Difficult Post: Things I cannot abide.

Loki- By Spanielf of Deviantart. I own that belt he is wearing-nice Latvian weaving! Btw. I am tired of having my lips metaphorically sewn by “decorum”.

Ed mentioned I seem to go on the same tangents over and over again- I apologize; this post should be different if I am thinking clearly.  Basically over the course of the last several years my life has changed dramatically, better or worse- and I have learned a great deal.  In many ways, my eyes have been opened. In others, my trusted acceptance towards others has been shattered irreversibly.

So, with the wedding coming up- I am having unconventional issues that most people never have to concern themselves with.  For the wedding we have forgone a great deal of the pomp and circumstance- the flounces, the wine tastings, the endless stupid parties filled with giggling female friends I do not possess(my friends are primarily male).  We aren’t hiring a DJ, band, photographer, or wedding planner- we don’t have favors, cake tastings, costume fittings, nor are we shopping for caterers, florists, or horrendous things for our closest friends to wear as “attendants” to us.  We are not buying into the endless money pit, the consumerism, the stupidity, and the time-wasting annoyances.

We spent money where it counts, we bought his kilt/shirt ($150), I modified my own dress and shoes (under $50 including thread)- we bought flowers just for the bouquet and my hair- and we are both getting haircuts and we have a jeweler friend making custom rings based on an old Gaelic design.   My brother is making the cake, My fiance’s  family is providing food/utensils/plates/ what have you.  We rented a pavilion in a state park with a grill for under $100- and we asked our favorite Braucher and his friend to be our Clergy.  It’s a potluck/picnic open event so no one can get butt-hurt about not getting an invite=  show up or not, your decision.  We will be happy enough with good family, good friends, and good folk- whether the numbers be small or large.

But as the date grows nearer, I am NOT without stress-  my brother, sister-in-law and maternal grandmother have been especially helpful- as has Ed’s family as well as his  “second” family of his childhood friends- but for the most part we have asked for little if anything.  The rest of my family has been entirely absent without even lending even good wishes towards us.

Although my father seems to like my fiance- he seems to be on a ridiculously short leash and has just basically vanished-  my grandparents disowned me over a year ago for collecting SSD.  I went to college, got 2 degrees last year and did not attend my commencement nor have anyone in my family other than my brother and grandmother congratulate me.  I am concerned about my blood-family making an effort to ruin a beautiful day through ridicule, antagonism, and just plain petty meanness…fuck the community.

As far as the community goes- we have been surrounded by what I can best describe as extremes.  On one side- We are friends with countless good, honest people.  On the other, we have self-righteous idiots who cause their own problems; people who do things with their lives that honestly turn my stomach- they lie, they force others to submit to them, or they, themselves disown their own personal strength and respectability to enable bad actions to continue.  I realize their lives are not my life- but also, I see them as dangerous as some sort of contagion to my own life and have been cutting ties of my own.

– I will NEVER approve of slavery of one human to another, consensual or not, it’s a way of inflating the ego of the weak slave “owner” as well as allowing the slave to neglect personal responsibility.  I am disgusted.  Fighting for the right to keep a “slave” is NOT the same as LBGTQ asking for equal rights….it’s the denial of rights, idiots.  Consensual my ass- “Master made me do something bad.” is a cop out- and if it isn’t- it’s a criminal offense.  I have been in a student/apprentice sort of relationship and see the same issues with dedicating oneself to the service of any HUMAN.  Gods, sure- but humans?  Are you fucking kidding me?!  It’s a step backwards into time and history- why does every religious text on Earth talk about the goodness of releasing those in bondage? Furthermore-it is a poor thing to enslave another human being- creating an unhealthy relationship for not only the couple- but those who associate with them.  A good therapist and perhaps some self esteem on both parties can go a long way.  The enslave another while there are CHILDREN who are present is near criminal, so, it is best I absent myself from such individuals before I feel the Tyrian urge to call child services on people who obviously lack emotional competence and seem to have a skewed view of history.

-Infidelity-  I don’t care who you are and what you do- it IS a choice.  I would never wish this on myself, and with my upcoming marriage I don’t care if you single-handedly save a dozen children from fire- infidelity, even if it is emotional alone- is the direct choice of the situations you have permitted to exist in your life.  It didn’t “just happen”- you allowed it and no amount of other actions or accomplishments will allow me to see those who desire to cheat on their spouses as anything other than toxic.  You picked someone to spend your life with- if you no longer wish it- GET A DIVORCE, THEN PURSUE SOMEONE ELSE.  This has been a community problem I have seen since the beginning of our relationship surrounding us.

Then I see those who try to “Remedy” this with an “Open” relationship after the damage has been caused?  Really?  Okay, so that means you have one unethical person who “wants it all” and one pathetic person who is terrified of being left in the cold.   Seldom do I see that situation bring happiness and the one who did not wish the arrangement ends up weak and trampled.  Unless you met under the pretext of WISHING an open relationship equally on both sides, then one party is clearly taking advantage of the other and justifying what is little more than “open cheating”.

-Liars.  Jesus Christ on a mother fucking cracker-  Just because we refuse to dance to the out of tune ramblings of others does NOT mean that lying is suddenly “okay” by any standard.  This is why Asatru is becoming very quickly a joke in the eyes of many.  People have longer memories than one would suspect- and contradictions are noted and met with disgust, tiredness, and a desire to disassociate with anyone who knowing crafts falsehoods.  Why would anyone want to share Wyrd with you?

I am tired- I am not getting what I need- treatment wise, until my insurance changes.  My psychological self is suffering from lack of sleep and inadequate coping mechanisms.  I am tired of wondering or caring what things “look like” to people who have made no effort to respect me or my fiance- or people who would take up our time, our resources, and our hospitality as a means to continue to inflate their self-importance or use us as free therapists while disregarding our advice- where, on my end, I am unable to see the correct doctor who can actually help me work through myself for another few weeks, yet.

In the meantime:

Advice:  Take personal responsibility for your actions.   If you are sick, see a doctor.  If you are sick mentally and cannot afford a doctor, please seek either professionally trained clergy, a hotline, or hospitalization.   There are things in life that are out of one’s control- I understand that, then fucking make an effort to fix them.  I am not fixing people anymore, I have my own problems to fix.  I have a family who HATES me over the fact that I sought help when I could no longer handle my problems alone- and I have to worry about how much of a scene or how much/little regard they are going to have regarding my nuptials- where 5 years ago everything was “fine” because I was abiding by some unwritten set of rules of decorum that are no longer applicable to the modern world that seeking “help” is somehow shameful.

I have had to write “formal invitations” to people who have insulted me and hurt me deeply- Ed did not want me to do this, but part of me still wishes there could be amends made.  However, on the opposite side of the spectrum, there is a list of lunatics who I want caged that day- my mother at the top, who I have to do everything in my power to protect myself from lest I end up having to call the police and have yet MORE paperwork on my ever-increasing pile in the form of filing restraining orders.

So, I was told off by my fiancee last night that I “hurt” my brother by stating the only way I would want to see my mother is facing out of a coffin.   Honestly, there is no other appropriate feeling I can have towards the monster that intentionally harmed me physically and emotionally for years.  “A Child Called “IT”” was basically the story of my own life until I was 17.  My brother lives with survivors guilt, depression, as well as still tolerates her verbal abuse, then looks “hurt” when I want what amounts to a rabid animal dead?  There is a point at which a person ceases personhood-  it isn’t voluntarily given up as a “slave”- but rather when that “person’s” behavior becomes detrimental and causes deliberate, unprovoked harm to the majority of those they interact with.  Maybe I’m numbed a little in this one, tiny regard- but I can also be offended that someone can be “hurt” after witnessing 17 years of attempts on my life and extraordinary psychological abuse….and then also suffers on account of the continued existence of the same person?  Am I allowed to claim “hurt” that my brother can still care for someone who hurt me when I was young and innocent as well?  If so, why not?

I have been sociopath bait for most of my life- I would take a sociopath I can reason with rather than a schizophrenic who blames me for my own birth.  Bring back Maliheh and allow me to sink my intellectual teeth into his self loathing, bring back an ex who is stuck with an ugly girl less intelligent than I and so I may ask him how he enjoys his life of reality shows and shoe shopping.

Allow me to be unbound like Fenris- my lips unsewn, and allow ME to seek retaliation for unjustices I have been subjected to- but I know I will never face the opportunity, and if I do- my mental barriers will prevent me from claiming the retribution by tearing down the psyches of those who have sought to harm me for no good reason.   I have the words, but I am too Tyrian to use them as the sit behind my teeth- but should the opportunity present itself- I know my husband can and will say what I cannot if I am rendered voiceless.

So, how does one end up a Lokean after such things?  Because Loki is a sympathetic figure to those who have been victimized for their intelligence, victimized for being honest, as well as victimized by those who wish to create an “enemy” to distract from their own short comings.

My mother isn’t an “enemy”- she is a rabid dog who should have died years ago from her own neglect of her medical conditions, and yet- remains saved via modern medicine.  I fear her showing up at my wedding, and I have asked for every single person who knows her on site to have her forcibly removed if she appears- or else, the police will be called.

AS for “enemies” within the community? Don’t make me laugh.  I either disregard you entirely in the face of these greater problems and fears or you disgust me in the way that removing a leach after swimming in a lake disgusts me.   It’s worth avoiding swimming in the same lake again….should they show up at the wedding, I will be polite, but will not allow myself unaccompanied at any time and faced alone with such people.

Unlike many in the “community” I don’t judge others based on the color of their skin or the background of their ancestry- but rather by their deeds and what their actions have wrought- positive or negative.  I am done with racism, sexism, and the lies of “race” and claims of superiority based on nothing more than pigmentation and cultural differences.

I am done with negatives, and I agree entirely with my fiancee on withdrawing from what is basically a sinking ship= but I will say that I am not going to hole myself up here in this apartment.  There are other paths, other friends, and other new things to explore outside a bunch of people hailing Gods they have not researched nearly enough out of their own ignorance:

So, the man who holds a slave bound wants to hail the God who Himself was bound?   *slow clap*.  I always thought you were creepy after last year and I tolerated you for the sake of my fiancee-   Why not write another poem to Tyr who also despises slavery- or better yet, Write and ode to Freyr- the freer of Slaves himself and see how well your life goes.  You lost your job because you have become intolerable self important prick.  I am attacking you because you INSULT my Gods by calling on them leading your disgrace of a life.

My life is going just fine, except for the bitterness I cannot escape, the resentments, and the flashbacks I cannot control.  I cannot escape the feeling of tainted disgust on my person by interacting with oathbreakers, liars, and the self-important who speak pretty words with their mouths but with their actions create nothing but discord. I am going through Freyja’s Hall today and removing people from our online group.

If I removed a follower of this blog in error- just ask to be re-added and send me a message on facebook.  You can do so by copy and pasting my name on some other forum I have commented on to find my profile…or via my fiance’s profile.  Easy enough.

I will no longer suffer fools who cannot learn, those who called themselves “learned” who harm others, nor those who speak of the Virtues but have none.

My PTSD sometimes speaks more loudly and with better sense than any person.


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