I am not leaving.

I am not leaving. I deavtivated facebook, I vent on Reddit, I play my viola/cello/violin (badly), and text people one on one.

I find myself pulled, as if addicted to overstare details of the more fucked up moments I have seen in real life, real time, instead I am saving them up for future blog posts.

Basically: How do I live my life and try to respond to the challenges life throws my way with an Odinist ethic?

This is what I think about often, among other things. How do I msintain a consistent, ethical response to all life events to the very best I am able.

There is zero guidebook that informs you on how to respond to modern life written by Tyr Himself, nor even Odin.

After the Hamaval, it is just us, doing the best we can to represent virtues we value.

Sometimes, I regret that my primary focus is gross honesty.

This entire post is the equivilent of vaguebooking. Truth is, at this moment I am dealing with recent trauma I am attempting to assimilate into becoming a benign thought in a sea of other traumas.

The problem with being traumatized at a young age is the inevitability of finding new, more bizarre traumas seeking you to completely fuck up your entire view of yourself and how much or little your life interfaces with other people in your life.

I have very good friends, the best therapist, support networks for days. The worst decision I make in my life is interact with people who hurt me and I recoil like a fucking viper and randomly strike back with my flashbacks and try to get people, like my family, to care about the times I was strangled as a child because tgey didn’t help me enough, call 911, protect me.

The above paragraph is part of what I am objectively experiencing in my mind right now, I am stressed and overwhelmed. It triggers. Not the co opted word ‘triggered’. I am having a psychological/medical episode I am treating with medication and writing out my thought processes.

The writing content, intensity, and style changes as I manage phonecalls from my shrink and my friends checking in on me. It is embarrassing I need that, but I am very grateful to have them all.

The problem is this time this is something new. I never saw this before, and I am frightened for everyone else who has seen what I have, and my other problems seem so alien compared to seeing a disease worse than the worst disease you know literally eat the brains of your best friend like a goddamned zombie buffett.

I wish I could talk about it and vent everything, but I can’t until they literally die.

For what it’s worth, I estimate that will be in under a year unless he decides otherwise.

But seriously, don’t lie to your friends for ten years about your problems because the 11th hour quickly moves to midnight and leaves me with nothing left to work with.

P.s. my husband will be posting my blogs on The Lokean fb page. I might just delete this post anyway.

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2 Responses to “I am not leaving.”

  1. as someone with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, i completely understand what you are talking about. you are not alone in this. your experiences and emotions are valid. and you *can* heal from the traumas. triggers may always be there and there may be ones you haven’t stumbled on to yet (that’s one that i’m dealing with now, new triggers suck.) but you will find that they get easier to deal with in time. *gives big squishy hugs of support and encouragement*

  2. Thank you for the strength of perseverance you show in posting this. Thank you for not leaving, your words and the thoughts you share here would be deeply missed. You get some of us out here to really think and that honesty is what does it.

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