Loki isn’t Omnipotent.

I am currently in my third apprenticeship in my life— if this were Ye Olde Deitschland, I would basically be considered a lackwit for not succeeding the first time, since to “apprentice” is usually meant to lead to a lifestyle, including profession.

I attended college late with the desire to become a chaplain;  I was admitted and accepted to, what (at that time) was the the most historic college program for religion in the country.  But don’t worry about an ego-  I entirely forgot my entire reason for attending within a month to the day when a professor requested I meet him in his office after class.

“I believe your brilliance would be wasted in chaplaincy, but if you wish to be a Scholar, I will teach you.”

To go against the grain of everything I have ever written in this blog- I will write about a UPG where a God lead me to a path to where I was hurt in such a deep, profound way I am forever changed emotionally and mentally I feel like the self I used to be is a stranger to me.

My kindred was suffering another bout of “Nazi Fever” which occasionally rolls through and passes without incident (usually). Other kindreds and the local community welcomed me at the time, even though it was rather like jumping into the pool on the opposite end than you should.  (and I still can’t tell which “side” is the shallow one, even now.)

I had a dream about a God-  In this dream, my Judaism professor informed me there was an Asatru English professor who asked to meet with me and he handed me the room number, in that room was a slender man dressed in the same jacket as I (I wore a German military moleskin jacket most of the time back then) and matching pants.  He had curly red hair and a patchy beard equally red and he pointed out the window,

“See that man out the window?  He is very wise and you could learn much from him.  Protect him.”   I think it was at this point I realized the man in green was not mortal.

I shared the dream with my Heathen friends and we were all in concordance that it was likely Bragi…  Who would make a better English teacher than the Poet of the Gods?

The professor was a diplomat, but oddly, my course of study didn’t change so much as it was supplemented with almost the entire weight of two equal, but more separate than I realized, educations.

On one hand, I was still a religions student, on the other, all my free time was spent with tutors learning an entirely new codex of language.   The German professor had already tested me in anticipation of placing me in German III, but to our mutual disappointment, it didn’t fit in my schedule, they allowed Farsi to count as my language credit on the bright side.

So, I protected the professor.  He published a paper regarding a controversial humanitarian issue that pissed off his home country and he was just so damned naive he believed the same people who sent him death threats could be trusted to throw parties… he was asked to attend a conference as a keynote speaker for his field- a field in which he had only had two years of experience- and none of his superiors were invited.

I believe it was the first, of many, times I called this man who valued intellect above all else “a complete idiot”.  If not for my promise to Loki, I would have just shrugged and let him go and get himself killed.

I remember I felt like some sort of avenging Valkyrie, I said to him. “If you go to that country for that conference- you will be morally responsible for every person I need to murder to avenge you.”

He later disclosed that between the threats of myself and his own mother- he did not go, he did as I requested and contacted the proper authorities, and he was gone a week, returning drawn and wane.

He seemed fragile- and at first felt like some sort of sheild maiden barbarian fighter to protect the exhausted, froggy scholar from accidentally stabbing himself in the eye with his own pencil.

But then, things changed-  My personal religion was to tell no lies.  But I was being asked to lie constantly by this overburdened man who was trapped between his job in academia as well as demands placed by our own government upon him in exchange for protection of his life.   He was embarrassed or frightened- I do not know which; but he didn’t want the faculty to know when he was in DC.

I was already used to this, my father works as a contracted engineer as-needed and has for most of my life.   Yes, people in a black car DO show up and pick people up when they have a need for them.   My file was unsearchable by my own father- leading to estrangement for a few years until later it became clear I was never going to be a diplomat and he was finally allowed to see it.

My Gods were quiet at this time in my life- no red-haired God-professors, and I found myself more with the Baha’i and Sufi than the Heathens.

Unwittingly, in all the confusion and attempting to navigate the blind maze of the convergence of so many confusing responsibilities, loyalties, and risks piled on the back of a single human being (myself), I began to lose my mind.

Despite a GPA that stayed pretty consistently cum laude throughout my academic career- I felt trapped, insignificant,and suicidal.   My Mentor asked a great deal of me in terms of writing, in exchange for his guidance at first there was no  arguing with his opinion.   It was supposed to be assumed he was wise and honorable enough that he could be trusted implicitly.

Until it was discovered he was plagiarizing me the entire time, I learned prior to becoming a teacher his body work consisted of nothing but pure translations.   He wasn’t a teacher; he was a parrot…and instead of parroting the works of the great European masters of Philosophy, now he was parroting the work of a 30 year old nobody and presenting it as his own.

For this reason, everything I write is free and anonymous.   Especially with all things religion.  It’s almost like a realization that “knowledge should be free” to all people, and also, that money corrupts.   The very worst corruption comes from the most spiritual of people.  Hell, I was corrupted-  I could have saved a long-known friend from high school from overdosing on a cocktail of pills, but I was too wrapped up in my own issues to think clearly to help him.

There were over 400 letters exchanged between myself and my former mentor, much of it in poetry discussing his book.

Then, once upon a time, I was good enough at Farsi to understand the language to a significant enough degree to identify my own turns of phrase spoken in an entirely different language without a common root between them.

At the end of this- (which is usually where I start the stories of Loki on this blog) Loki apologized, and still is compensating for what even HE admits was terrible advice since the outcome was so bizarre in so many details that it could not have been predicted by a Discordian with a degree in Theoretical Physics. (or Philosophy of Sciences).

So, here I am-  I actually make the “cut” per most states/counties as being fully qualified to be a Chaplain-  a sort of mini-clergy…and I am apprenticed again.

But now I have learned how to be a better student.
A good student assists, rather than deferring.
Education does not need to be abusive…there is no reason for abuse in any human activity
The teacher is as fallible as the student; forgive both.
No matter what happens- if best effort is put forth the Gods will reward even if there is no reward from society.

Loki kept his promises to me so far- but He also caused the problems that broke me- without being asked to protect my former mentor I would not have trusted him at all.  However, if the Gods wanted to test my loyalty, (which was unintentional), I passed, and I have been blessed…. and no, I don’t mean as in I have a magic foxtail or a sword forged by elves… I mean I have a great husband, a beautiful home, and although life isn’t great medically, I also made it through the SSDI process.

Some people don’t like that I am on SSDI-  But think of it this way, look at the dates I post, I am unreliable in functionality from day to day.  However, being on SSDI DOES allow me time to dedicate to our religion, to write, to comment, and to influence the religion in (what I hope is)  benevolent ways it also means I have the freedom of no deadlines since I do what I do for free.

I don’t trust people who don’t look up to other’s now-  Teaching is a ladder, the longer you stand on the top step as any sort of “authority”, the greater the chance of falling.   There are warnings on those for a reason. “Do not stand on this step.”

Of course, because you will end up with your ass on the asphalt and depending on the height- up to severely broken.

I like that the person I am learning from right now is, in turn, reaching out to the old elders to learn all he can from them.   It keeps him humble.

It’s rather funny in a way- the Sufi turned out to be a barbarian, and the Heathen is just a font of peace and pacifism.
(Prior to 2012, Sufism was considered one of the world’s least violent religions.  I have no clue where it stands now)

Now then, the last time I had a vision of Loki was my second ER visit in June.  He stood in the doorway and all he said was “I’m so sorry for this.”- and now I know why, I’ve had to jump through more flaming hoops to get surgery than I did to get into college….but unwillingly.

“You need blood tests A to Z” is not something I can just say “No” to.   If I want to lose the pain, I have to keep going through the battery of tests- which is literally like walking down an aisle and getting beaten up in a new way by each doctor you meet on the way.  Is there such a thing as a test that does not cause discomfort in some way?

Where is Loki now?  I have no idea- but reading other blogs it seems he has a thing for banging incredibly lonely human women…  I wondered what the other Gods must think of that seeing as Midgardians are about as important as livestock, then I recall Loki also fucked a horse, too.

Jack Harkness wins over Tom Hiddleston as “Most Lokean Actor” if we take the median UPG description from the internet at this time.

I don’t personally have a Godspouse experience- and to be honest, I wouldn’t want one and find the entire idea about as perplexing as the furry or juggalo subcultures.   But, seeing the history of Gods around the world (especially Zeus)- apparently banging humans is commonplace.

Just let me know when one of you gives birth to a demigod, okay?   You Godspouse girls have been letting me down in that one regard- where are your Loki-babies?! (IN THIS DIMENSION, please….if Zeus could impregnate Leto and Io, then why not Loki and [insert fake “vikings” sounding name here]? 🙂

P.S. My second apprenticeship lasted two months in glass blowing, I quit not because I did not love it- I did, I quit because my mentor had a methamphetamine addiction and was becoming incredibly unpredictable at that time.   That’s pretty much all there is to say about it.


8 Responses to “Loki isn’t Omnipotent.”

  1. gray goat Says:

    I’ve been reading your blog since the other day. I was looking for information on Nyx, as I’ve been going through a naming issue and this name kept popping up. I found a post you made regarding her, started reading, and am laughing my ass off…I’m back at square one with Loki. (You also mentioned Baphomet and Lilith, two of Those with whom I work) and how weird much of the community gets around so-called “dark” deities and denies some things as essential as the white light stuff they eat up.

    None of which helps with the name issue (or does it?) of course. It’s been encouraging reading someone else whose experiences with various deities reflects my own, though. I too have PTSD and there are other synchronicities that remind me to stick to my hedge-riding path and honor the deities who’ve always been there. Thank you for that!

    -A genderqueer, ginger German-American hedgerider

  2. Tyrienne Says:

    Facebook is down on my end, I can access everything in the internet but that page. I didn’t abandon you, I assure you!

  3. […] In conclusion- what set me on the ENTIRE path of Persian studies was a dream where the Judaism/Archaeologist professor told me there was a Heathen professor in the English department who wished to meet me.  I wrote about the dream in more detail here. […]

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