Screaming at the Gods

I'm not a fan of Marvel's Loki- but I know the feel in this picture. No idea who the artist is-random tumblr find....

I’m not a fan of Marvel’s Loki- but I know the feel in this picture. No idea who the artist is-random tumblr find..

If there is any theme that runs through my life among people who dislike me it’s been “Be yourself- but not the way you are currently doing it- we hate that.”

I am extraordinarily fortunate that I have found a friend of mine online who can translate contradictory human behavior for me- his name is Steve-  I call him “Smart Steve” to differentiate him from the hundreds of Steve’s I have known and have yet to know.  If I have a question about why life (and people) seem to be so contradictory, I know I can go on facebook and if Steve is on, he will answer my question;  any question.  He’s like my own personal cleverbot- but one with an actual consciousness and conscious…. and his best answer of all is “Don’t worry about what people think- they don’t do it very often.”  Over the past three days, I knew better than to ask him for help- some part knew he couldn’t help.

So, once again- I had found myself in a borderline abusive situation with an authority figure this week- despite protests from my fiancee, I persisted- it’s what I do.  ….and once again, when I could take no more of the abuse, I went to a trusted friend and asked for help.  Gods only know if the place was bugged or the asshole in question was in the next room- but the next thing I know I find I am unwelcomed to yet another place, this time a yoga studio- with another man in his mid-40’s making a screaming jackass of himself as I walk away never to return.

Replay: College
Replay: Childhood

There is a certain gnosis I seem to inspire in insecure men that makes me out to be more than I am….I become, like Loki, a demonized figure who is seen not as a human being, but rather as some sort of vengeful wraith created with the sole intention to vex the person in the position of power.   This person is someone I actually tried my damnedest to befriend. He was supposed to be a close friend of my fiancee’s.  I hand made his family gifts when his child was born, he considered himself a councilor, so I attempted to go  to him with my problems- only to find he was horrendous at giving advice.  I hugged him when he had all the warmth of a Tegu  (Think: unfriendly Gila Monster)

As my teacher, I copied him move for move- only to find that doing so was improper- although I was not informed of this until later.   I always assumed that yoga was a sort of “follow-the-leader” sort of activity, and I am in reasonably decent shape from a life lead of moderate to athletic activity…. How was I supposed to know his flourishes and extra moves were meant to “impress” and were not to be emulated?  My balance sucks, and my thighs are too large to really pretzel myself all that well…. however, I can do diamond push-ups with the best of the men.

But the last straw was he insulted my religion-  Saying he knew more about Heathenry because he spoke Swedish and married a Swede.   Well, okay then.  I used to be able to speak Spanish enough to get by when I lived in Spain- I suppose this means I should be able to make you a paella  from scratch, no?  (I can’t- I hate paella)

…and I sat there and I took it.  I explained Sweden is 90% atheist and that MY religion comes from a mixture of Latvian and Pennsylvania Dutch traditions.  Every answer I gave him angered him.  “Look at your ego,” said he ” You have an answer for Everything.”  said the man who was yelling at me…who also happened to be the ONLY student to appear for his class that day- in the studio he had informed us several times was the “hippest” in town.  (I was only there because my fiancee went there, honestly)

That was three weeks ago-  Last week we were kicking up into handstands…and to my own surprise, I made it.   Against the wall, supported by only my hands- I amazed myself.  I don’t have the greatest balance nor upper arm strength in the world.

The teachers reaction was to scream at the entire class that yoga is not a competition with others, but with the self…. When I was in that handstand, I couldn’t care less what anyone else was doing.  It was my hands- and frankly, I did not care for most of the people in the class all that much anyway after one night I was stalled from departing by two women discussing the virtues of $50 gloves.  (My gloves are bought as needed from the gas station/Wawa/711 when my hands are cold. 14.99 TOPS.)

So anyway,  I was kicked out after I asked a more congenial teacher where else I could find a more open and accepting yoga practice and I explained the behavior of the owner towards me in a non-ad hominem way.  Apparently, this is now known as “shit talking.”  I came home and lit incense and every candle in the house, completely wrecked.  The next 2 days after, my fiancee continued the practice.

Flash back and forward, my fiancee asked me to leave this studio when I was first torn down months before-  but I stayed.  Why?  Because this man was my fiancee’s friend.  In fact, when said man asked what I wanted from him- I answered “friendship”.  To which, he responded “I have no friends, I don’t ‘hang out’ with students”

I replied “I don’t think my fiancee would take that news so well, and it sounds like you live a very lonely life.”

His reply was LIVID….and I can’t remember the exact words, but I remember the anger…and I remember his pride in saying he didn’t tell anyone anything about his life- he just made people think he did.  It struck me as weird as fuck.

Flashbacks after flashbacks, after flashbacks.  the past 3 day have been hell on my psyche.  I have PTSD- and when I am accosted all I can conclude is *I* am the problem.

…I don’t see that a man in his mid 40’s made an ass out of himself, practically foaming at the mouth as he screamed at me outside of the yoga school- after a class he was not even teaching.   Only now am I coming back into myself and into the reality where I am not blaming myself for everything negative in my life.

Yesterday, I was even screaming at Loki  for letting me down- He promised I wouldn’t be hurt again, and there I was hurting and not knowing what I did wrong.  I was told to be myself, but apparently, being myself is “weird”.   According to this self-made yoga guru I am allegedly more “Myself” when I indulge in the idea that I have a chronic illness and find myself in an endless mind-trap that allows for absolutely no joy- but instead unanswerable hypothetical questions no one can answer for me…. that was the only answer of “self” that human accepted of me

“Why did this happen?  What did I do wrong?   All I did was ask for help!  Why am I hurting?  Why isn’t the hurting going away?  Why does it feel like nothing is getting better no matter what I do or think?”  The runes made no sense to me, I felt no deeper sense of connection to the universe, I felt adrift, alone, and frightened that my life as I knew it was ruined.

At which point I took 30mg of Buspar, 300 mg of Seroquel, and 140mg of Valium—– only to fall asleep for 2 entire hours uninterrupted in the middle of the day.  (Yes, those are the correct doses- I am extraordinarily high tolerances to everything since I had severe gynecological problems prior to my hysterectomy that required high doses of Vicodan and Dilaudid to control.)

…and here I still am.  Without knowing the extent of my inner torment, my fiancee first bought me iris’s, then he bought be roses…and then, an aloe plant…his dad even sent me an encouraging text message even though I tried my hardest not to look like anything was wrong with me in front of them.  So when my mind was finished with it’s uncontrolled cycle of pain and insanity I realized that there is nothing that a balding 40-something man with no college degree, and no “friends” can say to him or me that will affect our lives together.   The balding guru said yoga can cure cancer, I have seen him with the flu.

I guess yoga only works on the big stuff.

I had flashbacks of college- of my Sufi professor writing incensed emails when I would finally break from under the strain of his alternate neglect and abuse and ask for help….and he would break me- painfully, with his alternation of words, neglect, and gas-lighting.

…and in asking for help- I became the antagonist.   For the past three days I could not tell really where I was anymore-  Was this Reading, Pa-  or was I back in Moravian dealing with someone I loved who was incapable of loving except when I did exactly as I was told regardless of the personal cost?

Then, this morning, I woke up-  the flashbacks had stopped.  I wasn’t thinking of the yoga studio or Moravian college.   I was here, in bed, with my beautiful fiancee who still loves me.   I still had text messages from the other teacher at the yoga school from the other day where he spent paragraphs writing to me about comic books to make me feel better. I had friends and Ed’s family who cared for me.  I felt like I had finally escaped one negative illusion that seemed inescapable back to reality.  I felt sad, the sense of loss and confusion still- but I did not have the images of the past assaulting my emotions any longer.

I spent three days terrified of that man telling my fiancee lies—-only to learn that in the end, my fiancee loves me enough to not care what ANYONE has to say about me.  That man was not the same man at my college who did, indeed, do that very thing to everyone we mutually knew.

To his credit, the yoga-guru guy said nothing to my fiancee whatsoever.

I don’t really remember much, but at my worst, when I was in such deep pain I was difficult to be around- my fiancee excused himself to go out and buy me flowers.   I can now look around my apartment and see evidence of love everywhere, which would not have been so if the chaos did not occur.

Do I want anything like this to happen again: ABSOLUTELY NOT! But, we survived it, and Ed’s still asleep peacefully with his hand on my leg and his other hand at my hip.   My PTSD is likely not going to disappear soon, and all the wishing in the world will not make it go away—but now I have the reassurance that even at my worst, my love and the best parts of my life will not disappear forever when I get lost in my flashbacks.

In my opinion, Loki is not a God of chaos- but rather the one who understands it.  Loki’s actions are premeditated, and even in the worst case scenario, when it seems like nothing will ever return to normal again;  a Lokian will find things to be better than they were in the first place when the dust settles.

As for yelling at Loki as a Lokian?  Of all the Gods of the pantheon-  He and Odin would be the most used to it…..and Loki, the most forgiving considering people yell at him for far worse things all the time.   He doesn’t lash back, He doesn’t fight, He might say a cutting remark at worst, but mostly, He weathers all storms and keeps His promises….and from my best estimation- understands instead of making things worse.

When I was destroyed by my experience in college He promised I wouldn’t be hurt again….  I have PTSD.  He said nothing about being able to take away the pain of remembering or being reminded of my past.   The pain I felt this weeks wasn’t a new thing- it was a reminder of an old situation, and out of that situation, once I was sane and stable- Loki gave me a rose to let me know I would be protected so I would not be left alone again.  Now, in this particular situation  I look around me and I see a vase full of Irises in my favorite blue, a aloe plant, and an entire miniature rose bush filled with bright red rosebuds….and I realize that I am going to be all right.

Furthermore, all I want to do is just hold my fiancee and give him anything and everything I can for the rest of my life, because I love him, he deserves it, and out of all the gifts I have been given by the Gods- my fiancee is the very best of them all.

…and maybe next time I’ll be bright enough to listen when Ed tells me I need to save myself and go elsewhere if where I am doesn’t fit.   In fact, I think this week I might even have the courage to ask for a new therapist.  My previous one who helped immensely does not take my insurance, but my new one has done me no favors.

A good therapist is better than any yoga studio anyway- and covered by insurance.  I’m sure the $85 I’m saving can be put to better use elsewhere.

I can now think clearly again, I didn’t need to ask more questions that had no answers.  The episode is over.(…but now I’m out of Valium.)  From the place where we bought the aloe plant we picked up a few tootsie rolls to put at the feet of Loki-   a thank you for the end of madness.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “Screaming at the Gods”

  1. This speaks to me so loudly that I feel like I am there with you as you feel these things. I am so glad that you have weathered this storm, and grew stronger. I am also so happy that you have such a wonderful fiancee, he sounds like he is just right for you.

    Loki has helped me before too, His assistance and support is sometimes the only thing between one of His followers and unending madness. I know that has been the case for me in the past, and I am happy to know He is that for you as well.

    Hail Loki!

  2. He’s a Helsman… If anyone can deal with Lokian antics it’s Hela. Thank you for you kind words. Hail to all the Rokkr and those who follow them!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: