Bugger off.

People paint pictures, daily, whether they know it or not of every person they interact with in life-  this might be an overcomplicated way of saying “People assume stuff without factual proof”- but I was feeling poetic.   One thing that is driving me absolutely up a wall is the idea of Heathen monotheism.  This blog is literally http://www.hailloki.wordpress.com, HOWEVER-  I have NEVER stated I EXCLUSIVELY worship Loki.  Do I love/respect/care/admire/listen to Him?  Absofuckinglutely…but I belong to others as well.

Standard Lokian misconceptions:   I am not polyamorous.  I don’t particularly care if you are- but I’m not, I’m 31 years old and entirely uninterested in any other human but my chosen partner.  I do not like chaos, but I thrive in change better than stagnation and I am easily bored.  I am never dishonest…although several people accuse me of being so.

I do not abide by any subjugation of one human to any other, nor do I condone the “giving up of one’s will” to another human being- to a God/Gods…perfectly fine.  But in my mind, “consensual slavery” outside of a bedroom is utterly depraved and shows both extraordinary mental illness/delusion of the one party as well as mental illness/lack of being able to take responsibility of the “enslaved” party.

Loki may get along and abide by everyone- he can be very Laisez faire- however, I am not Loki, nor do I try to be.  He is a God-  I am mortal, and I am guided by others who influence my opinions in my life very strongly.

I don’t buy much for myself- my life can easily fit in my car (sans books), I see the hoarding of possessions as a human sickness since I was raised by hoarders.  The purchases I make for extemporaneous items are usually meant for altars….and I have been known at times of extreme duress to sacrifice altars with hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise to a lake in exchange for freedom from suffering.  Other things are consumables with multiple uses; perfume to anoint myself or others- temporary cosmetic products, food, even clothing- clothing I go through twice a year and donate at least one large bag per solstice to the less fortunate.

I was raised by the affluent, so I have learned to despise money-  I do not take pride in a savings account; I do not trust our currency and if I find someone with legitimate need, stranger or friend, I will gladly give what I have to who needs it more.  I have paid for groceries of complete strangers and covered people in line at stores who came up short when I had little myself.   I would rather live cheque to cheque-  I have my debts to pay, and the future is never certain.   Should I come into money- quickly, I share my wealth with my partner, sibling, and friends- so I will be remembered should I run into trouble again.

Am I chaos?  No.  However, I have that reputation because I will tell you my opinion if you ask me…or if I see injustice and in both cases my words often sting.   I am not the person for you to go to for comfort if you are suffering and refuse to seek help.  I AM the person to go to if you are suffering and have exhausted all other options.  If you do not take my advice and ask for more- I may deny you.

I am excellent in a crisis; I am not excellent with “first world problems”.  I will tell you to turn off your cell phone if you are facing me at the dinner table, I will not answer my phone or my doorbell if I do not feel the need for company unless you are my spouse, brother, or sister-in-law.  I do not like being “dropped in on” unexpectedly and although I am a public figure and very open about my issues- I still strive to live a private life where I am not bombarded by inanity or with the expectations to conform to the satisfaction of others.

I have kept the vast majority of friends I have made from middle school onward; but I have found that the American Asatru/Heathen community to be full of nothing but misguided Dungeons and Dragons players who pretend to be vikings in their free time and concoct middle-schoolish dramas of who-is-talking-to-whom and whisper down the lane….and frankly, I am tired of it.   I consider myself part of the greater Pagan community, and I have learned I could care less about Asatru.

I was raised Heathen.  For all I know, I might be one of less than ten people of European descent I know who was born into a heriatage and traditions that were not created this century, but rather are part of an almost extinct ethnic group that will likely be gone to history after my generation (Lettish).  The other side of my family consisted of Braucheri and Swiss Hexeri.   I guess it explains why so many friends of mine are Native American.

Why did I even care what some former Christians-come-born-again heathens think of me and my practices?   I was also educated from the age of 12 by the preiminant psychic in my region (Rose Moyer) as well as trained by a Navajo/Mongolian shaman in Tahlequah, Oklahoma- who was sincerely the creepiest mofo I have ever met in my life.  I have befriended voodoun clergy and have been taught ingenious ways of protecting myself,  I was also confirmed Lutheran and can likely out-Bible most biblical scholars.

I also have two bachelors degrees World religions and Philosophy- I graduated cum laude- and YES, it does mean something to me.   I was apprenticed as a Sufi and understand enough about Islam to know the way it is portrayed in this country is deplorable and the way it is suddenly practiced by extremists in other countries to be down right heretical.   Where is the Islam that invented calculus, sent diplomats to the entirety of Asia, Africa, and Europe to document foriegn traditions and customs, and where is the hospitality?

Gone.

Where is Heathen hospitality?  Also, close to non-existent as people form tiny little pockets of wanna-be “Vikings” or “beserkers” and complety erasing the likely thousands of years of peaceful farming and serfdom from which they are much more likely descended.  The Latvians have hundreds of gods/spirits for plants, and yet, not a one who represents war. … not true for my Germanic heritage,   but I come from and honor both.

Also, how can we claim to honor our ancestors when we cannot even honor our families?  Most of you reading this are from broken homes, and unless you created peace in your adulthood with your own children- there are likely people who you are estranged from in your own families who either do not honor you nor you them.  How is it possible to believe that the Ancestors are Wise and Benevolent when our blood relations are ignorant and petty?

From what magical asshole did we pull out this load of bullshit….?  Or, is it that before television, radio, internet, and Encyclopedia Britanica did we have better families than we do now?  Or, was it more likely century upon century of physical/emotional/ and possibly sexual abuse?   This crap isn’t new to this century- only NOW it’s considered a problem.

What do I have to tell you about our Gods?  I can tell you that our stories about them reflect ourselves more likely than their natures.   The intelligent are punished and scapegoated- the ones who are seen as the most “powerful” are flocked to, and the perceived “weak” are closeted to the back of our mind and our bookshelves….why?  Because Asatru is an invented tradition as much as Wicca.

Yes.  There. I said it.  Odin himself did not come down from Asgard and give us “Asatru”.  People invented it from snippets of stories and oral traditions where real, honest Heathen families have persisted and existed for centuries persecuted and hid behind the Lutheran church and kept their real beliefs locked tight within their families- and many still do.

My grandmother is a fan of Janis- also known as Freyr.  His name is “Janis” because when the Christians invaded they realized the only way they could keep their God was to name him after St. John….and yet, even in Latvia, his symbol is an erect phallus still DESPITE the Christianization.

I am beginning to hate facebook.  I am beginning to DESPISE scholars who argue picayune psuedofacts as both their lives go to shit and they miss the big picture:  That every single person’s idea of religion and spirituality creates a unique perspective and there is NO ONE RIGHT TRANSLATION.

Your Masters/PhD= effectively advanced plagiarism of other scholars.  Hell, that’s what most BA’s are.  “Cite your sources”- and yet “Living life” is not considered valid enough to count.  Does not one other person take issue with this?

Your religion is what you live every single day, it’s how you interact or not interact with the world around you- it’s the words you speak, the food you cook, the habits and vices that control you, who you worship and even how you take a dump.   Your life and your religion is every single day of your goddamned lives.  It’s not just in magical moments or when you say some “magic words” holding a hammer, stine, horn, or candle.

Covens and Kindreds do not work because eventually, in Real Life, ideally, people leave the home, find a spouse, and create their own families.  Some friends and family stay in your life, others leave…. there is no formal service to “bind” those that stay together- in fact- it can be absolutely detrimental to all involved when one’s life path may take them to other parts of the world or open them to ideas that the rest of the group is not cool with.   Freedom of motion- people come, people go, some return, some die, some fall, some soar, and some disappear entirely.  There are people who you care for who do not care for you, there are people who think they care for you that truly do not know you and you do not care for.

Such is life.

Most families are dysfunctional- dysfunctional people who do not own their dysfunction seek other dysfunctional people.

People who receive treatment, therefore, are oftentimes seen as a negative catalyst- for it makes the entire scene uncomfortable and raises questions.

Lokians:  What are we?  People who understand the alienation of intelligence, the always learning, always growing, those whose opinions can shift with evidence.   We are not remotely the same in origin, obligations, intellect, nor motivations.

Most of us have other Gods-  I have Tyr and I have Freyr.  I have met the Morrigan, been comforted by Eir, been commanded to “Stand down” by Odin and also been the sole witness for oaths in his name, and I have been coddled by Inari.   I have been welcomed by Allah, I have found refuge in Jesus, I have seen Anubis as a jackel and Cernunnos as a man whose feet I warmed in a dream where I was a small, orange fox. I have danced with Hanuman and Ganesha. I have embraced Kuan Yin, and had intimate conversations with Inanna.  I have sculpted the image of Pele.  Kali kept me from destroying a transgender who almost-but not quite- destroyed me.  I have served as a messenger service to Freyja, and I have learned that Hel is direct, but sweet. I have prayed to Bast for the safety and comfort of my cats.  I’ve prayed to a nameless Goddess in an icestorm before my sportscar was hit by a tractor trailer in my early 20’s and I walked away from a foamed-down vehicle with nothing more than whiplash.

I went to Spain to find the Muslim God and found Him waiting in Morocco to tell me that He does not live in any Mosque or altar, no matter how grand- and I see Him as an ocean, where I see those of other pantheons as men and women…and occasionally animals.

Do I care if you believe me?  No.
Do I care if you agree with me?  No.
Am I crazy?  Well, I collect SSD.  Make your own determination there- however, my diagnosis is PTSD (complex), Anxiety, and Depression with both labels of abuse survivor and survivor of torture.

What do I care about?  I care about my household, my fiancee, my biological brother and his wife,  my long-term close friends of all faiths and creeds- some of which I have known for over 18 years.  Some of whom, I have only known 12 via a now defunct think tank online.

I care about most of my ex-lovers and wish them happiness- and I am friends with most of them.

I do not see my personal beliefs as up for debate since they are mine and mine alone-  if others share my point of view or do not share my point of view it does not add or subtract from my experience….and that was my decision to make.

Today I am angry,  most days when I post I am either inspired by anger, inspired by blessings, or asked to write on a topic by a peer who wishes to see my take on things.

Today I am angry because my father places higher value on his second marriage family then he does his blood children.
Today I am angry because a creepy mother fucker who believes in keeping slaves believes me to not disgusted by his lifestyle.
Today I am angry because that same person wants to write about our “estrangement” last year which was caused by him basically stalking me and defaming me to the community.
Today I am angry because I have been unable to secure a place for my wedding and I have watched promises fall through…so now I can’t trust.
Today I am angry at my fiancee’s former best friend who USED him for free martial arts lessons while stealing his money, for all the effort I put into attempting to befriend the man who turned out to be a pretentious, conceited reptile who demanded I treat him as a guru because he “sat at the feet” of the “greatest people”.  No human being is great, you fucking asshat.

Today I am angry because I lost my paternal grandparents not to death, but to the tea party- who would not visit me in the hospital and despise me for an illness I did not bring on myself when I used to have a close relationship with them.
Today I am angry because I was diagnosed with a heart condition last week I have had evidence of for years- and I am being given emergency tests for the next several weeks as if I am in a life or death crisis.  My pulse is 110-150, my blood pressure 90-110/70 ALWAYS.
Today I am angry that my mother still lives, breathes, and carries on a life outside of a prison cell- she was an abusive, paranoid schizophrenic who beat and verbally abused me for 17 years.  I personally know a man in prison right now who worked 80 hour weeks and couldn’t make child support.  He is not free, but my mother is.
Today, I am angry at the world, the universe, and the man who knocked and then OPENED my door on Friday night when I did not come to answer it.  I do not care who he is, I do not know- but my cats could have escaped and gotten hurt.  If I do not answer my door- I do not wish company.  If I do not answer my phone, I do not wish to speak.
Today I am angry I cannot get the treatment I need because I am not a veteran, and my therapist is incompetent on my condition.  It will be several months until I can see one who CAN treat me.

So.  Bugger off.  The friends who know and love me will know I love them in return.  For the rest,  leave me the Fuck alone and keep me out of your fantasy realms, please.

Advertisements

One Response to “Bugger off.”

  1. I woke up this morning and had to put in one tiny edit….one of less than 10 people my age I know of EUROPEAN descent. A lot of my friends over the years have been Native American of some form or another, or Irish- both cultures kept pretty true to their roots…as have many from the Caribbean to the best of their ancestors’ ability.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: