Living With a “Broken” Heart- and Why I Think it’s Hilarious….

Artist unknown- But It's Loki! With a Raven- in red stuff.  Think Neil Gaiman's "Desire" from "Sandman": Loki at the threshold of the heart, perhaps?  :)

But It’s Loki! With a Raven- in red stuff. Think Neil Gaiman’s “Desire” from “Sandman”: Loki at the threshold of the heart, perhaps?
🙂
Artist-“Loki transforming into falcon” by spanielf on deviantArt (here is a link to the illustration: http://www.deviantart.com/art/Loki-transforming-into-falcon-120901782).

So, a long time ago and far far away (according to my memories, anyway- I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday)…I was in and out of hospitals for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  This was actually a year or two ago-  I’m pretty open about it, I learned a great deal.

Firstly, I learned that the vast majority of “mental” patients are sensitive, intelligent people who are simply victims of extraordinary levels of abuse.  Then again, in “The Horsham Hotel”, as we called the clinic- they did their very best to put people with similar conditions in the same ward- honestly, out of meeting 40 people over the course of 9-12 days each time, I MIGHT have met 2-4 people who were legitimately insane in the way you would typically imagine…and out of those 4, as soon as 2 of them were medicated, they were NORMAL.  I learned that a schizophrenic on medication can out-clever almost any PhD student, and I would sit in awe of the intelligence of some of the people I met whose conditions were so much more socially stigmatized than my own- but, fuck-all if they weren’t brighter, more perceptive, and more “crippled” by living in a society where innate genius is suspect unless channeled into academic achievement or government service.

Anyway, before I get off topic too badly.  On a scale from 1 to pancake as far as “crazy” goes-  I average out somewhere on the “pancake” side of average…but I am pancake enough that I still have far to go, recovery-wise.  I try too hard, I write too much, I break the rules and read up on current events and get all guilty feeling and upset because I could have/should have/would have/ might have been someone who could have been a voice of reason in the well of Crazy they call American media: then subsequently,  I lose my mind on occasion, I forget where I am, I have flasbacks- the whole 9 yards- I’ve said this all before- yadda, yadda, yadda….

So, to the meat and bones of this post- over this time, the majority of my family disowned me- because PTSD was not considered “real” enough to them- despite the fact that most of these same people were there to witness first hand the initial abuse that started the chain reaction of events that lead to being put on SSD- started with physical child abuse and ended in a police interrogation where I was cuffed to a chair and interrogated for 5 hours while denied legal council…

Look, I just wanted to be a diplomat to Iran. (Don’t worry, I don’t anymore.  Hell, I hardly leave this apartment.)

You try and sit through a full police interrogation with PTSD already,  and see how sane you feel after that.

I believe the quote from my grandfather was to the tune of: “It would have been better if you did kill yourself instead of stealing OUR Social Security WE paid into- besides, it’s not a REAL disease like a Heart condition.”  When he so kindly called me when I was released from the hospital.

Well, I have some news!……drumroll please….

I have a heart condition!  (Also, I paid into Social Security just like every other American from 15 years old onward- and made decent money for most of my 20’s- that section of my family is wealthy and newly judgmental since moving into their retirement cult community of tea-partying psuedo-Libertarians)

Anyway, so- it’s Tachycardia-  It seems to have almost the exact same physical symptoms as a panic attack- which means I can not discern when I am truly “Panicked” or if it’s just my heart losing rhythm- they both amount to the same symptoms in the end.   I also have asthma, but that’s old news.  This will require surgery- I am ineligible for pills since most of my normal prescriptions are on the “sedative” side anyway- and my heart rate is still 110-150.  Without sedatives?  We don’t know- but they rejected my idea for me to go off my normal routine medications for a few days for fear of breaking 200 bpm at-rest.

I said “I think that sounds neat, actually.”
They were not amused.

They still won’t give me a straight answer on a scale from “Common cold” to “Deadly Cancer” as to what Tachycardia translates to- but they will not medicate me for it since my blood pressure is 80/60.  Because, really- they still don’t know.  They know it’s above “Common cold”, though with the blood pressure taken into consideration.

They said, if medicated, I would likely faint often-  I replied “I’m terrible at sleeping anyway- I don’t mind, really!”  Again, they were not amused.

I don’t feel a thing, I was diagnosed by a nurse at the local blood center I was donating my platelets to regularly. Without a dose of Valium immediately prior to entering the building, I would get kicked out 2/3 days in a row for my high pulse.  I joked about it.  I wanted them to put up a chart of records for everything I used to get kicked out for:  High heart rate, low blood pressure, low iron, high iron, etc.   Mostly, it was my heart rate.  I thought it was a giant joke, really.  My heart has been like this for YEARS.  I do not feel a damned thing.

The nurse didn’t think it was funny either which is why I got sent to the cardiologist.

Anyway, so I have never felt so utterly Lokian/Lokien as I do at this moment with this situation: I have a condition which I can’t feel distinctly from my typical daily madness… and the cherry on the icing is that it makes my family look like complete ASSHOLES (even more so than before.) AND they will have to face the masses of people who love me, who all know what they said to me and what I am going through.

Delicious.

In pulling my records- it is clear that the Tachycardia was present but undiagnosed for at least 5 years at minimum…and my heart on account of this is “larger” than it should be- this is apparently a problem too.

I’m not dying of this, but it could be PART of the fabric of my psyche that I just became so accustomed to I cannot discern it from anything else- from asthma attack to flashbacks-  It could be Tachycardia, It could be my lungs, or I could be crazy.

For everyone who hoped I ended up “broken hearted”-  Hah! Loki rules.

If you ever ask for Loki to make you a milkshake, be prepared to be put in a blender and covered with whipped cream, asshats.  Loki is not the God I personally go to for favors, for curses, etc.

For me, he’s the one I go to to say “Thank you” or more appropriately “Hey, check out this humorous insanity here…”

I figure there are more than enough people asking Him for the wrong things-  Thinking he is some Asatru version of Satan.  I imagine there is some cult kindred out there wearing upside-down Valknuts and chanting in backwards German to Loki, Sutr, and Hel- and making complete and total asses of themselves.

I look up to Loki, I abide by His example- and right now, I think I am handling this with the humour He would expect out of such a situation.   I have made my friends and  family aware of all the little gory details of this new development so even if they are incapable of feeling shame for their treatment of me- I know others will look on them with further disgust at their negligence and ignorance- which satisfies me.

And to anyone who “cursed me with a broken heart”, if they exist at all-  Way to fuck that one up! 🙂

So, I call a cardiologist- all total I have had 6 days in testing and all that has been concluded is mine is in no way connected to my mental condition whatsoever- and I still have 2 more weeks of testing to go; which they are graciously allowing me to wait until AFTER my wedding to complete, grudgingly.  The blood center called today too-  I am banned from returning without a doctor’s note giving me “permission” to donate again.

Most people they beg…me?  They need a permission slip.  Only a Lokian.

I’m sorry, but a heart monitor on a sling will NOT be my “something blue”…. and I promised I would try not to die. By the end of August, though- I should have an idea of what this all means, as in- “Will insurance cover the surgery now…or do I need to wait until I am of a certain age like my hysterectomy?”

I’ve been working on finding personal immortality, so far so good…. however, in typical shamanic process I have been slowly having parts of my body surgically removed since I was 19.  In the Dreamtime, they usually put crystals in there or something- last time I had something removed they gave me a pump full of penicillin- Cool, except I was allergic to Pennicilin and ended up on 3 months worth of burn-patient meds.

It was the best summer I can’t remember-  except to recall my military buddy fighting with a 19 year old over who got my excess tampons- he wanted them for bullet wounds….and I recall a lot of pills, trying to read “Dune” repeatedly, and writing a tripped out report on the movie “Gattica” for a class I only physically sat through two sessions of.  I got an A for the semester.  Great professor, Dr. Falla; I’m still sad I missed his lectures, but I have been to his church services where he is a pastor.

(Do you have any idea how hard it is to sit through a church service lead by one of your college professor…?  I wanted to raise my hand so badly and ask for clarification when he was using the scriptures of Paul… why not the gospels? Council of Nicaea approved texts?=bad news!  C’mon sir, you’re UCC!  I want to hear some Gnosticism! )

Speaking of religiousy things- The Wedding festivities are all of July-still…. and it’s open invitation to all who wish to come and bring food to the picnic on the 28th.  Plenty of time for the news of my “broken heart” to make the rounds, I’m sure.

We are excited to meet with our favorite Braucher on the 29th of June and his Universalist cohort to plan the ceremony itself. 🙂

Go team Jotun-born-  You guys did me a solid once again- there really isn’t anything bad to say about me at this point, except in that I might be just a TAD bit too smug that in the end, people have to eat the their own unjust words, or at least- guard their mouths more carefully for what they ask for might come true and turn the tables on them…

….and if I “need” anything, I ask Tyr.   Justice?  In a way that doesn’t bother me physically in any way but makes other people look foolish and exposes them as inconsiderate?  Sure, I’ll take it.

But again, what Lokian would not be this way?

🙂
(P.S. I have no idea why people spell it “Lokien” vs. “Lokian”; does anyone out there in cyberspace have an answer? Does it even matter?)

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11 Responses to “Living With a “Broken” Heart- and Why I Think it’s Hilarious….”

  1. moonfire2012 Says:

    I have both tachycardia and a heart murmur so I can relate.

    • How does it affect your life? I have no idea what I should be experiencing; but I’m not experiencing it “right”. I sat calmly in front of the nurse with a pulse of 145 and didn’t feel a thing.

      • moonfire2012 Says:

        Well, it usually dosen”t bother me either unless it turns into arrythmis. Then it feels like a hard pressure against my chest every time it beats. A good diet has helped a lot with that, which is probably caused by too much cheese or sugar.

  2. moonfire2012 Says:

    I meant to say arrythmia.

    • I eat pretty healthy- but when I don’t it’s my intestines that suffer….nothing else. I honestly cannot recall any time other than being cut off by tractor trailers when driving when I can actually feel my heart “pound”… then it’s only for a minute or two.

      Also- weird side note, when I am concentrating on anything long enough- I forget to breathe. I only notice when suddenly I gasp after a few minutes. Especially when writing.

      I have NO idea where I picked that up- however, I CAN hold my breathe for over 5 minutes comfortably.

      Weird.

      • I catch myself holding my breath when I’m concentrating real hard on something. Otherwise, I can’t hold it longer than a few seconds underwater, and can only run/jog for about 30 seconds to a minute before my heart and lungs demand I slow down lest they burst. I wish I could hold my breath for 5 minutes straight!

    • Not really- It just makes it so my asthma symptoms go untreated and then confuses me why I can’t catch up after I STOP holding my breath.

      Then comes the frantic search for my inhaler…..which is ALWAYS missing…..

  3. I had a heart murmur when I was a baby, so I don’t remember any of it.
    I just wanted to let you now that the illustration of Loki that you used is entitled “Loki transforming into falcon” by spanielf on deviantArt (here is a link to the illustration: http://www.deviantart.com/art/Loki-transforming-into-falcon-120901782). I am not the artist, but I just want the artist to get the credit she deserves.

    • Thank you! I always credit the artist when the information is given to me. 🙂 I will change the caption immediately!

  4. Pamelyn Says:

    It is true. You are loved. And in the end, that is all that matters.

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