Circling.

22123  As marriage draws closer I keep turning to this blog as catharsis-  I am days without real sleep now, I am tired, irritable, angry, and feel like a wolf-mother building a den.   That sort of hostile predator-mammal instinct I never knew I possessed is rising in me-  I am hyper-vigilent against anything I perceive as a threat- emotional, spiritual, or otherwise.  Instead of making bows and wreaths and party favors, I have instead chosen to cull and thin the people I associate with.  I am protective and fearful- I am one of a pair of people who are about to make a commitment to share a life- not a fairy-princess in training for a fucking ball.  I am building a home, not creating a party.  I have rearranged our furniture and mended some things around the apartment.  I am testing the air for storms and trying to think of worst case scenarios.

Instead of expanding my horizons, being “open and accepting” I am locking down my borders with barbed wire- pacing my internal fences like a she-wolf- not a fox, nor a raven- but a large, protective canid who both fears humans and loathes them….unlike the opportunistic fox who will happily live beside humanity and feed off of the scraps, just as any crow.

I want a happy marriage,  from the beginning of our relationship the difficulties we have overcome have not been hard, but ludicrous.  First, a married woman making hundreds of advances a day via text messages while he lived in her home with her husband- next, a woman who was only interested in “men in relationships” suddenly taking a new-found interest in an abandoned friendship.  Followed by a “friend” who suddenly decided he was a guru and deserved bowed respect, and the cowards who followed him.  Then add in the liars, the criminals, and those playing dress-up who danced in and out of our lives so quickly.  We have been lied about, maligned, and even feared.

However,  My longterm friends and family have pretty much remained the same with some minor exceptions-  I lost one friend, likely to prison, and I lost another to an unplanned pregnancy with a drug-addled woman that seems to have completely isolated him from his old life.   I lost another friend to good old fashioned common-sense; a person I still remained “friends” with who could not even raise their own kid in favor of their dead-end career who would berate me for my choices and decisions- but could not face her own demons. Ed stepped in on that one and opened my eyes a bit.

Ed is used to a pack of people, so I have introduced him to my brother’s friends- and he is taking to them well and vice versa- they have many common interests.  We are seeking other spiritual paths to explore and embrace- Celtic shamanism, the dark graces, and order-through-chaos.

I am a loner who seeks people individually when I need them.  Of the two of us, I appear the more outgoing and sociable- when in reality, I am likely the most comfortable with the silence of partial solitude. He lost more than I did- for endless reasons- and for all the searching, we have concluded it was not my fault except that by my existence I expose flaws, contradictions, and lies.   I shoot straight because I have been lied to; and I will be kinder to a stranger than I will be to someone I know to be an adult child.

I have my worries about signs and portents from people- not from nature.  I am incredibly fearful of the callousness of most of my family and how it will affect our wedding day and our marriage- already, my father seems to be out of the picture- and that upsets me. But that was on account of who he married, not anything I did or did not do.  However, my friends see that situation more clearly than I do.  I worry about assholes who claim to be “Asatru” acting like the Westboro baptists of heathenry and making a scene.

I have realized that one who seeks to make everyone happy is either a liar, sociopath, a politician, or insecure.  I have trimmed my facebook down significantly, and I have cut down the people in our hall to people who truly participate and people I honestly feel are worth my time.  I do not want to be surrounded any longer by people who cannot achieve adulthood, I don’t want people who can’t make an effort to recognize and seek help for life’s problems.  I no longer want to help those who refuse to help themselves…. and yet, I still crave approval from my own family which I will never receive.  However, I can recognize my own hypocrisy.

I want a strong household, a strong marriage, and I want to not have any influence around us that can possibly effect our personal wyrd.  My door is not open, nor is my window-  and if you knock, I might not answer- nor do I have any obligation to unless I or him have invited you.

I may never be a mother, but I have my den- within these apartment walls is my family; I am no longer suffering fools- but I “look” like an asshole in the process.

If an asshole is someone who wants to make sure that I am surrounded by nothing but the best people, the best of family, and the safest home- then I am an asshole.

I am not going to play “princess” and I am not going to “party”- I want stability, fulfillment, and I want till death do we part- not “Until something better shows up” like seems to be the common theme.  I want/am in full partnership of equals, and a confidant- not some suit wearing monkey to compliment a fucking dress for a day that just so happens to be inhabited by a girl pretending to be a woman.

I am watching the weddings in my facebook feed- the preparations, and all the insanity-  our simple wedding is stress enough without all the “extras.”

I cut all those people out of my life.

I want oaths that are binding and that mean something deep and spiritually fulfilling.  I don’t want bags of candy monogrammed with initials, I want an oath carved in blood- that should anything happen- then all effort will be exerted to find equilibrium again.  I know relationships are changeable things, but I want the changes to be weathered instead of abandoned at the first hint of rain.

I see women fretting like silly little dogs over the weather of their wedding day when I would prefer a cooling thunderstorm on my wedding day that keeps away the ambivalent and those of malcontent than a sunny day full of false smiles and sweat.

I want a happy, long, and meaningful marriage- and I want the wedding over with so it feels like our lives can “officially” start.

I’ve never felt this guarded before.

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