Archive for the Uncategorized Category

Reddit is a great place to be a chaplain.

Posted in Uncategorized on May 21, 2018 by Tyrienne

First, I have reached the conclusion that facebook can indeed be a cognitive addiction, I left around May 1st-ish and I still find myself reaching for my phone to make stupid little status updates even now. Example, walking my dog Ziu on the stream path behind our home and picking wild Sping onions. Okay, they will taste great in my stir fry this evening, but no one in Odinism outside of the local Braucherei would care about wild onions, and more importantly, the vast majority of them are fiercely against social media and limit internet use, if they even have the internet at all.

So, therefore, I concluded I would be sharing something entirely meaningless except for a small handful of other forager-types, and onions are nothing special compared to morel mushroom season or finding a decent sized chicken-of-the-woods (big shelf fungus that allegidly tastes like chicken.)

I suppose since Leah’s memorial service my focus in my chaplaincy shifted a bit. I am a little better known outside of just Odinism now and I felt a bit overwhelmed and needed to pull back my online interactions a bit. I still do as much (or little?) as always, but instead of being a one woman suicide/crisis/grief hotline- by pure happenstance I wound up on an obscure forum on Reddit for individuals and their families seeking support for a type of rare medical condition which happens to be incredibly common in my family.

I had a family medical emergency from that condition last week, created a stupid off-the-cuff throwaway name looking for resources for myself, was quickly connected to what I needed and in turn, learned that many of the questions people were posting on that forum I have the resources to answer or, at very least, point people in the correct direction to find answers that the moderators were at a loss to fix. I seemed to very quickly find a nice niche in there and have been happily helping ever since.

I do not give medical advice by any means, but I sure know my way around the process of finding the right types of doctors, can offer my own experience as a person who has family who suffer the condition for how to best help symptomatic family, and as a bonus, still have every chaplain resource available to listen or refer others to even better resources that can quickly help them out and even lead to solutions that stick- whereas with suicide/grief chaplaincy there are seldom quick fixes, nor even clear resolutions in many cases outside of therapy I am not qualified to provide beyond listening and the time it takes for psychological wounds to heal.

My /u/Tyrienne account still is active on regular reddit, but I discovered it is also a very nice change of pace to just be a ‘normal’, multifaith chaplain who can help with a few sentences and some links as opposed to pulling all-nighters with suicidal strangers via private messaging.

Reddit forums can be much more structured, especially the older forums. The acutely suicidal are better served by calling a crisis line such as 1-800-SUICIDE instead of me staying online for countless hours attempting to convince people to call that number. I realize I was living part of my life as a human redundancy.

So, I now have a secret screenname I use exclusively for a forum for a condition that is common in my biological family, something I know how to navigate the treatment process fairly well from a lifetime of understanding the condition. There, my religion as Odinist has only been mentioned twice, but I feel much happier overall with my work.

For one thing, it ceased feeling like “work”… although Heathen-Odinist chaplains with degrees and certifications seldom get paid anyway, the three or four of us in the US community I know definately work our asses off in our respective volunteer work. I know one in the military, one weddings, and one or two who did prison work, who if reading this, I dearly hope continued that outreach.

Heathenry, by nature does not have religious authorities…and should NOT be human billboards attempting to convert. Instead, we should serve as intake to answer questions and give out the basic booklist of the Eddas and helpful, supporting literature. (As always, my favorite remains “The Odin Brotherhood” by Mark Mirabello)

Each man and woman stands on their own in their European spirituality and do not and should not require any intermediary between ourselves and our Ancestors and Gods. Too often American Heathenry and Odinism falls into the Abrahamic pattern/trap of clergy with congregation… and really, that is not how we are supposed to work at all.

The Goethe/Gythia or even legal chaplain is a servant to the community and should only be responsible for helping others through difficult times, providing resources, performing services that the law requires legal clergy for (most people choose weddings, I chose funerals and forcing doctors to offer hospice care as an option for families with loved ones about to pass on from illness or traumatic injury), or in passing on our traditions to children and those who are newly called to our faith. We are supposed to lead only by example, and encourage each Odinist to be a leader in their own right.

We are not meant to have hierarchy, no one Odinist is more ‘important’ than any other. Each of us is capable of reading our own books, performing our own holiday rituals, and it is essentially toxic to lead a group of Odinists like a minister runs a Christian church.

My former kindred was very good at giving each person their equal moments of leadership for most of the extraordinarily long life it existed until many of our brothers fell into hard drug use. In trying so hard to integrate into other local communities, I got lost, and actually hurt a great deal by politics and backstabbing as other individuals jockied for ‘leadership’ roles in organizations.

Heathenry should not be organized, Odinism is an intimately personal experience you share with your family and like-minded friends.

I have successfully made some progress in reconnecting with my roots with the local Dńęevturba (and in refreshing my passive fluency in Latvian) and my chaplaincy degrees and such are actually better used at this time helping people as simply someone who went to college for the correct education to provide resources and support for anyone I can help, regardless of their own faith or mine.

I am a chaplain who is also an Odinist. I need to remember that, as should all others who went for legal legitimacy. It can be difficult to reconcile where we are supposed to ‘fit’ in our communities verses our legal title which was created based on a monotheistic model.

The federal government is very specific about how religions are defined and accepted; Odinists who seek accredited, ecclesiastical and counseling training are valuable in proving our legitimacy to non-Heathens, but we are not nor should not be anything other than a resource for the community entire or anyone else who could use our assistance.

It is a calling and a privilege, not an accomplishment.

When I feel up to it, I will be swinging back to the Odin Brotherhood forums as Tyrienne, but other than that, I have people to celebrate holidays with and invites I still would like to work up the nerve to accept from kindreds who operate on a more equal, appropriately ‘each person is a descendant of Gods’ model. (Hi MJG: Call me again, we need to catch up.)

Otherwise, the absolute most important thing to my spirituality at present is being here for my godchildren who are now all reaching that critical puberty age where I can take some stress off the parents by providing a thorough religious education on our beautiful tapestry European polytheistic religions and watch them bloom. One of my little goddaughter’s has even developed an obsession with fox fylgia and I am absolutely thrilled by that!

I do love talking about foxes, and in a few weeks I look forward to seeing my eldest godchild and her grandma before she leaves Pennsylvania for the summer for upstate NY.

So, this is where my path is right this moment in May of 2018. I will have my husband post this on the facebook page for me, and if any of you from real life or OB still need my phone number, email me at renalexanders@gmail.com

Also, summer solstice is coming up, it would be a great time now to scoutout your local mountains…and while doing so, I still support #Wotennetwork and Woten on the Peaks created by Stephen McNallen. Bring your horn and raise it high for the purpose of our Gods stirring up the blood of the collective ancestral spiritualities of our folk to the old (and very good!) Ways of our Gods and ancestors!

Hailsa!ūü¶ä

I am not leaving.

Posted in Uncategorized on May 9, 2018 by Tyrienne

I am not leaving. I deavtivated facebook, I vent on Reddit, I play my viola/cello/violin (badly), and text people one on one.

I find myself pulled, as if addicted to overstare details of the more fucked up moments I have seen in real life, real time, instead I am saving them up for future blog posts.

Basically: How do I live my life and try to respond to the challenges life throws my way with an Odinist ethic?

This is what I think about often, among other things. How do I msintain a consistent, ethical response to all life events to the very best I am able.

There is zero guidebook that informs you on how to respond to modern life written by Tyr Himself, nor even Odin.

After the Hamaval, it is just us, doing the best we can to represent virtues we value.

Sometimes, I regret that my primary focus is gross honesty.

This entire post is the equivilent of vaguebooking. Truth is, at this moment I am dealing with recent trauma I am attempting to assimilate into becoming a benign thought in a sea of other traumas.

The problem with being traumatized at a young age is the inevitability of finding new, more bizarre traumas seeking you to completely fuck up your entire view of yourself and how much or little your life interfaces with other people in your life.

I have very good friends, the best therapist, support networks for days. The worst decision I make in my life is interact with people who hurt me and I recoil like a fucking viper and randomly strike back with my flashbacks and try to get people, like my family, to care about the times I was strangled as a child because tgey didn’t help me enough, call 911, protect me.

The above paragraph is part of what I am objectively experiencing in my mind right now, I am stressed and overwhelmed. It triggers. Not the co opted word ‘triggered’. I am having a psychological/medical episode I am treating with medication and writing out my thought processes.

The writing content, intensity, and style changes as I manage phonecalls from my shrink and my friends checking in on me. It is embarrassing I need that, but I am very grateful to have them all.

The problem is this time this is something new. I never saw this before, and I am frightened for everyone else who has seen what I have, and my other problems seem so alien compared to seeing a disease worse than the worst disease you know literally eat the brains of your best friend like a goddamned zombie buffett.

I wish I could talk about it and vent everything, but I can’t until they literally die.

For what it’s worth, I estimate that will be in under a year unless he decides otherwise.

But seriously, don’t lie to your friends for ten years about your problems because the 11th hour quickly moves to midnight and leaves me with nothing left to work with.

P.s. my husband will be posting my blogs on The Lokean fb page. I might just delete this post anyway.

Nookk has left the hospital at last; she was last seen eating trash and driving a Fnord

Posted in Uncategorized on April 17, 2018 by Tyrienne
Tastykaaaake!

This is the only picture of Leah Beam/Nookk Finn that belongs entirely to me. I share…also, here is the link to her Gofundme for her actual, biological family for her funeral expenses she created herself before she died: https://www.gofundme.com/7cpyp-leahs-funeral-expenses

Yeah, I got something to say: Asatru/Odinism/Heathenry, as a whole has nothing on the love that is flowing through the electronic veins of every social media site, forum, and group of Discordians and Chaotes the past month. The worshippers of the Norse have proven time and again to be more full of division, chaos, and discord than the actual movement CALLED “Discordianism”.

A few years ago, I stumbled across a post by a young girl on a Discordian page with over ten thousand members. I have no recollection of what she posted that impressed me so much at the time; however, my immediate action was to bring her into the wonderful, sweet center of Discordianist groups- the schisms and sweet little cabals in which we whisper our secrets and fears.

I even gave her the The Key.

For almost ten years there has been a myth about “Discordian Key Membership”- I forget who added me, but somehow, I ended up a moderator along the way… so I added her. Out of thousands of people on facebook, we agreed, before she was even old enough to legally vote, that she embodied the best of Eris herself.

Personally, I got so wrapped up in my anger at the Asatru community for not being better that I did not see “my people”. Although I moderated several larger cabals in Discordianism, my activity was so sparse that the few times I commented in the larger groups- It was met with confusion:

“Wait, why does it say you are a moderator? Are you an alt?”

“Nope, been here for years, I just don’t post often. ūüėö”

My moderatorship has not been to ban or to remove, but to sort people into the right communities: the artists into the glitch groups, the meme and content creator’s into others, and even further, to petition to allow those of us who are depressed, ill, or just going through some shit into groups where we provide one hell of an internet family.

Online, I joined Asatru and Discordian communities concurrently. I read “Condensed Chaos” by Phil Hine around the same time I began reading books on Runes before I even hit puberty.

As a Heathen, I am constantly having to both downplay/ stand up for myself for a variety of reasons: My political beliefs, the Gods I worship, right down to taking a fucking DNA test to prove to the most conservative among you that not only do I meet you quotas for “blood quantum”, I exceed most of you with being 100% made in Europe…and ironically, posting this screenshot caught me a 30 day fb ban(I will post the pic that got me my second ban at the end of this post.)

Every. Single. Fucking. Time. Someone I care about dies, I learn something that changes my life.

So far, so few people have died in my adult life I have not learned very much yet, but thanks to Leah-and the process of organising myself to perform her memorial service in less than a week, I have learned just how fucking much Discordians, Chaotes, and pagans OUTSIDE of Asatru come together internationally without conflict.

No mistake, there are some incredibly difficult, violent, and downright volatile feuds, however, those feuds are not about ideas…but between individuals. We have several who do not get along one on one, but it is fairly easy to navigate.¬† The feuds are usually legendary, but seldom divide us into “taking sides”.

We divide into schisms over entirely random reasons usually.

We know some people are miserable bastards, and others have actual, serious traumas they experienced that we try to be sensitive about (loss of a loved one, combat, disfigurement, etc). Some people create the most famous memes on the internet, some are employed by various governments and just hang out to talk freely where they cannot otherwise.

We have our own term for not being Discordian enough: Greyface. It means, basic, boring, dull, uninspired, and intellectually inferior.

We have serious, Hellenic, theistic Discordians with home altars to Eris, we have Heathens like me who honor Eris and Idunna as the same Goddess and we have Atheists/Agnostics who love the pseudo-religious aspects of the movement. They coexist… and honestly, much of the time we would have difficulty identifying one from the other.

We have actual celebrities and the conventionally successful commenting and writing content right alongside the disabled and the homeless. We do not care about relative wealth or status in the ‘conventional’ world in our Discordian communities.

When I am running my crisis chat, at least 75% of the people I help are in the Chaote communities.  They are my online family that is truly reciprocal.  We help each other without posturing or talking like we are on a Game of Thrones set.

Chaosists and Discordians are thoroughly modern, and may be the second most recent, spontaneous religion in numbers… the most recent being the new worship of the Ancient Egyptian Chaos-deity, Kek; the frog headed.¬† Fascinating stuff!‚úī

In setting up this memorial service, I learned more people in the entire world exist and belong to Discordian/Chaote/Chaos Magician groups several times over than Asatru as a whole.

Furthermore, when the Lokeans and Surtr worshippers were attacked online and in real life, excluded and derided by American Asatru groups: without pause, many assimilated into Discordia and Chaos Magicka communities. I swear I have seen more Heathen tattoos from friends in Disco than actual Hearhen groups.

We have our own authors, musicians, rituals, and organizations both online and off. Discordians are not fighting for recognition as a religion because, overall, very few require that sort of validation. They came from other belief systems and are tired of lables, or just tired of hierarchies.

Discordians do not have “leaders”, we have “key members” who are basically nodes who are connected to the most other members. We have people some of us really, honestly love and respect…but not usually universally.

Anyway, Leah is one of those people who actually *is* loved throughout every group I have seen among those that knew her. A tiny, twenty-two year old woman had the enormous power to bring hundreds of people defined under a title that suggests the opposite of accord.

Leah Nookk is still showing us how strong an unintentional community can bond, and also, how a single person can have such a profound, positive impact on not only the individuals they interact with, but improve an entire community that is both religious and anti-religion concurrently.

So, for the next several moments, fuck you, modern Asatru… for almost everything: from the disrespect you show to the belief systems of my family from Latvia to your bullshit faux-viking reconstructive rituals which are simply Wicca but with more alcoholism.

By birth, I am Heathen…but our American Heathen community is usually pretty awful and filled with petty bickering and too much heartache all.the.damned.time.

I am an accredited, degreed, chaplain. I can enter any hospital or hospice to perform my calling if I am asked.

I remember when I was suicidal and give as much time as I have to give to anyone who wants someone to listen and help them find a way to experience wanting to live again.

I think maybe the passing of my friend has given me more to process and disseminate than even the death of my former kindred brother whose passing clearly marked the end of an age of local Heathenry where the Folkish and Universalists got along. Time has proven that much.

Leah? Our ‘Nookk Finn’ has already proven that her life is the beginning of a new, positive movement around the entire motherfucking world of people who (mostly) read “The Principia Discordia”…and our strength together as a supportive, batshit crazy, but has true freedom of expression from SJW to Alt-Right, often in the same online forums, not even arguing since it is impossible to tell who is just “having fun” by poking both bears with sticks and who is home wearing drag wearing nothing but a MAGA hat in all seriousness and solemnity.

And goddamn, on Monday I will be filmed dressed like a raccoon, celebrating the life of Leah with as much joy as I can give you from my heart, and raising a horn to Discordia’s newest Saint, Queen Nookk, Leah the Goddess whose reputation and inspiration will long outlast the incredibly fortunate twenty two years we had her on this Earth, and has already become a legend: the woman who Made Discordians All Get Along, She Who Likely Had No Enemies.

Which makes her the quintessential Chaote among Chaotes, the most ironic of the absurd, and we gladly make her yet another icon to add to the infinite pantheon collective of every God, Goddess, and processed hotdog Chaos Magicians already honor as a whole.

This memorial is open to all and will be Totemist/Absurdist but still vaguely Odinist since Odinism is my own base.

The service will be held live 4/23/2018 at 3:23 EST

For the first time I can say: “Man, I am fucking glad to be Lokean and clergy to do this ritual.” For Heathen stuff I really have to lean so far into my existence Tyrsvolk I forget what “smiling” means anymore.

Thank you, Leah. Wherever you are right now, thank you for helping me work so hard to create this for you on Monday, and I hope it would make you smile for real if you got to watch me while you still wore your meatsuit like the rest of us here!

There will be snax. ūüíõūüĖ§ūüíõ

As promised, this is the picture that got me a 7 day ban that ends Friday on my “tame” account. The Zuccbots think my couch is literally a penis.

Although it has not yet been removed from my “spicy” account, it was too sexy for facebook and declared “posting obscene materials” and the picture has been deleted by facebook where I captioned it with the seductive title in several groups “So, I remodeled my basementūüėā:

In light of this, the service will be held live in this most controversial space with Sexy Couch posing seductively behind me during the broadcast.

Eris=Idunna to me and many others and She definately has Her own ways of indicating what She thinksis appropriateritial space.

Leah will forever be 22 years old to the world that loves her; the Germanic Goddess of Eternal Youth was her Goddess who loved her by the name of Eris, and this is *my* belief.ūüćéūüĆ≠ūüćŹ

To learn more on the connections I make between European paganism and modern Discordianism, please search my other posts with the word: Discordian

(I am le’tired of editing: I wrote this on my phone.¬† There are grammar/spelling mistakes.¬† I have better things to do than keep editing a mostly intelligible article.¬† If you see an error, assume it it intentional chaos‚úī…because IDGAF ūü¶ä)

Lead by Virtue, Become the Change

Posted in Uncategorized on February 12, 2018 by Tyrienne

(I am writing this on my mobile at 2am and likely will not get to correcting any formatting/autocorrect errors until later: beware)

Whatever hand life has dealt, the past you endured, your collection of regrets and regrets you collected… there is nothing at all stopping an inner drive for self improvement outside the self.

To be in a controversial movement and to forward it with legitimacy, strive to be strong, honest, courageous, and admirable. There is no excuse for dishonesty nor for permitting obstacles to continue to limit your growth in other directions.

You can no longer dance? Learn to sing.

You can’t walk? Learn a stationary talent- write, take up an instrument, keep fucking trying to improve where ever you can, physically or mentally.

Strive to improve, even in sickness, and you will never be a burden.

I survived depression and both physical and psychological maladies, but I worked my fucking ass to improve. Of all the things that helped the most was entirely dropping people out of my life who were not equally willing to continue to strive for a greater, more meaningful existence… while bringing me down with their inability to take care of their own, personal garbage.

I am not inviting the untruthful, those who ever threatened me harm, those who harm innocents, nor will I ever be ‘holding the door ever open’ for even relatives who cannot even fathom what personal pride even feels like anymore after convoluted lives built upon precariously stacked lies.

If I can live 100% honestly, I expect no less from those I continue to share my time with.

Since decisively removing myself from people who do not add any meaningful contribution to my continued existence, especially degenerate family members, I seem to have reconnected with better, more stable individuals who add to my life instead of collapsing my sanctuary.

My peace is my own to disrupt or to keep. To keep the abusive in my life was my greatest absurdity, and it is difficult to concentrate when always, there is that feeling of waiting for the next bullshit drama from the same offenders, those who would rather wear their afflictions like a cross or medal instead of an obstacle to either overcome or work around.

My goal is to lead by example- to continue to improve in mind and body. To the ideal of becoming beyond reproach and emotionally bullet proof against the ethically and/or intellectually inferior who strive to destroy all that is honest and beautiful in this world.

If you have lied about me, you are unwelcome.

If you have put me in danger by your actions without my consent, you have only earned my disregard.

But for those of you, hundreds of you who also have found the taste of freedom in no longer being apologetic for our existence: Welcome!

May we all strive to rebuild a community despite our broken families and prior experiences of degenerate peers and disingenuous friends, to move beyond permitting the mantle of unholy scapegoat to be placed around our shoulders without objection.

Instead, stand up- look down at your detractors and be merciless in your deconstruction of them should they dare attempt to bring you down to their level one final time. Destroy them with your words once, then never again waste your time on them.  Or even better, ignore them completely: if you can live without formal closure.

Gods know my life is better if I follow my own advice!

I am no Christian to be a bended knee fool to appease anyone outside of the Gods.

If my Gods are also ‘unacceptable’… you too, can fuck right off. ‚ėļ

Laptop ist kaput.

Posted in Uncategorized on November 2, 2017 by Tyrienne

…and writing via phone is annoying. You will see more words when I get the motivation/ability to replace said laptop. In the meantime… If I post, be kind regarding whatever autocorrection failures I miss in editing!

Who Will Defend the Village?

Posted in Justice, Uncategorized on March 31, 2015 by Tyrienne

Enemies had been spotted at sea and young Sven ran as quick as his legs would carry him to the village to rally all the people together to defend themselves.

There, he saw Olaf, dipping his genitals into paint and pressing them up against every house he could.

“Quick, Olaf! We need your spear- the village is going to be attacked!” exclaimed Sven.

“Sven….can’t you see that I am making a statement here? ¬†Without my genitals pressed against these walls, people will not know my displeasure at the thought of the village being invaded!”

Sven shook his head and ran further into the village where he met Ilse, the swordsmith.

“Oh, Sven… I would love to help defend the village- but you see, I need to lose an ENTIRE boulder’s worth of weight before I am fit to be seen outside the village by invaders!”

“But….you make swords…”

“Yeah, I make swords….but what is the point of holding a sword if I can’t look AMAZING doing it?”

Sven shook his head, and ran further in where he ran into Eske-

“ESKE!!!! You are the strongest man here! Please! Help me defend the village!”

“Stongest? ¬†No….you mean FATTEST! ¬†The invaders would laugh at me, I’ve seen their paintings and they don’t look as I do. ¬† Sorry, but I am too embarrassed by my size to help you- try someone better looking.”

So, frustrated, Sven went to Axel, the most beautiful man in the village….he was painting a picture of himself on a rock.

“Save the village? ¬†SAVE THE VILLAGE? ¬†Can’t you see that I’m busy? ¬†I’ve worked SO HARD to be this perfect that it is of utmost importance that I paint a picture of myself for the ages for other people to admire my physical perfection…besides, if I were to fight, I might get disfigured- then who would the people look to for inspiration?”

Time and time again, Sven went to each villager and begged them for their assistance in saving their home- and each time, he was met with superficial excuses regarding trivialities which each villager thought was more personally important. ¬†Whether it be debating other villagers on the finer points of village-defense (without lifting a single weapon), working to be better looking or strong-enough looking to be worthy of defending the village, or simply telling Sven “They didn’t feel like it”- Every adult had a reason why they could not defend the village, but some were kind enough to offer their sympathies.

“YOU FUCKING IDIOTS- CAN NOT YOU SEE THAT OUR VILLAGE IS ABOUT TO BE DESTROYED?!” Sven exclaimed in the center of the town.

An old man in the village replied “Oh, Sven…. your problem is that you aren’t focusing on the present moment! ¬†I don’t see any invaders… In my wisdom I have learned to live just for this moment, for there might not be another. ¬†Invaders might come, they might not…. you don’t know….”

“LOOK, YOU CAN SEE THEIR MASTS ON THE HORIZ-”

“Yeah, but they ain’t here yet!” said another , “I am busy making necklaces…. if I don’t finish them tonight they won’t be done in time for the next feast!”

“THERE WON’T BE ANYMORE FEASTING IF-”

“Well, I think that would be a great idea to not have feasts anymore,” replied Ilse, “Then, I wouldn’t gain anymore weight. ¬†How will I ever be fit to be seen enough to hold a sword unless I lose more weight?”

“JUST PICK UP YOUR DAMNED SWORDS YOU-”

“You just don’t understand what’s important, Sven… I am improving MYSELF… you are simply just trying to upset EVERYONE with your constant yelling. ¬†It’s really irritating.” said Axel. ¬†“There is nothing more noble than Self Improvement and the admiration of others!”

Defeated, Sven went to the woods where he saw the children playing with their wooden swords, and he asked them, “Would you like to be REAL warriors, children?”

All the children, boys and girls from youngest to almost teenager screamed in unison:

“YES! ¬†OH GODS YES!”

“Then follow me.”

So, Sven lead the children to the shore and inspected their weapons, encouraged them to fight on the beaches to their hearts content as he waited for the invaders. Fat or slender, beautiful or ugly, tall or small, all the children had a marvelous time waiting for the invaders.

When the leader of the hostile ships came to shore, Sven cried out to them in several languages until he found one to which the leader of the ships replied… “What is it you want, little man?”

“I want to tell you there is a village full of idiots over that hill, and the children and I would like to help you, join you in showing you where they keep all their food, since you are likely starving from your journey, ¬†and in exchange become real warriors by joining you rather than staying here surrounded by these boring people…. People might call you ‘invaders’, however, this village would never have the guts and initiative your people have shown by even reaching here. ¬†I think our children deserve better than what this village can offer them.”

The leader of the invaders looked confused, then remembered his children at home… and shrugged. ¬†Why not? ¬†Seemed like a fair exchange all things considered, and together, the invaders, Sven and all the children pillaged their entire village leaving the idiots homeless as they sailed off and had great adventures for the rest of their lives- Learning that living in cooperation with other people was so much more satisfying, educational, and fulfilling than all the silly “self-improvement” that the other villagers were so singularly focused on. ¬†The children had never had such kind adult attention before since all the adults of their old village were always “too busy” for them as well. ¬†They were much happier with their new people- and from those children, legends were made.

As for the village?  No one ever heard of them again except for countless paintings of genitals  found in the wreckage and a rock that bore some resemblance to some random guy.

The end.

/Check your priorities, stop taking selfies, and contribute something meaningful to humanity, damnit.

Growing up “Heathen” (As I experienced it)

Posted in About me, On the Gods, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2015 by Tyrienne
Commonly known as "Gar" to Heathenry, this symbol is found is both Pennsylvania Deitsche as well as Latvian folk arts.

Commonly known as “Gar” to Heathenry, this symbol is found is both Pennsylvania Deitsche as well as Latvian folk arts.

Hello cats and kittens, today I’m going to discuss the very confusing, convoluted, and strange life it was for me growing up in a clandestinely polytheistic European family from two ENTIRELY different traditional backgrounds; Lettish(Latvian) as well as Austrian/Pennsylvania Dutch (which I will spell and misspell in every possible way- and gave up on spell-checking every instance!) and attempt as well to create a compare/contrast between these two belief systems.

First off, please discard any ideas that my childhood was “ideal” in any manner- my mother was severely mentally ill with profoundly violent schizophrenia, which was entirely unmedicated needlessly complicating my religious upbringing further since I associated many of her beliefs and practices she observed as “Nothing I Want Any Part Of” even if they were legitimate, Latvian customs. This resulted self-limiting myself by distancing myself from Latvian culture- since I associated all things that involved my mother with severe abuse. ¬†Furthermore, despite her polytheistic upbringing she spent her time rather aimlessly “wandering” between New-Age and vague Christianity as it suited her psychosis at the time….that was further compounded by the unwillingness of her community to “teach” her. ¬†Unlike reconstructionism, traditional European polytheism seems to have some very exclusionary principles- as in “Why waste the time to teach someone who will either not “get it” or will simply fuck it up somehow?”

Be that as it may, ¬†I was fortunate that I was raised in a multi-generational household and in very close proximity to my extended family outside the home as well- including paternal grandparents and great grandparents since my Pennsylvania Dutch/Teutonic side tended to have children early in life (and frequently) until my grandparent’s generation. I was surrounded by second and third cousins from my grandfather’s seemingly infinity large family of Austrian/Deitsche descent. ¬†My Latvian side is simply my grandmother and uncle- and some very distantly related 3rd and 4th degree cousins I do not know.

Both my Uncle and Brother are agnostics with little interest in these things, I do not know my uncle’s story, but my brother missed out on time with now-deceased relatives which shaped my spirituality.

To continue- another thing worth noting is that the word “Heathen” is still seen as rather insulting in the family/social circles of both the Lettish as well as the Deitsche- which is a huge part of the resistance of many “traditional” families that I personally know and have befriended over the years. ¬†Partially, because cultures are agrarian in nature, mostly pacifists, and not Norsk. The Latvians/Lettish prefer to be called “Druids” in English- and the “Hidden Dutch” prefer to be left entirely alone, still…. to the detriment of creating a more complete picture of unbroken European polytheistic tradition.

There is good reason for this; basically, the strongest commonality both sides of my family share is a deep-seated fear and strong distrust of “outsiders” directly resulting from centuries of hiding and persecution. ¬†To save themselves as well as their respective cultures, the German Lutheran church provided sanctuary in exchange for the promise that all children would be baptized/confirmed, and monetary donations would be made regularly whether attendance occurred or not. ¬†It’s just how things were done. ¬†In college, I learned that the Moravian church did likewise in other locations. ¬† My old pastor, bless his heart, tolerated us, spoke fluent German, and “suffered” three generations of my German family poking metaphorical holes in his Bible and generally being as reluctantly “Lutheran” as a person can get. ¬†Starting from my father sitting me down with a Bible and showing me all the “cool” questions to ask; “Where are the ‘Great Sea Monsters’ mentioned in Genesis, they couldn’t have drowned in the flood, right!?” and my personal favorite was picking the absolute most inappropriate verses to read in church during confirmation classes. ¬†After my father and his best friend scraped their way through confirmation like mischievous Vaetirr, my choices of the “Sunday Reading” from the Bible were very strictly monitored and I had to submit several more than the other children after my dad’s best friend ALLEGEDLY ¬†read with great enthusiasm,¬†Ezekiel 23:20:

“… There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses….” etc.

Yeah, we didn’t get away with much past Pastor Reimet, he was chagrined by us, but he also had a sort of quirky sort of affection for our line. We kept him on his toes- and he just LOVED telling everyone how whenever my grandfather and father were in a service at the same time “Lightning struck the church.” (Totally not true, that only happened ONCE…maybe twice.) ¬†“Heathen” was meant as an insult…as in “Stop running in the choir loft, you little Heathens!”

When I complained about church, it was my Dad who said to me. “Look, without the Lutherans, none of us would be alive right now. ¬† ¬†When you’re finished with classes believe whatever you want. We’re polytheists anyway, seriously what is the harm of learning about one more god?”

Anyway, I have escaped myself- so, away from the church (at which I was dropped off- my parents had no interest in staying except during my mothers sporadic “Christian” phases where she could use Jesus as yet ANOTHER justification I was “evil”.)

Okay. Well, this post is going to suck to write- Looking at the tangled maze of teachings, secrecy, contradictions, and absolutely strange customs that I STILL don’t see in modern reconstructionism, there does not seem to be a linear way to “explain”, but I will do my best.

First major difference between how I was raised and reconstructionism: ¬†although the concept of Valhalla is known, the logistics of being in a place that is basically daily bloodshed is likely not appealing to peace loving, self-secluded, agrarian cultures when there is an understanding the afterlife is chosen by your belief system, mostly. ¬†However, that being said, “I’ll see you in Valhalla!” said in front of either culture will likely be met with a wince considering Valhalla is for warriors who die in battle, and even then, only under the special conditions of being “Chosen” just prior to the moment of death. ¬†If we go by technical research on concept of Valhalla, there would be less people from modern times chosen for Valhalla than Christian Heaven than in the more violent past from more war-inclined traditions.

Personal opinion? If you are Heathen, make your peace with Frau Holle/Hel(a)/Mara now rather than having to explain why you failed to do so in life.

Grandma from Latvia is still with us- and to her, Jesus was just “another” God, and since he was the one most people around her worshiped HER tradition entailed that if you pray for someone you pray to THEIR God(s), not your own- since “Our Gods might not know them”. ¬†Since my wedding, she has been completely “Out” about her paganism and has become very active in the Latvian spiritual community. ¬†Latvians, like Hindus have literally thousands of Gods- one for each species of flora and fauna. ¬†Even picking flowers, it is polite to thank the plant….and Latvia is more Vanic than Aesir, with Mara (A sort of Holle/Frigg figure) and Janis seeming to have “top spot” (Freyr, his name changed to “Janis” several hundred years ago to keep their primary summer festival “Jani” or “Janistag” by claiming St. John and Freyr are the “same” to nosy Christians.) ¬†The stories from her childhood are truly priceless- of the entire village running from German Lutheran missionaries into the woods when they came to baptize in one of the two local rivers- only to wait until they left to jump into OTHER river to “wash it off”. ¬† When I asked her about Loki, she concluded that he was the same as the Hearth-God Loke ¬†(also found in Finland), who blesses you with Luck if you keep your chimney clean, and fills the flu with dead squirrels if not.

There is something to that- my uncle pulled out six or seven of them one Yule….completely mummified. ¬†However, the Latvian word “Loki” means “onions”. Please do not confuse them if you happen to run into one of the VERY few left of this extraordinarily tiny ethnic group of Lettish Vanir-worshipping druids. ¬†Latvians are a very proud people.

The Latvians tradition I was raised in was pan-polytheistic, there is a “Big God” called “Dievs”- however, he doesn’t interact with humans much in the same way that humans are the host of millions of microscopic organisms that we have no awareness of. That is where the Latvian Pantheon comes in, called “Dievas”- in my family, they are our Ancestors who “stayed around” or plant/animal Gods who help us. The one’s she was most fond of are Janis (Freyr), Mara (Holle), Perkons (Donar/Thor), and Laima, a luck goddess with no close correlation I have found in Europe but I suppose could be rather like a “Northern Lakshmi”- with elements of child-protection as well. A great deal of emphasis is placed on “lucky” animals- particularly ladybugs, squirrels, toads and a magical snake with a crowned head. ¬†Killing any of these “special” animals would basically be very “unlucky”. (Er…disastrous, perhaps?) Different regions of Latvia had slightly different naming conventions as well as customs. ¬†My family was from the South West region, near the Lithuanian border.

Each ethnic group has it’s own traditional dress as well as customs. ¬†I know the costume for my region for women is a full length red velvet skirt, white shirt, white stockings, black shoes, and a stiffly beaded crown with a belt woven by hand of sacred symbols that are similar to SOME of the Futhark. ¬†Unmarried women wore their hair in braids, married women covered their hair when they went outside…a tradition Grandma still practiced when I was a child but seems to have discarded over time. ¬†My particular ancestry was known for having bright green eyes- which was considered both lucky and rare- my Latvian grandmother, my father, and I are the only people in our family still living I’ve seen with green eyes. ¬†Everyone else is either steel-blue, hazel, or brown on either side of my family.

Another tradition I still keep to this day is when I am told of a death of someone who touches either myself or a close friend, I do my best to uphold my responsibility to light a candle to “Light their way” to whatever afterlife they need to find- which, to Latvians has been describes as “Where it is always summer, but never too hot- beer flows like rivers, and you meet Janis.” ¬†However, death customs are complicated. ¬†Most of my childhood (on both sides) seems to have been spent in cemeteries caring for graves, planting flowers, and singing dirges in November as well as Summer in a language I could read out-loud but could not understand except for select words I recognized. (My brother I am reading this too, said “Like Strawberries! Zeminis”) ¬†Hauntings by deceased family are never seen as “bad”, it appears to me. ¬†Family members “wait” and watch after death and sometimes choose not to move on without their most beloved family members.

My grandfather I only know in real life as a headstone in a Latvian section of a cemetery on the Mainline suburb of Philadelphia, what I do know was he was a stern, intelligent man- multilingual, and had an affinity for Tyr. ¬†He spent a great deal of time in Germany, so I am uncertain if that affinity came from a Lettish “Tyr” I do not know or if he “Met Him in Germany”. ¬†Like me, however, he apparently spent a great deal of time studying and exploring other religious traditions.
He was fluent in the elder Futhark as well as the Latvian symbols.  To answer the unspoken question: Yes, I do personally believe my ancestors watch over me and interact when they feel they need to.

Vilanis/Vilanus (Likely spelled horribly incorrectly, but equivalent to Wotan- but “minor” rather than the lead), Latvian pagans say “God walks among men”- implying the Teutonic legend of Woten wandering with his two dogs/wolves (Latvian “dogs” tend towards the more “wolfish” breeds of husky-types and shepherds) ¬†as a beggar looking for kindness among His people. ¬†To feed and shelter him is to be given great luck, to turn him away has usually dire consequence. ¬†In some areas/countries, he is actually depicted as a permanent werewolf, half wolf/human hybrid, or simply a shapeshifter.

The thing with the Lettish deities is she honestly felt they were “left at home” when she left Latvia, believing there were other Gods indigenous to the US that “she does not know”. ¬†Thanks to the hard work of the Latvian Druids there is now a growing voice to the Lettish pagans courtesy of the work of Mr. M. Bisenieks, the husband of her best friend, Maya. ¬†It’s been three years, I STILL haven’t been able to connect with the man…but if you are reading this, please understand I am doing my best, sir.

The difficulty with the the Lettish traditions is several fold. ¬†First of all, our numbers were DECIMATED in WWII by Stalins regime which sent the majority of my ancestry to Siberia, of which, only one family returned. My grandmother was an only child and her father was a diplomat allowing for her immediate family to escape- the next day, the rest of those in her village were captured. ¬†She still relives the day she left, they made an agreement with Germany to give them the farm and livestock in exchange for asylum, with the promise after the war all would be returned to them. ¬†Despite her inability to really “click” with her horse and ride him without getting bitten- she still remembers him with his new German brand-mark coming to the fence as they walked by the last time and that she only had the time to pack one pair of shoes. ¬†She was 8 years old, and spent the entirety of the rest of her childhood and teenage years in what sounds like a rather well-appointed refugee camp that was entirely Latvian.

The Holocaust was not only in Germany- more people died in Russia under Stalin, and thousands of Japanese died in US internment camps as well. ¬† The silence on this issue is deafening; and public school with the innate biases in our textbooks created no end of trouble for me- outspoken and taught from BOTH sides that American news and history lies….even in the 1980’s-90’s before the current socio-political problems of misinformation. ¬† We had newspapers from Latvia, a Ham radio, and German news sources when we could get them. ¬†Further, since Latvia was part of the (now former) USSR, our phone lines were tapped and my grandma and her friends were constantly harassed and hassled much like those of Middle Eastern descent today in our country. History repeats.

Furthermore, in my youth there was a HUGE emphasis placed on blood quantum, at least in the area in which I lived. ¬†My father, despite being German, was treated very poorly by the Latvian community, as was my mother for “marrying outside”… my brother and I are “Half-bloods”. ¬† Latvian children were given the option of attending Latvian camp and school on weekends- which I avoided (due to the reasons stated earlier), my brother did not. ¬†The indigenous religions were not taught, but rather a focus on diplomacy and an emphasis on learning the language so we could “Go back” and “take back” the country from the Russian settlers who have since settled- three generations deep- into the farms of the Latvian diaspora. ¬†My family was unsuccessful in winning back Grandma’s farm after years of work between us and her cousin still “at Home”, sadly… yet on the other hand, how does displacing a Russian family who lives there now (and has lived there for 40+ years) help anything when we have roofs over our heads here?

Considering the dwindling numbers of our ethnic group, I have heard that things have become “warmer” towards people such as I- however, I personally have the feeling (true or simply perception) that my very public association with American Heathen reconstructionism may have created an unintentional rift- despite the fact that I have been asking for help through Grandma to have dinner with the Druids and be taught “properly” so I can better and more accurately relate the stories and integral pieces that unbroken Baltic spirituality brings to the global Heathen community. ¬†My Latvian religious background is a mishmash of my Grandma’s village traditions as well what little education I would accept as a child from Dzidra, a women who TERRIFIED Latvian youths simply by her strangeness, but yet, she also- Tante Dzidra was both our Witch and our Auntie. ¬†She was a nurse by profession, loving and dedicated in her own way ¬†to making sure we were “taught”- but a woman who keeps an ear-piercing gun and vaccination needles in her car is still a mixed blessing to a small child. ¬†Did I mention she was absolutely terrifying?

On her account as well as Maya’s, I was taught forms of Latvian divination, straight-deck card readings as well as the New Years tradition of pouring molten metal into cold water to hold the resulting shape against candle flame to intuit the future for the next year by the shadows cast upon a piece of paper on the table. ¬† I used the cards to make a name for myself as “The Youngest Psychic” reading at faires in Pennsylvania in my teenage years escaping my mother by having the faire organizers saying I was “helping out”. ¬†Either way, I came home with money and really cool minerals and crystals. ¬†I collected rocks (and still do) simply because it was the only thing I could possibly collect my mother couldn’t break or harm me with if they were small enough. ¬†Steal, absolutely…break? not so much.

So, basically, as a child I came to the conclusion that all Latvians were either assholes or completely insane. ¬†I have since revised this, of course- considering that a great deal of the experiences were tainted by the sheer violent nature of my mother. ¬†However, on the bright side EVERY Latvian (and the people we marry) get a SECOND birthday called a Name’s day- the wikipedia article is woefully inaccurate on this in that they claim it derives from Catholic influence- however, even in said article I found in their own definitions the origin detailed by wikipedia contradicts the established tradition of the non-Christian Saami peoples who also have small settlements in North West Latvia, in particular and the “Latvian” section removes all reference to religion whatsoever. ¬†I honestly have no idea why we have Names’ days…but hey! ¬†Second birthday, AWESOME!

On the other side of the family: ¬†my father- who fluctuates between staunch polytheism and “Broad ‘Pascal’s Wager'” semi-agnostic. ¬†Be that as it may, HE was the one who bought all the children’s books on German folklore and “mythology” for my bookshelf- told stories of Loki, Thor, and Odin (Loki, Donar, and Woten, correctly)… ¬†mostly of Loki/Thor, and rather enjoyed telling people he worshiped Loki while people couldn’t tell if he was serious or insane…

But Dad, well, he always liked to keep people guessing regarding that issue.

He also bought books on other European mythos such as “Bullfinch’s Greek Mythology” and my mother had a strange obsession with folktales and fairytales retold in Harlequin fashion. ¬†I got no end of beatings for “stealing” my mother’s books- but honestly, even at age 12 I realized “stealing” a book that is literally 3 feet from my own bedroom is a ludicrous concept.
My father is a great person, but he loves nothing more than to “test” and confuse acquaintances. ¬†Along with Lokeanism, we also had the now great Discordian texts of ¬†“Condensed Chaos”, and “Flatland”. ¬†Science was revered to him and seen as non-adversarial to his personal spirituality- and his talents lie with making machinery and broken technologies “work” with a MacGyver-esque flair. ¬†His sledge hammer is called “Mjollnir”, and he had activities he called “Taunting Thor” meaning climbing large, metal objects in the most stormy conditions simply out of annoyance if we lost a shingle or even if it was simply that our satellite dish was “off” preventing him from watching the Sci-fi channel. ¬†If I had to define him by a modern label- it would be “Braucher-raised techno-mage.” ¬†As to my childhood, by tradition, since my mother was impregnated by him, he felt obligated to marry her to “do the right thing”. ¬†He lived with her for 20+ years in complete misery, but he worked a great deal of overtime to support her and my brother and I- leaving him in the dark regarding my mother’s increasing unpredictability and violence, now without the protective shelter of my extended family since we moved over an hour from any other relatives when I was 12 years old.

Not my entire family is Heathen- ¬†my father’s dad is dead silent regarding religion. ¬†His grandmother he described as “A terrifying Austrian witch who wore nothing but black and purple and had hair down to her ankles.” ¬†I never could get more out of him than that, and in religious conversation, he is silent.

My Nana (Dad’s mom) believes in “Folkcraft”, and despite repeated attempts to convince her to please write down all the old traditions of our family of Hildebrandts, she has adamantly refused. ¬†In my early years she was my absolute favorite relative and really enjoyed her telling me the history of my “unbroken” Braucher line. ¬†Unlike most Braucherei/Hexerei I have met, traditions were passed from women to their daughters. ¬†When my Nana had two sons only, the line was “technically” broken. ¬†However, I do have a female second cousin our section of the family is estranged from who enjoyed many, many more years with my Great-Grandma, Nana Gloria. ¬†Her family were Hildebrandts who were Hexers with the only affiliation with the “Bible” I have been able to discern concretely is entirely reduced to the “Seven books of Moses”- a text used in Brauchei/Hexerei rituals. ¬† ¬† ¬†My Nana is cagey- and repeatedly, I have seriously pissed her off by being “Public”- which is likely part of the current rift between us. ¬†To her, our traditions are “family only” and that our personal family tradition with the “English” (Non- Deitsche) was to mislead them with misinformation. ¬†As a child, it was apparently a fun game for her elder’s used to play to see what sort of crazy bullshit they could make the “English” researchers believe we practice in our folk medicine.

In reality, most of it was common sense, herbal, and used a great deal of metaphor. ¬†Taking down pictures of family members and storing them reversed as well as sweeping the house after doing so was a sign of absolute displeasure just short of shunning if not outright rejection. My Nana’s mother, Nana Gloria was an expert at making cars break down of people who pissed her off. ¬†She would say, “Just tell the tires to go flat if they cut you off.” I was probably 6. ¬†I guess she figured she wouldn’t live long enough to see me drive…and sadly, she did not.

Again, with the Germans, even MORE time was spent in cemeteries. ¬†In line with common Urglaawe belief, we believed on THAT side of the family that each new child born into the family held the spirit of one deceased… hence, all of us were named after dead family members in our middle names. ¬†My brother was properly named. ¬†I was named after a sociopathic great-grandmother on my Latvian mother’s side who likely strongly contributed to her mental illnesses. ¬†I legally changed the entirety of my name as soon as I could in my 20’s.

That side of the family shares the same belief as the Latvians that our dearly departed “stay” if they choose to guard as well as guide the family. ¬†Dreams of dead relatives are VERY important to us, and despite my Dad’s occasionally fluid beliefs, he still is the first person I go to when I dream of the dead from his side of the family. ¬†Great-Grandma Helena only comes in dreams to complain about 3rd cousins I hardly met, Pop-pop George usually plays pranks on people being assholes to Dad and I in “hauntings”, and Pop, Great-grandma Helena’s husband makes entire houses fill with tobacco smoke despite being a family that is anti-tobacco after Pop-Walter died of lung disease when my father was a child. ¬†Pop Walter was also Deitsche- thrifty, and believed STRONGLY in giving away that which he had no longer use for (as well as the objects owned by others in his household, much to their chagrin). ¬† I didn’t realize until I wrote this that I am the only other person in my family who also jettisons material goods at random to friends and charity spontaneously if I know others can put the items to better use/need more than I.

Corporal punishment of children on my Latvian side was tolerated in our family tradition, however, the German side (German is just SO much easier to spell) placed special love and value on children and punishments were usually chores rather than the futile “Go to your room” or beatings. ¬†My Latvian grandma would only hit if I hit someone else- however, she was beaten severely as was my mother by her mother with birch switches. My mother didn’t have such patience- usually beating me was with whatever object was closest at hand. ¬† Nana Helena would just shake her head at misbehavior- the only “intolerable” thing among us children (me and my seemingly endless amount of 2nd and 3rd cousins) was long hair on men and beards. ¬†She HATED that. ¬† Oddly enough, she was also the only person who was devoutly Catholic in my family which SHE kept secret from all of us until after her death when we found a well-used rosary hidden in a box of greeting cards and my father asked the Priest at the Cathedral across the street to find out she was “sneaking out” to mass. ¬†Considering the polytheistic nature of the countless saints and angels, I do not find any contradiction between a devout Catholic and Polytheism except in semantics. ¬†I held onto her rosary until I moved back Reading, Pennsylvania- near to where she is buried where my father and I buried it under her headstone and planted roses to fill the hole. ¬†The grave of Pop Howard and Nana Helena are absolutely covered with flowers and decorations from my extended family to this day despite her passing in 1995. ¬†It meant a lot to me to add to the “collection”. (unless Nana, Dad’s mom, removed my roses out of spite by now. ūüė¶ )

Punishments from Grandma were more German than those I received from my mother. ¬† My home life was violent, so my fathers side was too busy attempting to save/protect me from my mother’s wrath for punishment, my Latvian grandma worked as did my father except for two wonderful years he was self-employed repairing electronics as my mother worked. ¬†I believe I recall only being yelled at ONCE as a child by my father’s parents for using the couch as a tightrope.

At this current point in time, I am trying my very hardest to reconnect the pieces- I have reached out to my estranged extended family on my fathers side only to find rejection that is not personal, but rather derived from the actions of my grandparents that have harmed them (perceived or real harm- I cannot say, I was not there.) ¬† The same problem exists on the Latvian side. ¬†For my safety, I am estranged from my mother and she holds the “upper-hand” in being able to speak fluent Latvian making going to the Philadelphia Latvian club literally dangerous to me. ¬†Again, if any Latvians are reading this: ¬†You know my mother, I know you understand my predicament. ¬†Please reach out to me- Grandma is 83 and every day is a gift, and I fear if I lose her I will lose this tenuous connection that connects “The Earth Religion” of my ancestors to help correct and shape modern Heathenry and dispel the mythology that we NEED to be “Reconstructed” while thousands of families in the US and Europe live in unbroken tradition that fall under the blanket of “Heathenry”. ¬†Some may not like the word, but words are the only thing that people understand in how to categorize their beliefs.

I honestly find American Heathenry confusing in that regard- how I was raised, I am not Scandinavian, we didn’t have Sumbel, and we only had Toasts on the Latvian side when guests came to visit and very large dinners on both sides. ¬†(The food was better with the Pennsylvania Dutch by far…) ¬†We did not pray- we believed on BOTH sides “gifts” were meant to be greeted with a “Thank you”- and to try to solve one’s own problems. ¬†We believe in self-reliance. ¬†Latvian Grandma still TRIES to shovel before the neighbors stop her… her Latvian customs have spread to her typical suburban Philadelphia neighborhood where everyone on her side of the street is “family” and they all look out for one another- meaning usually the closest man with a snow blower comes to save her the trouble- or at worst, my Uncle gets called by my “Aunt” Jan, Grandma’s next door neighbor, until he arrives from a neighboring suburb with his shovel….sometimes multiple times if the weather conditions are particularly poor. ¬†I live over 2 hours away, but when I lived closer for a year, I came over weekly to help him in caring for her house by mowing, weedwacking, shovelling, etc…

Growing up, it felt like I had dozens of Aunts and Uncles- most of them were actually unrelated to me…but some I still keep in touch with if I have the ability…. and I am happy to see that “modern” Heathenry has adopted a modified form of this custom in Frith and Fellowship.

In BOTH traditions, religion where you “go to church” is more social than anything- true religion is found in daily life and in our productivity- whether it be working, repairing, or study. ¬†“Studying” is valued by the Latvian side- but my Deitsche grandparents are vehemently angry that I am on disability and no matter how much of my time is spent in study or helping others by running online support groups, clergy work, or sheer volume of anonymous writings I contribute online regarding Heathenry answering what questions I can and feeling like an overwhelmed air-traffic controller at times “matching” Heathens with those who can give them the information and communities that will help them best.

In conclusion, this is where I come from- feel free to ask any questions you like in the comment section below.

Restarting.

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods, Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 24, 2015 by Tyrienne
I'm back- and about to lay some "hard truth" again. If you are going to comment, please be constructive. "Die Lokean Scum" is not particularly helpful, especially since I'm ACTUALLY Tyrian "scum".  Thank you.

I’m back- and about to lay some “hard truth” again.
If you are going to comment, please be constructive.
“Die Lokean Scum” is not particularly helpful, especially since I’m ACTUALLY “Tyrian Scum”…who also happens to Honor Loki and the rest of our Ancestral Gods as well without exclusion as well as a few from other pantheons as well. (Hey, I’m a polytheist, it’s not THAT uncommon)

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who has read this blog in its inactivity. ¬†I thought I was going to “leave it alone” as-is in it’s present state, and even attempted to start a new blog but I could never find the inspiration to actually use it to express myself.

Imagine my surprise when after months of ignoring this blog only to find I had over 18k views and over 100 followers. I think instead of starting new, perhaps, I shouldn’t dismiss this gift given to me by all of you by your encouragement and support.

In any case, although I have been inactive in the “blogosphere” (is that the correct term?) I have still been incredibly active in international Heathenry, making new connections and friends, discovering more about the history of my ancestry as well as getting in touch with my Urglaawe roots (Which my Dad’s family insists on calling “Folkcraft”- no other term accepted. Period.) As well as spending as much time as possible with my now publicly pagan Latvian grandma who has been translating as many books as possible for my husband and I on “The Old/Earth Religion”. (roughly translated)

So, today I spent the better part of an afternoon speaking to a Pennsylvania Deitsche historian regarding our folklore and trends within the greater Heathen community, and I realized that if I fail to use every resource given to me to help improve the image of Heathenry to the general population then I am pretty much a complete asshole if I neglect to do all that I can to do so.

So. Hi. I’m back.

Anyway, what I really NEED to say is that there are some severe problems I am observing in the American community in particular that need to be addressed while they are still simply “seeds” that can turn into a sort of poisonous Kudzu that will strangle us all and make us no different than any other major religion, namely, a socio-political dogmatic mess of contradictory and (and potentially harmful) beliefs and ideals held with good intentions but with dire consequence.

First: Those who claim to “Know everything they need to know about the Gods” and teach others are the very LAST people who should be in the position to be mentors to those called by our Gods and Ancestors. The minute a person stops seeking knowledge, stops asking questions, and proclaims themselves “Authority”- Please do not trust them. Real teachers are humble, they will not charge you a penny. Our ways of our clergy are not the same as the ways of other religions. Traditionally speaking, the role of a Heathen clergy person (Braucher, Hexer, Chieftain, Goethe, or Gythia) is seen as a great privilege and needs no physical monetary reward…but asking them to stay for a meal is considered polite/honorable. (However, I will also temper this statement by stating this is purely from my personal upbringing being raised heathen under two separate cultures: Baltic and Teutonic….other traditions, your mileage may vary).

Second: It must be understood that despite what YOU, the reader personally believe regarding Heathenry in your personal practices, there is a growing danger that we are finding ourselves increasingly defined by people OUTSIDE of Heathenry, and not only that, we are being defined by the worst, most negative people in under the mantel of “Heathenry”. What I mean to say is that as Heathenry grows in it’s myriad (heh) of forms, that the public perception of the Heathen/Asatru growth is being increasingly linked to some truly terrible ideologies that damage both the credibility of Heathenry as well as “push away” people who need it the most, which brings me to…

Third: We are being WRONGLY and WOEFULLY judged not by our best- who are generally quiet, humble people- but by our extremists. What I mean by extremists are those on BOTH sides of Extremism- Neo-Nazi’s as well as those who are so terrified of being “lumped in” with Neo-nazi’s that there are ENTIRE organizations that have formed both inside and outside of Heathenry that have become militantly destructive- going as far as to “profile” individuals based on their facebook friends and even their “likes”, and there have been INCREASING instances of people from BOTH sets of extremism actually seeking out the personal information of their “targets” and harassing them at their homes and workplaces. I don’t care who you are- that is unfrithful regardless- If you disagree with others, there are more mature ways to handle disagreements in ideology. Understanding that a everyone’s journey in life changes BY THEIR OWN VOLITION ALONE is the first step to stopping extremism, stalking, and this frightening new development.

FOURTH: Heathenry, like every other form of religion or spiritual belief system, has several different “denominations”- If you are having trouble finding one in your area that matches your personal beliefs, Please write to me (renalexanders@gmail.com) and I use what connections and resource I have been fortunate enough to come across to connect you to people of similar mindset. Even despite my disagreements with certain National organizations, it may surprise many people to know that I “sort” people as I meet them to figure out which “denomination” will have the most like-minded spirits to help them grow. I have given out contact information for both the AFA and the Troth despite being a member of neither (and in the former, I ALWAYS say, “Don’t mention me as your source- just say you forgot my name!) As well as directing people to scholars abroad who are specialists in things that are uncommon here, such a Jotunr worship.

Since I don’t like the number four very much, I guess I’ll have to come up with:

Fifth: If you are personally a Heathen of some experience, WITHHOLDING information to make yourself feel “superior” is unethical. We do not have “sacred mysteries”- ALL of Heathenry should be UNITED by the desire to personally connect with Our Gods, Ancestors, and the natural world around us as well as to help others. No legitimate Heathen tradition should EVER respond to your questions with:

“I will tell you when *I* believe you are ready.”

NO. This means they are NOT ready for YOU. All information/knowledge/UPG should be freely shared if the person who is willing to share places themselves into a position where they STATE do not mind being approached. (Some people are private, also respect that as well, bitte.) ¬†Like any other spiritual path, please beware of false teachers or heathen psuedo-gurus. Your best teachers are the Gods themselves… and only secondly comes anyone from humankind. Anything that takes you away from your personal “connection” to the Gods is likely unhealthy- however, be that as it may, be prepared to keep an open mind and allow your perceptions to BE challenged by reading profusely, talking to as many people on as many different paths as possible, and learning every facet of this culture and religion. No one should “Tell” you what to believe about the Gods- You are not a slave nor sheep…. take in all information and use your own heart and mind to discern what is YOUR personal truth.

I apologize for my irresponsibility, and like always- I cannot guarantee I will post often. The reason for this is I do not believe in writing “just for the sake of writing”. As evidenced by the consistent traffic on this “dead” blog, I believe it is better to wait until I have something worth expressing then to “force” myself to write when nothing moves me to do so….so far, it seems to have worked for me.

As the return of open worship of the Gods of Europe are creating greater ripples throughout the world at this time- I also need to express my sincere apologies to those who I have in the past derided for finding Heathenry(or Asatru) via Marvel movies… I have been royally “smacked” by the reality that it is better begin from benign fictions to serve as a “doorway” for those new to Heathenry into fulfilling spiritual practice than it ever is to convince a “prison-programmed” Aryan Nation recruit into being open-minded. This is not to say it can’t be done (it has, and there actually is a Heathen prison outreach program to help with this very thing!) I am just saying it is more difficult!

So, in closing, I ask you, my subscribers and those who stumble upon this blog a simple request: Please, if you have been given the ability to influence those around you, please do not shun or hide from it- We are creating the future of Heathenry by our actions, and “Hospitality” is one of the nine virtues for all you Asatuar out there!

Again, I thank you for all the kind comments I have received in these several months encouraging me to reopen this blog…. but then again, where is a better place than a blog called “Hail Loki” to share the uncomfortable truths of which ALL Heathens/Asatru should be mindful? Is that not what Loki represents ūüėČ

Time Theory, Heathenry, and Past Suffering

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2013 by Tyrienne

AA036979Of all the religions I have come into contact with during the course of my studies, to me, Buddhism is the most incomprehensible and at opposition with my beliefs and experience.¬† Please, don’t take this to mean I hate Buddhists, quite the opposite, I married a Shaolin monk for Christ’s sake- and I have been fortunate enough to meet many excellent Buddhist (or half Buddhists) over the years that have shown me the religion itself may actually be more full of kind, considerate people than any other… my favorite advisor in college was half Buddhist as well, and often, he was the best person to speak to when everything in my life was crashing down around me.¬† Buddhism is the belief there is no moment except for the present moment- the past is a memory, the future can only be inferred.¬† By living in the present moment we free ourselves from attachment to both the pains and joys of the past and also of anticipation for the future, striving, instead, to live within the present moment
One of those things that haunts me is my physical knowledge of time theory.  Picture a train, if you will- you are standing in front of one window of that train so you can see within the cabin- because you entire view of the train is limited to just seeing inside one window of the cabin, you can neither see the engine nor the caboose.
However, I want you now to picture a mountain, at the bottom of this mountain is the same train- only now from your vantage point you not only can see the train, but all the tracks, the surrounding countryside, and the entire route of the object from beginning to end.   This is time theory.  The idea that time is not linear, but rather all existent in one plane all at once (the 4th dimension) however, we can only perceive the smallest portion of it due to the lack of our perception.  However, even in the analogy of the train we find that we are dealing with two forms of perception-  Grand (Macro) or vague perception, and small (Micro) or specific perception.  From the top of the mountain, we cannot see within the cabin of the train without limit our perception of the rest of reality with a set of binoculars, nor can we perceive from the base of the mountain at the train station without similar means.

To me, this is why Sufism is such an intellectually accessible religion; in Sufism, instead of a train we have a book- some grand book that encompasses all that ever was and is to be, however, we live page by page and do not get to see this book until, MAYBE, our deaths should we have lived our lives in accordance to certain humane principles and ideals such as honesty, hospitality, charity, prayer, fasting, pilgrimage, etc.¬†¬† Instead of the “Now” centeredness of Buddhism, in Sufism, we have focus on the future, and that all deeds performed in the present are entirely in preparation for some perhaps unattainable future goal.

Heathenism, surprisingly enough, appears to be unique in lacking a present focus in favor of both past and future- our rituals are focused on the values and accomplishments of our ancestors, where our deeds are meant to sow the seeds for the future- making us rather cross-eyed in the present as an entirety of a people.¬†¬† This makes perfect sense to me, having PTSD because I feel the affects of the actions of myself and others from the past vividly daily in the form of flashbacks; however, I also strive to live a pure and honorable life in the present- which is actually made easier by being Lokean/Tyrian rather than more difficult because both my nature of being Lokean and my Tyrian ethics keep my circle of people I interact with commonly small either out of fear of me or by my repulsion of them.¬†¬† I love Heathenry because there is no credo of accepting “everyone” there are people who are not worthy of my time or presence, and also, there are people who receive no benefit from my existence either.¬†¬† This truth is missing from other world religions- this is not to say to be inhospitable- far from that, however, after introductions are made and the nature of the person is assessed; we are given the choice to either continue to allow them to affect our wyrd or orlogg (which I will spell every imaginable way in this post) or to avoid them.¬†¬† 9 out of 10 times my choice is avoidance- humans lie, they cheat, they abuse others and they do not care about the consequences of their selfishness- they intentionally inflict pain and act with cruelty then justify their actions by claiming to be part of some sub culture or another, or worse, their Godly nature allows for certain breaches.¬†¬† In my case, the pain and damage I cause is by being a truth-teller…. not exactly the sort of person you want at your parties, and worse, I am a truth teller with a selective memory so that whatever is unimportant falls through like a sieve where the things that “stick” nag at me for months until they are released via this blog into the open so I can remove the metaphorical itching of witnessing the pains caused by others- how they can act in ways I personally find appalling and would never commit myself and yet, people avoid that elephant in the room with our still-puritanical politeness of decades of Christian indoctrination into our American culture.

Until “Hey, you’re an asshole.” is as acceptable now as it was back in some indeterminate ancestral halcyon time we all seem to claim- the Lokean and the Tyrians will continue to be the least desirable among all Heathens to share a horn with- Lokean truth is seen as disruptive- and outside of leadership roles, the judgements of those who follow Tyr come across as overly harsh an insensitive- if not Neanderthalic in black/white reasoning of what constitutes the good and the bad- the line is clear.¬†¬†¬† (Which should be to be expected considering records of Tyr predate records of Woten by at least 6000 years, according to Wikipedia)¬† With Tyr, the line is clear- cheating is always “bad”, whereas being initially hospitable to all people upon first meeting them is “good” until they are proven unworthy of it…should they prove unworthy, they are to be avoided until sufficient progress is made on the part of the offending party to make amends; but more often then not- the severing of ties is permanent- for the more you beg, the more pathetic and useless you are viewed so reconciliation cannot be “bought”; but must be proven by inherent worth to the community at large to once again regain favor…if then. ¬† (Anton LeVay and Tyr would have an interesting relationship, for instance- for where their ideologies meet- they meet exactly, but where they differ, there could not be more extreme differences in point of view….worth a different post, perhaps)

So, anyway back to time theory.¬† So here we have the proof of physicist and philosophers that time is merely an a-priori perception of the mind, that we cannot see more than three pieces of the puzzle called “life” at a time, and those pieces we have labeled our “past, present, and future”.¬† The Buddhist is to sit on the piece that is “present” and ignore all else; the Sufi is to discard the past, use the present, keep their eyes on the future for a pleasant afterlife (all monotheistic faiths are similar in this regard), and the Heathen falls into the the trap of ignoring the present moment being stuck with one foot in the past and the other focused on the future- lending ourselves to a faith that is overall confused on a National and International level as those who favor the past are called “Folkish” and those who look forwards almost to the exclusion of the past are labeled “Universalists”¬† However, in both sets of Heathen practice we find that it is commonly believed that our present actions, especially during sumbel/blot/ritual are timeless and can positively affect the luck/wyrd/oorlog of the past and that of our ancestors by how well we live our lives this moment.

If I were to take my troubled mind out of the equation of my life, I lead an exceptionally blessed existence,¬† I have a handsome and loving husband, I not only do not have to work, but I am not permitted to on account of illness, I am free, I am well provided for, have companionship of good animals and people- and even a few reliable, honorable family members I can relate to.¬† However, my mental condition consistently traps me in past experiences and hurts me relentlessly- I am not haunted so much by things I did or did not do-thankfully, I live a life with few regrets, however, I am haunted by lack of proper foresight in those past situations that allowed for my life to spin wildly out of control as I could not step out of the way in time of the train bearing down on the tracks.¬† Metaphorically speaking, I have been hit by several trains-¬† lesson learned is to stop playing on the tracks- which, for the most part I have.¬† If “playing on the the tracks” is interacting with unstable people, then after 31 years of experience, I have finally learned to determine that everyone is unstable to a degree and that the only people worth interacting with are the ones who can fully embrace their own madness with honesty-(throw decorum out the window, please.)¬†¬† The harder we strive to hide our inner chaos and madness, the harder it bears down upon us and those in our lives- to the point at which some people will even sacrifice innocent peoples lives and reputations to maintain their own facades of dignity and faux-decorum.¬† This is called gas-lighting, and is often employed by narcissists and sociopaths.¬† Be very, very careful about the person who desires recognition, fame, money, or achievement- often, that is indicative of a sickness that can drown and maim even the strongest of men around them; in the pursuit of such meaningless accomplishments or feats- integrity and honor often fall by the wayside as other needs are not met and vices are procured to fulfill the inner emptyness that a life set on these things creates.¬† The vacuum of loss of friends as time is devoted to putting resources together to appear more impressive in exchange for false friends who only serve to boost the ego- making those who speak of moderation into the enemy.¬†¬† I abhor the person who seeks grandeur for its own sake- but love the quietness of the footsteps of the person who achieves notoriety for doing good deeds for their own sake without any desire for recognition.

I write a great deal, I think, but I don’t make money off of this blog-¬† I do it as part of an oath I made with Tyr and by extension Loki to prove that Loki and Lokeans are human beings, not to be categorized and dismissed out of hand- just as Loki is not to be dismissed out of hand. In this journal I have shared and will continue to share my personal experiences publicly- I have nothing to hide.¬† I will show my prejudices- my strengths, and my short comings- but as time passes, my “public” experience of the community becomes less as I draw my shades and focus more exclusively my own life and that of my husband.¬† When I began this blog, I was very much “in” the community and a consistent attender of events all over- but now, I am much more content to stay home more days often than not and enjoy the company of my new husband.¬† Some places have rejected us, other places we have rejected- and honestly- it’s about 50/50 as to which is which- even still, we have more invitations than we expect between the two of us, and I have more reception to this blog than I anticipated.¬† However, Tyr never gave me a timeline here so I have no idea if this is a “forever” thing or if one day I get to ditch this format in favor of a new chapter with a different URL where I just get to go back to simple, personal journalism once more…where I am not intentionally putting the gross details of my life out there for everyone to see.

So, anyway- the solution I have found to my present dilemma came from therapy, I am involved in something called EMDR where I am supposed to remove the emotions from the negative memories and be able to contain them away from my psyche- the only possible way this can be accomplished for me (and apparently, for most with my condition) is to focus on the living conditions of the present moment rather than the traumatic episodes of the past.   In my case, I spend a great deal of time focusing on the time I get to share with Eddie.  From the view of time theory, and from Heathenry, the reason why my life is so good at this present moment is BECAUSE I have already paid the price for it with my past.   Ed found me through another journal I used to write, and without writing we would not have our marriage.  Without keeping record online of everything I have experienced from my life in Spain to College to my poetry- I would have no record of my past except for negative memories.  However, if I take a more Buddhist approach and focus entirely on the ethic of the present moment, then I realize the need for productiveness and the sharing of my personal revelations.

Without writing, I would feel much more guilty about having such an easy life now-¬† I would feel more lonely, and I would feel purposeless.¬† If not a single person reads this blog but my husband- I am fine with that.¬†¬† However, since I know that is not the case let me tie all the loose ends together into a format that makes this coherent to the rest of those who read my rambling thoughts…

PTSD- (Tyr is likely the God most accustomed to it outside the Rokkr), forces one to live in the past-¬† however, the past is not detached from the present or future.¬† The “present” is simply a term for the point of view or perspective we hold on our lives at the present moment, or what “eyes” we use to view our lives-¬† are we viewing remotely or intimately?¬† Do we look at the greater picture or the minute details of our daily experiences, (if we pay attention to our daily experiences at all…?)

The view from the mountain is lovely, but we miss detail- and although the details of the train are captivating, if we are standing on the tracks to look in the window of one train, anticipating boarding it, we risk being run down by another on a faster track if we do not watch where we place our feet.

The solution is mindfulness- the ability to live, right now, and in the present- to not focus on anticipation or to dwell in regrets OR past glory.   If life is good RIGHT NOW- then it is fair to say you earned the right to that goodness.   If your life RIGHT NOW is chaos, then it is fair to say that you have been negligent and the sum of that negligence is insecurity.   When I look at the times of my life when things were at their worst, it has meant one of two things:

1. This is only a test- make it through this and things will get better.
2. I have ignored all the warning signs and gone “my own way” despite the advice of those wiser than I, leading me into untenable situations…. to get out, I need to extract myself carefully, live ethically, and all will be okay in the eventual future.

Whether or not I am “Okay” at this time is dependent on my state of mind; always, I am materialistically okay; but I have been homeless, lived in an unfinished concrete and drywall room with nothing more than a spare lightbulb- or by the charity of strangers for food and the roof over my head.¬†¬† I got through those times by a great deal of prayer, sacrifice (including my entire altar to a lake at one point- 15 years of my life- given to four cardinal directions of water)¬† It took patience, it took waiting. suffering, and asking for help, even when asking for help meant becoming estranged from those I cared for (who, I had to accept, were NOT helping).¬† It was a matter of putting aside my pride and TALKING both in writing and out loud about what was happening and had happened…. realizing that as long as I use my voice, as long as there is a record of my thoughts and my writings, then it’s a lot easier to clear up misunderstandings, and MUCH harder for people to lie about who I am and where I stand for their own personal gain.

Writing in journals like this has saved my life, my degrees, and my reputation in some regards- everything I write is honest to the best of my perceptions, and keeping records of what I have thought, said, and believed shows a progression.  No one person is supposed to stay stagnant, and, ideally, my favorite people are the ones who admit to striving to learn something new, experience something new, or do something to further their intellectual and spiritual growth daily- even if it just means watching a movie they have never seen before on Netflix or taking a new way home from work.

Time theory at one time lead me to an institution for 10 days, because my life was so fucked up I couldn’t understand why and how if there is no “reality of serial time” that I could suffer so miserably at that moment.¬†¬† I suffered because either I was either not living in the present and mourning the past too acutely, or that I could not see the larger picture that time had to offer- the Heathen way- that perhaps I brought it on myself by not being as Tyrian (honest) as I should have been, and in lying to save another person, I had ruined my own Wyrd for that moment.

My life improved when I stopped trying so hard to protect a man not worth my protection, by bringing Tyr’s influence back into my life into a place of prominence where I could once again claim with honesty I was no liar.¬† It involved a great deal of pain; and still, my honesty causes me loss of friends- however, I have lived the other way. I have lied for who I thought was a friend and almost lost my literal life over it….by placing the needs of a narcissist above my own without the consciousness of realizing I was doing so.¬† I was told by Loki to protect my professor, and I did.¬† I saved his life by speaking up and preventing him from being assassinated in Turkey.¬† My responsibility was not to lie for him to cover up why he was not properly doing his job, nor was it to lie to make him appear better than me and disgracing myself in favor of his reputation when he was the one who was behind on our joint work, not I.

Should I have listened to my inner instincts, I would have known lying at all is never the correct solution to anything at all- and even with the best of intentions, one lie can damage the Wyrd severely.

Kant was wrong in that regard, bad actions with good intentions still lead to ultimately negative outcomes.  Furthermore, there is no such thing as a negative intention- there is reactionary intentions, sure.  But few set out intentionally to cause harm without reason or purpose.  With that being said, if the action is good, the result will likely follow to be good as well.

Be productive
Be Honest
Live in the present
See life from both the micro and macro perspectives
Be frithful
and be grateful and happy for what you have been blessed with.

…and if you can’t bear to raise the horn to Loki- raise it to Woten.¬† Loki gets some of that honor anyway.
…and if you cannot raise the horn to Tyr in good conscious, realize you fucked up massively in life and need to do some serious self assessment.
ūüôā

Hail!

Three Tiers: Wedding plans

Posted in About me, Justice, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2013 by Tyrienne

Adriaen van Utrecht | Vanitas Still-Life with a Bouquet and a Skull

Warning: This blog post is likely longer and more boring than most I have written up until this point.  Real life often is.

After what felt like an hour of scrubbing, I have almost removed all that remains of the surgical tape that attached a heart monitor to me for 24 hours.¬† Man, that sucked-¬† however, I get to “enjoy” this ritual all over again tomorrow after my stress test on the treadmill.¬† More tape, more monitors….followed by my very first appointment with a real internist in several years where I get to drop a lifetime of medical history and subsequent legal paperwork on the poor soul to fill out on the first day I ever lay eyes on him.¬† La-de-da.

These are the hoops to jump through to get a single pill/surgery/whatever that will get my pulse from that of a hummingbird to a human…and yet, blood pressure remains corpse-like.¬†¬† It’s been awkward; I have several specialists, but have not had an official “doctor” coordinating everything like most people in years.¬† So, instead of sending all the results in advance-I thought it would be wise to meet with the man first before he receives an onslaught of results from dozens of tests from all over Pennsylvania from every known type of specialist.

I have not met him, but I sincerely hope he is nice, intelligent, and has a sense of humour.¬†¬† I was told he does have experience with cases like me-¬† however, most cases “like me” don’t usually have one day every few weeks of unusual competence nor steady spousal support resulting in remaining “on top” of the pile of endless tests, justifications, and prescriptions required to keep further deterioration at a minimum.¬† That, and I have religion¬† which allows for plenty of Deus ex Machina to cover me when I am barely treading water.

Good thing our last ritual was to healing Goddesses… Hail Mengloth and Eir, right? ūüôā

So, it’s been an excitingly frustrating 7 days-
On the bright side, I was allowed to keep the “Time” magazine from the phlebotomy office at Quest Diagnostic which had the article on the second man to teach me Sufism via his students, as “One of the World’s 100 most influential people.”¬† This is the same man who taught me that any person who demands your respect deserves it the least. I was awestruck- and now have an answer for the wishful yoga “Guru” (Capital “G”, yo’.) who wanted my supplication and obedience to his ridiculous and under-researched take on Hinduism since he “sat at the feet of the wisest yogi’s on the planet…”

Krishna is NOT a pacifist.¬† I suggest the Bhagavad Gita as a resource considering the majority of the text refers to Krishna addressing his friend, Arjuna about the necessity of war.¬† I learned that in college from many religion courses… not from some mansion-living asshole wearing a burlap sack and ripping off rich Americans with more money than sense, and not enough book readin’ to know better.

Okay, asshat- My teacher was in “Time” magazine….was yours, Mr. Abusive, anorexic, autistic, paranoid, no-degree, vegan, pretentious, parent-funded jackass? ūüôā

Also= I’m not a Hindu.,

(The urge to contact this character to say: “Bow to me, lowly peon…!”¬† exists, but just the satisfaction of this information is more than enough to humour me)

Our personal practices have become more interesting in the past few weeks as we seem to escape any and all boundaries or commonality with what people expect of us. ¬† We have become frustrated that the most exciting things in our religious practices are likely to be the least understood; yet at the same time- we find ourselves surrounded by so many unhappy people that we both had to learn that we cannot please everyone, accept everyone, and be beholden to everyone.¬† Time is precious, spend it wisely on what you can influence positively.¬† Remove from your life what makes you unhappy, uncomfortable, and what does not bear fruit.-¬† This I learned years and years ago from a Native shaman who read me at another faire.¬† “Know when to hold them, know when to fold them, and let fields lie fallow when they don’t grow corn.”

I must say though- getting a Ouija board made by a Floridian priest out of Haitian wood decorated with tarot cards around the edges was the most interesting purchase made…. and also, the object in particular is 1/20 in the entire world, blessed, and works well.¬† We managed to channel a rather sarcastic author my fiancee is partial to who offered hysterical answers to our questions-
As well as indicating my dead grandpa was also in the room…by referring to him as “The Nazi”.
“Why would you say such a thing about him?”¬† We asked,
“Hello! Because He is”.¬† (Grandpa was temporarily in the SS during WWII- but defected to the British secret service) If you want an idea of what’s going on- check out Ed’s new blog Here.

Basically, to sum up Ed’s blog we have both lived lives where we have been extraordinary push-overs in attempting to please everyone, and we are currently working on rewriting both of our priority sets to honor ourselves more, care less about the games and dramas of others, and learn to discern where and when we can contribute the most good to the world and when to gracefully bow out and do our own thing.¬† Making everyone happy was making us anti-social and resentful.¬† It was time to take some of ourselves back for our own good.

Heathenly speaking: Nauthiz has been in full swing as my fiancee and I found ourselves forced to make concrete decisions regarding wedding plans.¬† I visited a psychic last week for a reading who gave better advice than my current therapist- basically, that even as the shell of a “Type A” personality- I need to learn flexibility and that if something isn’t going the way I envisioned, it is not to say all is lost- but rather, there are possibilities I was likely not aware of that will come to pass and to allow more competent and willing parties to take charge.¬† Which is exactly what occurred.

Every altar was given at least one new gift of a stone, candle, or both- including a huge terminated, irradiated smokey quartz on my fiancee’s main altar- some smaller black quartz¬† and blue Bornite for Tyr,¬† A citrine/quartz and a handful of Bornite for Loki.¬† An Amethyst raven for The Morrigan, a natural, jewelers quality quartz for Anubus, and Zinc quartz for the Gentleman’s Altar of Freyr/Janis and Cernunnos…. all with fresh, new candles….including refilling our box of tealights for the ailing, dead, and those who request honest, legitimate help from us.

The candle for the patron of our relationship has been lit off and on for days-¬† it might surprise some to know that it is Freyr we look to for relationship issues rather than any Rokkr.¬† We as a couple remain remarkably stable- however, the process of life regarding the wedding “clicking” into place around us needed a “spark” of discontent in our wedding plans- we had to defend our religious practices to another, which then triggered a chain affect of solidifying a much more complicated and satisfying wedding arrangement than even I imagined beforehand.

So- my idea of the picnic is the woods is still going to work; we have confirmed Ed’s favorite park with pavilion space enough for food and the possibility of rain.¬† Furthermore, in letting go of my innate habit of being the “planner” in the relationship-¬† Ed created a beautiful 3-tiered wedding process that never would have crossed my mind that solves a series of problems I was struggling to accommodate.

First, since we have to get our license from the state anyway, he wanted a private judge-wedding with just family followed by a nice dinner at the beginning of the month.¬† This way, we can take advantage of the next 10 days he has off for a honeymoon that is technically “real”….including some light day trips to places like the Mutter Museum and possibly Salem or New York.

Since we are doing this all ourselves- the day before our actual Braucher- officiated wedding; we are having a get together lunch with whomever wishes to join us at a Scottish restaurant near the majority of my friends the Saturday before- a sort of cross between the idea of a bachelor/ette party and rehearsal dinner….followed by an evening of cards against humanity and take-out cuisine for the evening as those out-of-towners and people who wish to help set up for the “big” thing stay overnight at our apartment if they want to. ¬† Then, Sunday- as I get my hair done, (and possibly nurse my hangover) the men set up in the morning, then at 2pm we have a¬† family friendly picnic, Heathen ceremony- and at the end of the evening, whomever is left to help with clean up comes back to our apartment for sumbel, in the midst of all of our altars, our cats, and all the blessings one can want.

So, right now, I am waiting on the judge to call me back to confirm the first week of July for the “legal-ease” wedding, set up a hair appointment for the 28th, and now- I am looking for a cheap florist to provide a bouquet or two… as well as good, sturdy flowers to wear in my hair.¬† Looking at bulk prices, it appears miniature blue carnations and baby’s breath sent via some online site are currently the front runners.¬† 20 bucks for 50 stems of each.¬† Not bad.

Still need to purchase shoes, a slip, and next week- my fiancee’s Scottish regalia.¬† The wax mold for our rings will be seen on June 22- then fabricated that week.¬† And I have learned that even a “simple” wedding still takes planning, time, and slightly more money than expected.

I also discovered my former roommate from over a year ago was apparently attempting to claim food stamps under my name- leaving me with a thousand dollar reimbursement to contest. (which I am not concerned about-I have a copy of my lease proving my residence here in THIS county) ¬† I am beginning to seriously consider purchasing a small filing cabinet for our Tyr (Ziu) altar- since all my paperwork regarding “justice”, “injustice”, and anything “government” hath started running over…

I agree with the Christians when their book stated “Give what is Caesar’s unto Caesar.”¬† Meaning- let all political/government/legal matters be entirely separate from the rest of life whenever possible.¬† Tyr has been generous with guidance and help on these things, so I have faith Justice will be done.

So, our cake and our wedding will be three-tiered- but nine separate cakes for each realm of Norse.  We have done our best to minimize butt-hurt in this way and we have also learned that dealing with either religious politics or my family politics is exactly like a game of RISK:  By the time you have the board set up properly, you realize you have no desire to actually play the game.

So, I’m not going out of my way to contact extended family except very minimally, the same goes for anyone else estranged on either side, or religiously speaking- if they show up, they will be expected to be on their best behavior lest they be promptly removed by my brother’s friends who would enjoy the privilege.¬†¬† My brother, sister-in-law, and best friends along with Ed’s family get their “Specialness” with the court wedding…(since there was possibility of offense being taken by not having attendants or a special “family” part some people love so much)…and We still get to have our religious Heathen celebration…

…and hopefully, the medical issues will be resolved in that time as well; one problem will be solved at least- in July, under new insurance, I will get to see my old therapist again who was better trained on my issues- which will very much help minimize any terror at the idea of a large crowd on the 28th.

So- need to hear back from the judge, make hair appointments for the two of us for the first week of July still, buy the Kilt/Highland shirt combo for my man, buy shoes and a slip, figure out where to get a garter and bouquet, and I think that’s about it….other than dollar store streamers to mark our pavilion as “Taken”.

Since so many of our friends are LGBTQ- Ed will be wearing the garter and throwing the bouquet- Bi/pansexuals reading this:¬† Pick ONE to go for.¬†¬† The result of who-catches-which could end up anywhere from “typical” to awkwardly hilarious. ūüôā

However, after the chaos of being accepted then rejected from location to location- I think the end solution turned out to be the best solution-¬† all I needed to do was let go and allow my fiancee the confidence to figure out solutions to problems that vexed me.¬† I’m not used to being with someone equally to more competent than myself:¬† But if he wasn’t, I wouldn’t be marrying him.

Weddings are usually the dominion of the “woman”-¬† after years of self analysis, I should have known that if it’s the domain of the “woman” I am likely the least equipped for the task out of anyone to attempt to navigate such waters.

I am willing to pimp Ed out as a wedding planner by the way- he’s remarkably good at creating elegant, clever,¬† and complex solutions… just pay him for his time.

That is for another post;¬† when to know when people are taking advantage of you for things they should be paying you for but don’t….

Bugger off.

Posted in Uncategorized on May 27, 2013 by Tyrienne

People paint pictures, daily, whether they know it or not of every person they interact with in life-¬† this might be an overcomplicated way of saying “People assume stuff without factual proof”- but I was feeling poetic.¬†¬† One thing that is driving me absolutely up a wall is the idea of Heathen monotheism.¬† This blog is literally http://www.hailloki.wordpress.com, HOWEVER-¬† I have NEVER stated I EXCLUSIVELY worship Loki.¬† Do I love/respect/care/admire/listen to Him?¬† Absofuckinglutely…but I belong to others as well.

Standard Lokian misconceptions:¬†¬† I am not polyamorous.¬† I don’t particularly care if you are- but I’m not, I’m 31 years old and entirely uninterested in any other human but my chosen partner.¬† I do not like chaos, but I thrive in change better than stagnation and I am easily bored.¬† I am never dishonest…although several people accuse me of being so.

I do not abide by any subjugation of one human to any other, nor do I condone the “giving up of one’s will” to another human being- to a God/Gods…perfectly fine.¬† But in my mind, “consensual slavery” outside of a bedroom is utterly depraved and shows both extraordinary mental illness/delusion of the one party as well as mental illness/lack of being able to take responsibility of the “enslaved” party.

Loki may get along and abide by everyone- he can be very Laisez faire- however, I am not Loki, nor do I try to be.  He is a God-  I am mortal, and I am guided by others who influence my opinions in my life very strongly.

I don’t buy much for myself- my life can easily fit in my car (sans books), I see the hoarding of possessions as a human sickness since I was raised by hoarders.¬† The purchases I make for extemporaneous items are usually meant for altars….and I have been known at times of extreme duress to sacrifice altars with hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise to a lake in exchange for freedom from suffering.¬† Other things are consumables with multiple uses; perfume to anoint myself or others- temporary cosmetic products, food, even clothing- clothing I go through twice a year and donate at least one large bag per solstice to the less fortunate.

I was raised by the affluent, so I have learned to despise money-  I do not take pride in a savings account; I do not trust our currency and if I find someone with legitimate need, stranger or friend, I will gladly give what I have to who needs it more.  I have paid for groceries of complete strangers and covered people in line at stores who came up short when I had little myself.   I would rather live cheque to cheque-  I have my debts to pay, and the future is never certain.   Should I come into money- quickly, I share my wealth with my partner, sibling, and friends- so I will be remembered should I run into trouble again.

Am I chaos?¬† No.¬† However, I have that reputation because I will tell you my opinion if you ask me…or if I see injustice and in both cases my words often sting.¬†¬† I am not the person for you to go to for comfort if you are suffering and refuse to seek help.¬† I AM the person to go to if you are suffering and have exhausted all other options.¬† If you do not take my advice and ask for more- I may deny you.

I am excellent in a crisis; I am not excellent with “first world problems”.¬† I will tell you to turn off your cell phone if you are facing me at the dinner table, I will not answer my phone or my doorbell if I do not feel the need for company unless you are my spouse, brother, or sister-in-law.¬† I do not like being “dropped in on” unexpectedly and although I am a public figure and very open about my issues- I still strive to live a private life where I am not bombarded by inanity or with the expectations to conform to the satisfaction of others.

I have kept the vast majority of friends I have made from middle school onward; but I have found that the American Asatru/Heathen community to be full of nothing but misguided Dungeons and Dragons players who pretend to be vikings in their free time and concoct middle-schoolish dramas of who-is-talking-to-whom and whisper down the lane….and frankly, I am tired of it.¬†¬† I consider myself part of the greater Pagan community, and I have learned I could care less about Asatru.

I was raised Heathen.  For all I know, I might be one of less than ten people of European descent I know who was born into a heriatage and traditions that were not created this century, but rather are part of an almost extinct ethnic group that will likely be gone to history after my generation (Lettish).  The other side of my family consisted of Braucheri and Swiss Hexeri.   I guess it explains why so many friends of mine are Native American.

Why did I even care what some former Christians-come-born-again heathens think of me and my practices?   I was also educated from the age of 12 by the preiminant psychic in my region (Rose Moyer) as well as trained by a Navajo/Mongolian shaman in Tahlequah, Oklahoma- who was sincerely the creepiest mofo I have ever met in my life.  I have befriended voodoun clergy and have been taught ingenious ways of protecting myself,  I was also confirmed Lutheran and can likely out-Bible most biblical scholars.

I also have two bachelors degrees World religions and Philosophy- I graduated cum laude- and YES, it does mean something to me.   I was apprenticed as a Sufi and understand enough about Islam to know the way it is portrayed in this country is deplorable and the way it is suddenly practiced by extremists in other countries to be down right heretical.   Where is the Islam that invented calculus, sent diplomats to the entirety of Asia, Africa, and Europe to document foriegn traditions and customs, and where is the hospitality?

Gone.

Where is Heathen hospitality?¬† Also, close to non-existent as people form tiny little pockets of wanna-be “Vikings” or “beserkers” and complety erasing the likely thousands of years of peaceful farming and serfdom from which they are much more likely descended.¬† The Latvians have hundreds of gods/spirits for plants, and yet, not a one who represents war. … not true for my Germanic heritage,¬†¬† but I come from and honor both.

Also, how can we claim to honor our ancestors when we cannot even honor our families?  Most of you reading this are from broken homes, and unless you created peace in your adulthood with your own children- there are likely people who you are estranged from in your own families who either do not honor you nor you them.  How is it possible to believe that the Ancestors are Wise and Benevolent when our blood relations are ignorant and petty?

From what magical asshole did we pull out this load of bullshit….?¬† Or, is it that before television, radio, internet, and Encyclopedia Britanica did we have better families than we do now?¬† Or, was it more likely century upon century of physical/emotional/ and possibly sexual abuse?¬†¬† This crap isn’t new to this century- only NOW it’s considered a problem.

What do I have to tell you about our Gods?¬† I can tell you that our stories about them reflect ourselves more likely than their natures.¬†¬† The intelligent are punished and scapegoated- the ones who are seen as the most “powerful” are flocked to, and the perceived “weak” are closeted to the back of our mind and our bookshelves….why?¬† Because Asatru is an invented tradition as much as Wicca.

Yes.¬† There. I said it.¬† Odin himself did not come down from Asgard and give us “Asatru”.¬† People invented it from snippets of stories and oral traditions where real, honest Heathen families have persisted and existed for centuries persecuted and hid behind the Lutheran church and kept their real beliefs locked tight within their families- and many still do.

My grandmother is a fan of Janis- also known as Freyr.¬† His name is “Janis” because when the Christians invaded they realized the only way they could keep their God was to name him after St. John….and yet, even in Latvia, his symbol is an erect phallus still DESPITE the Christianization.

I am beginning to hate facebook.¬† I am beginning to DESPISE scholars who argue picayune psuedofacts as both their lives go to shit and they miss the big picture:¬† That every single person’s idea of religion and spirituality creates a unique perspective and there is NO ONE RIGHT TRANSLATION.

Your Masters/PhD= effectively advanced plagiarism of other scholars.¬† Hell, that’s what most BA’s are.¬† “Cite your sources”- and yet “Living life” is not considered valid enough to count.¬† Does not one other person take issue with this?

Your religion is what you live every single day, it’s how you interact or not interact with the world around you- it’s the words you speak, the food you cook, the habits and vices that control you, who you worship and even how you take a dump.¬†¬† Your life and your religion is every single day of your goddamned lives.¬† It’s not just in magical moments or when you say some “magic words” holding a hammer, stine, horn, or candle.

Covens and Kindreds do not work because eventually, in Real Life, ideally, people leave the home, find a spouse, and create their own families.¬† Some friends and family stay in your life, others leave…. there is no formal service to “bind” those that stay together- in fact- it can be absolutely detrimental to all involved when one’s life path may take them to other parts of the world or open them to ideas that the rest of the group is not cool with.¬†¬† Freedom of motion- people come, people go, some return, some die, some fall, some soar, and some disappear entirely.¬† There are people who you care for who do not care for you, there are people who think they care for you that truly do not know you and you do not care for.

Such is life.

Most families are dysfunctional- dysfunctional people who do not own their dysfunction seek other dysfunctional people.

People who receive treatment, therefore, are oftentimes seen as a negative catalyst- for it makes the entire scene uncomfortable and raises questions.

Lokians:  What are we?  People who understand the alienation of intelligence, the always learning, always growing, those whose opinions can shift with evidence.   We are not remotely the same in origin, obligations, intellect, nor motivations.

Most of us have other Gods-¬† I have Tyr and I have Freyr.¬† I have met the Morrigan, been comforted by Eir, been commanded to “Stand down” by Odin and also been the sole witness for oaths in his name, and I have been coddled by Inari.¬†¬† I have been welcomed by Allah, I have found refuge in Jesus, I have seen Anubis as a jackel and Cernunnos as a man whose feet I warmed in a dream where I was a small, orange fox. I have danced with Hanuman and Ganesha. I have embraced Kuan Yin, and had intimate conversations with Inanna.¬† I have sculpted the image of Pele.¬† Kali kept me from destroying a transgender who almost-but not quite- destroyed me.¬† I have served as a messenger service to Freyja, and I have learned that Hel is direct, but sweet. I have prayed to Bast for the safety and comfort of my cats.¬† I’ve prayed to a nameless Goddess in an icestorm before my sportscar was hit by a tractor trailer in my early 20’s and I walked away from a foamed-down vehicle with nothing more than whiplash.

I went to Spain to find the Muslim God and found Him waiting in Morocco to tell me that He does not live in any Mosque or altar, no matter how grand- and I see Him as an ocean, where I see those of other pantheons as men and women…and occasionally animals.

Do I care if you believe me?  No.
Do I care if you agree with me?  No.
Am I crazy?  Well, I collect SSD.  Make your own determination there- however, my diagnosis is PTSD (complex), Anxiety, and Depression with both labels of abuse survivor and survivor of torture.

What do I care about?  I care about my household, my fiancee, my biological brother and his wife,  my long-term close friends of all faiths and creeds- some of which I have known for over 18 years.  Some of whom, I have only known 12 via a now defunct think tank online.

I care about most of my ex-lovers and wish them happiness- and I am friends with most of them.

I do not see my personal beliefs as up for debate since they are mine and mine alone-¬† if others share my point of view or do not share my point of view it does not add or subtract from my experience….and that was my decision to make.

Today I am angry,  most days when I post I am either inspired by anger, inspired by blessings, or asked to write on a topic by a peer who wishes to see my take on things.

Today I am angry because my father places higher value on his second marriage family then he does his blood children.
Today I am angry because a creepy mother fucker who believes in keeping slaves believes me to not disgusted by his lifestyle.
Today I am angry because that same person wants to write about our “estrangement” last year which was caused by him basically stalking me and defaming me to the community.
Today I am angry because I have been unable to secure a place for my wedding and I have watched promises fall through…so now I can’t trust.
Today I am angry at my fiancee’s former best friend who USED him for free martial arts lessons while stealing his money, for all the effort I put into attempting to befriend the man who turned out to be a pretentious, conceited reptile who demanded I treat him as a guru because he “sat at the feet” of the “greatest people”.¬† No human being is great, you fucking asshat.

Today I am angry because I lost my paternal grandparents not to death, but to the tea party- who would not visit me in the hospital and despise me for an illness I did not bring on myself when I used to have a close relationship with them.
Today I am angry because I was diagnosed with a heart condition last week I have had evidence of for years- and I am being given emergency tests for the next several weeks as if I am in a life or death crisis.  My pulse is 110-150, my blood pressure 90-110/70 ALWAYS.
Today I am angry that my mother still lives, breathes, and carries on a life outside of a prison cell- she was an abusive, paranoid schizophrenic who beat and verbally abused me for 17 years.¬† I personally know a man in prison right now who worked 80 hour weeks and couldn’t make child support.¬† He is not free, but my mother is.
Today, I am angry at the world, the universe, and the man who knocked and then OPENED my door on Friday night when I did not come to answer it.  I do not care who he is, I do not know- but my cats could have escaped and gotten hurt.  If I do not answer my door- I do not wish company.  If I do not answer my phone, I do not wish to speak.
Today I am angry I cannot get the treatment I need because I am not a veteran, and my therapist is incompetent on my condition.  It will be several months until I can see one who CAN treat me.

So.  Bugger off.  The friends who know and love me will know I love them in return.  For the rest,  leave me the Fuck alone and keep me out of your fantasy realms, please.

Name change.

Posted in About me, Uncategorized on May 10, 2013 by Tyrienne
Fox-Fire woman.  (Artist unknown.)

Fox-Fire woman.
(Artist unknown.)

After realizing I have stated several times in this blog that I am not, in fact Asatru-  (Not that there is anything wrong with Asatruars!) I have decided to change the name of this blog to more accurately reflect the contents within.  Let me know if you feel this change is better, and if not, what you would suggest!

Hail Loki!

Loki’day

Posted in Uncategorized on April 13, 2013 by Tyrienne
Lokiday

Created by Bryon Morrigan

So it appears my friend Bryon Morrigan has created a meme- or a meme was created for him, I do not know.  Either way, this seems to be relevant to my interests and the interest of the readership of this blog.
ūüôā

I always thought Saturday came from the Latin word/god Saturn.¬†¬† Even if this picture is somehow proven inaccurate- it’s Still worth sharing with the anti-Lokians in your life to make their brains explode a little bit.

To quote Jhonen Vasquez: “I Like Brain-Explodey…”

It is Never Too Late To Be Honorable.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 11, 2013 by Tyrienne
Hugin

Huginn (thought), Muninn (memory), and the eye of Odin.
Artist unknown

One of the defining characteristics of modern Christianity I absolutely despise is the idea of instant forgiveness of sin.   A man can lie, cheat, steal, and at the end of the day, say a couple of magical words to a great beardy man in the sky and he is forgiven:  No need to recompass  to who he has harmed, his slate is wiped clean.

So, it remains also true in Islam- another major faith- that by saying the Shahada (There is no god but Allah and Muhammad is his prophet)- so too, that person is assuaged of all guilt, given a clean slate by their god and they can carry forth born anew in a new life of Islam.

Both religions leaving countless victims without recompense in their wake.

To further compound the damage of such actions, it became fashionable to pass off all dishonorable action by claiming “The devil made me do it.” or, by even more commonly claiming that the wronged party is some kind of heretic and karmatically deserving of false accusation and all that goes along with such things- since “They likely did something else to deserve it anyway.”

Is this the way these religions were intentioned to be practiced?¬† Most likely not.¬† However, I will tell you that current trends in Heathenry, especially regarding Loki in the United States are following the same disturbing and dishonorable pattern….both from my own personal experiences as well as the experiences of others who may be Lokians/Rokkr or what ever other flavor of non-accepted target group may be disregarded at the time.

Along with the falsely hyper-masculan image that many associate with Heathenry, so to comes the same bravado that believes that apologies for one’s actions make one seem “weak” in the face of other heathens.¬† Heathenry draws people in for its appearance of rawness, back-to-basics frith, honor, and simplicity- but how much thought is actually put into the concept of the word “honor”?¬†¬† We are no longer able to solve our problems by taking our weapons outside and allowing our skill and the will of the Gods solve our conflicts for us by who remains standing.¬† For those of you who failed to notice, the year is 2013, not 1013.

So here we come to what is necessary for the continuation of our religion as something distinct from all other available options.¬† The idea of personal accountability.¬†¬† Which, ironically enough, Loki has shown in several stories.¬† When he thought it funny to shave off Sif’s golden hair, when he found he did harm- he apologized in action by the giving of gifts to most of the Aesir.¬†¬† When it seemed that by the help of Sva√įilfari that our Gods would lose Freyja, Mani, and Sunna-¬† Loki sacrificed himself to distract the great stallion and bore the consequence of pregnancy- It was Loki’s idea to ask for aid in building Valhalla- and it was Loki who took the burden (literally) so that nothing was lost when things did not seem to be going as planned- and furthermore, the fruit of that was Sleipnir- the result of Loki’s pregnancy- which was given to Odin as a Mea Culpa of sorts for the distress caused- even though the outcome in the end was positive.

I, myself apologize frequently-¬† there are times when I absolutely am well within my right to flyte others- and I take those opportunities, but say far less than I could.¬† Generally speaking, if I confront someone with their own flaws- I say it directly to them, and also- I hold most of what I COULD say back.¬† Not for later ammunition, but rather, because I believe the punishment should fit the damage done.¬† If I have the capability to destroy someone with words, I will not take it- but also know that I Never say everything that I know.¬† I know what I say, I make certain what I say is appropriate- then I stop.¬†¬† Not because I am weak, but because I know that in Honor I am not permitted to destroy any human being, regardless of what they may do to me… I may only point out the contradictory nature of their actions- then I am stopped.

I suppose this is another one of those Tyrian limitations.  The ability to flyte as Loki- but only when I am perfectly justified in doing so.  It causes me pain, I would rather flatten those who hurt me, knowing I have access to words that can basically destroy anyone I wish- but no means to use them is like having a cloak that allows you to fly-exactly 2 feet above the ground.

There was an incident within the past year where my fiancee informed me that when a married woman was pursuing him, that she informed another member of his former kindred of her intentions. ¬† Out of my anger and pain in the situation, I threw this information at his goethe at the time….and in turn, the woman blamed me for falsely accusing her; despite the fact that I had gotten the information from my fiancee who received no blame.¬† Furthermore, when it turned out ALL information regarding the situation was being distorted by the dishonorable wife- no apologies were made despite the goethe himself Oathing to me before Odin himself that if he found that what my fiancee and I said of her intentions towards infidelity to be true, we would both receive personal apologies.

Since that time, it has been unmistakably proven that my fiancee and I were absolutely in the right- the dishonored wife in question appears to not be apart of the community any longer;¬† yet, no apologies have been granted.¬†¬† Why?¬† Because it has also been said that some fear “losing face” in doing so.

How can a person possibly lose face for admitting that they are fallible and human?¬† Do the Gods see upholding lies as honorable, making excuses, and dehumanizing the victims of the situation as correct?¬† Am I simply a “Lokian” who caused the chaos in the first place.

No.

I am a human being who happened to get in the way of scheming, dishonorable woman who had selfish intentions and no regard for the wyrd of her community nor the oaths made to her husband and kindred.¬† Being “Lokian” has no bearing on the situation- in fact, in also being Tyrian- it would indicate even more strongly that justice should be served since many in that kindred venerated Him at one time- and Tyr is keeper of justice in our faith.

You cannot take me as Lokian without also acknowledging my oaths to Tyr if you know me.

I take this time to publicly apologize to the woman I accused of being complicit in the attempt to allow a married woman to dishonor her husband- for I did not know that my fiancee was also lied to about what she was told by the same dishonorable woman.

Yet, we also are not blameless-¬† for all my pleading, my fiancee never spoke to her husband directly regarding her advances towards him…. fearing loss of his home at the time (he rented a room from them), and shortly thereafter, all lines between him and the wronged husband were severed.¬†¬† The only thing that stopped me from going to the husband directly was Odin himself asking me to keep my peace- which hurt- for I would NEVER want to find myself in the same situation as that poor man.¬† The truly innocent parties in this innocent are first- the wronged husband- and secondly, myself and my fiancee who were extensively lied about.

But, we are Rokkr- therefore- unworthy of recompense or apology perhaps?   How many times do people wrong another and pray for time to wash away the damage?  Can you accidentally shoot an arrow into your neighbor and think that since he was able to break off the shaft- that the point would eventually dissolve into the flesh and not still be a problem?  That is dishonor-  it does not wash away and grind down like a pebble in a river-  it remains like a blade in the offended party; a reminder of hurt that returns with similar memories.

…and the best that the aggrieved can do is hope that the offender has enough of a soul to be haunted by their false accusations, disbelief, and deeds (or lack there of).

Several years ago my best friend and I had a falling out that lasted for 7 years.¬† At the time of the first argument, he was a drug abuser with a fiancee who caused him to live two separate lives- one in secrecy from her (dishonorably) and one where he pretended to be the man she desired him to be (also a falsehood).¬† For years, almost like clockwork, we would stalk one another online and create an argument that would last for days over nothing at all- while he claimed “not to care” for me- as I pointed out that several hundred instant messenger messages speaks to the contrary.

In the end of all things, he found a much more suitable bride- one with which he was able to be his true self- and he apologized- for a solid 20 minutes for everything, including incidents and harmful words he said that I had forgotten, and I was in tears- and incredibly grateful.¬†¬† It showed no weakness on his part- but rather strength that he was able to hold himself accountable for his actions.¬†¬† He never once said “The drugs made me do it,” but rather “I was on drugs at the time, and I am sorry for that as well.”¬† It also erased much of a burden I carried for years.

From our reconciliation, I believe that those who are dishonorable in action are haunted by the harm that they cause with isolated exceptions of clinical sociopathy or extreme narcissism.

I have been called Lokian, chaotic, insane, and just about any other dehumanizing thing one can throw at another person- however, if I am truly so insane- then how can I possibly write a clear, coherent blog that still gains followers?¬† If I am so chaotic, then why is my life mostly peaceful day to day?¬† Also, I have been accused of being a “leech” for being on disability-¬† but how can I be a “leech” when I have paid into the system myself since I was 15 years old, often holding two to three jobs concurrently, and my condition is so unpredictable that I cannot interact with other people face to face for days at a time?¬† I can assure you it is not “your” money- nor am I getting rich (far from it).

If you would like to place blame I would look more towards the trillions in military spending each week than to attack the disabled with unnecessary vitriol towards programs and illnesses you do not understand.¬† I would not wish my life experiences or illnesses on anyone- but also, it is my right that I do not need to disclose my life story for anyone’s approval, first of all; and second, my income affects the lives of none of my accusers…despite the inane complaining of the tea-party mentality.

What I suffer from is not contagious-PTSD-  a fault of the memory that causes old hurts to seem new over and over again.  So, where most people have the luxury to forget, my long-term memory stores each hurt perfectly rendering my short term memory useless in exchange.  Hardly madness- but extraordinarily difficult to live with, and impossible to work with when triggers are difficult to determine.

There are days where I wish that people who have harmed me are haunted by their actions in their dreams- that they are reminded and shamed by their actions as much as I am forced to remember them….but I realize the most I can hope for is an occasional twinge of guilt which is quickly discarded or trampled into submission in favor of more immediate matters.

But also, I know that I can be healed of some pain by apology- and I grant forgiveness pretty readily.  However, I do not suffer the company of those who have wronged me or my loved ones well at all.   I do not suffer hypocrites or liars-  If they claim Odin or Tyr as patrons, I especially raise an eyebrow.

Actions I have done or my fiancee have been accused of recently have all been discomforts with personal practices that truly do not affect any other individual.   What Gods we choose to worship have no bearing on the lives of anyone else outside of our own.   We still hail the Aesir, the Vanir, and yes, even a few from other pantheons who we have become close to.  We are not universalists- but we do not judge others for their choices in who to honor.   Thomas Jefferson once stated the crime is only committed when the fist strikes.

There is no crime in worship, but there is crime in curses thrown in spite.
There is no crime in thought, but there is crime in willful ignorance.
There is no crime in blindness, but accountability will be forced upon those by the Gods themselves who choose to close their eyes to the needless suffering of others when it can be prevented.

If I can pray for anything at all this afternoon- it would be an apology letter.   I have been silent against so many things done to me over the years that there are likely dozens of people who could craft one, and any honest, detailed, and heart felt apology for any suffering caused  is one step in erasing some of the pain I live with daily.

I am an intelligent woman.¬† Some people hurt me for fear that I had the information to destroy their self-illusions, reputations, and ultimately their lives.¬† They felt in hurting me it would “keep me in my place.”

No, I chose not to destroy you because *I* am honorable, I value my own honor, and I do not attack unless provoked; and even then I match blow for blow- instead of allowing a tower of lies and self-aggrandizement to ruin an entire community over the actions and misdeeds of a misguided¬† few who feel heathenry is an excuse for acting like an uncouth barbarian and dressing in silly costumes in an attempt to connect to the “old ways”.

The old ways involved a system of checks and balances- it involved personal accountability, honesty, frith, and the desire to keep the greater community together rather than rendering it into pieces over disagreements that mean nothing.   It was about undoing harm that was done, paying the cost of a life to the family of the dead when a life was taken, regardless of the issue.  It was not about what you wear, who you impress, and who you claim as your personal gods.

We all have our personal beliefs and spirituality- and that’s just it- our beliefs are personal, meaning that my belief system has no bearing on what you choose to believe except that my belief system does not allow for discrimination based on who you pay homage to….¬† You can be giving offerings to Sutr, Jesus, Baphomet, Satan, or Cthulhu for all I care…. I don’t.

…and in this, yes, I am better than some of you who choose to pick enemies for the mere sake of wishing to have some force to fight against rather than even make an attempt at peace, understanding, and diplomacy.

Please take your horned helmets and your giant hammers elsewhere,  You are not going to be walking onto a dragonship to pillage anything anytime soon.  You will never be given the opportunity to fight with live steel against people you disagree with. You can wear all the costumes you like, but your dedication to historical accuracy (or lack thereof) is no indication of your dedication to the Gods, Truth, or Personal Honor.

Please join me in attempting to show Heathenry as respectable a faith as any in this century by the return of honor and accountability to humankind-¬† not crap about whose imaginary friend is “enemy” of your own.

I can assure you the Gods do not battle in such ways among themselves- and if you would lift your eyes from the stories of the past to commune with the Gods of the present, you will find I am sincere and truthful…and my UPG is no more or less credible than any other.

Os and Perspectives

Posted in Uncategorized on April 11, 2013 by Tyrienne
OS

By http://www.kstattoo.com
Kitt Souvanna-Artist

Forgive the rambling nature of this post-¬† I have many thoughts floating free this evening and sometimes, free form writing can be as therapeutic and worthwhile as something more organized.¬† This is not a particular post on a topic-¬† it’s more of just an exploration of the thoughts currently floating in my mind.¬† This state is called “half-triggered”- I am not completely fine, but nor am I distressed- just pensive and introverted.¬† Tired and overthinking- pushed too far and pulling myself back one rope grasp at a time handhold over handhold back to the present.

First of all, I would like to state that the current state of the American Heathen community is truly perplexing to me; there are people who loathe me who have never met me- on account of the label of “Lokian/Lokean”.¬† Why would anyone choose to harbor such strong emotions over a word without actually personally meeting me, reading my writing, or even really knowing anything about me?¬†¬† I don’t know of any group that I instantly judge in such a way- and honestly, as a whole all of humanity is generally confusing to me in general.

Another thought- Sort of like when you see your successor in your ex-lover’s life and find them to be less attractive, kind, and intelligent than you are-¬† does that mean to imply that you are lower than such a person, or that your ex lover is aiming low?¬† I am not an attractiveness ideal by any means- however, at least I clearly bathe daily, take care of myself through diet and exercise, and although I am cis-gender, I do know how to put on a “good show” when I need to making me a pretty solid 7 out of 10 by personal bisexual assessment.¬† I am getting replaced by solid 3’s across the board….especially in “kindness” category.¬† I can understand a less attractive person with a hell of a personality, but I am seeing ex’s in what appears to be abusive relationships and it makes me feel sad for them- and I do not understand their reasoning for their choices.

I had my ex fiancee leave me for a troll-like woman who proudly worked for Monsanto, intentionally neglecting her birth control with the intention of getting pregnant to trap him,¬† and took devilish delight in making the lives of Canadian farmers a living hell- all the while as his parents owned the largest cattle ranch in Val Marie, Sk.¬†¬† I have seen the wedding pictures-¬† on this continent, people believe the truth is in the smile- when the Asians know correctly, the truth of emotion is in the eyes;¬† exhaustion, weariness, and defeat.¬† I feel sad for him- but his family is comprised of strong, good folk who will make certain his child is raised well with plenty of positive influences to counteract the negative.¬† I wish for that child to have wild summers on the family farm chasing cattle dogs, tipping cattle, and riding horses just like his grandparents… and I have little reason to believe my hope is different than reality.

Another ex ended up with a woman who asked him to “Stop speaking with big words” because it made her “feel bad” while controlling who he may/may not speak to because she feels “threatened”- she is a larger girl, attractive, but insecure.¬† He’s still with her.¬†¬† The only thing these women have in common is more conventionally feminine personalities and interests. ¬† Nice people also do not generally control their partners in who they may and may not associate with.

I have my flaws as well- but only with one specific individual: In the case of my relationship there is one woman who specifically targets men in relationships to sleep with (according to her Plenty of Fish profile), cuts herself frequently, is a heroine addict, and who has proudly spread her legs for most of the city (again, plenty of fish as well as words from my fiancee’s coworkers)- ironically, she accused me of being a negative influence on my fiancee at the beginning of our relationship on account of my percieved “instability” after months of not speaking to him.¬†¬† I flyted the shit out of her-¬† one who has enough marks on her arm to create an N gauge railroad cannot criticize the mental stability of another.

My favorite line was “Sweetheart, if you are going to cut yourself, at very least do it properly: Down the road, deeply.¬† Not shallowly across the street.”

In her case, I would allow him to associate with her if she came over here to our house while I was here- and I would gladly stay in another room to allow their conversation.¬† Not surprisingly, she declined only wishing to meet with him alone…indicating to me her intentions were far from honorable.

Apparently, she just was released from an institution.  I have been in institutions- but over things done TO me, not things done to myself.  I do admit to being elitist, seeing people who intentionally inject themselves with toxins and create completely visible scars on their bodies tend to give the rest of us who struggle with mental illness a bad reputation. Perhaps imitation is the sincerest form of flattery; however, I doubt she was committed for being tortured and interrogated for 5 hours without legal representation like I was which drove me to 201 commitment, nor was she involved with a narcissist who used her as a brain drain for his own research projects, psychological abuse, and eventually stalking.

Anyone else- fuck, my fiancee can go out where ever he wants, whenever he wants.  If I did not trust my fiancee- I would not be with him.  But I will not have the possibility of putting him into danger of becoming drugged and raped by an unpredictable woman.

However, if my past history is any indication, if I were to lose him it would be to¬† a woman of her caliber…. a confused histrionic whore with a penchant for self-mutilation and self-entitled narcissism.

Yes, I know her commitment had nothing to do with me- however, I won’t rule it out, either.¬†¬† Apparently, many people had “plans” for my fiancee as their “back-up” choice for a life partner- counting on his record of long periods of being single. ¬† Apparently, seeing him engaged seems to have driven both women and men to insane actions and outbursts. I am told a lot of people used to be “different” before I began dating Eddie- then over the past few months, they deteriorated.¬† Then again For every bad memory of college I relive, there is an image of a young, long haired poet at the foot of Mount Damavand laying among the flowers and writing his thoughts in a journal in beautiful curling script, reading “Le Petit Prince” en Francais and dreaming of living abroad….and one day, I will write about him- my lost friend- and what the world missed out on in not getting to know him before he lost himself.¬†¬† ….but who he is now is a stranger I do not wish to know.

I would¬† be polite should I see her, yet still step back a step when she holds the horn to avoid her wyrd….thankfully, she is not even Heathen and only appeared at events we no longer attend.

Speaking of which, this leads me to another interesting concept; the idea of the false teacher…. the one who harmed me is far from my life now; but yet, ¬† I was torn apart by a yoga teacher, criticized for my spiritual beliefs-¬† not even for being Lokian- but for being Asatru/Heathen in general since “He has been to Sweden, his wife is Swedish, and he speaks Swedish and knows the faith to be false”.

Sorry chief, first of all- 90% of Sweden is Atheist….and my family is Latvian/Pa Dutch making the argument null and void… my Religion is not Scandinavian, it is from my family’s traditions, my own research, and soul-searching. My grandma still talks about the time the Christians came to her village to baptize the locals only for the locals to jump into a separate river as soon as the invaders left to “wash off” the baptism.¬†¬†¬† He wanted me to respect him- he asked me what I wanted.¬† I told him I respected him as a friend to my fiancee and¬† as a yoga teacher: it was not good enough.¬†¬† He believes a blue man with a flute is God- as in GOD- the one and only.¬† That’s nice- Krishna is not my God…. and for a 10 year friendship with my fiancee- he proudly proclaimed to me that as a teacher, “He had no friends- he was a teacher and needed to keep himself a part from his students.”¬† …including my fiancee ¬† I replied “That sounds lonely, I feel bad for you.”- to which he entered into what I could best described as a rage.¬†¬† I was kicked out of the studio a week later when I stopped attending his classes in favor of other teachers- and asked one other teacher where else he taught yoga and relayed the entire interaction to him.

So, I learned that “shit talking” means “telling the truth.”¬†¬†¬† Got it, humanity.¬†¬† At Lokiblot, another former friend of that particular man approached me and told me he used to be an entirely different person…. one who didn’t demand unquestioning ass-kissing, one who had friends and respected the beliefs and ideas of others, and she was incredibly saddened at the change in him which had also become apparent in his frantic, un-researched facebook posts claiming that yoga and odd dietary behavior can allow one to live past 200 years old.¬† Here is a man clinging to the desire to appear to be a guru for the very survival of his business.¬† Yet, no guru I know would ever tear another human being down with lies and conjecture. ¬† No human spiritual teacher would-( that alone, is the Gods purview in my opinion)¬† A human spiritual teacher does their best to lift up humanity with their words- we certainly have enough people tearing us down.¬† I am teacher no more or less than any other human being- and I see no human being as being greater than any other.¬† As far as teachers are concerned; I have learned to research and look to the Gods for guidance.

She apologized that I never got to see the old him, and apologized for his actions- not her fault.

Furthermore, over the course of the past few weeks I have seen a woman who publicly attempted to “summon a demon” at a heathen gathering to impress the audience (he wasn’t a demon- he was a jinn- but that is beside the point; I studied Islam, and to anyone outside of the knowledge of Islam a jinn would seem “demonic”) disown my fiancee because he praised the Jotuns.¬†¬† Not even specific Jotuns….and even when it was pointed out that Tyr, Skadi, Thor, et all had Jotun blood- she publicly denounced my fiancee, insulted him- and unfriended the two of us.¬† She held an Ostara event which had a grand total of under 5 people who showed.¬†¬† Our Lokiblot had 12.

She said to us “You reap what your sow”.¬† Well, my dear- you certainly did, didn’t you?

Lokiblot:¬† Almost a year in planning- was a moderate success; to my dismay, the children who were in attendance were in a constant state of agitation; I have no experience with children- however, those that did warmed my heart by taking turns trying to sooth them and calm them down.¬† All in all, out of 12 people attending I would say at least 7 spent time taking care of children they were not related to.¬† That is community, so even if the ritual itself was interrupted at moments by the cries of a newborn or the frustration of a 4 year old who could not figure out why touching the keys of my computer made movies stop playing….we made it though, and for it- more Heathens connected with other heathens.

There is few more satisfying feelings than seeing friends becoming friends with others on your list—- it creates a network, a web of people of common interests and mindset that surrounds each person in the web with acceptance and new understanding.

If it is of any consequence, the Sumbel was fantastic- 4 rounds, 1 to the Gods, 1 to ancestors, 1 round to amusing stories, and one round to boasts.

My boast was this blog- that it seems to have consistent international readership to my amazement…¬† I honestly am writing this blog to fulfill an Oath to Tyr and a promise to Loki.

But, I guess other than the first post this is the most “human” of everything I have written.¬† I am judgmental, sometimes insecure, and I feel satisfaction when people who harm or discredit me or people I love receive consequences for their actions.¬† I am not a hexer- but I can predict consequences well.¬† I know the yoga studio is in financial trouble and losing two consistent clients will likely hurt….it took well over a week to get our refund check.

However, we are REALLY looking forward to trying out something called “Bikram” which involves mild postures conducted in a room heated to 115 degrees Fahrenheit with humidifiers to make the environment basically into a sweat-lodge type thing.¬†¬†¬† Ed always wanted to go there but his former friend spoke so resentfully of it that he did not wish to offend him.¬† Now we are free to go where we want, to try new things we were unable to previously.

The price of freedom is always some kind of loss- nothing in this world is free.  I am on Disability for PTSD and have days that are completely lost to being stuck in past periods of time- the anger, the pain, and confusion of things that I could never understand-  an interrogation where I was forbidden legal council for 5 hours, a professor who turned into an admirer and enemy concurrently, bad relationships, abandonment, car accidents and  many painful surgeries.

But I am free.¬† My time is mostly my own-¬† I can write, I account for my time to no one except medical professionals- but in exchange for this freedom is losing myself to unknown triggers….and then, I belong to the grip of the past, trapped in a negative delusion that horrors I have experienced are once again occurring.

When I met Loki- he pointed out a man from the window of the room we were in: “Protect him- he is worthy of your protection and you will learn much from him.”

…and so I did, I protected that man- and in turn I watched how a religious, God-touched individual can lose their faith in favor of false celebrity and the trappings of the material world….and have over 400 letters of what was essentially the last of his inner self saying “goodbye” to reality, to spirituality, and the mad calling to the Poetry of the Sufi in favor of Politics of the academic.

Through the pain of being a student assistant/student-slave to a false teacher myself- Loki gave me the coin with which to buy my freedom.¬† Sadly, that coin is inscribed “madness”- But it has two faces- the other side of madness brings knowledge.¬† Ask Odin about how he discovered the Runes, sometime….

Therefore, I am not “tame” any longer to any hand- for I have learned freedom does not hold with collars;¬† the fear and mindless hatred from others is better than a life enslaved to rigid ideas, to other people’s thoughts, or to be apprenticed or subjugated. ¬† I may be hated,¬† people may curse me, but I wake up every morning next to my fiancee- we eat breakfast, maybe go out for a little.¬† I take him to work, I come home-¬† when the curse of bad thoughts come to me, I can sleep to bypass them, I can surf the internet, or call on a friend.¬† I can write when I want, whatever I want.¬† I am financially secure, and I am no ones human slave.

Then, I pick up my fiancee from work, where he shakes off the shackles of the day and we spend the nights wild as we please in our magic, love, and free conversations.  Our short term memories stilted so badly that arguments last moments only to be forgotten- then onwards to read books curled together or watch a movie before retiring each night snug with our cats.  Neither of us are tame- we are committed to one another, but commitment and submission are two entirely different concepts. My Gods protect me, my fiancee loves me, I have a close relationship with my brother and grandmother and close, long-term friends.  The only candles I light are for the dead to find their way and those who are ill who need the help of Eir.

The first thunderstorm of the year is occurring outside at this moment-  I adore thunderstorms- and still, I have not made an effort to outreach to Thunar/Thor although I am told he asks for me to.

I admit to my cowardliness as well; perhaps tonight I will try to reach back and see what He of Storms wishes to say to me-  Loki has been the one to indicate this would be no bad thing for me-  I am not going to be hurt or reprimanded; and I need to remind myself that I have friends who are Thorsmen who have been as good to me as others have been evil.  But when one has been hurt repeatedly in the name of a God, it makes speaking to that same God a fearful prospect.

When people speak ill of me, I know as long as I live honestly my Gods will watch for me;  I have the freedom to tell the truth, I have the freedom to walk my path, and I have my freedom to go where I am welcome, to choose my friends, to live a life, albeit an unconventional one- that can still have a positive influence.

…and when I speak of other people in a negative light, it is my truth, my Os to share- the uncomfortable truth- that I am most comfortable with.¬† Once in a while, even I have the desire to rip apart the sternum and expose the wounded, contradictory hearts of those who wish only to harm and divide…and I feel no sympathy to those who throw the first punches unprovoked who find themselves alone in the end.

Nine FAQ about Loki and √Āsatr√ļ

Posted in Uncategorized on April 8, 2013 by Tyrienne

A great read:

via Nine FAQ about Loki and √Āsatr√ļ.

Your Mileage May Vary…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 4, 2013 by Tyrienne
Red Companion, bringer of change: A woman's Divine friend and Confidant. By Anastasia Borzykh

Red Companion, bringer of change: A woman’s Divine friend and Confidant.
By Anastasia Borzykh

I write this post in response to an artful post by fellow Lokian, A Myriad of Faces,   and perhaps have realized that in my defense of those of us under the cloak of Loki, I may have accidentally pigeon-holed fellow Lokians to the outside community.  First of all, the uniting factor between every single true Heathen of His are two unmistakable qualities:  Intelligence and Adaptability.   Some people are born this way, some people end up learning how to become so after years of accidental training, some of which may be trauma-induced.  Loki, although compassionate to the  suffering, is not a God of the weeping hopeless-  but rather, the God of those who would push themselves despite their difficulties in life.  To be defiant against odds is more to His liking than to be retiring- but to be injured is not a matter of scorn, but a badge that some may wear showing that they have taken chances in life- that to be hurt, one may have held convictions against the common ground- to have loved when love is anathema, and to have screamed against the hordes of bleating sheep-like minds to wake up from the anesthesia of the propaganda of popular culture, society, false news, false values, and ultimately, the acceptance of what is untruthful.

One does not need to have a horrid past, painful scars, or injury: physical or mental, to be intelligent and adaptable.

Os is a rune of hard truths; Dagaz, the daylight that illuminates both the delightful and the disturbing-¬†¬† To be Lord of both is to shine light into darkness; appreciated or not, for it needs to be done.¬† Truth is not swayed by opinion, tempered by fear, or changed by disgust.¬† Truth does not vanish when ignored, denied, or rallied against.¬† Truth simply is- Truth stands above social niceties, political agendas, and the laws of mankind.¬† Sacred laws, laws of physics, and one’s honor to the self, to their Faith, and to face Truth squarely, despite the potential consequences mark us.¬† Not suffering-¬† many of us are still learning how to avoid the pain of seeing beyond the figurative fourth wall, the illusion of Plato’s cave- while the rest of mankind remains entertained and enthralled by shadows.¬†¬† Not everyone needed to find pain to find truth, some have been blessed to be naturally perceptive.

Lokians, and those like us in general are becoming more important since our global society overall has become a force that wishes to criminalize the intellect-¬† At least in the United States… we live in a time of bread and circuses and our students are taught the memorization of inaccurate “facts” rather than the variety of ways to perceive the world around them- though art, logic, music, or simple Logos (the search for truth through the divine).

From even a young age those perceived of superior intelligence are meant to be held suspect.¬† For every cartoon on television, there are villains that range from “mad” scientists, to “evil” geniuses.¬†¬† The “good” intellectuals found in popular culture are depicted as misunderstood loners- such a Bruce Wayne (Batman)- or even semi-sociopathic and self serving anti-heros such as Tony Stark (Iron Man).

Common heroes are seen to have simple, non-complex lives—-there is a clear division between what is “good” and what is “evil”, and even in many religions such as Christianity, that dichotomy is instilled in our societal values that there is a clear division between what is “right” and what is “wrong”…despite the fact that the intellect sees clearly that the world is not only far from dichromatic, or even shades of grey- but rather multifaceted, complex and for the most part beyond our comprehension as a whole.

The first problem with being intelligent is realizing how little of the world we can truly understand.  Unanimously, those of high intelligence oftentimes feel overwhelmed not by what they know; but rather by what they do not understand.   I have found time and time again the brightest, most sensitive and perceptive minds I have encountered feel themselves to be intellectually inferior by the knowledge that one cannot possibly understand the world in any form of concrete matter-  it forces the intellectual to become flexible in their belief systems and opinions of others, and most of all- open to all possibilities, ideas, and opportunities to increase their understanding.  This is the rock of Sisyphus, the concept that in this life, on Midgard, that even the brightest among us cannot see more than 3 pieces of the puzzle that makes up Reality- and in fact, Reality itself is actually not as concrete as many people assume becomes overwhelming.

This is chaos, our lack of true perception;  Yet this is also Order, but one too complex for the entirety of our understanding.

There are those who will attempt to impose order upon what they do not understand fully, and then there are Lokians/Tricksters/Magicians who will show the loophole, the forgotten, and the excluded from the “law” that renders it nonsensical.¬†¬† There is ultimate order in the universe, but to claim any human has the key to it is the ultimate in hubris-¬† far better it is to take all information in stride, to observe, and to keep attempting to show others the full spectrum of colors to those who have only been given instruction in black and white, and falsely informed that black and white are the only colors in the spectrum.¬† (this is a metaphor)

So, back to truth.¬† What is it?¬† The definition I hold dear is that for every “rule” a human will state, there will be an exception to that rule.¬† Truth indicates that there are no sweeping definitives, there is no clear “Right” and “Wrong” in most scenerios….but instead there are beings who can either choose each moment to make the best decisions they can with the resources and information they have at the time,¬† others who choose to make no decisions at all,¬† or those, like divine fools, follow their mystic hearts and ignore the harsh voice of rationality and step off the cliff with an equal chance to flight or failure.¬†¬† …and of course, there are also all the people in between, as well as people whose actions change unpredictably with each scenario, unique like snowflakes or the respective crimson of each maple leaf in Autumn.

So, a paradox- is it a definitive rule that there are no definitive rules?

False.¬† For the answer lies within the heart… in our Faith, we know the Truth in when we are told we are loved…. and we see love expressed to us by both divine and mundane sources.¬† In the Divine, we find ourselves given multitudes of blessings- the joy of curiosity and gratefulness, the ability to create and contribute positively to our communities and our greater world around us with our words, our art, and each action—the poetry of human existence, each human a thread woven through the complex cloth of life, each person holding the keys to a creative mind within them (whether they choose to employ that mind or not). ¬† We find that our prayers are answered, we find ourselves granted divine insights, and we find communion with our Gods—and through the teachings of our Gods, we find the greatest joy of finding ourselves in complete freedom when we realize that all problems we experience are simply puzzles to solve rather than impassible barriers.¬† In our Mundane lives love is shown by those close to us, by their willingness to stand beside us, to hold and be held when compassion bids us, and to be frithful to those who care to do honorably by all others to the best they are able.

We (hopefully) learn to keep our wants simple:¬† when asked what he wanted when he finished college, my friend Kristian,(who I fully believe to be a prodigy), answered “I just want to be happy.”

That sentence changed my life entirely.   From then on no achievement, degrees, or habits for the future meant nearly as much as I was told they should mean.

To me, every single human is my equal- I will not bow before a guru, a teacher, or a scholar.   However, those mystics who allow the Divine to speak through them will always have my rapt attention;   those who decide that their Religion and their Gods are their center (regardless of their religion) are ever my friends- for I have made the same choice.  Even if we do not share the same Patrons, background, or religion- those who started with books and moved beyond them to touch the greater universe and the Divine mark themselves by their lack of judgemental-ness and depth of their compassion.

I learned that there truly is no such thing as a human “teacher” since we can learn equally as much from the retarded as from a PhD….and a PhD is no indicator of depth of insight, strength of intellect, or of moral capacity- but rather an indicator of being able to jump through the appropriate hoops to impress the appropriate people to speak on your behalf to a committee that your writing style (which you tailor to your human teacher’s specifications) is adequate enough to impress others with PhD’s.¬† Further: it can simply be a sign of wealth; since programs that fully fund PhD students have been on a sharp decline for several years.

Loki is the defiant, he is the trickster, he is the bane of the hardheaded and the hard hearted alike.¬† His tests are not easy, but I can attest that He is greater than any human teacher…¬† I have followed human teachers on bended knee before only to find them hamstrung by their own flaws.¬† Our Gods are not even flawless, however, they can perceive what we cannot—and in turn teach us to stretch our horizons without ever claiming ownership of knowledge, but rather enjoying bathing in the cool water of eternal learning, of freedom from dogma, and the ultimate freedom of joy and creativity.¬†¬† Odin does not even hold ultimate knowledge, but amongst our ancestors he came closest through multiple sacrifices; there is freedom in madness, there is reward in creating our own order, and in recognizing any order we impose on our universe can be washed away like a castle in the sand.

Loki eternally teaches by trial and error.  Loki has taught me error is not failure, but a lesson- and success is not an end, but a beginning.  There are always new things to learn, to express, and to appreciate.  The exchange for this is to stand fast against untruth, even if it seems difficult or unpopular to do so.

My words are my artform and this is my canvas.¬† A former lover (in heart, not in body) said twice to me “Your words are like a clear glass.”¬†¬† But I would prefer if my words served more as a mirror.¬† If “Cellar door” is the most beautiful phonetic word in English, the most beautiful word in Persian is “Ayaneh”- which means mirror.¬†¬†¬† I want you to see what I can see— and in turn, I want to see your world through your eyes.

I also find it interesting that my favorite news source, “Spiegel” means the same en Deutsch.

Like my friend Myriad, I, too, can converse in multiple languages-¬† when I remember them.¬† En Deutsch, Farsi, Espanol, and writing in Runic.¬† I may not be able to do it with her mastery, but when I need to remember- it comes to me.¬†¬† I am learning to get less frustrated with my poor short term memory and to rely, again, on both my faith that as long as I remain honorable to the best of my understanding of honor, loving to the best of my heart’s knowledge of loving, and receptive to greater knowledge- knowing I can only do the best I can with the resources present at any given moment- that I have happiness, and much to rejoice for.

Difficulties are temporary.  Sufism taught me that both the pursuit of love and knowledge are eternal, and Loki taught me that this search will never leave one stranded, bored, or lonely unless I make the conscious decision to be or remain any of those three things.

The Urglaawe Trickster Figure: Eileschpiggel!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on April 2, 2013 by Tyrienne
Artist unknown and likely dead

Artist unknown and likely dead

Please take the time to read this excellent post by my friend Robert L. Schreiwer of The Troth and Urglaawe Tradition regarding the Pennsylvania Dutch/Continental German Trickster Eileschpiggel!

Fascinating, Rob!¬† I really enjoyed this….and I know you all will as well.

Happy Loki Day (aka “April Fools”)

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 1, 2013 by Tyrienne
Fox-Fire woman. (Artist unknown.)

Fox-Fire woman.
(Artist unknown.)

It’s April 1st, the commonly accepted feast day for Loki and I realized that if I am true to my word, and I try to be, I could not allow this day to pass without some sort of commentary; ¬†The Lokian Asatuar has a reputation to maintain after all. ¬† Freyja’s Hall will be holding our observance of the day this Saturday April 6th at our apartment. ¬†“Friend of Freyja” is one of my favorite kennings, so it fits us.

So, it’s Loki day. ¬†I have no beautiful women to shave, I have no testicles of my own and I own no goats, ¬†I AM wearing a lovely skirt today though- but I am no bridesmaid. ¬†I like horses…(but not THAT much) and I lack the means to carry a fetus to term (hysterectomy!), I am not good enough at shapeshifting to be a fox, salmon, or anything else cool in this plane of existence (call it a lack of confidence, perhaps?) ….and although I own several hawk feathers, I can’t make a cloak or know of anyone willing to lend me one for the afternoon for a quick flight to the Pagoda on Mount Penn.

Like most people, this day each year I try to bullshit my friends with some sort of causally believable BS- I’ve converted in and out of religions, shown a positive pregnancy test (I had a hysterectomy at 28), and pretend-reconciled with insanely abusive people. ¬†This year, I posted 100% true “What the fuck” confessions of the weirdest shit to happen to me in my life. ¬†Difficulty: Insane- for I have to avoid libel so the MOST messed up thing that has occurred is out (it involves an international transgender activist, Sufism, and daily love letters written under¬†pseudonym)¬† and then I had to CHOOSE out of a variety of things. ¬†I couldn’t choose just ten…. and my friend Smart Steve brought up the cognitive point that most people have no mental capacity for actual confession (and yet, according to Kant- we possess an a priori sense to invent Time for us so our brains can comprehend our own corner of the universe without exploding) ¬†So, ¬†it’s out there. ¬†I’ll even add 10 more that didn’t make the list before (but might have been lightly touched upon in other posts-so I¬†apologize¬†for repeated information and my poor memory):

1. I have lost track of how many young women I have taken to get abortions….not because I’m nice, but because I did not want them to breed…since high school. ¬†I am a one-woman Dr. Mengele in that regard. I was the child of teenage parents, and I never wanted to see more little “me’s” in the same situation.

2. My grandfather on my mother’s side was in the SS in WWII- ¬†It’s okay though- he ended up working for Britain.

3. ¬†My grandfather on my father’s side was one of the world’s first computer programmers- he invented college automated scheduling (ironic, my college did not utilize it). ¬†He disowned me for being committed because he does not believe in PTSD and refused to speak to a single doctor or neurologist on my behalf- it is believed he tried to challenge my SSD unsuccessfully.

4. ¬†I’m pansexual, monogamous,and gender-queer. I changed my name to be gender neutral, don’t care what gender you are, and I don’t think of myself as any particular gender but lean more towards male-type thoughts in Western culture. ¬†If I could not be “myself” in this culture, I would have no issue getting a sex change…say, if I lived in Iran or something. ¬†(Which was my answer when I was told I would last 5 minutes in Iran by a former professor….the better answer would have been “Well, it would be 5 minutes longer than you would last, Mr. Political Dissident.” ¬† …but that was BEFORE Strattera.)

My husband will be wearing the garter at our wedding under his kilt, and will also likely be tossing the bouquet.  Dead serious.

5. My first interaction with a deity-type figure was actually not Norse- but Inari- The Japanese God of Rice, Fertility, and Foxes. ¬†My totem is the Fox- hence, he claimed I was well under his jurisdiction. ¬†I still eat a diet rich in rice for good fortune, and when I dream of him I’m never human.

His favorite thing to say is “Raven-san*, sometimes it is better to dream of being a fox than to live as a human.” ¬†It’s okay- my fiancee’s first was Kali Durga. ¬†He just posted his experiences last night and I’m incredibly proud of him for it.

6. ¬†I am still technically a Sufi-however, many Islamic sects have recently decided to declare Sufism haram (forbidden) so whether or not I’m still Muslim is up for debate. ¬†I have a lot of ham, pork chops, and hard¬†cider¬†to ask forgiveness for- however, Allah is most forgiving. (Fun fact: actually, according to many translations of the Qu’ran the rule of hospitality and avoiding starvation overrules dietary restrictions) ¬† I see no contradiction between Heathenry and Sufism- for much the same conclusion Eddie drew regarding Kali Durga and Heathenry. (see the link above- if you want a post on why I came to this conclusion, I will write it- I am extraordinarily well researched on both sides)
Both Loki as well as Odin seem to encourage their followers to seek out and understand other traditions. ¬†If the universe was an intramural sports league- Odinsfolk, Lokians and Rokkatru would be the roaming kids whose base lies with Team Heathen- but if another team is short- we get sent out for a time to play for other sides who need our influence….or to bring something back to our communities that solves our current problems. ¬†(IF people will listen to us…, that is)

7. Growing up, my mother was unmedicated bipolar and¬†schizophrenic. ¬†When she was finally diagnosed (in my 20’s), she claimed she “caught” the schizophrenia from my father. ¬†I stopped speaking to her over 10 years ago.

It’s the best decision I ever made- remembering homicide attempts, attempted starvation, beatings, and verbal abuse ain’t my bag, baby.

8. I acted like a human gay pride flag in high school partially to distract from the fact that my home life really, really sucked-see above. ¬†The other reason I did it is so all the other little gay kids would be left alone. I was a human killdeer- distraction works on stupid people. ¬†I got a lot of personal “thank you’s” from many of my fellow students in the years post high school; that part is kinda awesome.
Also, it wasn’t my idea- a guy named Shawn came up with it years before I ever entered high school. ¬†He called it “Alpha-Queer” the theory was if there was one over-the-top gay person all the other kids suspected of being gay would be left alone. ¬†It mostly worked. ¬†As far as my¬†predecessors¬†go: Shawn is now a born again, Damon is still gay, Lori disappeared…and the girl who was picked before it was supposed to be my “turn” ended up going through some crazy shit of her own….so I ended up in track suits and¬†Figaro¬†chains for 2 fucking years. ¬†Outside of school I was a goth. ¬†After me, female bisexuality became trendy (to my¬†disgust-it marginalized true bisexuals so now we use terms like “pansexual” or “non-biased”) so I think “alpha-queer” became¬†unnecessary.

9. I was offered 10 grand when I was 21 to transport LSD from New Hampshire to Philadelphia.  The only reason I did not do it was because I had a dream my best friend at the time got shot in the face by the feds.  Ironically, 3 months later that particular friend and I had a massive falling out and did not speak except to stalk and attack each other online once a year for 7 years.

10. ¬†In college, I had three official tutors in Farsi and spent most of my time with the Baha’i community religiously (because the Heathens I knew became totally Nazitru and the Baha’i’s are largely Iranian diasphora) ¬†The Baha’i religion believes that every religion in the world is legitimate-they completely accept Heathenry with open arms and will raise a horn to any God/Goddess you can imagine if put into a Heathen situation. ¬†The Baha’i faith originated in Persia ¬†I gave talks on Heathenry and quoted the Edda’s and the Hamaval at most gatherings.

I think I may have been the world’s only Heathen diplomat to the Baha’i that I am aware of. ¬† I would still be in touch if I didn’t move two hours away and my weekends were not now filled with Heathen events. ¬† Sadly, they do not believe in facebook OR voting. ¬†The former being the reason for being completely removed except to give polite declines to events via email.

Bonus:
11. I was in the process of being trained to be a diplomat regarding Iran. ¬†I mentioned this is a previous post… ¬†I ~DO~ see Persians/Indians as part of our ancestral cultures, and worthy of our respect….hence why Heathenry is called an INDO-European faith. ¬†Their¬†indigenous¬†traditions prior to Islam are mostly found in the practices of Sufism (which adapted itself to Islam) ¬†and¬†Zoroastrianism(which is considered,¬†arguably, the first monotheistic faith).

Also, ¬†there are some great ancient stories of Inanna and Ereshkegal that mirror Freya and Hela quite nicely (which is actually more native to Northern Iraq- but was part of the Greater Persian empire.) ¬†I do believe in religious parity. (…to the immense frustration of my Jewish ancient near-East prof.)

So, in true Lokian style, I have taken a holiday and turned it upside down and on it’s ear…. I’m not “pranking” anyone- however, we will be dousing a chocolate rabbit in high-proof voodoun cologne and burning it to Loki this evening (Florida-water: ¬†awesome stuff if you can find it…it’s cheap and it can make your fires burn for the duration of an entire ceremony and leave not even ash in its wake….sometimes, new religions and cultures can have some little things to offer too!)

So, now you know a little bit more about me- and have some WTF to think on for the remainder of the day… ¬†Have a spectacular day and remember to leave some candy and a candle burning for the Keeper of the Heathen flames- ¬†our flame-haired diplomat, silver-tongued rogue, and beautiful God of lost children. ¬†Hail Loki Laufeysson- Male, female, Horse, Fox, or Fish- ¬†Worthy of Each horn raised both his name and the name of Odin ūüôā

*Not my name

Screaming at the Gods

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 30, 2013 by Tyrienne
I'm not a fan of Marvel's Loki- but I know the feel in this picture. No idea who the artist is-random tumblr find....

I’m not a fan of Marvel’s Loki- but I know the feel in this picture. No idea who the artist is-random tumblr find..

If there is any theme that runs through my life among people who dislike me it’s been “Be yourself- but not the way you are currently doing it- we hate that.”

I am extraordinarily fortunate that I have found a friend of mine online who can translate contradictory human behavior for me- his name is Steve-¬† I call him “Smart Steve” to differentiate him from the hundreds of Steve’s I have known and have yet to know.¬† If I have a question about why life (and people) seem to be so contradictory, I know I can go on facebook and if Steve is on, he will answer my question;¬† any question.¬† He’s like my own personal cleverbot- but one with an actual consciousness and conscious…. and his best answer of all is “Don’t worry about what people think- they don’t do it very often.”¬† Over the past three days, I knew better than to ask him for help- some part knew he couldn’t help.

So, once again- I had found myself in a borderline abusive situation with an authority figure this week- despite protests from my fiancee, I persisted- it’s what I do.¬† ….and once again, when I could take no more of the abuse, I went to a trusted friend and asked for help.¬† Gods only know if the place was bugged or the asshole in question was in the next room- but the next thing I know I find I am unwelcomed to yet another place, this time a yoga studio- with another man in his mid-40’s making a screaming jackass of himself as I walk away never to return.

Replay: College
Replay: Childhood

There is a certain gnosis I seem to inspire in insecure men that makes me out to be more than I am….I become, like Loki, a demonized figure who is seen not as a human being, but rather as some sort of vengeful wraith created with the sole intention to vex the person in the position of power.¬†¬† This person is someone I actually tried my damnedest to befriend. He was supposed to be a close friend of my fiancee’s.¬† I hand made his family gifts when his child was born, he considered himself a councilor, so I attempted to go¬† to him with my problems- only to find he was horrendous at giving advice.¬† I hugged him when he had all the warmth of a Tegu¬† (Think: unfriendly Gila Monster)

As my teacher, I copied him move for move- only to find that doing so was improper- although I was not informed of this until later.¬†¬† I always assumed that yoga was a sort of “follow-the-leader” sort of activity, and I am in reasonably decent shape from a life lead of moderate to athletic activity…. How was I supposed to know his flourishes and extra moves were meant to “impress” and were not to be emulated?¬† My balance sucks, and my thighs are too large to really pretzel myself all that well…. however, I can do diamond push-ups with the best of the men.

But the last straw was he insulted my religion-¬† Saying he knew more about Heathenry because he spoke Swedish and married a Swede.¬†¬† Well, okay then.¬† I used to be able to speak Spanish enough to get by when I lived in Spain- I suppose this means I should be able to make you a paella¬† from scratch, no?¬† (I can’t- I hate paella)

…and I sat there and I took it.¬† I explained Sweden is 90% atheist and that MY religion comes from a mixture of Latvian and Pennsylvania Dutch traditions.¬† Every answer I gave him angered him.¬† “Look at your ego,” said he ” You have an answer for Everything.”¬† said the man who was yelling at me…who also happened to be the ONLY student to appear for his class that day- in the studio he had informed us several times was the “hippest” in town.¬† (I was only there because my fiancee went there, honestly)

That was three weeks ago-¬† Last week we were kicking up into handstands…and to my own surprise, I made it.¬†¬† Against the wall, supported by only my hands- I amazed myself.¬† I don’t have the greatest balance nor upper arm strength in the world.

The teachers reaction was to scream at the entire class that yoga is not a competition with others, but with the self…. When I was in that handstand, I couldn’t care less what anyone else was doing.¬† It was my hands- and frankly, I did not care for most of the people in the class all that much anyway after one night I was stalled from departing by two women discussing the virtues of $50 gloves.¬† (My gloves are bought as needed from the gas station/Wawa/711 when my hands are cold. 14.99 TOPS.)

So anyway,¬† I was kicked out after I asked a more congenial teacher where else I could find a more open and accepting yoga practice and I explained the behavior of the owner towards me in a non-ad hominem way.¬† Apparently, this is now known as “shit talking.”¬† I came home and lit incense and every candle in the house, completely wrecked.¬† The next 2 days after, my fiancee continued the practice.

Flash back and forward, my fiancee asked me to leave this studio when I was first torn down months before-¬† but I stayed.¬† Why?¬† Because this man was my fiancee’s friend.¬† In fact, when said man asked what I wanted from him- I answered “friendship”.¬† To which, he responded “I have no friends, I don’t ‘hang out’ with students”

I replied “I don’t think my fiancee would take that news so well, and it sounds like you live a very lonely life.”

His reply was LIVID….and I can’t remember the exact words, but I remember the anger…and I remember his pride in saying he didn’t tell anyone anything about his life- he just made people think he did.¬† It struck me as weird as fuck.

Flashbacks after flashbacks, after flashbacks.  the past 3 day have been hell on my psyche.  I have PTSD- and when I am accosted all I can conclude is *I* am the problem.

…I don’t see that a man in his mid 40’s made an ass out of himself, practically foaming at the mouth as he screamed at me outside of the yoga school- after a class he was not even teaching.¬†¬† Only now am I coming back into myself and into the reality where I am not blaming myself for everything negative in my life.

Yesterday, I was even screaming at Loki¬† for letting me down- He promised I wouldn’t be hurt again, and there I was hurting and not knowing what I did wrong.¬† I was told to be myself, but apparently, being myself is “weird”.¬†¬† According to this self-made yoga guru I am allegedly more “Myself” when I indulge in the idea that I have a chronic illness and find myself in an endless mind-trap that allows for absolutely no joy- but instead unanswerable hypothetical questions no one can answer for me…. that was the only answer of “self” that human accepted of me

“Why did this happen?¬† What did I do wrong?¬†¬† All I did was ask for help!¬† Why am I hurting?¬† Why isn’t the hurting going away?¬† Why does it feel like nothing is getting better no matter what I do or think?”¬† The runes made no sense to me, I felt no deeper sense of connection to the universe, I felt adrift, alone, and frightened that my life as I knew it was ruined.

At which point I took 30mg of Buspar, 300 mg of Seroquel, and 140mg of Valium—– only to fall asleep for 2 entire hours uninterrupted in the middle of the day.¬† (Yes, those are the correct doses- I am extraordinarily high tolerances to everything since I had severe gynecological problems prior to my hysterectomy that required high doses of Vicodan and Dilaudid to control.)

…and here I still am.¬† Without knowing the extent of my inner torment, my fiancee first bought me iris’s, then he bought be roses…and then, an aloe plant…his dad even sent me an encouraging text message even though I tried my hardest not to look like anything was wrong with me in front of them.¬† So when my mind was finished with it’s uncontrolled cycle of pain and insanity I realized that there is nothing that a balding 40-something man with no college degree, and no “friends” can say to him or me that will affect our lives together.¬†¬† The balding guru said yoga can cure cancer, I have seen him with the flu.

I guess yoga only works on the big stuff.

I had flashbacks of college- of my Sufi professor writing incensed emails when I would finally break from under the strain of his alternate neglect and abuse and ask for help….and he would break me- painfully, with his alternation of words, neglect, and gas-lighting.

…and in asking for help- I became the antagonist.¬†¬† For the past three days I could not tell really where I was anymore-¬† Was this Reading, Pa-¬† or was I back in Moravian dealing with someone I loved who was incapable of loving except when I did exactly as I was told regardless of the personal cost?

Then, this morning, I woke up-¬† the flashbacks had stopped.¬† I wasn’t thinking of the yoga studio or Moravian college.¬†¬† I was here, in bed, with my beautiful fiancee who still loves me.¬†¬† I still had text messages from the other teacher at the yoga school from the other day where he spent paragraphs writing to me about comic books to make me feel better. I had friends and Ed’s family who cared for me.¬† I felt like I had finally escaped one negative illusion that seemed inescapable back to reality.¬† I felt sad, the sense of loss and confusion still- but I did not have the images of the past assaulting my emotions any longer.

I spent three days terrified of that man telling my fiancee lies—-only to learn that in the end, my fiancee loves me enough to not care what ANYONE has to say about me.¬† That man was not the same man at my college who did, indeed, do that very thing to everyone we mutually knew.

To his credit, the yoga-guru guy said nothing to my fiancee whatsoever.

I don’t really remember much, but at my worst, when I was in such deep pain I was difficult to be around- my fiancee excused himself to go out and buy me flowers.¬†¬† I can now look around my apartment and see evidence of love everywhere, which would not have been so if the chaos did not occur.

Do I want anything like this to happen again: ABSOLUTELY NOT! But, we survived it, and Ed’s still asleep peacefully with his hand on my leg and his other hand at my hip.¬†¬† My PTSD is likely not going to disappear soon, and all the wishing in the world will not make it go away—but now I have the reassurance that even at my worst, my love and the best parts of my life will not disappear forever when I get lost in my flashbacks.

In my opinion, Loki is not a God of chaos- but rather the one who understands it.¬† Loki’s actions are premeditated, and even in the worst case scenario, when it seems like nothing will ever return to normal again;¬† a Lokian will find things to be better than they were in the first place when the dust settles.

As for yelling at Loki as a Lokian?¬† Of all the Gods of the pantheon-¬† He and Odin would be the most used to it…..and Loki, the most forgiving considering people yell at him for far worse things all the time.¬†¬† He doesn’t lash back, He doesn’t fight, He might say a cutting remark at worst, but mostly, He weathers all storms and keeps His promises….and from my best estimation- understands instead of making things worse.

When I was destroyed by my experience in college He promised I wouldn’t be hurt again….¬† I have PTSD.¬† He said nothing about being able to take away the pain of remembering or being reminded of my past.¬†¬† The pain I felt this weeks wasn’t a new thing- it was a reminder of an old situation, and out of that situation, once I was sane and stable- Loki gave me a rose to let me know I would be protected so I would not be left alone again.¬† Now, in this particular situation¬† I look around me and I see a vase full of Irises in my favorite blue, a aloe plant, and an entire miniature rose bush filled with bright red rosebuds….and I realize that I am going to be all right.

Furthermore, all I want to do is just hold my fiancee and give him anything and everything I can for the rest of my life, because I love him, he deserves it, and out of all the gifts I have been given by the Gods- my fiancee is the very best of them all.

…and maybe next time I’ll be bright enough to listen when Ed tells me I need to save myself and go elsewhere if where I am doesn’t fit.¬†¬† In fact, I think this week I might even have the courage to ask for a new therapist.¬† My previous one who helped immensely does not take my insurance, but my new one has done me no favors.

A good therapist is better than any yoga studio anyway- and covered by insurance.¬† I’m sure the $85 I’m saving can be put to better use elsewhere.

I can now think clearly again, I didn’t need to ask more questions that had no answers.¬† The episode is over.(…but now I’m out of Valium.)¬† From the place where we bought the aloe plant we picked up a few tootsie rolls to put at the feet of Loki-¬†¬† a thank you for the end of madness.

“His Demand”- Reblogged post

Posted in Uncategorized on March 22, 2013 by Tyrienne
From Deviantart: The name is in the blade...

From http://wantstobelieve.tumblr.com ¬† The name is in the blade…¬†

 

 

 

 

Please read this amazing post regarding one woman’s personal experience with Dear Loki- it mirrors my own in so many ways I felt incredibly moved in reading it.

His Demand.

Also, if you are a Troth member, please make sure to read the newest issue of ‚ÄúIdunna‚ÄĚ magazine for the conclusion to the three-part article of the origins of Loki and Loki-woshiip. One word: Glorious. Well researched, well written, and the UPG matches up with what I, and many others have felt- Loki as a God of the Hearth fire, protector of children, and the one who shines light onto problems and brings them into the forefront to be dealt with where others lack the courage! Dagaz and Os.

Hail to you, beloved flame haired, brightest scholar, and fire-tender!

Pax Deorum

Posted in Uncategorized on March 19, 2013 by Tyrienne

Balder-norse-mythology-17860246-450-450‚ÄúPeace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.‚ÄĚ- Albert Einstein

….Or do you prefer: “Si vis pacem, para bellum” Publius Flavius Vegetius Renatus,¬† (If you want peace, prepare for war- this is meant to intend that if the “enemy” knows you are combat ready, they will not attack)

So, it’s been a week.¬† A rough one- and I would like to ask my readership who have decided to turn against myself and my fiancee to look through this blog, with a fine tooth comb, and attempt to find anything that indicates that there is a wish for anything other than a united Heathen community.

I am part Rokkatru, as are many who read this- we lead normal lives, I know of writers, lawyers, hairdressers, carnival workers, teachers, machinists, managers, blue collar and white collar who worship Gods that some people do not like. But also, all these same people who are disliked for not “keeping in line” and worshiping all the same as the others- are NOT denying or against the rest of the Norse pantheon- instead, they happen to live with a different understanding and interpretation which varies from person to person why additional Deities, Spirits, and Ancestors deserve their due.

I have a question:  Did Jotnar or the Rokkr directly harm you in any way, and if so, how did these deities do so?

When working with religions, personal UPG’s can be tricky.¬† There is constant back and forth bickering which will NEVER be resolved in any satisfactory way for any side regarding lore and the “ancient ways” of Heathenry.¬† First of all, I would like you to take a 3000 piece puzzle, take out three random pieces, and destroy the rest.¬† Now- take those three remaining puzzle pieces and expose them to the elements for a month.¬† After the month is over, invite over a stranger and ask them to draw for you from those three wet, molded puzzle pieces what the entire picture was meant to be.¬† The point is, it is impossible.¬†¬† Even with Lore- we are looking at rules, traditions and customs that are often irrelevant to our current lives.¬†¬† A freak snowstorm which is a minor inconvenience in 2013 could kill an entire community in 500 C.E. if they were unprepared. We have UPG vs. UPG here and people declaring enemies of others because of some assessment that while the people they declare to be enemies worship the same Gods, they are wrong/evil/dangerous because they worship some different ones as well.¬† They are AFRAID of the potential of conflict, so instead of standing true with Honor- they make a great show out of nonacceptance and non-hospitality.

Is it some Lokian trick that every Lokian I know want peace in the community?  But yet, we are met with violent rejection- those perpetuating such rejection are breaking the peace themselves, then in turn, gaslighting those whom they do not wish to understand.

I do not believe any of us have come running through your homes naked bearing a torch, and asking you to convert to worshiping Loki.  We have not sacrificed your pets, caused your miscarriages, or soured your milk.

The vital thing being missed in this whole Rokkr vs. Non-Rokkr conflict is that we are all individual human beings arguing over basically what amounts to stories, nothing more, nothing less.

No violence has been perpetuated against any person that I know of within the community over belief outside of verbal insults.
No theft or other crime has occurred to make one group more trustworthy, frithful, or more “correct” than the other.

Welcome to the year 2013-¬† the “old ways” are certainly fascinating, and we may learn much from them- however, also keep in mind that each individual is walking their own path, and essentially, creating their own spirituality and religion within them which then can be compared and contrasted with the rest of the community.

Allow me to start with some standard points many can agree on, the Noble Virtues:  (and even these are in depute by scholars)

  1. Courage
  2. Truth
  3. Honor
  4. Fidelity
  5. Discipline
  6. Hospitality
  7. Self Reliance
  8. Industriousness
  9. Perseverance

I believe that every Rokkr I am aware of has lived these virtues, and I would like to challenge anyone who is reading this to inform myself as well as my fiancee what, exactly, of these virtues we have broken.¬† We refuse to lie about to which Ancestors we give our respect and tribute to, we have stood courageously against differing points of view.¬† We do not lie nor cheat, we open our homes to strangers for ritual every single month (If you are in Pennsylvania or neighboring states, feel free to join our open hall page:¬† Freyja’s Hall)¬† (Don’t worry, we are not a kindred and never plan on becoming one.) ¬† When people who wish to attend our rituals and cannot, we do our best to contribute what we can in the way of gas money, picking people up from bus stations, or arranging carpools.¬† Despite many voices screaming against us, our Gods, and our choices- we perservere.¬† Why?¬† Because our hall is home to several people who would not have a place to worship otherwise.¬† Furthermore- notice our hall is called “FREYJA’S Hall,¬† Not Surtr, not Angrboda-¬† We worship the Aesir, Vanir, and in personal practice, some of the Rokkr

….and here I am, on SSD, writing these blog posts to try and unite the community, promote greater understanding, and striving to find common ground throughout the entirety of the community.¬†¬† I don’t care what color you are, what you believe, if you are racist or non racist-¬† I welcome you.¬† The only way I would not welcome you is if you deliberately went out of your way to cause me personal harm or I have seen you promote harm or harm others with my own eyes.

Name calling, insult flinging, and infighting are not mature, adult ways of conduct- nor is public disownment of who you once considered friends simply over a difference of opinion.

If your friend physically harmed you, stole from you, lied to you, deceived you, or was hurtful to you- then by all means, please state your case as to why.¬† I truly do not wish to believe that humans crave such conflict that they are willing to label an entire group of diverse individuals as “The enemy”.¬†¬† Do you not see what you are doing?¬† Do you not understand the fallacy of logic that occurs when people are not taken on individual merit but instead, characterized without a fair assessment of their actions?¬†¬† What is dishonorable about worshiping the Jotuns, the Rokkr, Loki, Hela, Jormangandr, et all-¬† does it effect anything at all in your personal life?

There is the claim that worshiping such deities “brings strife” or “harms energy”….but really, doesn’t it bring MORE strife to reject people who have honest and sincere UPG experiences who do worship them?¬† Would you prefer a lie?

Lying is ultimately dishonorable, without question…and I do not engage in it.

Without an oscilloscope or other electromagnetic equipment, it is rather difficult to assess that a single person who acts honorably otherwise, yet worships and uncommon deity suddenly renders them as “toxic” to the community….not unless, the community decides that this is to be so.

I want proof that ideas are harmful.  I want proof that excluding people with differing points of view leads to peace instead of further strife.  Prove to me that mind numbing arguments over stories written centuries ago creates frith and peace.

You cannot….because it cannot happen.¬† What NEEDS to happen is the acceptance of the common ground.¬† The commonality of the raised horn in Odin’s honor- what matters beyond that?¬†¬† To claim that shunning, insulting, and arguing with those you do not agree with fruitful and productive to the community at large is ludicrous because each person has come to their personal understandings through (likely) an equal amount of thought and research as yourself.

There is a big world out there- and plenty of room for all people to share a horn on the common grounds of our ancestry and basic beliefs. If the argument is that we worship “The enemies of the Gods”-¬† then allow the Gods to judge us for it.¬† I find it presumptuous to judge any human being without knowing them first, and I certainly cannot claim to know the entirety of the will of the Gods, nor can anyone else!

So, to be frank….this infighting is disgusting, ridiculous, and petty.

Please, in the name of Baldr, the God of peace, stop.¬† Stop creating perpetuating divisions among our community- stop disowning people, stop insulting those who you cannot agree with.¬† If you do not like someone, then choose to not interact with them, please do not create a dramatic disturbance declaring them “unfit”.¬†¬† I have only personally blocked people who have resorted to ad hominem attacks on my person- and I will never make any person “choose sides”.

To me, where I am standing, there is no war, there is no great crisis, there is no jihad, struggle, Ragnarok, or force any worse than the divisions I am seeing being intentionally created around us.   The way to fix this is to just stop, realize there are real, live humans on the other side of the screen- people with lives, loved ones, and devout religious practices in most cases.

When you exclude a single human being from a group on account of a label, you are part of the problem, part of the division, and part of the strife.  Loki has nothing to do with this.

-I have witnessed a person decide not to attend a Heathen event because a black man was also attending:  He was half German.
-I have witnessed people being threatened with violence for studying cultures outside of Europe.
-I have witnessed people passing judgement on others by pure conjecture and rumor rather than personal interactions.
-I have witnessed name calling, harassment, and stalking by allegid “Community members in good standing” who wished to intimidate the opposing point of view into submission.

Making someone cry does not make them renounce their Gods.¬† Yelling with a louder voice does not make your point of view more accurate than anyone else’s.¬†¬† Your accomplishments, degrees, age, religious achievements, trophies or any other form of distinction do NOT make you more important than a child who has none of these things in the eyes of the Gods- for we are all cared for by our ancestors by the fruit we bear in our labors.¬†¬† All the college degrees and religious recognition in the world mean nothing if you close your mind and your hearts to other heathens without good, solid reason that the individual has caused you personal harm.

Heathens unanimously are known for not bowing before anyone, Gods included.¬† We stand as we raise the horn- perhaps even sit- but we prostrate ourselves before no man and no woman….however, we do have the option to sacrifice our selves, for the higher good.

In this blog, I have sacrificed part of my privacy and part of my right to live in an uncontested, peaceful existence….and I believe it to be honorable.¬† I encourage you to reach out to racists, to neo-nazi’s, to Lokians, to the ill, to the misunderstood, to the poor, other races, the LBGTQ, and those of other traditions.¬† We have much to learn from every tradition on Earth, not just our own by the by.

So, this is all I have to offer everyone: a declaration of ceasefire.  We are not firing on you.  We are simply standing our ground while taking bullets to the chest.  To claim that we are harming you by not falling into line is insane, to think that we will simply give up our beliefs because of human pressure is to deny the power of the Gods themselves:  If a single human can sway an opinion on how to worship a God- then that God is unworthy of worship.

For a single human to claim that a God is unworthy of worship, is to risk angering that God- it has no bearing whatsoever on the UPG of the person targeted at all.

So, in closing….I raise a symbolic horn to Baldr and break bread with all of you.¬† I ask those who have been dishonorable to account for their actions, for those who lie- to learn the courage to tell the truth.¬†If you lack discipline, find practice; I ask the unfaithful to be be faithful and hold themselves accountable for their lapses, the lazy to find purpose, For the fearful to find courage, and for the discouraged to persevere.¬† – and if you are afraid to be self-reliant, I challenge you to set forth on your own two feet and start your journeys forward alone, may the God’s favor be with you.

Lastly, I ask the Inhospitable to widely open your doors- for you never know when Odin may come knocking with his tattered clothes-  and Shapeshifting He, He just might wear the face of those you fear or claim to loathe most.

“The Tyrian Heathen”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 16, 2013 by Tyrienne
tyr_and_fenris_sketch_by_meredyth-d4jjksd

Tyr and Fenrir.
By meredyth.deviantart.com.

Perspectives- each one of us has at least one, some of us are cursed/blessed to see two or even several at any given time, in any given situation.

Over the past week I pretty much had this post planned out, I had intended to copy 6 quotes total by people of great fame:
Three of those quotes were to be shallow, petty minded, and perhaps even could be construed as evil.  But easily agreed upon to be negative and unwise.

The other three- thought provoking, poignant, and easily agreed upon as wisdom.

However, the quotes I found from Gandhi, Ayn Rand, Charles Manson, Machiavelli,  to Mother Theresa could be taken in multiple contexts making the task I intended impossible.

The trick to this was to prove that categorizing even single individuals as wholly “good” or entirely irreverent or “negative” is impossible- therefore, even less possible to accurately do so for an entire community… another reason why it has taken so long to write this post since the last one.¬† Despite not even one ad hominem attack being expressed on any forum, I have been the recipient of many- mostly, from “Well-respected members of the community.”¬†¬† When I see anyone resort to name calling, I make the decision as a former Philosophy major that if they must resort to that particular logical fallacy (The Fallacy of Ad Hominem Attack) that rational, adult discourse has already departed from the conversation, and since I hold myself to the standard of attempting to never disrespect another human in such a way myself, I block the offenders; there are several reasons for this- ones that I would waste my time discussing as people get hung up on details like Fenrir with Tyr’s hand.

See, there is one major component to these blogs that I believe I have lacked to make clear about myself; in each of these instances- where I was attacked, run out, accused of mayhem when clearly the diatribes against Lokians were the most vehement, most volatile, and spoken from very narrow stances (some, not all of course-  there were also some very rational, clear, and wise words spoken by those on all sides as well)  I was run out because I was Lokian. I was as polite as I could manage (which was difficult), but I would not fall into line and deny Loki as anything less than legitimately benevolent. I spoke necessary truths in my last blog post that others did not wish to face.  Nothing more, nothing less.

“Lokian” is a buzzword that holds similar measure to the word “Colored” in the earlier parts of the last few centuries in the United States-¬† A word that is meant to imply savagery and incivility- in both cases used often derogatorily and inaccurately in intention.

One small problem with this assumption.¬† I have two patrons, not one…and in fact, I am not sworn to Loki to improve the reputation of Him and his kin, but Tyr.¬† To three separate kindreds, no less…and it was adamently presented to me by Tyr, not Loki, to continue in the work that I do- especially in writing this blog…and it was pointed out by a man I respect deeply that I write more like a Tyrian than a Lokian, which would make sense:

I am Tyrian.
I am also Lokian.

To try to divide this in me would be the same as asking an artist to divide purple sculpting clay back into its original red and blue components- to undo a human by asking the original sperm and egg to separate and part ways.¬†¬†¬† A few weeks ago it was brought to my attention that there are very few Tyrians in the Asatru/Heathen community.¬† Thorsmen abound a plenty, as do Odinsmen, Freyjaswomen, those to Hel, and those to Loki…even the occasional Baldrsperson or Friggsman.¬†¬† Little heard are the people dedicated to the others, Freyr, Bragi, Vali, Vidarr, Idunna (barring Discordianism- but that is an entirely different post) Kvasir, Berchta, Eir, or anyone else of the Aesir, Vanir, or other demigods of the pantheon.

On occasion I hold the mental image of Thor and Loki sitting at a bar in Asgard drinking away their frustration to those who hail their names completely ignorant of their actual natures.¬†¬† How can Loki represent Chaos when every action ever recorded demonstrates extraordinary thought, planning, and cleverness?¬† How can someone Hail Thor as an enemy of Loki when without our flame-haired one there would be no mjollner twice over?¬† (As it was forged by Loki’s bidding, and returned by Loki’s cleverness when stolen)¬† I have been told I should attempt to raise a horn to Thor sometime, to get to know him better- and we would love to chat, yet in my own flaws knowing that the people who have hurt me the very most within the community have almost unanimously been Thorsman.¬†¬† I mentioned in the first post I have enough PTSD to collect SSD, so my reticence is understood.

What is not understood is that I also live essentially as an agoraphobic, easily wounded, and I am a failure out of an Iranian diplomacy program- broken primarily at this point by a several hour long interrogation by my own government after my Master’s program in Persian Linguistics lost all federal funding after Arab Spring did not coil and move forward as far as was wished.

The Iranian Green movement, to overthrow the current government of Iran in favor of a benevolent democracy-of which most of myPersian professors and tutors were ardent supporters fell unexpectedly flat.  This, leaving me with three years of training in Iranian culture, language, history, and politics all for nothing.   I am a failed diplomat- and the experience left me so entirely wounded in soul and mind (in addition to prior traumas) that I decided to dedicate my life entirely to my religion; which was actually my very first intention when I decided to attend a college with an attached seminary.

There are runes carved into the temples of Persopolis, and I now know with sadness I will never see them, nor will I see Tehran where the Sufi sing poetry in the streets at night under the shadow of Mount Damavand.¬†¬† Persia was one of the most ancient of our allies, and from their scholars we have much of our ancient history.¬† The debt that our pre-Christian faiths of Europe owe Persian scholars is without price.¬† The word “Aryan” is a cognate of the word “Iran”.¬† The word “Caucasian” refers to the Caucus mountain range which runs through Russia, Georgia, Azerbaijan, Turkey, and finally- Iran.

My first wish was to become a chaplain for minority faiths, including the faiths of my ancestors.

Which where I am back today.

In addition to this blog I also co-run a free hall in the name of Freyja with my spouse- where all are invited to share and observe our rituals as Heathens….¬† And not exclusively to the Rokkr,¬† in fact, most of our blots and fainings are dedicated to commonly accepted deities: Skadi, Ullr, Freyja, Idunna, Freyr- in addition to Hel and Loki.¬† For the record also, my spouse also is fortunate enough to be duel dedicated:¬†¬† Hel/Freyr.¬†¬† My maternal grandmother seems to be a Freyrswoman in the Latvian “Janis” sense-¬† our wedding is planned for Freyfaxi and she was a little upset that I did not choose the Latvian date of June 24th rather than July 28th¬† (When I explained my fiancee was Swedish, it was quickly forgiven ūüôā )¬† …Her husband, my grandfather deceased who serves as frequent inspiration, demonstrated many marks of a Tyrsman.¬† Quietness, intelligence, and a strict sense of what is just from unjust- in addition to uncanny knack for adaptability, sacrifice, and survival as a military man employed by multiple governments as well as a unquenchable thirst for spirituality.

What I am trying to tell you is this.¬† Individuals who make the difficult decision to put themselves forward with an unpopular point of view are often more complicated than one would like to categorize or even suspect and may be sacrificing more of themselves to their causes then you would suspect.¬† I suspect should I have titled this blog with the title “The Tyrian Heathen” I would have garnered much more respect from the community and my words would be taken much more seriously- however, it would be disingenuous of me and it goes against the oaths I have made in Tyr’s name to Loki and incredibly deceptive.

Loki, the God of scapegoats, the God of the misunderstood, and the God of intellect-¬† Intellect being a trait which is often demonized as either “ego” or marginalized if it goes against the flow of the status quo.¬† There is a reason why Loki chose to shape-shift into a Salmon- he goes against the current- offers perspectives not otherwise considered, and despite every Snorri-based argument, it cannot be disputed that Odin shared His own blood with Loki in brotherhood- and spoke clearly that each horn raised to one is raised to both the All-Father and the Silver-tongued.

In many ways, Loki and Tyr share many similar attributes- both appearing as intelligent, sacrificial figures to the highest betterment of their community and kin.¬† (I can’t imagine making love to a horse being particularly enjoyable- nor the incident with the goat being painless.)

I have seen my share of arguments of history of worship, translations, and differing cultural traditions from everywhere from France, to Iceland,  to Latvia among all others from Scandinavia to the entirety of the Teutonic/Saxon regions of the mainland of Europe.  But in this, is the sense of direct connection to our Gods lost in mindless arguments over ancient particulars?

But what happens to you when you dedicate your mind, soul, and time to research of the past and ignore the present?  At Present, Diplomacy is a sorely needed skill the world over, not brute force.  The time has passed where we can solve all arguments by fights to the death and compensating the losing families.

“The best victory is the battle never fought.”-¬† Sun Tzu, “The Art of War.”
I have had kept this book as bathroom reading for years- and countless times it has been stolen and I have not minded the loss knowing the loss of the book could lead the thief to greater wisdom.

…and yet, here I am.¬†¬† Undaunted.¬† Still writing this damned blog, and I will continue to do so as long as I am given the words to speak and the will to write them down for you to read.¬† But understand that there is a human behind every keystroke- and this human is not just a Lokian, but also mentored by the ancient king Tyr himself; who predates Odin by centuries.¬† The God of war, justice, and sacrifice… and in some Heathen traditions (particularly in Germany) still sits in the Grand Throne as the metaphorical Arthur to Odin’s Merlin.

I am not making any demands for your respect, your time, or your opinions…. I am writing this because I have to: I am oath bound to keep my hand extended out into the jaws of the internet.¬†¬† Fenrir was a friendly youth once- and it was only Tyr he trusted in the end with the final binding.¬† Their relationship is more complicated than one of soldier verses beast.¬† Fenrir Lokisson, Son of a shapeshifter- no doubt closer to intelligence to human than beast considering his parentage- and in Justice, it was Tyr who falls to Garm, another wolf, cousin of the one he betrayed.

Could the king of all warriors be felled so easily by a wolf?  Or did he accept his fate and allow himself to fall?

One more question:¬† If Ragnorak has already occurred, than what ARE our Gods to us?¬† Why do they continue to inspire us and interact if they are allegedly dead and long gone?¬† How can we explain the UPG’s of the Aesir chosen- Thorsman, Odinswomen, and Lokians?¬† Or is Ragnorak simply a metaphor that we are meant to decipher in the greater context of the universe:¬† That Death is not an ending, but a temporary state of conditions….illusionary and comforting that nothing created is ever truly lost.

First law of Thermodynamics: Energy/Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only change forms.

My undergraduate thesis was on the physics of time theory in relation to mystical experience: long story short- it has been concluded by the physicist, the philosophers, and the theologians that time, as we know it, does not exist in the manner in which we perceive it- but rather- it is an a priori sense that allows our human minds to comprehend and grasp reality in small intervals.

The Sufi and the Buddhist would say that nothing exists but the present moment… both pulling from a source that allegedly contains all knowledge that ever existed- that runs above, below, and through all things- and yet remains tantalizingly separate enough it is worth losing an eye for, or to hang for days from a tree to even grasp the barest understanding of that golden thread throughout all that is.

One last thought: When I created this blog, I was not aware that “Asatru” is the name of the reconstruction movement in Heathenry-¬† which means, technically, I am not an Asatuar since both sides of my family had their part in bringing me up in the old ways to the best they were able.

However, I like the ring of “The Lokian Asatuar”- and have no plans to change a thing…¬† and if I am successful in helping even one Lokian feel less isolated, move one mind to think in a new direction, or inspire a single person to write their own thoughts intelligently and with honor than I feel successful in this endeavor.

Since I seem to be “blacklisted” from most facebook forums, if you gained anything from this post, please feel free to share the link as freely as you desire.

Rumor has it… Rokkatru and the World at Large.

Posted in Uncategorized on March 7, 2013 by Tyrienne
Hela: facepalms at your ignorance and shenanigans.  (Artist Susan Boulet)

Hela: facepalms at your ignorance and shenanigans. (Artist Susan Boulet)

…So, I have heard a rumor that to be Lokian in the AFA is to expect be “Blacklisted” by the community at large, this, from an acquaintance who found that folkbuilder who had once committed to perform his wedding rite backed out in order to visit Scandinavia instead.¬†¬† Luckily, for this gentleman I was able to procure a list of names of Heathen/Asatru/Urglaawe clergy whom I have met in person/spoken to online who are wedding experienced and hold no such reservations towards Lokians or Rokkatuars in general (“Rokkr” meaning one who worships the “less fluffy” of the Gods, I suppose)

Up until recently, my fiancee and I have been keeping an eye on the larger communities of the the AFA and The Troth.   We also founded the only open hall in Pennsylvania (as far as we are aware) and run monthly rituals from our apartment to various Gods and Goddesses of Norse origin- and not just the Rokkr- We successfully held a blot to Freyja last week with 19 revelers in our small one bedroom apartment-  the month prior, a blot to Skadi and Ullr- and before then, an October 13th event to my future husbands patroness, Hela.

So. The issues I am hearing are as follows:

1.¬† There is questionable evidence that the Rokkr (“dark” Norse/Germanic deities) were ever worshiped.

Answer:  Frankly, to those of us who worship and accept those such a Loki and his kin into our lives, this is a non-issue.   We worship him now, regardless of what is, has, or has not been in the past.   The Gods to most of us are not abstract concepts of which we simply devout mild intellectual speculation into- but rather- these entities come to us as our Patrons, our Friends, our Aid and Ancestors.

2.¬† If we do not give into the Lokians/Rokkratru they will simply go away…

Too many in the community believe that by simply closing one’s eyes and being unwelcoming will be enough to convince those who do not agree with them to “change sides” or go away entirely.¬† Whether it be racists or Lokians-¬† Militia or Convicts, the aspects of the Heathen/Asatru community that you choose to ignore are not going to disappear simply because you will it.¬† Nor will the most vocal of any “undesirable” heathen group be silenced by the disapproval of some, or even most.¬†¬† This is our religion, these are Our Gods.¬† You may choose not to welcome any person into your group, home, or life- but no human, even Mr. McNallen, Ms. Paxton, or any other organization leader, can decide who is or is not Heathen by how they choose to express their beliefs and their personal UPG’s on the practice.¬†¬† Just as there are hundreds of different forms of Christianity, Islam, and Buddhism-¬† our pre-Christian religions also take on a myriad of expressions from Baltic to Pictish-¬† Each culture, family, and individual creating their own thread in the greater tapestry that is Heathenry.¬†¬† Like it or not, we are apart of you….and frankly, many of us are shamed by the actions of the community of large as of late.

3.  If one is an AFA member (or member of any other larger organization), you have a duty to defend the organization.

This is where I fucked up.¬† This is entirely FALSE.¬†¬† As what is supposed to be a supportive overreaching and hospitable organization for preserving Folkish traditions, it should rest on the shoulders of those of high position within the AFA to defend and recognize the rights of the members who make up their constituents.¬† I will go back again to the written statement of blood-brotherhood to to each horn lifted to Wotan it is also so for Loki.¬† But yet, where some of the AFA in private will give Loki his due as true Aesir, and even go as far as to accept hails to Hela, His benevolent daughter- they publicly have chosen the stance that a Lokian is a second class citizen in their organization- to hail Him is to “hail chaos”.¬† Which, is simply based on no more or less substantial UPG’s than the Rokkatru ourselves.

What I have to say to all of you is this:¬†¬† Freyja’s Hall remains open to all who wish to worship with us-¬† So long as you remain within good Frith of my husband and I feel free to join on our facebook page.¬† We hold monthly rune studies as well as around one public ritual per month- despite my wishes otherwise, we understand the weekend closest to Loki’s day, April 1st, is also Easter weekend for the Christians, so our Lokiblot has been moved to April 6th.¬† But otherwise, as the weather grows warmer, we will be moving our practice outdoors into one of the many beautiful locations in Berks County, Pa each month for you and your families to join us in our potluck celebrations to the Gods…. including a pig-roast feast on July 28th for Freyfaxi

Edward and I are obviously the penultimate, sneaky, devilish sort of Rokkr’s you could imagine-¬† by opening our lives and our home to the greater community with little reservation it seems we have become the antithesis of the greater Heathen/Asatru community at large- we actually give a damn about hospitality, frith, and building a stronger community by bringing people together regardless of belief, patron, race, or any of that crap that seems to tangle other people up and rile them up oh-so-much.¬†¬† Racist?¬† We don’t give a damn if you’re racist-¬† If you can hold a horn with sincerity in honor of Odin you are welcome at our table, same for cops, criminals, military, liberals, conservatives, gun owners, gay, straight, trans, caucasion, non-caucasion, and pacifists.

Frankly, all we care about is your sincerity regarding your religion and spirituality….(and secondly, if you bring something tasty to the potluck that’s lovely as well…:)

When we visit other groups, we abide by their rules without complaint-¬† if we wanted to change a damned thing, we would not continue to go and visit the folks we do.¬† We visit both affiliated and unaffiliated groups….and strangest thing of all, out of all the places we travel, there is only one group the expressly forbids us from hailing Loki.

Us Blacklisted?  Hardly.  Other Lokians and Rokkatru please rest assured that you are in good company within the greater Heathen community.  This may not be the case for the public organizations- however, realize that in your participation and willingness to come to the horn with good faith YOU are creating this community- this community is not defined by branches of organizations- but rather, by the tiny roots that form between each individual each time you connect with another Heathen-  Our community springs first from our families then extends outwards to our friends, kindreds, acquaintances- and then finally outwards to the expressions of larger organizations.  The larger organizations CANNOT define all of us; the entirety of our experiences, upbringings, oral traditions, and research.   If there is not a community near you- clean your damned house and make one- open your homes and your lives to the virtue of Hospitality, and you will not drink to the Gods in loneliness.

We as individuals define ourselves- and in our honesty, the Gods bless us by surrounding us with the folk, different for each individual, who are right for forwarding our spiritual growth and potential.

In closing doors, and cursing the darkness- you curse yourselves, not us.

We are not a kindred…. and We will not run one.¬†¬† But I’ll be damned if we aren’t being the exact opposite of exclusionist.¬† I suppose if we are to be branded as rebels against the greater community- this is the way in which I remain proud to continue.

Outside of Freyja’s hall we have our own personal, private practices- kindreds we visit, good friends, hallowings, blots, and functions we are invited to almost every single weekend.¬†¬† Not too bad for having the “wrong” patrons.¬†¬† We do not lack for friends, this blog does not lack for followers.

However, when we next see those to whom my other half and I refer to as our personal brothers and sisters and sacrifice to the bonfire- the first thing to go is our AFA cards in addition to our cash.¬† The extra $70 a year will go towards perhaps renting out a larger space next winter the next turn of the wheel so we may fit even more comfortably to shout “Hail!” and feast to the Gods with our fellow heathens.

Rokkatru:¬† We are truly nothing but trouble….¬† We are just too damned honest and welcoming and it just makes anything less than true hospitality seem meager in comparison.
Hail Loki, guide through chaos, magician, friend, and genius.¬† Hail fire-tender, light bringer and Wotan’s brother-by-oath.

May I do honor to your reputation by and for the justice of Tyr.

Lost by Intention.

Posted in Uncategorized on February 25, 2013 by Tyrienne

FireThe worst genocides are the ones we have never been made aware of.

There are people, cultures, and voices that are not remembered in history, but rather in the dreams of men their echos are still heard.

Those of the old blood, dying races still call to each other across the expanse of space and time; their souls cry for recognition, and perhaps, retribution.

In the evening of their existence, those few who remain piece together their shattered histories and still attempt to sing the ancient songs though no one can recall the meanings of the words they intone.

They are the lost and forgotten; the beautiful strangers, the good people, the fair people, those of the wilds and of the wood. The plow and the sword- and their grand-children’s spirits continue to die by inches by the same forces that destroyed their entire ancestry.

A random poem I wrote sometime around 2009 and just found in an old journal.

Why Racism is Both Ignorant and Pointless

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on February 11, 2013 by Tyrienne
Loki is watching:  This post will likely piss some of you off :)  (artwork by Destinyfall @ Deviantart)

Loki is watching: This post will likely piss some of you off ūüôā
** Artwork by *Destinyfall on deviantart.com**

First, before anything further is said, I would like to state that I not writing this blog on a timetable;  I only write when I know there is something worthwhile to share with the community and also that I can articulate this need in such a way that it will as anti-divisive as possible.   Heathenry/Asatru are terms for a large umbrella of faiths loosely connected by geographic location of origin as well as similar folk traditions, Gods, and oral/written histories.

However, with this being said; throughout all recesses of our community, there is a blight which both takes away our credibility as practitioners of legitimate religious traditions as well as has many of our most well-known among us listed among the throngs of ignorant radicals with single-issue causes that go directly against any semblance of dignity.¬†¬† In our community, this division is especially pointless considering the idea of “racism” (prejudice against those of Latino, African, or other minority descent) truly has no history within any of our ancient traditions across the board as far as I am aware.

Also, what the FUCK does “minority” mean when you live someplace like I do where people of my background number less than those of others.¬† (On the other hand, half of my background is in an Ethnic group called the “Lettish” which are almost as rare as the Sami)

There was no great rebellion of the Namibians invading Sweden, for instance- nor of the people of Nigeria and Somalia suppressing Norse and Folkish practices of Germany, Austria, Iceland, and Denmark in any way, shape or form.¬†¬† As a Lokean, the concept of judging a human being by something as superficial as skin color eludes me completely….¬† Loki is the son of giants, a shapeshifter, transgender, and omnisexual.¬† Say what you will for him- but he has had friends in both high as well as low places and there seems not to be any restriction in his interactions with other sentient beings (including animals) that indicates any sort of bias or prejudice.¬† Perhaps, (the author raises one eyebrow, ironically), that this sort of acceptance may be another subconscious reason why followers of Loki are fairly often denied the same rights to hail our patron compared to others within our own community.

Okay,  are you still with me?  I understand I just rambled my way through three elegant paragraphs and I lost most of you.  Good.  If you are still reading this far it probably means that the next words I am going to type to you are imperative if you want to restore the honor  of our culture that is being lost daily with several facebook posts as well as professional articles written by community leaders:

Stop it with the “We Need White History Month” bullshit.¬†¬† Now.¬†¬† Immediately.¬† Do not pass go, do not collect $200.¬† First of all, to stop sounding like a band of fucking Ku klux Klan idiots, ( For one thing, if you want to go that route: “European Heritage Month” sounds far less reactionary and ridiculous. Fools)

….To be perfectly clear-¬† we need NO months recognizing ANY cultural groups whatsoever-¬† these forced holidays do not succeed to “instill pride” in any ethnicity in question, but rather serve as further dividers to keep us from focusing on why we are really ALL living in a new feudal system and effectively slaves to the machinations of corporate greed and the subsequent media-imposed constant of the illusion of our own lack of fulfillment (which, of course, can only be solved by further consuming….right? /sarcasm)

It is extraordinarily clear that among peoples of this Earth, those of European descent are often among the most rootless of all cultures since we have been under the thumb of a foreign Middle Eastern religion the longest. I agree with you there- however, taking this frustration and pain out on other equally subjugated people is morally reprehensible.¬† Especially when the suffering of those same people was imposed by sociopathic members of our own ethnicities in the past (Note: I did not say we caused it; I am saying people from our countries of origin- hopefully, most of them were so consumed with acquiring wealth they forgot to breed) ¬† which caused their problems in the first place in the absolute most recent centuries….(See, for instance, the handling of the Hutu/Tutsi controversy.)

I am not going to go into detail here because, simply, I know it will only piss most of you the fuck off.¬†¬† Instead, I would like to offer you a diamond of wisdom you may have not considered instead of flogging the “white guilt” whip (which is also COMPLETELY unnecessary- “White guilt” is also a big steaming pile of bullshit.)

Here is the gem that all of us, regardless of race, culture, or country of origin should be actually holding in our hands and examining closely:

The cause of all suffering and subjugation of our people is NOT rooted in modern socioeconomic policies, and the same goes for our tribal brothers and sisters of other colors-¬† it’s rooted in forced conversion to the politics in Catholic monotheism.

Okay, brothers, sisters, and friends-¬† why are we actively placing prejudice against the darker skin folks who have never once¬† in our ancient history invaded our lands and stolen our ways when the active force which CAUSED centuries worth of silence, torture of our ancestors, deliberate tainting of our oral and written texts, and suppressed all expression of our tribal ways is still the wealthiest organization on the planet…and are still doing so to EVERYONE else?

Why are you afraid of a black/Hispanic/Jewish person, when there is literally a city called the Vatican in which there are libraries of our ancient knowledge stolen from us and all others that are under such lock and key only two people per generation can even access those vaults? Also,¬† the Vatican owns a lion’s share of the physical wealth of this world…. why are none of you questioning this?¬† Why are none of you Thorsmen screaming in rage over THIS injustice?¬† It honestly confuses me.

The Catholic church is behind the Inquisition, each and every Crusade to “take back” a “holy land” which has no bearing on our people?¬† Why do some Heathens persecute the Jewish population when we have both been enslaved and culturally eviscerated by the exact. same. psychopathic regime which still exists strongly today?

Men and Women of European descent:¬† WHERE IS YOUR OUTRAGE AT THE “HOLY” CATHOLIC CHURCH?!

Where is your outrage about forced conversions under the tyranny of political Christianity?¬† Jesus may have “turned the other cheek”, but his followers spent centuries persecuting and driving our civilizations into dust through¬† intimidation, torture, war, misinformation, and the forced separation of family groups.¬† From what I recall of elementary school, new history has been reinvented and spoon fed to our children that prior to Catholicism our -Norse and Pictish ancestors were little more than unhappy Neanderthals with little culture to speak of….if we are lucky, we might get a mention of Leif Erickson, Erik the Red, or Boudicca. Otherwise, at best, the cultures that existed prior to the Roman expansion are just quietly ignored.

Even in recent times within the past 200 years there have been the accusations of witchcraft that suppressed our Pennsylvania Dutch Brauchers, and the legislation passed that have undermined our rights as humans to practice and be recognized as peoples of legitimate religion such as the hurdles to being recognized as a clergy person for our religions, the banning of folk medicine, the illegalization of certain plants, and even in Pennsylvania- a seer/sensitive can be arrested if you do not specify that any Truth that you may intuit and convey in public is “for entertainment purposes only”.¬† ( I shit you not, I used to work as a psychic when I was still young)

Being personally Baltic/Germanic in heritage, I was forced (like other individuals I personally know) to undergo both catechism as well as confirmation classes in the Lutheran church-¬† one of the most lenient in allowing many of our ancient traditions to survive with little comment¬† (along with the Quakers, Moravians, and some (rare) Baptists conventions) Also, like many others, when I was asked if I wish to be confirmed….my answer was an honest “No.”¬† However, after two (and more) years of Christian indoctrination and also by the lack of rights afforded to those under the age of 18- the question posed was a rhetorical one- and resulted in simply being told to go through it anyway and “Try not ruin it for everyone else who Does believe.”¬† (Ironically, in my confirmation class we had a 14 year old pregnant girl-¬† me “ruining” anything would have taken extraordinary effort to top her 7-month along belly in front of the congregation.¬† Glorious.¬† All eyes on the “slut”, as judgmental as many Christians have proven to be…in direct opposition to their scriptural passages)

WE, as a people, are no different than the Native Americans who were forced into schools to “civilize” them into modern culture.¬† Our Pennsylvania Dutch suffered the same fate even in the earlier part of the century and I have had extensive conversations on the topic with someone who was personally subjected to years of speech therapy to annihilate his Deutsch accent- with the excuse that it sounded “uneducated”.¬†¬† (Out of respect for my friend, I refuse to drop his name without asking first!)

In the 1400th century our people of the farthest North were labeled as “Barbarians” by Isabela and Ferdinand of Spain, who in turn, ratified and banded with the Catholic Church both to dissolve the peaceful 300 year Moorish rule under the Caliphate as well as create a barrier against “Barbarian invasion”- namely that of the Northern peoples who were yet to be “civilized” by Christianity. **

Sorry to disappoint many of you larping types out there, but our “Viking Age” of pillaging, raiding, and piratry only lasted between 200-400 years from around the 700’s C.E. to only just before 1100 C.E. …yet another pet peeve of mine.¬†¬† Did you know that upon all lands our common ancestors settled the primary occupations were agrarian (farmers)?¬†¬† Furthermore, Heathenry and Islam both share deep roots in both cultures being exceptional in both trade and peaceful exploration during our peak periods of our own histories-¬† we both, also, have our dark times as well.

This, I fully believe, is both one of our times of new illumination to restore the roots of our people to the Yggdrasil as well as a dark age of confusion as we struggle to find our footing in a modern world which cares not for our traditional values.

However, we have, as a whole, been making extraordinarily unwise choices.   Why is there an inherent fear of black culture when truly their greatest offense was being able to be recognized for the suffering their ancestors experiences whereas our  suffering remains primarily in academic darkness?

Were you aware that death camps were not exclusive to the Germans, but also the Russians had several camps in Siberian Russia where Native Lettish, Roma, and Livonian people were subject to the same atrocities- effectively destroying what remained of modern, indigenous Vanic culture without even a textbook mention of our existence in the first place?

Why are Germanic people so angry at Black, Latino, and Jewish cultures?  Is it out of jealousy that their suffering is acknowledged where ours is not?  Is it that their struggle to regain their roots that have been lost by the same factors by which we have lost our own cuts a little too close to the quick of our souls?

Also of Note: I will also state clearly that I personally am neither racist nor anti-Semitic-  however, I am anti-Zionist which I separate from Jewish religion (Zionism is political rather than spiritual) simply out of respect for the Palestinian people.   I have no preconceived notions on skin color- however, I will very clearly and definitively announce that I am an intellectual elitist, and frankly, many of our fellow heathens, including some leaders, lately have not been meeting my expectations for honorable discourse or representation of our current peoples, our ancient Heritage, and, most particularly, have lost sight of the Divine art of Hospitality in which all of our people are entrusted to share as a high virtue among our culture.

I propose the following:¬† take off your white sheets, whether they are worn over your bodies or simply over your hearts, and I want you to stand up as proud descendants of our own Gods who can discern both right from wrong.¬† In this, I want the focus shifted away from who is/is not Norse/Asatru etc.¬† (Us Lokians know this “sorting” all too well) but rather, look at what put us here confused, divided, and tripping over ourselves to forge an identity. (which, incidentally, should not be a “uniform” identity in my opinion, but an identity of our diversity)¬† ¬† It was not the black man, the Jewish woman, or a Hispanic woman on Welfare-¬† It was Politicized Catholicism and the remains of Roman expansionism.

Under Catholicism, The black man was taken from Africa, the native islanders and central Americans were raped and killed for worshiping the Loa and Orishas, and the Jews were subjugated to the same degradations we have been for centuries.  Why do we wish to cause discord with the same people who have worn the same yokes of socioeconomic slavery we did prior to them?

What makes us different from those other cultures is not some imaginary idea that we are superior in any way- the only TRUE difference between our culture and the others (especially the cultures that many Heathens loudly rally against) is that we were the very first after the Strega and Romany to feel the subjugation of the cross in the hands of political powers to beat the pride, honor, and ancestry out of us- leaving us European folks adrift, Godless, rootless, and fearful for centuries.

I hazard to guess that any retribution against other races or cultures is indeed a conspiracy to keep us from truly focusing on the real evils of this world.¬†¬† Even now, as you read these words, there are Christian missionaries invading tribal cultures and providing conditional assistance in impoverished areas of the world such as South America and Africa in exchange for their conversion to a God that demands slavish obedience, rather than the ability to own one’s own self worth, to build strong communities, and to stand proud, unashamed, and without the existence of non-existent “sins” meant to scare us into submission to an all-powerful, omni-wealthy church.

A Star Trek movie (Mr. Spock) once proposed : “What does God need with a starship?”

I pose this:¬† “What does the Catholic God gain from our submission, obedience, and money?”

Catholicism is no religion, but rather the longest running, oppressive political system in the world…. subjugating women, turning unborn children into “sinners” with the concept of “original sin” as well as bathing the peoples of Earth with the false waters of shame, guilt, and oppression.

However, I take no issue with practicing, devote Catholic practitioners themselves, but rather their elaborate political system and the control this system has over global issues.

I am asking all of you, as both Lokean and Tyrswoman:¬† remove the blinders from your eyes….and I will promise you that should we ever find the footing-¬† I will be among the first to raise arms against the tyranny of the Vatican and Corporate ownership with the name of Woten on my lips and desire to topple this corrupt organization with a passion stronger than Jihad….and I will do it with grace, standing next to warriors of other colors, their Gods as well as our own once again resplendent in their own radiance and as our brothers and sisters in arms, rooted in their ancestry, proud of their cultures, and in full knowledge of their worth.

We do not own the right to judge any human as “worthy” or “unworthy” to be among the Folk- that privilege belongs to the Gods alone.¬† But we may choose our friends from the honorable, the wise, and the courageous-¬† and I believe with all my heart that should we turn down any man, woman or child who embodies our virtues on something as trivial as the color of their skin or origin of their ancestry, it will be our Gods who will be ashamed of our stupidity and we will be held accountable for our lack of frith, intelligence, and human decency.

**An Aside: Amazingly enough- Islam has been pretty good to Heathens since it’s inception when it originally practiced the whole “Religion of Peace” bit where they would not attack unless attacked first. (There are actually Runes carved with care into many of the inscriptions on buildings in Persopolis and Mecca I have been told¬† )¬† Under Caliphate rule, all religions were tolerated and taxed the same amount- the Islamist paid 10% Zakat (tax) which went directly to the poor- and the others paid 10% for both protection and infrastructure improvements.
Next question: Why do I know this?¬†¬† Easy: I studied Arabic history in Spain, and also hold degrees in world religions as well as Philosophy- both of which I specialized in Islamic, Zoroastrian, and Baha’i religions as well as extinct ones of the Middle East.¬† Despite this blog being mostly dedicated to my European heritage, I am exceptionally well versed on the origins and golden age of Islam which encompassed our dark ages under the Holy Roman Empire.¬† (I believe it is also safe to say that Islam is now experiencing it’s own “Dark Ages”- however, this was not always the case, they used to be the absolute leaders in trade (after our culture was already subjugated) as well as the sciences while we were being suppressed by fear of the Church)
** Artwork by *Destinyfall on deviantart.com

“The Burdan of Sigyn’s Arms”

Posted in Uncategorized on January 29, 2013 by Tyrienne

Lady,  I have no idea who you are- but one day, I hope to meet you and embrace for this incredible poem:

http://thehouseofvines.com/2013/01/28/the-burden-of-sigyns-arms/http://thehouseofvines.com/2013/01/28/the-burden-of-sigyns-arms/

Spontaneous Poetry

Posted in Uncategorized on January 23, 2013 by Tyrienne

listen: words from once sewn lips
from one who fences with phrases
observations, and chaos.
yet remains
darkly known, resented and feared
his smile is a panacea;
but locked away, it is unseen

Many decided it better to lead a life of lies
the truth scars like fire
burning forests of relations,
of records, histories, and entire libraries
of false things written,
lies contrived to control and to soothe
masses of hungry minds,
demanding bread and circuses
so, they were offered sacrifices
of innocents to spit and roast

Give us an enemy,
Give us black and white in a world of grey
show us white teeth stained with blood
and clouded skies of ash and ruin
show us glamor and fame
false beauty, lackluster talent
So we may bow down and worship
that which will never touch us

Flames dance to him on every fire
each horn raised, silent, to his name
forbidden
Sing praise, to the murderers, the liars,
and those who break peace
Cry heresy on He who speaks Truth!

Do you see him laughing?
It’s madness, you want a scapegoat
Tears would be wasted, he understands
to laugh is to challenge fear
to silence sadness
and to wounded compassion, quieted

Hold yourselves tall in your sociopathy
ignore the suffering that creeps slowly
surrounding all things, choking, gasping
Everything you don’t want to know
don’t wish to see- your fault;
We all choose to do nothing
So sleep, darling minds
forever listless in entertainment
Accept the pills, the pacification

and ask for greater favors
than you ever deserved

He will still hold the unwanted;
dry the tears of the firebrands,
rebels, and revolutionist
and hold tightly to those
who walk the edges of genius
and madness

But you will not know them,
the” lost”, the “insane”, the “deluded”
….it is said
their pains are illusions
to you, and you accept this untruth

“To know me is to see clearly
in a world of contrived mists”

“To hear my voice is to hear
nature above the grinding machine”

“To touch me, is to feel the suffering
of Iscariot, Tesla, and Galileo.”

“To speak well of me is to be branded
as Scapegoat, traitor, and fiend…”

“But”, I reply, “I already hold these things”

“Then you may follow me,
And I will walk beside you.
…as long as you continue to see
with eyes unclouded, all harm done
to the innocent dead, the starving,
the slaves….and to learn to laugh
without crying through the scalding
wordly venom that will seep into your
clear eyes and break you.
again…and again…and again…”

…And to most, he will never give his name
Just a quiet shoulder, a legend
a curse, and a whisper in the darkness
The madness is in understanding…
…to see everything, to know, and witness
and know further how you too will have
your lips sewn if you should speak
a single word.

“Shh,” he says, lips blooded,
his body scarred by years
in bindings
“I know you, I love you,
and we will suffer together.”

Controversial Post: Who is your Patron God or Goddess?

Posted in Uncategorized on January 22, 2013 by Tyrienne

Grey OdinWell, if you feel the need to ask…

Answer: Odin and Frigga

What? You expected something else?¬† You thought that there was going to be some mystical meditation where you could travel down a cave or up a crystal staircase and be told by your very most favorite God/Goddess: “YES!¬† You! I choose you my darling little pikachu!¬† Come to Valhalla with me and let’s do bodyshots!”

Okay.¬† If you do not know who your “Patron” is, the answer is-¬† you do not have one. Basically, if you consider yourself Norse, aim your prayers at the All-Father and Blessed Mother and be content.¬†¬† Odin is the Patron of our entire Heathen faith regardless of whether you call him Odin, Woten, Woden, or what have you. Even real Lokians are sworn to Odin first (Loki requires it) Look, I will even accept the idea of Balder if you are a post-Ragnorak sort- or Tyr if you have taken a couple of classes in ancient Norsk and figured out the Tyr predates Odin by a few centuries in historical records…(but even Tyr will likely point you right back to Odin or Baldr, seriously)

But why aren’t they talking to you?¬† Why do some of your Folkish friends get batshit scary sometimes and take on aspects of one of the other Gods/Goddesses?¬† What about that screaming Thorsman who galders like deathmetal at each faining?

Well, I can answer that for you as well-  there are now two categories of people you are contending with.

Most commonly, people pick their favorite ancestral deity (usually Thor), buy a whole shit ton of expensive stuff with his/her image and symbol and then read everything they can without discrimination, historical, fiction, or rhetorical with equal measure and claim that THIS is THEIR Patron,¬† That humankind can actually reach up to beings of higher virtue than ourselves and have them bend to OUR wills and decide that¬† because they sacrifice and give a lot of gifts, this will mean that THAT particular deity will favor them exclusively.¬† Not a good idea, folks.¬† Honestly.¬†¬† There is nothing wrong with picking any of any of the gods to give gifts to, but there is something entirely wrong with having an sense of entitlement that you are now owed this particular deities personal attentions.¬†¬† Gods have free will as well….and if the person in question does NOT embody the honor, frith, and heart of the God in question, making such a claim can be dangerous and lead to great offense.¬†¬† I have most notably seen this among people who claim Tyr, oddly enough.¬† Tyr is the righteous judge between what is honorable verses dishonorable among our people, and he is absolutely impartial and fair.¬† The problem therein lies that in our culture, “Justice” has somehow become synonymous with “Getting the outcome I want”.

Nope.¬† Justice is taking every thought, action, and deed and putting it on a scale and measuring it for merit….when you ask Tyr for Justice- He WILL grant Justice, and that may be the very farthest from the outcome you desire.¬† If you wish harm on others, if you lie, if you break oaths, or any other silly thing that can be needlessly harmful to your fellow humans, animals, and vaettir, you will be called accountable for it.

Tyr Himself will not come down on a shining cloud and tell you in words what your reward or punishment will be….instead, we have another foreign word that describes his process pretty well:¬† Karma.

What you do will come back on you, the good and the bad.¬†¬† The more good you do, often, the more your circumstances will improve.¬† No man or woman will ever be without problems- There are far too many dishonorable people in our midst to make life easy by any means; however, those who stand fast and live the most fearlessly clinging to doing what is right, spite all consequence will find divine favor more easily than those who do not….and despite their troubles, will find themselves like cats out a window- landed feet first and unharmed, while others scramble on broken limbs.

If your life is going wrong in every avenue, the answer is simple:¬† There is an error in your thinking and action that is dishonorable.¬† Look at yourself in the mirror of your soul and witness your own flaws.¬† Own them…..not only own them, make amends for them where you can- and when you cannot make amends should your crimes be against the dead or the distant- vow to live your life differently from this point forward.¬† Your bad wyrd will follow you all your days and will burn your eyes, your heart and you will forever feel the ache of shame each time your memory touches them even faintly, but allow that pain to be a reminder to you to do better.¬†¬† We are not Christians.¬† We are not “Forgiven” by saying a couple of magical words to some beardy guy in the sky.¬† We have no shortage of beardy guys- but frankly, none of them will give a shit about forgiving you unless you make an effort to undo any and all harm you cause by your actions, and in some cases, your very existence.

I had a professor in college who taught ancient religions who told me the most outstanding prayer which I believe transcends all religious boundaries:  Each night he prays that he missed no opportunities to help everyone he came into contact with, and that if he accidentally caused harm, that he may amend for it.

That was the old way, unanimously, throughout indo-Europe once upon a time….¬† there are occasions where one may have to cause harm for a greater good to occur, but that is also universally understood- but a very, very fine line to walk!

As much as purists hate it when I mix in a little bit¬† of knowledge from other religions to describe our own- there is a useful thought in Islam that sums up the universe pretty well.¬† At the top, you have the Well of All Knowledge- this is higher than Odin-¬† If you are a Buddist, this is Enlightenment- it is the indescribable non and omniconsciousness which Odin hung himself on a tree for to taste, gave his eye to see, and gave his sanity to express.¬†¬† Below that, you have two types of beings that are more powerful than humans: Those with free will, and those without free will.¬†¬† The Norse pantheon certainly shows ample evidence of moral and amoral decision making among the Aesir and Vanir, so this is still in line.¬† For the second category, think of a valkyrie-¬† Odin or Freyja chooses virtuous women, makes them all bad-ass, then sends these lovely ladies down to Earth as either gifts to good men, or to tap fighters on the shoulder to let them know they’ve been chosen for Valhalla/Freyja’s hall.¬†¬† Chances are, the common Valkyrie is not going to look at their Patron and say “I don’t feel like it today.”¬† If there is a war on Earth and as long as people fight with the names of the ancestors on their lips- there will be will-less valkyries to drag them up to Asgard and serve them as eternal bartenders.

See, a Valkyrie makes a sacrifice of Will in exchange for the power of the Divineto be the Divine extensions of Freyja and/or Woten..  It is one way how humans can ascend to Godhood- in being asked to give up the Will to something greater than themselves, they are entrusted with greater powers than the average mortal.  But they cannot ask for it- it has to be offered to them first, and then they have to accept the terms and conditions

….and to an extent, this is also the case with those that the Gods personally choose to be the particular benefactor of particular persons:¬† It amounts to a lessening of the free will, which then forces the person in question into constant situations of divine honor verses the whole, ever present¬† miasma of the false values and flaws in our current culture and circumstance.¬†¬† A chosen of any deity finds themselves exposed on a pedastal, even if that God/dess is someone as innocuous as Hel, Vidarr, or Idunna,¬† Even a Vidarrsman, even if he cannot speak, is forced into correct action and is held to stronger standards than the average man.

Now, how can this occur?  How do people become actual Thors/Frey/Lokians? From research across the board in ANY religion from Hinduisim to Shinto, to even the Abrahamics- The chosen students of particular deities where the deity themselves personally introduced themselves via a PGE (Personal Gnostic Experience) and metaphorically clubbed said person over the head, branded them on the ass with a sigil, and basically in Pauline Réage fashion claimed them as property- to lose a little bit of free will and individuality to basically work like an on-Earth avatar whenever the hel they are called to like well-trained domestic animals to a leash, yoke, or bit.   Even Lokians.   These people are held to higher expectations, they are directly accountable for representing the Honor of their God/desses on Earth.

This is a universal thing; this is where we get our clergy of all faiths: Pastors, nuns, priests, imams, sufis, monks, dedicants, sadus, gurus, shamans, and all other sorts of lunatics.¬†¬† Of course, these names are not always carried correctly or by the correct people- and also, there is no guarentee that the chosen person can remain “In favor” with their God/desses.¬† Should one stray from the path too far, the deity themselves may revoke their sigil from the person’s heart; or alternatively, the person chosen always has the choice to walk away- but in doing so loses supernatural benefits that when gone, leave the human feeling forever hollow, lost, and lonely….and ultimately, no longer protected.¬† (Sometimes, this is temporary among spiritual scholars this is known as “A dark night of the soul” and can last anywhere from days to decades.)

The most telling sign of one who is “God touched” is…. well, look up the synonyms for “God touched”….¬† I’ll wait….

……..la de da de da…..dum de dum……(looks at watch.¬† Shit, need a new watchband and the battery is dead.¬† Fuck. )….hums tunelessly….yoga pose….¬† STOP

Okay.¬† Enough time:¬† Insanity.¬†¬† People who have been touched by Gods lose at least a modicum of functionality in society.¬† They hear/see/smell/sense things that cannot be seen- they are thrown into merciless situations to save or destroy at the whim of their Gods mercy knowing that should they let go of the faith that their God/desses who had sworn to protect them, they will become utterly lost and utterly mad.¬†¬† They will be asked to make insane sacrifices, sometimes repeatedly, for the greatest good- they may end up homeless, assaulted, accused, demeaned, damaged, and hospitalized for any and all possible reasons including injury, illness, or insanity.¬† They may fall into illness to which creates greater compassion and understanding with which to heal others….or fall into illness o r injury just to keep said person protected from the world at large to keep them more tightly focused on their spiritual practices.

Some people have ONE God/dess to which they are owned-¬† others, especially the shamans, have several.¬†¬† But no matter which it is, one or several, you are looking at a person who will have a difficult life….yet a rewarding one.¬†¬† I fully believe it is the Mystics of all cultures who can truly feel and express joy, gratefulness, awe, and appreciation for their blessings better than others.

As far as Aesir go, I have two equal patrons:  Loki and Tyr, and both are superseded by Odin.   What this means for my life is that my eloquence, verbosity, and charisma will be seen as manipulation when no manipulation is intended.  I will be blamed for things that are not my doing, and when I do cause harm, I will and have been expected to amend far greater than the average person for the harm I have caused in sacrifice.

No one truly wants to be a Lokian…¬† I convinced myself he was Bragi for years and my life kept getting fucked up until I accepted the real name of my celestial teacher. ¬† Being a Lokian/Tyrsperson is basically the only reason I can be taken seriously enough by any of you to believe me when I speak well of Loki.¬†¬† Tyr lends me his dignity, his honor, fairness, undisputed honesty,(Loki, too, is honest- but uncomfortable truths are difficult to hear: the messenger gets “shot” many times before the message is accepted by all), and when I am really lucky, the queue to be silent (which I still often miss!)¬† However, I love them both more than dearly and would be severely (more)¬† amiss without their direct influences.

To end this little diatribe, I will explain to you EXACTLY what makes a God/dess touched person different than the rest of humanity.¬† My dear readers, please meet Mr. Plato of Athens, Greece…and allow him to explain how reality really works….

This should blow your minds….and while your mind is blown, go watch “Mulholland Drive”- it’s a good movie.¬† (Actually any David Lynch is fun)
^That last sentence was completely irreverent.

Collected articles on Loki!

Posted in Uncategorized on December 15, 2012 by Tyrienne

First was provided by an anonymous Loki sympathizer and written on the tumbler of a woman named Natasha:

I am beginning to notice similarities in True-patroned Lokians.   Reeeeeeead This

Secondly: I agree with most of this following¬† except the idea that we “made him up”…. I prefer to think that it’s a mutual process of creation between both human and divine…but that’s just me, and history is always written by winners and those who own a pen… ūüôā Thanks Desiree Isphording! The blog itself is by Henry Lauer.¬† Read this next

Finally, again I plug Uncle Thor, this is his article on the reaction to his book “Loki for you”. ¬† He has the link to buy the book at the bottom.¬† It’s cheap, it’s wonderful, and it goes to support one coolest, nicest, and oldest members in our community.¬† Frith plus!

I still have plans for rants, chants, and beautiful essays of my own, but life (especially for a Lokian) is seldom dull.  I am waiting for the next lull in activity.   Stay tunes Folks, I have oathed on two kindreds so far to do the best I can to both live and educate the entire Heathen community on the God I love.  My other patron, Tyr, seems not to have such problems.

An excellent look at Flyting

Posted in Uncategorized on December 3, 2012 by Tyrienne

Here is a post from a heathen friend regarding the definition and use of flyting.

http://kvasiramongstthegods.wordpress.com/2012/12/02/flyte-club/

Manowar- “Loki, God of Fire”

Posted in Uncategorized on November 23, 2012 by Tyrienne

The past few weeks have been a bit hectic…upcoming post coming this weekend!

Delays…

Posted in Uncategorized on November 15, 2012 by Tyrienne

I apologize for the lack of new posts; my apartment and both cars have been broken into in less than a week and the Helsman and I have been spending the past week repairing, regrouping, as I have been attempting to get new copies of every form of ID I used to own.

We have been extraordinarily blessed though,¬† I have received more back-pay than I had previously expected from SSD for my medical condition so replacing all the important things lost has been easier than anticipated.¬† We have a strong network of good Heathen men and women out here who have been quite effective in their prayers and good thoughts….and I thank all of you profusely.¬† We burnt candles for our Patron Gods and watched the expressions on their faces- the anger of Freyr, focused and hunting, the maniacal madness of Hel for the disrespect to our ancestors, the sadness of Loki, and the sternness of Wotan.

Tyr needs no statue, He is pretty easy to figure out.

One of our kin/folk builders has informed me that yet another shapeshifter has messages for me…this is a Deutsch Goddess I was not prior aware of- but she is one of the season, is the lady of the Wild Hunt, Vengeance, craftwork (art as well as magic), as well as a shapeshifter- Her name is Berchta. So, I have been given yet another name I can hail at blots and rituals.

Yesterday, before her name was introduced to me- She is a lady most seen as a woman in white. I brought a white fox tail for $7 at a Pow-wow store in the Poconos….and her symbol is the swan, one of my 4 totems (My primary ones are Raven and Fox, secondarily Snake and Swan).¬† I already own an entire cup of Swan wing feathers, and beneath them I hung the white tail.¬†¬† For Loki, I was able to purchase a very affordable fox skull from one who died naturally (same as the tail- the Native Americans are very careful of those sorts of things).¬†¬† Then, I was gifted with a pheasant pelt as well-for free.¬† (still need to look up pheasant- but I will be wiring and beading the feather shafts for ritual use and adornment….and possibly sale!)

Once again, from chaos can come brighter things.¬† We lost many meaningful objects, such as all of my fiance’s family heirlooms, as well as the only item I own from my great-grandfather;¬† however on account of this incident we rearranged our altars in our house for better protection..prior to now, the bedroom (which was where the window was opened) was the least protected.¬†¬† Also, on account of the hardships experienced through having both of our cars broken into as well as our apartment,¬† we have a new closeness between us and others in the community.

Also, the computer that was stolen from me has been replaced…as for my old one, I feel immensely satisfied that the keyboard was in Farsi.¬† This area has no Middle Eastern population as far as I am aware.¬† Good luck pawning that one, suckers.

This is my new computer, it was half price in Best Buy.  Today, my car will be given new, operational windows, tie-rod ends, tires, and possibly brakes.  My lawyer bill will be paid for his fantastic work in helping me fight against Northhampton county.  My traffic tickets will be paid. (stupid V6 engine).  Also, I can now pay my former landlady $600 in back rent I owe her.

As I was typing this, this song came on Spotify for me:  

Today, I will send my car for repairs, I found a specialist who has an opening today, and then I will drink mead tonight with my brother and my fiance.

I say Hail to our Folk and Friends, our Ancestors, and most importantly, our Gods and Goddesses.

The Flyting of Our Sheep

Posted in Uncategorized on November 7, 2012 by Tyrienne

Loki’s seal of approval
*artwork by Thalia Took*

Once again, anxiety has taken its toll on me and I have found myself in tears watching a three way battle on facebook.  It’s election day.  I see some people I thought to be brilliant dazzled brainless by pretty lights, I see bickering between a two headed chimera who share a body debating over which mouth has devoured the most souls, but on the bright side, I also see those I have underestimated before to be much wilier than I anticipated.

In Reading IDUNNA, I have been able to find the strength within to conquer my inner sadness, weariness, and trepidation to write to you but not on the topics I had promised you.  To my AFA Kin,  Iwill  also no doubt take strength from your writings as well as they enter my hands.   I state no preference over either organization, and consider both family and kindred.

This post will bore you, but I have a lot to say and I will start with a personal anecdote.

I was once the unofficial teaching assistant to a  brilliant and articulate Islamic lecturer*.   He was formerly medical personnel during a war in his own country, which had left it’s mark in PTSD and anxiety as bad as my own and a severe aversion to group events.  One day, he asked me to follow him since the day was filled with events that were mandatory that neither of us wished to attend: we agreed they were pointless, but there were consequences for not attending each which neither of us could accept.  Since he knew I suffered many of the same challenges as he,  he used this day as an opportunity to show me how he got by so I could implement the same tactics for my own future (I wished to be a professor or clergy).

He demonstrated how in some cases, arriving late can put on the show of importance, to make people feel honored by your attendance at all by ‚Äúone with such an important and busy schedule‚Ä̬† (when in all honesty, he was in his office up until that time gathering his courage, and likely in prayer)¬† I was taught the correct order in which to greet people in each gathering without offense. That day I learned where to sit to maximize the ability to leave at a moments notice, I was taught how to wait until an entire room of people became distracted enough to allow us to slip out the back without offense or long goodbyes,¬†¬† I was shown campus short cuts and how to appear ‚Äúon a mission‚ÄĚ enough to discourage others from attempting conversation‚Ķthat is, if we could be seen at allWe walked both on and off common paths to do so.¬† In all of this, he demonstrated grace and hospitality to those we faced-¬† not one person was offended, though every ‚Äúrule‚Ä̬† of common courtesy was seemingly broken, quietly and cleverly to hide both of our flaws and the appearance of our individual discomfort from our anxieties.

All of these things were and still are valuable; but of that day I learned the most from this:¬† We found ourselves trapped at 2 hour amnesty international event with a guest speaker who emphasized the importance of writing letters to world leaders to prevent injustice. The Sufi was only the adviser for the organization since the previous one left on sabbatical to give birth, and he had been harshly criticized for his lack of ‚Äúcampus involvement‚ÄĚ prior to his agreement to this position.

We eventually escaped that as well, and as we walked back to his office, I asked my mentor: ‚ÄúWhat is the point of writing letters?¬† I severely doubt that Ahmadinejad would change his mind no matter how eloquently or prolifically I wrote to him.‚ÄĚ

To my surprise, he replied, ‚ÄúIt makes the people who write those letters feel better about themselves.‚ÄĚ

Here, I Hail To Loki:  Allow me tor emind you all of the Flyting from the Lokasenna.  The poetic exchange of uncomfortable truths.  Loki’s words were not disputed so much as they were considered unfitting, embarrassing, and inappropriate for the occasion for how they made a room full of people meant to represent the highest level of Honor we can obtain not run from their faults.  Of his own faults, Loki denied none.

Today, many of you made yourselves ‚Äúfeel better‚ÄĚ by pulling a lever, checking a box, or by pushing button on a touch screen or platform.¬† Those who live in states who had issues on the ballot of real concern for your state alone, are exempted from my disappointment today.

Presidents are subject to the congress, their predecessors failures and successes, as well as the fact that both candidates are proven liars, offering contradictory statements on both sides of the fence with honey and calm voices.   They Flyted each other dishonorably-  it is one thing to point out dishonorable actions of the other, but another entirely to make up false accusations from whole cloth:  Both sides.

I do not care who you voted for.¬† Because it neither matters, nor do you have any effect on the outcome.¬† Both sides are sponsored by the same corporations, the office of ‚ÄúPresident‚ÄĚ is simply the puppet face we use to represent ourselves as a people, and furthermore¬† There are no laws that force the delegates of the electoral college to honor your popular votes; they make their own choices-despite your own choosing.

You have been promised the moon, the stars, in beautiful words and compelling speeches to distract you from the point that you lost your voice years ago. You are a number, you are a worker, and you are valuable as peasants and serfs in an oligarchy. Many of you are not land owners, do not own our own businesses, your own land, and are taken away daily to serve in indentured servitude to some company or another to feed our families at the cost of losing our connection to our communities, loved ones, and personal respect.

We live an existence of slavery, but more insidiously, we are forced to beg for a master via resumes and interviews.  Our ancestors cover their eyes seeing what our people are subjected to now.  I have heard across the community a dream of self-subsistence, simplicity, and a return to a free home with a family, a plot of land to ourselves, and livestock.  Tesla, in his day, knew how to create free electricity for every home.  We would not have to live without modern convenience if our engineers, scientists, and builders were free to act to the common benefit.

Today, you were herded as sheep into small buildings, fire stations, and school auditoriums to feel ‚Äúimportant‚ÄĚ in a process where no personal importance is actually given to you.¬† Your televisions have numbed you. Today, you made yourself feel better by voting, when your vote meant as much as my imaginary letter writing campaign to Ahmadinejad.

– You have no choice over which corporations control our government via lobbying or by holding seats which are not up to popular election.

-You do not get to choose how much of our money goes to wars on foreign soil, or the choice of war vs. peace.

-Do not choose the distribution of your tax dollars, the bills which are up for review, you cannot vote on those bills, and you do not have the legal power, individually, to fight laws that are unjust without substantial political power or a backing of wealth.

–¬† Out of all industrialized nations, we have the highest rates for imprisonments, lack of adequate medical care/coverage, and poverty.¬† Our poor and sick are demonized.¬† The past month has been hell for any sick person collecting SSI/SSD as we remain constantly denigrated, despised, and assaulted by billboards, our computers, and for those who have television, worse.

As in most traditions, many who are touched by Gods are touched by incurable illness as well, for this I am sad, ashamed, and grateful…I I fully admit I am ill, an inconvenience, and invalid.  On the otherhand, I was never disowned by my Gods…between Gods and men, I will take poverty, will not shun what help is offered to me, but also, nor will I seek profit above wisdom.

I cannot condemn the poor, the lame, and those who disadvantaged for I have been one of them.  I have been homeless, penniless, and I have had to rely on strangers for help. The All-Father traveled the Earth in all of our respective traditions with his tattered cloak to test hospitality. As hard as it was, I have been forced to do likewise… it took two years (which is lower than average) to be approved for Social Security, through batteries of tests, doctors, hospitals, psychiatrists and one hearing. ( I was denied via paper simply on account of my age)

Why are those who suffer now condemned to be deemed ‚Äúuseless‚ÄĚ?¬†¬† Listen to your blood, look your wives, husbands, and children in the eyes each day you are parted from them, and feel what is calling to us.

I want for you all to become independent, I want our artists to live by their art, our writers and skulds to be paid for their poetry, our musicians success, and those who can craft learn to use this consumeristic culture and carve niches in which their lives can be filled with many friends and close family.  May those who travel be welcomed in any heathen home offering their hands to help with children or homekeeping.

I want heathens with homes to own, why do houses lie vacant with price tags almost no working couples can pay off in less than 5 years?

I want all children taught critical thinking skills, philosophy, reason, mathematics, physics, and creativity.  Not rote memorization, not weakened and confined like veal in chairs 8 hours a day as their muscles atrophy.

I desire each and every sheep to awaken.  I wish you to throw out your televisions, I want you to connect with one another in honest conversations, use our resources that bring us closer rather than divide us.   Use the internet, use your telephones, call and keep in close touch for all you care for.

I do not care who you voted for, you are still Heathens.  I want you to live while you are young enough to feel the grass between your toes and sunlight on your backs, I want you spend days in the forest reading Runes in the trees and the Earth, and the rocks in the streams….forever learning and forever teaching.

I want you to eat pure foods from trees and plants untouched by the unnatural, and flesh from animals who have names and not numbers who know the touch of sunshine.

I wish you freedom in our lifetimes…not for just people who pay the price in madness as I have, or just for those born into material prosperity, but for every single creature on Earth.

In closing: ‚ÄúMay Odin bless you with wisdom, Thor grant you protection, and Loki grant you with a laugh on every step of your trip.‚Ä̬† (Provided via Dustin Dixon , Thorsman of Oregon- Hail to our Folk out West!)

….
**IMPORTANT:  I also request all members of The Troth to please turn to page 22 of the IDUNNA Journal you should have received in your mail this week.  The article is titled: “Loki’s Role in the Northern Religions“ written by Kveldulfr Hagan Gundarsson. His work in phenomenal on the subject.  (If any Troth member has a digital link to this piece, please send it and I will edit this post to include the link!)**
*(NOTE: Loki guided me to this man for my education via a dream;¬† I suppose this professor was held with high regard relating to the Aesir at one time and I never learned why.¬† I was told by the wiry red-haired Heathen: ‚ÄúHe is an honorable man and good to learn from- he is worthy of your protection‚ÄĚ (I did save his physical life once)¬†¬†¬† My former mentor taught by both positive and negative examples of leadership, scholarship, overcoming obstacles, and social acumen despite finding myself profoundly wounded enough in the process that Loki himself apologized.¬† I survived; and Loki, as always, compensates generously for any pain experienced by his intervention. By and from Loki, I am now engaged to a genius of a Helsman.¬† I cannot complain.
:)

A Week Past

Posted in Uncategorized on November 1, 2012 by Tyrienne

Due to some insane scheduling overlaps as well as technical difficulties, I have been absent and I do apologize.¬† The follow things I would like to share with you…

As for Sandy, our family here in Reading has been untouched barring one smashed windchime we claimed from an extraordinarily haunted former funeral parlor.  It seems it was rejected from our warding less than a day after being hung.  It is a shame, they sounded lovely- however, considering where they were procured, it might be for the best they are now garbage.

Next, a story. ¬† When I first began dating my fiancee, he found a freshly dead raven in the gutter in front of the methadone clinic near his yoga studio…after being yelled at by myself and a roommate of his;¬† he picked it up, brought it home, and then over the next several weeks we preserved the head, wings, and talons via salt and hanging for magical use leaving the remains of the body on our altar for the land spirits (vaetir).¬†¬†We also saved the preserving salt and mixed it with both red and black sands should someone require it to call upon the spirit of Raven.

Each wing is now a perfect smudge fan, the skull lies bleached between Woden and Loki, and each claw made into a pendant. . One is wrapped with leather and carries a stone on the same cord blessed at an Odinblot….and now rests on Odin’s shoulders when not in use.¬† The second is wrapped at top with the skin of a fox and wired ornately in copper, silver, and black aluminum-¬† That one is mine and rests with our statue of Loki along with my red foxtail(The Fox being closely associated with Loki)¬†¬†¬†¬† Last Friday I lost my claw necklace on my way home from a Samhain ritual run by friends; I was extraordinarily distraught despite placing little value on material things in general.

Sandy tore through our area in a night- during that time a beautiful forked branch fell from a tree in our parking lot, which we have claimed and will be decorating…and as my fiancee walked around the front of our building, he found my missing raven claw- absolutely unharmed, and the energy even cleaner from the storm.

Interestingly enough,¬† I have found that most true open Lokians I am aware of still live with power and heat at very least.¬† (I certainly hope that is also the case for the rest of you who read this post!)¬†¬† I will admit I taunted Thor that evening…and I told some as a joke:¬† The good thing about Loki, is that even some Gods feel obliged to keep their contact with Him at a minimum.:)

In further news:

I am now formally oathed to create a better reputation for Loki via my own actions as example as well as a promise I will not deny him as one of my main patrons in any circumstance.  This was oathed twice with two kindreds I highly respect.   (I will gladly oath a 3rd time if offered:  3 is an excellent number)

1. First, I was given permission by Tyr/Ziu himself for the first oath…that I may perform it in the name of Tyr/Ziu so that those uncomfortable with hailing a Loki oath may feel more at ease.¬† Those with a connection to either felt this sentiment to be true-¬† so I was given permission to oath with a Deutsch kindred¬† we frequent to fulfill the first.¬† I was embraced by a fellow Lokian and given their blessing to continue this path.

2. I Needed no such adjustment as I spent the same evening with my former completely Tribal kindred where I served as guest Valkyrie for the evening.  In Sumbel, I was embraced by the tribe leader, a Baldrsman- and they, too encourage this endevour.

Along the way, this week we only suffered minor misfortune:¬† the loss of one of my love’s cousins…one who was not well known to us.¬†¬† Being a Helsman, he wrote the man a blessing in Runic and placed it around a white candle to both light his way to his next life as well as to speak well of him to Hela. The wake was today, I know our Cousin was watching us through the veil and to us, he felt at peace…which was an enormous relief.

In lighter, more annoying news…our cats, Freyja and Hela, have fleas-¬† we were overdue at the veterinarian anyway, and it seems that She Who Watches all Cats, was not pleased with us for our laziness.¬†¬† Most of Hurricane Sandy was spent washing kittens, dusting the house with anti-flea sage and salt, and vacuuming every. single. surface. in our home.¬†¬† We have been blessed again, thankfully- the cost for today’s checkup was well under $200 including necessary shots.

So….on being a Lokian….. like the rest of the Heathen community we too interact with the other Gods and Goddesses of our ancestors,¬† sometimes in unusual ways, other times, typical.

I read today that “There is a price for doing the will of the Gods.”¬†¬† This was meant as an insult toward us,¬† Lokiswoman and Helsman-¬† however, I would like to state that there is a price in working closely with any Divine ancestor.

Tyr demands Honorable action and righteous justice and judgements without excuse, self sacrifice when needed for the greatest good.
Hela requires you to act as psychopomp for the dead, to help guide them to their next destination….All dead, you may have a connection to liking/disliking/or strength of knowing them aside.
Freyja asks for all you do to be with passion or fury…as well as caring appropriately for her beloved cats.
Bragi, poetry written with frequency, feeling, and spontaneity.
Thor demands swift, decisive action in the face of danger.
Odin:the relentless search of knowledge, leadership, and courage to face all men and women as equal and recognize their truest natures behind their eyes.

As for Loki, he demands intelligence; all of your intelligence.  Like Odin, he also asks for you to use your intuition and discernment, and to speak truth even it may be uncomfortable to do so.  To bring laughter to the somber (and to bear the discomfort if it is not taken well) as well as to outsmart the foolish, pompous, and those who take power without earning it.   Loki may be a trickster, but he seldom (in my opinion, never) intentionally cruel.

Odin asks similarly of most of these things of all of us.

To close:

“Of all the gods, Loki is most closely associated with Wodan. It has been said before that Loki often seems to act as the agent of Wodan‚Äôs will, wither when expressed overtly–as when Wodan orders him to steal the Frowe‚Äôs necklace– or when the command is hidden, as in the case of the death of Baldr.[ which actually can be seen by some as keeping Baldr “safe” through Ragnoral] Part of the oath of blood-brotherhood which Wodan and Loki swore was that for every horn of drink given to Wodan, Loki should have a horn also. In a very real sense, Loki is Wodan‚Äôs shadow–though, paradoxically enough, he also seems to embody the sense of humor and lightness of being which is largely missing from most portrayals of Wodan.”

-“TEUTONIC RELIGION”¬† by KVELDULF GUNDARSSON (which I found this particular passage via yahoo)

Guten-nacht meinen freunden….

Andrew Chumbley’s Ode to Loki

Posted in Uncategorized on October 25, 2012 by Tyrienne

(This beautiful work was submitted to me via Kerry Congdon via mutual friend Annie Cuglas.  Stunning.

The Wikipedia on the author may be found HERE.

If you have any Lokian works to submit, please feel free to email me at ravenwylder@gmail.com )

I am He, I am She, the Old One,
in whose blood Thou art cross-signed in benediction,
and in whose blood the One Sigil is stained.
The Light of all Magick is my gift unto Thee,
but accurst am I and in Darkness hid.
Black-burnt by that First Fire, Fire of my own Fire.
Black-burnt amid Stars, scorched by hearth and by forge.
I am He, I am She, that leapeth living from Star, Sun and Flame.
Blessed am I that have shod the Horses of Man,
That have clothed the Steeds of the Gods.
Brother and Twin of Heart are We, to All that are ridden by the Gods.
For it is Our Hand that hath taken the Bones of the Reddened One
from the Earth.
It is Our Hand that hath raised up the Soul of the Ancient in the Body of the Present.
Beneath a Serpent wast I chained, whilst Woman tended over me.
Poison kissed me, suffering taught me.
And from that Serpent new cunning I learnt.
By Curse and by Fetter, through black wordless ages,
Bound to the Altar-Bed of Pain,
My Self to my Self in Sacrifice given,
Til from that Serpent the Secret Name fell….
As sweetest nectar to my part’d lips!
Beneath the Venomous Cup of the Oracle,
Beneath the Horn’ Lips of the Snake,
Chained, accurst and blighted,
Wracked with the Agonies of Gods and of Men.
Goddess arch’d Heaven over me,
Goddess stretched Earth under me.
Priestess spake charms into me,
And from that Serpent new wisdom I gained.
My Self unto I in Sacrifice given.
Naught but Thy Poison hath been my sustenance,
Naught but Thy Susurrus hath stirr’d me to rise.
And by the Name given, all Power didst unfold,
A Waking of the Eldest I: The Spirit of the First Fire’s Vision,
The Ancient One of Eldest Dream!”

99 Kennings of Loki and a link to read

Posted in Uncategorized on October 25, 2012 by Tyrienne

Here is another real horrorshow and oomny link to feast your mighty glazzies upon:

http://www.uppsalaonline.com/uppsala/loki.htm

This came from a Helsman to a Lokisman who is a real Hoopy Frood and knows where his towel is, always.  (author unknown)

Another 99 adorations of Loki: (if you can find the first 99-send them to me, bitte!)

I adore You, Lie-Smith
I adore You, truth-teller
I adore You with Your scarred lips
I adore You, Silvertongue
I adore You, flame-haired
I adore You, Sigyn’s worry
I adore You, Sigyn’s joy
I adore You, Lady Death’s Father

I adore You, mother of monsters
I adore You, wolf’s father
I adore You, chaotic
I adore You, Lopt
I adore You, airy one
I adore You, hatchet man
I adore You, Thor’s boon companion
I adore You, father of Midgard’s boundary
I adore You who gifts us with vitality
I adore You who blesses us with blood
I adore You, B√Ĺleist‚Äôs brother
I adore You, insulter
I adore You, master satirist
I adore You, Waiter-Slayer
I adore You, Helblindi’s brother
I adore You, instigator
I adore You, sharpshooter
I adore You, pervert
I adore You, magician
I adore You, witch
I adore You, ergi
I adore You, spin doctor
I adore You, otter-killer
I adore You, friend to R√°n
I adore You, burden of Sigyn’s arms
I adore You, cave-bound
I adore You, Laufey’s loving son
I adore You, son of Farbauti
I adore You, Surt’s kinsman
I adore You who keeps the home fires burning
I adore You, wicked tease
I adore You, clever trickster
I adore You, frustrater of scholars
I adore You, prompter of flame-wars
I adore You, mothering milkmaid
I adore You, Tyr’s cuckolder
I adore You, Ska√įi‚Äôs lover
I adore You, Sif’s seducer
I adore You, transgressor
I adore You, liminal one
I adore You, Ska√įi‚Äôs scapegoat
I adore You, maid to Lady Thor
I adore You, runemaster
I adore You, crafter of Lævatein
I adore You, amuser of Skadi
I adore You, tormentor of goats
I adore You, unmanned one
I adore You, tester of Logi
I adore You, horseman of the esophagus
I adore You who were blackmailed by √ějazi
I adore You, gambler
I adore You who risked Your neck
I adore You, winner of the gods’ gifts
I adore You, handsome devil
I adore You, cunning √Āss
I adore You, troublemaker
I adore You, lover of Sigyn
I adore You, father to Narvi and Vali
I adore You, child’s champion
I adore You who eats women’s hearts and thinks to complain
I adore You, firestorm
I adore You, tempest
I adore You, falcon-cloaked
I adore You, shining salmon
I adore You, wild mare
I adore You, seal-shaped
I adore You, quarreler with Heimdall
I adore You, thief
I adore You, plotter against Baldur
I adore You, biting fly
I adore You, bitter crone
I adore You, unweeping one
I adore You, Angrboda’s husband
I adore You, chieftain
I adore You, bearer of Sleipnir
I adore You, grieving father
I adore You, Odin’s blood brother
I adore You, destroyer of worlds
I adore You, helmsman of Naglfari
I adore You, Hodur’s help
I adore You who forged the lock and hold the key
I adore You, unsilenced one
I adore You, raging fury
I adore You who are so sharp You’ll cut someone else
I adore You, friend of Freyja
I adore You, shapeshifter
I adore You, enchanter
I adore You, apple-trapper
I adore You, kinsman
I adore You, secret friend
I adore You, Loki Laufeyjarson

To Sigyn

Posted in Uncategorized on August 31, 2012 by Tyrienne

Hail to Sigyn, devoted wife and mother
Comforter to the forsaken
She, who embodies patience,
and braves all unearned scorn

I call to you, Victorious Beloved of Loki
She who keeps all vows she has spoken
She who find strength in suffering
She who loves without condition or fear
She who assuages the pain of those she protects

Noble woman!
Guide me to virtue
to be a devoted partner
A patient lover
and an enduring confidant

Praise to you, whose name is often unsung
I lift the horn to you,
She whose hands seldom are offered relief
I Hail you Sigyn,
to honor your strength and your sacrifices
In honor of your boundless love and devotion

Hail Sigyn! Wife of Loki, Mother of Gods!