Archive for June, 2013

How to/not to make an Oath

Posted in About me on June 27, 2013 by Tyrienne

1. Make sure all parties involved are of sane mind and not intoxicated. (The day prior to entering a mental institution does not constitute “Sane mind” for example)

2. Make certain that the oath has been planned prior to the undertaking for at least a week if not longer.

3. If not more than one drop of blood/bodily fluid is shed- consider it the Gods way of saying “No way, Jose.”

4. If one of the parties wishes the oath to be broken/annulled between one and another- consider all contact with that person to be unwelcome and all conversation about said person to be undesired.

5. If you are an obsessive, creepy stalker who is clinging to an idea that an oath exists when the above conditions for an oath are not met- you are an obsessive creepy stalker with severe mental problems.

6. If you are creating “drama” by calling someone an “oathbreaker” where no true oath existed in the first place, expect to be called out publicly online and derided for being the obsessive creep that you are.

7. Your thoughts and actions should be for your own, immediate family first- if your priorities are not as such- you are in the wrong.

Congratulations.  You are now called out.  Now go take your overinflated ego and 24/7 “slave-wife” -in-a-collar as far away from my life as possible, you disgusting fuck.  I disagree with your morals, your lifestyle, and your lack of psychiatric treatment and this will never be reconciled into any form of friendship.

I am in full treatment for all of my conditions, mental and physical, and do not need any negative influence disrupting my course of therapies.

We have had this problem before, and the only reason I allowed you back in my life was I thought you being married would have cured you of your obsessions…

Obviously not.

Have a lovely day, and please go the fuck away or a restraining order will be issued.

I owe you nothing.

🙂

July for Loki!

Posted in About me on June 27, 2013 by Tyrienne

The following link should be pertinent to your interests 🙂

http://oneofamyriadfaces.wordpress.com/2013/06/27/july-for-loki/http://oneofamyriadfaces.wordpress.com/2013/06/27/july-for-loki/

Circling.

Posted in About me on June 24, 2013 by Tyrienne

22123  As marriage draws closer I keep turning to this blog as catharsis-  I am days without real sleep now, I am tired, irritable, angry, and feel like a wolf-mother building a den.   That sort of hostile predator-mammal instinct I never knew I possessed is rising in me-  I am hyper-vigilent against anything I perceive as a threat- emotional, spiritual, or otherwise.  Instead of making bows and wreaths and party favors, I have instead chosen to cull and thin the people I associate with.  I am protective and fearful- I am one of a pair of people who are about to make a commitment to share a life- not a fairy-princess in training for a fucking ball.  I am building a home, not creating a party.  I have rearranged our furniture and mended some things around the apartment.  I am testing the air for storms and trying to think of worst case scenarios.

Instead of expanding my horizons, being “open and accepting” I am locking down my borders with barbed wire- pacing my internal fences like a she-wolf- not a fox, nor a raven- but a large, protective canid who both fears humans and loathes them….unlike the opportunistic fox who will happily live beside humanity and feed off of the scraps, just as any crow.

I want a happy marriage,  from the beginning of our relationship the difficulties we have overcome have not been hard, but ludicrous.  First, a married woman making hundreds of advances a day via text messages while he lived in her home with her husband- next, a woman who was only interested in “men in relationships” suddenly taking a new-found interest in an abandoned friendship.  Followed by a “friend” who suddenly decided he was a guru and deserved bowed respect, and the cowards who followed him.  Then add in the liars, the criminals, and those playing dress-up who danced in and out of our lives so quickly.  We have been lied about, maligned, and even feared.

However,  My longterm friends and family have pretty much remained the same with some minor exceptions-  I lost one friend, likely to prison, and I lost another to an unplanned pregnancy with a drug-addled woman that seems to have completely isolated him from his old life.   I lost another friend to good old fashioned common-sense; a person I still remained “friends” with who could not even raise their own kid in favor of their dead-end career who would berate me for my choices and decisions- but could not face her own demons. Ed stepped in on that one and opened my eyes a bit.

Ed is used to a pack of people, so I have introduced him to my brother’s friends- and he is taking to them well and vice versa- they have many common interests.  We are seeking other spiritual paths to explore and embrace- Celtic shamanism, the dark graces, and order-through-chaos.

I am a loner who seeks people individually when I need them.  Of the two of us, I appear the more outgoing and sociable- when in reality, I am likely the most comfortable with the silence of partial solitude. He lost more than I did- for endless reasons- and for all the searching, we have concluded it was not my fault except that by my existence I expose flaws, contradictions, and lies.   I shoot straight because I have been lied to; and I will be kinder to a stranger than I will be to someone I know to be an adult child.

I have my worries about signs and portents from people- not from nature.  I am incredibly fearful of the callousness of most of my family and how it will affect our wedding day and our marriage- already, my father seems to be out of the picture- and that upsets me. But that was on account of who he married, not anything I did or did not do.  However, my friends see that situation more clearly than I do.  I worry about assholes who claim to be “Asatru” acting like the Westboro baptists of heathenry and making a scene.

I have realized that one who seeks to make everyone happy is either a liar, sociopath, a politician, or insecure.  I have trimmed my facebook down significantly, and I have cut down the people in our hall to people who truly participate and people I honestly feel are worth my time.  I do not want to be surrounded any longer by people who cannot achieve adulthood, I don’t want people who can’t make an effort to recognize and seek help for life’s problems.  I no longer want to help those who refuse to help themselves…. and yet, I still crave approval from my own family which I will never receive.  However, I can recognize my own hypocrisy.

I want a strong household, a strong marriage, and I want to not have any influence around us that can possibly effect our personal wyrd.  My door is not open, nor is my window-  and if you knock, I might not answer- nor do I have any obligation to unless I or him have invited you.

I may never be a mother, but I have my den- within these apartment walls is my family; I am no longer suffering fools- but I “look” like an asshole in the process.

If an asshole is someone who wants to make sure that I am surrounded by nothing but the best people, the best of family, and the safest home- then I am an asshole.

I am not going to play “princess” and I am not going to “party”- I want stability, fulfillment, and I want till death do we part- not “Until something better shows up” like seems to be the common theme.  I want/am in full partnership of equals, and a confidant- not some suit wearing monkey to compliment a fucking dress for a day that just so happens to be inhabited by a girl pretending to be a woman.

I am watching the weddings in my facebook feed- the preparations, and all the insanity-  our simple wedding is stress enough without all the “extras.”

I cut all those people out of my life.

I want oaths that are binding and that mean something deep and spiritually fulfilling.  I don’t want bags of candy monogrammed with initials, I want an oath carved in blood- that should anything happen- then all effort will be exerted to find equilibrium again.  I know relationships are changeable things, but I want the changes to be weathered instead of abandoned at the first hint of rain.

I see women fretting like silly little dogs over the weather of their wedding day when I would prefer a cooling thunderstorm on my wedding day that keeps away the ambivalent and those of malcontent than a sunny day full of false smiles and sweat.

I want a happy, long, and meaningful marriage- and I want the wedding over with so it feels like our lives can “officially” start.

I’ve never felt this guarded before.

Difficult Post: Things I cannot abide.

Posted in About me on June 23, 2013 by Tyrienne

Loki- By Spanielf of Deviantart. I own that belt he is wearing-nice Latvian weaving! Btw. I am tired of having my lips metaphorically sewn by “decorum”.

Ed mentioned I seem to go on the same tangents over and over again- I apologize; this post should be different if I am thinking clearly.  Basically over the course of the last several years my life has changed dramatically, better or worse- and I have learned a great deal.  In many ways, my eyes have been opened. In others, my trusted acceptance towards others has been shattered irreversibly.

So, with the wedding coming up- I am having unconventional issues that most people never have to concern themselves with.  For the wedding we have forgone a great deal of the pomp and circumstance- the flounces, the wine tastings, the endless stupid parties filled with giggling female friends I do not possess(my friends are primarily male).  We aren’t hiring a DJ, band, photographer, or wedding planner- we don’t have favors, cake tastings, costume fittings, nor are we shopping for caterers, florists, or horrendous things for our closest friends to wear as “attendants” to us.  We are not buying into the endless money pit, the consumerism, the stupidity, and the time-wasting annoyances.

We spent money where it counts, we bought his kilt/shirt ($150), I modified my own dress and shoes (under $50 including thread)- we bought flowers just for the bouquet and my hair- and we are both getting haircuts and we have a jeweler friend making custom rings based on an old Gaelic design.   My brother is making the cake, My fiance’s  family is providing food/utensils/plates/ what have you.  We rented a pavilion in a state park with a grill for under $100- and we asked our favorite Braucher and his friend to be our Clergy.  It’s a potluck/picnic open event so no one can get butt-hurt about not getting an invite=  show up or not, your decision.  We will be happy enough with good family, good friends, and good folk- whether the numbers be small or large.

But as the date grows nearer, I am NOT without stress-  my brother, sister-in-law and maternal grandmother have been especially helpful- as has Ed’s family as well as his  “second” family of his childhood friends- but for the most part we have asked for little if anything.  The rest of my family has been entirely absent without even lending even good wishes towards us.

Although my father seems to like my fiance- he seems to be on a ridiculously short leash and has just basically vanished-  my grandparents disowned me over a year ago for collecting SSD.  I went to college, got 2 degrees last year and did not attend my commencement nor have anyone in my family other than my brother and grandmother congratulate me.  I am concerned about my blood-family making an effort to ruin a beautiful day through ridicule, antagonism, and just plain petty meanness…fuck the community.

As far as the community goes- we have been surrounded by what I can best describe as extremes.  On one side- We are friends with countless good, honest people.  On the other, we have self-righteous idiots who cause their own problems; people who do things with their lives that honestly turn my stomach- they lie, they force others to submit to them, or they, themselves disown their own personal strength and respectability to enable bad actions to continue.  I realize their lives are not my life- but also, I see them as dangerous as some sort of contagion to my own life and have been cutting ties of my own.

– I will NEVER approve of slavery of one human to another, consensual or not, it’s a way of inflating the ego of the weak slave “owner” as well as allowing the slave to neglect personal responsibility.  I am disgusted.  Fighting for the right to keep a “slave” is NOT the same as LBGTQ asking for equal rights….it’s the denial of rights, idiots.  Consensual my ass- “Master made me do something bad.” is a cop out- and if it isn’t- it’s a criminal offense.  I have been in a student/apprentice sort of relationship and see the same issues with dedicating oneself to the service of any HUMAN.  Gods, sure- but humans?  Are you fucking kidding me?!  It’s a step backwards into time and history- why does every religious text on Earth talk about the goodness of releasing those in bondage? Furthermore-it is a poor thing to enslave another human being- creating an unhealthy relationship for not only the couple- but those who associate with them.  A good therapist and perhaps some self esteem on both parties can go a long way.  The enslave another while there are CHILDREN who are present is near criminal, so, it is best I absent myself from such individuals before I feel the Tyrian urge to call child services on people who obviously lack emotional competence and seem to have a skewed view of history.

-Infidelity-  I don’t care who you are and what you do- it IS a choice.  I would never wish this on myself, and with my upcoming marriage I don’t care if you single-handedly save a dozen children from fire- infidelity, even if it is emotional alone- is the direct choice of the situations you have permitted to exist in your life.  It didn’t “just happen”- you allowed it and no amount of other actions or accomplishments will allow me to see those who desire to cheat on their spouses as anything other than toxic.  You picked someone to spend your life with- if you no longer wish it- GET A DIVORCE, THEN PURSUE SOMEONE ELSE.  This has been a community problem I have seen since the beginning of our relationship surrounding us.

Then I see those who try to “Remedy” this with an “Open” relationship after the damage has been caused?  Really?  Okay, so that means you have one unethical person who “wants it all” and one pathetic person who is terrified of being left in the cold.   Seldom do I see that situation bring happiness and the one who did not wish the arrangement ends up weak and trampled.  Unless you met under the pretext of WISHING an open relationship equally on both sides, then one party is clearly taking advantage of the other and justifying what is little more than “open cheating”.

-Liars.  Jesus Christ on a mother fucking cracker-  Just because we refuse to dance to the out of tune ramblings of others does NOT mean that lying is suddenly “okay” by any standard.  This is why Asatru is becoming very quickly a joke in the eyes of many.  People have longer memories than one would suspect- and contradictions are noted and met with disgust, tiredness, and a desire to disassociate with anyone who knowing crafts falsehoods.  Why would anyone want to share Wyrd with you?

I am tired- I am not getting what I need- treatment wise, until my insurance changes.  My psychological self is suffering from lack of sleep and inadequate coping mechanisms.  I am tired of wondering or caring what things “look like” to people who have made no effort to respect me or my fiance- or people who would take up our time, our resources, and our hospitality as a means to continue to inflate their self-importance or use us as free therapists while disregarding our advice- where, on my end, I am unable to see the correct doctor who can actually help me work through myself for another few weeks, yet.

In the meantime:

Advice:  Take personal responsibility for your actions.   If you are sick, see a doctor.  If you are sick mentally and cannot afford a doctor, please seek either professionally trained clergy, a hotline, or hospitalization.   There are things in life that are out of one’s control- I understand that, then fucking make an effort to fix them.  I am not fixing people anymore, I have my own problems to fix.  I have a family who HATES me over the fact that I sought help when I could no longer handle my problems alone- and I have to worry about how much of a scene or how much/little regard they are going to have regarding my nuptials- where 5 years ago everything was “fine” because I was abiding by some unwritten set of rules of decorum that are no longer applicable to the modern world that seeking “help” is somehow shameful.

I have had to write “formal invitations” to people who have insulted me and hurt me deeply- Ed did not want me to do this, but part of me still wishes there could be amends made.  However, on the opposite side of the spectrum, there is a list of lunatics who I want caged that day- my mother at the top, who I have to do everything in my power to protect myself from lest I end up having to call the police and have yet MORE paperwork on my ever-increasing pile in the form of filing restraining orders.

So, I was told off by my fiancee last night that I “hurt” my brother by stating the only way I would want to see my mother is facing out of a coffin.   Honestly, there is no other appropriate feeling I can have towards the monster that intentionally harmed me physically and emotionally for years.  “A Child Called “IT”” was basically the story of my own life until I was 17.  My brother lives with survivors guilt, depression, as well as still tolerates her verbal abuse, then looks “hurt” when I want what amounts to a rabid animal dead?  There is a point at which a person ceases personhood-  it isn’t voluntarily given up as a “slave”- but rather when that “person’s” behavior becomes detrimental and causes deliberate, unprovoked harm to the majority of those they interact with.  Maybe I’m numbed a little in this one, tiny regard- but I can also be offended that someone can be “hurt” after witnessing 17 years of attempts on my life and extraordinary psychological abuse….and then also suffers on account of the continued existence of the same person?  Am I allowed to claim “hurt” that my brother can still care for someone who hurt me when I was young and innocent as well?  If so, why not?

I have been sociopath bait for most of my life- I would take a sociopath I can reason with rather than a schizophrenic who blames me for my own birth.  Bring back Maliheh and allow me to sink my intellectual teeth into his self loathing, bring back an ex who is stuck with an ugly girl less intelligent than I and so I may ask him how he enjoys his life of reality shows and shoe shopping.

Allow me to be unbound like Fenris- my lips unsewn, and allow ME to seek retaliation for unjustices I have been subjected to- but I know I will never face the opportunity, and if I do- my mental barriers will prevent me from claiming the retribution by tearing down the psyches of those who have sought to harm me for no good reason.   I have the words, but I am too Tyrian to use them as the sit behind my teeth- but should the opportunity present itself- I know my husband can and will say what I cannot if I am rendered voiceless.

So, how does one end up a Lokean after such things?  Because Loki is a sympathetic figure to those who have been victimized for their intelligence, victimized for being honest, as well as victimized by those who wish to create an “enemy” to distract from their own short comings.

My mother isn’t an “enemy”- she is a rabid dog who should have died years ago from her own neglect of her medical conditions, and yet- remains saved via modern medicine.  I fear her showing up at my wedding, and I have asked for every single person who knows her on site to have her forcibly removed if she appears- or else, the police will be called.

AS for “enemies” within the community? Don’t make me laugh.  I either disregard you entirely in the face of these greater problems and fears or you disgust me in the way that removing a leach after swimming in a lake disgusts me.   It’s worth avoiding swimming in the same lake again….should they show up at the wedding, I will be polite, but will not allow myself unaccompanied at any time and faced alone with such people.

Unlike many in the “community” I don’t judge others based on the color of their skin or the background of their ancestry- but rather by their deeds and what their actions have wrought- positive or negative.  I am done with racism, sexism, and the lies of “race” and claims of superiority based on nothing more than pigmentation and cultural differences.

I am done with negatives, and I agree entirely with my fiancee on withdrawing from what is basically a sinking ship= but I will say that I am not going to hole myself up here in this apartment.  There are other paths, other friends, and other new things to explore outside a bunch of people hailing Gods they have not researched nearly enough out of their own ignorance:

So, the man who holds a slave bound wants to hail the God who Himself was bound?   *slow clap*.  I always thought you were creepy after last year and I tolerated you for the sake of my fiancee-   Why not write another poem to Tyr who also despises slavery- or better yet, Write and ode to Freyr- the freer of Slaves himself and see how well your life goes.  You lost your job because you have become intolerable self important prick.  I am attacking you because you INSULT my Gods by calling on them leading your disgrace of a life.

My life is going just fine, except for the bitterness I cannot escape, the resentments, and the flashbacks I cannot control.  I cannot escape the feeling of tainted disgust on my person by interacting with oathbreakers, liars, and the self-important who speak pretty words with their mouths but with their actions create nothing but discord. I am going through Freyja’s Hall today and removing people from our online group.

If I removed a follower of this blog in error- just ask to be re-added and send me a message on facebook.  You can do so by copy and pasting my name on some other forum I have commented on to find my profile…or via my fiance’s profile.  Easy enough.

I will no longer suffer fools who cannot learn, those who called themselves “learned” who harm others, nor those who speak of the Virtues but have none.

My PTSD sometimes speaks more loudly and with better sense than any person.

Living With a “Broken” Heart- and Why I Think it’s Hilarious….

Posted in About me, Justice, On the Gods with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 21, 2013 by Tyrienne
Artist unknown- But It's Loki! With a Raven- in red stuff.  Think Neil Gaiman's "Desire" from "Sandman": Loki at the threshold of the heart, perhaps?  :)

But It’s Loki! With a Raven- in red stuff. Think Neil Gaiman’s “Desire” from “Sandman”: Loki at the threshold of the heart, perhaps?
🙂
Artist-“Loki transforming into falcon” by spanielf on deviantArt (here is a link to the illustration: http://www.deviantart.com/art/Loki-transforming-into-falcon-120901782).

So, a long time ago and far far away (according to my memories, anyway- I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday)…I was in and out of hospitals for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  This was actually a year or two ago-  I’m pretty open about it, I learned a great deal.

Firstly, I learned that the vast majority of “mental” patients are sensitive, intelligent people who are simply victims of extraordinary levels of abuse.  Then again, in “The Horsham Hotel”, as we called the clinic- they did their very best to put people with similar conditions in the same ward- honestly, out of meeting 40 people over the course of 9-12 days each time, I MIGHT have met 2-4 people who were legitimately insane in the way you would typically imagine…and out of those 4, as soon as 2 of them were medicated, they were NORMAL.  I learned that a schizophrenic on medication can out-clever almost any PhD student, and I would sit in awe of the intelligence of some of the people I met whose conditions were so much more socially stigmatized than my own- but, fuck-all if they weren’t brighter, more perceptive, and more “crippled” by living in a society where innate genius is suspect unless channeled into academic achievement or government service.

Anyway, before I get off topic too badly.  On a scale from 1 to pancake as far as “crazy” goes-  I average out somewhere on the “pancake” side of average…but I am pancake enough that I still have far to go, recovery-wise.  I try too hard, I write too much, I break the rules and read up on current events and get all guilty feeling and upset because I could have/should have/would have/ might have been someone who could have been a voice of reason in the well of Crazy they call American media: then subsequently,  I lose my mind on occasion, I forget where I am, I have flasbacks- the whole 9 yards- I’ve said this all before- yadda, yadda, yadda….

So, to the meat and bones of this post- over this time, the majority of my family disowned me- because PTSD was not considered “real” enough to them- despite the fact that most of these same people were there to witness first hand the initial abuse that started the chain reaction of events that lead to being put on SSD- started with physical child abuse and ended in a police interrogation where I was cuffed to a chair and interrogated for 5 hours while denied legal council…

Look, I just wanted to be a diplomat to Iran. (Don’t worry, I don’t anymore.  Hell, I hardly leave this apartment.)

You try and sit through a full police interrogation with PTSD already,  and see how sane you feel after that.

I believe the quote from my grandfather was to the tune of: “It would have been better if you did kill yourself instead of stealing OUR Social Security WE paid into- besides, it’s not a REAL disease like a Heart condition.”  When he so kindly called me when I was released from the hospital.

Well, I have some news!……drumroll please….

I have a heart condition!  (Also, I paid into Social Security just like every other American from 15 years old onward- and made decent money for most of my 20’s- that section of my family is wealthy and newly judgmental since moving into their retirement cult community of tea-partying psuedo-Libertarians)

Anyway, so- it’s Tachycardia-  It seems to have almost the exact same physical symptoms as a panic attack- which means I can not discern when I am truly “Panicked” or if it’s just my heart losing rhythm- they both amount to the same symptoms in the end.   I also have asthma, but that’s old news.  This will require surgery- I am ineligible for pills since most of my normal prescriptions are on the “sedative” side anyway- and my heart rate is still 110-150.  Without sedatives?  We don’t know- but they rejected my idea for me to go off my normal routine medications for a few days for fear of breaking 200 bpm at-rest.

I said “I think that sounds neat, actually.”
They were not amused.

They still won’t give me a straight answer on a scale from “Common cold” to “Deadly Cancer” as to what Tachycardia translates to- but they will not medicate me for it since my blood pressure is 80/60.  Because, really- they still don’t know.  They know it’s above “Common cold”, though with the blood pressure taken into consideration.

They said, if medicated, I would likely faint often-  I replied “I’m terrible at sleeping anyway- I don’t mind, really!”  Again, they were not amused.

I don’t feel a thing, I was diagnosed by a nurse at the local blood center I was donating my platelets to regularly. Without a dose of Valium immediately prior to entering the building, I would get kicked out 2/3 days in a row for my high pulse.  I joked about it.  I wanted them to put up a chart of records for everything I used to get kicked out for:  High heart rate, low blood pressure, low iron, high iron, etc.   Mostly, it was my heart rate.  I thought it was a giant joke, really.  My heart has been like this for YEARS.  I do not feel a damned thing.

The nurse didn’t think it was funny either which is why I got sent to the cardiologist.

Anyway, so I have never felt so utterly Lokian/Lokien as I do at this moment with this situation: I have a condition which I can’t feel distinctly from my typical daily madness… and the cherry on the icing is that it makes my family look like complete ASSHOLES (even more so than before.) AND they will have to face the masses of people who love me, who all know what they said to me and what I am going through.

Delicious.

In pulling my records- it is clear that the Tachycardia was present but undiagnosed for at least 5 years at minimum…and my heart on account of this is “larger” than it should be- this is apparently a problem too.

I’m not dying of this, but it could be PART of the fabric of my psyche that I just became so accustomed to I cannot discern it from anything else- from asthma attack to flashbacks-  It could be Tachycardia, It could be my lungs, or I could be crazy.

For everyone who hoped I ended up “broken hearted”-  Hah! Loki rules.

If you ever ask for Loki to make you a milkshake, be prepared to be put in a blender and covered with whipped cream, asshats.  Loki is not the God I personally go to for favors, for curses, etc.

For me, he’s the one I go to to say “Thank you” or more appropriately “Hey, check out this humorous insanity here…”

I figure there are more than enough people asking Him for the wrong things-  Thinking he is some Asatru version of Satan.  I imagine there is some cult kindred out there wearing upside-down Valknuts and chanting in backwards German to Loki, Sutr, and Hel- and making complete and total asses of themselves.

I look up to Loki, I abide by His example- and right now, I think I am handling this with the humour He would expect out of such a situation.   I have made my friends and  family aware of all the little gory details of this new development so even if they are incapable of feeling shame for their treatment of me- I know others will look on them with further disgust at their negligence and ignorance- which satisfies me.

And to anyone who “cursed me with a broken heart”, if they exist at all-  Way to fuck that one up! 🙂

So, I call a cardiologist- all total I have had 6 days in testing and all that has been concluded is mine is in no way connected to my mental condition whatsoever- and I still have 2 more weeks of testing to go; which they are graciously allowing me to wait until AFTER my wedding to complete, grudgingly.  The blood center called today too-  I am banned from returning without a doctor’s note giving me “permission” to donate again.

Most people they beg…me?  They need a permission slip.  Only a Lokian.

I’m sorry, but a heart monitor on a sling will NOT be my “something blue”…. and I promised I would try not to die. By the end of August, though- I should have an idea of what this all means, as in- “Will insurance cover the surgery now…or do I need to wait until I am of a certain age like my hysterectomy?”

I’ve been working on finding personal immortality, so far so good…. however, in typical shamanic process I have been slowly having parts of my body surgically removed since I was 19.  In the Dreamtime, they usually put crystals in there or something- last time I had something removed they gave me a pump full of penicillin- Cool, except I was allergic to Pennicilin and ended up on 3 months worth of burn-patient meds.

It was the best summer I can’t remember-  except to recall my military buddy fighting with a 19 year old over who got my excess tampons- he wanted them for bullet wounds….and I recall a lot of pills, trying to read “Dune” repeatedly, and writing a tripped out report on the movie “Gattica” for a class I only physically sat through two sessions of.  I got an A for the semester.  Great professor, Dr. Falla; I’m still sad I missed his lectures, but I have been to his church services where he is a pastor.

(Do you have any idea how hard it is to sit through a church service lead by one of your college professor…?  I wanted to raise my hand so badly and ask for clarification when he was using the scriptures of Paul… why not the gospels? Council of Nicaea approved texts?=bad news!  C’mon sir, you’re UCC!  I want to hear some Gnosticism! )

Speaking of religiousy things- The Wedding festivities are all of July-still…. and it’s open invitation to all who wish to come and bring food to the picnic on the 28th.  Plenty of time for the news of my “broken heart” to make the rounds, I’m sure.

We are excited to meet with our favorite Braucher on the 29th of June and his Universalist cohort to plan the ceremony itself. 🙂

Go team Jotun-born-  You guys did me a solid once again- there really isn’t anything bad to say about me at this point, except in that I might be just a TAD bit too smug that in the end, people have to eat the their own unjust words, or at least- guard their mouths more carefully for what they ask for might come true and turn the tables on them…

….and if I “need” anything, I ask Tyr.   Justice?  In a way that doesn’t bother me physically in any way but makes other people look foolish and exposes them as inconsiderate?  Sure, I’ll take it.

But again, what Lokian would not be this way?

🙂
(P.S. I have no idea why people spell it “Lokien” vs. “Lokian”; does anyone out there in cyberspace have an answer? Does it even matter?)

Of Tyr and Loki

Posted in On the Gods on June 18, 2013 by Tyrienne

…So, you want to speak of my patron Gods-
One,
Proud Son of Jotuns,
with dominion over Fire and Sky.
Who, with a single Word,
Thought,
or Action,
can bring All:
Man, Giant, or God
to self-shame
and tears of regret
with a dazzling intellect,
Vexer of the unjust,
and Bane to the self-righteous.

…or did did you wish to speak of Loki? 😉

(courtesy of thinking-in-poetry-in-the-shower-again:)

Hello Stalkers! :)

Posted in About me with tags on June 17, 2013 by Tyrienne

Just because one is paranoid does not mean people are not watching you…. Fun fact.

First of all, people don’t “get” me….because they lack the mental facilities to do so.  The ones who do “get” me, I’m actually friends with.

Hello random asshole in Sweden who reads my stuff-  Did you know that wordpress tracks which countries tune into my blog?  How is your midlife crisis going with the child you did not want and the life of lies you’re living?  Having fun dumping your kids off at your wife’s parents to relive your days when you could be an responsibility-less new ager and insulting my fiancee because he knows you have no skills to speak of other than autism and gullibility?

How many people know you are an abusive, balding fuckwad with a failed life, failed spirituality, no college degree and no friends except for a 20 something heroine addict?  *slow clap*  Yoga cures everything except for ignorance, male pattern baldness,  dyslexia, compulsive lying, and egotism.  Also, I never paid to sit at the feet of any “master”.  Real “Masters” don’t charge hundreds of dollars for the privilege.  Congratulations on being yet another American who bought into psuedo-spiritual bullshit.  Maybe if you had a college degree you might have learned about not being taken advantage of by false teachers if you took a class in anthropology, sociology, or psychology….

Speaking of terrible teachers: Hello random asshole who keeps coming up with Persian names and tries to befriend random other friends of mine who obviously accept every friend request- did you not know that I can see you created you account less than a week ago?   Remember that time you cried for 20 minutes because you realized I was smarter than you because you couldn’t understand an equation?  I never forgot it, and I cling to that memory like it’s a sapphire.

No matter how successful and cultured you appear to be, you KNOW there are at least 20 of your colleagues who know inside you’re “just a little girl on the inside.”  Freak.  It’s easy to be a misogynist when inside all you ever wanted was to be a lady!   The best part is the fear inside you feel knowing I could have sued the shit out of you- but chose not to….AND deleted all 400+ emails of our correspondences so I never had to look at your lies ever again.  Yes, apparently,  I am a “decent” person.  However, I learned cruelty from you.  Remember me during your next plastic surgery- no doubt you are still attempting to “fix” your face- It has been said by a real Sufi friend we both know that you were cursed with your ailment as a warning others about your duel nature, aka “being two-faced”.

BTW- you could save thousands just by an eyebrow waxing.  No one gave a shit about your squint- but the unibrow is epic.

…or you could just be that little girl acquaintance that thought that her opinion meant something to me; sorry sweetcheeks. I laughed when you got dumped publicly on facebook and the fake-British accent doesn’t make you any brighter.

Oh, wow- another Lokian/Lokien with pictures of Loki all over their facebook- account created less than a week ago and friends with no one I know….or friends with just random public Heathen figures.  Hi stalkers!  Welcome to my facebook which I use as a tumbler- and look at my journal which I post nothing I wouldn’t tell a random stranger.  Upset that I don’t mention you by name?  Upset that I don’t give a shit about your little clubhouse mentalities?  Sorry, I lost track after four of you.

Sorry, but I don’t buy into “white pride” when the Japanese and Chinese have outstripped European culture technologically since the get go.   Keep your little rumours and intrigues- you have nothing else except failed attempts at trying to be an authority.  Christ, even Silver Ravenwolf wrote books and has some notoriety, what have you done that has any lasting impact other than make a first impression you can’t back up?

Hi cult leaders, criminals, and former lovers.  Nope, not taking anything back.

Oh wow- and hello to the people who were in love with my former fiancee who created such epic lies that you got yourself either laughed out of a community….or now look like a disgusting anorexic grue in karmic retaliation.   How’s that unhappy relationship of yours, anyway?  Fun tip: Maybe if you ended the relationship you were in, then MAYBE you might have had a chance at starting a new one.  No one wants to be second fiddle you self-entitled fucksacks.

Yeah, so- I’m a panpolytheist- and I decided that limiting myself to one pantheon just isn’t me…. sorry folks.   Also, for the record- the sum total of my life does not exist in this blog.

Oh, and for the hell of it- hello abusive schizophrenic bitch.  Nope, still no interest in seeing you as a human being- because you aren’t.  My memories of you consists of staring at your rotting teeth, stench of blood and body odor covered liberally with Victoria Secret or “Eternity” cologne as you screamed nonsense at me and me kicking you repeatedly as you made several attempts on my life.

I don’t dance, but when you die, (and I hope it’s before me) I will dance on your grave- if anyone bothers to buy you one.   Most likely, you will be creamated, scattered somewhere, and I will be holding a party bigger than my goddamn wedding to celebrate your death.   Congratulations at failing at college, life, and parenthood.   May you be reincarnated as a cloud of gnats or a stray dog outside of restaurant in rural China.

As for the tea-partying elderly crowd:  Keep trying to reach for validity- your lives were “made” by nothing but luck, and you know it.

As for “family” who I did not friend on facebook who may be reading this: Wow.  You are assholes.  I guess you want me to feel bad I have some happiness in my life as your lives crumble.  Oops.  My bad.  I don’t like you either.

Did this post just piss you off?  Then congratulations, stalker- you have just been called out.   Guess what? I also don’t care enough about you to read your stuff in return.  Isn’t it frustrating to know that you are wasting time on me when I really could care less if you exist individually but yet know who most of you are?

BTW- the reason we are having a Pennsylvania Dutch Wedding?  Because BOTH of us are Pennsylvania Dutch and both are decedents of known brauchers… are YOU?  My ancestors are the Hildebrandts… Outside of the Pa Dutch, I’m Vanic Lettish and my fiancee is a descendant of Hans Christian Anderson, THE man who single-handedly preserved much of our old “European Heritage” of oral traditions into popular children’s stories.

It’s fun when the racists out there can’t even figure out who has a “pedigree” and who does not…. and yet, we aren’t racist like some of you Heinz 57 idiots.  Intellectual elitists, sure…. but damn, just try and insult our distant backgrounds and see how far it gets you- Hitler actually saved the Latvian half of my family, some of you would have been in the ovens for your genetics no matter how loudly you say “Seig Heil!”…  Keep on reaching for that non-existent “white unicorn”- you Nazitru fucks 🙂

My grandfather was in the SS and I will openly share a horn on camera with a Mexican, African, or any other non-European  before I would share it with another “White pride” idiot.  Race does not exist-and all of us came from Africa if you go back far enough- unless you are clearly trying to claim pure Neanderthal lineage.

…In that case, more power to you.  I will be happy to call you Neanderthals, it’s a fitting for your outdated and primitive intellects and group-think idealogies.  Find yourselves a nice cave to wall up in for the non-existent race war you want to incite- and smear Obama’s name in shit on the walls for all I care.  Find yourself a pair of cow horns, wear them as a hat, and then play “viking”.  Let me know how your raid on Denmark goes after you attack with your fleet of rusted canoes and plastic kayaks.

To bitch our choice of wedding ritual is like saying it’s awful for a Russian couple to have a Russian Orthodox wedding, or to complain for Jewish people to sing “Hava Nigila” at their own weddings.

The only reason I am posting this is because I find it FASCINATING that my fiancee and  I are are such a topic of conversation.

Have a nice life….or don’t… because I don’t follow you…but Ed did until this weekend. 🙂