Archive for Loki

Growing up “Heathen” (As I experienced it)

Posted in About me, On the Gods, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2015 by Tyrienne
Commonly known as "Gar" to Heathenry, this symbol is found is both Pennsylvania Deitsche as well as Latvian folk arts.

Commonly known as “Gar” to Heathenry, this symbol is found is both Pennsylvania Deitsche as well as Latvian folk arts.

Hello cats and kittens, today I’m going to discuss the very confusing, convoluted, and strange life it was for me growing up in a clandestinely polytheistic European family from two ENTIRELY different traditional backgrounds; Lettish(Latvian) as well as Austrian/Pennsylvania Dutch (which I will spell and misspell in every possible way- and gave up on spell-checking every instance!) and attempt as well to create a compare/contrast between these two belief systems.

First off, please discard any ideas that my childhood was “ideal” in any manner- my mother was severely mentally ill with profoundly violent schizophrenia, which was entirely unmedicated needlessly complicating my religious upbringing further since I associated many of her beliefs and practices she observed as “Nothing I Want Any Part Of” even if they were legitimate, Latvian customs. This resulted self-limiting myself by distancing myself from Latvian culture- since I associated all things that involved my mother with severe abuse.  Furthermore, despite her polytheistic upbringing she spent her time rather aimlessly “wandering” between New-Age and vague Christianity as it suited her psychosis at the time….that was further compounded by the unwillingness of her community to “teach” her.  Unlike reconstructionism, traditional European polytheism seems to have some very exclusionary principles- as in “Why waste the time to teach someone who will either not “get it” or will simply fuck it up somehow?”

Be that as it may,  I was fortunate that I was raised in a multi-generational household and in very close proximity to my extended family outside the home as well- including paternal grandparents and great grandparents since my Pennsylvania Dutch/Teutonic side tended to have children early in life (and frequently) until my grandparent’s generation. I was surrounded by second and third cousins from my grandfather’s seemingly infinity large family of Austrian/Deitsche descent.  My Latvian side is simply my grandmother and uncle- and some very distantly related 3rd and 4th degree cousins I do not know.

Both my Uncle and Brother are agnostics with little interest in these things, I do not know my uncle’s story, but my brother missed out on time with now-deceased relatives which shaped my spirituality.

To continue- another thing worth noting is that the word “Heathen” is still seen as rather insulting in the family/social circles of both the Lettish as well as the Deitsche- which is a huge part of the resistance of many “traditional” families that I personally know and have befriended over the years.  Partially, because cultures are agrarian in nature, mostly pacifists, and not Norsk. The Latvians/Lettish prefer to be called “Druids” in English- and the “Hidden Dutch” prefer to be left entirely alone, still…. to the detriment of creating a more complete picture of unbroken European polytheistic tradition.

There is good reason for this; basically, the strongest commonality both sides of my family share is a deep-seated fear and strong distrust of “outsiders” directly resulting from centuries of hiding and persecution.  To save themselves as well as their respective cultures, the German Lutheran church provided sanctuary in exchange for the promise that all children would be baptized/confirmed, and monetary donations would be made regularly whether attendance occurred or not.  It’s just how things were done.  In college, I learned that the Moravian church did likewise in other locations.   My old pastor, bless his heart, tolerated us, spoke fluent German, and “suffered” three generations of my German family poking metaphorical holes in his Bible and generally being as reluctantly “Lutheran” as a person can get.  Starting from my father sitting me down with a Bible and showing me all the “cool” questions to ask; “Where are the ‘Great Sea Monsters’ mentioned in Genesis, they couldn’t have drowned in the flood, right!?” and my personal favorite was picking the absolute most inappropriate verses to read in church during confirmation classes.  After my father and his best friend scraped their way through confirmation like mischievous Vaetirr, my choices of the “Sunday Reading” from the Bible were very strictly monitored and I had to submit several more than the other children after my dad’s best friend ALLEGEDLY  read with great enthusiasm, Ezekiel 23:20:

“… There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses….” etc.

Yeah, we didn’t get away with much past Pastor Reimet, he was chagrined by us, but he also had a sort of quirky sort of affection for our line. We kept him on his toes- and he just LOVED telling everyone how whenever my grandfather and father were in a service at the same time “Lightning struck the church.” (Totally not true, that only happened ONCE…maybe twice.)  “Heathen” was meant as an insult…as in “Stop running in the choir loft, you little Heathens!”

When I complained about church, it was my Dad who said to me. “Look, without the Lutherans, none of us would be alive right now.    When you’re finished with classes believe whatever you want. We’re polytheists anyway, seriously what is the harm of learning about one more god?”

Anyway, I have escaped myself- so, away from the church (at which I was dropped off- my parents had no interest in staying except during my mothers sporadic “Christian” phases where she could use Jesus as yet ANOTHER justification I was “evil”.)

Okay. Well, this post is going to suck to write- Looking at the tangled maze of teachings, secrecy, contradictions, and absolutely strange customs that I STILL don’t see in modern reconstructionism, there does not seem to be a linear way to “explain”, but I will do my best.

First major difference between how I was raised and reconstructionism:  although the concept of Valhalla is known, the logistics of being in a place that is basically daily bloodshed is likely not appealing to peace loving, self-secluded, agrarian cultures when there is an understanding the afterlife is chosen by your belief system, mostly.  However, that being said, “I’ll see you in Valhalla!” said in front of either culture will likely be met with a wince considering Valhalla is for warriors who die in battle, and even then, only under the special conditions of being “Chosen” just prior to the moment of death.  If we go by technical research on concept of Valhalla, there would be less people from modern times chosen for Valhalla than Christian Heaven than in the more violent past from more war-inclined traditions.

Personal opinion? If you are Heathen, make your peace with Frau Holle/Hel(a)/Mara now rather than having to explain why you failed to do so in life.

Grandma from Latvia is still with us- and to her, Jesus was just “another” God, and since he was the one most people around her worshiped HER tradition entailed that if you pray for someone you pray to THEIR God(s), not your own- since “Our Gods might not know them”.  Since my wedding, she has been completely “Out” about her paganism and has become very active in the Latvian spiritual community.  Latvians, like Hindus have literally thousands of Gods- one for each species of flora and fauna.  Even picking flowers, it is polite to thank the plant….and Latvia is more Vanic than Aesir, with Mara (A sort of Holle/Frigg figure) and Janis seeming to have “top spot” (Freyr, his name changed to “Janis” several hundred years ago to keep their primary summer festival “Jani” or “Janistag” by claiming St. John and Freyr are the “same” to nosy Christians.)  The stories from her childhood are truly priceless- of the entire village running from German Lutheran missionaries into the woods when they came to baptize in one of the two local rivers- only to wait until they left to jump into OTHER river to “wash it off”.   When I asked her about Loki, she concluded that he was the same as the Hearth-God Loke  (also found in Finland), who blesses you with Luck if you keep your chimney clean, and fills the flu with dead squirrels if not.

There is something to that- my uncle pulled out six or seven of them one Yule….completely mummified.  However, the Latvian word “Loki” means “onions”. Please do not confuse them if you happen to run into one of the VERY few left of this extraordinarily tiny ethnic group of Lettish Vanir-worshipping druids.  Latvians are a very proud people.

The Latvians tradition I was raised in was pan-polytheistic, there is a “Big God” called “Dievs”- however, he doesn’t interact with humans much in the same way that humans are the host of millions of microscopic organisms that we have no awareness of. That is where the Latvian Pantheon comes in, called “Dievas”- in my family, they are our Ancestors who “stayed around” or plant/animal Gods who help us. The one’s she was most fond of are Janis (Freyr), Mara (Holle), Perkons (Donar/Thor), and Laima, a luck goddess with no close correlation I have found in Europe but I suppose could be rather like a “Northern Lakshmi”- with elements of child-protection as well. A great deal of emphasis is placed on “lucky” animals- particularly ladybugs, squirrels, toads and a magical snake with a crowned head.  Killing any of these “special” animals would basically be very “unlucky”. (Er…disastrous, perhaps?) Different regions of Latvia had slightly different naming conventions as well as customs.  My family was from the South West region, near the Lithuanian border.

Each ethnic group has it’s own traditional dress as well as customs.  I know the costume for my region for women is a full length red velvet skirt, white shirt, white stockings, black shoes, and a stiffly beaded crown with a belt woven by hand of sacred symbols that are similar to SOME of the Futhark.  Unmarried women wore their hair in braids, married women covered their hair when they went outside…a tradition Grandma still practiced when I was a child but seems to have discarded over time.  My particular ancestry was known for having bright green eyes- which was considered both lucky and rare- my Latvian grandmother, my father, and I are the only people in our family still living I’ve seen with green eyes.  Everyone else is either steel-blue, hazel, or brown on either side of my family.

Another tradition I still keep to this day is when I am told of a death of someone who touches either myself or a close friend, I do my best to uphold my responsibility to light a candle to “Light their way” to whatever afterlife they need to find- which, to Latvians has been describes as “Where it is always summer, but never too hot- beer flows like rivers, and you meet Janis.”  However, death customs are complicated.  Most of my childhood (on both sides) seems to have been spent in cemeteries caring for graves, planting flowers, and singing dirges in November as well as Summer in a language I could read out-loud but could not understand except for select words I recognized. (My brother I am reading this too, said “Like Strawberries! Zeminis”)  Hauntings by deceased family are never seen as “bad”, it appears to me.  Family members “wait” and watch after death and sometimes choose not to move on without their most beloved family members.

My grandfather I only know in real life as a headstone in a Latvian section of a cemetery on the Mainline suburb of Philadelphia, what I do know was he was a stern, intelligent man- multilingual, and had an affinity for Tyr.  He spent a great deal of time in Germany, so I am uncertain if that affinity came from a Lettish “Tyr” I do not know or if he “Met Him in Germany”.  Like me, however, he apparently spent a great deal of time studying and exploring other religious traditions.
He was fluent in the elder Futhark as well as the Latvian symbols.  To answer the unspoken question: Yes, I do personally believe my ancestors watch over me and interact when they feel they need to.

Vilanis/Vilanus (Likely spelled horribly incorrectly, but equivalent to Wotan- but “minor” rather than the lead), Latvian pagans say “God walks among men”- implying the Teutonic legend of Woten wandering with his two dogs/wolves (Latvian “dogs” tend towards the more “wolfish” breeds of husky-types and shepherds)  as a beggar looking for kindness among His people.  To feed and shelter him is to be given great luck, to turn him away has usually dire consequence.  In some areas/countries, he is actually depicted as a permanent werewolf, half wolf/human hybrid, or simply a shapeshifter.

The thing with the Lettish deities is she honestly felt they were “left at home” when she left Latvia, believing there were other Gods indigenous to the US that “she does not know”.  Thanks to the hard work of the Latvian Druids there is now a growing voice to the Lettish pagans courtesy of the work of Mr. M. Bisenieks, the husband of her best friend, Maya.  It’s been three years, I STILL haven’t been able to connect with the man…but if you are reading this, please understand I am doing my best, sir.

The difficulty with the the Lettish traditions is several fold.  First of all, our numbers were DECIMATED in WWII by Stalins regime which sent the majority of my ancestry to Siberia, of which, only one family returned. My grandmother was an only child and her father was a diplomat allowing for her immediate family to escape- the next day, the rest of those in her village were captured.  She still relives the day she left, they made an agreement with Germany to give them the farm and livestock in exchange for asylum, with the promise after the war all would be returned to them.  Despite her inability to really “click” with her horse and ride him without getting bitten- she still remembers him with his new German brand-mark coming to the fence as they walked by the last time and that she only had the time to pack one pair of shoes.  She was 8 years old, and spent the entirety of the rest of her childhood and teenage years in what sounds like a rather well-appointed refugee camp that was entirely Latvian.

The Holocaust was not only in Germany- more people died in Russia under Stalin, and thousands of Japanese died in US internment camps as well.   The silence on this issue is deafening; and public school with the innate biases in our textbooks created no end of trouble for me- outspoken and taught from BOTH sides that American news and history lies….even in the 1980’s-90’s before the current socio-political problems of misinformation.   We had newspapers from Latvia, a Ham radio, and German news sources when we could get them.  Further, since Latvia was part of the (now former) USSR, our phone lines were tapped and my grandma and her friends were constantly harassed and hassled much like those of Middle Eastern descent today in our country. History repeats.

Furthermore, in my youth there was a HUGE emphasis placed on blood quantum, at least in the area in which I lived.  My father, despite being German, was treated very poorly by the Latvian community, as was my mother for “marrying outside”… my brother and I are “Half-bloods”.   Latvian children were given the option of attending Latvian camp and school on weekends- which I avoided (due to the reasons stated earlier), my brother did not.  The indigenous religions were not taught, but rather a focus on diplomacy and an emphasis on learning the language so we could “Go back” and “take back” the country from the Russian settlers who have since settled- three generations deep- into the farms of the Latvian diaspora.  My family was unsuccessful in winning back Grandma’s farm after years of work between us and her cousin still “at Home”, sadly… yet on the other hand, how does displacing a Russian family who lives there now (and has lived there for 40+ years) help anything when we have roofs over our heads here?

Considering the dwindling numbers of our ethnic group, I have heard that things have become “warmer” towards people such as I- however, I personally have the feeling (true or simply perception) that my very public association with American Heathen reconstructionism may have created an unintentional rift- despite the fact that I have been asking for help through Grandma to have dinner with the Druids and be taught “properly” so I can better and more accurately relate the stories and integral pieces that unbroken Baltic spirituality brings to the global Heathen community.  My Latvian religious background is a mishmash of my Grandma’s village traditions as well what little education I would accept as a child from Dzidra, a women who TERRIFIED Latvian youths simply by her strangeness, but yet, she also- Tante Dzidra was both our Witch and our Auntie.  She was a nurse by profession, loving and dedicated in her own way  to making sure we were “taught”- but a woman who keeps an ear-piercing gun and vaccination needles in her car is still a mixed blessing to a small child.  Did I mention she was absolutely terrifying?

On her account as well as Maya’s, I was taught forms of Latvian divination, straight-deck card readings as well as the New Years tradition of pouring molten metal into cold water to hold the resulting shape against candle flame to intuit the future for the next year by the shadows cast upon a piece of paper on the table.   I used the cards to make a name for myself as “The Youngest Psychic” reading at faires in Pennsylvania in my teenage years escaping my mother by having the faire organizers saying I was “helping out”.  Either way, I came home with money and really cool minerals and crystals.  I collected rocks (and still do) simply because it was the only thing I could possibly collect my mother couldn’t break or harm me with if they were small enough.  Steal, absolutely…break? not so much.

So, basically, as a child I came to the conclusion that all Latvians were either assholes or completely insane.  I have since revised this, of course- considering that a great deal of the experiences were tainted by the sheer violent nature of my mother.  However, on the bright side EVERY Latvian (and the people we marry) get a SECOND birthday called a Name’s day- the wikipedia article is woefully inaccurate on this in that they claim it derives from Catholic influence- however, even in said article I found in their own definitions the origin detailed by wikipedia contradicts the established tradition of the non-Christian Saami peoples who also have small settlements in North West Latvia, in particular and the “Latvian” section removes all reference to religion whatsoever.  I honestly have no idea why we have Names’ days…but hey!  Second birthday, AWESOME!

On the other side of the family:  my father- who fluctuates between staunch polytheism and “Broad ‘Pascal’s Wager'” semi-agnostic.  Be that as it may, HE was the one who bought all the children’s books on German folklore and “mythology” for my bookshelf- told stories of Loki, Thor, and Odin (Loki, Donar, and Woten, correctly)…  mostly of Loki/Thor, and rather enjoyed telling people he worshiped Loki while people couldn’t tell if he was serious or insane…

But Dad, well, he always liked to keep people guessing regarding that issue.

He also bought books on other European mythos such as “Bullfinch’s Greek Mythology” and my mother had a strange obsession with folktales and fairytales retold in Harlequin fashion.  I got no end of beatings for “stealing” my mother’s books- but honestly, even at age 12 I realized “stealing” a book that is literally 3 feet from my own bedroom is a ludicrous concept.
My father is a great person, but he loves nothing more than to “test” and confuse acquaintances.  Along with Lokeanism, we also had the now great Discordian texts of  “Condensed Chaos”, and “Flatland”.  Science was revered to him and seen as non-adversarial to his personal spirituality- and his talents lie with making machinery and broken technologies “work” with a MacGyver-esque flair.  His sledge hammer is called “Mjollnir”, and he had activities he called “Taunting Thor” meaning climbing large, metal objects in the most stormy conditions simply out of annoyance if we lost a shingle or even if it was simply that our satellite dish was “off” preventing him from watching the Sci-fi channel.  If I had to define him by a modern label- it would be “Braucher-raised techno-mage.”  As to my childhood, by tradition, since my mother was impregnated by him, he felt obligated to marry her to “do the right thing”.  He lived with her for 20+ years in complete misery, but he worked a great deal of overtime to support her and my brother and I- leaving him in the dark regarding my mother’s increasing unpredictability and violence, now without the protective shelter of my extended family since we moved over an hour from any other relatives when I was 12 years old.

Not my entire family is Heathen-  my father’s dad is dead silent regarding religion.  His grandmother he described as “A terrifying Austrian witch who wore nothing but black and purple and had hair down to her ankles.”  I never could get more out of him than that, and in religious conversation, he is silent.

My Nana (Dad’s mom) believes in “Folkcraft”, and despite repeated attempts to convince her to please write down all the old traditions of our family of Hildebrandts, she has adamantly refused.  In my early years she was my absolute favorite relative and really enjoyed her telling me the history of my “unbroken” Braucher line.  Unlike most Braucherei/Hexerei I have met, traditions were passed from women to their daughters.  When my Nana had two sons only, the line was “technically” broken.  However, I do have a female second cousin our section of the family is estranged from who enjoyed many, many more years with my Great-Grandma, Nana Gloria.  Her family were Hildebrandts who were Hexers with the only affiliation with the “Bible” I have been able to discern concretely is entirely reduced to the “Seven books of Moses”- a text used in Brauchei/Hexerei rituals.      My Nana is cagey- and repeatedly, I have seriously pissed her off by being “Public”- which is likely part of the current rift between us.  To her, our traditions are “family only” and that our personal family tradition with the “English” (Non- Deitsche) was to mislead them with misinformation.  As a child, it was apparently a fun game for her elder’s used to play to see what sort of crazy bullshit they could make the “English” researchers believe we practice in our folk medicine.

In reality, most of it was common sense, herbal, and used a great deal of metaphor.  Taking down pictures of family members and storing them reversed as well as sweeping the house after doing so was a sign of absolute displeasure just short of shunning if not outright rejection. My Nana’s mother, Nana Gloria was an expert at making cars break down of people who pissed her off.  She would say, “Just tell the tires to go flat if they cut you off.” I was probably 6.  I guess she figured she wouldn’t live long enough to see me drive…and sadly, she did not.

Again, with the Germans, even MORE time was spent in cemeteries.  In line with common Urglaawe belief, we believed on THAT side of the family that each new child born into the family held the spirit of one deceased… hence, all of us were named after dead family members in our middle names.  My brother was properly named.  I was named after a sociopathic great-grandmother on my Latvian mother’s side who likely strongly contributed to her mental illnesses.  I legally changed the entirety of my name as soon as I could in my 20’s.

That side of the family shares the same belief as the Latvians that our dearly departed “stay” if they choose to guard as well as guide the family.  Dreams of dead relatives are VERY important to us, and despite my Dad’s occasionally fluid beliefs, he still is the first person I go to when I dream of the dead from his side of the family.  Great-Grandma Helena only comes in dreams to complain about 3rd cousins I hardly met, Pop-pop George usually plays pranks on people being assholes to Dad and I in “hauntings”, and Pop, Great-grandma Helena’s husband makes entire houses fill with tobacco smoke despite being a family that is anti-tobacco after Pop-Walter died of lung disease when my father was a child.  Pop Walter was also Deitsche- thrifty, and believed STRONGLY in giving away that which he had no longer use for (as well as the objects owned by others in his household, much to their chagrin).   I didn’t realize until I wrote this that I am the only other person in my family who also jettisons material goods at random to friends and charity spontaneously if I know others can put the items to better use/need more than I.

Corporal punishment of children on my Latvian side was tolerated in our family tradition, however, the German side (German is just SO much easier to spell) placed special love and value on children and punishments were usually chores rather than the futile “Go to your room” or beatings.  My Latvian grandma would only hit if I hit someone else- however, she was beaten severely as was my mother by her mother with birch switches. My mother didn’t have such patience- usually beating me was with whatever object was closest at hand.   Nana Helena would just shake her head at misbehavior- the only “intolerable” thing among us children (me and my seemingly endless amount of 2nd and 3rd cousins) was long hair on men and beards.  She HATED that.   Oddly enough, she was also the only person who was devoutly Catholic in my family which SHE kept secret from all of us until after her death when we found a well-used rosary hidden in a box of greeting cards and my father asked the Priest at the Cathedral across the street to find out she was “sneaking out” to mass.  Considering the polytheistic nature of the countless saints and angels, I do not find any contradiction between a devout Catholic and Polytheism except in semantics.  I held onto her rosary until I moved back Reading, Pennsylvania- near to where she is buried where my father and I buried it under her headstone and planted roses to fill the hole.  The grave of Pop Howard and Nana Helena are absolutely covered with flowers and decorations from my extended family to this day despite her passing in 1995.  It meant a lot to me to add to the “collection”. (unless Nana, Dad’s mom, removed my roses out of spite by now. 😦 )

Punishments from Grandma were more German than those I received from my mother.   My home life was violent, so my fathers side was too busy attempting to save/protect me from my mother’s wrath for punishment, my Latvian grandma worked as did my father except for two wonderful years he was self-employed repairing electronics as my mother worked.  I believe I recall only being yelled at ONCE as a child by my father’s parents for using the couch as a tightrope.

At this current point in time, I am trying my very hardest to reconnect the pieces- I have reached out to my estranged extended family on my fathers side only to find rejection that is not personal, but rather derived from the actions of my grandparents that have harmed them (perceived or real harm- I cannot say, I was not there.)   The same problem exists on the Latvian side.  For my safety, I am estranged from my mother and she holds the “upper-hand” in being able to speak fluent Latvian making going to the Philadelphia Latvian club literally dangerous to me.  Again, if any Latvians are reading this:  You know my mother, I know you understand my predicament.  Please reach out to me- Grandma is 83 and every day is a gift, and I fear if I lose her I will lose this tenuous connection that connects “The Earth Religion” of my ancestors to help correct and shape modern Heathenry and dispel the mythology that we NEED to be “Reconstructed” while thousands of families in the US and Europe live in unbroken tradition that fall under the blanket of “Heathenry”.  Some may not like the word, but words are the only thing that people understand in how to categorize their beliefs.

I honestly find American Heathenry confusing in that regard- how I was raised, I am not Scandinavian, we didn’t have Sumbel, and we only had Toasts on the Latvian side when guests came to visit and very large dinners on both sides.  (The food was better with the Pennsylvania Dutch by far…)  We did not pray- we believed on BOTH sides “gifts” were meant to be greeted with a “Thank you”- and to try to solve one’s own problems.  We believe in self-reliance.  Latvian Grandma still TRIES to shovel before the neighbors stop her… her Latvian customs have spread to her typical suburban Philadelphia neighborhood where everyone on her side of the street is “family” and they all look out for one another- meaning usually the closest man with a snow blower comes to save her the trouble- or at worst, my Uncle gets called by my “Aunt” Jan, Grandma’s next door neighbor, until he arrives from a neighboring suburb with his shovel….sometimes multiple times if the weather conditions are particularly poor.  I live over 2 hours away, but when I lived closer for a year, I came over weekly to help him in caring for her house by mowing, weedwacking, shovelling, etc…

Growing up, it felt like I had dozens of Aunts and Uncles- most of them were actually unrelated to me…but some I still keep in touch with if I have the ability…. and I am happy to see that “modern” Heathenry has adopted a modified form of this custom in Frith and Fellowship.

In BOTH traditions, religion where you “go to church” is more social than anything- true religion is found in daily life and in our productivity- whether it be working, repairing, or study.  “Studying” is valued by the Latvian side- but my Deitsche grandparents are vehemently angry that I am on disability and no matter how much of my time is spent in study or helping others by running online support groups, clergy work, or sheer volume of anonymous writings I contribute online regarding Heathenry answering what questions I can and feeling like an overwhelmed air-traffic controller at times “matching” Heathens with those who can give them the information and communities that will help them best.

In conclusion, this is where I come from- feel free to ask any questions you like in the comment section below.


From Myriad: Dealing with uncomfortable Truths and Dangerous Mouths.

Posted in On the Gods with tags on January 3, 2014 by Tyrienne

This post ties the loose ends neatly from the comments I made regarding my last post- Myriad is a researched German blogger and Lokean with resources available to show an alternative point of view regarding Loki and commonly accepted Heathen texts.


Dealing with Uncomfortable Truths and Dangerous Mouths.

Time Theory, Heathenry, and Past Suffering

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2013 by Tyrienne

AA036979Of all the religions I have come into contact with during the course of my studies, to me, Buddhism is the most incomprehensible and at opposition with my beliefs and experience.  Please, don’t take this to mean I hate Buddhists, quite the opposite, I married a Shaolin monk for Christ’s sake- and I have been fortunate enough to meet many excellent Buddhist (or half Buddhists) over the years that have shown me the religion itself may actually be more full of kind, considerate people than any other… my favorite advisor in college was half Buddhist as well, and often, he was the best person to speak to when everything in my life was crashing down around me.  Buddhism is the belief there is no moment except for the present moment- the past is a memory, the future can only be inferred.  By living in the present moment we free ourselves from attachment to both the pains and joys of the past and also of anticipation for the future, striving, instead, to live within the present moment
One of those things that haunts me is my physical knowledge of time theory.  Picture a train, if you will- you are standing in front of one window of that train so you can see within the cabin- because you entire view of the train is limited to just seeing inside one window of the cabin, you can neither see the engine nor the caboose.
However, I want you now to picture a mountain, at the bottom of this mountain is the same train- only now from your vantage point you not only can see the train, but all the tracks, the surrounding countryside, and the entire route of the object from beginning to end.   This is time theory.  The idea that time is not linear, but rather all existent in one plane all at once (the 4th dimension) however, we can only perceive the smallest portion of it due to the lack of our perception.  However, even in the analogy of the train we find that we are dealing with two forms of perception-  Grand (Macro) or vague perception, and small (Micro) or specific perception.  From the top of the mountain, we cannot see within the cabin of the train without limit our perception of the rest of reality with a set of binoculars, nor can we perceive from the base of the mountain at the train station without similar means.

To me, this is why Sufism is such an intellectually accessible religion; in Sufism, instead of a train we have a book- some grand book that encompasses all that ever was and is to be, however, we live page by page and do not get to see this book until, MAYBE, our deaths should we have lived our lives in accordance to certain humane principles and ideals such as honesty, hospitality, charity, prayer, fasting, pilgrimage, etc.   Instead of the “Now” centeredness of Buddhism, in Sufism, we have focus on the future, and that all deeds performed in the present are entirely in preparation for some perhaps unattainable future goal.

Heathenism, surprisingly enough, appears to be unique in lacking a present focus in favor of both past and future- our rituals are focused on the values and accomplishments of our ancestors, where our deeds are meant to sow the seeds for the future- making us rather cross-eyed in the present as an entirety of a people.   This makes perfect sense to me, having PTSD because I feel the affects of the actions of myself and others from the past vividly daily in the form of flashbacks; however, I also strive to live a pure and honorable life in the present- which is actually made easier by being Lokean/Tyrian rather than more difficult because both my nature of being Lokean and my Tyrian ethics keep my circle of people I interact with commonly small either out of fear of me or by my repulsion of them.   I love Heathenry because there is no credo of accepting “everyone” there are people who are not worthy of my time or presence, and also, there are people who receive no benefit from my existence either.   This truth is missing from other world religions- this is not to say to be inhospitable- far from that, however, after introductions are made and the nature of the person is assessed; we are given the choice to either continue to allow them to affect our wyrd or orlogg (which I will spell every imaginable way in this post) or to avoid them.   9 out of 10 times my choice is avoidance- humans lie, they cheat, they abuse others and they do not care about the consequences of their selfishness- they intentionally inflict pain and act with cruelty then justify their actions by claiming to be part of some sub culture or another, or worse, their Godly nature allows for certain breaches.   In my case, the pain and damage I cause is by being a truth-teller…. not exactly the sort of person you want at your parties, and worse, I am a truth teller with a selective memory so that whatever is unimportant falls through like a sieve where the things that “stick” nag at me for months until they are released via this blog into the open so I can remove the metaphorical itching of witnessing the pains caused by others- how they can act in ways I personally find appalling and would never commit myself and yet, people avoid that elephant in the room with our still-puritanical politeness of decades of Christian indoctrination into our American culture.

Until “Hey, you’re an asshole.” is as acceptable now as it was back in some indeterminate ancestral halcyon time we all seem to claim- the Lokean and the Tyrians will continue to be the least desirable among all Heathens to share a horn with- Lokean truth is seen as disruptive- and outside of leadership roles, the judgements of those who follow Tyr come across as overly harsh an insensitive- if not Neanderthalic in black/white reasoning of what constitutes the good and the bad- the line is clear.    (Which should be to be expected considering records of Tyr predate records of Woten by at least 6000 years, according to Wikipedia)  With Tyr, the line is clear- cheating is always “bad”, whereas being initially hospitable to all people upon first meeting them is “good” until they are proven unworthy of it…should they prove unworthy, they are to be avoided until sufficient progress is made on the part of the offending party to make amends; but more often then not- the severing of ties is permanent- for the more you beg, the more pathetic and useless you are viewed so reconciliation cannot be “bought”; but must be proven by inherent worth to the community at large to once again regain favor…if then.   (Anton LeVay and Tyr would have an interesting relationship, for instance- for where their ideologies meet- they meet exactly, but where they differ, there could not be more extreme differences in point of view….worth a different post, perhaps)

So, anyway back to time theory.  So here we have the proof of physicist and philosophers that time is merely an a-priori perception of the mind, that we cannot see more than three pieces of the puzzle called “life” at a time, and those pieces we have labeled our “past, present, and future”.  The Buddhist is to sit on the piece that is “present” and ignore all else; the Sufi is to discard the past, use the present, keep their eyes on the future for a pleasant afterlife (all monotheistic faiths are similar in this regard), and the Heathen falls into the the trap of ignoring the present moment being stuck with one foot in the past and the other focused on the future- lending ourselves to a faith that is overall confused on a National and International level as those who favor the past are called “Folkish” and those who look forwards almost to the exclusion of the past are labeled “Universalists”  However, in both sets of Heathen practice we find that it is commonly believed that our present actions, especially during sumbel/blot/ritual are timeless and can positively affect the luck/wyrd/oorlog of the past and that of our ancestors by how well we live our lives this moment.

If I were to take my troubled mind out of the equation of my life, I lead an exceptionally blessed existence,  I have a handsome and loving husband, I not only do not have to work, but I am not permitted to on account of illness, I am free, I am well provided for, have companionship of good animals and people- and even a few reliable, honorable family members I can relate to.  However, my mental condition consistently traps me in past experiences and hurts me relentlessly- I am not haunted so much by things I did or did not do-thankfully, I live a life with few regrets, however, I am haunted by lack of proper foresight in those past situations that allowed for my life to spin wildly out of control as I could not step out of the way in time of the train bearing down on the tracks.  Metaphorically speaking, I have been hit by several trains-  lesson learned is to stop playing on the tracks- which, for the most part I have.  If “playing on the the tracks” is interacting with unstable people, then after 31 years of experience, I have finally learned to determine that everyone is unstable to a degree and that the only people worth interacting with are the ones who can fully embrace their own madness with honesty-(throw decorum out the window, please.)   The harder we strive to hide our inner chaos and madness, the harder it bears down upon us and those in our lives- to the point at which some people will even sacrifice innocent peoples lives and reputations to maintain their own facades of dignity and faux-decorum.  This is called gas-lighting, and is often employed by narcissists and sociopaths.  Be very, very careful about the person who desires recognition, fame, money, or achievement- often, that is indicative of a sickness that can drown and maim even the strongest of men around them; in the pursuit of such meaningless accomplishments or feats- integrity and honor often fall by the wayside as other needs are not met and vices are procured to fulfill the inner emptyness that a life set on these things creates.  The vacuum of loss of friends as time is devoted to putting resources together to appear more impressive in exchange for false friends who only serve to boost the ego- making those who speak of moderation into the enemy.   I abhor the person who seeks grandeur for its own sake- but love the quietness of the footsteps of the person who achieves notoriety for doing good deeds for their own sake without any desire for recognition.

I write a great deal, I think, but I don’t make money off of this blog-  I do it as part of an oath I made with Tyr and by extension Loki to prove that Loki and Lokeans are human beings, not to be categorized and dismissed out of hand- just as Loki is not to be dismissed out of hand. In this journal I have shared and will continue to share my personal experiences publicly- I have nothing to hide.  I will show my prejudices- my strengths, and my short comings- but as time passes, my “public” experience of the community becomes less as I draw my shades and focus more exclusively my own life and that of my husband.  When I began this blog, I was very much “in” the community and a consistent attender of events all over- but now, I am much more content to stay home more days often than not and enjoy the company of my new husband.  Some places have rejected us, other places we have rejected- and honestly- it’s about 50/50 as to which is which- even still, we have more invitations than we expect between the two of us, and I have more reception to this blog than I anticipated.  However, Tyr never gave me a timeline here so I have no idea if this is a “forever” thing or if one day I get to ditch this format in favor of a new chapter with a different URL where I just get to go back to simple, personal journalism once more…where I am not intentionally putting the gross details of my life out there for everyone to see.

So, anyway- the solution I have found to my present dilemma came from therapy, I am involved in something called EMDR where I am supposed to remove the emotions from the negative memories and be able to contain them away from my psyche- the only possible way this can be accomplished for me (and apparently, for most with my condition) is to focus on the living conditions of the present moment rather than the traumatic episodes of the past.   In my case, I spend a great deal of time focusing on the time I get to share with Eddie.  From the view of time theory, and from Heathenry, the reason why my life is so good at this present moment is BECAUSE I have already paid the price for it with my past.   Ed found me through another journal I used to write, and without writing we would not have our marriage.  Without keeping record online of everything I have experienced from my life in Spain to College to my poetry- I would have no record of my past except for negative memories.  However, if I take a more Buddhist approach and focus entirely on the ethic of the present moment, then I realize the need for productiveness and the sharing of my personal revelations.

Without writing, I would feel much more guilty about having such an easy life now-  I would feel more lonely, and I would feel purposeless.  If not a single person reads this blog but my husband- I am fine with that.   However, since I know that is not the case let me tie all the loose ends together into a format that makes this coherent to the rest of those who read my rambling thoughts…

PTSD- (Tyr is likely the God most accustomed to it outside the Rokkr), forces one to live in the past-  however, the past is not detached from the present or future.  The “present” is simply a term for the point of view or perspective we hold on our lives at the present moment, or what “eyes” we use to view our lives-  are we viewing remotely or intimately?  Do we look at the greater picture or the minute details of our daily experiences, (if we pay attention to our daily experiences at all…?)

The view from the mountain is lovely, but we miss detail- and although the details of the train are captivating, if we are standing on the tracks to look in the window of one train, anticipating boarding it, we risk being run down by another on a faster track if we do not watch where we place our feet.

The solution is mindfulness- the ability to live, right now, and in the present- to not focus on anticipation or to dwell in regrets OR past glory.   If life is good RIGHT NOW- then it is fair to say you earned the right to that goodness.   If your life RIGHT NOW is chaos, then it is fair to say that you have been negligent and the sum of that negligence is insecurity.   When I look at the times of my life when things were at their worst, it has meant one of two things:

1. This is only a test- make it through this and things will get better.
2. I have ignored all the warning signs and gone “my own way” despite the advice of those wiser than I, leading me into untenable situations…. to get out, I need to extract myself carefully, live ethically, and all will be okay in the eventual future.

Whether or not I am “Okay” at this time is dependent on my state of mind; always, I am materialistically okay; but I have been homeless, lived in an unfinished concrete and drywall room with nothing more than a spare lightbulb- or by the charity of strangers for food and the roof over my head.   I got through those times by a great deal of prayer, sacrifice (including my entire altar to a lake at one point- 15 years of my life- given to four cardinal directions of water)  It took patience, it took waiting. suffering, and asking for help, even when asking for help meant becoming estranged from those I cared for (who, I had to accept, were NOT helping).  It was a matter of putting aside my pride and TALKING both in writing and out loud about what was happening and had happened…. realizing that as long as I use my voice, as long as there is a record of my thoughts and my writings, then it’s a lot easier to clear up misunderstandings, and MUCH harder for people to lie about who I am and where I stand for their own personal gain.

Writing in journals like this has saved my life, my degrees, and my reputation in some regards- everything I write is honest to the best of my perceptions, and keeping records of what I have thought, said, and believed shows a progression.  No one person is supposed to stay stagnant, and, ideally, my favorite people are the ones who admit to striving to learn something new, experience something new, or do something to further their intellectual and spiritual growth daily- even if it just means watching a movie they have never seen before on Netflix or taking a new way home from work.

Time theory at one time lead me to an institution for 10 days, because my life was so fucked up I couldn’t understand why and how if there is no “reality of serial time” that I could suffer so miserably at that moment.   I suffered because either I was either not living in the present and mourning the past too acutely, or that I could not see the larger picture that time had to offer- the Heathen way- that perhaps I brought it on myself by not being as Tyrian (honest) as I should have been, and in lying to save another person, I had ruined my own Wyrd for that moment.

My life improved when I stopped trying so hard to protect a man not worth my protection, by bringing Tyr’s influence back into my life into a place of prominence where I could once again claim with honesty I was no liar.  It involved a great deal of pain; and still, my honesty causes me loss of friends- however, I have lived the other way. I have lied for who I thought was a friend and almost lost my literal life over it….by placing the needs of a narcissist above my own without the consciousness of realizing I was doing so.  I was told by Loki to protect my professor, and I did.  I saved his life by speaking up and preventing him from being assassinated in Turkey.  My responsibility was not to lie for him to cover up why he was not properly doing his job, nor was it to lie to make him appear better than me and disgracing myself in favor of his reputation when he was the one who was behind on our joint work, not I.

Should I have listened to my inner instincts, I would have known lying at all is never the correct solution to anything at all- and even with the best of intentions, one lie can damage the Wyrd severely.

Kant was wrong in that regard, bad actions with good intentions still lead to ultimately negative outcomes.  Furthermore, there is no such thing as a negative intention- there is reactionary intentions, sure.  But few set out intentionally to cause harm without reason or purpose.  With that being said, if the action is good, the result will likely follow to be good as well.

Be productive
Be Honest
Live in the present
See life from both the micro and macro perspectives
Be frithful
and be grateful and happy for what you have been blessed with.

…and if you can’t bear to raise the horn to Loki- raise it to Woten.  Loki gets some of that honor anyway.
…and if you cannot raise the horn to Tyr in good conscious, realize you fucked up massively in life and need to do some serious self assessment.


On Racism, Neo-Nazism, and Everything that Bunches your Panties!

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2013 by Tyrienne
I'm an equal opportunity hater.

I’m an equal opportunity hater.

Wow, that reaction to the last post was fast.   I was in the shower and it came to me “Great post, I’m proud of you- Now you need to quickly bury it with another on that other people want to hear about.”

Thanks, Loki.

So, this might come as a surprise to some of you, but did you know that each and every single member of the human race comes with a unique background, experiences, upbringing, education level, interests, and biases?  It is true!  Not only that, but most human beings HATE being classified into neat little boxes and discarded because they hold a point of view that is unpopular that thereby renders everything else they have to offer to the community as null and void!

So, the great, big topic in Heathenry these days is racism and the influence of the neo-nazi movement on our religion at large.  There are two sides to this great debate-  the “Folkish ‘ We’re not racists, we just hate black people'”  side, and the Universalist “Love everyone! Except for Nazi’s,  Or Else we’ll hate you!” side.

Hmmm.   Hard choice, there.   I would like to relay to you a prejudice that I have before I answer the question:

I DESPISE faux-blonde soccer moms in SUV’s.  I absolutely hate them.  Everytime I see one on the road, my blood boils- from their loud Ke$ha or KidsBOP music, to their screaming spawnlings in the back seats, to their inability to park in just one space.  I hate seeing them spend 20 minutes fondling their purses as I wait for a parking space at the China Buffet.  Bitch, I wear my keys on my belt with a climbing clip….if your purse is deep enough to fear purse coyotes sucking you into the depths of your Louis Vuitton special edition whore’s purse snatch syndicated bag ;  I will not only join organizations against your kind, but I will burn effigies of Life-size LaBoutin heels on your lawn until you move you and your hell-spawn back to some urban area where I never have to deal with the likes of your people again.

An older blonde. Purse Coyotes. I would pay to genetically engineer an army of them.

So, anyway, racists.   No.  I am not a racist.  I find the entire idea of race delightfully amusing in the “Aryan” community being a former student of Persian studies knowing that “Aryan” is a cognate of “Iranian” and “Caucasian” comes from the word “Caucus” referring to the mountain range which divides Turkey from Persia (aka Iran).

As in my last post there are people in this world I cannot stand- the above examples as well as the one in the previous post being on a list.  HOWEVER…this is how I actually feel.

I don’t care who you are friends with,  if you are friends with me, you can be sucking Hitler’s dick as long as you don’t expect me to do likewise.   Same thing goes for if you are friends with an Oathbreaker or a tiny blonde woman in a SUV.  If I am friends with you, I have no doubt made my stance on the matter clear-  I choose neither “Side”, but take each person as an individual to determine if they are worthy of my time. (Groupthink is bad, people…look it up). Your friends are not my friends.  You are my friend…unless I meet your friend and get to assess them with my personal judgement skills I have no right to judge them…. and even if you ARE friends with someone I dislike- guess what?


(again…friends with you, don’t care who you have lightsaber wars with your cock with)

Furthermore, the movement to annex the “Neo-Nazi’s” out of the community is a terrible idea considering that from an outsider’s perspective, the words of a Neo-Nazi Heathen are no less and no more viable than a non Neo-Nazi.

What I propose is this- if you want to make a difference in how people see the world…. TALK To THEM…but not with the express purpose of changing them, since that in underhanded and dishonorable.   The best way to deal with racism is to have an open dialogue about it.  If racist and non-racist mix, who knows?  Maybe we can all find something to hate together… like the war in the Middle East which has been eating all our resources in the US, or tiny little blonde women in great big SUV’s.

I have friends on both sides of this fence which would make both sides blanch in indignation.  “How COULD you?!”  I would be asked.  Easy… they run one hell of a sumbel/make awesome potpie/come out with interesting newsletters.

The key to unity and harmony is moving the focus AWAY from racism altogether and finding common ground- the more you focus on any difference, the more that difference shines and detracts away from any hope of reconciliation.

Politically, I belong to “The Troth”.  However, I have friends, good friends, who do not agree with “The Troth’s” stances on many issues…. and that is okay.

With that being said.  If anyone is interested in (metaphorically) burning down a Sephora store in a upscale shopping center (or even just zombie-flashmobbing one) let me know.

As for Loki- let it be also known that my Patron God has never singled out any group for hatred or spite- but instead has been both an equal opportunity lover and hater.


Shedding Skin

Posted in Justice, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2013 by Tyrienne

I have learned many things in my 31 years on this Earth; the number 1 lesson is “No one likes the unvarnished Truth.”

The truth is, I’m likely more intelligent and articulate than most of you, truth is, I am more often right than when I am wrong- and when I am wrong I am honestly surprised and the first to apologize.  However, were I a concert violinist, no one would find it amiss if I were to state I am likely a better musician than you- however; should the topic change to thought processes, creativity, and pure reasoning power- well, there is a reason I have been plagiarized, feared, and harmed.   I can hold up a mirror and for my flaws in my memory, I can remember certain important facts that people do not want publicized.  In Green Lantern, even Synestro is known as a truth-teller and he’s the greatest enemy in the franchise (or at least the best known).  Like a snake, I am bored and I am listless…I itch as if I have skin I wish to shed….so I am going to do so in this post:

Fact #1.  I know locally famous “magician” who claims to work with light, but in fact was the same magician who introduced my husband and I to ancient Sumerian deities personally- and works with questionably “dark” sources without giving them their due.   Look, the whole light/dark dichotomy is an illusion in the first place- but to demonize both my husband and I for what is barely secret does nothing more than give Ed and I a sort of allure and Je ne sais quoi that makes us appear more exotic and desirable to get to know.  It’s backfiring; now we have people thinking we a couple of warlocks and more people want to meet us rather than less.  Baphomet and Lilith say “Hello ungrateful wretch,” by the by.

Fact #2.  I know a person who claims to be a College professor of Philosophy in a local technical institute who he himself has never set foot into a college for his own education….not only that, has disparaged my own education and does not even know the very foundations in Greek and Asian philosophy.  I would surprised if he could explain the analogy of “Plato’s Cave” without getting lost in the shadows, so to speak… and yet, he considers himself a great teacher and wonders why people blew off his classes.  Fact.  My husband also got him the job because he FAILED the personality test, then stole dozens of hours of Kung Fu lessons from my husband without compensation or fair exchange.  That is the fault of my husband; who was naive enough to allow it to happen.  Get with me; less naive, then the status quo changes.   Enjoy modifying your teaching style to your flavor of the week of people immensely more successful than you dyslexic, insecure, vitriolic fool.   If Yoga and macrobiotics are so good for you; please do, then, explain how your hairline continues to recede.  Unless you have compensated for that as well by explaining it gives your “Third eye more room to breathe.”

Fact #3.  Anti-Lokeans with no sense of humour.  My facebook audience is comprised of friends…and once it was friends and you.   So, we have a priestess and her oaf of a husband who have more reputation behind spreading rumors than they do for any positive influence they have contributed to the community.  Nice.  Enjoy holding fainings in bowl-o-rama’s and Starbucks’- Oh, wait, I forgot- nothing remotely Heathen is discussed at such events, but rather, it would be better served to be renamed the “Berks’c County Science Fiction Appreciation Society.”

Also-  A kindred with three people is a “Triad” not a “Kindred”.  Ed has debated appearing at one of your events for “old time’s sake” to see how you would all react to the “Great Necromancer” you have built him up to be- however, time is scarce when he is home as it is.

When I first moved to Reading I found my life to be entirely different- ignorance was bliss I suppose.  I didn’t lack for activity (we also had two cars then).  First after dealing from the backlash of the Dishonorable Oathbreaking Whore who shared her home with my husband and was upset I ruined her delusional plans to leave her husband for Ed.  Question:  If you want to leave your husband, why not leave him FIRST then pursue other men?   This is also a GREAT question for the other Oathbreaking whore I know.

Fact #4  I don’t like Oathbreakers.  At all.   I have had to single handedly combat the false stereotype of Lokeans everywhere being considered Oathbreakers by nature.  Loki is no Oathbreaker, I believe you have Him confused with Odin.  Where now there is a psuedo-academic running around on her new husband, making a huge show of it to the point where it is obvious to anyone with eyes, and I am told *I* should reach out to reconcile with the very thing that I myself am Oathed to combat?  Sweetheart,  being a Lokean doesn’t give your carte blanch to be a liar, nor a whore.   If you want to be a whore, Great!  I have no problem with whores, but don’t lie about it- release your husband from his contract made in bad faith, unpoison your well of Wyrd, and live polyamourously.   I don’t care how many papers you write, or how many events you create.

Oathbreaker, Oathbreaker, Oathbreaker.

I call you out and your community knows you.  Your husband is a hero and you are a little child pretending to be a woman pretending to be a edgy eternal collegiate whore.  I do not absolve you of your lies to me.  You did not break your oath by “Falling in love” with another man.  You broke your marriage vows by revolving your life around a man who is not your spouse.  Your kinsmen is little better for not confronting you directly as he oathed to US, but instead began the rumor mill surrounding you.   Keep proving to yourself you are clever enough to be a Lokean, but I don’t see it.

So, anyway, back to Reading.  This place is a cesspool of twisted fucks, backstabbers, and pretentious fools with more money than sense- especially in Wyomissing.   I want change, but I am stuck here for an entire year more.  I have dipped my toes into the pool of other communities, but time constrains me, as does lack of transport as well as attempting to live without marijuana as a promise to my spouse until it is legalized, sadly, most communities that interest me are woven together with hemp threads which forces me to be more wary than I would like.

Do you want to know my flaws?  Read my blog, I have listed them repeatedly-  I am a judgemental Tyrian with severe anxiety disorders seeking treatment.  I worry too much, I think more than I should and I trap myself in my own mind more often than I like.  But I am no liar, no Oathbreaker, nor am I twisted, hidden, or grossly attempting to hide my shame behind false legitimacy.

I seek help when I need it, and I admit when I’m wrong.  But after 31 years- let’s expedite this process a bit.  Instead of waiting a few years for the issues to have evaporated before you come before me with your hearts in your hands and your apologies, I challenge you to do it now- while things are still fresh, and I will take the parts pertaining to you down.

Little Lokeans, watch and learn.  THIS is flyting, and this is how to be a true Lokean.  Not by being deceptive, but by being the firelight before the mirror that exposes the weak to their own selves to where they cannot close their eyes and look away.

You know who you are.  I am bored, what better reason is there than that to stir things up a bit?  Also, I am in desperate search for a LEGITIMATE, kind Yoga studio, not in a gym, that does not charge an arm and a a leg for at least 3+ sessions per week.  If you are aware of one in Berks county, please advertize in the comments below.  There is no reason why yoga outside of this area goes for $60 a month and under- but here it averages to around $100 for the privilege of existing in this shitpit called Reading, Pa.


Unholy Scapegoats and Sacred Martyrs. Posting in Delerium.

Posted in On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 25, 2013 by Tyrienne

My gods  I have been utterly irresponsible towards myself the last 24 hours and I know it.  I itch, horrendously- all over, a long forgotten side effect of a medication I requested to help “cure” me of bronchitis.  The medication is a cough syrup containing Vicodan, a drug I have been well acquainted with for several years as it was used to treat my pain prior to my hysterectomy.

However irrelevant this may seem, I also know that it is also a consequence of me getting dangerously close to breaking an Oath I made to Tyr almost a year ago regarding Loki. That I would figure out a way to improve His name and reputation in the community, do or die.  I would figure it out, why, these two Gods out of several pantheons had decided to involve themselves in my life personally…and I have slacked off, not posting things and insights I have received in favor of doing other things.  Not because I do not love my Gods, but because occasionally, I just want out of the entirety of the community, to be honest.

In the last year, several changes have occurred overall, some worse, some for the better.  The Troth is now openly accepting of Lokeans, there are Lokean communities, support, and a networks all over the web that did not exist a year ago.  I have met several wonderful people, I have been blessed enough to be treated with deference I am not quite certain I have earned- and scorn I know for a fact I know I did not earn. However, a punch line needs to come out of somewhere and I have been meandering around it for months.

I know one other person off the top of my head who works with both Loki and Tyr extensively, Thor Sheil, and even he does not limit his conversations to those two Gods exclusively.  However, constantly, the two come up- oftentimes in the same conversations.

My husband is of the belief that our Gods represent more of a sacred archetype sort of structure; metaphors and thought forms created by human existence that gain power through cumulative centuries of belief.  I disagree with him, personally, and have a much more C.S. Lewis look on cosmology where everything that has ever been thought of exists and breathes with life.  That the act of creation itself is sacred- whether it be in parenting or in writing, and like Narnia- Gods of air, fire, sky, and water coexist and rule under some great universal consciousness.  I believe that all the time there has ever been has already been written; however, I also believe in extensive and perpetual editing as well.

Why am I itching?  I took too much damned vicodan. I am not blaming the illness, it was irresponsible- and instead of dealing with discomfort, I decided to double up on my dose last night hoping to sleep only to awaken itching first thing in the morning like a motherfucker.

So, back to the story line here.  There are two Gods, one is a scapegoat and one is a martyr.  I cannot accurately say they are “My” Gods, so much as I am one of “Their” people.  Which blows my mind and keeps me humbled that no matter what happens with my Earthly family here, I have Gods who specifically teach me and care for me- as well as other Gods as well.  I owe a debt of gratitude to Freyr, Inanna, Odin, Bast, Hanuman, and Ganesha as well- and likely countless others.

I am delirious at the moment with fever….but I need to get this point across:  A scapegoat is the same thing as a martyr- the only difference is the martyr willingly and consciously makes the decision to put themselves in harm’s way for the highest good.  The scapegoat, the “Highest good” places blame on to keep general unity and consensus among the community- for nothing forms tighter bonds than a hatred towards a common enemy.

Problem: Loki is no one’s enemy.  Loki’s crime is admitting he is imperfect, that he makes mistakes, he atones for them, he sacrifices, he creates anew, solves problems and through Him the vast majority of the symbols that represent our faith are directly through his work.  Every person who wears a Thor’s hammer, to Loki should be double grateful.   For it was Loki who commissioned it’s creation, as well as through Loki it was returned when it was stolen.  Odin’s horse, Sleipnir, is Loki’s son- to whom he is Mother….Odin’s Raven’s- are a gift from Loki’s daughter, Hel. Through Hel, Bragi survives Ragnorak to take charge of the new pantheon.  Freyr’s ship, Odin’s armband, Idunna’s sanity- Loki, Loki, Loki, again.

Then, when he isn’t invited to the feast of the Gods, he is rightly incensed. He flytes. He points out their flaws, and is condemned,  tied to a rock according to some accounts, as his sons are slayed before him.  Loki watched as his one wife was burned before him, not once, but three times as his other children were condemned as “monsters” as accounted by the Norn’s- who’s advice created nothing more than self-fulfilling prophecies that were listened to by the younger Gods.

Loki son of Jotuns, son of Farbouti, God of Lightning and illness as well as Laufey, the Goddess of needles or trees depending on how you look at it. Literally- Loki’s creation was the fire of lightning upon leaves.  He was born fire.

Which leads me to Edward’s post about Norse genealogy here.

Through the perversions of Marvel comics and Christianity we have created a false dichotomy that Aesir= good and Jotuns=bad.

Now, here is the second half of the story:

Tyr, older than all the other Gods combined, records predating most of the traditional stories- the God of Sky, war, and justice. The one handed one, the martyr God.  Also, son of giants, one frost, one fire who was disowned by his own family when He decided to throw in his lot with the Aesir.  Why?  Because the Aesir needed an incorruptible judge, an elder, and one to guide them to show them the meaning of justice.  Tyr is the greatest of all fighters, the most terrifying of all the Aesir from personal accounts.

If Loki’s truth is the difficult truth that needs speaking, then Tyr is master of the sacrifice- (Other than Kvasir), Tyr has had to give up/leave behind what has meant the most to Him to do “The right thing.”.  Tyr is never villinized, because Tyr is seen as perfect in his imperfection.  He could grow back his hand, but He understands that would make the sacrifice of it meaningless.  The loss of His hand is a constant reminder of the costs of breaking oaths to both humans and Gods alike.  Tyr suffers/ed to show the “right” thing is not the “easy” way to do things….and He has lost it all because of it.  His family, His hand, and eventually, his Life.

Tyr is the judge, the martyr, the one who fixes.  He is the wise old man who grieves the injustice of the universe alone on His mighty shoulders.  He looks at all consequences and leads by example.  If you break an oath, prepare to lose what is dear to you.  Unlike Christianity, we are free to judge who we may and may not allow in our lives.  However, there are consequences.   And He who seems to be friend of everyone has no friends at all.  Tyr has no family, he was disowned, and yet, he pays the price for the dishonor of the family to which He adopted, in the end, losing his life as a payment for all oaths broken- so that a new dawn may arise in Baldr- in peace, and Vanic prosperity.   To lose the Aesir to the Vanir is to go from the Ego of man back to the realization that we are part of all nature. Just as the Jotuns once were.  Tyr was the stop-gap- Tyr, the self-hating, Tyr the teacher of those to whom no one else would teach- he who taught Hel at His mighty feet and befriended Fenrir.  The one who kept the “old ways” alive as the “new religion” took over.

Loki, is seen as the fuck up, but fixed far more than he ever disrupted., he is “Liar” who never lies, the “oathbreaker” who broke no oaths, and a foil to Tyr in some strange way.  Loki points out the Aesir’s corruption, and is bound, He who takes chances and occasionally loses and then pays back threefold.

The problem with Loki is NOT that he is Jotun, it is that he is too human-  To understand Loki is understand we are all fallible.  That our best intentions and our best jokes can turn sour, and that no matter how much we pay to make amends. It’s easier to hate and fear than it is to accept that our Gods, like us, are imperfect and they know it….and like humans, they do not like to be reminded of their shortcomings either.

So, I agree with Edward to a point- our PERCEPTION of the gods is archetypal…but the reality it far from what we can begin to comprehend.   Like it or not, Loki is Thor’s primary traveling companion.  Like it or not, Loki is Odin’s blood brother- and each horn, stein or cup raised to Odin is also raised to Him as well, like it or not.

Loki is the cleverness we secretly covet, but do not possess ourselves.
Tyr is the God we look up to with the greatest respect- but never speak to for fear of what He may say.

It is been evident that those close to Loki in the human realm are often maligned, but I am happy to report it seems to become an increasingly rarer phenomenon; as we evolve as a community we realize we do not need to hide all of our mistakes along the way, that the clever man is not the same as dishonorable one.

But I can tell you this, for all the shit that I have been through in my life, it was not through Loki’s intercession that I experienced it. It was Tyr.  This is not blame…this is truth….and it was MY choice to follow this pathway. I was not forced to by any means- I was ASKED to, and I accepted this and all it entailed.

To be Tyrian is to be the one to say “You are wrong” when it could cost a friendship. It is to sacrifice to keep the greater whole healthy rather than to “Keep calm and carry on”. It is to correct injustice when given any opportunity to, regardless of who originally caused it initially.

Loki is kind, Loki is caring, Loki is the protector of the lost children, the comfort to the outcast and the clever.    Tyr is no comfort, but action.  Tyr is standing your ground, the life of Tyr is not one of polite lies- but of polite silence until the silence becomes injustice….then Tyr is the voice to cry “foul”….Tyr is the stop-gap that reminds us of our roots when we are rootless.  Tyr is also the one whose existence itself disproves many of the kennings against Loki since He, too, is a son of Jotuns and a God of fire.

Many people venerate Tyr, call themselves Tyrspersons, and then hide and lie constantly falsely believing that justice is the equivalent to “getting what one wants”.  Many call themselves Lokian but do not possess the cleverness nor the generosity to be truly His.

You don’t get to pick your God’s at the local God*Mart.   They pick you.

Some people call me self centered.  That’s fine…because outside of the Gods, I am the person who I interact with the most on a daily basis…but what you don’t see is the hours I spend on the phone or on facebook comforting strangers and friends…you don’t see how often I am a nexus that connects people to other people, nor do you see me as anything more than a girl who complains all the time about my health or my past.

However, I can say that in being open about my own troubles, in putting out my imperfections, I have been told countless times that I have helped others.  My metaphorical “missing hand” has comforted many people.  I might make some of you squeamish by talking about my trips to the psyche ward- but to someone else, I just gave them the courage to seek help they desperately needed.

If what I write does not apply to you, than perhaps what I have to teach does not apply to you…I can show you my life through this blog, and I can share my mistakes to help others from making the same ones.

Lesson of the day:  Do not underestimate the power of Tussionex- follow the dosage on the bottle or in the morning you will look like you came out the loser in a fight against a dumpster full of rabid ally cats.

This delerium was brought to you by Bronchitis, Tyr, and Loki.


Posted in About me, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , on August 14, 2013 by Tyrienne

Laura began the attunement, and I was to call in my guides.  AA036979

I closed my eyes, my feet on the floor and I grounded myself to the Earth, entering into a trance-state.  There He stood, that same red hair and black coat- those green-beyond green eyes… and He took me into His arms and asked me not to be afraid “Hey, you are really going to like this!”  He reassured me.  Before the experience went further, I asked him about the whole God-spouse thing everyone had been talking about-  and he simply laughed and teased me gently. “What, is one man not enough for you?!”  I knew from his tone he knew I wanted nothing of the sort from Him.  He then indicated, with His arms around me “It happens: Now.”

Black fog like smoke filled my vision completely blanking out the vision entirely until all I saw was solid blackness….then from that blackness, I saw a fire- blue, violet…then all colors- and as the fire grew it consumed the darkness until it seemed I was looking at a cloudless blue sky on the brightest summer day imaginable.

Another voice came to me, and a memory:  “Do you remember, Ren, that every yoga class you were told to dedicate your practice to someone other than yourself?  Do you remember who you dedicated it to?”

I assented, Yes, I remembered.  A former friend of my husbands who no matter what I did, it was always wrong…and I blamed myself for the deterioration of their friendship still.

“There is nothing to blame you for, Ren…. you Gave all you could- and he wanted more.  This is energy work, you did no wrong; in fact you did RIGHT.”

…and I felt at peace, like something inside of me released.  Earlier in the day, I was in class and we were looking up the meanings of animals- and a fly was landing on me-  Fly meant, according to the book my friend Wray possessed that I was holding onto past issues that needed to be released.  I am still upset over my cat (after everything in my life, I get upset about a cat and a somebody who was a jerk to me once….typical.)

But I never realized I was holding onto that particular issue still.  The other meditation, we were to meet our guides…. before us was a pine forest with ancient trees thick as sequoias. Barefoot, I walked a path cushioned by pine needles, leaves and moss-  I could hear a familiar chuffing noise from the branches to my side….and from the left side came my giant Red elk…his muscles clearly define as he touched his forehead to my own and allowed me to reach my fingers into his thick fur- he walked beside me a while…until we were interrupted as we sat in a green meadow.  A crow landed on his antlers and called to me.. “We’ll wait”, they indicated.  When we resumed- I was taken back through the woods- It looked like the same path but it ended up at an entirely different place than where I began.  I plateau-  or rather, an old cliff I used to sit upon overlooking a river near where I used to live in Easton.  On this, there was a seat for me- beside me the Elk gracefully layed and the crow perched on my shoulders to play with my earrings.

Before me was every student I had every taught, people I had yet to teach- and the weight of responsibility…. I felt confused and distressed.  Who am I to teach anyone?  I’m a nut job on SSD;  Who wants to read what I write?  Why do I have to write a book?  Why are people asking me for advice?

I was confused because on one hand, ego is bad for the soul- on the other, how can one be trusted with so many people?  There are plenty of people who hate me, sure- but I don’t usually care enough to notice.  But what about the people who respect me?  Am I doing enough?  Am I guiding them correctly?  Where do I have any authority whatsoever to be anything at all?

On this seat, I felt older, with the power and responsibility of a queen on a throne- each person who had guided me for good or for ill along the way, a piece of the throne itself- placed their by their own hands- making me who I am, who I was, and who I am going to be.  Reminding me I am never alone, I can only do what I feel is best with what resources I have available to me at any given time.

….and that is, apparently, enough.

Aaaaand….that was it.  I was brought out and I was attuned for Reiki II, over a decade after my last teacher passed away only a month after she told me and her daughter that she was “Given the choice to stay here or to leave, but she chose to stay for her children.”

Then I remembered, sometimes, things only look like choices.  Things are what they are.  She passed away in a house fire- and only her eldest daughter escaped.

You can listen to me, but you do not have to follow me- and I would never ask anyone to do so.

You can ask my advice, but you are never beholden to take it if you choose otherwise.

I can teach you what I know, but only if you understand that not even the Norse know everything….and I know even less.

I will not force you into anything unless you put me into a situation where I would violate any Oath I have made, then I will do what is necessary to keep my honor intact.

I am not beholden to be anyone’s friend, nor am I beholden to be any person’s enemy.  You can love me or hate me- that does not mean you are entitled to my energy in return if I do not wish it.

…and overall, I will do what I feel is right, what I feel will lead me to happiness.  I have no other goals other than to live to be free to pursue my happiness, secure the happiness of my spouse, and to live honorably, personally, regardless of however many rumours or lies may fly around regarding me.

I am me.  That is enough…because that is all I have to give to the world.

I cannot be more or less than who I am at this moment to anyone.