Archive for March, 2013

Screaming at the Gods

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 30, 2013 by Tyrienne
I'm not a fan of Marvel's Loki- but I know the feel in this picture. No idea who the artist is-random tumblr find....

I’m not a fan of Marvel’s Loki- but I know the feel in this picture. No idea who the artist is-random tumblr find..

If there is any theme that runs through my life among people who dislike me it’s been “Be yourself- but not the way you are currently doing it- we hate that.”

I am extraordinarily fortunate that I have found a friend of mine online who can translate contradictory human behavior for me- his name is Steve-  I call him “Smart Steve” to differentiate him from the hundreds of Steve’s I have known and have yet to know.  If I have a question about why life (and people) seem to be so contradictory, I know I can go on facebook and if Steve is on, he will answer my question;  any question.  He’s like my own personal cleverbot- but one with an actual consciousness and conscious…. and his best answer of all is “Don’t worry about what people think- they don’t do it very often.”  Over the past three days, I knew better than to ask him for help- some part knew he couldn’t help.

So, once again- I had found myself in a borderline abusive situation with an authority figure this week- despite protests from my fiancee, I persisted- it’s what I do.  ….and once again, when I could take no more of the abuse, I went to a trusted friend and asked for help.  Gods only know if the place was bugged or the asshole in question was in the next room- but the next thing I know I find I am unwelcomed to yet another place, this time a yoga studio- with another man in his mid-40’s making a screaming jackass of himself as I walk away never to return.

Replay: College
Replay: Childhood

There is a certain gnosis I seem to inspire in insecure men that makes me out to be more than I am….I become, like Loki, a demonized figure who is seen not as a human being, but rather as some sort of vengeful wraith created with the sole intention to vex the person in the position of power.   This person is someone I actually tried my damnedest to befriend. He was supposed to be a close friend of my fiancee’s.  I hand made his family gifts when his child was born, he considered himself a councilor, so I attempted to go  to him with my problems- only to find he was horrendous at giving advice.  I hugged him when he had all the warmth of a Tegu  (Think: unfriendly Gila Monster)

As my teacher, I copied him move for move- only to find that doing so was improper- although I was not informed of this until later.   I always assumed that yoga was a sort of “follow-the-leader” sort of activity, and I am in reasonably decent shape from a life lead of moderate to athletic activity…. How was I supposed to know his flourishes and extra moves were meant to “impress” and were not to be emulated?  My balance sucks, and my thighs are too large to really pretzel myself all that well…. however, I can do diamond push-ups with the best of the men.

But the last straw was he insulted my religion-  Saying he knew more about Heathenry because he spoke Swedish and married a Swede.   Well, okay then.  I used to be able to speak Spanish enough to get by when I lived in Spain- I suppose this means I should be able to make you a paella  from scratch, no?  (I can’t- I hate paella)

…and I sat there and I took it.  I explained Sweden is 90% atheist and that MY religion comes from a mixture of Latvian and Pennsylvania Dutch traditions.  Every answer I gave him angered him.  “Look at your ego,” said he ” You have an answer for Everything.”  said the man who was yelling at me…who also happened to be the ONLY student to appear for his class that day- in the studio he had informed us several times was the “hippest” in town.  (I was only there because my fiancee went there, honestly)

That was three weeks ago-  Last week we were kicking up into handstands…and to my own surprise, I made it.   Against the wall, supported by only my hands- I amazed myself.  I don’t have the greatest balance nor upper arm strength in the world.

The teachers reaction was to scream at the entire class that yoga is not a competition with others, but with the self…. When I was in that handstand, I couldn’t care less what anyone else was doing.  It was my hands- and frankly, I did not care for most of the people in the class all that much anyway after one night I was stalled from departing by two women discussing the virtues of $50 gloves.  (My gloves are bought as needed from the gas station/Wawa/711 when my hands are cold. 14.99 TOPS.)

So anyway,  I was kicked out after I asked a more congenial teacher where else I could find a more open and accepting yoga practice and I explained the behavior of the owner towards me in a non-ad hominem way.  Apparently, this is now known as “shit talking.”  I came home and lit incense and every candle in the house, completely wrecked.  The next 2 days after, my fiancee continued the practice.

Flash back and forward, my fiancee asked me to leave this studio when I was first torn down months before-  but I stayed.  Why?  Because this man was my fiancee’s friend.  In fact, when said man asked what I wanted from him- I answered “friendship”.  To which, he responded “I have no friends, I don’t ‘hang out’ with students”

I replied “I don’t think my fiancee would take that news so well, and it sounds like you live a very lonely life.”

His reply was LIVID….and I can’t remember the exact words, but I remember the anger…and I remember his pride in saying he didn’t tell anyone anything about his life- he just made people think he did.  It struck me as weird as fuck.

Flashbacks after flashbacks, after flashbacks.  the past 3 day have been hell on my psyche.  I have PTSD- and when I am accosted all I can conclude is *I* am the problem.

…I don’t see that a man in his mid 40’s made an ass out of himself, practically foaming at the mouth as he screamed at me outside of the yoga school- after a class he was not even teaching.   Only now am I coming back into myself and into the reality where I am not blaming myself for everything negative in my life.

Yesterday, I was even screaming at Loki  for letting me down- He promised I wouldn’t be hurt again, and there I was hurting and not knowing what I did wrong.  I was told to be myself, but apparently, being myself is “weird”.   According to this self-made yoga guru I am allegedly more “Myself” when I indulge in the idea that I have a chronic illness and find myself in an endless mind-trap that allows for absolutely no joy- but instead unanswerable hypothetical questions no one can answer for me…. that was the only answer of “self” that human accepted of me

“Why did this happen?  What did I do wrong?   All I did was ask for help!  Why am I hurting?  Why isn’t the hurting going away?  Why does it feel like nothing is getting better no matter what I do or think?”  The runes made no sense to me, I felt no deeper sense of connection to the universe, I felt adrift, alone, and frightened that my life as I knew it was ruined.

At which point I took 30mg of Buspar, 300 mg of Seroquel, and 140mg of Valium—– only to fall asleep for 2 entire hours uninterrupted in the middle of the day.  (Yes, those are the correct doses- I am extraordinarily high tolerances to everything since I had severe gynecological problems prior to my hysterectomy that required high doses of Vicodan and Dilaudid to control.)

…and here I still am.  Without knowing the extent of my inner torment, my fiancee first bought me iris’s, then he bought be roses…and then, an aloe plant…his dad even sent me an encouraging text message even though I tried my hardest not to look like anything was wrong with me in front of them.  So when my mind was finished with it’s uncontrolled cycle of pain and insanity I realized that there is nothing that a balding 40-something man with no college degree, and no “friends” can say to him or me that will affect our lives together.   The balding guru said yoga can cure cancer, I have seen him with the flu.

I guess yoga only works on the big stuff.

I had flashbacks of college- of my Sufi professor writing incensed emails when I would finally break from under the strain of his alternate neglect and abuse and ask for help….and he would break me- painfully, with his alternation of words, neglect, and gas-lighting.

…and in asking for help- I became the antagonist.   For the past three days I could not tell really where I was anymore-  Was this Reading, Pa-  or was I back in Moravian dealing with someone I loved who was incapable of loving except when I did exactly as I was told regardless of the personal cost?

Then, this morning, I woke up-  the flashbacks had stopped.  I wasn’t thinking of the yoga studio or Moravian college.   I was here, in bed, with my beautiful fiancee who still loves me.   I still had text messages from the other teacher at the yoga school from the other day where he spent paragraphs writing to me about comic books to make me feel better. I had friends and Ed’s family who cared for me.  I felt like I had finally escaped one negative illusion that seemed inescapable back to reality.  I felt sad, the sense of loss and confusion still- but I did not have the images of the past assaulting my emotions any longer.

I spent three days terrified of that man telling my fiancee lies—-only to learn that in the end, my fiancee loves me enough to not care what ANYONE has to say about me.  That man was not the same man at my college who did, indeed, do that very thing to everyone we mutually knew.

To his credit, the yoga-guru guy said nothing to my fiancee whatsoever.

I don’t really remember much, but at my worst, when I was in such deep pain I was difficult to be around- my fiancee excused himself to go out and buy me flowers.   I can now look around my apartment and see evidence of love everywhere, which would not have been so if the chaos did not occur.

Do I want anything like this to happen again: ABSOLUTELY NOT! But, we survived it, and Ed’s still asleep peacefully with his hand on my leg and his other hand at my hip.   My PTSD is likely not going to disappear soon, and all the wishing in the world will not make it go away—but now I have the reassurance that even at my worst, my love and the best parts of my life will not disappear forever when I get lost in my flashbacks.

In my opinion, Loki is not a God of chaos- but rather the one who understands it.  Loki’s actions are premeditated, and even in the worst case scenario, when it seems like nothing will ever return to normal again;  a Lokian will find things to be better than they were in the first place when the dust settles.

As for yelling at Loki as a Lokian?  Of all the Gods of the pantheon-  He and Odin would be the most used to it…..and Loki, the most forgiving considering people yell at him for far worse things all the time.   He doesn’t lash back, He doesn’t fight, He might say a cutting remark at worst, but mostly, He weathers all storms and keeps His promises….and from my best estimation- understands instead of making things worse.

When I was destroyed by my experience in college He promised I wouldn’t be hurt again….  I have PTSD.  He said nothing about being able to take away the pain of remembering or being reminded of my past.   The pain I felt this weeks wasn’t a new thing- it was a reminder of an old situation, and out of that situation, once I was sane and stable- Loki gave me a rose to let me know I would be protected so I would not be left alone again.  Now, in this particular situation  I look around me and I see a vase full of Irises in my favorite blue, a aloe plant, and an entire miniature rose bush filled with bright red rosebuds….and I realize that I am going to be all right.

Furthermore, all I want to do is just hold my fiancee and give him anything and everything I can for the rest of my life, because I love him, he deserves it, and out of all the gifts I have been given by the Gods- my fiancee is the very best of them all.

…and maybe next time I’ll be bright enough to listen when Ed tells me I need to save myself and go elsewhere if where I am doesn’t fit.   In fact, I think this week I might even have the courage to ask for a new therapist.  My previous one who helped immensely does not take my insurance, but my new one has done me no favors.

A good therapist is better than any yoga studio anyway- and covered by insurance.  I’m sure the $85 I’m saving can be put to better use elsewhere.

I can now think clearly again, I didn’t need to ask more questions that had no answers.  The episode is over.(…but now I’m out of Valium.)  From the place where we bought the aloe plant we picked up a few tootsie rolls to put at the feet of Loki-   a thank you for the end of madness.

“His Demand”- Reblogged post

Posted in Uncategorized on March 22, 2013 by Tyrienne
From Deviantart: The name is in the blade...

From http://wantstobelieve.tumblr.com   The name is in the blade… 

 

 

 

 

Please read this amazing post regarding one woman’s personal experience with Dear Loki- it mirrors my own in so many ways I felt incredibly moved in reading it.

His Demand.

Also, if you are a Troth member, please make sure to read the newest issue of “Idunna” magazine for the conclusion to the three-part article of the origins of Loki and Loki-woshiip. One word: Glorious. Well researched, well written, and the UPG matches up with what I, and many others have felt- Loki as a God of the Hearth fire, protector of children, and the one who shines light onto problems and brings them into the forefront to be dealt with where others lack the courage! Dagaz and Os.

Hail to you, beloved flame haired, brightest scholar, and fire-tender!

Pax Deorum

Posted in Uncategorized on March 19, 2013 by Tyrienne

Balder-norse-mythology-17860246-450-450“Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.”- Albert Einstein

….Or do you prefer: “Si vis pacem, para bellum” Publius Flavius Vegetius Renatus,  (If you want peace, prepare for war- this is meant to intend that if the “enemy” knows you are combat ready, they will not attack)

So, it’s been a week.  A rough one- and I would like to ask my readership who have decided to turn against myself and my fiancee to look through this blog, with a fine tooth comb, and attempt to find anything that indicates that there is a wish for anything other than a united Heathen community.

I am part Rokkatru, as are many who read this- we lead normal lives, I know of writers, lawyers, hairdressers, carnival workers, teachers, machinists, managers, blue collar and white collar who worship Gods that some people do not like. But also, all these same people who are disliked for not “keeping in line” and worshiping all the same as the others- are NOT denying or against the rest of the Norse pantheon- instead, they happen to live with a different understanding and interpretation which varies from person to person why additional Deities, Spirits, and Ancestors deserve their due.

I have a question:  Did Jotnar or the Rokkr directly harm you in any way, and if so, how did these deities do so?

When working with religions, personal UPG’s can be tricky.  There is constant back and forth bickering which will NEVER be resolved in any satisfactory way for any side regarding lore and the “ancient ways” of Heathenry.  First of all, I would like you to take a 3000 piece puzzle, take out three random pieces, and destroy the rest.  Now- take those three remaining puzzle pieces and expose them to the elements for a month.  After the month is over, invite over a stranger and ask them to draw for you from those three wet, molded puzzle pieces what the entire picture was meant to be.  The point is, it is impossible.   Even with Lore- we are looking at rules, traditions and customs that are often irrelevant to our current lives.   A freak snowstorm which is a minor inconvenience in 2013 could kill an entire community in 500 C.E. if they were unprepared. We have UPG vs. UPG here and people declaring enemies of others because of some assessment that while the people they declare to be enemies worship the same Gods, they are wrong/evil/dangerous because they worship some different ones as well.  They are AFRAID of the potential of conflict, so instead of standing true with Honor- they make a great show out of nonacceptance and non-hospitality.

Is it some Lokian trick that every Lokian I know want peace in the community?  But yet, we are met with violent rejection- those perpetuating such rejection are breaking the peace themselves, then in turn, gaslighting those whom they do not wish to understand.

I do not believe any of us have come running through your homes naked bearing a torch, and asking you to convert to worshiping Loki.  We have not sacrificed your pets, caused your miscarriages, or soured your milk.

The vital thing being missed in this whole Rokkr vs. Non-Rokkr conflict is that we are all individual human beings arguing over basically what amounts to stories, nothing more, nothing less.

No violence has been perpetuated against any person that I know of within the community over belief outside of verbal insults.
No theft or other crime has occurred to make one group more trustworthy, frithful, or more “correct” than the other.

Welcome to the year 2013-  the “old ways” are certainly fascinating, and we may learn much from them- however, also keep in mind that each individual is walking their own path, and essentially, creating their own spirituality and religion within them which then can be compared and contrasted with the rest of the community.

Allow me to start with some standard points many can agree on, the Noble Virtues:  (and even these are in depute by scholars)

  1. Courage
  2. Truth
  3. Honor
  4. Fidelity
  5. Discipline
  6. Hospitality
  7. Self Reliance
  8. Industriousness
  9. Perseverance

I believe that every Rokkr I am aware of has lived these virtues, and I would like to challenge anyone who is reading this to inform myself as well as my fiancee what, exactly, of these virtues we have broken.  We refuse to lie about to which Ancestors we give our respect and tribute to, we have stood courageously against differing points of view.  We do not lie nor cheat, we open our homes to strangers for ritual every single month (If you are in Pennsylvania or neighboring states, feel free to join our open hall page:  Freyja’s Hall)  (Don’t worry, we are not a kindred and never plan on becoming one.)   When people who wish to attend our rituals and cannot, we do our best to contribute what we can in the way of gas money, picking people up from bus stations, or arranging carpools.  Despite many voices screaming against us, our Gods, and our choices- we perservere.  Why?  Because our hall is home to several people who would not have a place to worship otherwise.  Furthermore- notice our hall is called “FREYJA’S Hall,  Not Surtr, not Angrboda-  We worship the Aesir, Vanir, and in personal practice, some of the Rokkr

….and here I am, on SSD, writing these blog posts to try and unite the community, promote greater understanding, and striving to find common ground throughout the entirety of the community.   I don’t care what color you are, what you believe, if you are racist or non racist-  I welcome you.  The only way I would not welcome you is if you deliberately went out of your way to cause me personal harm or I have seen you promote harm or harm others with my own eyes.

Name calling, insult flinging, and infighting are not mature, adult ways of conduct- nor is public disownment of who you once considered friends simply over a difference of opinion.

If your friend physically harmed you, stole from you, lied to you, deceived you, or was hurtful to you- then by all means, please state your case as to why.  I truly do not wish to believe that humans crave such conflict that they are willing to label an entire group of diverse individuals as “The enemy”.   Do you not see what you are doing?  Do you not understand the fallacy of logic that occurs when people are not taken on individual merit but instead, characterized without a fair assessment of their actions?   What is dishonorable about worshiping the Jotuns, the Rokkr, Loki, Hela, Jormangandr, et all-  does it effect anything at all in your personal life?

There is the claim that worshiping such deities “brings strife” or “harms energy”….but really, doesn’t it bring MORE strife to reject people who have honest and sincere UPG experiences who do worship them?  Would you prefer a lie?

Lying is ultimately dishonorable, without question…and I do not engage in it.

Without an oscilloscope or other electromagnetic equipment, it is rather difficult to assess that a single person who acts honorably otherwise, yet worships and uncommon deity suddenly renders them as “toxic” to the community….not unless, the community decides that this is to be so.

I want proof that ideas are harmful.  I want proof that excluding people with differing points of view leads to peace instead of further strife.  Prove to me that mind numbing arguments over stories written centuries ago creates frith and peace.

You cannot….because it cannot happen.  What NEEDS to happen is the acceptance of the common ground.  The commonality of the raised horn in Odin’s honor- what matters beyond that?   To claim that shunning, insulting, and arguing with those you do not agree with fruitful and productive to the community at large is ludicrous because each person has come to their personal understandings through (likely) an equal amount of thought and research as yourself.

There is a big world out there- and plenty of room for all people to share a horn on the common grounds of our ancestry and basic beliefs. If the argument is that we worship “The enemies of the Gods”-  then allow the Gods to judge us for it.  I find it presumptuous to judge any human being without knowing them first, and I certainly cannot claim to know the entirety of the will of the Gods, nor can anyone else!

So, to be frank….this infighting is disgusting, ridiculous, and petty.

Please, in the name of Baldr, the God of peace, stop.  Stop creating perpetuating divisions among our community- stop disowning people, stop insulting those who you cannot agree with.  If you do not like someone, then choose to not interact with them, please do not create a dramatic disturbance declaring them “unfit”.   I have only personally blocked people who have resorted to ad hominem attacks on my person- and I will never make any person “choose sides”.

To me, where I am standing, there is no war, there is no great crisis, there is no jihad, struggle, Ragnarok, or force any worse than the divisions I am seeing being intentionally created around us.   The way to fix this is to just stop, realize there are real, live humans on the other side of the screen- people with lives, loved ones, and devout religious practices in most cases.

When you exclude a single human being from a group on account of a label, you are part of the problem, part of the division, and part of the strife.  Loki has nothing to do with this.

-I have witnessed a person decide not to attend a Heathen event because a black man was also attending:  He was half German.
-I have witnessed people being threatened with violence for studying cultures outside of Europe.
-I have witnessed people passing judgement on others by pure conjecture and rumor rather than personal interactions.
-I have witnessed name calling, harassment, and stalking by allegid “Community members in good standing” who wished to intimidate the opposing point of view into submission.

Making someone cry does not make them renounce their Gods.  Yelling with a louder voice does not make your point of view more accurate than anyone else’s.   Your accomplishments, degrees, age, religious achievements, trophies or any other form of distinction do NOT make you more important than a child who has none of these things in the eyes of the Gods- for we are all cared for by our ancestors by the fruit we bear in our labors.   All the college degrees and religious recognition in the world mean nothing if you close your mind and your hearts to other heathens without good, solid reason that the individual has caused you personal harm.

Heathens unanimously are known for not bowing before anyone, Gods included.  We stand as we raise the horn- perhaps even sit- but we prostrate ourselves before no man and no woman….however, we do have the option to sacrifice our selves, for the higher good.

In this blog, I have sacrificed part of my privacy and part of my right to live in an uncontested, peaceful existence….and I believe it to be honorable.  I encourage you to reach out to racists, to neo-nazi’s, to Lokians, to the ill, to the misunderstood, to the poor, other races, the LBGTQ, and those of other traditions.  We have much to learn from every tradition on Earth, not just our own by the by.

So, this is all I have to offer everyone: a declaration of ceasefire.  We are not firing on you.  We are simply standing our ground while taking bullets to the chest.  To claim that we are harming you by not falling into line is insane, to think that we will simply give up our beliefs because of human pressure is to deny the power of the Gods themselves:  If a single human can sway an opinion on how to worship a God- then that God is unworthy of worship.

For a single human to claim that a God is unworthy of worship, is to risk angering that God- it has no bearing whatsoever on the UPG of the person targeted at all.

So, in closing….I raise a symbolic horn to Baldr and break bread with all of you.  I ask those who have been dishonorable to account for their actions, for those who lie- to learn the courage to tell the truth. If you lack discipline, find practice; I ask the unfaithful to be be faithful and hold themselves accountable for their lapses, the lazy to find purpose, For the fearful to find courage, and for the discouraged to persevere.  – and if you are afraid to be self-reliant, I challenge you to set forth on your own two feet and start your journeys forward alone, may the God’s favor be with you.

Lastly, I ask the Inhospitable to widely open your doors- for you never know when Odin may come knocking with his tattered clothes-  and Shapeshifting He, He just might wear the face of those you fear or claim to loathe most.

“The Tyrian Heathen”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 16, 2013 by Tyrienne
tyr_and_fenris_sketch_by_meredyth-d4jjksd

Tyr and Fenrir.
By meredyth.deviantart.com.

Perspectives- each one of us has at least one, some of us are cursed/blessed to see two or even several at any given time, in any given situation.

Over the past week I pretty much had this post planned out, I had intended to copy 6 quotes total by people of great fame:
Three of those quotes were to be shallow, petty minded, and perhaps even could be construed as evil.  But easily agreed upon to be negative and unwise.

The other three- thought provoking, poignant, and easily agreed upon as wisdom.

However, the quotes I found from Gandhi, Ayn Rand, Charles Manson, Machiavelli,  to Mother Theresa could be taken in multiple contexts making the task I intended impossible.

The trick to this was to prove that categorizing even single individuals as wholly “good” or entirely irreverent or “negative” is impossible- therefore, even less possible to accurately do so for an entire community… another reason why it has taken so long to write this post since the last one.  Despite not even one ad hominem attack being expressed on any forum, I have been the recipient of many- mostly, from “Well-respected members of the community.”   When I see anyone resort to name calling, I make the decision as a former Philosophy major that if they must resort to that particular logical fallacy (The Fallacy of Ad Hominem Attack) that rational, adult discourse has already departed from the conversation, and since I hold myself to the standard of attempting to never disrespect another human in such a way myself, I block the offenders; there are several reasons for this- ones that I would waste my time discussing as people get hung up on details like Fenrir with Tyr’s hand.

See, there is one major component to these blogs that I believe I have lacked to make clear about myself; in each of these instances- where I was attacked, run out, accused of mayhem when clearly the diatribes against Lokians were the most vehement, most volatile, and spoken from very narrow stances (some, not all of course-  there were also some very rational, clear, and wise words spoken by those on all sides as well)  I was run out because I was Lokian. I was as polite as I could manage (which was difficult), but I would not fall into line and deny Loki as anything less than legitimately benevolent. I spoke necessary truths in my last blog post that others did not wish to face.  Nothing more, nothing less.

“Lokian” is a buzzword that holds similar measure to the word “Colored” in the earlier parts of the last few centuries in the United States-  A word that is meant to imply savagery and incivility- in both cases used often derogatorily and inaccurately in intention.

One small problem with this assumption.  I have two patrons, not one…and in fact, I am not sworn to Loki to improve the reputation of Him and his kin, but Tyr.  To three separate kindreds, no less…and it was adamently presented to me by Tyr, not Loki, to continue in the work that I do- especially in writing this blog…and it was pointed out by a man I respect deeply that I write more like a Tyrian than a Lokian, which would make sense:

I am Tyrian.
I am also Lokian.

To try to divide this in me would be the same as asking an artist to divide purple sculpting clay back into its original red and blue components- to undo a human by asking the original sperm and egg to separate and part ways.    A few weeks ago it was brought to my attention that there are very few Tyrians in the Asatru/Heathen community.  Thorsmen abound a plenty, as do Odinsmen, Freyjaswomen, those to Hel, and those to Loki…even the occasional Baldrsperson or Friggsman.   Little heard are the people dedicated to the others, Freyr, Bragi, Vali, Vidarr, Idunna (barring Discordianism- but that is an entirely different post) Kvasir, Berchta, Eir, or anyone else of the Aesir, Vanir, or other demigods of the pantheon.

On occasion I hold the mental image of Thor and Loki sitting at a bar in Asgard drinking away their frustration to those who hail their names completely ignorant of their actual natures.   How can Loki represent Chaos when every action ever recorded demonstrates extraordinary thought, planning, and cleverness?  How can someone Hail Thor as an enemy of Loki when without our flame-haired one there would be no mjollner twice over?  (As it was forged by Loki’s bidding, and returned by Loki’s cleverness when stolen)  I have been told I should attempt to raise a horn to Thor sometime, to get to know him better- and we would love to chat, yet in my own flaws knowing that the people who have hurt me the very most within the community have almost unanimously been Thorsman.   I mentioned in the first post I have enough PTSD to collect SSD, so my reticence is understood.

What is not understood is that I also live essentially as an agoraphobic, easily wounded, and I am a failure out of an Iranian diplomacy program- broken primarily at this point by a several hour long interrogation by my own government after my Master’s program in Persian Linguistics lost all federal funding after Arab Spring did not coil and move forward as far as was wished.

The Iranian Green movement, to overthrow the current government of Iran in favor of a benevolent democracy-of which most of myPersian professors and tutors were ardent supporters fell unexpectedly flat.  This, leaving me with three years of training in Iranian culture, language, history, and politics all for nothing.   I am a failed diplomat- and the experience left me so entirely wounded in soul and mind (in addition to prior traumas) that I decided to dedicate my life entirely to my religion; which was actually my very first intention when I decided to attend a college with an attached seminary.

There are runes carved into the temples of Persopolis, and I now know with sadness I will never see them, nor will I see Tehran where the Sufi sing poetry in the streets at night under the shadow of Mount Damavand.   Persia was one of the most ancient of our allies, and from their scholars we have much of our ancient history.  The debt that our pre-Christian faiths of Europe owe Persian scholars is without price.  The word “Aryan” is a cognate of the word “Iran”.  The word “Caucasian” refers to the Caucus mountain range which runs through Russia, Georgia, Azerbaijan, Turkey, and finally- Iran.

My first wish was to become a chaplain for minority faiths, including the faiths of my ancestors.

Which where I am back today.

In addition to this blog I also co-run a free hall in the name of Freyja with my spouse- where all are invited to share and observe our rituals as Heathens….  And not exclusively to the Rokkr,  in fact, most of our blots and fainings are dedicated to commonly accepted deities: Skadi, Ullr, Freyja, Idunna, Freyr- in addition to Hel and Loki.  For the record also, my spouse also is fortunate enough to be duel dedicated:   Hel/Freyr.   My maternal grandmother seems to be a Freyrswoman in the Latvian “Janis” sense-  our wedding is planned for Freyfaxi and she was a little upset that I did not choose the Latvian date of June 24th rather than July 28th  (When I explained my fiancee was Swedish, it was quickly forgiven 🙂 )  …Her husband, my grandfather deceased who serves as frequent inspiration, demonstrated many marks of a Tyrsman.  Quietness, intelligence, and a strict sense of what is just from unjust- in addition to uncanny knack for adaptability, sacrifice, and survival as a military man employed by multiple governments as well as a unquenchable thirst for spirituality.

What I am trying to tell you is this.  Individuals who make the difficult decision to put themselves forward with an unpopular point of view are often more complicated than one would like to categorize or even suspect and may be sacrificing more of themselves to their causes then you would suspect.  I suspect should I have titled this blog with the title “The Tyrian Heathen” I would have garnered much more respect from the community and my words would be taken much more seriously- however, it would be disingenuous of me and it goes against the oaths I have made in Tyr’s name to Loki and incredibly deceptive.

Loki, the God of scapegoats, the God of the misunderstood, and the God of intellect-  Intellect being a trait which is often demonized as either “ego” or marginalized if it goes against the flow of the status quo.  There is a reason why Loki chose to shape-shift into a Salmon- he goes against the current- offers perspectives not otherwise considered, and despite every Snorri-based argument, it cannot be disputed that Odin shared His own blood with Loki in brotherhood- and spoke clearly that each horn raised to one is raised to both the All-Father and the Silver-tongued.

In many ways, Loki and Tyr share many similar attributes- both appearing as intelligent, sacrificial figures to the highest betterment of their community and kin.  (I can’t imagine making love to a horse being particularly enjoyable- nor the incident with the goat being painless.)

I have seen my share of arguments of history of worship, translations, and differing cultural traditions from everywhere from France, to Iceland,  to Latvia among all others from Scandinavia to the entirety of the Teutonic/Saxon regions of the mainland of Europe.  But in this, is the sense of direct connection to our Gods lost in mindless arguments over ancient particulars?

But what happens to you when you dedicate your mind, soul, and time to research of the past and ignore the present?  At Present, Diplomacy is a sorely needed skill the world over, not brute force.  The time has passed where we can solve all arguments by fights to the death and compensating the losing families.

“The best victory is the battle never fought.”-  Sun Tzu, “The Art of War.”
I have had kept this book as bathroom reading for years- and countless times it has been stolen and I have not minded the loss knowing the loss of the book could lead the thief to greater wisdom.

…and yet, here I am.   Undaunted.  Still writing this damned blog, and I will continue to do so as long as I am given the words to speak and the will to write them down for you to read.  But understand that there is a human behind every keystroke- and this human is not just a Lokian, but also mentored by the ancient king Tyr himself; who predates Odin by centuries.  The God of war, justice, and sacrifice… and in some Heathen traditions (particularly in Germany) still sits in the Grand Throne as the metaphorical Arthur to Odin’s Merlin.

I am not making any demands for your respect, your time, or your opinions…. I am writing this because I have to: I am oath bound to keep my hand extended out into the jaws of the internet.   Fenrir was a friendly youth once- and it was only Tyr he trusted in the end with the final binding.  Their relationship is more complicated than one of soldier verses beast.  Fenrir Lokisson, Son of a shapeshifter- no doubt closer to intelligence to human than beast considering his parentage- and in Justice, it was Tyr who falls to Garm, another wolf, cousin of the one he betrayed.

Could the king of all warriors be felled so easily by a wolf?  Or did he accept his fate and allow himself to fall?

One more question:  If Ragnorak has already occurred, than what ARE our Gods to us?  Why do they continue to inspire us and interact if they are allegedly dead and long gone?  How can we explain the UPG’s of the Aesir chosen- Thorsman, Odinswomen, and Lokians?  Or is Ragnorak simply a metaphor that we are meant to decipher in the greater context of the universe:  That Death is not an ending, but a temporary state of conditions….illusionary and comforting that nothing created is ever truly lost.

First law of Thermodynamics: Energy/Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only change forms.

My undergraduate thesis was on the physics of time theory in relation to mystical experience: long story short- it has been concluded by the physicist, the philosophers, and the theologians that time, as we know it, does not exist in the manner in which we perceive it- but rather- it is an a priori sense that allows our human minds to comprehend and grasp reality in small intervals.

The Sufi and the Buddhist would say that nothing exists but the present moment… both pulling from a source that allegedly contains all knowledge that ever existed- that runs above, below, and through all things- and yet remains tantalizingly separate enough it is worth losing an eye for, or to hang for days from a tree to even grasp the barest understanding of that golden thread throughout all that is.

One last thought: When I created this blog, I was not aware that “Asatru” is the name of the reconstruction movement in Heathenry-  which means, technically, I am not an Asatuar since both sides of my family had their part in bringing me up in the old ways to the best they were able.

However, I like the ring of “The Lokian Asatuar”- and have no plans to change a thing…  and if I am successful in helping even one Lokian feel less isolated, move one mind to think in a new direction, or inspire a single person to write their own thoughts intelligently and with honor than I feel successful in this endeavor.

Since I seem to be “blacklisted” from most facebook forums, if you gained anything from this post, please feel free to share the link as freely as you desire.

Rumor has it… Rokkatru and the World at Large.

Posted in Uncategorized on March 7, 2013 by Tyrienne
Hela: facepalms at your ignorance and shenanigans.  (Artist Susan Boulet)

Hela: facepalms at your ignorance and shenanigans. (Artist Susan Boulet)

…So, I have heard a rumor that to be Lokian in the AFA is to expect be “Blacklisted” by the community at large, this, from an acquaintance who found that folkbuilder who had once committed to perform his wedding rite backed out in order to visit Scandinavia instead.   Luckily, for this gentleman I was able to procure a list of names of Heathen/Asatru/Urglaawe clergy whom I have met in person/spoken to online who are wedding experienced and hold no such reservations towards Lokians or Rokkatuars in general (“Rokkr” meaning one who worships the “less fluffy” of the Gods, I suppose)

Up until recently, my fiancee and I have been keeping an eye on the larger communities of the the AFA and The Troth.   We also founded the only open hall in Pennsylvania (as far as we are aware) and run monthly rituals from our apartment to various Gods and Goddesses of Norse origin- and not just the Rokkr- We successfully held a blot to Freyja last week with 19 revelers in our small one bedroom apartment-  the month prior, a blot to Skadi and Ullr- and before then, an October 13th event to my future husbands patroness, Hela.

So. The issues I am hearing are as follows:

1.  There is questionable evidence that the Rokkr (“dark” Norse/Germanic deities) were ever worshiped.

Answer:  Frankly, to those of us who worship and accept those such a Loki and his kin into our lives, this is a non-issue.   We worship him now, regardless of what is, has, or has not been in the past.   The Gods to most of us are not abstract concepts of which we simply devout mild intellectual speculation into- but rather- these entities come to us as our Patrons, our Friends, our Aid and Ancestors.

2.  If we do not give into the Lokians/Rokkratru they will simply go away…

Too many in the community believe that by simply closing one’s eyes and being unwelcoming will be enough to convince those who do not agree with them to “change sides” or go away entirely.  Whether it be racists or Lokians-  Militia or Convicts, the aspects of the Heathen/Asatru community that you choose to ignore are not going to disappear simply because you will it.  Nor will the most vocal of any “undesirable” heathen group be silenced by the disapproval of some, or even most.   This is our religion, these are Our Gods.  You may choose not to welcome any person into your group, home, or life- but no human, even Mr. McNallen, Ms. Paxton, or any other organization leader, can decide who is or is not Heathen by how they choose to express their beliefs and their personal UPG’s on the practice.   Just as there are hundreds of different forms of Christianity, Islam, and Buddhism-  our pre-Christian religions also take on a myriad of expressions from Baltic to Pictish-  Each culture, family, and individual creating their own thread in the greater tapestry that is Heathenry.   Like it or not, we are apart of you….and frankly, many of us are shamed by the actions of the community of large as of late.

3.  If one is an AFA member (or member of any other larger organization), you have a duty to defend the organization.

This is where I fucked up.  This is entirely FALSE.   As what is supposed to be a supportive overreaching and hospitable organization for preserving Folkish traditions, it should rest on the shoulders of those of high position within the AFA to defend and recognize the rights of the members who make up their constituents.  I will go back again to the written statement of blood-brotherhood to to each horn lifted to Wotan it is also so for Loki.  But yet, where some of the AFA in private will give Loki his due as true Aesir, and even go as far as to accept hails to Hela, His benevolent daughter- they publicly have chosen the stance that a Lokian is a second class citizen in their organization- to hail Him is to “hail chaos”.  Which, is simply based on no more or less substantial UPG’s than the Rokkatru ourselves.

What I have to say to all of you is this:   Freyja’s Hall remains open to all who wish to worship with us-  So long as you remain within good Frith of my husband and I feel free to join on our facebook page.  We hold monthly rune studies as well as around one public ritual per month- despite my wishes otherwise, we understand the weekend closest to Loki’s day, April 1st, is also Easter weekend for the Christians, so our Lokiblot has been moved to April 6th.  But otherwise, as the weather grows warmer, we will be moving our practice outdoors into one of the many beautiful locations in Berks County, Pa each month for you and your families to join us in our potluck celebrations to the Gods…. including a pig-roast feast on July 28th for Freyfaxi

Edward and I are obviously the penultimate, sneaky, devilish sort of Rokkr’s you could imagine-  by opening our lives and our home to the greater community with little reservation it seems we have become the antithesis of the greater Heathen/Asatru community at large- we actually give a damn about hospitality, frith, and building a stronger community by bringing people together regardless of belief, patron, race, or any of that crap that seems to tangle other people up and rile them up oh-so-much.   Racist?  We don’t give a damn if you’re racist-  If you can hold a horn with sincerity in honor of Odin you are welcome at our table, same for cops, criminals, military, liberals, conservatives, gun owners, gay, straight, trans, caucasion, non-caucasion, and pacifists.

Frankly, all we care about is your sincerity regarding your religion and spirituality….(and secondly, if you bring something tasty to the potluck that’s lovely as well…:)

When we visit other groups, we abide by their rules without complaint-  if we wanted to change a damned thing, we would not continue to go and visit the folks we do.  We visit both affiliated and unaffiliated groups….and strangest thing of all, out of all the places we travel, there is only one group the expressly forbids us from hailing Loki.

Us Blacklisted?  Hardly.  Other Lokians and Rokkatru please rest assured that you are in good company within the greater Heathen community.  This may not be the case for the public organizations- however, realize that in your participation and willingness to come to the horn with good faith YOU are creating this community- this community is not defined by branches of organizations- but rather, by the tiny roots that form between each individual each time you connect with another Heathen-  Our community springs first from our families then extends outwards to our friends, kindreds, acquaintances- and then finally outwards to the expressions of larger organizations.  The larger organizations CANNOT define all of us; the entirety of our experiences, upbringings, oral traditions, and research.   If there is not a community near you- clean your damned house and make one- open your homes and your lives to the virtue of Hospitality, and you will not drink to the Gods in loneliness.

We as individuals define ourselves- and in our honesty, the Gods bless us by surrounding us with the folk, different for each individual, who are right for forwarding our spiritual growth and potential.

In closing doors, and cursing the darkness- you curse yourselves, not us.

We are not a kindred…. and We will not run one.   But I’ll be damned if we aren’t being the exact opposite of exclusionist.  I suppose if we are to be branded as rebels against the greater community- this is the way in which I remain proud to continue.

Outside of Freyja’s hall we have our own personal, private practices- kindreds we visit, good friends, hallowings, blots, and functions we are invited to almost every single weekend.   Not too bad for having the “wrong” patrons.   We do not lack for friends, this blog does not lack for followers.

However, when we next see those to whom my other half and I refer to as our personal brothers and sisters and sacrifice to the bonfire- the first thing to go is our AFA cards in addition to our cash.  The extra $70 a year will go towards perhaps renting out a larger space next winter the next turn of the wheel so we may fit even more comfortably to shout “Hail!” and feast to the Gods with our fellow heathens.

Rokkatru:  We are truly nothing but trouble….  We are just too damned honest and welcoming and it just makes anything less than true hospitality seem meager in comparison.
Hail Loki, guide through chaos, magician, friend, and genius.  Hail fire-tender, light bringer and Wotan’s brother-by-oath.

May I do honor to your reputation by and for the justice of Tyr.