Os and Perspectives

OS

By http://www.kstattoo.com
Kitt Souvanna-Artist

Forgive the rambling nature of this post-  I have many thoughts floating free this evening and sometimes, free form writing can be as therapeutic and worthwhile as something more organized.  This is not a particular post on a topic-  it’s more of just an exploration of the thoughts currently floating in my mind.  This state is called “half-triggered”- I am not completely fine, but nor am I distressed- just pensive and introverted.  Tired and overthinking- pushed too far and pulling myself back one rope grasp at a time handhold over handhold back to the present.

First of all, I would like to state that the current state of the American Heathen community is truly perplexing to me; there are people who loathe me who have never met me- on account of the label of “Lokian/Lokean”.  Why would anyone choose to harbor such strong emotions over a word without actually personally meeting me, reading my writing, or even really knowing anything about me?   I don’t know of any group that I instantly judge in such a way- and honestly, as a whole all of humanity is generally confusing to me in general.

Another thought- Sort of like when you see your successor in your ex-lover’s life and find them to be less attractive, kind, and intelligent than you are-  does that mean to imply that you are lower than such a person, or that your ex lover is aiming low?  I am not an attractiveness ideal by any means- however, at least I clearly bathe daily, take care of myself through diet and exercise, and although I am cis-gender, I do know how to put on a “good show” when I need to making me a pretty solid 7 out of 10 by personal bisexual assessment.  I am getting replaced by solid 3’s across the board….especially in “kindness” category.  I can understand a less attractive person with a hell of a personality, but I am seeing ex’s in what appears to be abusive relationships and it makes me feel sad for them- and I do not understand their reasoning for their choices.

I had my ex fiancee leave me for a troll-like woman who proudly worked for Monsanto, intentionally neglecting her birth control with the intention of getting pregnant to trap him,  and took devilish delight in making the lives of Canadian farmers a living hell- all the while as his parents owned the largest cattle ranch in Val Marie, Sk.   I have seen the wedding pictures-  on this continent, people believe the truth is in the smile- when the Asians know correctly, the truth of emotion is in the eyes;  exhaustion, weariness, and defeat.  I feel sad for him- but his family is comprised of strong, good folk who will make certain his child is raised well with plenty of positive influences to counteract the negative.  I wish for that child to have wild summers on the family farm chasing cattle dogs, tipping cattle, and riding horses just like his grandparents… and I have little reason to believe my hope is different than reality.

Another ex ended up with a woman who asked him to “Stop speaking with big words” because it made her “feel bad” while controlling who he may/may not speak to because she feels “threatened”- she is a larger girl, attractive, but insecure.  He’s still with her.   The only thing these women have in common is more conventionally feminine personalities and interests.   Nice people also do not generally control their partners in who they may and may not associate with.

I have my flaws as well- but only with one specific individual: In the case of my relationship there is one woman who specifically targets men in relationships to sleep with (according to her Plenty of Fish profile), cuts herself frequently, is a heroine addict, and who has proudly spread her legs for most of the city (again, plenty of fish as well as words from my fiancee’s coworkers)- ironically, she accused me of being a negative influence on my fiancee at the beginning of our relationship on account of my percieved “instability” after months of not speaking to him.   I flyted the shit out of her-  one who has enough marks on her arm to create an N gauge railroad cannot criticize the mental stability of another.

My favorite line was “Sweetheart, if you are going to cut yourself, at very least do it properly: Down the road, deeply.  Not shallowly across the street.”

In her case, I would allow him to associate with her if she came over here to our house while I was here- and I would gladly stay in another room to allow their conversation.  Not surprisingly, she declined only wishing to meet with him alone…indicating to me her intentions were far from honorable.

Apparently, she just was released from an institution.  I have been in institutions- but over things done TO me, not things done to myself.  I do admit to being elitist, seeing people who intentionally inject themselves with toxins and create completely visible scars on their bodies tend to give the rest of us who struggle with mental illness a bad reputation. Perhaps imitation is the sincerest form of flattery; however, I doubt she was committed for being tortured and interrogated for 5 hours without legal representation like I was which drove me to 201 commitment, nor was she involved with a narcissist who used her as a brain drain for his own research projects, psychological abuse, and eventually stalking.

Anyone else- fuck, my fiancee can go out where ever he wants, whenever he wants.  If I did not trust my fiancee- I would not be with him.  But I will not have the possibility of putting him into danger of becoming drugged and raped by an unpredictable woman.

However, if my past history is any indication, if I were to lose him it would be to  a woman of her caliber…. a confused histrionic whore with a penchant for self-mutilation and self-entitled narcissism.

Yes, I know her commitment had nothing to do with me- however, I won’t rule it out, either.   Apparently, many people had “plans” for my fiancee as their “back-up” choice for a life partner- counting on his record of long periods of being single.   Apparently, seeing him engaged seems to have driven both women and men to insane actions and outbursts. I am told a lot of people used to be “different” before I began dating Eddie- then over the past few months, they deteriorated.  Then again For every bad memory of college I relive, there is an image of a young, long haired poet at the foot of Mount Damavand laying among the flowers and writing his thoughts in a journal in beautiful curling script, reading “Le Petit Prince” en Francais and dreaming of living abroad….and one day, I will write about him- my lost friend- and what the world missed out on in not getting to know him before he lost himself.   ….but who he is now is a stranger I do not wish to know.

I would  be polite should I see her, yet still step back a step when she holds the horn to avoid her wyrd….thankfully, she is not even Heathen and only appeared at events we no longer attend.

Speaking of which, this leads me to another interesting concept; the idea of the false teacher…. the one who harmed me is far from my life now; but yet,   I was torn apart by a yoga teacher, criticized for my spiritual beliefs-  not even for being Lokian- but for being Asatru/Heathen in general since “He has been to Sweden, his wife is Swedish, and he speaks Swedish and knows the faith to be false”.

Sorry chief, first of all- 90% of Sweden is Atheist….and my family is Latvian/Pa Dutch making the argument null and void… my Religion is not Scandinavian, it is from my family’s traditions, my own research, and soul-searching. My grandma still talks about the time the Christians came to her village to baptize the locals only for the locals to jump into a separate river as soon as the invaders left to “wash off” the baptism.    He wanted me to respect him- he asked me what I wanted.  I told him I respected him as a friend to my fiancee and  as a yoga teacher: it was not good enough.   He believes a blue man with a flute is God- as in GOD- the one and only.  That’s nice- Krishna is not my God…. and for a 10 year friendship with my fiancee- he proudly proclaimed to me that as a teacher, “He had no friends- he was a teacher and needed to keep himself a part from his students.”  …including my fiancee   I replied “That sounds lonely, I feel bad for you.”- to which he entered into what I could best described as a rage.   I was kicked out of the studio a week later when I stopped attending his classes in favor of other teachers- and asked one other teacher where else he taught yoga and relayed the entire interaction to him.

So, I learned that “shit talking” means “telling the truth.”    Got it, humanity.   At Lokiblot, another former friend of that particular man approached me and told me he used to be an entirely different person…. one who didn’t demand unquestioning ass-kissing, one who had friends and respected the beliefs and ideas of others, and she was incredibly saddened at the change in him which had also become apparent in his frantic, un-researched facebook posts claiming that yoga and odd dietary behavior can allow one to live past 200 years old.  Here is a man clinging to the desire to appear to be a guru for the very survival of his business.  Yet, no guru I know would ever tear another human being down with lies and conjecture.   No human spiritual teacher would-( that alone, is the Gods purview in my opinion)  A human spiritual teacher does their best to lift up humanity with their words- we certainly have enough people tearing us down.  I am teacher no more or less than any other human being- and I see no human being as being greater than any other.  As far as teachers are concerned; I have learned to research and look to the Gods for guidance.

She apologized that I never got to see the old him, and apologized for his actions- not her fault.

Furthermore, over the course of the past few weeks I have seen a woman who publicly attempted to “summon a demon” at a heathen gathering to impress the audience (he wasn’t a demon- he was a jinn- but that is beside the point; I studied Islam, and to anyone outside of the knowledge of Islam a jinn would seem “demonic”) disown my fiancee because he praised the Jotuns.   Not even specific Jotuns….and even when it was pointed out that Tyr, Skadi, Thor, et all had Jotun blood- she publicly denounced my fiancee, insulted him- and unfriended the two of us.  She held an Ostara event which had a grand total of under 5 people who showed.   Our Lokiblot had 12.

She said to us “You reap what your sow”.  Well, my dear- you certainly did, didn’t you?

Lokiblot:  Almost a year in planning- was a moderate success; to my dismay, the children who were in attendance were in a constant state of agitation; I have no experience with children- however, those that did warmed my heart by taking turns trying to sooth them and calm them down.  All in all, out of 12 people attending I would say at least 7 spent time taking care of children they were not related to.  That is community, so even if the ritual itself was interrupted at moments by the cries of a newborn or the frustration of a 4 year old who could not figure out why touching the keys of my computer made movies stop playing….we made it though, and for it- more Heathens connected with other heathens.

There is few more satisfying feelings than seeing friends becoming friends with others on your list—- it creates a network, a web of people of common interests and mindset that surrounds each person in the web with acceptance and new understanding.

If it is of any consequence, the Sumbel was fantastic- 4 rounds, 1 to the Gods, 1 to ancestors, 1 round to amusing stories, and one round to boasts.

My boast was this blog- that it seems to have consistent international readership to my amazement…  I honestly am writing this blog to fulfill an Oath to Tyr and a promise to Loki.

But, I guess other than the first post this is the most “human” of everything I have written.  I am judgmental, sometimes insecure, and I feel satisfaction when people who harm or discredit me or people I love receive consequences for their actions.  I am not a hexer- but I can predict consequences well.  I know the yoga studio is in financial trouble and losing two consistent clients will likely hurt….it took well over a week to get our refund check.

However, we are REALLY looking forward to trying out something called “Bikram” which involves mild postures conducted in a room heated to 115 degrees Fahrenheit with humidifiers to make the environment basically into a sweat-lodge type thing.    Ed always wanted to go there but his former friend spoke so resentfully of it that he did not wish to offend him.  Now we are free to go where we want, to try new things we were unable to previously.

The price of freedom is always some kind of loss- nothing in this world is free.  I am on Disability for PTSD and have days that are completely lost to being stuck in past periods of time- the anger, the pain, and confusion of things that I could never understand-  an interrogation where I was forbidden legal council for 5 hours, a professor who turned into an admirer and enemy concurrently, bad relationships, abandonment, car accidents and  many painful surgeries.

But I am free.  My time is mostly my own-  I can write, I account for my time to no one except medical professionals- but in exchange for this freedom is losing myself to unknown triggers….and then, I belong to the grip of the past, trapped in a negative delusion that horrors I have experienced are once again occurring.

When I met Loki- he pointed out a man from the window of the room we were in: “Protect him- he is worthy of your protection and you will learn much from him.”

…and so I did, I protected that man- and in turn I watched how a religious, God-touched individual can lose their faith in favor of false celebrity and the trappings of the material world….and have over 400 letters of what was essentially the last of his inner self saying “goodbye” to reality, to spirituality, and the mad calling to the Poetry of the Sufi in favor of Politics of the academic.

Through the pain of being a student assistant/student-slave to a false teacher myself- Loki gave me the coin with which to buy my freedom.  Sadly, that coin is inscribed “madness”- But it has two faces- the other side of madness brings knowledge.  Ask Odin about how he discovered the Runes, sometime….

Therefore, I am not “tame” any longer to any hand- for I have learned freedom does not hold with collars;  the fear and mindless hatred from others is better than a life enslaved to rigid ideas, to other people’s thoughts, or to be apprenticed or subjugated.   I may be hated,  people may curse me, but I wake up every morning next to my fiancee- we eat breakfast, maybe go out for a little.  I take him to work, I come home-  when the curse of bad thoughts come to me, I can sleep to bypass them, I can surf the internet, or call on a friend.  I can write when I want, whatever I want.  I am financially secure, and I am no ones human slave.

Then, I pick up my fiancee from work, where he shakes off the shackles of the day and we spend the nights wild as we please in our magic, love, and free conversations.  Our short term memories stilted so badly that arguments last moments only to be forgotten- then onwards to read books curled together or watch a movie before retiring each night snug with our cats.  Neither of us are tame- we are committed to one another, but commitment and submission are two entirely different concepts. My Gods protect me, my fiancee loves me, I have a close relationship with my brother and grandmother and close, long-term friends.  The only candles I light are for the dead to find their way and those who are ill who need the help of Eir.

The first thunderstorm of the year is occurring outside at this moment-  I adore thunderstorms- and still, I have not made an effort to outreach to Thunar/Thor although I am told he asks for me to.

I admit to my cowardliness as well; perhaps tonight I will try to reach back and see what He of Storms wishes to say to me-  Loki has been the one to indicate this would be no bad thing for me-  I am not going to be hurt or reprimanded; and I need to remind myself that I have friends who are Thorsmen who have been as good to me as others have been evil.  But when one has been hurt repeatedly in the name of a God, it makes speaking to that same God a fearful prospect.

When people speak ill of me, I know as long as I live honestly my Gods will watch for me;  I have the freedom to tell the truth, I have the freedom to walk my path, and I have my freedom to go where I am welcome, to choose my friends, to live a life, albeit an unconventional one- that can still have a positive influence.

…and when I speak of other people in a negative light, it is my truth, my Os to share- the uncomfortable truth- that I am most comfortable with.  Once in a while, even I have the desire to rip apart the sternum and expose the wounded, contradictory hearts of those who wish only to harm and divide…and I feel no sympathy to those who throw the first punches unprovoked who find themselves alone in the end.

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7 Responses to “Os and Perspectives”

  1. I understand so much of what you write, and my heart goes out to you. I am so glad that you have people close to you, I know that makes all the difference in the life of someone who has been broken.

    I know Thor understands that you need time to approach Him on your own terms. In my experience, He is actually quite gentle with those who seek His company or offer worship, as if He knows that He is so strong and could easily crush anyone or anything, so He does His best not to if it isn’t needed. Does that make sense? My brain feels muddled trying to explain it…

    • It makes perfect sense since I have been told similar things about Him from other people. Thank you 🙂

      • you are welcome. Glad I could add my voice to the consensus of Thor’s personality to help you. He usually shows up in my life whenever I am creating protection magic or “bringing the hammer down” on someone to watch, or add His input/help. Or when I am building stuff with hammers, that is just fun for everyone.

        I have an aversion and loathing that I haven’t been able to overcome in regard to the X-tian god, but I don’t see that going away any time soon.

      • That reminds me of a funny story…when I was young, my grandmother told me if I was to pray for someone else, I should pray to their gods because my gods might not know them….So, I ended up praying to Jesus.

        Nice guy, he laughed at me (nicely), and informed me I had more appropriate people to pray to….and sent me back to Odin.

        I think even Jesus is frustrated with the state of his religion these days…

      • I agree, I think he is pretty annoyed, and has a headache from all the times he “face-palms” over people’s actions in his name.

  2. A moderate success my ass; a VERY successful event with laughter, fellowship, frith, and spiritual depth. Also; amazing Southern style BBQ.

    All in all, a wonderful event!

    • Thanks Harrison! It’s hard to tell how successful something is from the perspective of the person running something- Keeping all the fires burning yet not allowing them to burn the place down both physically and metaphorically gives a rather skewed perspective on things. 🙂

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