Who Will Defend the Village?

Enemies had been spotted at sea and young Sven ran as quick as his legs would carry him to the village to rally all the people together to defend themselves.

There, he saw Olaf, dipping his genitals into paint and pressing them up against every house he could.

“Quick, Olaf! We need your spear- the village is going to be attacked!” exclaimed Sven.

“Sven….can’t you see that I am making a statement here?  Without my genitals pressed against these walls, people will not know my displeasure at the thought of the village being invaded!”

Sven shook his head and ran further into the village where he met Ilse, the swordsmith.

“Oh, Sven… I would love to help defend the village- but you see, I need to lose an ENTIRE boulder’s worth of weight before I am fit to be seen outside the village by invaders!”

“But….you make swords…”

“Yeah, I make swords….but what is the point of holding a sword if I can’t look AMAZING doing it?”

Sven shook his head, and ran further in where he ran into Eske-

“ESKE!!!! You are the strongest man here! Please! Help me defend the village!”

“Stongest?  No….you mean FATTEST!  The invaders would laugh at me, I’ve seen their paintings and they don’t look as I do.   Sorry, but I am too embarrassed by my size to help you- try someone better looking.”

So, frustrated, Sven went to Axel, the most beautiful man in the village….he was painting a picture of himself on a rock.

“Save the village?  SAVE THE VILLAGE?  Can’t you see that I’m busy?  I’ve worked SO HARD to be this perfect that it is of utmost importance that I paint a picture of myself for the ages for other people to admire my physical perfection…besides, if I were to fight, I might get disfigured- then who would the people look to for inspiration?”

Time and time again, Sven went to each villager and begged them for their assistance in saving their home- and each time, he was met with superficial excuses regarding trivialities which each villager thought was more personally important.  Whether it be debating other villagers on the finer points of village-defense (without lifting a single weapon), working to be better looking or strong-enough looking to be worthy of defending the village, or simply telling Sven “They didn’t feel like it”- Every adult had a reason why they could not defend the village, but some were kind enough to offer their sympathies.

“YOU FUCKING IDIOTS- CAN NOT YOU SEE THAT OUR VILLAGE IS ABOUT TO BE DESTROYED?!” Sven exclaimed in the center of the town.

An old man in the village replied “Oh, Sven…. your problem is that you aren’t focusing on the present moment!  I don’t see any invaders… In my wisdom I have learned to live just for this moment, for there might not be another.  Invaders might come, they might not…. you don’t know….”

“LOOK, YOU CAN SEE THEIR MASTS ON THE HORIZ-”

“Yeah, but they ain’t here yet!” said another , “I am busy making necklaces…. if I don’t finish them tonight they won’t be done in time for the next feast!”

“THERE WON’T BE ANYMORE FEASTING IF-”

“Well, I think that would be a great idea to not have feasts anymore,” replied Ilse, “Then, I wouldn’t gain anymore weight.  How will I ever be fit to be seen enough to hold a sword unless I lose more weight?”

“JUST PICK UP YOUR DAMNED SWORDS YOU-”

“You just don’t understand what’s important, Sven… I am improving MYSELF… you are simply just trying to upset EVERYONE with your constant yelling.  It’s really irritating.” said Axel.  “There is nothing more noble than Self Improvement and the admiration of others!”

Defeated, Sven went to the woods where he saw the children playing with their wooden swords, and he asked them, “Would you like to be REAL warriors, children?”

All the children, boys and girls from youngest to almost teenager screamed in unison:

“YES!  OH GODS YES!”

“Then follow me.”

So, Sven lead the children to the shore and inspected their weapons, encouraged them to fight on the beaches to their hearts content as he waited for the invaders. Fat or slender, beautiful or ugly, tall or small, all the children had a marvelous time waiting for the invaders.

When the leader of the hostile ships came to shore, Sven cried out to them in several languages until he found one to which the leader of the ships replied… “What is it you want, little man?”

“I want to tell you there is a village full of idiots over that hill, and the children and I would like to help you, join you in showing you where they keep all their food, since you are likely starving from your journey,  and in exchange become real warriors by joining you rather than staying here surrounded by these boring people…. People might call you ‘invaders’, however, this village would never have the guts and initiative your people have shown by even reaching here.  I think our children deserve better than what this village can offer them.”

The leader of the invaders looked confused, then remembered his children at home… and shrugged.  Why not?  Seemed like a fair exchange all things considered, and together, the invaders, Sven and all the children pillaged their entire village leaving the idiots homeless as they sailed off and had great adventures for the rest of their lives- Learning that living in cooperation with other people was so much more satisfying, educational, and fulfilling than all the silly “self-improvement” that the other villagers were so singularly focused on.  The children had never had such kind adult attention before since all the adults of their old village were always “too busy” for them as well.  They were much happier with their new people- and from those children, legends were made.

As for the village?  No one ever heard of them again except for countless paintings of genitals  found in the wreckage and a rock that bore some resemblance to some random guy.

The end.

/Check your priorities, stop taking selfies, and contribute something meaningful to humanity, damnit.

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2 Responses to “Who Will Defend the Village?”

  1. Amen to THAT! “You just don’t understand what’s important, Sven… I am improving MYSELF… you are simply just trying to upset EVERYONE with your constant yelling. ”

    said every toxically ‘positive’ New Ager ever.

    • If even a single person relates to this- I feel my post was totally worth the effort! Thank you, Poppy! 🙂

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