Recurring Nightmare: Life without Loki’s intervention

Loki-artist unknown

Loki-drawn by ladyavali from deviantart
http://browse.deviantart.com/art/Loki-279291197

“Each God brings it’s own madness.  To know a god-to be accepted by it-to feel its mysteries, well you have to let that madness wash over you and through you.” -Phil Hine, “The Psuedonomicon”

Since the very first week I began dating my fiancee- I have had a recurring nightmare that generally stays along the same theme.   To understand this,  I must explain that before we began dating I was slated to go to University of Maryland for my Masters degree in Persian Linguistics; from there, I was expected to work a peaceful, diplomacy job as a diplomat between us and the country of Iran.  Before that, I tried to enroll in a similar program in Iran itself at the University of Tehran for an MA in Diplomacy.

Obviously, in a domino effect, all of this became impossible- beginning with the Canadian embassy being sacked and defaced with anti-American propaganda after the movement for Iranian democracy, the Green movement, utterly failed.  Further, Arab Spring did not “Spring” nearly far enough- and the consequences of “Arab Spring” seem to be nothing but senseless violence, deaths, and heartaches for my friends who have family and friends in Syria, Egypt, Turkey, as well as the fear and courage of my American military friends and their families.  My brother’s best friend is going to Afghanistan as a medic, and I am seriously considering mailing to him all my Persian to English translation books as well as my introduction to Persian 1-5 series, since Dari and Farsi are about as close to one another as Spanish and Italian-  One can get the point across, but complex communication is difficult.   However, it might be better than nothing- and those books are doing no good whatsoever right now on my shelves.

So, once every one to two weeks I have a dream- a dream where Eddie is not in my life-  I swear to people in the dream I was engaged, and in the worst dreams people laugh at me and tell me cruelly, “Who would marry you?  You’re a wreck!”  In other dreams, I am engaged to one of my exes and break it off, or am recently dumped.  But the common factor is that Ed does not exist; I know something important is missing- and the more I try to tell people in the dream, the more they call me crazy.   In many of the dreams, I am still studying Farsi, or it’s the week before I was supposed to leave for Maryland before my program lost the funding to cover my tuition.  (Now the intensive language summer language program ceases to exist entirely if what I was told last year was true.)

In real life, my last semester of college was utterly hell- I was suicidal, but with pigheaded determination I was determined to either get through and do something important with my life or die trying as I was fighting myself, fighting an abusive emotional relationship, and fighting the greater part of my family who believed I was either some sort of terrorist or some sort of liar.  I lost a great deal, I spent a lot of time with people who loved me and people in my college holding me together the best they could.   I was being abused by my department and forcibly estranged from a professor that had been my mentor.  I had an internationally famous Sufi send his best student to teach me Sufism though his method- only to learn that that same man had made “Time” magazines top 100 most influential people.  Without him and his students, I would have become a very bitter person, and I would have lost much of the basis for my spirituality.

But during that difficult time, Loki was absent….Loki was honestly the individual who triggered the spark which had put me into that particular situation in life-  and he did so by a sentence “See that man down there?  He is honorable and worthy of your protection.” … and from there, I promised myself I would protect the person He asked me to….and I did the best I can.  Even through abuse, confusion, and losing credit for my own research.  When that man lost his ethics, I did not retaliate against him.  When I expressed to others the wrongs he did, I indicated I would take no action against him- I explained the stress of his life and emphasized compassion-  I was broken directly by my association with that person but I demanded nothing except that they would try to help him with his complicated life, if he would allow it… and one day, during a particularly bad bought of flashbacks I deleted over 400 emails correspondences with his alias- who served both as my lifeline and my downfall through the worst period of my life.

I ended up in police custody for several hours, which then lead to an extended hospitalization.  I dated two people one right after the other who helped me get over the “rebound” of bullshit I was enmeshed in before.   And throughout the last three months-  Eddie was there, patiently waiting- asking to at least take me to dinner.  I kept a blog, and he read it; he knew the rumours in the community about me, and it intrigued him instead of pushing him away to seek someone who had been through less; because he had also seen and been through some crazy things himself.

So, because of the interrogation and subsequent hospitalization, I ended up on disability-  without being interrogated, I probably would not have had the compassion of the SSI judge who treated me not like a mental patient, but more like a combat veteran….and he offered me no dispute, but wished for God to bless me, and he hoped I would find peace.

That same week I had a dream….  the red haired God came to me actually in two dreams, the first, he was teaching the same class of my former mentor in the same classroom, and it was finals day; but it was as if HE taught the class all along, not the professor.  I woke up, then fell back asleep- and we were outside, him in a red and white tracksuit smiling as he offered me weird candy (which I have on my altar btw) and he was shy, and honestly seemed surprised at me- like he acted like he was afraid I wouldn’t like him…and he said something to the extent “…that most people don’t, and don’t give him a chance.”  I woke up again….it was early, and I fell back asleep a third time.

At this point, I had been with Eddie a total of a week.   Here, the red-haired God was dressed the most “formally”  His hair was combed back into a ponytail, he wore a long black jacket, black boots, and his facial hair was shaved into a mustache/goatee.  He looked at me seriously and he asked me to sit beside him on the curb of a road where no cars drove- in front of my old college near the statue of the college founder.  …and he began to speak to me (and likely asked me to hear him out without interrupting- can’t remember, but I interrupt people usually so most people usually asked that of me).  I remember Him looking down at his hands and explaining that He was incredibly sorry, He was sorry He wasn’t there- because the situation was so bad He knew I wouldn’t Hear him if He tried to speak to me during that time-  He also thought I would be angry… however, anger is an emotion I have never been good at- my mother was an angry woman, and because of that, I vowed to be so unlike her that when I DO get angry, I don’t really know how to handle it and it passes quickly into confusion or sorrow.

Overall, He explained that He and all the Gods can see many things and be many places more than humans….but even They cannot predict everything, see everything, or be everywhere… and the things that can do that don’t talk to humans man to man.   He explained He was sorry, for everything;  that I did more than He ever asked or expected me to- and I had been through enough.  He then brought out a red rose, it was on fire- but it did not burn- and He promised me that from now on He would protect me spiritually, I was family, and that he was “giving” me Eddie to protect me on Midgard.  He had His arm around me and His green eyes looked both tired and proud and he had an apologetic smile.  He expected me to be angry with Him- I wasn’t at all.  I said I made my own choices, and some of them weren’t the best, and *I* apologized for where I failed- when I turned the professor in for his misdeeds.  “He was no longer honorable then, (he said my name).  You didn’t have to protect him anymore and it wasn’t wrong at all even if you did it years sooner.”

My life has NOT been “perfect” since…. no life is.  However, I often get the feeling that I am living in a “pocket” alternate reality.  I have a fiancee, a beautiful apartment, cats, and I don’t have to work (well, I can’t work, really).  I still get flashbacks, but I have health insurance.  I have more than enough money to live on.   I have lost most of my family over the past few years who either think I’m lazy or a terrorist.  But I can’t help to think, often, that the reality I am living was created with exquisite care for my safety.  I have seen people try to attack the reputations of Eddie and I over several months over stupid shit- but I don’t care.  Why?  Because if even one tiny little aspect of my life was different, if one tiny little diplomatic action did or did not occur that could have changed our relations with the middle east, these people would be far from my life anyway.   I get really upset when I hear about Turkey and Syria- and the troubles they have.  I don’t watch the news and I am supposed to limit my internet and avoid news sites….including facebook.   I have been diagnosed with a heart condition, which now explains why people with complex PTSD do not live long- we stroke out by 45 or commit suicide on average- however, I discovered through an online forum for PTSD by asking a question- that almost EVERYONE who responded to my post was diagnosed with the same heart condition.

If treated, I can live longer…. if treated, I might be able to go back to school and be a chaplain for minority religions- which was the only reason I went back to school at 27 in the first place! I’d work in hospitals, I’d bless babies and stillborns, pray with the families and the ailing, and I’d learn all the rituals for last rites for the dying.

Then, also, over the past year- Tyr came to me, introduced to me by a dead relative- although I knew Him before.  He told me clearly that he knew me before Loki, and He demanded an altar and broke the right hands off of various statuettes until I bought him a statue.  His altar is the only one the cats refuse to touch.  After buying the statue, I learned His ways increasingly more;  I learned how complicated justice can be- that although his words may be brief, he is ancient, timeless, and not only approves of Loki, but taught Loki’s children when they were young.  He sees no such thing as “Rokkr” vs. “Aesir” or “Vanir”.  He was the first of the Gods of the North- He has no southern ancestor that I know of… Loki who traveled through other names and other times.  Tyr was the ancient Northern Sky, the heart of what is now Germany, and a God of a time more simple before lawyers and complicated laws.  Tyr and Loki are both Gods of sacrifice-  Where Loki sacrifices reputation, Tyr sacrifices publically-  He’s a God.  He could grow back His hand if He wanted to- but He chooses not to- because it is a symbol that for justice to be served, sometimes, things need to be sacrificed, never to be regained again.

Ultimately, Loki is like an older brother to me-  I know He’s around, I never fear Him.   I feel closer to Him than I do most of my biological family-  His daughter is Ed’s main Goddess, we are both “family”.   Ed has been learning incredible things from her in all her faces and forms- we have learned how to close doors to reveal the brightness of the doors that are open to us for growth.  My very first teacher of metaphysics is still alive and calls us back like Ed and I were simply “ambassadors” to the Asatru, and to share what we know with the greater mystical community at large- not Wiccans or those of specific paths, but the actual Magicians that claim no one “right way”- who put on the mask of “white light” but then summon black horses to remove the unquiet dead.

We are working more closely with our respective heretiages.  I have been delving deeper into the Vanic Latvian traditions-  My grandmother who still talks to me is a huge fan of Freyr, who in Latvian is named “Janis”-  he is a God of laughter, fertility, happy marriages, and death- and in death, all Latvians of the old religion go to a place of eternal summer, beautiful trees, and clear streams.  Vanheim- His realm.  I still have not spoken to Frigg, although she is “Mara” and the mother of half my families religion- and I fear her because my mother was incredibly abusive and I intentionally estranged myself a decade ago.  I am afraid Mara/Frigga would ask me to reconnect with her- and I fear being cursed for not doing so.  So, I avoid Her.

I also avoided Thor because I had been treated so disrespectfully by His followers….He is also a God in Latvia by the name of Perkons- God of Thunder.  He sat across from me with a bottle of the worst mead I ever tasted- and spoke with an accent so thick and so unfamiliar to me I had to ask him to repeat himself a few times.  He was frustrated with me; He said there was NEVER any true animosity between Loki and Him- that it was story created by humans.  He asked me, nicely, to please stop perpetuating the myth by my actions.  He was actually very kind, a little gruff, and very well spoken- and he commented on THAT as well- that he was not “some oaf with a hammer”

“You act surprised I speak with such eloquence- I am a God.”  He said….I felt about 3 inches tall- and I stammered apologies.  However, the meeting overall was very good.   He said that few who are “called by Tyr” actually agree to work with Him.  I never really considered it a choice, really.  I asked why,  Thor said “It’s a hard life to live- His ethics in your world are not accepted well today.”

It’s true, they aren’t.  It’s a life without lying, and a life of involvement.  It’s a life of being a whistle blower, the person who says “No”, and the person who calls the authorities when any injustice is personally witnessed- even if I am not involved.   If I see it, and then I see Tyr-  I know I will not be left to myself until I “handle” the situation to His liking.

It’s a life of giving warnings, and if they are unheeded, walking away.  A life of helping those who truly want help even if they drive you up a wall sometimes….and leaving those to their own devices who ask for help and fail to listen or change.

It’s losing friends who cannot take responsibility for their actions, it’s surrounding yourself with just people- regardless of religion/lack of religion, background, and lifestyle who also live “out in the open”.   There are no skeletons in a Tyrian closet.

Where Loki is a brother or a teacher, Tyr is a boss or a Dean- His word is absolute, His messages are never riddles, they are “Do this” or “Stop”…but also, he is old, deep, and very, very wise to speak to as long as you give Him the same respect you would give a human of insanely high rank.   In my life, all people are equal- but if Colin Powell sat next to me in a bar, I would damn well address him as “sir” and buy his drinks if I could.

I can’t come up with a better analogy.

So, it was Tyr who demanded I do my best to show others Loki’s honesty and to clear His name.  Loki never asked it, but He appreciates it.

As for my dreams- I imagine if there is a book of destiny, it is filled with mostly blank pages where every so often there is a sentence written here and there of what is meant to come to pass.

I know in my heart of hearts, that the pages I am living write now were not the ones that were originally written for me-  I was written a much kinder, more gentle life than I was initially created to endure.  I still live with difficult hardships, but I am overall blessed in ways that make others oftentimes jealous to the point of anger- either because I have the man they wanted, or that I collect SSD (although they do not see the endless doctors appointments, the terrifying flashbacks, or feel the pain of estrangement from former blood family that hurts every day)

I have two beautiful weddings coming up- and my friends from all over the entire WORLD have made plans to actually attend!  I might not even see my own father, but my lab partner from college 10 years ago is coming from Brazil- how cool is that?

Every single day I get upset over losing my family- but I am now closer to my grandmother and my little brother than I ever was.  I have almost all the same friends I had 10 years ago- I only lost four, one by my choice, one died, one listened to lies about me, and the other due to prison most likely.

I have annoying legal battles- but they are “annoying” not terrifying anymore….and at the end of them is the promise of a two-lawyer pro-bono lawsuit like a pot of gold and a rainbow just waiting for me as I sit inside and await the hailstorm to pass.  But the fact is, I *have* an inside to wait in.

We are working with an Irish shaman, we are being asked to “set up a table” at local expos and shows- to toss the runes, the bones, and read the gypsy cards I did when I was a teenager.   We are surrounded by opportunity, old friends, and possibilities that have no expiration date-

“When you’re ready.”

I have a book to write, and a book published….I have a wedding dress to mend and finish, I have ordered my bouquet and the same teachers and staff who held me together in college are coming to see me get married, and are excited for it.   My teachers of magic over the years have marked their calendars, friends from every single stage of life- old schools, old jobs, everything- and I could invite more.

My life isn’t perfect- but my life is better than I could have ever hoped for- in all honesty, the biggest, most difficult problem I have according to my doctors (other than tachycardia)- is the fact that part of me refuses to “let go” of the part of my biological family who causes me heartache because they were better to me than my mother.   But being “better than my mother” is like saying getting lung cancer is better than brain cancer- neither of them are a happy, healthy diagnosis- by constantly throwing myself up against that wall, it’s about as effective as smoking a cigarette to solve my health issues.

As for the rest of life?  People love me, people hate me, and if I lived in the movie “The Purge”-  I would have to ask my military friends for some spare equipment both to protect myself as well as to do some hunting of my own…  but honestly, I likely wouldn’t even have to “hunt”.

Some people are delusional and live in fantasy worlds that do not reflect real life.   I live in a world created for me by the Gods that was never predicted to be necessary where I am loved, given the tools to fix myself, and most of all, safe- where my original path would have been nothing but danger and possibly on an international level.

I was trained for the probable “might have been” that wasn’t- but I stayed to my convictions no matter how much I lost or hurt, and because of that, I am cared for now in such a way that I have no regrets and I know I was given a little slice of Vanheim on Earth early….and I can honestly say I feel closer to the Gods than I do most people, which means everything.  I think the bad dreams are to remind me of where I could be- and when I wake up and see Eddie next to me- I become extraordinarily happy that I “missed out” on what would have been a very lonely  and painful road without him….and I would not have had him at all if I did not stay true to my promise to Loki.

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11 Responses to “Recurring Nightmare: Life without Loki’s intervention”

  1. I am glad you overcame the hardships you have faced with the help of Loki and the other Gods! 🙂
    I’m just letting you know that the illustration of Loki that you used was drawn by ladyavali form deviantart (here’s a link to her Loki picture: http://browse.deviantart.com/art/Loki-279291197). I am not her, but have seen that picture before and I just want her to get the credit she deserves for her beautiful artistry of Loki.

  2. I enjoyed reading this, thank you for sharing these moments. I understand what you mean when you wake up and see the person you are given as an incredible gift. The relief, the joy, the shadows of the “might have beens” shrinking back into the abyss.

    I am so happy for you and Eddie, you are both an inspiration to me.

    • Thank you- sometimes we feel like everyone hates us to be honest. It’s nice to get an alternative point of view for a change!

  3. I began to read this entry the other day, and I had to take a break. I don’t know why. This entry strikes me as so tangled, and yet so well written. Something about this this entry made me feel so… emotional. This entry is triumphant in its beauty.
    Maybe it is the artwork, maybe it is the writing…but nonetheless, I am moved by this entry.

    Thank you for sharing your story. It is an example of how the Gods work ways in our lives that we cannot see, and yet, They are always there.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

    • Thank you for your kind words! I think tangled– and I don’t really think in words so much as in pictures and emotions. That’s why things I say often seem repetitive and garbled sometimes. I keep trying to get my words to match what I see in my head!

      I’m glad you liked it 🙂

  4. Thankyou for posting this (although I feel like I’m intruding on sacred space as your writing is so personal) I hope you and Eddie continue to have a good life together and continue to successfully triumph over you shared trials and tribulations. Eddie must be the centre of your life for that nightmare of yours to be so potent. Also not everyone hates you I always come here to read and get away from the gore and black venom from elsewhere on-line. It sometimes makes me think of Laocoon’s fate in The Aeneid. Despite my musings I look forward to updates on your wedding in time 🙂

    • Thank you for the education: I had to look up the story of priest Laocoon- as I was unfamiliar with it. In a less academic sense- sometimes, I just feel like Haymitch Abernathy from “The Hunger Games”- both analogies work in being stuck with being forced to see and understand nightmares in this world and being near powerless to stop the mechanism that causes them- except by talking about them in a limited sort of way.

      I realized a long time ago that the best way to protect oneself from others was to be completely open to the world. I have my own venom at times, too. My biggest concerns have come from people who can lie- a good lie can be made about anything, from anything, and about anything and cannot be contradicted. I fear liars and there are people I do hate- but I do not write about them….and thankfully, they number in the single digits-( one of which worked for Monsanto, for instance and abused a friend) Most people who harm me are usually forgotten quickly.

      Ironically, when I was little- my mother was so mentally ill she believed all “bad” things that happened in her life were my fault- and she would hold me captive until I “stopped lying”- in a weird way, being forced to lie so much when I was a small child has made me into a brutally honest adult- it doesn’t earn friends, and when faced with seeing unethical behavior happening in front of me- I feel compulsion to act, for not only my own sanity, but to satiate Tyr. However, even for my own mother, I do not “hate” her- but instead view her as some sort of rabid animal that I avoid at all costs- she isn’t a human being to me, and when she finally dies, it will be a relief that I will no longer have to concern myself with her continued harm to the rest of my family- namely my brother and grandmother.

      On account of this- I have had to distance myself from certain people- knowing if I learned too much about them, I would be forced to act against them. I have called child services on the mother of my Godchild 10 years ago on account of neglect- I have also told people when I know their spouses to be unfaithful- That is the Loki in me.

      Also, I cannot promise to keep any secret- all I can promise is that my memory is poor and I take medication that is meant to suppress it further to keep my flashbacks at a minimum. I cannot abide infidelity, deceit, or manipulation….beyond that, divine law supersedes human law always. I don’t care what people do to themselves so long as they do not cause preventable harm to others….especially children. So, anyone can go out and smoke up some drano, speed through school zones at 3am at 120mph, all while drinking everclear directly from the bottle- I only care when lack of responsibility leads to direct harm. I have friends who are drug addicts, “legally” defined criminals, and illegal prostitutes. They don’t harm anyone- therefore, I am comfortable around them. Then again, there are people who live perfectly within the law who, if I had the ability, I would k, ill if I could get away with it on account of their sociopathy ruining the lives of people I care for. I’m far from pacifist

      On the other hand, I am fantastic in a crisis situation, and likely one of the best people to come up with a MacGyver solution to almost any personal crisis; most of my life has been from one “crisis” to the next and I turned to writing after I blessed with both Ed and SSD which then put me into a position of stability I had never experienced prior.

      Thank you for your kind words, and I am glad people can find some sort of usefulness in it! The center of my life is actually my religion- but Edward makes a close second 🙂

      • To be honest your description of your mother sounds alot like my grandmother who was an angry, bitter and abusive woman her whole life (I don’t know if she was mentally ill though). She kicked out three of her children from the family home in their late teens and spent the last years of her life living in the house with my grandfather and youngest son and she stopped speaking to both in her last two years. When she finally died my grandfather was able to reconcile with his children and grandchildren and we now see him fairly regularly. I think in her case the world actually became a better place when she died and my mother has become happier these last two years. I don’t think she feels like she has to look over her shoulder in case she’s there anymore. Also she’s not afraid to look in a mirror and see my grandmother looking back anymore. I suppose you may act like my Mam when yours finally dies she didn’t know whether to rejoice, be angry or be sad either way she was relieved as it was over.

  5. I know exactly how I’d feel; Relief. I don’t dance, but I would dance on her grave. Macabre, I know- but I cannot think of a single positive about the woman- I believe limitedly in reincarnation and I have realized even a starving mother in the Sudan has love- if she didn’t intentionally get herself knocked up at 17, just about anywhere else would have been better.

    I am pro-abortion, pro-sterilization, and if we require people to take a test to drive, I feel birth control should be mandatory until a test is passed for parenting.

    Honestly, I would have preferred to have been aborted and given a better shot elsewhere.

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