On Disgrace

A wolf and his God…. (artist unknown)

Disgrace-  two words  “Dis” indicating the negative, and “grace”- that which is benevolent and flowing.  To dis-grace is to go against the benevolent, the flowing, the beautiful if you want to be poetic.

I love reading the posts of my Lokian mystic compatriot Myriad in Germany- her words always always serve as an excellent kick start for what I wish to say allowing me to organize my thought processes a little more coherently to share with the public at large.

Yesterday, I lit candles for both Loki and Odin, only to extinguish them minutes later…. I was angry, I realized-  I was having flashbacks again… a domino effect of every terrible moment experienced in the last several years- the loss of my grandparents as they called me a “disgrace” for committing myself for  psychiatric help, the love letters from a professor that were used to manipulate me for months, being the dirty secret of my ex-fiancee after he found out his ex was pregnant with his child, intentionally, knowing they were breaking up.  The people who betrayed my fiancee and blamed me for their own selfish intentions.   Then, add in entire communities worth of people- like small packs of wild dogs who tear at me and my reputation- to the point where I have learned that reputation cannot be such an important thing since it is fragile enough for any liar to create any story to smash it like a snowflake made of thin glass.

I searched my old email address yesterday for over 400 letters that were exchanged between myself and a man writing under an alias- I gave up, I was going to forward them to a friend of mine to “clear my name” with his father who ran the department in my old college….only to find that apparently during another episode of flashbacks I had deleted them all well over a month ago.   Copies still exist-my psychologist has some, the guidance office, the deans, as well as the last letters posted publicly in my old journal as a “cease and desist” when I desired no further communication.

But then, what purpose would it serve?  Clearing my name is great, but at what price?   I am strong enough to recognize sickness in others- and I realized I don’t have the strength (or weakness) for vengeance.   My friend made it through his last year of college without coming to harm, and our friendship is still intact despite what his father thinks.  Isn’t that enough?

I found myself in an argument two days ago with a friend of mine I see as vastly more intelligent than I am- however- his only flaw lies in his absolute disgust with any of the LBGTQ movement.   When I was a child, I wished to be a boy- I dressed up in my superhero pajamas’s and tried to make a zipline from my “rainbow brite” canopy bed to my high bookshelf- I refused dresses, I wasn’t nurturing, I wanted to jump from the top of the playground equipment and roar like a wildcat chasing, and outrunning others- wanting to be the best boy who was not a boy….to the point of arguing with the gym teacher to teach me to throw a spiral football rather than learn field hockey.  Back in the day, that was considered “disgraceful”- and I was put into therapy where they attempted to force me to play with dolls, fix my hair with lace barrettes, and other female-approved activities.

I indicated to my friend that the dissolution of gender roles has been one of the few boons I have experienced in life; thinking as a child I would have to get massive surgeries to change my gender as I got older- only to reach my 30’s and realize that I am perfectly fine expressing my natural personality in a female body without the fear of repercussions that existed even through the 1980’s of what defines male vs. female.  I learned in Anthropology classes in my late teenage years that what is expected of gender roles changes from culture to culture, decade to decade.  In my late 20’s, I learned that if I were born in Iran- gender reassignment surgery would have been free- rendering the argument my one professor posed against me moot.  “You would survive five minutes if you were born in Iran.”  No, I would have thrived- I would have taken Ahmadinejad’s  offer at the age of consent and RAN with it….and would be living as a man by 21- uncovered, free, and likely on my way to the life of either a mystic or a scholar.

So, what is disgrace?  Going against what is commonly considered “acceptable”- here, I have never NOT been in disgrace by some person, group, or family member no matter how I look at it- which is likely why Loki turned out to be one of my most steadfast of influences on me today.  Eventually, one becomes immune to the vast majority of the opinions of others- I did years ago, barring the opinions of those who are very closest to me.  I keep consistent friendships that last for decades….and for every person who disparages me, there seem to be at least one or two people who respect me, or at very least, find my writings insightful.

The hardest truth I am learning to come to terms with is that one who is prone to telling lies can say ANYTHING.   My mother was an atrocious human being to the point of which I cut off all contact with her nearly a decade ago- and the one thing that stands out most in my abusive childhood is the constant, unrelenting screaming of being called a “liar”- by a schizophrenic who would punish me until I told her what she believed was “truth”…. basically meaning I would have to lie to avoid further punishments.  That altered me so fundamentally that in my adult years I have become transparent.   If I have skeletons in my closet- the closet has an open door and they party in my living room.

I am a disgrace-  But I am an honest one.

I can tell you I slept with my ex-fiancee the day before I “officially” broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 6 years….despite the fact that I told the man I was going to Canada specifically to explore that relationship possibility and that our relationship had already fallen into abusive ruin.  Does that make me “officially” a cheater despite the fact that I told the man I was with our relationship was not working to the point of misery months before I left and that I was going to Canada EXPRESSLY to explore if I was in love with someone else?

I can tell you I outright LIED to save the reputation of the faculty member I mentioned above for the first two years of knowing him….people would ask me where he was, why things weren’t turned in on time, and what he was doing and I played dumb.  I did this because I was told to protect him.  I learned later that in such “protection” I likely harmed the man by enabling the self depreciating behaviors and lack of spirituality on his part that lead to the demise of our working relationship and friendship.  I predicted my youngest friend would be the next person to become his “confidant”-and he did- but to my immense relief, not anywhere close to the sick, twisted interactions I had with the that professor.

He was the only person I would lie for- and I learned again that lying gets me nowhere….  what would have happened if I had allowed him to be held accountable for his actions his first year of employment?  I overheard everything others said about him, and dutifully reported all that was said back to him- he might not have lasted his first year; he was unreliable, unpredictable, and uninvolved.  I was told to “protect” him, and I did, I saved his life once….but I was NEVER told to sacrifice my own morality and sense of honor and honesty on his behalf-which is my regret.

Now, for what?  A year without breath as I worried myself sick for my young friend who I feared would become a new target… I was right and I was wrong.  My friend was not harmed, to my immense relief;   Just a simple, intelligent, and  insecure young man feeding an older, intelligent, insecure man admiration for his thoughts-nothing more; and to his credit- I was not even brought up in conversation or gaslit as I thought I would be.

There is a difference between sickness and sociopathy…. and I derived a small comfort that both these people, one of which I still care about profoundly and the other I used to care for as well found mutual support without any of the apparent disease associated when I was in a similar position.

However, I have also learned that in speaking truth, there is consequences; especially regarding the actions of others.  There are times where I feel morally responsible to bring wrong-doing to light- and in each instance it causes extraordinary discomfort for the parties involved- leading to, most cases, lies on their end to try and recover that elephant in the room.   I told an open hall outright that the local AFA leader asked my fiancee to “represent” the organization by telling him which Gods he may or may not hail.   I told the kinsbrother of a situation of oathbreaking  in his own kindred involving three members- after several months of allowing them the chance to do so themselves.   Why did I do the latter?  Because I was drunk and it actually mentally hurt to keep it a secret when it affected the wyrd of her group so profoundly since I could put myself in my friends’ shoes….knowing I would want to know if I were him.

It has lead me to pull away from the community at large and simply focus on Freyja’s Hall exclusively and on my writing.

If you want to call me a disgrace, here is the ammunition you need:

– I am mentally ill with C-PTSD which causes daily, insufferable flashbacks.
– I am collecting disability
– I am non-cisgender- the more I dress like a “lady” the more I feel like Mrs. Doubtfire-  Every day is Halloween to me- the more feminine the outfit- the more drag I feel.
– I support our troops with all my heart, but do not condone most of the actions of my government.  I fear my government.
-I had my license suspended for two months (currently) because I had a flat tire- was interrogated for 5 hours, and my blood test revealed that my “standard” dose of anti-anxiety medications is several times higher than what is considered normal.
-I have committed myself to psychiatric hospitals three times- I do not regret it.
-I have had at least 3 unsuccessful suicide attempts (likely more, but the memory is hazy)- including being pulled off a bridge in Saskatoon… each time was because I was harmed unfairly by another so badly I felt I was too flawed to continue existing.
– I worship Allah and have several Islamic tattoos (which is heresy, btw)
– I believe that Islam has been hijacked in the name of violence in the same way Christianity was for the crusades and inquisition.  Neither of which are real religions anymore.
– I don’t follow ANY religion anymore- I am not Asatru, and I am not Muslim. I have learned that religions are simply a way of creating packs of wild dogs who bark and fight with one another; Instead- I walk my own path- which is a combination of shamanism, sufism, panpaganism, and heathenry.
-However, I also understand there are beings more powerful than I and less powerful than He- meaning I also adore Loki, Tyr, Odin, Inari, Inanna, Hanuman, and others who have come to me in my dreams and meditations as teachers, guides, leaders, and friends…and I have even more tattoos indicating this.
-I want our government to cease all violent overseas activity.
-I want our currency to be backed by a metal standard.
-I believe forming exclusive “survivalist” groups is hysterical; you are making yourselves into human targets and/or scapegoats for future atrocities.
-I no longer vote- since I realized my vote means nothing and that both parties are owned by the same corporations.
-I believe whole-heartedly in marijuana as a viable painkiller/anti anxiety drug (though I do not smoke currently for fear of my government, despite the fact that it helped me immensely with my symptoms when I did.)
-I believe in premarital sex and the right to have an abortion and all humans the right to choose to be voluntarily sterilized. ( I have a hysterectomy, much of my gender issues resolved themselves after I stopped having periods.)
-I do not endorse or support the enslavement, subjugation, or servitude of any human to any other human- including sexually, academically, or spiritually. (To serve the Gods are a different matter entirely.)
–If you willingly allow yourself to come to harm by your own recognizance or be subjugated by another- you are weak and to be pitied; I feel compassion for you, but I do not condone your choices.
– I look at the world today and consider anyone who works for another human being as an indentured wage slave….regardless of how nice the compensation is.  Back in the old South, House Slaves were given better treatment than field slaves… however, neither were free.
-If I ran the world, it would be a limited geniocracy- like ancient Athens but lacking the gender discrimination… however, with the exclusion of those who exhibit sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies.  Alternatively, a society ruled by the kind and courageous.
– I do not believe gender is anymore important in today’s society than eye color. We already have too many people.
-I believe in kindness towards everyone until they have taken explicit action to directly harm you.
– I believe you cannot be harmed by any “bad magic” if you are truly innocent.
– I feel no guilt in directing negative intention to those who have intentionally harmed me, and I derive pleasure at their suffering. – – -Schadenfreude is my favorite word in German.
– I believe the universe is fair, but humans are not…. the Gods do not make our lives shitty, people do.
– I do not believe money is a “good” thing, I do not believe seeking riches is an admirable goal- I would rather be poor and kind than rich and selfish.
– If I have the money, I will give it to those who need it more than myself…. to my detriment.
– I feel if a person is wealthy and does not give most of their wealth to charity then they are poor in ethics and spirituality.
(My grandparents would literally give me hundreds of dollars when I was already wealthy- but disowned me when I was poor and sick.  This made me realize that they are not good people….they would also kill neighborhood cats and dogs that “annoyed” them)
– There is no such thing as a Good person who “dislikes” and/or is avoided by animals.
– I do not believe in race….but every culture has it’s own special brand of asshole.
– I understand that the “Aryan Race” is bullshit-  “Aryan” is a cognate of “Iran” and “Caucasian” comes from the Caucus mountains in Iran and Turkey.  Every person I see promoting Aryan/Caucasian “pride” I judge you as poorly researched, bigotted, and stupid.
-Latvia was NEVER fully Christianized, considering that my own grandmother sees Jesus as just one of many options out there.
-I believe killing a fetus is better than abusing a child….100% of the time.  Abortions should be free, easily accessible, and not stigmatized. I have taken several women to get abortions and I have never regretted it.  On the same token-  on the third abortion after age 18, it is indicative of poor enough decision making skills that the right to parenthood should be taken away via mandatory sterilization.
-If abortion is “wrong” because it “messes with the plans of the God(s)-” then fertility treatments are equally reprehensible.  God(s) obviously deemed you as unworthy of being parents.  Deal with it and become a foster parent.  Your genes are too flawed to be passed down.
– If you do not take care of your own children, protect them, love them, and give them the majority of your time when they are young and helpless, you are a terrible human being.
-If you have EVER knowingly harmed a child, an animal, or an innocent person- you deserve any and all suffering you experience.
– I cannot love my own mother and cannot even see her as human; after 17 years of profound abuse and neglect I view her as a rabid animal nothing more and she takes up little of my mind-space.
-Theft of someone’s livelihood is reprehensible.

-Yes,  I judge you for the decisions and actions you take in life….as I know I am also judged by those around me.   It doesn’t change much except in cases where active harm is being committed against the unwilling.

This is who I am.  This is what I believe.  Loki is a scapegoat, as is Lilith, Lucifer, Satan, Prometheus, Jinns/Djinns, demons, satanists,  or any other supernatural “bad person” you can think of, or simply people who you are supposed to “demonize” for having opposing values-  this is societies way of instilling values of what is not acceptable.  Currently, in the Asatru movement to renounce Loki, it indicates a lack of value in honesty, intelligence, diplomacy, and humor.  Too many Asatru have no sense of humor….except in racist jokes.   I like all jokes, really- even really filthy, dirty, inappropriate, racist, sexist ones.  I do not discriminate- but when the only thing that makes you laugh is a joke about a minority, you should reevaluate your priorities.  Also, stop calling yourselves “white” unless you are naturally albino.  Peach, light tan, oak colored, or beige is accurate.   White and Black make no sense unless you are literally those colors… your world view is flawed if you think otherwise.

Christians in despising Satan/Lucifer/The devil indicate they do not stand with rebellion, education (the snake in the garden who did not lie), or personal responsibility.   Please make up your minds if you are “children of God” or his slaves.   A child does not get on their knees in front of a parent unless the parent is extraordinarily abusive.  If you are “in bondage to sin” and have been since birth, why are you supposed to love the one who judges you?  It was my own mother who called me “evil” from a young age- does that make her a good parent?

Muslims-There is no other text but the Quran, and it was written over a thousand years ago-  first of all, stop reading the Hadithe materials, second, read the book yourself WITHOUT ADDED ACCENT MARKS ON THE ARABIC.  Then understand that as society grows and changes, so too, does the interpretation of the book-  it was written intentionally to be vague and for each person to read it personally and draw their own conclusions based on what is holy and what is simply historical within the text.  I doubt Mohammad recited the parts of the Quran that speak about his own actions- why would that make any sense?!

For those who believe there is an “Enemy” out there- there is, it’s called “ignorance” and the only remedy is thought, research, and conversation…  If you follow the words/beliefs/laws of another without even a single question as to the morality of said things you are not living a life, but following a crowd.

The most courageous people in our history have often been killed; Martin Luther King Jr. removed burning crosses from his lawn, John Lennon was shot, Kurt Cobain who spoke out against the record industry killed himself (questionably).

Our comedians speak more truth than our politicians:  the late George Carlin, Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, Robin Williams, Eddie Izzard, Margaret Cho, and so many others.

The best people our world has ever known, many do not know how good they were:
Fred Rodgers- spoke actively to congress on several occasions protecting the rights of children, education, and public broadcasting
Jim Varney- better known as “Ernest” from the Ernest movies spent most of his time and money visiting sick children.
Nikola Tesla- wanted to give the entire world FREE electricity; died penniless
Cyrus the Great of Persia – wrote the very FIRST codex on human rights, and allowed free practice of all customs and religions under his rule.
Dr. Jonas Salk- Invented one of the first Polio vaccines and refused to patent it…for the good of the people

…and so many others.

But, in all of this rambling, what comes out is what is it to be a “disgrace” but to be an outcast, abnormal, and unaccepted?  Does disgrace go against honor?  And can an honorable action for one person be considered dishonorable for another…well, obviously- yes.

I would like a world with a little less closet space, a lot more honesty, kindness, and a great deal less war.  In every video game I play- I notice that the objective to “kill” literally hundreds of depicted human beings doesn’t even give one thought to pause-  and yet, sex is still considered taboo.

Gods willing, people will have more sex than war in their lives… but sometimes, it seems that people are being trained for a thirst for blood, a clear “enemy” and someone/someones to demonize and terrorize as they see fit.  This, my friends, is dishonorable.   To disagree is fine- to abuse, degrade, lie about, and gain friends over a common “enemy” is dishonorable.

I have been through a lot, but I ultimately came to the conclusion I cannot blame the Gods for my bad experiences- but I can thank them for helping me get through them….and ultimately, I can thank them for their acceptance and protection of me- with the understanding that in exchange, I will do my best to be the most honest and caring person I can be… and the candles were re-lit today with my apologies.

A quote to sum this all up:

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” -Winston Churchill 

I find it no coincidence that Prometheus, Tyr, and Loki are all Gods of both fire and sky… all of which sacrificed, all of which brought much more good to mankind than evil- and all three of which have been punished accordingly for their audacity.

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10 Responses to “On Disgrace”

  1. I agree completely, I’m crying as I read this. You sum it up so well, I raise a horn to you, and to the Gods who are maligned as you described. Hail Loki!

  2. Hail to you and to our Gods as well

  3. Very well put. Honour is, for me , paramount, anyone can disgrace me how they need to, but my Honour will always be intact, ’tis how I live my life. If you feel you Honour is unbroken, then any disgrace is from someone else,and thus of little consequence to your life.

    You were told to protect your professor, you did, His actions may have disgraced Him and others, but your Honour is unstained, unless YOU truly believe otherwise.

    ‘Tis good to cut the dead wood from your life now and again, the people we greet today are not the ones we greeted 10 years ago, unless there is 1 or 2 close friends.

    I applaud your honesty and Morales,if only more people had some of those. Then this world would be very different.

    • Thank you for your kind and well thought out response! The mantra I live by daily is “I do the best I can with the resources I have available at the time.” There really is no more anyone can do than that. Thank you for your comforting words and it is true- as hard as it is- cutting the dead wood from one’s life is necessary and difficult.

      …However, the question I pose to others is when THEY decide to cut others from their lives= truly look at that person and see: Is it truly them who carries the blame, or are they cutting out people who make them uncomfortable with their own shortcomings? I have been screamed at and called names by a YOGA instructor who claimed I was pretending to know what enlightenment is….rallied against my alleged “ego”- without skipping a beat as he told me he “has sat at the feet of the greatest gurus in the world.” and that was the reason I should also treat him as a guru. I trust no human “teachers”, and from my past experience with my professor I knew not to cave in.

      It took days for me to see the contradiction- I couldn’t get out of the malaise of someone else’s issue that was not my own. As for the professor- I recall an argument we had over including physical equations in my thesis- at one point he turned his face away from me and stared at his computer. I asked him what was wrong, and he said simply “I believe you are more intelligent than I am”…

      …and I spent the next 20 minutes explaining to a double Phd that I was nothing compared to him- I was no activist, no diaspora, not a professor, a scholar or even legally clergy- I had no degrees and I was nearing my 30’s with nothing close to anything he had accomplished by the same time in his life; I explained to a 46 year old man that intelligence is subjective- and even if I “was” that it did not matter in the slightest.

      The only things I personally take ownership of is my personal truth and my faith; not intelligence, enlightenment, or anything else for that matter. Yet, time and again- I am confronted by individuals who start with good intentions then end up meaning to personally harm me- and I am confronted like I am their personal mirror that they should be screaming at instead of me; they carry on, contradict themselves, lie, and ultimately try to make me out to be a villain. However, just like Loki- no matter how loudly one speaks against Him, it does not make His truths less legitimate.

      I wish I knew what it is about me that makes those of lesser morals so drawn to me in the first place; then, I would like to know what makes them turn so venomously… If my Gods know the answer, they have not told me clearly.

      Dude. If I was enlightened- I think I would be the first to know; however in the meantime I can live honorably as I can with what I am given and what I have learned.
      The only thing I do know that greater things exist in this universe beyond my understanding- and there is life in this universe that is deeper and more complex than our minds can comprehend. That isn’t a claim to enlightenment, it’s a simple idea which runs universally throughout all faiths and traditions to before Babylon. I didn’t invent it; it’s not a new revelation.

      If anything it’s more evidence of how much I do NOT know….and the understanding that I believe personally it’s hubris to think we can own any knowledge whatsoever outside of our personal experience…. however, if I want answers to my questions in life, I have to work for them- I have learned that the Gods speak through others as well as more directly. As a human being who lives a life of what some would call “mysticism”, the best I can do is be honest about my experiences in my life and hope that it serves to help others understand who might not otherwise- and perhaps, ultimately create a little less division in the world. But I have also come to understand there are people out there who are malevolent; and I need to learn how to recognize the signs earlier for my own safety.

      Thank you again for your kind words, you have really made an impact on my day. For that alone, I hope you make your Gods proud daily. 🙂

      • Raven, first thank you, second, I am no guru either, my Gods guide me and I, for the most part speak what I need to at any given time.

        Now I can not really remember Tyr, Protection I think, so in the first instance I would ask Him for his guidance to protect yourself from those who end up Malevolent towards you.

        Intelligence is not noted by how many academic qualifications you have, I have known Doctors who knew nothing outside Medicine, A person who has lived their life in a wide area knows more than someone who stays in their room. Logic for you, That is a quote from them Above, just now. You are a smart cookie my friend, never forget that. Too write what you have is proof of that.

        And your Mantra! That is all anyone can do, but some try to do more. Your Gods are with you, all of them, even if you revere them not, if one takes an interest in you, they all will.

        One finial thing for you to think about. “it serves to help others understand who might not otherwise” shows that you are Teacher as well as student, as are we all

      • Ironic, because most days I am technically considered a “shut in”. 🙂 For the past few years I have found it intensely difficult to leave my apartment except to go where there will be people I know well- and otherwise, go no other place without my fiancee, brother, or close friend(s) accompanying me.

        Grocery shopping in full daylight, for instance, resulted me breaking down in the cereal aisle and on the phone with my brother until he could manage to calm me down. Otherwise, before I met Ed, I would either go with a friend or wait until the earliest hours of the morning (one or two AM) to shop…and then, only when I was completely out of food.

        Pathetic, isn’t it?

  4. Desiree Says:

    I think you mean to say you are either transgender, genderqueer, or perhaps third gendered (there may be other possibilities I’m missing too). To be cisgendered means that you identify with the gender you were assigned at birth, meaning in this case that you identify as a woman, which is not really what your narrative suggests.

    • I really don’t identify with either- and it appears you are correct. I will make the correction. Thank you for making me re-read the wikipedia 🙂

    • I think I figured it out: When I’m clearly wrong- I fess up to it. I think that is the answer to the question I posed to Dave above. When I really think about it, I don’t know of many people who can publicly say “I was wrong,” then move on with their day as easily as I can. I’m wrong all the time. 🙂

  5. O.O Oh my… what a huge post (I’m hesitant to call it a rant because I think it’s better than that). I’m happy to have served as catalyst, too.

    (have to tell you though, the link seems to be messed up)

    and: “-Schadenfreude is my favorite word in German.” — I’ll have to teach you some nicer words then, we have so many! And some are really lovely. ❤

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