Archive for October, 2015

Honor Yourself. Honor your Heathen Spirituality

Posted in About me on October 28, 2015 by Tyrienne

When I was a child, I hated doing “girl” things- I liked jumping off of high playground objects, running, and occasionally beating boys up in the school yard.

For 2 years, I was sent to something called “Gender therapy”- it was utterly humiliating as an experience and simply caused me to deeply despise my birth gender even more deeply.

Now, as an adult with a hysterectomy with nothing but estogen coursing through my system…guess what?

If anything, I became more like my self as a child and made me recall how much of a little valkyrie I was as a child- and I also recall my father being kind enough to let me help with his “project” cars and occasionally help him run wires at work or go to computer shows with him.  At home, I built model airplanes. My Nana bought me jeans.

Life only REALLY sucked on Sundays- where my brother and I would be literally dropped off at a Lutheran church and left there- me, wearing something itchy, frilly, and and entirely antagonistic to everything inside of me.  I threatened nudity several times- our German Lutheran pastor was a saint of his kind.

Yes, I even used the line “I was born naked…if Jesus wanted me in a dress, I would have been born in one.”
I am not the only one.

The issue is not “FEMINISM!!!11!1!!1”

The issue is more looking back at the roots of our ancestry, the ancient graves and the fact that warrior-women are 100% part of pre-Christian warrior heritage.

This post is honestly inspired by a rare side effect of my recent surgery where when I am angry, I start randomly bleeding through the pores of my face making me look like I just ate a human heart.  It’s handy, it somehow secures immediate service from retail and medical staff in person.

Apparently, it’s not unheard of, but most of my symptoms of menopause have been entirely abnormal: Cold flashes (not hot), severe weight loss (not gain), however, I am indeed moody and in a desperation to regain control of volatile emotions I feel that are making me feel more violently protective of my household and those I love.

My form of “Feminine nurturing” is nothing like a loving mother duck… it is the angry She-Bear who will eat your face for even LOOKING at her cub.

…and I have no cubs.  I have close friends, and there is a youngling from college I feel rather maternal towards and I would gladly fight for any of them if they were wronged. (My attitude regarding poor life decisions still remains reasonable)

What I have been thinking about is this:  How many Northern Women were like me as children?  How many were fighters instead of the insufferable, simpering, and utterly brainless twats that society expected out of women in the 1980’s were humiliated and embarrassed for showing Heathen-honorable signs of courage and strength in childhood only to be beaten down by the establishment?

In a sense, it rather adds to the already existing cultural genocide of the egalitarianism of pre-Christian religions.

“A Woman’s work” is whatever she can do best….same as a dude.  If I had the choice of two hunters:  A veteran army sniper who was a woman, or a random dude with shiny new Cabella’s purchase, I think most would be with me in choosing the first.

Why such an extreme example?  Because women have to (and should) prove themselves.  There are women now in every branch of the military. There is a female army vet who served in Afghanistan now in Africa single-handedly teaching other women to murder poachers of endangered species. The top sword fighter in the world is also currently a woman- her name is Samantha Swords, appropriately.

Women can be badass- not all of them want to be, nor should they be forced to be if they do not have to proclivity towards these sorts of dangerous occupations.

As far as “What about the babies?!”- Honestly- men have as much responsibility after weaning children as women for bringing life into this world…and further, birth control in the form of teas and herbs have been available in almost all tribal cultures.

It is not difficult for me to believe that my ancestors enjoyed greater freedoms than I regarding their gender expression.  Hildebrandt Hexerei women were known rebels who dared to keep their Hildebrandt name and run woman-owned boarding house (sometimes called a brothel) with friggn’ peacocks in the yard smack in the middle of Amish country.
They were tolerated for over 100 years.  Why?  Because Hexerei and Brauchers were the closest thing to doctors for the Pa Dutch, and in that, my family knew that their knowledge of healing and hexing made them rather immune to cultural dictatorship since it was tradition that nothing was taught outside the family.

That’s pretty bad ass… and I’m proud to have that in my lineage.  I am proud my dad’s other side had an Austrian witch with hair down to her ankles who dressed exclusively in purple.

And, of course, I am proud of my Latvian ancestors who were farmers and diplomats-  if you have ever worked on a real farm in recent times- the division of labor is “whomever noticed the problem first”.  My ex-fiance’ was a farmer.  When I met his sister, the first thing his sister did is take me out to the middle of the pasture to show me the newest calf in the herd and to climb fences.

It made no sense that out of a family of people who honored their Norse heritage, that their daughter would try so hard to fit into the rigid roles defined by aggressive Christianity whereas the rest of the family was loosely UCC with strong Norse influence- making them by academic definition, a semi-indigenous family.

Seeing as I am married now- I did block them all not wishing my ex in my life, but not before noticing Brigid* (*Not her real name) was posting long laments about how she was taking classes on how to be a “submissive Christian wife”, and having no luck with the program, nor having any luck with men whatsoever.

Part of me believes, as strange and awful as this may sound to some, that when I met her I wished dearly I knew her prior to meeting her brother.  She had eyes the color of the sea in a Caribbean and her hair was long and wild, thick as the mane of a horse who had just ran across a field.  Beautiful girl, beautiful family.  She was like all the “positive” traits of her brother without the negative except in her own, outsider induced self hatred.

I am seeing Heathenry growing from many directions- the indigenous folks are realizing it’s “safe” and are now just beginning to speak. Usually first to an indifferent audience of reconstructionists finding no point of relation except from people who are either closer to their European ancestry by either being born there or raised within 2 generations of European immigrants who still kept their cultures instead of immediately discarding them in favor of pure materialistic aspirations.

Not everyone came to the USA to be rich- my Latvian family were religious exiles from the Stalinist regime that sent all Latvian ethnic groups to death in Siberia and then giving away their homes to “deserving” folks of Russian ancestry instead under the cold grip of communism where free speech was not even an option, much less freedom of religion.

My 83 year old grandmother who for years was typecast as the “featherhead” in the family…has changed my perception in recent years.

Realizing that English is her THIRD language after intensive college study in Linguistics was an eye-opener.  This is a woman who is blind as a bat in sunshine and still shovels her own snow, rakes her leaves, takes out her own garbage, and often walks for miles turning down rides from both neighbors and family as she carries at least 50lbs of groceries from supermarkets far from her suburban home where most rely on driving. (She hasn’t been behind the wheel since the 1970’s).

In her way, she is mighty.  She is a Heathen woman, and in watching her become less nervous about her own religious expression I have seen her flourish since our wedding where we showed her our statue of Janis and she cried tears of joy that I would actually ask to wear part of the traditional costume (A woven belt) of my ancestry.

To be proud of our ancestry is not to subjugate the speech or actions of others and scream that we are offended.

Our ancestry actually calls us to prove our worth by EXISTING AS WE ARE, and letting the world form around us accordingly.

In many forums, my online “voice” is gender neutral. I see no need to indicate my gender unless the topic itself requires it- but I feel my teeth grind when I see the words “….As a woman…” preceding any post unless it specifically relates to gender issues…and in most Heathen forums, few posts do.

When one writes “As a woman”, to me, that means you mistakenly believe that your vagina has a magical ability to make the content of your writing more viable or important as the perspective of “The Other” when it is entirely unnecessary in a folkish context.

Heathenry ADORES our woman-warriors! Never, in any organization or group in any sense have I seen nothing but admiration for woman who can hunt, who enter our military in combat positions, our female Heathen police officers, or any other “warrior” role that other religions seem to feel so disquieted about.

There is no “Honoring your inner woman.”
There is “Honoring yourself”- and that is the best advice for people of any gender.

Many may site that Seidr is a “Woman’s domain”- if so, then why did Freyja teach it to Odin?

Also- one of our primary battle-Gods is certainly Freyja- without argument.

The question is this:  If you are a parent and you are gifted with a Tomboy for a child…will you give her a chemistry set?  Allow her to explore the woods and teach her to defend herself?

That, I feel, is the true Heathen way. Remove the veil of Christian stereotype and oppression from our lives, and we will find that under over one thousand years of oppression, the strength of the Heathen heart beats strongly in our folk, male or female.

It is our birthright, it is utterly European, and Anthropologically speaking, the “oppression” so many focus on has basis and can be tracked to the spread of monotheism overwhelming egalitarian polytheistic culture.


Random “Vikings” meme.

I challenge anyone to find a culture where the status of women was actually improved by monotheistic intervention; I have tried and found none except in the sites indicating: “But now they are more modernized…”

Then, realize that so many Heathen polytheists are desperate to Homestead, that the realization that “modernization”, perhaps, is not truly something to be proud of in the isolation it forces upon us.  The ability to communicate at an instant has made it easier for loved one’s to live far distances from one another without motivation to live in mutually-supportive communities and neighborhoods filled with loved ones.

At this time- there is little incentive to move closer to one another.  Several groups that have are either blatantly racist in their ideology or terrified of being labeled as such.

In Philadelphian tradition- entire families buy out city blocks as part of a deep, local tradition to keep families together.  My former salon stylist was from Germany, not Italy, and the first thing his family did for each child of his large family was to assist them in purchasing a home within immediate proximity to take advantage of family ties and the care that comes with it.  It saved his life, literally, when he was diagnosed with cancer- his family pulled together and provided care for his animals, meals, and round the clock care after his surgeries and treatments to the point where he was so well-provided for simply in family resources he could still continued to perform the art he loved- considering he was older than 50, a male hairstylist, and flying in the face of all American Christian gender norms by choosing this profession in a less “friendly” time-

I noticed time and time again, those friends of mine from Europe place no emphasis on gender norms in the sense where it seems to be a preoccupation to the point of obsession currently existing in the USA.

I adore my friends in Denmark and Sweden who worship the Jotunr who change shape and gender at a whim and have taught me so much about European stances on gender and sexuality- and in learning that the 1950’s here was a strong campaign to fit women in tiny boxes of what was considered “acceptable” by a post-war culture where a “woman’s place” was in the factories and taking the place of men in every profession.

Upon the end of WWII, women were fired en-masse for the men arriving back from war.

The problem is NOT with the men, nor the women…but in the idea that anyone working in subservience to a corporate owner is acceptable when not even 100 years before, this was a country of farmers who lived and worked with their extended families and network of neighbors in exchange for giving away their time to spend with people they hate in workplaces they despise working for people who do not care about them as nothing more than a number.

The problems in this world are so much deeper than a gender divide, the toxicity of separation from our support networks and loved ones is far more problematic and is likely a strong reason why so many are lonely, depressed, and anxious.

Our families are lost in the sea of bombardment of messages of materialism and consumerism to under stand the deeper realization that we are back to living in a feudal-like system where most of us are peasants, or perhaps serfs to corperate overlords, our debts, and sometimes our own governments.

My life is unusual, but in a sense at times I feel like I live alone in a splinter-reality where the impossibility of living only to write to you, and to be online available to help many friends and strangers with their personal crisis’ with confidentiality has given me more purpose than any “typical” career.

Despite my fondness for graphs, diagrams, and organization, I would like to see less people placed inside of labels and called by Name.

To be known by your Name is better than any label anyone can ascribe to you.  That indicates you are making a difference and creating a legacy.  As long as your intentions are honorable- man or woman- opposition should not be attacked, but welcomed so we can better learn alternative points of view and actually speak to each other like adults instead of easily-offended children.

Don’t say the words “As a woman” to me.  Say to me “As a Heathen”,  and allow our ancestral spirituality and roots to guide you into a life of contentment in real work- even if it unpaid work, that is meaningful and fulfilling.

Cures for Minor Shit: How to survive years without enough official sick days.

Posted in About me on October 25, 2015 by Tyrienne

Greetings!  I am going through a phase of “Let me post practical, random shit I’ve learned” since I don’t have children to which to set a terrible example of medical self-care.

However, knowing that there is honestly such a thing as “I cannot afford to be sick in this inconvenient way” or even: “I am not going to a doctor unless I’m pretty sure I can die from this.” I realize I have learned a lot of great little tricks over the years to help cure very minor things via trying them myself and talking to random people over the years.  I am not a medical doctor, I am not any sort of “authority” on anything of this sort…but here are the horrible things I have done to cure annoying things over the years with success.

1. Ear infection: That painful, dizzy mess of awful: My former roommate Todd poured Hydrogen Peroxide into my ear for 3 days. One cap per ear, twice a day.  Pour it in- wait 5 minutes with your head on your shoulder, then drain it out.  It worked.  I keep doing it.  Still works.  I will likely go deaf one day from this.

2. Whiter teeth: Use literal hydrogen peroxide to wet your brush and dip it into literal baking soda.  It works well, but tastes awful.  Learned from a former “auntie” in the family, this was disgusting- but I did it for a while.

3. “It hurts when I pee- and there is no chance of STD’s”= 100% cranberry juice- accept nothing less.  Drink that entire bottle in a day with an equal amount of water.  Repeat.  Should be better in three days. (family remedy)

4. High fever-  I was supervising three stores and had no days off at age 25.  I had no days off.  Ancient Fed-Ex lady suggested I bathe “in the hottest water possible, as submerged as possible, and keep it hot for an hour”, afterwards, put on several layers of clothing and nest in all blankets.  Beat the fever at it’s own game by making your body temperature even higher!   Hallucinate you’re a catfish!  Try this for only ONE night.   Either you will be cured in the morning or wake up with bronchitis, pneumonia, and an ear infection (see #1).  Then see a real doctor.  Effectiveness without doctor? 50/50.

5. “Oh shit- I cut myself and the bleeding is inconveniently too strong for bandaids.”  Although I have tried to stitch myself up once to poor result- my Dad has a novel method of curing cuts.  First, wash it out.  if there are debris, use a toothbrush and a leather strap to bite on.  Keep the strap, you’ll need it for what’s next: take a Bic lighter and hold the flame for a solid minute:  After the minute, roll the metal part of the lighter over your cut.  This only works for superficial wounds.   If you want to keep the cool scar- use that flame on your trusty pocket knife blade which will get sooty.  It will cauterize and kill the bacteria, you will smell like burning flesh, it will hurt like hell- but you will feel totally badass.

Speaking of:

6. Tetanus (or other basic) shots:  Avoid the doctor’s visit expense and see if your pharmacy offers them instead.  Way cheaper.

7. Congestion: Generic Guaifenesin. Mucinex is fucking expensive…that is the only ingredient to care about, honestly.

8. Cold/flu:  There is no point in even bothering with the doctor- you need to ride that out. However, it is much easier with a stock of 100% fruit juice bought on sale, granola bars which are fairly easy to choke down even if annoyingly nauseous, and sleep.

9 “I am fucking dying” cold/flu.  Save up $25 and buy that blue Tylenol cough syrup.  One tiny bottle lasts five years because the taste of this stuff is like licking the asshole of a fire demon who lived on Taco Bell.  You will only ever take a swig of this awful concoction when you feel so fucking bad that you can’t remember what it tasted like last time.  (Dad remedy)

10. Lyme’s Disease:  Go to the Doctor, get on shitty antibiotics, but take Bromelain to help break down the virus walls.  Found in any health food store.  One bottle was enough for both my treatment as well as a kinsman’s.- learned via my florist. One of the few holistic supplements that hasn’t been hamstringed.

11. Yeast infection:  Before I had more surgery on my internal female organs than Jenner, yeast infections come as a bonus gift with any genetic, gynecological condition.  Monostat is fucking expensive:  some hippies I know take a clove of garlic and shove it up their hoohahs like a tampon.   You will always know which of your female friends has “the itch” by the reek of garlic about them for several days.  Patchouli can’t even cover the stench, but at least it’s (alleged) 100% effective.  If you want to get “fancy”- cut a small groove in your clove and attach a string.  Cry when you lose half your clove of garlic. (High school friend)

12. Things To go to the hospital for in 2015:
a. “I can’t Breathe”
b. “It’s amputated/fell out, put it back please”
c. “My chest hurts randomly and I was not just doing dumbell flies.”
d. “I am in so much pain in my torso I crumpled into fetal position and prayed for Death.”
e. “I’m suicidal”
f. “Hey! I can see my own bone!”
g. Bad Car accident. Even if you don’t hurt…yet.  Just accept the ambulance. You have whiplash. Trust me.
h. “I ingested something, my fingers are numb” or other poisonings
i:  Scorpion/snake bites.
j. Anything that occurs within 3 days after surgery listed on the post surgical instructions to see the ER.
k. Fever of 105 degrees.  Don’t be me, don’t drive yourself.
l. Being abused: The ER will help with this oddly enough…but won’t help people who are fucking hallucinating.  When you        realize you’ve made some hardcore shitty choices in life, the ER is there for you.

…or anything else you think can kill or maim you if not treated immediately.

13.  Things not to go to the ER for.
a. “Just checking to see if it’s “Okay”… Nope.  Not anymore, they don’t care.. especially pregnant ladies. Please see an Urgent Care, not an ER.  I watched a woman miscarry in a waiting room of an ER and no one cared but her and I.  It was fucking awful because I was experiencing “d” at the time, and she just wanted a “safety check” after a fall. Well, so much for that- If she wasn’t taken in before I was, I was going to give my spot up to her.  Holy shit, our healthcare is terrible now!
b. “My kid shoved something up his nose but seems perfectly fine”- call a pediatrician, the person with “f” is below you in triage and is bleeding to death because your child decided to play “piggy bank” with your collector’s dimes.
c. “I’m hallucinating”- again, seems like something to go to the ER for, used to be, now is not.  Make an appointment with your doctor.  The ER won’t do shit for you unless you are poisoned or have a fever above 105 degrees.
d. “I’m bleeding a lot over a superficial wound” – suck it up, get the lighter.  Hands especially bleed because of the excess of capillaries.  You are not dying- you will wait 8 hours slowly bleeding at the very bottom of triage.  The webbing bleeds the most- the webbing between your fingers is the least important part of your hand if you didn’t cut into muscles.
e. Fever under 103.  I go at 105, but under 103 is a doctor visit.
f, Bronchitis.  WTF.  If you are familiar enough to diagnose yourself with it, you should know by now you just need Zithromax and a week off.  Family doctor Rx.
g, “My throat is itchy”- Benedryl.  It’s 4.99 generic.  Fuck you, lady who was speaking perfectly fine who claimed her “throat was closed”.  Me and Miscarriage lady were going to murder you in that ER that day…if we were able to stand up and walk over to you to slap the stupid out of you.  Seriously.
h. “Well, looks like I need that super-specialized surgery I’ve known about for years afterall..” despite reassurances from the on-call line for my doctor’s office, No.  Do not go to the ER, they will not have the specialist, they will not keep you and give you the surgery unless you are literally septic.  Go to the specialist and get a thousand unnecessary tests your insurance calls necessary.
i. Chest pains after doing dumbell flies with too much weight.  You didn’t give yourself a heart attack, you tore your pecs.
j, Kidney stones:  If you know you have them, you have painkillers.  The ER will do nothing, call your urologist in the morning and suck it up for the night.
k. A doctor’s note. Everyone in the waiting room assumes you are there for someone else…until you said your ankle “kinda hurts and want a doctor’s note”.    You will be in our prayers….to be devoured by a pack of small, yippy dogs.

Basically, do not go to the ER if you are not in fear of dying or maimed without immediate attention.  ER’s suck.

14. Get FMLA as soon as you or an immediate family member has a condition that requires it.  Even if you don’t technically have “sick days”- you will not be fired if you have FMLA- Family Medical Leave Act.  We are no longer a first world country- we have 3 generations of debt-slaves.   This is one thing the government has in place (for now) to protect you, kind of.

15. If you can afford great medical care- take none of this advice

420.  Nausea/vomiting/anxiety/flashbacks/depression= Medical Cannabis.

Pi: OJ or hot tea with honey and lemon.  Drink this when your immune system sucks.  Eat garlic.  Live another day.

Other obscure tips:

Before any bowel prep for a colonoscopy or other surgery, go on a liquid diet 3-5 days prior to the proceedure. Your anus will be happier for it- but buy some Tucks medicated pads anyway.

The best lotion ever for weird dry skin is called “Udderly Smooth”- it has a cow print on all packaging, your pharmacy will order it.

The best coldsore treatment I’ve found is called “Nose Better”- it is either in-stock, or can be ordered by the pharmacy.

The expensive sudafed you can take off the shelf doesn’t work.  Suck it up and take the card of the real stuff to the pharmacy.  One box of sudafed will not get you on a watch list.

Most holistic supplements are complete crap from the stores and are mostly fillers.  The only way to get good Valerian or St. John’s Wort is to grow it.  Triptophan comes from a turkey dinner.  Chamomile is best when picked and dried yourself.  Your teabag is also a liar.

Bad things I’ve learned:

Everything you enjoy causes kidney stones if you have kidney stones.  Make your own choices.

If you cannot afford a second opinion, call your insurance company/hospital for advice.  There is always a way to get a second opinion without a second copay- and it’s always complicated and obnoxious.

If you are not a medical marihuana patient and believe you accidentally smelled some burning bud, drink a gallon of water, avoid fats for 48 hours, and have some “cleanse tea” from pretty much any grocery store.

If you are not a medical marihuana patient and you are still smoking at a job that drug tests: You know your risks.  If you “need” it, go to a fucking doctor.

Basic First Aid supplies Everyone should own:
Rubbing Alcohol
Hydrogen Peroxide
Benedryl- generic
a good ace bandage
an exacto knife (in package) if you are brave enough to remove your own splinters/cysts/warts.
Topical antibiotic for those who are as reckless as I am with the exacto knife.
Tums/Pepto Bismal – or something similar (Stomach calmer)
Imodium- or something similar (anti-diarrhea)
Ducolax pills- or something similar. (anti-constipation)
Basic painkillers: Aleve, Aspirin, Tylenol, and ibuprofen.  Depending on your other medications, at any time, 3/4 on this list will be excluded from your life.  Which 3 will change every. single. time.
Generic Halls- like cough drops with mentolyptus and the gross gooey centers in a flavor you tolerate.
Best flavors for me: Honey Lemon, Gingerale, Strawberry.  Worst: Cherry, grape, and cough syrup flavors.
Valium- if you can get it prescribed.  (Other countries have it over the counter in low doses)
Good tweezers.
Ginger ale- it keeps forever.  I drink it when I don’t feel well.  Heck, craving ginger ale after all these years is a pretty good indicator I am about to feel miserable in less than a day medically speaking.

Necessary medications and some sort of indication they are necessary: Inhalers, epi-pens, and daily medication necessary to continue living.  For me, that would be my heart pills, my inhaler…and I can die if I get stung by wasps and should have a new epi-pen.  I don’t have a new one because I used the old one 6 years ago.

Running from wasps instead of staring them down is humiliating…but pulling a huge needle out of your thigh is also something I do not enjoy.  I should really get that epi-pen.

Minor medications are minor: hormones, valium and other “take as needed”- instead of on schedule, and pills needed for specific situations like narcotic painkillers, strong prescription antacids, etc… you will not die for not having these if you do not have the ability to pay for them.  It sucks.

Get a med alert bracelet made by buying a cheap laser-tag at your local pet superstore and list your allergies.  Med alert official bracelets are bloody expensive.   As an alternative, I have considered tattooing my allergies on me since doctors are rushed, scarce, and do not care about you in an ER and wonder why I don’t improve when they give me medication I have always been allergic to.  Sadly, I am allergic to most antibiotics.  That’s kind of a pain in the ass- Also, it means that the ‘wrong’ one’s not only do not work, they can kill me (either by “not working” or anaphalactic shock)

This post today was inspired by the flu.  My immune system is absolute shit from the surgery and I get every single contagion that comes within 10 feet of me.  It sucks, I can’t sleep. I ache, and I am smart enough to know there isn’t shit to do about it except rest and maybe take a shot of that terrifying blue cough syrup.

I despise feeling sick.  I noticed many Heathens get weird about common sicknesses and hate that “helpless” feeling.

I can’t decide which is worse, feeling sick or feeling helpless.

Feeling both at once should be avoided if possible.

Got a fever?  I do not recommend setting yourself on fire.  Unless I hate you, then, DIAF. (Artist unknown)

Got a fever? I do not recommend setting yourself on fire. Unless I hate you, then, DIAF.
(Artist unknown)

Buy. Some. Land. (Here is how in the USA)

Posted in About me on October 23, 2015 by Tyrienne
Our backyard. Photo credit to Ed Anderson

Our backyard. Photo credit to Ed Anderson

One of the absolute indisputable, universal, simple centers of all Heathen (and most Pagan) ritual life is found in our relationship and stewardship of the land.   To break away from the faux-Western ideal of “conquering” land with man-made objects and the war against lawn grass in favor of native flora and edible plants against the status quo of wasted time trimming lawns is almost becoming a subculture in itself.

Before I continue- I think it must be stressed that in this age of debt and over-extension of the finances of most of the population in the United States is working on creating it’s third generation of apartment dwellers- and I was one of them.  It is beginning to feel like societal pressures are now making home ownership seem “impossible” or even “undesirable”.

In older terms, this is an acceptance of your own Serfdom…but if we are all going to be Serfs to this corperate ogliarchy, please at least consider that the mortgage payments, bills, and expenses of a reasonably priced home on some land in most states is usually comparable to that of renting an apartment.

I rented for most of my adult life because, simply, I traveled often and had no roots “tying” me to any particular area, and I frequently lived out of state and occasionally abroad.  Now that I am in my 30’s with aging family members, even without children the realization kicks in that as a Heathen, my responsibility lies at this point of time in being “present”, even if unneeded, in case there is a medical issue with my inlaws, my grandparents, my father…even if they do not wish or accept my help.  The willingness to live in State #49 in economic development as opposed to  “exploring out” to Oregon or Colorado, although attractive aspirations earlier in life- just are not practical any longer.

In this realization that I will be in Pennsylvania for likely several years, the idea paying rent felt like the equivalent of flushing our money down the toilet- especially since in most apartments these days (Like my former ones) do not provide timely or even ‘Good’ service regarding repairs and maintenance to the point where I realized I was fixing ALL problems that were typical to a home ownership without compensation by my slumlords, while the OTHER problems with our old place were directly as a result from negligence and filth of our neighbors within the same building.

I was surprised to discover that home ownership is actually easier than it is made out to be- and here, we are faced with another Lie of American culture: That only those of high income can afford a mortgage.

Well, sure- if you are going to buy a cookie-cutter McMansion in a soul-less development devoid of any real nature outside of lawn grass and red-mulch flower beds filled entirely with useless, non-native ornamental plants and neighbors driving leased Audi’s… (*cough*…Dad…)

Anyway, The importance of land stewardship regarding those who find themselves aligning themselves with a Odinist/Heathen outlook on life becomes almost like a yearning; prior to home ownership I used to “adopt” streams in local parks and clear them out alone as my personal meditation.  I guess I made the stream vaetirr happy enough with me that Ed and I were blessed with finding a cheap property with both an indiginous stream as well as a spring-stream that feeds it that bubbles gently about 10 feet away from the deck.

Now, don’t think we ended up anyplace fancy- our ranch home was listed as “900 sq. feet” which I doubled by finishing the basement with a good cleaning, some carpeting, and minor repairs.  For cost:  I used carpet squares which are easily found and replaceable.

Anyway, if you know you aren’t going anywhere for a couple of years, it’s worth the time and effort to get out of the apartment hole and get yourself a home with enough land to satisfy your desire for stewardship (and fresh produce) within a township with minimal restrictions, no Home Owner’s Associations (HOA’s), and preferably a low crime rate.

Things to take into consideration:
1. Space/rooms needed for family.
2. Commute.
3. City ordinances.
4. Not being pressured/pushed into taking out more than you can afford.
5. ‘Handiness” or a willing to learn basic (and some not so basic) home repair and maintenance.

First, calculate your current bills per month and then hold that number against your income.   The mortgage of your home should not exceed 25% percent of your monthly income- to my friends in New England and California who are currently laughing at this- keep in mind few live in Danbury, CT, Londonderry, NH, or most of the Western part of Massachusetts (past Worchester aka ‘Wooster’), or in Northern NY.

I cannot speak for the West Coast because I do not live there, but I am told, as per most of our country, that the less densely populated areas “in the boonies” are generally far cheaper…and the “boonies”?  That’s woods, folks.  We like woods!

Anyway, I’m on SSDI- very, very fixed income. My spouse works as a machinist and we are both incredibly cheap/thifty people… to the point where I have been banned from all grocery shopping for my penchant for filling the cart with the $2 meat du jour to undesirable results gastronomically. (Oh, and Ramen…I think we have finally whittled down my $1 CASE of ramen after 2 solid years).

Okay.  This is not an immediate process.  All total it will take you a year if you are working on this alone.  It is true that purchasing a home is complicated, but not impossible.

First:  Find a credit union you qualify for (if you can)…and if not, a very small local bank with a good reputation for customer service.  Befriend this bank- put your direct deposit there, your savings, buy a cheap car using their loan program and pay it back.  This will lessen your “risk” with that particular bank in way where if you would be rejected by larger lenders, your personal accountability will “boost” your ability to score a mortgage with a decent interest rate.

Second.  Fix your credit.  Credit is a set of imaginary numbers made of by three companies that usually are seeking to dick over the average consumer.  Each year we are permitted ONE FREE CREDIT REPORT. Yay.  On this report, you will likely find countless errors, debts that you paid off years ago that still count against you if they went to collections, things mis-attributed to your score that simply make no sense and other shenanigans.

Yes.  This can mostly be fixed.  Your goal score is 650 in this present economy.  In the credit scores of my spouse and I we found that since he has a common name, the “issues” that lowered his score were simply debts that belonged to other people with the same name.   Simple, stern phone calls between the debt collector and Experion (who did the most misreporting) provided that by only providing Ed’s social security number had those issues resolved within a day or two.

As for me- my income was unsteady throughout my 20’s in being “out in the world” and stuck with various degrees of shitty roommates.   It got to the point where my “like” of roommates is directly relational to whether or not they dicked me over repeatedly on bills or not…and that includes exes.  Since I paid off most off my debts by age 30, I was able to convince most companies to remove their negative reports by explaining each situation and indicating each debt was paid.

As for student loans… although mine were forgiven entirely, they did not budge on removing a default despite the fact there is literally no debt owed.  Sallie Mae is one of the few, true evils of this world.  Luckily for us, the rest of the finance industry knows this as well.

In honesty, most of my debt has been in medical expenses over the years.  Don’t ignore those- some say they “don’t count” in credit scores.  That depends on the bank, but if you are within 6 years of the original debt, making even the slightest efforts to pay off that garbage will get it removed.  The hospitals know that our healthcare costs are insane;  I still have a $900 ambulance-transfer bill from when I had complications from major surgery in 2011- I was able to dispute the bill and suspend it.  How?  Because I was given no choice about being transferred from my local hospital to the hospital where my surgery took place after complications began and no option to have a family member drive me there…. medical malpractice can also be financial in that way.   Since I called about the issue- it was put “under review” by the hospital and removed from my credit report.

Cool part?  They haven’t bothered me about it since.  In talking to others, this happens often in the world of medical billing; it is easier to collect on a debt that is clearly owed than one disputed and not worth the cost and effort for them to fight if there is any question at all about the legitimacy of the charges.  I was very fortunate. (But not quite so fortunate enough to not have complications with the latest surgery…at least they aren’t billing me, just ignoring me until I hit the 90-day mark…when I can do more to safeguard future patients from my negative experience post-surgically inpatient. (They gave me two medications to which I was on-record as allergic and ALSO forgot to administer my heart medication…and then kicked me out before I could even sit up without assistance.  This will be a fun, quick fight when it happens…another post, perhaps.)

Do NOT pay to check your credit score- each time your score is “pulled”- it somehow hurts your credit. (How charming).

If you cannot pay off your debts entirely, no worries- start making an effort to pay them.  It honestly does help.

The sneakiest way to know how much your credit has improved is look at the quality of your junk mail- when companies other than Capital One are offering you cards with decent interest rates, you are likely doing fine.  American Express is a great indicator.  Right now they are sending offers for “6 months no APR and 10% interest after!”- which is still shit, but better then the offers of “Get a prepaid $500 Capital One Card to build your credit! Only 25% interest for 6 months!” …which is shit.

DO NOT TAKE THE CREDIT CARD.  We have no credit cards. None.  By your 30’s you should have enough bills in your history that it is a lie that credit cards are a necessary part of credit building.  Student loans, car payments, timely bill payments, and rent all contribute to your credit score.  Living within one’s means is critical; modern society strives to convince us otherwise to take out too much, live in places that are too expensive, and to live lives without sacrifice of any creature comforts.  It’s better to live without than to end up underwater financially.  Ed is my dishwasher, and I am his handyman.  Cutting out all unnecessary expenses such as cable, credit cards, and maximizing the use of your resources in knowledge and elbow grease goes a long way. Anything plugged in draws current- dishwashers make your water bill explode into triple digits, and there is no need, as a Heathen particularly, to need the absolute newest technologies when you can get the “newest/best technologies” from previous years for next to nothing from online refurbishers or real life pawn shops. (I get my computer stuff from here. )

This is the new laptop.  I splurged and spent $350 for a durable 2011 HP EliteBook,,,,the same computer with only a marginally speedier processor is well over $1000 for the 2015 version of the same machine which actually is less durable than the 2011.   When purchasing electronics, reviews from prior years are essential- a top of the line model from 5 years ago CAN equal or even surpass current models.  Alienware is notorious for this since they were purchased by Dell lowering the quality of their gaming machines compared to prior to their merger, as an example.

I like to mess with my computers: I do most of my own repairs and upgrades (or ask friends/family for help if needed) add Linux and do some light programming on occasion-  on many websites a simpler machine than mine can be had for as low as under $100, sometimes, even $50 if all you need it for is basic tasks such as paying bills, social networking, and writing.  If you do not write- you might not even need a computer.  A smartphone from a prior year works fine.  (That’s what I’ve been using the past few weeks in conjunction with an ancient tablet we honestly kept in a closet for years)  For a phone?  I use the “free” one from my carrier.  It’s bottom of the line, but the warranty is nice.  I require my phones to make calls, pay bills, and give me directions to destinations turn by turn.  Considering I used a damned atlas to take me from Philadelphia to Tulsa- even writing that sentence is an oddity and amazement at what technology is required to exist and function without being entirely cut-off from the world.  In a perfect world, we’d be spending most of our time in nature- but we don’t.  Only you can determine your level of technological immersion.

Anyway, #3- get pre-approved for a mortgage via your credit union or banking office….even before you begin looking at homes.  Based on our income, I figured our upper limit for a home purchase with a 30 year mortgage (we don’t plan on going anywhere) would be 130k- with an ideal number being 100k or under to lower our current expenses in the transition from apartment to an actual house.  We secured under a 5% interest rate with only 3% down on the total mortgage cost for closing.  Keep in mind this is based on my credit score at the time of literally 666…not my husband’s stellar 700+ (After a year of fighting to correct misattributions of debts over his incredibly common name)…and my SSDI does count as steady income as much as being employed would.

Note: For those of you who are single on SSDI- there are programs available that one can find via your city, state, and SSDI itself to give discounts and assistance in getting out of an apartment.  They were created mostly in the 1950’s and 1970’s to prevent disabled homelessness and have been virtually ignored and forgotten.  It is actually EASIER to keep your house on Disability than (the usually shitty) apartments they offer.  Since I am married, these programs did not apply to us.  Veterans, however, have it the easiest in this case with the additional support of the VA and other organizations.  I received no assistance in purchasing a home, but found out later I could have.

One misconception in Heathenry is that our government programs are a sort of “charity” that should be shunned- but in the absence of a real community and strong family structures these programs now shoddily fill in the gaps that used to be covered by the community/family.  With the insane inflation, it is judicious to make use of every single resource available to you without bias.  It is not worth shooting yourself in the foot over a misplaced sense of “honor” when our government financial system is entirely without honor in the first place.  These are not people- they are simply corporations serving as government contractors that provide all incentives and services in home-purchase.   No one is going to starve from you taking advantage of incentives and programs in your area, income bracket, or any other strange qualifier.  If anything, you are making a single 1%-er slightly less grossly wealthy….and if you worked a single day in your life in a shitty ass job to afford your rent…that is one more day than anyone in most positions of US financial power ever accomplished of honest work.   I would love to see a congressman who delivered pizza, worked retail, and bartended concurrently to make rent without insurance, days off for years, or appropriate life-sustaining compensation.

You won’t find one- they all come from families of wealth, and should not listen to their base biases against the middle and working classes regarding income vs. intrinsic value of a human’s existence.

Born into insane affluence= lack of respect for the careers in retail, manual labor, and restaurant in which most of us “peasants” have toiled in unpaid overtime without health benefits, 401k’s, or the nice things our parents and grandparents both enjoyed and voted against continuing for subsequent generations in favor of military spending, “protecting Christian values” (which frequently contradict Heathen values), and voting to cut taxes…for higher classes of people that they assumed one day would be their own birthright to ascend to via “The American Dream.”

The American Dream in the form of us all being fabulously wealthy is dead.  The sooner this is realized, the sooner we can go back to “Everyone in their own home and a chicken in every pot”,  (Or, with current legislative trends: Pot in every chicken with appropriate medical clearances).

#4.  Find a GOOD realtor who specializes in starter homes.  We picked a high school friend of mine who had successfully homed many of our classmates over the years.  Knowing our realtor well and having one who was within my active social network is protection.  Realtors get work (or do not) via their reputations.  Our realtor has wonderful traits:  She was busy with clients, prompt with information, well connected, and informed and made optimal use of technology to keep in touch with people as easily anxious as my husband and I.  (If you live in Bucks/Lehigh county, Pennsylvania- Her name is Marcie Purcell)

One myth that must be addressed is that the buyer pays for the realtor- Not so!  It comes from the sale of the house.  Working with a realtor is a true give/take relationship where you get what you put into the relationship.   Making a list of the bare minimums you are looking for in a home and a price range are good place to start.  We found the place we are currently living in in our first trip looking because we were clear on our needs, price range, and ability to make repairs

Here were our requirements:

1. Cheap: In this area, that is under 115k- but I have friends in Detroit who bought a block of Victorian homes for under 10k a piece and relocated their online graphic design business for the lower cost of living in an abandoned city.
2. No Home Owner’s Association.  This gives us greater freedom to use the land as we choose and decorate our home without silly restrictions.  Additionally, HOA’s have high fees with no return except for grief over more people meddling with your life than necessary.
3. The land must be completely owned, including mineral rights.  No trailer parks or leases on the land that need to paid monthly in addition to the mortgage.  If you are going to go through all this work to purchase a home- don’t half-ass it.  Own the land you live on as well. (My township holds mineral rights to the owner of the property and does not sell them to outside buyers.)
4. No oil heat because the price varies too much to be stable and replacing a heating system is extraordinarily costly.  Further, considering our country seems to believe oil is “currency” despite our wealth of this natural resource, we are never more than a raspberry at an Arab Sheikh away from another oil crisis, shortage, or insane inflation.
5. Isolation.  We do not need a school district and we’re misanthropes who prefer “nature” over “strangers”.
6, Single floor preferred.  It saves hugely on utility costs.  Every time I see a vaulted ceiling I wince thinking about the cost to heat all that empty space in unpredictable Pennsylvania winters. Heat rises. if your ceilings are taller than most ladders you are doing a fantastic job at keeping all the warm air around the light fixtures rather where you live.

So… in the house hunting process- keep in mind your own level of expertise with repairs and the skills of those you trust most.   People you trust most are generally people in your life for several years and remain consistent as positive people to your existance, Heathen or not, who you have helped with moves/repairs in the past.   I like living via a barter system if at all possible with friends and acquaintances.  Most of my friends simply require “beer and pizza”.

We found a 900sq ft ranch  house for under 100k on over half an acre of land in between two mountains on the very outskirts of Reading in a town with very few ordinances with even less permit requirements.  We can have chickens.

The downside was it took over a month to fix-up to make habitable after the old man we bought it from let the place fall into disrepair- although overwhelming to look at- flaws that are cosmetic should NOT factor into your decision for a purchase of the home itself…except in the case of the one house we saw in pictures that was wallpapered entirely in orange and brown cats.   Tearing down wallpaper is a rough time for me…but on the otherhand, we replaced the entirety of the bathroom except for the tub in 2 days.   I suppose it depends on what one is able/willing to correct.  Our back porch roof will likely need to be resupported this winter since I was too sick to repair it over the summer with the surgery…and our deck needs some boards replaced.  The shed was once nice…likely in 1983; but thanks to moving to a good,laissez faire township, it will be recycled into a chicken coop in the spring. (which, apparently, was what was there prior.)

I understand and realize not everyone has the true advantage of being able to use tools correctly on account of about 30-50 years worth of devaluation of manual labor in favor of getting everything “fixed” on demand by contractors…but no matter what the age you are currently: you can learn how to change an outlet, fix a toilet, install a light fixture/fan, and even minor carpentry.

But still, Heathen needs tend towards having a bit of land to steward and care for- which provides habitat and food for wildlife moreso than the typical American lawn.   Our incentive to terraform comes from a deep loathing of mowing the lawn on both of our parts and also the strange phenomenon that occurs when one plants trees it creates an illusion over time of more space instead of less… and much more opportunity for augery and other types of divination by creating habitat.  Over the summer since I was so restricted physically by my medical issues, I was still able to dredge out both streams and deepen them simply by relaxing and tossing rocks away from the natural silt/sand base creating deeper reservoirs for fish and other aquatic creatures while creating a sort of dam-in-progress that serves to protect the property from flooding slightly.   We were also fortunate that most in our neighborhood fish, liked our idea, and followed suit.

It’s amazing what a little bit of your own labor can do to inspire others.  We now see trout more often on “high water” days, and a great blue heron even spent a lovely couple of days chilling in our yard.

The importance of owning your own land in Heathenry is that this is land that you can sanctify, work closely with, and bring it “back to nature” in a way that is mutually beneficial for yourself, the local wildlife, and even your neighbors who benefit from the literal fruits that occur in time.  Space used for ornamental gardens can be equally ornamental with useful, native plants for your region.  Some organizations are even willing to certify your land as “habitat”- such as Audobon.  Here in Pennsylvania this link is useful to determine what is best for you and your personal needs.  Use native where you can, rip out all invasive species (Ed actually did that first- Goodbye Asian Honeysuckle…), clear all human trash from the property.  If you have a water feature such as streams/creeks like we do- continually pick up human trash as you see it, as well as from the front yard.  Encourage the growth of native saplings growing in inconvenient places by moving instead of killing them.

In spring, just spend $20 and rent a roto-tiller from your local hardware store (or borrow one from a landscaper friend) and just plow out where you want gardens.  The more gardens, the less mowing.  Weeding can be handled by focusing only on species that are harmful to your gardening goals, a random sunflower in the garden in good luck and won’t really bother much.  Use organic methods of pest control.  Marigolds around tomatoes rather than pesticides to repel nemotodes, for instance.   Poisoning the land with chemicals creates only the superficial appearance of “health”.  Same goes for inside the home… we were well aware this house had a rodent problem prior to making our first bid.  Having three cats and a dog solves it without traps or poisons, and we are separate enough from our neighbors that their poisoned mice don’t make it to our property.

Regarding making bids and closing on a house, my perspective is a bit outside of the norm.  Honestly, as long as the numbers equaled to significantly less than the upper limit we set for ourselves in expenses, we were not like some who try to wrangle every penny out of a seller that was already flat-broke.   We put more funds and expectations on inspections to do that for us.  If I have a regret, it would be not “playing dumb” regarding the ancient furnace…but even that was fixable for $20 and an insufferable day of misery. (Note: I was miserable anyway 10 days past surgery.)

In our case, there was a title company error with our mortgage after all paperwork is signed.  There should be no additional closing costs after closing day- but one problem is that occasionally unethical people will try to say otherwise.   Having a great realtor helped in sorting it out for us and getting a fee we were not legally liable for dismissed from our table and placed on the shoulders of the bank and title agent.

There is no such thing as a “perfect” experience unless you have the means to purchase a home in full with a suitcase stuffed with hundred dollar bills.  Yes, we are now in debt to the bank for $90k-ish…but our monthly payments and bills actually amount to far LESS than I ever paid for an apartment in this state.

Other new homeowners among my friends noticed a similar phenomenon across the board:  The truth is apartment companies and landlords are mostly gouging criminals who want to get you for as much money as they can.   When leaving an apartment for a home- be aware that you cannot be charged for “normal wear and tear” such as carpeting or cracks in the wall from building settlement.  If your former landlords attempt to charge you, please look up your local laws regarding the matter and possibly involve a state representative to protect your rights as a tenant.

I believe the goal, ultimately, is true self sufficiency.  Our ground water tastes better than what spills from our tap- many friends of ours are in the solar panel industry in one way or another so “shadowing” a friend for a day to learn how to install them is a worthwhile goal.

As for nature in the winter?  Easiest way to get your ass outdoors is NOT to install a fence and get a dog.  Seriously- get a good dog.  Dogs are awesome.  They are better than doorbells, warm in the winter, and if well trained and taught well- actually work with you.   Just via websites and youtube videos without a class our dog is better trained than most children even PRIOR to her upcoming service-training.  Having a stream that changes flow depending on the time of day has created a wonderful system of waste removal. Dogs prefer not to step on their own shit as much as we do, so when she figured out how the stream “worked”- that is where she goes.  When it’s cold, she stays on the banks (There are coyotes and foxes here.  My dog is smaller than a coyote- the environmental impact is non-existent with our high water table).

We have the start of a compost heap which serves the dual purpose of not wasting vegetable/fruits as well as hopefully providing a future base of rich soil to use on the gardens.  Further, the local wildlife digs having the extra food source.

Pet food that is not eaten goes outside to our Odin/Cernunnos altar in a small bowl.  The local corvid and spotted skunks seem to like it.   The only “issue”, if this is one- is the the alcoholic doe that likes getting smashed on our hard cider offering bowl. But, then again, neighbors tell us she also steals beer cans left on porches and drinks the puddles under the recycle bins of the heavier drinkers in our immediate area.

We have had no problems with local wildlife interfering with our lives except for the occasional wasp nest.

We try to keep the skunks content because they are beautiful and they keep the neighbor kids off our lawn… Natasha the dog will undoubtedly learn the hard way to leave them alone in time.  But, that’s what tomato juice is for.

I hope this helped some, and although I am no real estate agent nor expert on the topic- I can say that it just feels “right” to own a home in a way that renting never did.  We are still making monthly payments- but they actually MEAN something.

Most of you are likely doing your own repairs anyway- or waiting on some shady-ass landlord to send a contractor that never *quite* makes it to your home.

But, I would rather pay money to my credit union who leaves us alone as long as they get their money than be a slave to the whims of another human who had the legal right to sell any building they own, at any time- to place restrictions on what we could do in our own living space regarding alterations, or suddenly add additional costs every year in ways that are never explained.

Here, we are at the mercy of taxes…but again, we don’t have kids, taxes are based on property values, and we bought “cheap” for our county in Pennsylvania.  We took out a long mortgage to keep monthly costs down and our home improvements we’ve been able to make (ripping out carpets, sealing the floors, painting, replacing, fixing, etc) have raised our property value enough that in line with other homes in the area, we would not find ourselves at loss to sell.

As Heathens, our people are the ultimate good neighbors- we’re generally quiet, kind, and we like to fix things up.  There may be a giant brushstroke of cranberry red on the side of the house where I had to quickly retreat from a wasp nest while painting the shutters, but hey- it’s better than cockroaches from the filthy beasts that used to live above us in our former apartment unit.

Buy yourself some land.  Heck, at this point it’s likely a better investment than college regarding personal and financial returns- until that bubble bursts.

At least owning a home means that you are 100% in charge of its upkeep, the upkeep of the land, and can live a more harmonious life in what you do with it.  Not all opportunities in life are career-oriented, home ownership used to be something all people sought and now seem to be discouraged from attempting on account of all the horror stories of variable rate mortgages (get a fixed rate ONLY…or walk away from that particular lender) and people purchasing homes outside of their means.

If Ed lost his job tomorrow, through doing all the calculations in advance I know that we will still be able to make our payments with the sacrifice of few amenities we currently enjoy.

It can be done and with effort of the goal in-mind to own instead of rent you can also do this thing.  I believe in you.

Needless Acts of Frustration.

Posted in About me on October 22, 2015 by Tyrienne

I am writing this on the tablet to justify to mysrlf whst a pain in the ass this is. I am not going to use spellcheck. The laptop arrives tomorrow,  ‘Garm’, its predassesor, is at rest, possibly forever.

Duct tape can’t fix a dying machine forever.

This is already brutal. This tablet was made for movies and puzzle games.

Anyeay, so you guys ask me yo write more… but here is the issue: I have NO idea what you want to read.,.

“Bueller… Bueller?…Bueller?!…” mentally, I hsve many ideas, but I have no idea if you want more Academic-type essays? fiction? UPG? Heathen-political commentary? Ancedotes of weird shit I’ve seen/exoerienced?

Life woukd be easier if I drew a web comic, guys. This is post 102 in three years. I try to update mostly-weekly lately. Over 120 people subscribed snd 23k hits either from possibly hundreds of people or a single Autistic child…absolutely insane, I am blown away.

Thank you so much for ceasing the death-threats over a year ago, they were annoying and a little frustrating.

Also,  congrats to Clifford Erickson for being the new folk builder in our region of the mid Atlantic for the AFA.  I still dont pay dues to anyone, but I cannot stress deeply enough for all people who interact with complete stranger’s in Heathenry to know the “national reps” for your region of both the Troth and AFA as well as other people of note in your immediate communities.  These people are valuable resources and a great place to refer those who are new to Heathenry or are currently facing religious descrimination and need advice.

I do not suggest doing so regarding Loki-worship, however… that I’m still around for in my snooty, intellectual-elitist way.  I am beginning to actually enjoy having both Tyr and Loki as personal archetypes to draw from for moral resources… However,  if there is ever a definition of a ‘cynic’ it would be anyone caught between Tyr and Loki.

I am amazed at all the intriguing people I still meet almost every day online and share deep, meaningful conversations. In a way, it really helps compensate for the person I lost in myself when my face to face extroversion left me.

In real life? I’m wearing comfy pants, a t-shirt, an oxford comma, and my super-clingy dog across my legs.  I’m awake most nights, health permitting, still doing the one-human Heathen advice chat and human google of the knowledge of the existence of useful people.

I can find a local Heathen meet-up group for almost anyone,  every where.  I have no idea how or when that occurred, but I noticed in keeping track of whom reads, shares, and/or comments… you become a resource to which I can refer others.

In true Lokean fashion, the most referrals are usually to people who personally despise me, and I don’t give a damn.  If you are knowledgeable on something I am not, I dont care if you “like” me.

Heathen elders, you have your job to help heathens. Maybe one day I will no longer have to add the disclaimer to all advice I give in this matter of:


I draw my resources of people from multiple communities of intelligent pagans, chaotes, intellectuals and clergy.  I dream of a world where I am surrounded with people more knowledgeable than I am… ( Like Myriad Lokandis).  The web that connects all pagan faiths is surprisingly strong- the key to finding the centers of all of it is not in public figures necessarily,  but rests on the shoulders of the observers who immerse themselves entirely in their spiritual practices without external motivations.

If you are looking for intellectual Lokeans on Facebook,  for instance- they are in “Chaos Magick” and Discordian groups. The key to your survival online in such environments are the “unfollow” and “b lock” buttons to remove the trolls, but once the protective skin is removed from such groups, the fruits of knowledge are mighty tasty if you can endure the Fnord.

Heathenry is becoming more accepted as a form of paganism,  and as this is occurring,  msny indigenous Heathens from Europe/European families are speaking up!

Excellent! I was really lonely!

I thank everyone for the support,  encouragement,  suggestions,  and kind words sent via this blog to me- thsnk you. You break my illusions that what I write is projected into ’empty space’, much like my old bound-paper journals.

Sometimes,  it is difficult to write. Mostly because I struggle with anxiety and agoraphobia which creeps sometimes into my online interactions.  It’s rather ironic. I feel like I spent ten years of my adult life traveling to visit people only now to be on the recipient.

It’s really nice… until I have to explain I have unpredictable anxiety-related car sickness.  No crazy diagnosis needed, it’s just how I am right now.  Then again, this car is fucking evil…. it attracts hit and run supermarket parking lot fiends.

Old people should be retested to drive every two years in a separate DMV, can we make that a Heathen initiative?

In conclusion. I asked Loki for help getting a new machine.
I received a scary letter demanding $900 on account of a mortgage error.
My husband lost his mind temporarily enough to take out a low apr loan.
The letter was not our responsibility, it turned out.

I got a laptop, paid off all the tiny little annoying debts that come with a new house, and I will hopefully get a new pair of running shoes so I do not shortchange the dog with the walking path she’s seen twice because I sm STILL (If I am sane & honest), not recovered from surgery quite yet.

I miss sleeping regularly. Irregular sleeping via passing out at random from my heart meds shouldn’t be something I look foreward to. 

If someone gave you the choice “Narcolepsy or more strokes”, I am pretty confident most would choose the same.  I just dearly wish the ‘passing out’ immediately coincided with 8 solid hours of deep, uninterrupted sleep at will.  The issue is mental silence: if I achieve it I sleep.

The greatest carrot on a stick ever, really. I literally cannot sleep if I need to write something…

…Please help me in suggesting what you guys WANT to read from me, I write anyway,  it’s what I do regardless. Even if I do not seem active ‘here’ at times, it just means I am writing something, somewhere else. (And likely on topics not interesting to this audience. Persian History, anyone? Birding? Physics? …how about memes about President Putin?)

As of the writing of this post, I am listening to VNV Nation which a devout Jewish friend suggested to me over a continuous 10 year friendship based on mutual tastes in music and empathy.  I currently co moderate three pages, one forum, and run two additional pages entirely alone.  One is nothing but wacky memes.

I thank Cory Barron for rocking as the best co-moderator I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with, my real life friends who are mostly Atheists, and my husband Ed who is a constant strength as well as sn objective enough critic to suggest when to put down my mighty metaphor stick I use to accidentally piss off bears by trying to clear cobwebs in otherwise unlit caves of dying Philosophies.

The dog sleeps 16 hours a day.  I counted.


Majestic stock photo!

Repost via Lokisbruid: Godphone Flowchart

Posted in About me on October 20, 2015 by Tyrienne

Enjoy!  Thank you kindly to Loki’s Bruid for this wonderful diagram.

Tyr- “Gods Do Not Always Get Along”

Posted in About me on October 6, 2015 by Tyrienne

Okay- diversion over.

A common search of Deviantart (from which most of the pictures in my posts are sources from) is indicative of the pure unpopularity of the God Tyr in Heathenry.

Loki?  Would you like that in “Hiddleston” or “Non-Hiddleston”?  Either way, there are literally hundreds of modern renderings of Loki.  Of Tyr?  AFTER you wade through all the wolf-fursuit reference sheets and pictures that are dominated by Fenrir- there are very, very few images of Tyr- and of those images, there is always some glaring flaw- the wrong hand is removed, Christian-Crusader armor, bearded like a Hipster at a Whole Foods….when Tyr in lore seems to be one of the only Gods indicated to be clean-shaven.

I thank Humon comics for this depiction- It’s really excellent.  It’s also the only one that shows any semblance of similarity to any Tyrsvolk’ UPG of this God.

Tyr is not known because He does not “require” worship-  in fact, He would prefer if most who do not know Him to NOT worship Him- usually, on account of over-emphasis on the “war” aspect and both accounts of him FIGHTING wolves- ignoring a minimum of 6000 years plus of history where his kenning was “Wolf-Prince”….and even after “Lone Friend to Fenrir.”

Fenrir literally ASKED for this God by name when the Aesir were trying to deceive Him.  Tyr was Not Happy.

Well, that is pretty much how to summarize how Tyr feels about most things:
“The Unsmiling One is Not Happy.”

Why is He this way?  Because the world has no justice among men and beasts.  Because innocents are harmed, and the few times His name is called- it’s usually by a group of Nazitru who decided that since Tyr’s anthropological origins are traced more clearly back to Germany, that somehow entails He would approve of racism (which is blatantly false).

So- The comic you see in this post only has minor points I truly disagree with- but Humon is only Human, as am I,  and no one gets to be perfect…there are TWO peoples (at minimum) who worship Tyr- The Danes and the Deitsch….and some say Garm did not fall.

And once upon a time, Tyr was considered Allfather, with a black eagle like a Tyrianian Hunter and wolves placid at His feet.

This modern age does not share Tyr’s ethic, and people who are drawn to Tyr are generally antisocial veterans, diplomats, law enforcement, and other noble service fields.

Tyrsvolk are seldom social.  I have met two in my life whom I actually believe.   A Tyrsperson would never harm someone’s reputation without dishonor on their part/s, but instead, would demand: “Would you mind saying that to my face PRIOR to you sharing your little lies around you like a small child with a basket of moldy flower petals?”

People who falsely claim Tyr as a Patron lead very upsetting, disorganized lives that are prone to extremes of catastrophe, and He is the epitome of the God “Who gives no fucks” about societal convention or “common” morality.

If you can’t live life based on what is morally “right” and doing what is courageous despite fear, Tyr is NOT your patron.

….and again:  Tyr does NOT like to be worshiped.  He prefers to be spoken to with respect, certainly.  Your altars to Tyr are for you to understand Him, He doesn’t want or need them.  (Yes, I keep one to Him with this understanding)

However, Tyr does seek to befriend and patron the occasional human… and usually, when that human recognizes the cost of such affiliation (High moral code, inability to lie, duty to protect, as well as calling out the unjust) it all sounds all beautiful and noble in theory, but in practice- our social morass prevents the blunt truth of Tyr from gaining much respect in public.

Years ago a woman who was recently married once informed me she questioned her decision and cheated on her husband of a month.  I was not a chaplain then- and my Oath to Tyr was to improve Loki’s reputation.  Since the woman was one of the very first :”Out and Educated” among Lokeans… I gave her this choice:  Disclose what you have done to your kindred and your spouse in a week….or I will- and to their “authority” folkbuilder and their Odinsman.

And I did.  It created all sorts of catastrophe, frustrated the folkbuilder of the region, and made my own now-teacher sigh and say “Will you try to make amends?”

Make amends….for what?  I was not the Oathbreaker, I do not cheat on my spouse, and the woman’s spouse who was a very good and honest man from what I could see was being harmed by this lie- furthermore, the lie would have come out eventually and there was the possibility it would DIRECTLY interfere with my own Oaths to improve the reputations of Lokeans.

Want to know how well I get along with that kindred now?  They avoid both my husband and I.  She was not discrete in her actions- and as likely consequence, lost all motivations to continue down the road of Heathen scholarship and academics.

Tyr is not a God to piss off.  I have seen Him make women infertile for lying about their associations with Him- I have seen Him allow people to live for decades in physically abusive situations who claim Him-  If He truly “blessed them”- they would not cry over such things.  People can adopt, and if you KNOW you are being abused, you dishonor your children by staying.

Once you are Tyr’s- Tyr would kindly ask you remove yourself from needless harm, and as your relationship with Tyr grows, you also learn that you need to defend yourself and your family from untruth and harms committed against you out of fear.  Again, not going to make you #1 on the invite list for gatherings.

“Tyrienne!  Pleasure to see you again!”
“You didn’t say that last time we met when you called my husband a necromancer and myself a “Chaos bringer” for the Gods in my life.  Can we do without the fake niceties and get straight to the point as to why you are pretending at civilities when you have not yet apologized to us?”

Tyrsvolk are not much for small talk, while the Lokean is constantly surrounded by those of like-mind and complains about being “marginalized”.

Loki needs adoration.
Tyr wants to be near those like him, and no one else.  He wants people who can be both fearful and still persevere.  His defining character trait is “Courage”.

Honestly, most people who would meet Tyr in real life- would not even recognize Him as God.  He is the wounded veteran in the corner seat in the bar who broods over his mug, and when he speaks, is the ultimate killjoy of all laughter; and although what he says is both “true” and “needful”- it is seldom appreciated.

Like the man who listens to an hour listening to men bitch about how their wives hate how they go to bars….Tyr would be the one to say,

“No one likes living with an alcoholic.  If she was the one drinking herself stupid, you would have dropped her on her ass.  She picks you up from each time your head falls into the toilet and you disparage her as you commit the vice she endures for you.  Go fuck yourselves.”

…and then there is silence, a state in which Tyr is imminently comfortable.  No one really knows what Tyr drinks- but I have seen no lore or UPG of Tyr ever being anything other than morally straight, non-intoxicated, and breaking only one Oath, and that was to Fenrir.  For being a Jotunr-God capable of changing forms by nature- He CHOOSES to keep that bloody stump in almost every reality and form I’ve seen of Him.

When Loki makes a mistake, many forgive.
When Tyr is in error- it’s another scar He will not erase from Himself.

Loki desires love.
Tyr desires understanding and fervently wishes this particular age of “selfies and pumpkin spice latte’s” to pass- since He sees that the world is full of distractions that keep us from seeing the injustice and treachery that exists that is preventable if people only cared just a little bit more about politics and far less about diets, fashions, and modalities that do not improve the lives of others.

Tyr, if he walked among us, would have watched Jesus Christ whip a temple full of bankers and say,

“Good start, young demi-God….but you should take that whip to Rome and flog the Caesar before you leave…Need a hand?”

Tyr is not a God of words, but of actions.  Tyr doesn’t play nicely, Tyr doesn’t use sugar in his coffee or His words.

When Tyr is unhappy, the Tyrsvolk are unhappy.  Honestly, we’re quite the crowd of people who respect one another but prefer to “stay home” over socialization.

We are the people that listen and judge, “Lie, lie, lie, insecurity, lie, lie, lie…” and then try to find a way to excuse ourselves, unless the gathering has even a single Honest soul within, then like silent, obedient dogs we assist THAT person.

Tyr would prefer Not to see injustice- but if there is no means for Him to correct it Himself by invitation or via one of His scattered, few patron humans, He is truly unsmiling.

Tyr is patient, but He will test you more than embrace you.
Tyr is kind, but only if you meet His standards of morality and suffer for it- on His behest or not.
Tyr judges harshly, and does not apologize.  Those he judges may wail and cry, but know they deserve what harm they bring themselves.

A Tyrsperson is generally without real esteem outside that which other’s may or may not grant them, they are world-weary and have seen too much and endured more.  They are loyal friends to very few, and more oft to jettison those who fall into decadence and harming others without cause or reason.

Tyr would never own an I-Phone knowing the truth that it is likely manufactured in a third world country, and in a year is discarded so that children in slums in third world countries are poisoned to remove the metals to sell to feed their ever-poisoned families.

Tyr knows True history, and will teach it to you with references, and guide you to unbiased sources- but you will NEVER like what you read.

But, also….Tyr can be kind.

To those who suffered in battles both in body and diplomacy, his symbol is the wounded warrior and the straight arrow.  Some translations of Ragnarok in Europe indicate that Garm did not fall to Tyr, but Tyr “laid down His sword” before Garm and allowed Himself to be taken as punishment for Oathbreaking to Garm’s cousin, Fenrir.  (I have yet to figure out whose son Garm is for this to be possible- some Ironwood Jotunr, likely)

Tyr is a Jotunr who chose to estrange himself from his family to keep ways and honesty even older than the Aesir alive.

Some of the most bizarre people I have met OUTSIDE of the Heathen community have stories on Tyr we do not; some Persians believe He is the son of Sunlight (Mitra-originally a female sun Goddess, turned into male “Mithras” over the ages and into a war God) and some unnamed Northern God of Ice.

When His parents meet- it is during the times of Spring and Autumn.   Snow on mountains in summer is His father pining for his mother.  Warm weather in winters is His mother breaking the cycle of seasons to meet her lover once more.

And Tyr Himself- the sky, or more accurately, the Atmosphere created by the forces of ice and warmth that make our world habitable.   This is a God older than humanity if this is true.

…and rightly, I do not know if it is.  Some claim Tyr came from Mongolia and taught those who hunt with eagles.  Other’s say He is the patron (as Ziu and with His wife Zisa) of the taciturn German peoples, especially the displaced who chose becoming Diaspora rather than bend their knee to false-belief to placate those who would harm them.

Tyr is a beautiful, amazing God….that honestly very few people would honestly like.

Tyr delights in opening closets and allowing every skeleton to dance- a trait shared with Loki, but Tyr would claim His reasons are “more Honorable”.

As evidenced by my writings- there is nothing much I hide.

But if you will rewind a little bit to a certain blog post I wrote recently, you can see that occasionally, Tyr’s testing goes “too far” for the standards of other Gods.

“The Typhoid Dream” honestly, really fucked me up…for days.

I am no Godspouse who can claim that the Gods speak to me at every moment, nor do I presume I can call our Gods like trained dogs unless i am absolutely certain I am “clear” to do so as a matter of function or their propriety.

It has become clearly evident Loki does not approve of that particular action of Tyr towards me- that test, which I passed, came at great personal expense of flashbacks and unrest of the subject of that dream and the ways that person harmed me out of pure, undisputed narcissism.

There was a reason I called that man a viper.  And although I do believe the intention was indeed to “help me find closure”- the outcome did not match the intention.

So- as a black wolf with a missing, blooded stump, I can see Tyr- Time flows around Him to an extent, but to me, knowing of the Norse stories, the bloody stump is a reminder of “the time Tyr broke His own Honesty” and for that, He does NOT forgive Himself…and for people who draw black wolves as menacing?  Aye, they might well be….but the black genotype found in wild wolf populations actually come from interbreeding with domestic dogs since melanistic wolves have been conclusively tested time and time again to not be “pure wolf”.

Tyr, like other Gods, chooses to be the epitome of civilization; even when portrayed as an animal fetch. (Good job, furries of the world.)  His wildness is tempered with civilization and He knows His functions and what humanity asks of Him changes with time- but He also knows He does not need to accept things that repulse Him.

…and the newest intrigue I have as just a simple Heathen clergy person is how can I remedy one God who will not Forgive the other? However, despite apologies over time from both which I have accepted in a state of being ENTIRELY PERPLEXED why Gods would seek humanity in the first place, and secondly, why what I think even matters.

I write this because I am honestly confused- not out of some ‘holy insight’, but lack of it.

In honesty- it amazes me my computer didn’t break (again) in posting this.   The laptop is named Garm, I promised to write about the Death of Baldr to get it running again.  I am aware this might well break it.

But in having two patron Gods that I both adore, respect, and will fight for without question.

I will not and cannot choose one over the other; and in speaking to several Lokeans as well as some of the few Tyrsvolk I *do* know- that will not be a choice I have to make.

In my own meditations in seeking a mediator realizing Odin would not be appropriate-  I went to Janis/Freyr instead….who only laughed merrily and offered me a beer.

I had slightly better luck with Fenrir who simply growled:
“Just wait it out- I do.”

…and my personal choice rather than suffer in confused silence is to talk about it…  because Tyr doesn’t “own” me, nor does Loki anymore than I am “owned” by any human.

At any time I could just walk away from all of this and worship Hanuman who is always kind and his friend Ganesh- and go back to the Indo-Aryan roots that are more ancient than all Western history…and although those Gods have my respect, they are not the ones who have walked beside me, offered me knowledge, wisdom, and even emotional comfort with consistency UNASKED.

I prefer my Gods (and friends) to come to me-  I’ve been done with “searching” for years down that road.  I found my Gods and now I search to learn more about them…

And what I have learned most recently is this:  Gods, like people, do not always “Get Along” well… and sometimes, we cannot do more than what is in our power to state that both parties are “clear” in our own eyes of intentional wrong-doing.

I do not have the strength of character, Honor, or power of a God- but I do have the power to not-choose knowing even if I lost the privilege of either Loki or Tyr- I am a polytheist from a Heathen family,  Freyr, Mara, Odin, and Frau Holle are in my blood- and through my husband there is Hel and Cernunnos.

I refuse to estrange any God; even if I am harmed- as long as They apologize.
Neither Loki nor Tyr is innocent of harming me in my life, and both have more than made up for it.

So, by the advice of Fenrir, I will ‘Deal with it and wait.’ (my own paraphrase)

“The Beautiful Guest”- Fiction/UPG

Posted in About me on October 5, 2015 by Tyrienne

“Silver Hair” by nell-fallcard source:

Awaiting Ragnarok, the Aesir, Vanir, and the God-made dead were restless in Asgard-  The first cock had crowed, stated Skadi formerly of the Jotunr, and time passed by slowly for any indication of further movement on the event of Ragnarok.

Heimdallr, the Watchman- arrived into the halls of the Aes silently (as was His nature) along with a beautiful naked youth covered with Heimdallr’s own cloak out of hospitality- beautiful beyond all description with eyes that changed and flowed with a myriad of colors upon each glance and long, flowing hair the color of snow that seemed to be drying as if this person had to endure cold rains without protection prior, yet did not shiver- skin luminous the color of the moon reflected upon waters.

Before leaving, Heimdallr urged caution to all, especially the youth whom He called “Dreki'”- and referred to as a “Him” whether out of convenience or Truth, and quickly Vidarr gathered clothing from among the Aes to clothe Him- returning Heimdallr’s cloak to Him before Heimdallr expressed his need to return to His own duties.

Dreki’ was offered a seat in the grand hall- a place of honor before the head table and remained inscrutable- watching the hall alight with action of bringing out the finest foods out of hospitality for this stranger who radiated such enormous power they were certainly a God, but one that was anonymous and truly enigmatic. Dreki’s brightness shined like stars- not a Godly brightness like fallen Baldr, but the brightness of a nova-in-flesh with the Northern Lights shining in His or Her eyes.

When asked from where Dreki had came, the reply was

“I have returned from all of Midgard.”
And it was Bragi who cried “A God who travels among men! Noble of poetry!”

Dreki replied, “No- I am not worthy of your noble poems, Poet-God- for all I wish I could be.”

When asked of his parentage, he met Woten’s eye and said “I am nephew to the Allfather by blood, and for that reason I have come.” to which Woten nodded quietly and did not speak- but showed great courtesy to the Guest by granting Him/Her the same foods of the Gods, the apples of Idunn, peaches, mead, and wild boar.  Dreki ate a single bite politely and concentrated on drinking from his cup delicately. Kind to all who served Him- He spoke with quiet grace, did not boast, and gave no answers except in the art of being vague.

“Cousin,  why do I not know You?” asked Thor/Donar, son of Woten.

“I wish I could answer you Donner-Thor, bearer of Mjollnir- but I do not know why You do not know Me.”

It was clear a select few others in the room knew Dreki, Woten, and Tyr kept their own council and even sweet Frigg was silent- Vidarr did not speak, but showed courtesy and recognition.

It was a pity that the Aesir who could have spoken most freely was self-Oathed into silence.

Freyr spoke: “I see that you are wet, but none of my rains have touched you- how have I not seen you before?”
“I live in places your gentle waters do not touch, Yngvi-Freyr, Father of elves-  your waters are kinder than the ones I have known.”- Dreki replied politely.

As His hair dried it proved to be fair enough to gleam even within the halls with it’s own light, when asked about the light, Dreki replied:

“When I am not here, the light does not stay with Me- it is only the power I have, manifest.  In my natural form you will only see darkness for the light is Myself unconstrained in this form.”

“What brings you to this Hall, cousin- and what news do you bring?”- asked Freyja  “Has Ragnarok come?”

“I bring you a chance to avoid Ragnarok- at great effort and great expense on My own.  I ask to wrestle three of you unarmed, and if I succeed- I ask for a single boon of my Uncle, Woten… If I lose, then I shall leave you in peace.  If my boon is granted, or if I fail to win against the three Aesir who would fight me, Ragnarok will not come.”

The hall laughed, and Thor began to remove Mjollnir from his side:

“Not Donar,  I will not fight my cousin Thor in combat, for there is no sport in fighting the strongest of you unless it is needful- but I will fight both Sons, Magni and Modi until submission at once, if you allow it.” stated Dreki calmly.

“…That I would Indeed like to see!” exclaimed Thor. “My Sons together are greater than I.”

“Do not shortchange yourself, Thunderer.” Dreki replied coldly.

“No one can avoid Ragnarok, and no one has the power to stop or delay it.” stated Tyr.

Dreki rationed, “Perhaps that is true in the first, but the second?  I claim that power- and I ask you to witness the Oaths of this room, Oathbreaker, elder of the Aesir and kind scholar.”

Tyr’s expression was grim as he replied,
“‘Dreki’ speaks truth in this, and I know Them well, for it was upon my own knee I taught you, Dreki and also your siblings.  Your Sister is well.”

“My Brother, however, is not well, and nor are you, Unsmiling Teacher.”

“I cannot deny that observation, ‘Dreki’- and I will not disclose your better names for you are not untruthful.”- Tyr replied stoically, “But, what holds the world together without Your power?”

“The world held without me prior to my birth, and it will hold after.”

“…And it will ever hold through frost and fire.. even if it lies in state.” replied Tyr, “Do you come here without malice or venom, ‘Dreki’… and in the peace of Godly hospitality?”

“I do. I come unarmed and in Honor- I bear no ill will in mind or body to harm anyone in this hall, I arrived naked and unarmed as a God among other Gods, and I am no trickster.  I do not lie, and I do not boast.  This is the most I have spoken and to so many in my time existing.”

Tyr looked more concerned than usual and stated steadily,
“I vouch for this child to Asgard, and know These words uttered to be true when spoken to Me directly in such a way.  I know this God well, and it is your peril for those who do not.  I cannot deny this request for battle, for this God calls for nothing more than what our Laws provide in letter.”

“…and what would that be?”  asked Skadi.

Tyr replied, “Justice.” and would answer no more.

With Woten and Frigg Silent, Tyr watching silently looking grimly upon the hall, the blood from his stump ever-bleeding, Freyr confused, and Thor looking upon the scene with great interest-  Dreki stood out like a star even against the glory of Asgard- standing with hands empty and in no position for battle.

Since Woten and Frigg would not speak, Tyr stood at the open place between all tables as an arbiter of the battles, grim and humorless to oversee the honor of the competition.

Magni ran at Dreki only to find himself pinned instantly as if he weighed nothing going from Dreki’s hand to beneath the foot of the Guest which seemed to only hold him by the lightest of touch.  Modi called a war cry at the insult of seeing this unknown stranger subdue His brother without even a lost breath.

“Who ARE you?!” He gasped,
“I am your cousin by-blood.” replied Dreki dryly.

Modi’s battle lasted slightly longer, getting in a single hit that harmed his hand to throw as Dreki stood still with Magni still beneath his shoe.

Dreki did not insult Modi’s attempt, and stood still and allowed several more blows which fell off of him uselessly, the only thing protecting Modi’s strong hands from injury were Dreki’s borrowed clothing.
Neither laughing nor smiling- Dreki kept eye contact with Allfather Woten during this time, expressionless, and then grabbed Modi’s hand- mid-assault, and brought mighty Modi to his knees in submission.

Without color to His voice, Dreki ended the contest with Thor’s sons “You both fought with Great Honor- but it is clear you have lost to Me.” Looking to Tyr who simply nodded in agreement, and  he released Magni from beneath his foot and released the grip of his hand upon Modi- Dreki grasped their arms in a sign of respect  for both before they departed from Him.

“I call to my uncle, Allfather Woten- would you wish to fight Me?”

“‘Dreki’, this future is written-  I will not fight you and wish you no ill will.”

“Nor do I wish you, Allfather, but ‘ill will’ is what I am attempting to remedy-  I still ask for the chance of redemption of this world and universe, is that dishonorable?”

“It is indeed Honorable.”

“Then why will you not fight me?  I am unarmed- I arrived naked and I am clothed in what You have provided for Me.”

“We both know why- ‘Dreki’- I will not fight you.” replied Odin sternly.

“And as for I, it is dishonorable to fight a man without an eye, Uncle-” Dreki turned his attentions to Tyr, “Nor, despite being Lord of Battles by some, would I fight one without a hand.”

“I would not fight you, ‘Dreki’, even if asked of me,  for I know you will not win your boon-even if I could give it.”
“Then you would be twice an Oathbreaker, Father-of-Skies.”

Instead of anger, Tyr answered sadly, “That…is a matter of perspectives.”

Thor was enraged his sons were beaten by the Guest, and demanded the opportunity to fight.
“How can we entertain this coward?  A child who fights our Children-  Why am I not permitted to test my strength against this stranger?”

Odin then spoke, “For you have already lost twice to Him.”- and then, too- Thor was silent and brooding, and no small amount enraged, but he met Dreki’s eyes with his own.

“I understand,” growled Thor, “I understand what it means for Me to fight You.”

“Then you understand I cannot fight You here.”

“No, we cannot fight here in Asgard.  You are correct and clever… two have fought you and you have beaten them fairly.  Who would you ask to fight of all the Gods in this hall?  Surtr lies in Musphelheim.”

“But Vidarr stands here before me-  allow me to test His strength against Mine- and although I know of the enchanted footwear, I will not ask Him to go without- for He has given me boots as well.”

The hall stood in silence- to fight Vidarr was most assuredly death- already marked by the Norns for life after cataclysm and as the future avenger of Woten.

Vidarr met Dreki upon the middle of the hall and clasped both His arms with the Guest’ out of stolid respect and then parted from Him.  Circling cautiously like a hunter, Vidarr examined Dreki for weaknesses for a time using his eyes and battle skill to determine Dreki’s weakness and could find none.  Dreki stood not for battle, but confident of his inability to be harmed- but Vidarr took too much time. To which- Dreki sprung upon Vidarr with speed almost imperceptible and pinned him upon the floor with a single finger resting upon Vidarr’s chest:

“Remember this, Close-Cousin-Vidarr-  Do not hesitate in battle- I call upon Tyr to ask if I have won my challenge against the Aesir.”

“Dreki has indeed won without contest, please release noble Vidarr.” sighed Tyr.

“With great courtesy I release Vidarr, and say it is no dishonor to lose to Me.”

Vidarr nodded, and allowed Dreki to offer an arm to help Him to His feet.  Vidarr’s boots were untouched,

“My weakness and strength is like my Father’s….it lies within My mouth- but with my mouth closed that would be unseen to you, Vidarr.  You have not failed today if you have learned, and it was My honor to fight You.” Said Dreki

“And what boon do you ask of the Aesir?”  Asked Freyr.

“I have come to ask for the release of my Father, who is held captive beneath the worlds and my Brother I hear struggling against His chains.  I have come in peace, I have met your challenges, and I offer you a chance at another future, one without erasure, suffering, or spite.

My Father acted in compliance with my Uncle’s wishes- He did not lie, and His reputation has been harmed for speaking truths.  My Brother is chained for no sins except for strength and has threatened no-one, and my Sister and I can calm Him if I am allowed to return Him to our Mother for healing and the chance once more to run free in the Iron Woods with our true people.  I can assure You that in His running, it would not ever be back to Asgard after the abominations committed against Our kin: I watched my Mother burned thrice upon a Pyre live for Living, My Brother was beaten except for Tyr’s intervention and then later deceived by that same hand.
For me?  I was tossed into the seas for being a Jotunr shapeshifter- when all here who are not ascended Wights of land or fauna, or humans-ascended, are also Jotunr with the same abilities to change appearance as I to suit them.  I am beautiful, I am sexless. I am no threat to any in this hall under the right and rites of the Hospitality born among all born into Godly royalty.  My Father may have been your Fool- but my Mother remains a Queen of Her realm.”

The hall was stunned into silence realized this beautiful creature was the world serpent, Jormungandr, suprisingly eloquent and fair.

“Release my family, and I will defy the Norns by the Oaths of my father, and my own Honor taught by Tyr…who would teach such “monsters” as my kind have been labeled, as you hide your own monstrous natures only to hiss and scratch like angry cats when confronted.   The Water brings all sounds to my ears from all realms.  I know what has transpired in this hall, and I lie between the laughter of Your feasting and the screams of my tortured Father and the howling of my Brother,  I mourn my dead.
I am not without My Father’s wits, but entirely without His guile- there is no use for deception with this terrible strength I hold inside and outside of Myself.  Grant me what I have earned and Thor will live, You all will live- for No one but Donar-Thor or Surtr can destroy Me.”

Allfather Odin stepped down from the high table to meet Dreki,
“Jormungandr…” Dreki met his single eye without blinking, defiant and determined.  “Jormangandr- I cannot unchain your brother for what holds Him, none can break Him free until Ragnarok”

“Then let Me break his fetters after Fenrir Oaths to come with Me in peace to our Mother, Angrboda, Tyr may have broken His Oath to our family, but that does not imply We are also Oathbreakers- and I do not wish more violence among the peoples of the realms.”

“…And therein lies the problem,” Spoke Freyr, “The problem is violence and beauty are the currencies of this age- with violence being the greater of the two.  This world needs to die for the new to be born.”

“Does it need to die with my Father chained with the entrails of My half-Brother?”

“Loki will be freed, as will Fenrir- at the time of reckoning…. When bound, they were bound so that none may free them before the prescribed time of Ragnarok.”  Freyr replied regretfully.

“Then allow ME to free them Myself, show Me my Brother and bring me to my Father so I might bite through what chains them.  What my teeth touch does not live.”

“But what is already dead cannot die again.”- replied Woten.

To fulfill the oath, Dreki, now known as Jormungandr was permitted to visit His brother Fenrir, and despite every attempt of power or magic, could not free Him.  Fenrir howled in pain at these attempts at times, which would stop ‘Dreki’ from changing and bring Him back into human form to whisper words in their native tongue into his ear and sooth Him.

“I cannot free my Brother- I am a creature of more strength than Magic, and these magics are greater than I…please, allow me to see My Father and poor Sigyn.”

Allfather Odin Himself escorted Jormungandr with Tyr down the long path to the cave beneath worlds- where again, there was no success.  In trying to kill the serpent, Jormungandr  found that his teeth found no purchase- and when attempting to poison the mighty snake with Jormungandr’s own venom- found it to be immune.  Jormungandr embraced his father and allowed the venom to drip upon His own back as he wept, and could not rip the bindings from His father Loki- the first time showing any emotion while Sigyn emptied the cup made of the skull of His own half-brother of the venom She collected to save Loki from suffering.

“Why this?  Why cannot you just kill my Father and release Him to Helheim rather than endure this?” Jormungandr raged at the two Aesir unchained… but it was neither Odin or Tyr who replied.

It was Loki Himself:

“My Beloved Child- because I cannot die before my time, nor can anyone or anything created.  You are young, You will die, and You will return as will we all.”

“Why must you endure this suffering?” asked Loki’s Child.

“So I have reason to anger, and for as much as I longed to see you- My anger is increased at seeing Your pain in Your innocence on the ways of this time and these worlds.  Please depart and know I love you.  Return to the seas and wait for Your destiny.  I will come to You before our deaths and We will be reunited.”

“That is not sufficient for me, and I find all of this brutish and unforgivable.”

“And that…is why it should end.  So the world can start new without angers of the past and present poisoning all realms.”

Where the venom fell, spots developed on Jormungandr’s back where He protected His Father.  With a roar that shook the realms, Jormungandr expanded in blinding light and returned to the seas where He learned to hate by viewing the suffering of His family so intimately once more, and yet, could not save them from their suffering despite all strength and power possessed within.

For that, Jormungandr decided the universe and all worlds were indeed tainted and not worth saving.

The Purpose of The Death of Baldr/Baldur

Posted in About me on October 3, 2015 by Tyrienne

Well, here it goes.  The topic that divides “Lokean” from “Nokean”….despite all Loki has accomplished and that most Odinist symbolism derives from the gifts of Loki either out of cleverness or to make amends, people claim to “never forgive” this event.

So, without archaic prose and with multiple readings of sources over the years- and having the same handicaps as most of you in reading Old Norse, I will try to attempt to explain the necessity of this chain of events the best I am able, and with fairness. (Icelandic Readers, please contribute your interpretations since your language is so close to the original verse in which this tale was written!)

So, Frigg and Odin had a son- one to be groomed to be the next Leader of the Aes, beautiful in His perfection, morality, and intelligence.  Groomed since birth to lead- since Odin practices Seidr and knows all things must die, including he.

Knowing through the Norns that there would be Ragnorak/Apocalypse where the world would be ultimately “cleansed by fire” by Surtr- the leader of Musphelheim, Odin sought to secure the preservation of our people, our ways, and life itself.

The Vanir already existed- but were the Gods of plants, the flora and in some legends- even the elves.   A seed covered in ash grows with more fervor than in dead Earth- the ashes left from fire nourish new growth and new life- look at Hawaii and the aftermath of forest fires after a couple of years and see how brightly the flowers bloom.

Frigg was also aware of this- so she approached all intelligences in existence- from quiet rocks, plants, and animals- except for the mistletoe…a plant so spongy and harmless it hardly seemed worth the trouble after her exhausted efforts to ask venom of snakes to turn inert before Baldur, or the teeth of predators, steel, iron, coppers, and all metals.

This is Mistletoe- a spongy parasitic plant found on trees. A keynote species and not especially durable.

All toxins? Also inert in his presence.

However, the foretold destruction was inevitable.   The things that is often “skipped over” is the fact that Hel already prepared an ENTIRE HALL for Baldur in Helheim.  If our Gods had the ability of instantaneous creation of physical things- Sleipnir would never have been born. (I am not retyping that tale- look it up.) To build a hall suitable for the Prince of the Aes is something that would take a great deal of planning, time and forethought.

Not to mention, Helheim was known to be the only habitable realm for Gods during Ragnorak.  It is forgotten that there is no mention of estrangement between Hel and her father, Loki.  Furthermore- when in telling stories between each other as humans, we often “leave out” details we assume the other persons are already fully aware of.  Life would be insufferable if we described every detail in sharing our experiences.

To make a dart of this is quite a feat to be accomplished,  I dare you to try it.  Dry it out?  It’s brittle-  Live? It does not pierce.  You would have better luck causing injury from that old sponge everyone has under one of their sinks (I dare you to check- I bet most of you can find an old sponge under a sink that meets this description.  Try to throw it out- another sponge will end up carelessly left until the next time you need to fix a leak!)

So, the dart is crafted- that takes an incredible amount of skill to work.  This is not a dart made out of something even as strong as weeping willow.  It would be like killing someone with a weaker plant than a weak sprig of Thyme.

At this time, it had become a game among the Aes and Vaen to throw all manner of things at Baldur for the sport of it- rocks, swords…and likely even Mjollnir, because, well, why not?  If Frigg begged all the worlds and all things and creatures not to harm her son, I am certain she did not exclude magical weapons, acids, poisons, or angry animals.  She spoke to EVERYTHING- that would include Jormungandr, Surtr, Fenrir, the Jotunr, and other typical liminal figures.  Everything means everything.  Every Aes was Oathed as well.

So, you have the invention of “Come at me, Bro!” from Ye Olde Norse lore.

So, let’s look at this clearly…. Loki is mutually blood-oathed to Odin as his blood-brother and considered “the most clever”. He and His children are Oathed that Baldur shall live- there is a prophecy that indicates that most will perish in an apocalyptic series of events that are unavoidable- and possibly quite necessary for the Vanir (the children of the current leading group) to have a “clean slate” with which to create a better world.

…and the God who is in charge of the final cleansing is Surtr- who has ALSO oathed to do Baldur no harm, as is Hel.

It’s rather difficult to have an all-annihilating doom-by-fire with a man standing.  Surtr would not break his Oath.  The Vanic Gods are usually associated with agriculture; they survive because the metaphor eludes to the fact that they can exist as seeds and roots to regrow after the Cataclysm ends.  That is why the Old Aesir do not live, but the Vanir continue after.

Baldur’s reputation was too strong to not already have worship- already he was a ruling Aesir at that time with His parents and other Gods distinguished by his incredible beauty and goodness.

This is a story of a process that has occurred several times in the history of our Earth.  The Dinosaurs had their own
“Ragnarok” via meteor strike of fire and doom.  On a lesser level- we can see how well the citizens of Pompeii and Herculaneum fared after Vesuvius erupted.  The casts of their bodies lie in state in museums in almost every country- perfectly preserved by the ashes that disintegrated them creating “Ready-made molds” into which to pour concrete and rediscover.

Now- imagine the entire Earth going back to the ages of fire and lava.  All animals and plants end for that time unless they find shelter underground, somehow- and it is even indicated that they do.  A God of leadership and fair judgement cannot stretch Himself so thin to have the same advantages as one like his mother Frigg who can survive any condition by virtue of being a Goddess of harvests.

Baldr is a God of mankind, and through Baldr, our species survives.

Hodr is blind and has no stories but this one- still a God as worthy as others, but unknown except for this one story.  His immortality in Lore without this tale would be negligible.

When one blood-oaths to another person in Odinism- no secrets are kept between the Oathed or the Oath is broken- so, by what Odin knows, so too, would He disclose to Loki.

Baldur is not a God of plants- He is of the Aes, the tribe meant for total destruction of those warlike ways that served us well during a different, harsher time where we had to fight other tribes of humans to survive.   Nothing lasts forever, and looking at the ancestry of most Heathens now- overwhelmingly, it is now mostly agrarian in nature for the regions where the Norse are worshiped.

In European cultures that still orally passed on the old stories- Loki is seen as complicated, but no one is stupid enough to disrespect Him by name without consequences.  He is NOT Satan.  C’mon- in Surtr we have a horned guy the size of a mountain, made of lava, who is said to put the Coup de Grace’ on the world ending the old so the new can appear.

So- Loki guides Hodr’s hand and Baldur lay dying.  As He dies, Odin whispers into his ear and sets him off to burn to free his spirit to Helheim where there is a hall ALREADY CREATED…not a cell, not wandering aimlessly- a bright hall fit for a God in Helheim.  I don’t know of any other God or Goddess described anywhere to be given such profound treatment.
Where he and his wife Nanna (who either throws Herself on his pyre or kills Herself after the attempts to revive Him fail)- and co-rules with him in Hel.  What is Baldur ruling in Helheim?  Well, there isn’t much to rule there except for the dead…

Nanna, Baldr’s wife (or in some stories Frigg does this) makes a deal with Hel that if she can get everything in every realm to weep for Baldur and Hel will release Him… one Jotunr Giantess refuses- it is said that it may be Loki shapeshifted by some…but what does it matter for this reason:

The Giantess says: “All things die, and what use have I for Baldur?”

Well, good point random Giantess whom we never hear of ever before or from again.  It’s rather like all those pictures on social media ” ‘Like’ this so God saves my child you’ve never met from young death by [disease/injury]”-  But if all things die- including Gods, Suns, and Universes- isn’t avoiding death denying the truth of reality?

The signs of Ragnorak have nothing to do with Loki.

From : “Ragnarok sets out a series of signs that will ultimately define the end of times. The first sign is the Fimbulvetr, a long and continuous cold winter with constant snow that will last for a year. A red rooster called Fjalar will warn the Giants that the Ragnorak has begun. A second rooster will warn all the dead that Ragnorak has begun. Finally, a third red rooster called Gullinkambi, a rooster that lives in Valhalla, a majestic hall located in Asgard, will warn all the gods about the beginning of the end.”

Ragnorak is in NO WAY caused by Loki…He’s bound, and how can a fire God create winter unless Ragnorak instantaneously happened as a result of His binding from the lack of “fire” He brought to the world?

Also= where is all this retconned “Loki is the son of Ice Giants” come from other than Marvel?
Academically, He’s the son of Laufey (lightning-striking-leaves) and Farbauti (wildfire). [Wikipedia…again.]
What ice?!

What stories exist between Ragnorak and the rising of Baldur?  What happened in between those two tales in Lore?

The Lokisenna-  Loki was NOT killed like Hod/Hodr immediately upon the death of Baldur- He was free, He did not “escape”- and He could not “disappear”.  It was not until Loki was ignored an invite to a feast of the Aesir that He spoke truths no one could disprove- and even Tyr could say little more than “This will not end well for either of us, Loki.”

After he pointed out each and every flaw of the Gods- Loki is bound.

This included Loki flyting Tyr: calling a handless man handless and stating HOW it occurred by Oathbreaking bluntly?  Hardly an insult, more of a reminder of TYR’S ONLY BROKEN OATH to Fenrir, who was clearly His friend prior to the binding-Being the God of Oathing and Breaking an Oath-any Oath- is bad form.  That is why Tyr never regrew his hand despite having more than enough capability to do so as one with Jotunr blood in his veins of regeneration.

So…here is a theory presented cohesively as I am able- pieced together from writings of Mirabello, countless websites including wikipedia, discussions with others, and logic.

Odin is warned of Ragnorak, and confides it to all to prepare them in great detail of how to identify the signs of its coming, and it is also known that the elder Gods will die of the Aes (Some argue a few Goddesses survive such as Frigg an Freyja- but it depends on the sources)  The children of the Aes will survive, but the universe will perish.

Before this announcement, Odin had already chosen his successor for Leadership among the Gods-  Odin was not the first leader- and in according to many traditions, nothing dies forever for these Gods.

Via my research of Tyr, for instance- Tyr’s worship has been predated to mention of Odin/Woten by at least several thousands of years- earliest records of Tyr go to 6000 BC (Wikipedia/J*Stor) and Odin-CE…. In Lore, Odin was born to Bor- All Gods have parents, most have progeny…Odin also has many sons by Frigg, one of which is named Vali’

There are two by that name in Asgard- the other is the son of Loki and Sigyn who dies for the binding of Loki-
Odin’s “Vali'” kills Hod/Hodr after “growing up in a day” in apparent “revenge” for Baldur’s death and is not mentioned again except as “surviving Ragnorak”.

Why has no one an answer as to why Odin named his newborn son to Frigg the EXACT same name as the son of Sigyn and Loki?

Then, the Aesir gather their forces to prepare for this event.  Baldur, Nanna, and Hod/Hodr are in Helheim with Hel in Baldurs-hall-in-Helheim, likely preparing our dead ancestors who died “farmer’s deaths” for the new world.

Why?  Because Helheim is where the non-warriors (aka farmers) go after death if they are without a specific patron or called into Asgard for some reason like Bragi.

Loki is tortured for this- given no chance to explain with his lips sewn (by some accounts that this was on account of the Flyting of the Lokisenna- other accounts state his lips were sewn after a disagreement with dwarves…the problem with Lore is that different people=different sources of significant features).  Some say he is bound by Odin, some say Skadi- but regardless, Loki is bound, his child Fenrir is bound, his two sons accepted by the Aes are killed, Jormungandr is not bothering anyone in the sea [yet], Baldur has a hall in Hel’s domain- (where Sleipnir may or may not also be- since SOME lore states Odin gave Baldur Sleipnir to cross into Helheim unmolested- but that contradicts Odin Leading Battle upon HIs back).

And- well, after that- after there is a man who is standing there saying “Come at me, bro!” to every, single, God and Goddess in Asgard- gets harmed for asking people to “Throw anything they like at him”- Loki is bound.

If this was a modern event with humans and one human was seemingly invincible and said he could “withstand all”- and then perished from that, we would not blame the one who cast the killing blow.  In fact,  it has happened in the last hundred years several times under similar circumstances where even PLAYING an “impervious” character in fiction brings extraordinary misfortune and usually death. Pity George Reeves!

So, Loki is bound and tortured, his children are bound, banished, or killed (except Hel), Hod is killed within a day- and Loki is demonized for being the “bad guy” here for a prediction HE did not make, an action that HE did not suggest, nor was it technically HE who cast the dart.  Since it was secret only Mistletoe was the only flora unasked by Frigg to Oath, Hod would have NO IDEA why His single throw killed Baldr- but still is punished regardless…simply for participating in the EXACT SAME ACTIONS as the rest of the Aesir…and punished by a man born that day, grown that day, specifically to do so, who has the same name as one of Loki’s own children.

So, we have an angry, grieving man tied to a rock, literally, by the intestines of his dead child- as the other child’s skull is used to relieve his suffering by his wife who DID NOT LEAVE HIM.  If Sigyn is Aes, why did she not shun Loki?  Because she honored fidelity.  It should also be noted that Loki’s marriages were NOT concurrent- He was part of “Many husbands” to Angrboda, and given to Angrboda as a gift from His first wife Glut (which is sometimes confused who was first- but the story remains unchanged- Loki’s first wife saw another woman wished to give Him more than She- and consented out of love.)

Sexuality and fidelity of Northern Europe were vastly different than our current time period- where romantic fidelity was an Oath to share a life-as-one with one’s spouse- “True love” existed (Baldur/Nanna and arguably, Frey/Gerd)  Sharing sexual intercourse with non-spouses is common in the Lore as it is from writings from that period of history as a “it doesn’t count unless you shortchange your actual spouse”- and the main key point was the spouse was the primary confidant, supporter, and companion to one another.  Polyamory was indeed common in sexual practices of non-monotheistic cultures, but not necessarily in everyone.  It appears we are coming out of an age of Monotheistic prudishness.

The way I kiss- greet my French friends would make a Southern Christian woman blanch in horror. To the French..?  That’s called “Hello!  Glad to see you again!”

Some Gods insisted on modern fidelity (Tyr, some say), some, like Freyja and Skadi, clearly did not.  The best advice I can give on this matter is to read, read, read….and then read some more- and do so without existing bias or prejudice with a scholarly approach.

So, Ragnorak comes, Loki is then able to break his fetters and goes back to his blood-family to avenge the deaths of HIS family along with everything else just exploding into a mess of Chaos.

Loki fucking dies.  So does Odin, So does Thor, Freyr, Tyr, Bragi, Heimdallr….even Surtr self-immolates as He destroys the universe.  Idunna is said to be “defiled” or killed, or she entirely survives depending on the scholar.

“Not many gods survived Ragnarok. The known survivors are: Aegir, Vidar, Vali, Hoenir, Vili, Magni, Modi, Hermóðr, Forseti and Ull. Though most of the goddesses survive, (Frigg, Freya, Sif, Thrud, Idun, Saga, Eir, Gefjun, Fulla, Sjofn, Lofn, Var, Vor, Syn and Hlin)Snotra, Gna, and Nanna die.”

Nanna, Frigg and Freyja’s lives remain controversial if they survive or not, However, it is interesting that among the original Aesir men, Ullr, a bowsman and hunter is not mentioned in any role I’ve seen in this process (but Please post if you have a source regarding Ullr’s role).

Some say Nanna returns with Bragi… Some say Baldr Co-Rules with Hod/Hodr.

For those who attest Frigg and Freyja live, it goes back to the theory perpetuated in Academia that this is a metaphor for the life that survives after global cataclysmic events.

According to the book “The Odin Brotherhood” by Mark Mirabello, Nanna said the following prophecy upon Her Death:

“When the world is pregnant with lies, a secret long-hidden will be revealed” (Mirabello, p.92)

That secret can easily be that Baldur returns after Ragnarok.

Further, Mirabello indicated Odin’s visit to Mimir to be told that “Asgard is destined for Annihilation.” (Mirabello p.98)

Further, that Ragnorak would only occur AFTER: “daughters and sons incestuously mix [as Loki indicated of Freyja and Frey] and “man is a playingthing of mighty whoredoms before the world ends” and further indicates that humanity will enter a period of Decadence and Weakness and go against nature. (Mirabello p 94-95)

Without Baldur’s sanctuary/asylum in Helheim, there would be no hope for renewal.  There would be no “new world”

There is a National Leader who is of Baldr but allows people to think he is an Odinsvolk-

A great deal would be cleared up to show that this age- the one where I CAN WRITE THIS BLOG WITHOUT BEING CRIMINALLY PERSECUTED AS A HERETIC AND MURDERED FOR NOT BEING CHRISTIAN, would be a “new age” for us Heathens and Odinists…How am I wrong in this perception?  Even the century prior to this one still had laws against “ALL Witchcraft” as a “Threat to Christianity”.

Furthermore, being one who has a published thesis on the topic of time theory, a little bit of study on Theoretical Physics could aid anyone in the art of knowing “time” as a concept is an a-priori sense of the human mind to make sense of a universe vaster than our understanding.

Realize this:  A tiny butterfly can see clearly more of the proven color spectrum than any man or woman that will ever live, and a wolf the same with the sense of smell.

For humanity to believe our perceptions of “time” are clear and unbiased by our own limitations is absurd and foolish.

So, in conclusion- you may ask: “If Ragnorak keeps happening, why is Odin still our God among many?”  Easy= Time is nothing more than an elaborate mobius strip but on a higher level- there is no “time”.  It is an illusion, Death, as we know it, is not as we can comprehend, and things die, they return.

For those in the Northern hemisphere- if you are going to cut down the maple tree in your yard this time of year for losing leaves, you would be foolish.   So, goes the ways of life in this universe….

The man who sits upon the top of the mountain can see for miles,  the man at the bottom can only see for yards.  Does the man at the bottom of the mountain have the “truth” or does the man at the top own “Truth”?  The man at the bottom of the mountain can see details that elude the man who can see distant cities, but the man who can see distant cities may be met with skepticism by the man observing the rocks at the bottom of the mountain.

If you do not like my own, created analogy- Here, I’ll give you some Plato to chew on: 

The Gods live outside the Cave….including Loki, and Death is just yet another shadow and allegory.

*Important to note- if you can come to me with a correction and sources, this post will change on account of those corrections of details I failed to capture accurately.


Posted in About me on October 1, 2015 by Tyrienne


I didn’t ask
for your soul
nor your life
I took all I wanted;
silencing you with desire
your scarred fingers
held fast against the wall
Riesling blessed lips
tasted, devoured-
as my hands bruised
your beautiful wrists
against course red bricks,
and concrete
painted dark with rain, night,
and cruelty.

You pleaded,
not for release:
but binding
for red mornings
and Home
I listened as you prayed
begged, and raged
to your Gods
and mine
begging not for comfort,
but for Pain-
for soft lips
sharp teeth
and the promise
of palms dusted with salt
to caress the open wounds
of your tattered psyche for me
It was my pleasure
to oblige you.

   Hey, I wrote that… I write so many things daily under more alias’ than there are kennings for some Gods (find me more than 10 kennings for Lodur, I dare you.)  And apparently,  Loki of a thousand names hates alias when used to hide myself and not allow the preconception s attached to my real name (Not some Larpitru bullshit) or every. single. alias I use to hide the multitude of things I am and do online.  From Alex Hildebrandt for op-editorials that keep getting publication on respected news sites correcting misconception on PTSD, to Eskandariah Damavandi, some random scholar on Persian history, down to Tyrriene, The Lokean, Ophelia, Raven, Fox, or one-shot names I create and discard to say what I feel needs to be said anonymously, and being a coward not to take ownership as I “touch and go” across the internet, where the only place I feel “safe” to feel the consequences of my words is within the very narrow confines of my “religion” or “faith” two words that make even the newest-found Odinist froth with anger.

There is no religion or faith, you live or you die. Your “religious faith” is a hobby if it is not who you are, unwavering, as an essential part of you and how you interact with the world.

And if I can keep a promise to write for a God, I would be less than human if I could not make and keep the same promises when asked for a friend who has brought me nothing but love and insight, tired as I am, for all the fucked up things I force myself to do.

I could write another post of my own insecurity and self inadequacies,  but it’s not like that. My friend, flesh and blood, pain and redemption with a body that ages and a beautiful mind that has survived travesties that would be horrific to describe that would cause anyone to question the salient nature of humanity to those who have endured less…

I am no great beauty or even particularly likable by most,
So how does one react when introduced to someone who unwittingly possessed both qualities? Treat him like others with derision or jealously?

I befriended him and he allowed me to discover, long before Lokeanism was a “important issue” that divides our people through so many cracks and fissures,  a man who Knows Loki with the same devotion as the Sufi knew Allah, only without supplication and standing instead of falling to his knees in begging

Instead, with arms outstretched, and with the strongest of intentions,  even if unspoken that said to this man it’s a palpable sence that Loki may say,

“I have seen you suffer,  and by my scarred lips and eyes that tear in blood from the venom of other’s injustice- you are Mine by blood and all atrocity you survived and yet retained all ability to love more deeply and broadly than humanity at large could understand.

  They seek to exploit every flaw in your perfection and discover your every wound to encase in the salt of your own secret tears to make you as base and shallow as they live their lives; out of fears with dedications made with all-devotion to material success over intellectual curiosity.  So to deny Loki is to deny your nature, so arise you flawed mortal God and live, damn you.”

And so, without any other Heathen in his existence, entirely alone in this life with the existence of this maligned deity as part of himself,  somehow,  for absolutely no reason whatsoever he landed states away from his home living with complete assholes for friends of my own, I met him.

I spoke before about eyes, his eyes were the same as mine. Green/blue dark ringed.  Both filled with laughter and suffering, and marked clearly even without tattoos shown that Atheism is a myth he perpetuated to avoid the company of the foolish, thinking no other human had experienced atrocities or the blessings of such an entity that meant anything more than delusion, loneliness or wishful thinking.

And I was a “fresh” Gythia… a priestess in a parody of a faith that I could not see at the time was nothing more than an excuse for former Christians to “dress up”, drink until stupid,  and use the Gods to justify their own prejudices… but he could.

And as we sat outside in the storm with the bottle of Riesling between us, I showed him that with Loki also comes the blessings of Woten as his blood flowed between ourfingers and he pledged himself to Woten in kind.

No bullshit of standing in the circles created for us in kindness by Wiccans for lack of knowledge of our own history.  Two Germanics, in worship of the Gods that answer and care for us instead of an ineffable desert God who did not walk among us… our own ways and blood demand as “proof” of benevolence in the universe.

Instead of on our knees begging to God/s whose nature is to never answer… we were two who had the opposite experiences spiritually.

Us Both, people so damaged without any chance of normalcy in a society where the myth is that all children are protected from atrocity- we were proof of survival against the base nature of humanity; marginalized and perpetually insulted further by life and humanity by loving too deeply despite our silent, ever-bleeding wounds that continue to afflict us.
And… in this, we were both Loki’s own, when at the time my “other” patron was the Mad King who people revere as “Sane” by their human minds who cannot reconcile…

That insanity, wisdom, and divine kindness can possibly coexist.  Since most in Heathenry only seek the aspects to which they feel “comfortable”.

So, I brought him to Woten… and he claimed I “saved” him… in the sense that he believed my existence and the link to Woten mutually justified our respective experiences of abject horror in a country lied to be “civilized” by simply hoping the innocent wounded would all “die away” by falling to that which harmed them would end us, we would end ourselves,  find the only means of expression or assusgement of pain would be to return the violences inflicted upon us, or allow our intellects to die to addictions.

Which is how America cares for the broken. We are your shame in flesh, and those that still endure despite the instantaneous discomfort we invoke without intention via our intelligence or psychic pain.

For the qualities this man has been hated, he is loved by better intelligences than humanity can provide and through the “lies” he claims to tell… he has never yet been able to lie to me, despite his most fervent attempts.

I did not know this ability went both directions, nor do I know how.

As I write, I feel like a “liar” myself since my entire modality in English as I write now comes from a combination of Persian poets and Jacqueline Carey novels as a way to showcase a prestigious vocabulary developed in compensation for only being to think in abstracts of emotions, colors, and diagrams.  When I communicate, I am doing so in a way that is alien and so prone to misunderstanding that no matter how many “words” I learn, regardless of language, I cannot clarify or focus into the means to express myself clearly without losing nuance of meaning… and for my efforts, I get assassination from those who see my strange hair and visible tattoos they do not ask to understand that explain my history and self and label me “insane” and “pretentious”.

I only say these things, for, without doubt they also apply to Loki of New Hampshire whose eyes see with more clarity and less naivety than my own.

Last night he clawed through his own full life without anything more than inuition to help me… when I am a person who can scream through all conventional channels to meet slammed door and “lost” calls to have given up entire from finding any relief from my own afflictions, instead to turn into a “courageous coward” awaiting the next interrogation to destroy me, family to disown me, or humanity in a rise of contrite offense send me waves of death threats for writing something that *might*  provoke change of heart or minds in a laughably small part of the population of this blue marble in the vast uncounted reaches of space.

Bracing myself, hoping I can give enough of myself to justify my existence to myself as nothing more than a thinking mind with no foundation in self esteem other than an artificially imposed belief in my own, surprisingly difficult to achieve,  genius…. since as a child my emotional and speech impediments made me nothing.

And he called me.

“Calm down”, he said repeatedly.

I was calm. It’s easy to act “calm” when taught by Sufi if I choose to, but “acting calm” is not the same as “internally wailing in futility”
The only other person to see through me once is now a deranged old Asatru woman with nothing left I’ve seen to her soul but bitterness towards those who would love her without cloying supplications.

And through this living, breathing human being came the words of a frantic God who knew I could not be reached by “holy visions”, but that I needed proof that I was more than just an empty glass vase meant to hold flowers of spiritually,  both intoxicating or toxic, regardless of how I am affected.

“You are a human being, Ren… the Gods are nothing more but people. What. The. Fuck, Ren.”


And after some banter of him trying to figure out what was harming me, remembering now how Loki in a dream tried so fucking hard to protect me, he sought to figure out what is harming me when I have been trying to do likewise,


“… As if I have choice, he’s a God. ”

“Bullshit, you have every right as a human to not be used and harmed, and you have as much right to go to Him and tell HIM you are not going to allow yourself to be harmed and discarded like convenient tool for His objectives.  Tell me, Ren… what is Tyr’s kenning?”

I replied, “The unsmiling one.”


“So, what can I do about it? To me, it seems you have an advantage in communication with Gods than I do.”

“I would fucking punch him,”

“…That would work out well for you…liar, like you would or could as human or God?”

“The Gods are human. They are the essentialness of humanity, and no more or less than your worth as a human being of compassion. That dream was unacceptable,  you are bleeding out for your eagerness to prove yourself brave by harming your psyche, ”

“True.” Contrary to popular belief,  I find lies abhorrent.

“Do you have ANY idea how much energy it took to balance my own negligence towards you? Do you not think that THIS is not difficult for me to accomplish? You want proof I exist outside of dreams and morphine, is this enough for you?”

And then as if taking turns and fully co-lucid, every thought I suffered in silence, unwritten and even those never discussed outside my husband and Myriad was laid out point by point before me in harsh clarity in between my friend’s reticence to be so blunt with me; not knowing enough to realize the worst cruelty I can experience is polite lies, as part of Him, Myself,  and every other person loved by Loki spoke…

“I love you, I fucking mean it, I am not going to allow you to exist to torture yourself for some implied “Greater Good”, stop trying to prove youself, stop trying to justify yourself in being used.  THE GODS ARE PEOPLE. They die, the lie, they can hurt, and they can love… And you are not worthless. Tyr is not more than you, I am not more than you… please just stop this direction of challenging the world to cut you down. You have been cut down so many times you’re seeking it every time you achieve something worth pride or happiness.”

As the hours passed, it became apparent if I am to be helped- it needs to be via the friends who know me best as we mutually brush the ashes of our own proof of survival from the wounds of one another.

This fucking beautiful man who makes me self conscious in my physical imperfections that, oddly, despite the mental roller coaster of severe and unmitigated trauma of 4 fucking hours of surgery to wake up and told “Wow. That was much more intensive than anticipated… we had to take your last ovary, which was likely only one source of pain in adfition to a pound of scar tissue we had to filet from your [implied incorrectly performed] hysterectomy.” Are being corrected in ways he, who has not seen me in years, my husband, and therapist only seem to possess the ability to see as I blame strange hormones for removing the reins to my own thought processes

My husband wants sanity that is not mine to give or for him to ask anymore than it can be demanded for a pig to fly… but he’s everything Loki could do for me to keep me safe, and how can I be safe if I will charge into websites as “E. Damavandi” insisting their God is dead in front of the most violent people currently in existence?

But I digress,  the conversation turned a thousand directions like two struggling pine martins… he asked me what I found in Canada, and I never fully answered. Well, honestly, I found both the cruelty and mercy of Tyr…

And promised I would attend college…

…Where then I met Loki who asked me to protect the life of the person from the dream two posts prior to this.

Until it was realized both of us were only able to recognize the instabilities and secrets of the other by sharing the same ones.

Realizing that we both need the help of others and eachother to stop our bleeding.

Then, the next night, same time, my best friend called me, no less a mess than I am.

…and wouldn’t you know it if I didnt use many of the same sentiments used on me to help him.