Archive for Justice

Time Theory, Heathenry, and Past Suffering

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2013 by Tyrienne

AA036979Of all the religions I have come into contact with during the course of my studies, to me, Buddhism is the most incomprehensible and at opposition with my beliefs and experience.  Please, don’t take this to mean I hate Buddhists, quite the opposite, I married a Shaolin monk for Christ’s sake- and I have been fortunate enough to meet many excellent Buddhist (or half Buddhists) over the years that have shown me the religion itself may actually be more full of kind, considerate people than any other… my favorite advisor in college was half Buddhist as well, and often, he was the best person to speak to when everything in my life was crashing down around me.  Buddhism is the belief there is no moment except for the present moment- the past is a memory, the future can only be inferred.  By living in the present moment we free ourselves from attachment to both the pains and joys of the past and also of anticipation for the future, striving, instead, to live within the present moment
One of those things that haunts me is my physical knowledge of time theory.  Picture a train, if you will- you are standing in front of one window of that train so you can see within the cabin- because you entire view of the train is limited to just seeing inside one window of the cabin, you can neither see the engine nor the caboose.
However, I want you now to picture a mountain, at the bottom of this mountain is the same train- only now from your vantage point you not only can see the train, but all the tracks, the surrounding countryside, and the entire route of the object from beginning to end.   This is time theory.  The idea that time is not linear, but rather all existent in one plane all at once (the 4th dimension) however, we can only perceive the smallest portion of it due to the lack of our perception.  However, even in the analogy of the train we find that we are dealing with two forms of perception-  Grand (Macro) or vague perception, and small (Micro) or specific perception.  From the top of the mountain, we cannot see within the cabin of the train without limit our perception of the rest of reality with a set of binoculars, nor can we perceive from the base of the mountain at the train station without similar means.

To me, this is why Sufism is such an intellectually accessible religion; in Sufism, instead of a train we have a book- some grand book that encompasses all that ever was and is to be, however, we live page by page and do not get to see this book until, MAYBE, our deaths should we have lived our lives in accordance to certain humane principles and ideals such as honesty, hospitality, charity, prayer, fasting, pilgrimage, etc.   Instead of the “Now” centeredness of Buddhism, in Sufism, we have focus on the future, and that all deeds performed in the present are entirely in preparation for some perhaps unattainable future goal.

Heathenism, surprisingly enough, appears to be unique in lacking a present focus in favor of both past and future- our rituals are focused on the values and accomplishments of our ancestors, where our deeds are meant to sow the seeds for the future- making us rather cross-eyed in the present as an entirety of a people.   This makes perfect sense to me, having PTSD because I feel the affects of the actions of myself and others from the past vividly daily in the form of flashbacks; however, I also strive to live a pure and honorable life in the present- which is actually made easier by being Lokean/Tyrian rather than more difficult because both my nature of being Lokean and my Tyrian ethics keep my circle of people I interact with commonly small either out of fear of me or by my repulsion of them.   I love Heathenry because there is no credo of accepting “everyone” there are people who are not worthy of my time or presence, and also, there are people who receive no benefit from my existence either.   This truth is missing from other world religions- this is not to say to be inhospitable- far from that, however, after introductions are made and the nature of the person is assessed; we are given the choice to either continue to allow them to affect our wyrd or orlogg (which I will spell every imaginable way in this post) or to avoid them.   9 out of 10 times my choice is avoidance- humans lie, they cheat, they abuse others and they do not care about the consequences of their selfishness- they intentionally inflict pain and act with cruelty then justify their actions by claiming to be part of some sub culture or another, or worse, their Godly nature allows for certain breaches.   In my case, the pain and damage I cause is by being a truth-teller…. not exactly the sort of person you want at your parties, and worse, I am a truth teller with a selective memory so that whatever is unimportant falls through like a sieve where the things that “stick” nag at me for months until they are released via this blog into the open so I can remove the metaphorical itching of witnessing the pains caused by others- how they can act in ways I personally find appalling and would never commit myself and yet, people avoid that elephant in the room with our still-puritanical politeness of decades of Christian indoctrination into our American culture.

Until “Hey, you’re an asshole.” is as acceptable now as it was back in some indeterminate ancestral halcyon time we all seem to claim- the Lokean and the Tyrians will continue to be the least desirable among all Heathens to share a horn with- Lokean truth is seen as disruptive- and outside of leadership roles, the judgements of those who follow Tyr come across as overly harsh an insensitive- if not Neanderthalic in black/white reasoning of what constitutes the good and the bad- the line is clear.    (Which should be to be expected considering records of Tyr predate records of Woten by at least 6000 years, according to Wikipedia)  With Tyr, the line is clear- cheating is always “bad”, whereas being initially hospitable to all people upon first meeting them is “good” until they are proven unworthy of it…should they prove unworthy, they are to be avoided until sufficient progress is made on the part of the offending party to make amends; but more often then not- the severing of ties is permanent- for the more you beg, the more pathetic and useless you are viewed so reconciliation cannot be “bought”; but must be proven by inherent worth to the community at large to once again regain favor…if then.   (Anton LeVay and Tyr would have an interesting relationship, for instance- for where their ideologies meet- they meet exactly, but where they differ, there could not be more extreme differences in point of view….worth a different post, perhaps)

So, anyway back to time theory.  So here we have the proof of physicist and philosophers that time is merely an a-priori perception of the mind, that we cannot see more than three pieces of the puzzle called “life” at a time, and those pieces we have labeled our “past, present, and future”.  The Buddhist is to sit on the piece that is “present” and ignore all else; the Sufi is to discard the past, use the present, keep their eyes on the future for a pleasant afterlife (all monotheistic faiths are similar in this regard), and the Heathen falls into the the trap of ignoring the present moment being stuck with one foot in the past and the other focused on the future- lending ourselves to a faith that is overall confused on a National and International level as those who favor the past are called “Folkish” and those who look forwards almost to the exclusion of the past are labeled “Universalists”  However, in both sets of Heathen practice we find that it is commonly believed that our present actions, especially during sumbel/blot/ritual are timeless and can positively affect the luck/wyrd/oorlog of the past and that of our ancestors by how well we live our lives this moment.

If I were to take my troubled mind out of the equation of my life, I lead an exceptionally blessed existence,  I have a handsome and loving husband, I not only do not have to work, but I am not permitted to on account of illness, I am free, I am well provided for, have companionship of good animals and people- and even a few reliable, honorable family members I can relate to.  However, my mental condition consistently traps me in past experiences and hurts me relentlessly- I am not haunted so much by things I did or did not do-thankfully, I live a life with few regrets, however, I am haunted by lack of proper foresight in those past situations that allowed for my life to spin wildly out of control as I could not step out of the way in time of the train bearing down on the tracks.  Metaphorically speaking, I have been hit by several trains-  lesson learned is to stop playing on the tracks- which, for the most part I have.  If “playing on the the tracks” is interacting with unstable people, then after 31 years of experience, I have finally learned to determine that everyone is unstable to a degree and that the only people worth interacting with are the ones who can fully embrace their own madness with honesty-(throw decorum out the window, please.)   The harder we strive to hide our inner chaos and madness, the harder it bears down upon us and those in our lives- to the point at which some people will even sacrifice innocent peoples lives and reputations to maintain their own facades of dignity and faux-decorum.  This is called gas-lighting, and is often employed by narcissists and sociopaths.  Be very, very careful about the person who desires recognition, fame, money, or achievement- often, that is indicative of a sickness that can drown and maim even the strongest of men around them; in the pursuit of such meaningless accomplishments or feats- integrity and honor often fall by the wayside as other needs are not met and vices are procured to fulfill the inner emptyness that a life set on these things creates.  The vacuum of loss of friends as time is devoted to putting resources together to appear more impressive in exchange for false friends who only serve to boost the ego- making those who speak of moderation into the enemy.   I abhor the person who seeks grandeur for its own sake- but love the quietness of the footsteps of the person who achieves notoriety for doing good deeds for their own sake without any desire for recognition.

I write a great deal, I think, but I don’t make money off of this blog-  I do it as part of an oath I made with Tyr and by extension Loki to prove that Loki and Lokeans are human beings, not to be categorized and dismissed out of hand- just as Loki is not to be dismissed out of hand. In this journal I have shared and will continue to share my personal experiences publicly- I have nothing to hide.  I will show my prejudices- my strengths, and my short comings- but as time passes, my “public” experience of the community becomes less as I draw my shades and focus more exclusively my own life and that of my husband.  When I began this blog, I was very much “in” the community and a consistent attender of events all over- but now, I am much more content to stay home more days often than not and enjoy the company of my new husband.  Some places have rejected us, other places we have rejected- and honestly- it’s about 50/50 as to which is which- even still, we have more invitations than we expect between the two of us, and I have more reception to this blog than I anticipated.  However, Tyr never gave me a timeline here so I have no idea if this is a “forever” thing or if one day I get to ditch this format in favor of a new chapter with a different URL where I just get to go back to simple, personal journalism once more…where I am not intentionally putting the gross details of my life out there for everyone to see.

So, anyway- the solution I have found to my present dilemma came from therapy, I am involved in something called EMDR where I am supposed to remove the emotions from the negative memories and be able to contain them away from my psyche- the only possible way this can be accomplished for me (and apparently, for most with my condition) is to focus on the living conditions of the present moment rather than the traumatic episodes of the past.   In my case, I spend a great deal of time focusing on the time I get to share with Eddie.  From the view of time theory, and from Heathenry, the reason why my life is so good at this present moment is BECAUSE I have already paid the price for it with my past.   Ed found me through another journal I used to write, and without writing we would not have our marriage.  Without keeping record online of everything I have experienced from my life in Spain to College to my poetry- I would have no record of my past except for negative memories.  However, if I take a more Buddhist approach and focus entirely on the ethic of the present moment, then I realize the need for productiveness and the sharing of my personal revelations.

Without writing, I would feel much more guilty about having such an easy life now-  I would feel more lonely, and I would feel purposeless.  If not a single person reads this blog but my husband- I am fine with that.   However, since I know that is not the case let me tie all the loose ends together into a format that makes this coherent to the rest of those who read my rambling thoughts…

PTSD- (Tyr is likely the God most accustomed to it outside the Rokkr), forces one to live in the past-  however, the past is not detached from the present or future.  The “present” is simply a term for the point of view or perspective we hold on our lives at the present moment, or what “eyes” we use to view our lives-  are we viewing remotely or intimately?  Do we look at the greater picture or the minute details of our daily experiences, (if we pay attention to our daily experiences at all…?)

The view from the mountain is lovely, but we miss detail- and although the details of the train are captivating, if we are standing on the tracks to look in the window of one train, anticipating boarding it, we risk being run down by another on a faster track if we do not watch where we place our feet.

The solution is mindfulness- the ability to live, right now, and in the present- to not focus on anticipation or to dwell in regrets OR past glory.   If life is good RIGHT NOW- then it is fair to say you earned the right to that goodness.   If your life RIGHT NOW is chaos, then it is fair to say that you have been negligent and the sum of that negligence is insecurity.   When I look at the times of my life when things were at their worst, it has meant one of two things:

1. This is only a test- make it through this and things will get better.
2. I have ignored all the warning signs and gone “my own way” despite the advice of those wiser than I, leading me into untenable situations…. to get out, I need to extract myself carefully, live ethically, and all will be okay in the eventual future.

Whether or not I am “Okay” at this time is dependent on my state of mind; always, I am materialistically okay; but I have been homeless, lived in an unfinished concrete and drywall room with nothing more than a spare lightbulb- or by the charity of strangers for food and the roof over my head.   I got through those times by a great deal of prayer, sacrifice (including my entire altar to a lake at one point- 15 years of my life- given to four cardinal directions of water)  It took patience, it took waiting. suffering, and asking for help, even when asking for help meant becoming estranged from those I cared for (who, I had to accept, were NOT helping).  It was a matter of putting aside my pride and TALKING both in writing and out loud about what was happening and had happened…. realizing that as long as I use my voice, as long as there is a record of my thoughts and my writings, then it’s a lot easier to clear up misunderstandings, and MUCH harder for people to lie about who I am and where I stand for their own personal gain.

Writing in journals like this has saved my life, my degrees, and my reputation in some regards- everything I write is honest to the best of my perceptions, and keeping records of what I have thought, said, and believed shows a progression.  No one person is supposed to stay stagnant, and, ideally, my favorite people are the ones who admit to striving to learn something new, experience something new, or do something to further their intellectual and spiritual growth daily- even if it just means watching a movie they have never seen before on Netflix or taking a new way home from work.

Time theory at one time lead me to an institution for 10 days, because my life was so fucked up I couldn’t understand why and how if there is no “reality of serial time” that I could suffer so miserably at that moment.   I suffered because either I was either not living in the present and mourning the past too acutely, or that I could not see the larger picture that time had to offer- the Heathen way- that perhaps I brought it on myself by not being as Tyrian (honest) as I should have been, and in lying to save another person, I had ruined my own Wyrd for that moment.

My life improved when I stopped trying so hard to protect a man not worth my protection, by bringing Tyr’s influence back into my life into a place of prominence where I could once again claim with honesty I was no liar.  It involved a great deal of pain; and still, my honesty causes me loss of friends- however, I have lived the other way. I have lied for who I thought was a friend and almost lost my literal life over it….by placing the needs of a narcissist above my own without the consciousness of realizing I was doing so.  I was told by Loki to protect my professor, and I did.  I saved his life by speaking up and preventing him from being assassinated in Turkey.  My responsibility was not to lie for him to cover up why he was not properly doing his job, nor was it to lie to make him appear better than me and disgracing myself in favor of his reputation when he was the one who was behind on our joint work, not I.

Should I have listened to my inner instincts, I would have known lying at all is never the correct solution to anything at all- and even with the best of intentions, one lie can damage the Wyrd severely.

Kant was wrong in that regard, bad actions with good intentions still lead to ultimately negative outcomes.  Furthermore, there is no such thing as a negative intention- there is reactionary intentions, sure.  But few set out intentionally to cause harm without reason or purpose.  With that being said, if the action is good, the result will likely follow to be good as well.

Be productive
Be Honest
Live in the present
See life from both the micro and macro perspectives
Be frithful
and be grateful and happy for what you have been blessed with.

…and if you can’t bear to raise the horn to Loki- raise it to Woten.  Loki gets some of that honor anyway.
…and if you cannot raise the horn to Tyr in good conscious, realize you fucked up massively in life and need to do some serious self assessment.



On Racism, Neo-Nazism, and Everything that Bunches your Panties!

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2013 by Tyrienne
I'm an equal opportunity hater.

I’m an equal opportunity hater.

Wow, that reaction to the last post was fast.   I was in the shower and it came to me “Great post, I’m proud of you- Now you need to quickly bury it with another on that other people want to hear about.”

Thanks, Loki.

So, this might come as a surprise to some of you, but did you know that each and every single member of the human race comes with a unique background, experiences, upbringing, education level, interests, and biases?  It is true!  Not only that, but most human beings HATE being classified into neat little boxes and discarded because they hold a point of view that is unpopular that thereby renders everything else they have to offer to the community as null and void!

So, the great, big topic in Heathenry these days is racism and the influence of the neo-nazi movement on our religion at large.  There are two sides to this great debate-  the “Folkish ‘ We’re not racists, we just hate black people'”  side, and the Universalist “Love everyone! Except for Nazi’s,  Or Else we’ll hate you!” side.

Hmmm.   Hard choice, there.   I would like to relay to you a prejudice that I have before I answer the question:

I DESPISE faux-blonde soccer moms in SUV’s.  I absolutely hate them.  Everytime I see one on the road, my blood boils- from their loud Ke$ha or KidsBOP music, to their screaming spawnlings in the back seats, to their inability to park in just one space.  I hate seeing them spend 20 minutes fondling their purses as I wait for a parking space at the China Buffet.  Bitch, I wear my keys on my belt with a climbing clip….if your purse is deep enough to fear purse coyotes sucking you into the depths of your Louis Vuitton special edition whore’s purse snatch syndicated bag ;  I will not only join organizations against your kind, but I will burn effigies of Life-size LaBoutin heels on your lawn until you move you and your hell-spawn back to some urban area where I never have to deal with the likes of your people again.

An older blonde. Purse Coyotes. I would pay to genetically engineer an army of them.

So, anyway, racists.   No.  I am not a racist.  I find the entire idea of race delightfully amusing in the “Aryan” community being a former student of Persian studies knowing that “Aryan” is a cognate of “Iranian” and “Caucasian” comes from the word “Caucus” referring to the mountain range which divides Turkey from Persia (aka Iran).

As in my last post there are people in this world I cannot stand- the above examples as well as the one in the previous post being on a list.  HOWEVER…this is how I actually feel.

I don’t care who you are friends with,  if you are friends with me, you can be sucking Hitler’s dick as long as you don’t expect me to do likewise.   Same thing goes for if you are friends with an Oathbreaker or a tiny blonde woman in a SUV.  If I am friends with you, I have no doubt made my stance on the matter clear-  I choose neither “Side”, but take each person as an individual to determine if they are worthy of my time. (Groupthink is bad, people…look it up). Your friends are not my friends.  You are my friend…unless I meet your friend and get to assess them with my personal judgement skills I have no right to judge them…. and even if you ARE friends with someone I dislike- guess what?


(again…friends with you, don’t care who you have lightsaber wars with your cock with)

Furthermore, the movement to annex the “Neo-Nazi’s” out of the community is a terrible idea considering that from an outsider’s perspective, the words of a Neo-Nazi Heathen are no less and no more viable than a non Neo-Nazi.

What I propose is this- if you want to make a difference in how people see the world…. TALK To THEM…but not with the express purpose of changing them, since that in underhanded and dishonorable.   The best way to deal with racism is to have an open dialogue about it.  If racist and non-racist mix, who knows?  Maybe we can all find something to hate together… like the war in the Middle East which has been eating all our resources in the US, or tiny little blonde women in great big SUV’s.

I have friends on both sides of this fence which would make both sides blanch in indignation.  “How COULD you?!”  I would be asked.  Easy… they run one hell of a sumbel/make awesome potpie/come out with interesting newsletters.

The key to unity and harmony is moving the focus AWAY from racism altogether and finding common ground- the more you focus on any difference, the more that difference shines and detracts away from any hope of reconciliation.

Politically, I belong to “The Troth”.  However, I have friends, good friends, who do not agree with “The Troth’s” stances on many issues…. and that is okay.

With that being said.  If anyone is interested in (metaphorically) burning down a Sephora store in a upscale shopping center (or even just zombie-flashmobbing one) let me know.

As for Loki- let it be also known that my Patron God has never singled out any group for hatred or spite- but instead has been both an equal opportunity lover and hater.


Unholy Scapegoats and Sacred Martyrs. Posting in Delerium.

Posted in On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 25, 2013 by Tyrienne

My gods  I have been utterly irresponsible towards myself the last 24 hours and I know it.  I itch, horrendously- all over, a long forgotten side effect of a medication I requested to help “cure” me of bronchitis.  The medication is a cough syrup containing Vicodan, a drug I have been well acquainted with for several years as it was used to treat my pain prior to my hysterectomy.

However irrelevant this may seem, I also know that it is also a consequence of me getting dangerously close to breaking an Oath I made to Tyr almost a year ago regarding Loki. That I would figure out a way to improve His name and reputation in the community, do or die.  I would figure it out, why, these two Gods out of several pantheons had decided to involve themselves in my life personally…and I have slacked off, not posting things and insights I have received in favor of doing other things.  Not because I do not love my Gods, but because occasionally, I just want out of the entirety of the community, to be honest.

In the last year, several changes have occurred overall, some worse, some for the better.  The Troth is now openly accepting of Lokeans, there are Lokean communities, support, and a networks all over the web that did not exist a year ago.  I have met several wonderful people, I have been blessed enough to be treated with deference I am not quite certain I have earned- and scorn I know for a fact I know I did not earn. However, a punch line needs to come out of somewhere and I have been meandering around it for months.

I know one other person off the top of my head who works with both Loki and Tyr extensively, Thor Sheil, and even he does not limit his conversations to those two Gods exclusively.  However, constantly, the two come up- oftentimes in the same conversations.

My husband is of the belief that our Gods represent more of a sacred archetype sort of structure; metaphors and thought forms created by human existence that gain power through cumulative centuries of belief.  I disagree with him, personally, and have a much more C.S. Lewis look on cosmology where everything that has ever been thought of exists and breathes with life.  That the act of creation itself is sacred- whether it be in parenting or in writing, and like Narnia- Gods of air, fire, sky, and water coexist and rule under some great universal consciousness.  I believe that all the time there has ever been has already been written; however, I also believe in extensive and perpetual editing as well.

Why am I itching?  I took too much damned vicodan. I am not blaming the illness, it was irresponsible- and instead of dealing with discomfort, I decided to double up on my dose last night hoping to sleep only to awaken itching first thing in the morning like a motherfucker.

So, back to the story line here.  There are two Gods, one is a scapegoat and one is a martyr.  I cannot accurately say they are “My” Gods, so much as I am one of “Their” people.  Which blows my mind and keeps me humbled that no matter what happens with my Earthly family here, I have Gods who specifically teach me and care for me- as well as other Gods as well.  I owe a debt of gratitude to Freyr, Inanna, Odin, Bast, Hanuman, and Ganesha as well- and likely countless others.

I am delirious at the moment with fever….but I need to get this point across:  A scapegoat is the same thing as a martyr- the only difference is the martyr willingly and consciously makes the decision to put themselves in harm’s way for the highest good.  The scapegoat, the “Highest good” places blame on to keep general unity and consensus among the community- for nothing forms tighter bonds than a hatred towards a common enemy.

Problem: Loki is no one’s enemy.  Loki’s crime is admitting he is imperfect, that he makes mistakes, he atones for them, he sacrifices, he creates anew, solves problems and through Him the vast majority of the symbols that represent our faith are directly through his work.  Every person who wears a Thor’s hammer, to Loki should be double grateful.   For it was Loki who commissioned it’s creation, as well as through Loki it was returned when it was stolen.  Odin’s horse, Sleipnir, is Loki’s son- to whom he is Mother….Odin’s Raven’s- are a gift from Loki’s daughter, Hel. Through Hel, Bragi survives Ragnorak to take charge of the new pantheon.  Freyr’s ship, Odin’s armband, Idunna’s sanity- Loki, Loki, Loki, again.

Then, when he isn’t invited to the feast of the Gods, he is rightly incensed. He flytes. He points out their flaws, and is condemned,  tied to a rock according to some accounts, as his sons are slayed before him.  Loki watched as his one wife was burned before him, not once, but three times as his other children were condemned as “monsters” as accounted by the Norn’s- who’s advice created nothing more than self-fulfilling prophecies that were listened to by the younger Gods.

Loki son of Jotuns, son of Farbouti, God of Lightning and illness as well as Laufey, the Goddess of needles or trees depending on how you look at it. Literally- Loki’s creation was the fire of lightning upon leaves.  He was born fire.

Which leads me to Edward’s post about Norse genealogy here.

Through the perversions of Marvel comics and Christianity we have created a false dichotomy that Aesir= good and Jotuns=bad.

Now, here is the second half of the story:

Tyr, older than all the other Gods combined, records predating most of the traditional stories- the God of Sky, war, and justice. The one handed one, the martyr God.  Also, son of giants, one frost, one fire who was disowned by his own family when He decided to throw in his lot with the Aesir.  Why?  Because the Aesir needed an incorruptible judge, an elder, and one to guide them to show them the meaning of justice.  Tyr is the greatest of all fighters, the most terrifying of all the Aesir from personal accounts.

If Loki’s truth is the difficult truth that needs speaking, then Tyr is master of the sacrifice- (Other than Kvasir), Tyr has had to give up/leave behind what has meant the most to Him to do “The right thing.”.  Tyr is never villinized, because Tyr is seen as perfect in his imperfection.  He could grow back his hand, but He understands that would make the sacrifice of it meaningless.  The loss of His hand is a constant reminder of the costs of breaking oaths to both humans and Gods alike.  Tyr suffers/ed to show the “right” thing is not the “easy” way to do things….and He has lost it all because of it.  His family, His hand, and eventually, his Life.

Tyr is the judge, the martyr, the one who fixes.  He is the wise old man who grieves the injustice of the universe alone on His mighty shoulders.  He looks at all consequences and leads by example.  If you break an oath, prepare to lose what is dear to you.  Unlike Christianity, we are free to judge who we may and may not allow in our lives.  However, there are consequences.   And He who seems to be friend of everyone has no friends at all.  Tyr has no family, he was disowned, and yet, he pays the price for the dishonor of the family to which He adopted, in the end, losing his life as a payment for all oaths broken- so that a new dawn may arise in Baldr- in peace, and Vanic prosperity.   To lose the Aesir to the Vanir is to go from the Ego of man back to the realization that we are part of all nature. Just as the Jotuns once were.  Tyr was the stop-gap- Tyr, the self-hating, Tyr the teacher of those to whom no one else would teach- he who taught Hel at His mighty feet and befriended Fenrir.  The one who kept the “old ways” alive as the “new religion” took over.

Loki, is seen as the fuck up, but fixed far more than he ever disrupted., he is “Liar” who never lies, the “oathbreaker” who broke no oaths, and a foil to Tyr in some strange way.  Loki points out the Aesir’s corruption, and is bound, He who takes chances and occasionally loses and then pays back threefold.

The problem with Loki is NOT that he is Jotun, it is that he is too human-  To understand Loki is understand we are all fallible.  That our best intentions and our best jokes can turn sour, and that no matter how much we pay to make amends. It’s easier to hate and fear than it is to accept that our Gods, like us, are imperfect and they know it….and like humans, they do not like to be reminded of their shortcomings either.

So, I agree with Edward to a point- our PERCEPTION of the gods is archetypal…but the reality it far from what we can begin to comprehend.   Like it or not, Loki is Thor’s primary traveling companion.  Like it or not, Loki is Odin’s blood brother- and each horn, stein or cup raised to Odin is also raised to Him as well, like it or not.

Loki is the cleverness we secretly covet, but do not possess ourselves.
Tyr is the God we look up to with the greatest respect- but never speak to for fear of what He may say.

It is been evident that those close to Loki in the human realm are often maligned, but I am happy to report it seems to become an increasingly rarer phenomenon; as we evolve as a community we realize we do not need to hide all of our mistakes along the way, that the clever man is not the same as dishonorable one.

But I can tell you this, for all the shit that I have been through in my life, it was not through Loki’s intercession that I experienced it. It was Tyr.  This is not blame…this is truth….and it was MY choice to follow this pathway. I was not forced to by any means- I was ASKED to, and I accepted this and all it entailed.

To be Tyrian is to be the one to say “You are wrong” when it could cost a friendship. It is to sacrifice to keep the greater whole healthy rather than to “Keep calm and carry on”. It is to correct injustice when given any opportunity to, regardless of who originally caused it initially.

Loki is kind, Loki is caring, Loki is the protector of the lost children, the comfort to the outcast and the clever.    Tyr is no comfort, but action.  Tyr is standing your ground, the life of Tyr is not one of polite lies- but of polite silence until the silence becomes injustice….then Tyr is the voice to cry “foul”….Tyr is the stop-gap that reminds us of our roots when we are rootless.  Tyr is also the one whose existence itself disproves many of the kennings against Loki since He, too, is a son of Jotuns and a God of fire.

Many people venerate Tyr, call themselves Tyrspersons, and then hide and lie constantly falsely believing that justice is the equivalent to “getting what one wants”.  Many call themselves Lokian but do not possess the cleverness nor the generosity to be truly His.

You don’t get to pick your God’s at the local God*Mart.   They pick you.

Some people call me self centered.  That’s fine…because outside of the Gods, I am the person who I interact with the most on a daily basis…but what you don’t see is the hours I spend on the phone or on facebook comforting strangers and friends…you don’t see how often I am a nexus that connects people to other people, nor do you see me as anything more than a girl who complains all the time about my health or my past.

However, I can say that in being open about my own troubles, in putting out my imperfections, I have been told countless times that I have helped others.  My metaphorical “missing hand” has comforted many people.  I might make some of you squeamish by talking about my trips to the psyche ward- but to someone else, I just gave them the courage to seek help they desperately needed.

If what I write does not apply to you, than perhaps what I have to teach does not apply to you…I can show you my life through this blog, and I can share my mistakes to help others from making the same ones.

Lesson of the day:  Do not underestimate the power of Tussionex- follow the dosage on the bottle or in the morning you will look like you came out the loser in a fight against a dumpster full of rabid ally cats.

This delerium was brought to you by Bronchitis, Tyr, and Loki.

Loki, The Protector of Children.

Posted in Justice, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , on July 7, 2013 by Tyrienne

Loki familyWhen I was growing up, I had several advantages and disadvantages to equal measure; I had supportive grandparents, 2 grandmothers and my grandfather- and my father was and is still a kind, ingenious, and confusing  Lokean sort of man who gave my life some semblance of normalcy during the middle of my elementary school years when he was a stay at home father and my mother went off to work (Thankfully).

The disadvantages:  My mother was PROFOUNDLY abusive- and laws at the time (1980’s) favored the mother in cases of divorce, so my father stayed with the crazy bitch knowing if he left, things could only get worse for me.  I’ll give him credit- he hung in there, developed what I can only describe as Stockholm Syndrome, and despite being an attractive and intelligent man- became emotionally attached to my mother over the years despite her endless array of negative qualities of severe mental illness, uncleanliness, and anger issues. (Not to mention the fact my existence was the direct result of my father being drugged and basically raped)

This, of course, has tinted the lenses with which I see the world profoundly.  I understand that if not for my mother, I would not feel so negatively towards women-  female Goddesses, with a few exceptions, are not usually who I am drawn to since I have no concept of a “loving mother” figure unless I need help understanding or comforting my husband whose patrons are almost entirely female.

However, it has occurred to me throughout of the course of my research on Loki- that he is frequently referenced in Kennings as the “protector children” or more specifically “The protector of lost children”…

A friend of mine has just undergone a divorce and his ex-wife is not fit for parenting.  I was friends with them both as a couple, and knowing they were splitting up- I made certain to spend time with each of them to see how they handled their children.  Being friends with both sides of a divorced couple seldom works well; the best that can occur if you want to “have it all” is being the scratching post between the two parties to vent their grievances about the other.  So, I watched- and discovered, that like my father, the male was the far more competent parent- who put his children first, who provided structure, support, and non-violent discipline when applicable.  The mother was simply overwhelmed with her haunted past and overwhelmed with her present situation- confused, flustered, and at a loss-and when offered suggestions on how to get on the path to correct what plagued her, dismissed all options and resources presented.  Her priority was SHE wanted to be loved- not to be a parent.

Over the years, I have been the advice giver/scratching post to many people- but through the help of both of my patron Gods, I have learned when it’s time to walk away.  Leading a horse to water to drink won’t work unless you are somehow able to push that fucker in- then it would likely drown anyway.

Most people come to me for “spiritual” advice….  to their disappointment, much of the advice I offer to many people involves such things as “Therapy”, “Lawyers”, and even “Medical treatment”.

Bad priestess=no cookie for me.

So, anyway, as most divorces tend to go- this one is getting nasty- and the children are in the middle.   They know who they want to live with, and I have seen it with my own eyes.  The wife is still in love with her ex, and is doing her part to make him jealous with a new beau.  However, I have also learned:  Love is reciprocal, and to love and not have love in return is a black hole, a sign of weakness, as well as a delusion:  If you love someone who does not share those feelings in return, then that person is NOT who your imagination is playing them to be- for no one would truly in their souls wish to be unloved.

I know this because I have thought I loved people who did not love me in return…. only to discover that my idea of them was incorrect.
and I have ALSO loved people who HAVE loved me in return- only to admit it years later….after I have moved on.

The problem here is not love or not love- the problem here is priorities.  It does not matter who does or does not love whom as long as children are in the picture as far as Loki (or I) am concerned.  The problem is this:  Are the children your first priority?

If the answer is “No”- then you are violating one of the most universal sacred laws, and despite Loki being seen as lawbreaker himself- there is a difference between the laws created by men and Gods, verses the laws created by Nature itself/Herself.

Loki may laugh in the face of mortal or immortal law alike- but there are universal constants:  The love for one’s offspring overrules all other priorities.  Hell, even in captivity, some rodents will actually kill their own young to save them from living the same life of captivity as they have- but have no mechanism for suicide themselves.   Killdeer birds will play wounded to lead predators away from the nest.  And one knows never to get between Mamma bear and her Cubs.

Another thing people often forget:  Loki, Himself, is a Mother.   He has carried a child to term, nursed it, raised it, and then gave it the best life he could to have his son serve as a noble companion to Woten Himself.

There are many men who have mothering energy to them, and oftentimes in this society these men are often unsung at best, or victims of a sexist political system at worst.   There are men who make better mothers than most women in this society, who with encouraging words, sternness, and love can raise well adjusted, well behaved children without any female to help them.

I also judge a parent by the behavior of the child-  I know a newborn with two doting parents who I have only seen cry once- and that was in the immediate presence of a woman with energy so toxic even I could sense it.   All children are born synthetes- and when faced with colors/smells/sounds that mesh together into a miasma of unhappiness, even the youngest of children can sense the unwell and potentially dangerous.

…and even the most innocuous person on the outside could be a danger to a child if they lack complete self awareness as well as a lack of the priority we all should possess to put the safety of the young of our species above the welfare of ourselves.

I am not a mother, I never can be- but I can say I have been on the phone with 911 multiple times when I have witnessed abuse.  I have visited police stations with evidence of child neglect, and I know my responsibility as a Lokean and a clergy person is to keep a “pulse” on the children in my direct field of view: lend support and encouragement to the excellent parents I know as friends, warnings to those who are not, and at worst, I am also responsible for reporting abuses as I see them with evidence as needed.

Which is where the Lokean and Tyrian in me overlap.  There are ALSO situations where I know that there are situations I cannot involve myself with- that any intervention on my part would be futile, and in those cases I am given ample warning to disengage with a closing prayer that those with more resources and competence than I possess will protect those I cannot- and that the Gods watch all children regardless.

5 years ago- I would not have had that wisdom-  I am as aggressive and annoying like a wolf with a deer leg regarding the mistreatment of kids- and in the past I have stayed in people’s lives simply for the sake of keeping an eye on their kids rather than for their friendship-but in that process, I have also learned to walk away as soon as I knew the danger has passed- without anyone being the wiser to why I was there in the first place.

In my past, I have “checked in” on the children of childhood friends- stayed around for a few months, and moved on content they were healthy, happy, and being educated… even if the situation was not “nuclear” by any means.

My childhood, overall, was horrific- to the extant of the book “A child called It”.  My mother believed I was a changeling- but then again, she also used to “hide” oreo cookies in the oven and ask serious advice of houseplants.  HOWEVER- I was also given multiple resources with which I could raise myself-  I had role models in other family members, teachers, and neighbors- and I was given the gift of being able to keep my synaestesia into my adulthood which has enriches my perception where my normal senses fail me.  When one can “see” sounds and emotions as repellent or attractive-  my husband is not the best talker sometimes, so sometimes, non-verbal communication works better than any words.

I was never truly, completely without resources…and my dad being Lokean, admitted or not- helped a great deal.  Even when he realized he could no longer protect me when I reached a certain age, he knew I had the resources on my own to survive without his involvement, despite the fact that I resented his further lack of intervention for years.

I can understand a little bit further what my newborn friend saw when she started crying hysterically when the sick woman entered the room….and I also learned, for the first time ever, that I can actually use something like Reiki to communicate with a human so small to show her that I could “see” what she could- and it would be okay because Mommy and Daddy were taking her home where it was safe and those overwhelming “other person feelings” would not be there anymore.

But think of Loki- the only one of the Gods who has been both Father and Mother.  The one who knows what it feels like to be rejected, outcast, and neglected.  Remember sweet Sigyn, and her unconditional love for her children and their father…. who even in the death of both her sons, still kept them close to her. (in a morbid sort of way- but it speaks volumes).

So, when my friend came to me for help- he asked for Tyr, but instead, I directed him to Loki.  Tyr comes into play when the courts are involved- but when the well-being of a child is at stake, the best to call on is Loki himself- He who understands both the needs of the child as well as the parent willing to give up anything and everything for their offspring…  (However, the next time we talk- I will also suggest a good lawyer for good measure!)

…as for the parent who does not heed Nature’s law- Loki will intervene, and it will not be pretty.  However, I also know His intervention is often misconstrued- as the failed parent finds themselves in a descending vortex of failure and misery.  The children often get blamed- but the children ALSO get support, and sometimes, even an “imaginary” fire-haired friend to talk to until the dust settles and things are okay in the end. 🙂

As for Tyr- he was rejected by BOTH of his parents for his continued association with the Aesir rather than the Jotuns- but that is a story for another time….

Life is Fair.

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods with tags , , , , , on June 12, 2013 by Tyrienne
Fenrir and Loki as depicted (by signiture) by some person who goes by "Florbe 91" on

Fenrir and Loki as depicted (by signature) by some person who goes by “Florbe 91” on

This goes against everything you have ever been taught.  But I will explain in a long, convolted rambling way like I usually do, then Deux ex Machina the heck out of the end of this post to make it appear that a common thread existed all along through out my mad ramblings.

Got it?


(Speaking of “Mad Ramblings”, check out Eddie’s new blog post Here on Lovecraft)

In the Lokasenna, Loki found himself outside the great hall of the Aesir- uninvited to a party to which all others had been granted invitation.  He was outraged; was he not Odin’s sworn brother?  He entered, Bragi made room, Vidarr poured him some mead, and Loki then proceeded to tear apart each participant at the feast out of His frustration and rage at being excluded when He was promised a seat at each feast.

Tyr- silent for much of the poem, only spoke to defend Freyr’s honor, Loki attempted to Silence him basically saying “Well, your hand was taken by my son”  Tyr replies “So it was- and when the Gods fall, so will he” (loosely paraphrased)  Loki then insinuated that Tyr’s wife once cheated on him with Loki- which was undisputed, and Loki offered the man pity for the lack of recompense for Zisa’a infidelity.

But not a single word was uttered against Tyr’s honor… it was more like “Hey! You’re missing a hand! Ha ha- handless dude is handless!” in much the way I laugh at retards wearing helmets in the supermarket.  Disabilities are hilarious; including my own.  Watching me shriek after a loud noise or hearing about my over-the-top reaction to any nightmare to subsequently become the “human squid-monster” while wrapping myself around Eddie like a tentacled Lovecraftian ghoul is both pathetic and still a little funny to think about.  (He Likes squids.  He said so…  marrying one should be a dream come true)


Tyr is a God-  If golden metal can be grown from Sif’s scalp after a mere shaving- Tyr could create something to serve as a hand.  As for the infidelity; truly it does not say that Tyr was anything other than faithful- and his wife still remained his own.  Tyr keeps his own council- but he does not contradict Loki’s claim that Freyr had slept and born children with Freya, but rather, pointed out Freyr’s best qualities- that he frees those from slavery and no woman is ever harmed by the God, and Freyr is among the greatest of the fighters- no small compliment from Tyr, the God Battle and Justice.  So, Freyr slept with his sister-  So did almost everyone/everything else according to several sources, and it was consensual.  Icky even by Norse standards, however, still a private arrangement between consenting adults.

Loki moves on to easier prey to satiate his anger at this point, realizing the reaction of Tyr of: “Why yes, yes I did lose a hand- I miss it, and it’s going to suck for Fenris when the Gods fall.” was an honest answer, and not enough to get a “rise” out of him.  Tyr basically retorted with “Well, no one is going to win from anything regarding that situation.” in other words.

Loki did nothing that was contradicted in the Lokasenna other than point out the flaws of each person attending- none of them disputed as inaccurate, however some did come to the defense of others to point out the positive traits that contradicted the negative.

Loki in rage is not kind in words, but He is not untruthful.  He is hurtful, cruel, and even mocking.  He was also offended, hurt, and outcast despite promises made in blood with Woten, the All-Father, that not a drink would be poured without one also being poured for Loki as well.

His reaction is the same of that of any family member who finds themselves not on the guest list of any family event- so- He crashed the party.

There is something I have discovered with weddings called the “Maleficent Paradox”-  namely, that there are people who you KNOW will cause nothing but hard feelings whether or not you invite them, you might not even wish to SEE them, however, to NOT give them the respect they feel they are due will cause greater hardship in the long run.

As someone who is both of Tyr and Loki- I can understand that sacrifices and appeasements must be made for those people.  Our wedding is potluck; yet, it was announced to me by my father that “Formal, official” invitations were expected by certain family members personally written by yours truly.  However, Miss Manners dictates the actual, Socially Correct action is that the parents of the bride are meant to send out all invitations.   For my family’s attempt at pretension, they certainly failed the class on politically/socially correct means of correspondence regarding weddings in nouveau-wealthy charm school when they lived in the Main line, I suppose.  (I assume they MUST have one in Bala Cynwyd)

Official invitations to what amounts to a picnic?  Really?  Well- okay then.   Ed and I went out to Party City, he picked out something that looked reasonable and used his sister’s discount to get them for a grand total of $2 for 8.   I wrote them up in a day, and realized I still could use another pack:

Overall, in writing the invitations to the people I realized that it wasn’t at all a bad thing-   There were also people who I desperately want to attend who are elderly friends of mine who cannot operate a computer even with guided instruction, a tutor, and a Mac.  The same people who when you bought them an answering machine in the 1990’s created the classic message “HELLO?!  DO I TALK NOW?  HOW DO I GET THIS TO WORK?  WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO???  I THINK I BROKE IT…”  *BEEEP*”

/shakes head.

Anyway, because of having to appease the den of angry, rabid lions that share blood with me- I ended up calling up good friends, old neighbors, as well as making some people feel deservedly special for their role in my life; like the family that took me in when I moved out at 17…. they actually deserved something special; as did my neighbors from Haverford who called child services on my mother several times when I was very small- and gave me their back yard to play in to escape the worst days of my mother- even before they themselves had a child.

The point of our wedding is that (almost) EVERYONE is invited.  You come, great- you don’t come.  Oh well.  Bring food.  Bring Drink- dress however the fuck you want.

The exception to an invitation?  If either my future spouse or I have said, “Stay out of our lives, please.”  It’s actually a shorter list than one would expect.  On my side, well,  it’s just my schizophrenic biological mother who is about as sane as a sack of weasels and if the rest of my family can be compared to a pride of angry lions, she would be a rabid, obese rhino with the  face of Andre the Giant and all the good social graces of Hitler at a Bar Mitzvah.

Anyone other than her?  Fuckit. Love us, hate us, indifferent?  Unlikely-  whatever.  You are willing to make the drive to Gring’s mill and bring food?  Excellent.  Make a scene, and there will be a small army of large men with beards who will ever so gently usher you back to your vehicle.  Play nice and you get to meet a lot of neat people and eat copious amounts of delicious food.

This is actually the TRADITIONAL Pennsylvania Dutch way of handling such an event.  Generally, you invite the entire community, people show up with food, the couple is married, then food is eaten.   Easy.   Also, same for most other tribal cultures around the world.

We have received some criticism- all from people who don’t matter and likely will not attend, anyway:

So, our wedding is now “untraditional” for being traditional, we are  “a joke” or “offensive”….or are we?

I have a dress I modified and sewed myself from two dresses that came to $24 that shows off every single tattoo I have proudly (none are in sensitive areas), there will be people from all walks of life- in all manners of dress.  I have friends who own companies and people so poor they are on disability as I am-  There are people I haven’t seen in years as well as people I see regularly.  There will be college professors, former coworkers, close friends, as well as people I have yet to meet.

The religious wedding will be partially auf Deutsch/ part English….and hopefully short.  As for vows?  Anything less then from the heart and on the spot will seem contrived.

There will be a little girl dressed as a pink cat princess in a tutu as well as at least one professional wrestler in full ring makeup.  There will be at least one person in camouflage- maybe even a few with beards that would make ZZ Top look pitiful by comparison.   Throw in a couple of women dressed for a Renaissance faire- someone in a karate uniform, and several kilted Irishmen and it sounds like something “typical” that one would expect the two of us to throw.

My birthday parties at the hookah lounge usually had a similar turnout.  Only instead of coiffed like a drag-queen at Diamondz lounge in Allentown, I dressed like “Alex” a’la “A Clockwork Orange”.   The same amount of mascara will likely be used.  From the same tube I used last time:  Mascara used twice in 4 years.  Hot diggity.  I’m going all out here, folks.

Weddings in the United States have become not about the marriage of the couple anymore- but rather about impressing others as to your personal affluence.  People stress over guest lists, seating charts, who-gets-along-with-whom, and other bullshit.  Flowers?  Who needs flowers when you’re in a fucking park?  As for “favors”….I don’t know- take home some leftovers?  (either that or I’ll throw together the Ren-traditional glass-beads-covered-in-metallic-sharpie bindrunes by the hundred….as soon as I can convince Ed NOT to include “Ear” as his personal symbol)

We spent $100 for a pavilion that seats 100.  Take a plastic plate-  fill it, find a seat near people you know- or make friends.   Stay for just the wedding, or stay until clean-up and the after party back at the apartment…  Whatever floats your boat, skipper.

So, wow- this is not the post I expected to write today.  I have a million and one things on my plate and only 2 of them have anything to do with the wedding.  Most of them involve yet another identity theft case and the same legal wrangling I have faced for now over a year now.

Should I whine and say “Life isn’t fair…?”  Not at all,  because I have learned that in life we choose if our lives are “fair” or not.   The annoying bullshit I have to put up with regarding legal matters is actually helping people with similar problems suffer less in the future because I have the time, resources, and intelligence to combat injustice where others might not have such gifts.

Weird Shit will always happen to me, I’m Lokian/Lokean (pick your spelling)-   But if I am in the family of Loki- Tyr is my boss.   Tyr was the one who told the Norse not to trust self-fulfilling prophecies, He was the one to care for Fenrir the wolf when no other would approach him, and He was the one who bears a missing hand- as a reminder that WE have the power to make life, as a whole, fair for others through our own actions. My God is the eldest still, if he is not wisest- he cannot be denied that he has seen a great deal over thousands of years worth of human and deific folly.

Fenris was bound- but it broke Tyr’s oath to the wolf to do so- and the loss of the hand is a reminder of that oath.  Did Tyr’s wife cheat on him?  Well, Loki is a shapeshifter and known to be charming-  Tyr, as much of a judge as he is, has only broken ONE oath ever recorded in history- sure, you could pity the man, but respect would be more appropriate that if the marriage vows were broken- they were only broken on one end….and there is not enough other documentation on Zisa to make much of a determination on the matter except She is known as the one who can “untie the knots” in our lives and find solutions for difficult situations- and the Lokasenna is a disputed text at best anyway.

What is not disputed is Tyr as a God of justice, the reason for the loss of His hand, and why He chooses it to remain that way.

I have figured that the “bad” or “annoying” things that occur in my life generally are part of a larger picture….and usually, I am uniquely suited with both my words and my intellectual resources to sort things out in the end. In doing so, and in doing so in view of the public, apparently, I have helped others more than once who have experienced situations that could be mended by similar resolutions that I have discovered myself- which ultimately makes me happy in the end.   My life is based on feeling “useful” in some way.  Although writing to me is often cathartic and a way to blow off steam- it also shows that I am simply a person, like anyone else…. and I go through “person” things that many other people also go through.

I am far from “cursed” or “plagued” except, perhaps, mentally- but for that, I have also been compensated fairly in spirituality, love, experience, as well as in government aid – all of which help me address my problems in some form of both organization and support.

When the biggest annoyance I have is hand-sewing my own wedding clothing- I have it pretty good.  I know the flashbacks and nightmares will get worse before they get better…. I know my identity theft situation will bounce between a few more people in Harrisburg before being settled- However, I also know, ultimately, it will not even make a difference once I change my name and my insurance.

So, in conclusion….if you life “isn’t fair”- then look at the bigger picture, do the “right” thing regarding the greatest number of people you can, and MAKE it fair.  There are things in life that are out of our control- but our reaction to them is the key to the “fairness” of the entirety of all situations…. if you end up having to do uncomfortable, tedious things to make life easier for others who will eventually be in your shoes, then although you won’t see the fruits of your progress- others will suffer less because of your efforts.  That is fair, and there are likely people who came before me and experienced even greater “unfairness” than I did- which is now why I am able to be afforded the chances and advantages I have been given…. and I thank those nameless people for their hard work in making my life easier, not even knowing how much they had to struggle.

If life seems “unfair”- or the path ahead looks wrong; choose a better one.  If no better option appears: wait.  If you wait and run out of time and then are forced to travel the unsavory pathway anyway- you’re at least guaranteed to learn something along the way.   There is not one single experience in life where we do not learn SOMETHING, even if it is simply in which mistakes never to make again.

Three Tiers: Wedding plans

Posted in About me, Justice, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2013 by Tyrienne

Adriaen van Utrecht | Vanitas Still-Life with a Bouquet and a Skull

Warning: This blog post is likely longer and more boring than most I have written up until this point.  Real life often is.

After what felt like an hour of scrubbing, I have almost removed all that remains of the surgical tape that attached a heart monitor to me for 24 hours.  Man, that sucked-  however, I get to “enjoy” this ritual all over again tomorrow after my stress test on the treadmill.  More tape, more monitors….followed by my very first appointment with a real internist in several years where I get to drop a lifetime of medical history and subsequent legal paperwork on the poor soul to fill out on the first day I ever lay eyes on him.  La-de-da.

These are the hoops to jump through to get a single pill/surgery/whatever that will get my pulse from that of a hummingbird to a human…and yet, blood pressure remains corpse-like.   It’s been awkward; I have several specialists, but have not had an official “doctor” coordinating everything like most people in years.  So, instead of sending all the results in advance-I thought it would be wise to meet with the man first before he receives an onslaught of results from dozens of tests from all over Pennsylvania from every known type of specialist.

I have not met him, but I sincerely hope he is nice, intelligent, and has a sense of humour.   I was told he does have experience with cases like me-  however, most cases “like me” don’t usually have one day every few weeks of unusual competence nor steady spousal support resulting in remaining “on top” of the pile of endless tests, justifications, and prescriptions required to keep further deterioration at a minimum.  That, and I have religion  which allows for plenty of Deus ex Machina to cover me when I am barely treading water.

Good thing our last ritual was to healing Goddesses… Hail Mengloth and Eir, right? 🙂

So, it’s been an excitingly frustrating 7 days-
On the bright side, I was allowed to keep the “Time” magazine from the phlebotomy office at Quest Diagnostic which had the article on the second man to teach me Sufism via his students, as “One of the World’s 100 most influential people.”  This is the same man who taught me that any person who demands your respect deserves it the least. I was awestruck- and now have an answer for the wishful yoga “Guru” (Capital “G”, yo’.) who wanted my supplication and obedience to his ridiculous and under-researched take on Hinduism since he “sat at the feet of the wisest yogi’s on the planet…”

Krishna is NOT a pacifist.  I suggest the Bhagavad Gita as a resource considering the majority of the text refers to Krishna addressing his friend, Arjuna about the necessity of war.  I learned that in college from many religion courses… not from some mansion-living asshole wearing a burlap sack and ripping off rich Americans with more money than sense, and not enough book readin’ to know better.

Okay, asshat- My teacher was in “Time” magazine….was yours, Mr. Abusive, anorexic, autistic, paranoid, no-degree, vegan, pretentious, parent-funded jackass? 🙂

Also= I’m not a Hindu.,

(The urge to contact this character to say: “Bow to me, lowly peon…!”  exists, but just the satisfaction of this information is more than enough to humour me)

Our personal practices have become more interesting in the past few weeks as we seem to escape any and all boundaries or commonality with what people expect of us.   We have become frustrated that the most exciting things in our religious practices are likely to be the least understood; yet at the same time- we find ourselves surrounded by so many unhappy people that we both had to learn that we cannot please everyone, accept everyone, and be beholden to everyone.  Time is precious, spend it wisely on what you can influence positively.  Remove from your life what makes you unhappy, uncomfortable, and what does not bear fruit.-  This I learned years and years ago from a Native shaman who read me at another faire.  “Know when to hold them, know when to fold them, and let fields lie fallow when they don’t grow corn.”

I must say though- getting a Ouija board made by a Floridian priest out of Haitian wood decorated with tarot cards around the edges was the most interesting purchase made…. and also, the object in particular is 1/20 in the entire world, blessed, and works well.  We managed to channel a rather sarcastic author my fiancee is partial to who offered hysterical answers to our questions-
As well as indicating my dead grandpa was also in the room…by referring to him as “The Nazi”.
“Why would you say such a thing about him?”  We asked,
“Hello! Because He is”.  (Grandpa was temporarily in the SS during WWII- but defected to the British secret service) If you want an idea of what’s going on- check out Ed’s new blog Here.

Basically, to sum up Ed’s blog we have both lived lives where we have been extraordinary push-overs in attempting to please everyone, and we are currently working on rewriting both of our priority sets to honor ourselves more, care less about the games and dramas of others, and learn to discern where and when we can contribute the most good to the world and when to gracefully bow out and do our own thing.  Making everyone happy was making us anti-social and resentful.  It was time to take some of ourselves back for our own good.

Heathenly speaking: Nauthiz has been in full swing as my fiancee and I found ourselves forced to make concrete decisions regarding wedding plans.  I visited a psychic last week for a reading who gave better advice than my current therapist- basically, that even as the shell of a “Type A” personality- I need to learn flexibility and that if something isn’t going the way I envisioned, it is not to say all is lost- but rather, there are possibilities I was likely not aware of that will come to pass and to allow more competent and willing parties to take charge.  Which is exactly what occurred.

Every altar was given at least one new gift of a stone, candle, or both- including a huge terminated, irradiated smokey quartz on my fiancee’s main altar- some smaller black quartz  and blue Bornite for Tyr,  A citrine/quartz and a handful of Bornite for Loki.  An Amethyst raven for The Morrigan, a natural, jewelers quality quartz for Anubus, and Zinc quartz for the Gentleman’s Altar of Freyr/Janis and Cernunnos…. all with fresh, new candles….including refilling our box of tealights for the ailing, dead, and those who request honest, legitimate help from us.

The candle for the patron of our relationship has been lit off and on for days-  it might surprise some to know that it is Freyr we look to for relationship issues rather than any Rokkr.  We as a couple remain remarkably stable- however, the process of life regarding the wedding “clicking” into place around us needed a “spark” of discontent in our wedding plans- we had to defend our religious practices to another, which then triggered a chain affect of solidifying a much more complicated and satisfying wedding arrangement than even I imagined beforehand.

So- my idea of the picnic is the woods is still going to work; we have confirmed Ed’s favorite park with pavilion space enough for food and the possibility of rain.  Furthermore, in letting go of my innate habit of being the “planner” in the relationship-  Ed created a beautiful 3-tiered wedding process that never would have crossed my mind that solves a series of problems I was struggling to accommodate.

First, since we have to get our license from the state anyway, he wanted a private judge-wedding with just family followed by a nice dinner at the beginning of the month.  This way, we can take advantage of the next 10 days he has off for a honeymoon that is technically “real”….including some light day trips to places like the Mutter Museum and possibly Salem or New York.

Since we are doing this all ourselves- the day before our actual Braucher- officiated wedding; we are having a get together lunch with whomever wishes to join us at a Scottish restaurant near the majority of my friends the Saturday before- a sort of cross between the idea of a bachelor/ette party and rehearsal dinner….followed by an evening of cards against humanity and take-out cuisine for the evening as those out-of-towners and people who wish to help set up for the “big” thing stay overnight at our apartment if they want to.   Then, Sunday- as I get my hair done, (and possibly nurse my hangover) the men set up in the morning, then at 2pm we have a  family friendly picnic, Heathen ceremony- and at the end of the evening, whomever is left to help with clean up comes back to our apartment for sumbel, in the midst of all of our altars, our cats, and all the blessings one can want.

So, right now, I am waiting on the judge to call me back to confirm the first week of July for the “legal-ease” wedding, set up a hair appointment for the 28th, and now- I am looking for a cheap florist to provide a bouquet or two… as well as good, sturdy flowers to wear in my hair.  Looking at bulk prices, it appears miniature blue carnations and baby’s breath sent via some online site are currently the front runners.  20 bucks for 50 stems of each.  Not bad.

Still need to purchase shoes, a slip, and next week- my fiancee’s Scottish regalia.  The wax mold for our rings will be seen on June 22- then fabricated that week.  And I have learned that even a “simple” wedding still takes planning, time, and slightly more money than expected.

I also discovered my former roommate from over a year ago was apparently attempting to claim food stamps under my name- leaving me with a thousand dollar reimbursement to contest. (which I am not concerned about-I have a copy of my lease proving my residence here in THIS county)   I am beginning to seriously consider purchasing a small filing cabinet for our Tyr (Ziu) altar- since all my paperwork regarding “justice”, “injustice”, and anything “government” hath started running over…

I agree with the Christians when their book stated “Give what is Caesar’s unto Caesar.”  Meaning- let all political/government/legal matters be entirely separate from the rest of life whenever possible.  Tyr has been generous with guidance and help on these things, so I have faith Justice will be done.

So, our cake and our wedding will be three-tiered- but nine separate cakes for each realm of Norse.  We have done our best to minimize butt-hurt in this way and we have also learned that dealing with either religious politics or my family politics is exactly like a game of RISK:  By the time you have the board set up properly, you realize you have no desire to actually play the game.

So, I’m not going out of my way to contact extended family except very minimally, the same goes for anyone else estranged on either side, or religiously speaking- if they show up, they will be expected to be on their best behavior lest they be promptly removed by my brother’s friends who would enjoy the privilege.   My brother, sister-in-law, and best friends along with Ed’s family get their “Specialness” with the court wedding…(since there was possibility of offense being taken by not having attendants or a special “family” part some people love so much)…and We still get to have our religious Heathen celebration…

…and hopefully, the medical issues will be resolved in that time as well; one problem will be solved at least- in July, under new insurance, I will get to see my old therapist again who was better trained on my issues- which will very much help minimize any terror at the idea of a large crowd on the 28th.

So- need to hear back from the judge, make hair appointments for the two of us for the first week of July still, buy the Kilt/Highland shirt combo for my man, buy shoes and a slip, figure out where to get a garter and bouquet, and I think that’s about it….other than dollar store streamers to mark our pavilion as “Taken”.

Since so many of our friends are LGBTQ- Ed will be wearing the garter and throwing the bouquet- Bi/pansexuals reading this:  Pick ONE to go for.   The result of who-catches-which could end up anywhere from “typical” to awkwardly hilarious. 🙂

However, after the chaos of being accepted then rejected from location to location- I think the end solution turned out to be the best solution-  all I needed to do was let go and allow my fiancee the confidence to figure out solutions to problems that vexed me.  I’m not used to being with someone equally to more competent than myself:  But if he wasn’t, I wouldn’t be marrying him.

Weddings are usually the dominion of the “woman”-  after years of self analysis, I should have known that if it’s the domain of the “woman” I am likely the least equipped for the task out of anyone to attempt to navigate such waters.

I am willing to pimp Ed out as a wedding planner by the way- he’s remarkably good at creating elegant, clever,  and complex solutions… just pay him for his time.

That is for another post;  when to know when people are taking advantage of you for things they should be paying you for but don’t….

Weird People; Stranger ideas… A Statement on Comparative Religion

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2013 by Tyrienne
Norse Gods by Floriflor of

Norse Gods by Floriflor of

I promised today by a friend’s encouragement I would check in on the latest community outcry over the discovery that there are people who are claiming they are having valid UPG’s (unverified personal gnosis) regarding fictional characters/gods, or those who confuse the “Real” Gods with Pop-media interpretations by the same name.

I am of several thoughts on the matter; first of all- we are dealing with an issue which is multidimensional.   I knew a few people in my high school who were very vaguely sensitive to psychic energy; but they were complete idiots and ascribed all things mystical to “dragons.”  To the rest of us with slightly more ability, we would raise our eyebrows and try to explain calmly that, no, not all psychic energy can be ascribed to dragons because that is the image they attached to metaphysical phenomena in their little heads…. but ultimately, people will believe what they choose to believe.  They sensed something “real” they could not fully comprehend, so their minds filled in the blanks the best they could-  this has happened since humanity began- it’s creative, but creativity is not the same as truth.

This is my personal experience of the Norse Gods:

Personally, I am not a fan of Marvel’s interpretation of the Norse pantheon, especially with my connection to Loki- the Loki I know is eloquent, diplomatic, and incredibly resourceful- he is a loner who serves as a nexus of connections for every purpose rather than a “leader” and if given the chance to “lead” a group he would respectfully point you towards someone more willing for the job.  Loki is not an antagonist to the Norse, he is a truth-teller of uncomfortable truth…why?  Because being stuck in social situations based on lies when your primary attribute is intelligence is almost painful to tolerate; polite niceties, false fronts, and white lies make life more complicated than necessary- and there are other things that need to be accomplished without all the added bullshit.   There are Gods who equally intolerant of such things- but they keep such things in check by other means.  Where Loki will expose a flaw, weakness, or weak link in a community- Tyr will simply quietly watch the troublesome party until injustice has occurred by their actions and then He will take swift judgement and retribution; especially against those who speak ill against His name- whereas Loki is almost “used” to being maligned.

Vidarr remains silent and absents himself from all conversation allowing his actions to speak for Him…. and when faced with absurdity, Freyr will politely find the company of more rational minds and absent himself entirely.  Hela forever remains outside the little nexus and vertices of any and all human interpersonal drama-  She prefers to speak to her chosen individually; and likely gives each dead man and woman their time.

I have no idea how Thor handles the raging throngs of devotees and fans he has accrued.  If I were him, it would be sufficient reason to drink- but I do not know Him well, and we have only interacted once on His behest.  On that occasion, he was extraordinarily gentle in the fact that I was contributing to the whole Loki vs. Thor debacle the American community has concocted and He wished for me to meet Him personally so I could personally hear from Him that He is no adversary to Loki, but instead a close confidant.  Also, He asked that when there is a situation that requires Action rather than Diplomacy, to never be hesitant to call on Him.  Like His rune, Thurisaz, He can both erect boundaries or remove them swiftly depending on the need.

As for Odin, wise, militant, mad, and brilliant Woten- All Father to most, and Blood Brother to Loki;  He is the most unpredictable of them all; when He speaks, you are silent and there is no room for argument- He is Right.  But He also speaks in riddles at times, and leaves it to you to discern His meaning when He blesses you with His guidance.

The Norse I know WILL lead you through fire, test you, and temper you like steel-  As Lokian, you are to use your mind to find your way, an Odinsperson is to use their intuition….and a Tyrsperson will have their Honor tested again and again. Helspeople will be found to comfort the grieving as well as to assist with transitions of those already passed….  the undertakers of this world may be less seen than they have ever been at any point in history at this moment- but the chosen of the Gods of the dead: Morrigan, Anubis, Hel, Baron Samedi, Izanami, and the Shinigami still exist and their real “work” in this life is not their nine-to-five job.

Those of the Tricksters: Loki, Inari, Papa Legba, Coyote, Eris, and even Odin will always question human rules and limitations- all human laws and rules are transient; divine law is immutable- they prove to us that we will never conclusively know ANYTHING, much less everything- it is the wise person who is more aware of how much they do not know rather than he or she who is secure in what they believe they do know.

There are the peacemakers: Baldr, Frigga, Freyr, Kuan Yin, Buddha, Apollo, and friendly vaetirr-  They will stand in fire themselves to stop needless conflict; even the most hardened warrior knows the best battle is the one avoided.

Gods of Love and/or passion:  Inanna, Freyr, Aphrodite, Eros,  Freyja, Frigg and countless others…  Honest Love is more important than any other human goal.

There are those of the Gods of war: Tyr, Berchta, Thor, Ares, Athena, The Morrigan (again), Freyja, Inanna, and Odin- there are actions necessary for change…  it would be utopia to live in a world without war- but conflict is necessary for growth.

In fact, Thor indicated most “walk away” from Tyr, for living life as a Tyrsperson is excruciatingly difficult since the demands of what is Honorable leave no margin for error; however, I have also found His demands upon me to be few…but those few are time consuming, put me in the spotlight when my Lokian nature prefers shadow, and oftentimes lead me into direct confrontation with many people’s cherished beliefs or life practices which to Tyr, are unacceptable.

If you wish to work with Tyr, you must abide by his rules of unflinching truth, bravery through fear, and occasionally sacrifice for the greater good- you will never be promised wealth, popularity, or any other stupid human desire; but rather, you have the reward of doing “the right thing” for it’s own sake- that is the only proper reward given and accepted by a Tyrian….but it comes at the cost of interpersonal relationships at times- and further, it exposes you openly to those who would knock you down equally to those who would support you.  He didn’t get to keep his hand; he knew the Aesir were lying to Fenrir, and he knew that lies have a price to be paid.   Tyr is fairness, judgement, leadership, and war: both the avoidance of war as well as knowing it’s necessity; that there will be times in our lives we will need to fight, metaphorically or physically, to keep all from slavery, subjugation, and untruth.

So, we have people worshipping Marvel Thor, My Little Ponies, Gods from S&M novels, teletubbies, and weebles….  What does this all mean?  The same thing it has always meant and will always mean- some people do not have the functioning capacity to accurately perceive the reality of mystiscm and therefore, do the best they can with the analogies they have available in their minds.  I cannot possibly deny that thoughts and intentions have a power of their own- and according to Plato (as a former Philosophy student) thoughts themselves can be/ may be more solid and “real” than our perception of reality.   There are people in Russia who worship the characters of 1990’s cartoon show “Tailspin” and a cult in Florida who believes that Elian Gonzales is the second coming of Christ.

We have millions of people who picture Jesus as blonde haired and blue eyed despite the fact that the region in which he was born was entirely Semitic indicating it is far more likely if he existed he would have possessed dark hair and eyes as well as tan skin.   People have gone out of their way to make their Jesus look as they do- to make Their God a reflection of them….so too, that is what we are seeing with  those who are simply “fans” of spirituality rather than actual spiritual practitioners.

A true spiritual practitioner will never ask you for your subservience-  that is given to the Gods alone- they do not care for most human concerns knowing that in being spiritual, most if not all of their needs will be provided for.   Most will be tested by poverty, madness, and/or severe illness over the course of their lives which deepens them and allows them greater compassion for others; a bitter man is one who has walked away from his sacred calling…. and I have known several to be “former” clergy/teachers/chosen of Gods.  Their auras are marked with silver grey where there used to be gold- and they often fall victim to human trappings of vanity, pride, fame, greed, or paranoia- or perhaps even other things I do not know of and thankfully have not observed yet.

Some Gods will take you back if you stray from the path….other Gods, there is no returning to, ever.  People do not like finality, they fear death, and they fear change- yet all three things will be experienced in every single human lifetime.   There are people who do not forgive, there are actions that are unforgivable (namely, those who harm innocents without remorse), there are animals in nature that will always kill to survive, there are endings and there are beginnings; life chapters that perhaps some pages of the future have a few words written already, but mostly- you are on your own to create your life and make what choices you will to make your own life tolerable.  Most people in the United States, sadly, will have no “life” to speak of- as they age they will grow into increasing self-isolation and allow television and other distractions to take the place of human interaction and communion with nature- they will work jobs with people they hate, and some with create families they will grow to resent simply because they do what is expected of them- these people will never find lasting fulfillment.

Regardless of which religion or path you follow- understand that you will not always “gain” what you put into it-  sometimes, there will be windfalls, sometimes, there will be storms- regardless, if you are “called”- you are expected if you accept that call to devote the entirety of yourself to your practices, to reading, speaking, exploring, listening, and even teaching.   You are not to seek a title out of pride, but out of necessity to distinguish yourself like a lighthouse so that the lost may easily find you, and in turn, find their Gods.  As clergy, your job is to step in as an intermediary to connect a person to the Divine…. then allow the Divine to make of that person what they will.

Not all people are clergy, not all people who declare themselves as clergy are recognized as such by the Gods, and regardless of classes, degrees, certifications or any of that nonsense- a clergyman/woman will be what they are if they are “certified” or not.  What is promised is that they will always know that not all questions have answers; and the answers that do exist are not the ones that people usually wish to hear.

There are very few times in life where no work is necessary, (unless one already works too hard-) and our culture is habitually lazy.

Never trust the person who gives the most comforting answer to the difficult questions, because that person is one who is not in the company of Gods, but one who seeks the company and comfort of humanity who will praise him/her for being so gentle.

Some Gods are gentle at times, but most are not.  Some Gods you’ve heard of never existed and never will outside of fantasy, some Gods you never heard of are Real and will continue to exist without your knowledge of them.   Your own willpower creates much of the reality you experience- thus, many people can falsely attribute their success of their endeavors to just about anything.

One problem with our culture is we have been trained by monotheism to believe ourselves to be “powerless”-  however, even the Bible states “He who has faith the size of a mustard seed may command a mountain to move, and move it shall.”   Faith does not necessarily indicate a divine influence, but rather a trust in a result.

There is a difference.

So, where do I stand?  I can only speak for myself- and my own knowledge is limited to my own personal experience.  I am more experienced than some and much less experienced than some others.   I believe that people “make up” their own gods all the time much like children make up imaginary friends-  however, I believe the relation between that point of view the reality of Godhood is the same as that between an imaginary friend and real, human companion.

I have made references to the shadows on the cave wall in several other postings of mine-  what we are dealing with is nothing more than people interpreting shadows on the wall who lack the ability to turn around and see what causes them.  People who see shapes in clouds and then bow down before them in worship- despite the fact that the next person to the right of them sees nothing but water vapor.

There are many things in life that we as humans have enough personal power from within ourselves to create and destroy without the help or hindrance of any deity whatsoever.

There are thoughtforms that people have put extraordinary amounts of human energy into over many centuries that persist- they are “real” in the sense that they have been made “real” much like one can create a teddy bear.  The teddy bear will act predictably and will be able to do what tasks up to a human’s knowledge of how to make it accomplish tasks- (think robotics).   However, a teddy bear bares little resemblance to a real bear which, by nature, thinks independently from humans, is not 100% predictable in actions, and although may be studied- may never be reproduced cell-by-cell by humans.  In this analogy, I think of Christ as a captured bear, defanged and dressed in garish regalia- his wildness taken from him and forced into the image of mankind where the Jesus-of-the-wild would rally against the exact same people who would have him forced to be imagined in such a way.   Jesus is not a God of the rich, the judgmental, or  the corrupt….and yet, to those same people he is their greatest tool for manipulation of the masses.  If the Nazarene ever existed, He would not be recognized by the majority of his followers if He materialized in front of them.

Same goes for Thor, these days….Loki, Odin, Bastet, Isis, Brigid, or any other popular God or Goddess you can name.

You will not know the true spiritualist by their friends, you will know them by their loneliness….though their friends may be many, most of their time will be in the company of very very few- since their time, ultimately, belongs first to their devotion to those who sustain them.

Also, as Lokian, I need to state: there are exceptions to every rule.   But this is what I do know:

1. Not all who claim to be heathen/Asatru will go to Valhalla- that is for the warriors who die in battle and honorable women- Please pay your respects and give honor to Hela while you are alive for it is better to do so now than apologize when you are dead.

2. Thor abhors purposeless bloodshed.  There is times and a reasons for war, but not all are legitimate.

3. Not everyone is cut out to be spiritual; those who have the Gods favor do not care about your disapproval very much-  the approval of their Gods is worth more than the approval of any human.  Those who do not have the Gods favor will ever be begging for human acceptance.

4. Love and family are worth all sacrifice-  However, family is something you create more than something you are born into.  Those who are the children of atrocious people are honor-bound to stop the cycles of abuse; and find their own honor and create their own families upon adulthood.   We are not beholden to care for those in old age who did not care properly for their young.  That is their punishment; poor behavior and injustice overrides any blood tie.  Those who harm the innocent are best neutralized and sterilized.

5. Any person can be caustic if they are in the wrong environment;  just as any person can be virtuous if given the correct tools and desire to be so.   What may be a close friend to one person may not be the healthiest choice for you.   Be very wary of people who are liked by “everyone”; oftentimes they are least honest.  One who has detractors may indicate that they have the courage to speak their true mind- give all people the benefit of the doubt and make your own judgement on each person rather than relying on the words of others.

6. There are no laws created by humans that are 100% just for all other humans.  There is no one experience, perception, or thought that is true for all people, and there is no person who should be revered over any other.   All humans are fallible- do not trust those who demand your respect.  Respect flows like water naturally- if it must be forced, then it is tyranny.

7. Finally:  Keep an open mind; as humans, everything you think you know is suspect to be proven false at any time.

Hail to my patrons, Loki and Tyr- the All-Father, Freyr, and all others who watch over me and those I care for.  Hail to those of other Pantheons who have blessed me, Hanuman, Inari, Inanna, Kuan Yin, Allah, and all I may have forgotten.

I raise a horn to the truth that two true spiritual people, regardless of who they worship, will always find common ground!

May the Gods watch over us all- and if they do not speak to you, then I pray that awareness grows to discover why they would not.

I do not have the answers.  I only have my thoughts, my experiences, and my personal Truth- and that Truth can change at any moment if I am proven wrong. 🙂