowing me to organize my thought processes a little more coherently to share with the public at large.

Yesterday, I lit candles for both Loki and Odin, only to extinguish them minutes later…. I was angry, I realized-  I was having flashbacks again… a domino effect of every terrible moment experienced in the last several years- the loss of my grandparents as they called me a “disgrace” for committing myself for  psychiatric help, the love letters from a professor that were used to manipulate me for months, being the dirty secret of my ex-fiancee after he found out his ex was pregnant with his child, intentionally, knowing they were breaking up.  The people who betrayed my fiancee and blamed me for their own selfish intentions.   Then, add in entire communities worth of people- like small packs of wild dogs who tear at me and my reputation- to the point where I have learned that reputation cannot be such an important thing since it is fragile enough for any liar to create any story to smash it like a snowflake made of thin glass.

I searched my old email address yesterday for over 400 letters that were exchanged between myself and a man writing under an alias- I gave up, I was going to forward them to a friend of mine to “clear my name” with his father who ran the department in my old college….only to find that apparently during another episode of flashbacks I had deleted them all well over a month ago.   Copies still exist-my psychologist has some, the guidance office, the deans, as well as the last letters posted publicly in my old journal as a “cease and desist” when I desired no further communication.

But then, what purpose would it serve?  Clearing my name is great, but at what price?   I am strong enough to recognize sickness in others- and I realized I don’t have the strength (or weakness) for vengeance.   My friend made it through his last year of college without coming to harm, and our friendship is still intact despite what his father thinks.  Isn’t that enough?

I found myself in an argument two days ago with a friend of mine I see as vastly more intelligent than I am- however- his only flaw lies in his absolute disgust with any of the LBGTQ movement.   When I was a child, I wished to be a boy- I dressed up in my superhero pajamas’s and tried to make a zipline from my “rainbow brite” canopy bed to my high bookshelf- I refused dresses, I wasn’t nurturing, I wanted to jump from the top of the playground equipment and roar like a wildcat chasing, and outrunning others- wanting to be the best boy who was not a boy….to the point of arguing with the gym teacher to teach me to throw a spiral football rather than learn field hockey.  Back in the day, that was considered “disgraceful”- and I was put into therapy where they attempted to force me to play with dolls, fix my hair with lace barrettes, and other female-approved activities.

I indicated to my friend that the dissolution of gender roles has been one of the few boons I have experienced in life; thinking as a child I would have to get massive surgeries to change my gender as I got older- only to reach my 30’s and realize that I am perfectly fine expressing my natural personality in a female body without the fear of repercussions that existed even through the 1980’s of what defines male vs. female.  I learned in Anthropology classes in my late teenage years that what is expected of gender roles changes from culture to culture, decade to decade.  In my late 20’s, I learned that if I were born in Iran- gender reassignment surgery would have been free- rendering the argument my one professor posed against me moot.  “You would survive five minutes if you were born in Iran.”  No, I would have thrived- I would have taken Ahmadinejad’s  offer at the age of consent and RAN with it….and would be living as a man by 21- uncovered, free, and likely on my way to the life of either a mystic or a scholar.

So, what is disgrace?  Going against what is commonly considered “acceptable”- here, I have never NOT been in disgrace by some person, group, or family member no matter how I look at it- which is likely why Loki turned out to be one of my most steadfast of influences on me today.  Eventually, one becomes immune to the vast majority of the opinions of others- I did years ago, barring the opinions of those who are very closest to me.  I keep consistent friendships that last for decades….and for every person who disparages me, there seem to be at least one or two people who respect me, or at very least, find my writings insightful.

The hardest truth I am learning to come to terms with is that one who is prone to telling lies can say ANYTHING.   My mother was an atrocious human being to the point of which I cut off all contact with her nearly a decade ago- and the one thing that stands out most in my abusive childhood is the constant, unrelenting screaming of being called a “liar”- by a schizophrenic who would punish me until I told her what she believed was “truth”…. basically meaning I would have to lie to avoid further punishments.  That altered me so fundamentally that in my adult years I have become transparent.   If I have skeletons in my closet- the closet has an open door and they party in my living room.

I am a disgrace-  But I am an honest one.

I can tell you I slept with my ex-fiancee the day before I “officially” broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 6 years….despite the fact that I told the man I was going to Canada specifically to explore that relationship possibility and that our relationship had already fallen into abusive ruin.  Does that make me “officially” a cheater despite the fact that I told the man I was with our relationship was not working to the point of misery months before I left and that I was going to Canada EXPRESSLY to explore if I was in love with someone else?

I can tell you I outright LIED to save the reputation of the faculty member I mentioned above for the first two years of knowing him….people would ask me where he was, why things weren’t turned in on time, and what he was doing and I played dumb.  I did this because I was told to protect him.  I learned later that in such “protection” I likely harmed the man by enabling the self depreciating behaviors and lack of spirituality on his part that lead to the demise of our working relationship and friendship.  I predicted my youngest friend would be the next person to become his “confidant”-and he did- but to my immense relief, not anywhere close to the sick, twisted interactions I had with the that professor.

He was the only person I would lie for- and I learned again that lying gets me nowhere….  what would have happened if I had allowed him to be held accountable for his actions his first year of employment?  I overheard everything others said about him, and dutifully reported all that was said back to him- he might not have lasted his first year; he was unreliable, unpredictable, and uninvolved.  I was told to “protect” him, and I did, I saved his life once….but I was NEVER told to sacrifice my own morality and sense of honor and honesty on his behalf-which is my regret.

Now, for what?  A year without breath as I worried myself sick for my young friend who I feared would become a new target… I was right and I was wrong.  My friend was not harmed, to my immense relief;   Just a simple, intelligent, and  insecure young man feeding an older, intelligent, insecure man admiration for his thoughts-nothing more; and to his credit- I was not even brought up in conversation or gaslit as I thought I would be.

There is a difference between sickness and sociopathy…. and I derived a small comfort that both these people, one of which I still care about profoundly and the other I used to care for as well found mutual support without any of the apparent disease associated when I was in a similar position.

However, I have also learned that in speaking truth, there is consequences; especially regarding the actions of others.  There are times where I feel morally responsible to bring wrong-doing to light- and in each instance it causes extraordinary discomfort for the parties involved- leading to, most cases, lies on their end to try and recover that elephant in the room.   I told an open hall outright that the local AFA leader asked my fiancee to “represent” the organization by telling him which Gods he may or may not hail.   I told the kinsbrother of a situation of oathbreaking  in his own kindred involving three members- after several months of allowing them the chance to do so themselves.   Why did I do the latter?  Because I was drunk and it actually mentally hurt to keep it a secret when it affected the wyrd of her group so profoundly since I could put myself in my friends’ shoes….knowing I would want to know if I were him.

It has lead me to pull away from the community at large and simply focus on Freyja’s Hall exclusively and on my writing.

If you want to call me a disgrace, here is the ammunition you need:

– I am mentally ill with C-PTSD which causes daily, insufferable flashbacks.
– I am collecting disability
– I am non-cisgender- the more I dress like a “lady” the more I feel like Mrs. Doubtfire-  Every day is Halloween to me- the more feminine the outfit- the more drag I feel.
– I support our troops with all my heart, but do not condone most of the actions of my government.  I fear my government.
-I had my license suspended for two months (currently) because I had a flat tire- was interrogated for 5 hours, and my blood test revealed that my “standard” dose of anti-anxiety medications is several times higher than what is considered normal.
-I have committed myself to psychiatric hospitals three times- I do not regret it.
-I have had at least 3 unsuccessful suicide attempts (likely more, but the memory is hazy)- including being pulled off a bridge in Saskatoon… each time was because I was harmed unfairly by another so badly I felt I was too flawed to continue existing.
– I worship Allah and have several Islamic tattoos (which is heresy, btw)
– I believe that Islam has been hijacked in the name of violence in the same way Christianity was for the crusades and inquisition.  Neither of which are real religions anymore.
– I don’t follow ANY religion anymore- I am not Asatru, and I am not Muslim. I have learned that religions are simply a way of creating packs of wild dogs who bark and fight with one another; Instead- I walk my own path- which is a combination of shamanism, sufism, panpaganism, and heathenry.
-However, I also understand there are beings more powerful than I and less powerful than He- meaning I also adore Loki, Tyr, Odin, Inari, Inanna, Hanuman, and others who have come to me in my dreams and meditations as teachers, guides, leaders, and friends…and I have even more tattoos indicating this.
-I want our government to cease all violent overseas activity.
-I want our currency to be backed by a metal standard.
-I believe forming exclusive “survivalist” groups is hysterical; you are making yourselves into human targets and/or scapegoats for future atrocities.
-I no longer vote- since I realized my vote means nothing and that both parties are owned by the same corporations.
-I believe whole-heartedly in marijuana as a viable painkiller/anti anxiety drug (though I do not smoke currently for fear of my government, despite the fact that it helped me immensely with my symptoms when I did.)
-I believe in premarital sex and the right to have an abortion and all humans the right to choose to be voluntarily sterilized. ( I have a hysterectomy, much of my gender issues resolved themselves after I stopped having periods.)
-I do not endorse or support the enslavement, subjugation, or servitude of any human to any other human- including sexually, academically, or spiritually. (To serve the Gods are a different matter entirely.)
–If you willingly allow yourself to come to harm by your own recognizance or be subjugated by another- you are weak and to be pitied; I feel compassion for you, but I do not condone your choices.
– I look at the world today and consider anyone who works for another human being as an indentured wage slave….regardless of how nice the compensation is.  Back in the old South, House Slaves were given better treatment than field slaves… however, neither were free.
-If I ran the world, it would be a limited geniocracy- like ancient Athens but lacking the gender discrimination… however, with the exclusion of those who exhibit sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies.  Alternatively, a society ruled by the kind and courageous.
– I do not believe gender is anymore important in today’s society than eye color. We already have too many people.
-I believe in kindness towards everyone until they have taken explicit action to directly harm you.
– I believe you cannot be harmed by any “bad magic” if you are truly innocent.
– I feel no guilt in directing negative intention to those who have intentionally harmed me, and I derive pleasure at their suffering. – – -Schadenfreude is my favorite word in German.
– I believe the universe is fair, but humans are not…. the Gods do not make our lives shitty, people do.
– I do not believe money is a “good” thing, I do not believe seeking riches is an admirable goal- I would rather be poor and kind than rich and selfish.
– If I have the money, I will give it to those who need it more than myself…. to my detriment.
– I feel if a person is wealthy and does not give most of their wealth to charity then they are poor in ethics and spirituality.
(My grandparents would literally give me hundreds of dollars when I was already wealthy- but disowned me when I was poor and sick.  This made me realize that they are not good people….they would also kill neighborhood cats and dogs that “annoyed” them)
– There is no such thing as a Good person who “dislikes” and/or is avoided by animals.
– I do not believe in race….but every culture has it’s own special brand of asshole.
– I understand that the “Aryan Race” is bullshit-  “Aryan” is a cognate of “Iran” and “Caucasian” comes from the Caucus mountains in Iran and Turkey.  Every person I see promoting Aryan/Caucasian “pride” I judge you as poorly researched, bigotted, and stupid.
-Latvia was NEVER fully Christianized, considering that my own grandmother sees Jesus as just one of many options out there.
-I believe killing a fetus is better than abusing a child….100% of the time.  Abortions should be free, easily accessible, and not stigmatized. I have taken several women to get abortions and I have never regretted it.  On the same token-  on the third abortion after age 18, it is indicative of poor enough decision making skills that the right to parenthood should be taken away via mandatory sterilization.
-If abortion is “wrong” because it “messes with the plans of the God(s)-” then fertility treatments are equally reprehensible.  God(s) obviously deemed you as unworthy of being parents.  Deal with it and become a foster parent.  Your genes are too flawed to be passed down.
– If you do not take care of your own children, protect them, love them, and give them the majority of your time when they are young and helpless, you are a terrible human being.
-If you have EVER knowingly harmed a child, an animal, or an innocent person- you deserve any and all suffering you experience.
– I cannot love my own mother and cannot even see her as human; after 17 years of profound abuse and neglect I view her as a rabid animal nothing more and she takes up little of my mind-space.
-Theft of someone’s livelihood is reprehensible.

-Yes,  I judge you for the decisions and actions you take in life….as I know I am also judged by those around me.   It doesn’t change much except in cases where active harm is being committed against the unwilling.

This is who I am.  This is what I believe.  Loki is a scapegoat, as is Lilith, Lucifer, Satan, Prometheus, Jinns/Djinns, demons, satanists,  or any other supernatural “bad person” you can think of, or simply people who you are supposed to “demonize” for having opposing values-  this is societies way of instilling values of what is not acceptable.  Currently, in the Asatru movement to renounce Loki, it indicates a lack of value in honesty, intelligence, diplomacy, and humor.  Too many Asatru have no sense of humor….except in racist jokes.   I like all jokes, really- even really filthy, dirty, inappropriate, racist, sexist ones.  I do not discriminate- but when the only thing that makes you laugh is a joke about a minority, you should reevaluate your priorities.  Also, stop calling yourselves “white” unless you are naturally albino.  Peach, light tan, oak colored, or beige is accurate.   White and Black make no sense unless you are literally those colors… your world view is flawed if you think otherwise.

Christians in despising Satan/Lucifer/The devil indicate they do not stand with rebellion, education (the snake in the garden who did not lie), or personal responsibility.   Please make up your minds if you are “children of God” or his slaves.   A child does not get on their knees in front of a parent unless the parent is extraordinarily abusive.  If you are “in bondage to sin” and have been since birth, why are you supposed to love the one who judges you?  It was my own mother who called me “evil” from a young age- does that make her a good parent?

Muslims-There is no other text but the Quran, and it was written over a thousand years ago-  first of all, stop reading the Hadithe materials, second, read the book yourself WITHOUT ADDED ACCENT MARKS ON THE ARABIC.  Then understand that as society grows and changes, so too, does the interpretation of the book-  it was written intentionally to be vague and for each person to read it personally and draw their own conclusions based on what is holy and what is simply historical within the text.  I doubt Mohammad recited the parts of the Quran that speak about his own actions- why would that make any sense?!

For those who believe there is an “Enemy” out there- there is, it’s called “ignorance” and the only remedy is thought, research, and conversation…  If you follow the words/beliefs/laws of another without even a single question as to the morality of said things you are not living a life, but following a crowd.

The most courageous people in our history have often been killed; Martin Luther King Jr. removed burning crosses from his lawn, John Lennon was shot, Kurt Cobain who spoke out against the record industry killed himself (questionably).

Our comedians speak more truth than our politicians:  the late George Carlin, Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, Robin Williams, Eddie Izzard, Margaret Cho, and so many others.

The best people our world has ever known, many do not know how good they were:
Fred Rodgers- spoke actively to congress on several occasions protecting the rights of children, education, and public broadcasting
Jim Varney- better known as “Ernest” from the Ernest movies spent most of his time and money visiting sick children.
Nikola Tesla- wanted to give the entire world FREE electricity; died penniless
Cyrus the Great of Persia – wrote the very FIRST codex on human rights, and allowed free practice of all customs and religions under his rule.
Dr. Jonas Salk- Invented one of the first Polio vaccines and refused to patent it…for the good of the people

…and so many others.

But, in all of this rambling, what comes out is what is it to be a “disgrace” but to be an outcast, abnormal, and unaccepted?  Does disgrace go against honor?  And can an honorable action for one person be considered dishonorable for another…well, obviously- yes.

I would like a world with a little less closet space, a lot more honesty, kindness, and a great deal less war.  In every video game I play- I notice that the objective to “kill” literally hundreds of depicted human beings doesn’t even give one thought to pause-  and yet, sex is still considered taboo.

Gods willing, people will have more sex than war in their lives… but sometimes, it seems that people are being trained for a thirst for blood, a clear “enemy” and someone/someones to demonize and terrorize as they see fit.  This, my friends, is dishonorable.   To disagree is fine- to abuse, degrade, lie about, and gain friends over a common “enemy” is dishonorable.

I have been through a lot, but I ultimately came to the conclusion I cannot blame the Gods for my bad experiences- but I can thank them for helping me get through them….and ultimately, I can thank them for their acceptance and protection of me- with the understanding that in exchange, I will do my best to be the most honest and caring person I can be… and the candles were re-lit today with my apologies.

A quote to sum this all up:

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” -Winston Churchill 

I find it no coincidence that Prometheus, Tyr, and Loki are all Gods of both fire and sky… all of which sacrificed, all of which brought much more good to mankind than evil- and all three of which have been punished accordingly for their audacity.

Ch-ch-ch-changes…why I hate Hagalaz

Posted in About me with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 26, 2013 by Tyrienne
Hela and Muninn- Huginn never leaves Odin these days (Artist unknown)

Hela and Muninn- Huginn never leaves Odin these days (Artist unknown)

My fiancee is a chosen of the Gods of Death, it seems- he isn’t dying by any means, but he has the uncanny knack to get the attention of anything remotely close to a psychopomp; Hela, Cernunnos, The Morrigan and Anubis; from ancient Eresh-kigal to the young Baron Samedi.  They like his silence, they like that to others he appears to be a blank canvas on which people paint their own ideas of who he is- and then, as he comes into himself, people flee from him as if he were death itself- in a culture that makes death invisible behind closed caskets and bottom-floor mortuaries.   The inevitable for all is hidden and feared as we hide behind a culture of eternal youth and yet never-maturity.   Elderly people who hold the strong rationales of the young that they are always correct, immortal, and untouchable…. until their first heart attack, stroke, or cancer- at which point, they cling even more desperately to this world, seeking refuge in anything that will remind them of anything but what lies at the end-(or new beginning, my Buddhist and Deutsch friends)

For me, it’s tricksters- Raven, Fox, Loki, Odin, Eris, Inari, Papa Legba, Enki, Hanuman, Ganesha, Coyote, Hermes….then out of nowhere, breaking the pattern there is  Tyr, and to utter confusion, Allah- the greatest trickster of all whose Sufi followers seem entranced in a dance of chaos and order too complex to follow- if anyone even still knows of Him as Divine Love, now hidden behind the words of men who read the Hadithe and not the Quran.   An ancient God based on the goodness of Zoroastrian Ahura Mazda (Ohrmazd) who has now been confused with Angra Mainyu (Ahriman)- the bringer of ill thoughts, ill words, and ill deeds- rather than good thoughts, good words, and even better deeds.  A God of both Fire and water who is now seen as a God of subjugation, sand, and fear.

I also Know a man who calls Krishna a pacifist.  I have read the Bagavahd Gita where Krishna speaks to his charioteer Arjuna about the necessity of death and change.  The flute playing philandering is simply a hobby after the blood has dried from his blue hands.

I am tired of being change.  I am tired of being the canary in the metaphysical coalmine who brings false teachers to the open, liars to their knees, and stands at the last crossroads before enlightenment becomes impossible.  The last warning before you decide to give up on your dreams and submit to the machine, to fall to your knees into perpetual slavery of society, of the mind, and the subjugation of art and intellect in favor of comfort and security- fame and “success”.   I can tell people that this life is an illusion until I’m blue in the face, I can tell them that material things, youth, beauty, and popularity are not eternal. I can show evidence that time and matter as we perceive them are a priori and not true reflections of reality with citations from the most famous and respected physicists and philosophers.

I can challenge you, I can stare you down, I can be your equal, your adversary.  I become more than a human and less- I become a line on a checklist of things that stand in the way- a thing, an “it”…and not in the respectful “it” as found in non-gendered languages such as Persian.

Am I bitch or a woman “with the mind of a man?”
Why are most of the “great” philosophers/geniuses Queer?
Is Loki a man or woman?
He was a mother,  I can never be.
Does it matter?

Everything was fine until I came, I know.  Everything would be different if I were not here- they say, those with lies between their teeth and their mirrors covered with Dorian Gray paintings of themselves as they wish to be seen- their ugliness on the inside.

Don’t trust the beautiful people, the beautiful gods who shine with perfection-  They are the most cruel, violent, and sadistic.  The perfect send she-bears to devour children, Divine Angels to slay the firstborn, and beg for their sheep to be lead quietly to the slaughter at the end of existence, meek and docile convinced of their worthlessness and shame for daring to exist at all- all things, sinful- to question is to cause problems, to stir the pot, to bring chaos.

Hush, quiet…be safe and say nothing; ignore the lies, the blood, and the slaughter that has been funded by your shopping sprees for  this millennium….the money you used to give to the Church you prayed to for salvation in the middle ages funded wars and inquisitions- the money you spend in consumerism is no different.

“I want to be rich!”  people say, they step on their own children and regard their grandchildren with suspicion over green pieces of paper and numbers on a screen that are not even backed by real substance; there is no more silver or golden standard.  They huddle in unhappy lives, chained to ideas and people in fear of being alone while they alienate those they are truly responsible for.  No cocktail party in the world will erase the failings, injustice, false judgement, and division caused by those who would divide the people and claim the poor the enemy and bow before the rich as examples of morality and righteousness.

No camel can enter heaven through the eye of the needle, and the man with 2 wolves at his feet asks to rest in your home in tattered clothes and raven feathers in his wide-brimmed hat.  Jesus walks from city to city in sandals, and Siddhartha gave up a kingdom to understand suffering.

I have known and lost so many great teachers that I cannot trust any of them any more, except for the dead- I’m sure even C.S. Lewis was fallible, however, no man had ever so gracefully explained how all religions can co-exist peacefully- hidden in a fantasy kingdom there were Gods of oceans and trees, and centuries of peace as the faun held hands with the badger, beaver, and human….where there was something undefinable that unified and created it all.

William Paley, if you were alive….I would ask you if that watch in the desert was discarded after it was made perfect to represent the illusion of time- or if others are right and you meant intelligent design.   Nietzsche would claim abandonment then death of the Creator as the watch of our world rusts in our hands.

There was a Parsi Musician who died because he loved too much and too strongly, and was buried with the flames of Ahura Mazda burning brightly at his funeral and his music still inspires more people than Rumi/Molavi….   But since I have described him by traits you did not know him by, you do not see him as one of your champions-  one who looked death in the eyes and looked the world in the eyes to say : “I Still Love you.” days before he crossed his bridge across the chasm to what lay beyond.  His riches given to charities and those he loved most.

I know an Irish magician who wanders with no true home, and I trust him more than I would any academic- though the first thing he will tell you is that he is “mad”.   Madness is liberating; he says.  I concur, the line between genius and madness so very thin-  Loki and Odin cross wrists across that line- but who is on which side at any given time?  They are brothers and their choosing of each other as family is irreversible- not with a drop of blood-but a deluge.

I know a man with a crooked face who paid thousands to fix what a Norseman would see as blessing from Odin, what a Sufi would see as a warning from Allah, and that I saw as character- to be washed away with ebb and flow of money, the thought that the insecurity felt within would be staunched like wound- a wound that bleeds red against white- but the green bears the faces of false leaders- not the green of liberation.

Question, my half-faced friend- how much did you spend on fixing your external false-flaws that could have been given in Zakat?  Oh, but I forget myself.  Atheism is in fashion- to declare with absolute certainty that there is nothing to hold one accountable, there is no watch in the desert, no watchmaker, or Great beast, lion, wolf, or jackel that will weigh your heart on the balance of life and death.

So, do you name the stars in the sky and know each by name?  Can you tell me how to split the moon, and the intricacies of the human circulatory system?  Can you name for me the those who die each day with pinched faces of starvation of your ancestral homeland?


Is your totem the duck or the rabbit?

If you do not know everything, then how can you tell me there is nothing beyond this world when you close your eyes to the world you live in?  What color is your world Grue or Bleen?

We speak of Philosophers and Scientists as if they hold keys to mastery that we cannot obtain-  many go on to higher education to learn how to plagiarize the works of hundreds to create papers that say nothing new at all- the unverified personal gnosis has been vilified- unless it has been experienced by a trusted source. Alan Watts is reduced to a mere footnote or a quotation. William James and Rudolph Otto, both as dead as Wittgenstein and Tesla- (both of which spent their lives dancing with death.)

Nietzsche, Tesla, Crowley, and Nijinsky danced with madness at their ends….but we like to forget their ends- for endings are uncomfortable, especially for geniuses who died ignobly instead of in wealth, opulence of funeral, and with weeks of mourning and gnashing of teeth at their deaths.

Machiavelli died with all the accolades of a Prince- and so, he is revered and more known than the quiet words of Cunningham, LeVay, and Farrar.

We live in a world of a religion of Science which has discovered God in a particle, but magic is the domain of the mad.

“There is freedom in Madness,”  Quote the Irish Shaman– as the fires roared and the coals glowed red against cerulean skies and bright spring grass.  We broke arrows upon our throats for Justice and Confidence.  We shared garnets and mica from the stream and drank water among the gypsies, folk and fae.

Today I am angry at the world, and I hate myself for being the change I wish to see in the world.  I change my surroundings by being mostly unchanging myself-  I do not flow like the river, I am the marble that has been worn away by tears, and torn down by chisels, axes, and the occasional hammer.

I shine and reflect you to yourselves and you blame me for your own failings, I bear a torch and you supply the gas for the flame so all eyes look to me when change occurs.  The invisible fumes, deadly, toxic- and my fire sets them alight illuminating me against your darkness.

So, you bring me your personal demons- your wild wolf self chained in the sound of a cat’s footfalls, the breaths of fish on air, the roots of mountains, the sinews of bear, the bearded woman, the spit of the swallows who build their nests on the side of the rocky crags only to be stolen and made into soup.

The wolf within you is the only thing of value left of yourselves, and you hold that bright beast in contempt for the idea of freedom, sovereignty, and mastery where no man or woman is your better- where you can run with quicksilver paws on ice and endless fields and howl.

…and you eat like the prey you are, many of you.  Weakened and enslaved by trends and fashion-  never knowing the feeling of life fleeting from a warm body- that final shuttering breath and silence in a world of colorful noises.

Never tasting the flesh of the wild- the deer caught mid-leap, the pheasant fallen from flight, or the salmon caught falling upsteam in one fatal leap.

“Kill my wildness; hide me from Summer, Winter, Spring and Fall- take me from my family and give me a Master who is generous.  Take away my desire to run and sit me silently in the ranks of the living dead.  Let me ask your permission to shit and piss and to go home to take care of my ailing family and brief moments in the lives of my children, who are raised in institutions and chained to desks metaphorically as child laborers in third world countries are chained to looms; both learning nothing of consequence to better themselves.”  and these selfsame people look to me as Antagonist, the unchained, dangerous, and ruinous …and I shake my head.

I dream of a moon above a peaceful city of towers and domed holy places... I make my own reconciliation between past and present.

I make my own peace/reconciliation between Time, Earth,and Sky

The path to the sky begins with a sound and continues with action.

The path to the sky begins with a sound and continues with action.

The red moon shines above a city that forces each man and woman to their knees before it, and I wonder- is there a single free soul left in the shadow of Damavand? I was trapped by love letters from a non-cisgender diaspora from their city that destroyed me.  Then I look to my right and I remember how I got here: a journey started with the first sound in the universe, it is said-  and then my own movement initiated by one of the many great Promethean figures- His green eyes burn, His hair red like smokeless flames- a prince of Jinn and an ancient god of Northern hearths.   So many forget what it feels like to bathe in the heat of flame, the flow of streams, to feel the wind upon their faces and the Earth beneath their feet.  A person can write love letters and forget what it means to love.

I am free in my own way… and for that people despise me.  In truth, I no more free than you are. It began with a necklace of the first sound- and the command of a red haired god of green eyes:  I am caged by my own fears- by letters like green ribbons  which I stole from a two-spirit who would not grant me peace nor reconciliation- but I am brave enough to wear a sign of a God that is quickly being forgotten among Hadith, violence, and propaganda.  Would you dare to mark yourself with forbidden symbols and remind yourself that only a one green thread kept you in Hell and away from Hel?

You remain captive in soulless rooms filled with atrophied spirits, and I find myself trapped within my own home, afraid of going anywhere at all without a companion at my side or at journey’s end.  Are we so different?

Evidently, yes.   I am free to speak what words I wish when I wish.  I am free to speak the truth without caring of the consequences from any human; I have been too fucking hurt to care:

Os, the Rune of the uncomfortable truth

Os, the Rune of the uncomfortable truth

According to This site: “Os, the Rune of the God-Voice, is vied for by several deities. It is sometimes associated Bragi, the skald of the Norse gods, and sometimes with Odin himself when he speaks through a human body. It also has an affinity with Odin’s blood brother  Loki the Trikster. What each of these deities has in common is that they represent different ways of speaking divine truths through a human mouth. The skald or bard speaks or sings dramatically, moving the crowd to new emotions. The prophetic voice is often confusing, bringing the stories of the future to the waiting crowd of the moment, but it also important is helping them to touch the divine WodOs, the Rune of the God-Voice, is vied for by several deities. It is sometimes associated with Bragi, the skald of the Norse gods, and sometimes with Odin himself when he speaks through a human body. It also has an affinity with Odin’s blood brother and arch enemy(SIC!), Loki the Trickster. What each of these deities has in common is that they represent different ways of speaking divine truths through a human mouth. The skald or bard speaks or sings dramatically, moving the crowd to new emotions. The prophetic voice is often confusing, bringing the stories of the futurwith e to the waiting crowd of the moment, but it also important is helping them to touch the divine Wod”

However, this is not to say I live a life without extraordinary consequences as well Quoted from Here:

Tiwaz: The Rune of Tyr, Justice, and Sacrifice

Tiwaz: The Rune of Tyr, Justice, and Sacrific

“Tiwaz is a warrior rune named after the god Tyr who is the Northern god of law and justice. Tyr is related to the north star in the Anglo-Saxon Rune Poem, around which the fixed stars in the night sky appear to rotate. Ancient seamen used Polaris as their main navigational aid in their long journeys, and the symbol as an arrow pointing upward is perhaps made in reference to this. This symbolizes the positive ordering of the cosmos and humankind through law and justice and our moral compass. Chaos comes to order through the attributes of awakened consciousness and the guiding principles concerned with carrying out such an awakening.

Tyr is a one-handed god with a long history, and his hand was sacrificed to trick the wolf, Fenris, into being chained. Tiwaz is just victory according to the law of accumulated right past action. To rule justly, one is asked to make many self-sacrifices, and Tiwaz can develop the power of positive self-sacrifice and temper over-sacrifice. The belief that courage and a right cause carries the day is governed by Tiwaz. It is the common justice of the people rather than the use of law by tyrants (a word that uses Tyr as a root)

Tiwaz will bring about a correct balancing of the scales so that you are assured a fair hearing and fair decision. Do not be thrown off balance by the chaos of your environment. Like the North star, you must remain true and calm, assert your case with confidence and let the energies of your orlog assisted by the force of Tiwaz bring about a right solution.

Should you need reassurances that there is value in building up positive patterns in advance of emergency, this is the time you will see its greatest manifestation. You have earned the right to a fair and just decision. Tiwaz will be used to bring fair distribution of the earned energies from your ancestral stream.

Tiwaz can be used to bring about a missionary zeal for a righteous cause. The most powerful insight we can draw from Tiwaz is that we must target our energies in the single most correct place, just as the arrow or spear symbolized by the rune must. Call upon Tiwaz for justice.”

Huginn: "Thought"  The moon is patterned from Al-Hambra Palace, Spain where I spent a semester learning history abroad.

Huginn: “Thought”
The moon is patterned from Al-Hambra Palace, Spain where I spent a semester learning history abroad.

But Despite all the above my first guidance has been Ornithomancy over intelligence:

Muninn: "Memory" Like Odin, thoughts never leave, but memory is transient.

Muninn: “Memory”
Like Odin, thoughts never leave, but memory is transient.

Huginn has been with me since I was 19 years old- this is his most recent incarnation on my back after many trials, artists, touch ups. “Stand Fast” was a gift to remind myself that I saved the child of my ex-fiancee from a childhood like the one I lived through- with extraordinary sacrifice and trust in the Divine to do the right thing.

Muginn was a gift from my current fiancee and both together show a duel nature of my belief systems.  The artists of most of this work was created at KS Tattoo in Laureldale, Pennsylvania.

And so, back to the beginning-  I have been accused, slandered, tortured, gaslit, abandoned, and despised.   I have been loved, followed, adored, cherished, and held on pedestals far too high.  There are times where I am not a person, but an object or simplified to a statement- usually negative.  I am an individual among a society desperate for the approval of most- the way we contort ourselves, our minds, bodies, with paints, surgeries, affects, and meaningless unoffensive words to keep up the status quo.

The  “ideal” person doesn’t wear their history on their body, marking each landmark, scar, achievement, and failing- that is only for those without class- Class keeps things behind closed and locked doors- as they beg for silence against the untempered knocking and avalanches behind closed doors.   Plastic surgery brings one closer to an “ideal”- a tattoo is simply another way to make a scar beautiful, but it also challenges decades worth of societal class distinctions; the barbarian, the soldier, the unemployable, the criminal, the feared, and the blue collared are tattoo’d to the elder generations.

My generation and our avant gardes challenge you, and you do not like us.   We challenge you with our existence, with our lack of ties and pantyhose,    We challenge our society…but not in any substantial way that ever makes the news or changes much of anything- except bringing us our own pain for our trouble of trying.

With me it’s open.  Everything.   I learned early I can not afford secrets with a memory that cannot be relied upon…. if you live dictated by intuition, heart, and intellect rather than conventional means- truth quickly becomes stranger than fiction anyhow and far more interesting than any “story” or lie.

I wear ink to tell my stories…  I have lived through chaos and survived.   I have looked death in the eyes time and again and was refused for whatever reason: repeatedly.  So, for better or worse you are stuck with me for now.  My Fiancee speaks to the Gods who have refused me more times than any 31 year old should be able to count- by chance or deliberate intentions.

I am going to continue to live my life with or without your approval- but I will continue in this process to be wounded, tested, absolved, accused, loved, and despised.   I refuse to compromise my integrity.  I refuse to politely lie to save your comfort.    I fear burlap sacks, being trapped, and FEMA coffins.  I fear I will never see Tehran in one piece and can’t watch the news- when all I see are lies and can smell the scent of war as cleanly as any black-feathered bird.   I fear for my friends in fatigues regardless on which side they fight for- and I am angered at corporate interests puppet governments, complacent people, and the lack of critical thought, lack of questioning, and although I understand it, I also resent the “Status Quo”.

By nature, I realize I am Hagalaz…..wherever I go, I am different, therefore, I bring change if I mean to or not.   However, that doesn’t mean I have to like it.   All in all, I’m actually rather self-loathing where my life consist of a scale where the harm/burden I generate is ever being weighed against the good I am able to accomplish. With those scales is a clock; according to research, my time is 15 years or less as per the law of averages.

Does the Jackal hold the scales for this fox?  No.  Instead, there is an ancestral man with half a face- his eye lost to his love of knowledge, his sanity given for mysteries and mysticism- and as I marked as being a scion of both his blood-brother and one-handed predecessor, He has my first Oath….and only the Gods and the clever know where my second oath remains, indelible, spoken in a city of spies and under a pentagram flag.

Messrs C. S. Lewis, Gibran, Watts, and Molavi,….perhaps one day I could write as beautifully as you and explain it so cleanly, but I need to bypass Time which is stagnant and my fears, inhibitions, and insecurities which are not.

Regret Nothing:

Happy Loki Day (aka “April Fools”)

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 1, 2013 by Tyrienne
Fox-Fire woman. (Artist unknown.)

Fox-Fire woman.
(Artist unknown.)

It’s April 1st, the commonly accepted feast day for Loki and I realized that if I am true to my word, and I try to be, I could not allow this day to pass without some sort of commentary;  The Lokian Asatuar has a reputation to maintain after all.   Freyja’s Hall will be holding our observance of the day this Saturday April 6th at our apartment.  “Friend of Freyja” is one of my favorite kennings, so it fits us.

So, it’s Loki day.  I have no beautiful women to shave, I have no testicles of my own and I own no goats,  I AM wearing a lovely skirt today though- but I am no bridesmaid.  I like horses…(but not THAT much) and I lack the means to carry a fetus to term (hysterectomy!), I am not good enough at shapeshifting to be a fox, salmon, or anything else cool in this plane of existence (call it a lack of confidence, perhaps?) ….and although I own several hawk feathers, I can’t make a cloak or know of anyone willing to lend me one for the afternoon for a quick flight to the Pagoda on Mount Penn.

Like most people, this day each year I try to bullshit my friends with some sort of causally believable BS- I’ve converted in and out of religions, shown a positive pregnancy test (I had a hysterectomy at 28), and pretend-reconciled with insanely abusive people.  This year, I posted 100% true “What the fuck” confessions of the weirdest shit to happen to me in my life.  Difficulty: Insane- for I have to avoid libel so the MOST messed up thing that has occurred is out (it involves an international transgender activist, Sufism, and daily love letters written under pseudonym)  and then I had to CHOOSE out of a variety of things.  I couldn’t choose just ten…. and my friend Smart Steve brought up the cognitive point that most people have no mental capacity for actual confession (and yet, according to Kant- we possess an a priori sense to invent Time for us so our brains can comprehend our own corner of the universe without exploding)  So,  it’s out there.  I’ll even add 10 more that didn’t make the list before (but might have been lightly touched upon in other posts-so I apologize for repeated information and my poor memory):

1. I have lost track of how many young women I have taken to get abortions….not because I’m nice, but because I did not want them to breed…since high school.  I am a one-woman Dr. Mengele in that regard. I was the child of teenage parents, and I never wanted to see more little “me’s” in the same situation.

2. My grandfather on my mother’s side was in the SS in WWII-  It’s okay though- he ended up working for Britain.

3.  My grandfather on my father’s side was one of the world’s first computer programmers- he invented college automated scheduling (ironic, my college did not utilize it).  He disowned me for being committed because he does not believe in PTSD and refused to speak to a single doctor or neurologist on my behalf- it is believed he tried to challenge my SSD unsuccessfully.

4.  I’m pansexual, monogamous,and gender-queer. I changed my name to be gender neutral, don’t care what gender you are, and I don’t think of myself as any particular gender but lean more towards male-type thoughts in Western culture.  If I could not be “myself” in this culture, I would have no issue getting a sex change…say, if I lived in Iran or something.  (Which was my answer when I was told I would last 5 minutes in Iran by a former professor….the better answer would have been “Well, it would be 5 minutes longer than you would last, Mr. Political Dissident.”   …but that was BEFORE Strattera.)

My husband will be wearing the garter at our wedding under his kilt, and will also likely be tossing the bouquet.  Dead serious.

5. My first interaction with a deity-type figure was actually not Norse- but Inari- The Japanese God of Rice, Fertility, and Foxes.  My totem is the Fox- hence, he claimed I was well under his jurisdiction.  I still eat a diet rich in rice for good fortune, and when I dream of him I’m never human.

His favorite thing to say is “Raven-san*, sometimes it is better to dream of being a fox than to live as a human.”  It’s okay- my fiancee’s first was Kali Durga.  He just posted his experiences last night and I’m incredibly proud of him for it.

6.  I am still technically a Sufi-however, many Islamic sects have recently decided to declare Sufism haram (forbidden) so whether or not I’m still Muslim is up for debate.  I have a lot of ham, pork chops, and hard cider to ask forgiveness for- however, Allah is most forgiving. (Fun fact: actually, according to many translations of the Qu’ran the rule of hospitality and avoiding starvation overrules dietary restrictions)   I see no contradiction between Heathenry and Sufism- for much the same conclusion Eddie drew regarding Kali Durga and Heathenry. (see the link above- if you want a post on why I came to this conclusion, I will write it- I am extraordinarily well researched on both sides)
Both Loki as well as Odin seem to encourage their followers to seek out and understand other traditions.  If the universe was an intramural sports league- Odinsfolk, Lokians and Rokkatru would be the roaming kids whose base lies with Team Heathen- but if another team is short- we get sent out for a time to play for other sides who need our influence….or to bring something back to our communities that solves our current problems.  (IF people will listen to us…, that is)

7. Growing up, my mother was unmedicated bipolar and schizophrenic.  When she was finally diagnosed (in my 20’s), she claimed she “caught” the schizophrenia from my father.  I stopped speaking to her over 10 years ago.

It’s the best decision I ever made- remembering homicide attempts, attempted starvation, beatings, and verbal abuse ain’t my bag, baby.

8. I acted like a human gay pride flag in high school partially to distract from the fact that my home life really, really sucked-see above.  The other reason I did it is so all the other little gay kids would be left alone. I was a human killdeer- distraction works on stupid people.  I got a lot of personal “thank you’s” from many of my fellow students in the years post high school; that part is kinda awesome.
Also, it wasn’t my idea- a guy named Shawn came up with it years before I ever entered high school.  He called it “Alpha-Queer” the theory was if there was one over-the-top gay person all the other kids suspected of being gay would be left alone.  It mostly worked.  As far as my predecessors go: Shawn is now a born again, Damon is still gay, Lori disappeared…and the girl who was picked before it was supposed to be my “turn” ended up going through some crazy shit of her own….so I ended up in track suits and Figaro chains for 2 fucking years.  Outside of school I was a goth.  After me, female bisexuality became trendy (to my disgust-it marginalized true bisexuals so now we use terms like “pansexual” or “non-biased”) so I think “alpha-queer” became unnecessary.

9. I was offered 10 grand when I was 21 to transport LSD from New Hampshire to Philadelphia.  The only reason I did not do it was because I had a dream my best friend at the time got shot in the face by the feds.  Ironically, 3 months later that particular friend and I had a massive falling out and did not speak except to stalk and attack each other online once a year for 7 years.

10.  In college, I had three official tutors in Farsi and spent most of my time with the Baha’i community religiously (because the Heathens I knew became totally Nazitru and the Baha’i’s are largely Iranian diasphora)  The Baha’i religion believes that every religion in the world is legitimate-they completely accept Heathenry with open arms and will raise a horn to any God/Goddess you can imagine if put into a Heathen situation.  The Baha’i faith originated in Persia  I gave talks on Heathenry and quoted the Edda’s and the Hamaval at most gatherings.

I think I may have been the world’s only Heathen diplomat to the Baha’i that I am aware of.   I would still be in touch if I didn’t move two hours away and my weekends were not now filled with Heathen events.   Sadly, they do not believe in facebook OR voting.  The former being the reason for being completely removed except to give polite declines to events via email.

11. I was in the process of being trained to be a diplomat regarding Iran.  I mentioned this is a previous post…  I ~DO~ see Persians/Indians as part of our ancestral cultures, and worthy of our respect….hence why Heathenry is called an INDO-European faith.  Their indigenous traditions prior to Islam are mostly found in the practices of Sufism (which adapted itself to Islam)  and Zoroastrianism(which is considered, arguably, the first monotheistic faith).

Also,  there are some great ancient stories of Inanna and Ereshkegal that mirror Freya and Hela quite nicely (which is actually more native to Northern Iraq- but was part of the Greater Persian empire.)  I do believe in religious parity. (…to the immense frustration of my Jewish ancient near-East prof.)

So, in true Lokian style, I have taken a holiday and turned it upside down and on it’s ear…. I’m not “pranking” anyone- however, we will be dousing a chocolate rabbit in high-proof voodoun cologne and burning it to Loki this evening (Florida-water:  awesome stuff if you can find it…it’s cheap and it can make your fires burn for the duration of an entire ceremony and leave not even ash in its wake….sometimes, new religions and cultures can have some little things to offer too!)

So, now you know a little bit more about me- and have some WTF to think on for the remainder of the day…  Have a spectacular day and remember to leave some candy and a candle burning for the Keeper of the Heathen flames-  our flame-haired diplomat, silver-tongued rogue, and beautiful God of lost children.  Hail Loki Laufeysson- Male, female, Horse, Fox, or Fish-  Worthy of Each horn raised both his name and the name of Odin 🙂

*Not my name

Screaming at the Gods

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 30, 2013 by Tyrienne
I'm not a fan of Marvel's Loki- but I know the feel in this picture. No idea who the artist is-random tumblr find....

I’m not a fan of Marvel’s Loki- but I know the feel in this picture. No idea who the artist is-random tumblr find..

If there is any theme that runs through my life among people who dislike me it’s been “Be yourself- but not the way you are currently doing it- we hate that.”

I am extraordinarily fortunate that I have found a friend of mine online who can translate contradictory human behavior for me- his name is Steve-  I call him “Smart Steve” to differentiate him from the hundreds of Steve’s I have known and have yet to know.  If I have a question about why life (and people) seem to be so contradictory, I know I can go on facebook and if Steve is on, he will answer my question;  any question.  He’s like my own personal cleverbot- but one with an actual consciousness and conscious…. and his best answer of all is “Don’t worry about what people think- they don’t do it very often.”  Over the past three days, I knew better than to ask him for help- some part knew he couldn’t help.

So, once again- I had found myself in a borderline abusive situation with an authority figure this week- despite protests from my fiancee, I persisted- it’s what I do.  ….and once again, when I could take no more of the abuse, I went to a trusted friend and asked for help.  Gods only know if the place was bugged or the asshole in question was in the next room- but the next thing I know I find I am unwelcomed to yet another place, this time a yoga studio- with another man in his mid-40’s making a screaming jackass of himself as I walk away never to return.

Replay: College
Replay: Childhood

There is a certain gnosis I seem to inspire in insecure men that makes me out to be more than I am….I become, like Loki, a demonized figure who is seen not as a human being, but rather as some sort of vengeful wraith created with the sole intention to vex the person in the position of power.   This person is someone I actually tried my damnedest to befriend. He was supposed to be a close friend of my fiancee’s.  I hand made his family gifts when his child was born, he considered himself a councilor, so I attempted to go  to him with my problems- only to find he was horrendous at giving advice.  I hugged him when he had all the warmth of a Tegu  (Think: unfriendly Gila Monster)

As my teacher, I copied him move for move- only to find that doing so was improper- although I was not informed of this until later.   I always assumed that yoga was a sort of “follow-the-leader” sort of activity, and I am in reasonably decent shape from a life lead of moderate to athletic activity…. How was I supposed to know his flourishes and extra moves were meant to “impress” and were not to be emulated?  My balance sucks, and my thighs are too large to really pretzel myself all that well…. however, I can do diamond push-ups with the best of the men.

But the last straw was he insulted my religion-  Saying he knew more about Heathenry because he spoke Swedish and married a Swede.   Well, okay then.  I used to be able to speak Spanish enough to get by when I lived in Spain- I suppose this means I should be able to make you a paella  from scratch, no?  (I can’t- I hate paella)

…and I sat there and I took it.  I explained Sweden is 90% atheist and that MY religion comes from a mixture of Latvian and Pennsylvania Dutch traditions.  Every answer I gave him angered him.  “Look at your ego,” said he ” You have an answer for Everything.”  said the man who was yelling at me…who also happened to be the ONLY student to appear for his class that day- in the studio he had informed us several times was the “hippest” in town.  (I was only there because my fiancee went there, honestly)

That was three weeks ago-  Last week we were kicking up into handstands…and to my own surprise, I made it.   Against the wall, supported by only my hands- I amazed myself.  I don’t have the greatest balance nor upper arm strength in the world.

The teachers reaction was to scream at the entire class that yoga is not a competition with others, but with the self…. When I was in that handstand, I couldn’t care less what anyone else was doing.  It was my hands- and frankly, I did not care for most of the people in the class all that much anyway after one night I was stalled from departing by two women discussing the virtues of $50 gloves.  (My gloves are bought as needed from the gas station/Wawa/711 when my hands are cold. 14.99 TOPS.)

So anyway,  I was kicked out after I asked a more congenial teacher where else I could find a more open and accepting yoga practice and I explained the behavior of the owner towards me in a non-ad hominem way.  Apparently, this is now known as “shit talking.”  I came home and lit incense and every candle in the house, completely wrecked.  The next 2 days after, my fiancee continued the practice.

Flash back and forward, my fiancee asked me to leave this studio when I was first torn down months before-  but I stayed.  Why?  Because this man was my fiancee’s friend.  In fact, when said man asked what I wanted from him- I answered “friendship”.  To which, he responded “I have no friends, I don’t ‘hang out’ with students”

I replied “I don’t think my fiancee would take that news so well, and it sounds like you live a very lonely life.”

His reply was LIVID….and I can’t remember the exact words, but I remember the anger…and I remember his pride in saying he didn’t tell anyone anything about his life- he just made people think he did.  It struck me as weird as fuck.

Flashbacks after flashbacks, after flashbacks.  the past 3 day have been hell on my psyche.  I have PTSD- and when I am accosted all I can conclude is *I* am the problem.

…I don’t see that a man in his mid 40’s made an ass out of himself, practically foaming at the mouth as he screamed at me outside of the yoga school- after a class he was not even teaching.   Only now am I coming back into myself and into the reality where I am not blaming myself for everything negative in my life.

Yesterday, I was even screaming at Loki  for letting me down- He promised I wouldn’t be hurt again, and there I was hurting and not knowing what I did wrong.  I was told to be myself, but apparently, being myself is “weird”.   According to this self-made yoga guru I am allegedly more “Myself” when I indulge in the idea that I have a chronic illness and find myself in an endless mind-trap that allows for absolutely no joy- but instead unanswerable hypothetical questions no one can answer for me…. that was the only answer of “self” that human accepted of me

“Why did this happen?  What did I do wrong?   All I did was ask for help!  Why am I hurting?  Why isn’t the hurting going away?  Why does it feel like nothing is getting better no matter what I do or think?”  The runes made no sense to me, I felt no deeper sense of connection to the universe, I felt adrift, alone, and frightened that my life as I knew it was ruined.

At which point I took 30mg of Buspar, 300 mg of Seroquel, and 140mg of Valium—– only to fall asleep for 2 entire hours uninterrupted in the middle of the day.  (Yes, those are the correct doses- I am extraordinarily high tolerances to everything since I had severe gynecological problems prior to my hysterectomy that required high doses of Vicodan and Dilaudid to control.)

…and here I still am.  Without knowing the extent of my inner torment, my fiancee first bought me iris’s, then he bought be roses…and then, an aloe plant…his dad even sent me an encouraging text message even though I tried my hardest not to look like anything was wrong with me in front of them.  So when my mind was finished with it’s uncontrolled cycle of pain and insanity I realized that there is nothing that a balding 40-something man with no college degree, and no “friends” can say to him or me that will affect our lives together.   The balding guru said yoga can cure cancer, I have seen him with the flu.

I guess yoga only works on the big stuff.

I had flashbacks of college- of my Sufi professor writing incensed emails when I would finally break from under the strain of his alternate neglect and abuse and ask for help….and he would break me- painfully, with his alternation of words, neglect, and gas-lighting.

…and in asking for help- I became the antagonist.   For the past three days I could not tell really where I was anymore-  Was this Reading, Pa-  or was I back in Moravian dealing with someone I loved who was incapable of loving except when I did exactly as I was told regardless of the personal cost?

Then, this morning, I woke up-  the flashbacks had stopped.  I wasn’t thinking of the yoga studio or Moravian college.   I was here, in bed, with my beautiful fiancee who still loves me.   I still had text messages from the other teacher at the yoga school from the other day where he spent paragraphs writing to me about comic books to make me feel better. I had friends and Ed’s family who cared for me.  I felt like I had finally escaped one negative illusion that seemed inescapable back to reality.  I felt sad, the sense of loss and confusion still- but I did not have the images of the past assaulting my emotions any longer.

I spent three days terrified of that man telling my fiancee lies—-only to learn that in the end, my fiancee loves me enough to not care what ANYONE has to say about me.  That man was not the same man at my college who did, indeed, do that very thing to everyone we mutually knew.

To his credit, the yoga-guru guy said nothing to my fiancee whatsoever.

I don’t really remember much, but at my worst, when I was in such deep pain I was difficult to be around- my fiancee excused himself to go out and buy me flowers.   I can now look around my apartment and see evidence of love everywhere, which would not have been so if the chaos did not occur.

Do I want anything like this to happen again: ABSOLUTELY NOT! But, we survived it, and Ed’s still asleep peacefully with his hand on my leg and his other hand at my hip.   My PTSD is likely not going to disappear soon, and all the wishing in the world will not make it go away—but now I have the reassurance that even at my worst, my love and the best parts of my life will not disappear forever when I get lost in my flashbacks.

In my opinion, Loki is not a God of chaos- but rather the one who understands it.  Loki’s actions are premeditated, and even in the worst case scenario, when it seems like nothing will ever return to normal again;  a Lokian will find things to be better than they were in the first place when the dust settles.

As for yelling at Loki as a Lokian?  Of all the Gods of the pantheon-  He and Odin would be the most used to it…..and Loki, the most forgiving considering people yell at him for far worse things all the time.   He doesn’t lash back, He doesn’t fight, He might say a cutting remark at worst, but mostly, He weathers all storms and keeps His promises….and from my best estimation- understands instead of making things worse.

When I was destroyed by my experience in college He promised I wouldn’t be hurt again….  I have PTSD.  He said nothing about being able to take away the pain of remembering or being reminded of my past.   The pain I felt this weeks wasn’t a new thing- it was a reminder of an old situation, and out of that situation, once I was sane and stable- Loki gave me a rose to let me know I would be protected so I would not be left alone again.  Now, in this particular situation  I look around me and I see a vase full of Irises in my favorite blue, a aloe plant, and an entire miniature rose bush filled with bright red rosebuds….and I realize that I am going to be all right.

Furthermore, all I want to do is just hold my fiancee and give him anything and everything I can for the rest of my life, because I love him, he deserves it, and out of all the gifts I have been given by the Gods- my fiancee is the very best of them all.

…and maybe next time I’ll be bright enough to listen when Ed tells me I need to save myself and go elsewhere if where I am doesn’t fit.   In fact, I think this week I might even have the courage to ask for a new therapist.  My previous one who helped immensely does not take my insurance, but my new one has done me no favors.

A good therapist is better than any yoga studio anyway- and covered by insurance.  I’m sure the $85 I’m saving can be put to better use elsewhere.

I can now think clearly again, I didn’t need to ask more questions that had no answers.  The episode is over.(…but now I’m out of Valium.)  From the place where we bought the aloe plant we picked up a few tootsie rolls to put at the feet of Loki-   a thank you for the end of madness.